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273 Public Reviews Given
281 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Honest but encouraging. I don't believe in tearing another person down. Consider me the middle step reviewer; someone to read the edited draft and point things out so you can polish it then have a 'zero fluff' reviewer have a look at it and see how it holds up. I focus mostly on how the story flows and makes me feel. My responses will usually be long and detailed - hence the larger than normal GP minimum.
I'm good at...
Supportive feedback while giving the writer mountains of suggestions they can use if they feel are valuable or ignore if they wish (it's your writing after all). I'll point out spelling and grammar problems as long as the story isn't riddled with them (and I go typo blind).
Favorite Genres
Fantasy and Sci-fi are my favs. Horror, Comedy, Thriller, YA too. I will read erotica as long as scenes are relevant and not just thrown in "because" (artistic, well written and tasteful, please).
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Religious, Historical, Fanfiction, extreme rough drafts
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and books.
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry and essays. Mostly because I can't really give good feedback on poems and, as a teacher, I proof read essays enough that my eyes bug out; don't want to read more here.
I will not review...
Poetry and Essays
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review of Why I Write  
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
*Shield3* A House of Baratheon Review *Shield3*
Game of Thrones 

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Hello, GeminiGem survived GoT . I'm here today to review your work as part of the Game of Thrones Challenge AND spoil you rotten on your special day!

*Shield3* Initial Reactions
This is a great piece! I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I wish my journey into writing was as full of great stories, but alas, no tongue in cheek tales for me.

*Shield3* Improvements & Polishing
I loved being read to... (there's actually nothing wrong with this sentence, it just felt a bit "off" in the flow. Not a deal breaker by any means, just thought I would point it out)
keeping as friends. Or so I told myself. (the second part could be included with the previous sentence, not sure if it's correct, you would probably know better than me, but it just feels like it has better flow.)

*Shield3* Things I liked
The hallmark of a great piece is if it can make some powerful, emotional connection with the reader - and it certainly did with me.I invariably forgot to warn visiting friends about the impending grammar lessons. This line made me laugh so hard. Because I'M the English teacher, my parents are not. Since I've had this job, I found I start correcting her grammar. It drives her insane. The conversation might be, "I have to go to the store quick." I say,"You mean quickly." She says, "So, when are you going back to China again?" HAHA! It's even worse since I started seriously writing. Poor mum. And OMG I think we had the SAME Webster's Dictionary! My family kept it ontop of the tv. Perhaps as a reminder we should be studying rather than vegetating.

I hope some of this helps.
Have a great day, and thanks for sharing!

Robyn - Robyn is PUBLISHED!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
27
27
Review of Nightmare  
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Shield3* A House of Baratheon Review *Shield3*
Game of Thrones 

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Hello, Amalie Cantor - We Got This! . I'm here today to review your work as part of the Game of Thrones Challenge AND to spoil you rotten.

*Shield3* Initial Reactions
I actually spotted someone's comment about this story and decided to have a read. At first I was confused about what was going on in this "factory", but I quickly caught up and thoroughly enjoyed this piece. Quite clever and a great execution of the contest prompt.

*Shield3* Improvements & Polishing
There was a tiny issue of repetitive language (not the names tho, they were necessary to use often, for clarity), but ideas like Stoicism being tired, and recognition of Logic, were used several times, and could be omitted or rewritten with different concepts or actions.

There were also a few sentences that could be tweaked.
after midnight, (there could be a period here for better flow)and now
Stoicism asked while (perhaps a comma here instead) calmly reviewing

*Shield3* Things I liked
My favorite part of this story is that I wanted to read it twice - always a great sign of a great story (that's there's something to be taken from a second read). The reasons for shame, lust, love etc. (through nightmare and loneliness) was fantastic. I loved the lines about killing or thanking Logic for the coffee and Nightmare and Lonliness being in cahoots.

Thanks for sharing, and have a great day!

Robyn - Robyn is PUBLISHED!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
28
28
Review of The Answers  
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Shield3* A House of Baratheon Review *Shield3*
Game of Thrones 

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Hello, Rhyanna . I'm back again to review your work as part of the Game of Thrones Challenge.

*Shield3* TITLE:
One job of a title is to lure in the reader and set the tone for the piece. Although ties into the fourth line, I felt like it could be changed to something more powerful, something better suited to this free verse poem. "The Answers" also feels far too generic for something so personal and beautiful. 'Do not fear silhouettes" - not the best example, I know, but you get the idea.

*Shield3* IMAGERY:
Personal pieces written or our loved ones often feel set in stone, like we shouldn't change a word or the sincerity could be lost, but if there was one thing I think you should revisit, it would be the imagery. You already have some wonderful images - dancing shadows, bird in the morning light, and lights of your very soul - but I felt like there could be so much more. You could describe more about the things that lured him - trees, mountains, rivers etc. And since the second half focuses more on the soul, there is an endless ocean of things to pull upon. You can also make a Part Two of this poem with the re-writes and keep the original if you wanted.

*Shield3* STRUCTURE & FORM:
Since it's free verse, there's not much to comment on as for structure. I liked how you focused on one word at the very end.

*Shield3* RHYTHM:
The flow was quite solid, nothing tripped me up or slowed me down. Well done!

*Shield3* OVERALL IMPRESSION:
I've been away from my home country for a while now and some of the images made me miss home a lot. All in all, a great poem!

Thanks for sharing, and have a great day!

Robyn - Robyn is PUBLISHED!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
29
29
Review of The Question  
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Shield3* A House of Baratheon Review *Shield3*
Game of Thrones 

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Hello, Rhyanna . I'm here today to review your work as part of the Game of Thrones Challenge and Raid.

*Shield3* Initial Reactions
The wonderful thing about reviewing challenges, it that we are forced to step outside our comfort zone and look at things we would normally skip over. And I'm so very glad I stumbled across this one. This prose - from my eyes - is a beautiful mix of storytelling with a flare of poetry.

*Shield3* Improvements & Polishing
I decided to look at any constructive comments from two sides. One, as if I were reviewing language for a poem - meaning I focused on the flow of the sentences (how easily the words linked to each other to carry me through to the end). Second, from a technical point of view (as if I were analyzing a story).

For as he stepped (this word tripped me up, perhaps omit it)
She knew of no faults he contained, (this one also hindered the flow. It felt as if there was a stronger or more elegant word to choose)
his presence(you might need a comma here,maybe) she prayed
-- There were also a scattering of other commas and periods needed throughout

*Shield3* Things I liked
I like the stanza/free-verse style structure and rich language like "spell binding beautiful" and "writing of his very soul". But what I enjoyed most was the unanswered question of why the man was leaving. We're left with a gaping hole of "Why" which will make us empathize with the girl. Regarding the title, I was going to suggest changing it for something that would stand out more, BUT the more I thought about it, the more I appreciated its connection with the writing and feelings we are left with.

Bravo on a wonderful piece of prose, and thank you for the experience.

Have a great day!

Robyn - Robyn is PUBLISHED!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
30
30
Review of Judging By Looks  
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Shield3* A House of Baratheon Review *Shield3*
Game of Thrones 

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Hello, Bearclaw . I'm here today to review your work as part of the Game of Thrones Challenge.

*Shield3* Initial Reactions
A historical story with the age old message of "Don't judge a book by it's cover". Part of the success of a story (I believe) includes any emotional reactions from the reader. This piece surprisingly struck a cord with me. I live in a country where people often see me as something I'm not, and it often frustrates me. It also reminded me of a story I heard from by ex-bf's mom. She owned a sewing store. One day, a blind man came in, wanting to see the sewing machines. The other employees ignored him (thinking, he's blind! Why would be need one of those?). But she went up to him and patiently explained the functions of each one. After it was all said and done, he bought five of the best models. FIVE! They were gifts for his daughters. He had been rejected out of four stores before he came to that one. Just goes to show -- books, judging, and covers, right?

*Shield3* Improvements & Polishing
This piece doesn't seem to have many errors, even your adverbs were well under control. It seems I've been lucky today with pretty polished pieces. I would suggest going through the story to omit repeated words - counter was used eight times (too much for this length of story). Also, adding in some more description - especially smells, since that time would have some pretty interesting ones.

I know by my looks .(comma?) You didn't like what you saw and you were disgusted, and not trusting.
(this sentence was a little awkward and could use some polishing)

*Shield3* Things I liked
My favorite part, by far, was the message. But I also liked the line "Dusting off his buckskins with his floppy brown hat"

I hope some of this helps.
Have a great day and thanks for sharing!

Robyn - Robyn is PUBLISHED!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
31
31
Review of SPRING FEVER  
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Shield3* A House of Baratheon Review *Shield3*
Game of Thrones 

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Hello, SandraLynn Team Florent! . I'm here today to review your work as part of the Game of Thrones Challenge.

*Shield3* Initial Reactions
A flash fiction contest entry about a beautiful spring day and Dave's twitterpated reaction to a lovely lady. This was a simple and cute story. It kinda makes me miss spring time - at least the kind I'm used to in Canada. Guangzhou doesn't have the distinct season. It's either really hot, damp and cool, or just plain wet. You're also not allowed to stand on the grass over here (protecting parks etc). It gave me a nice reminder of what the season can be.

*Shield3* Improvements & Polishing
I think you were limited by word count for this piece, since it was a contest entry, but if it's over now, you could expand it a little more. Add in some extra descriptions (smells, feelings, sighs, tastes etc). You could also throw in a little info about what else is going on. Are children playing? People having picnics. It would add a richness to the story. The other thing I would suggest is omitting those adverbs. A piece this size shouldn't have more than one adverb, but I counted nine. I love using editminion.com It helps highlight those kinds of words that are easy to miss during the editing stage.

*Shield3* Things I liked
I liked the imagery of shaking cobwebs from the head. Great line! The ending was also cute.

I hope some of this helps.
Have a great day!

Robyn - Robyn is PUBLISHED!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
32
32
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
*Shield3* A House of Baratheon Review *Shield3*
Game of Thrones 

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Hello, LittleLexy . My name is Robyn, and I'm here today to review your work as part of the Game of Thrones Challenge.

*Shield3* Initial Reactions
I used the random review tool to get most of my stories. It's good because I can get to some of those neglected chapters people usually don't look at. I know my first chapters have been reviewed to death, but anything past the second rarely gets looked at. So, seeing something with a "part 2" made me grin.

I'm not a reader of shrink (I've only read a few stories to understand what the concept was), but the few stories I've perused seem to be 1.shrink someone 2.some kind of sexual encounter, and that's it. I got no problem with fetish stories, but I usually feel most of them lack in the story department. There's often no conflict, character development, and everything feels quite two-dimensional. I'm certainly not suggesting your story is this (I've only read one part of course), But I offer my personal insight/experience as something you can keep in mind when you write future chapters. This way, you could have a fetish story that stands out from the countless ones posted on this site.

*Shield3* Improvements & Polishing
In general, this piece could do with some bulking out - particularly in the description department. What does the room look like? Smells, sounds, etc. Sometimes there are word count limits for WdC contests or challenges etc. If this piece was limited to how much you could write, you would have to wait until the deadline passes. The other thing I would suggest is taking a look at your dialogue tags. Most lines of dialogue have a particularly long tag after it. This runs the risk of hindering the flow. It's okay to throw in a simple "he said" here and there, then leave the details for other sections of the story. There's also some odd spacing between certain paragraphs, but this might just be a coding error in the system.

*Shield3* Things I liked
I like the name Ren. Some stories go way overboard with trying to make names unique, but this is simple and still unique, which is good.

I hope some of this helps.
Have a great day!

Robyn - Robyn is PUBLISHED!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
33
33
In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Shield3* A House of Baratheon Review *Shield3*
Game of Thrones 


Hello, Luna Moon . My name is Robyn, and I'm here today to review your work as part of the Game of Thrones Challenge.

*Shield3* Initial Reactions
This short story opens in an exciting place, which I believe is important for the dark/horror genre. As you mentioned in your introduction, this piece is still a little rough, but I see massive potential (which I will talk about later). It also ends with a hook, which is another good thing.

*Shield3* Improvements & Polishing
The biggest suggestion I can make is that this piece needs to be expanded. With everything that's been introduced, I can easily see at least a 2000-3000 word opening chapter. Added descriptions will help this considerably. Things like establishing the setting better (describe the house, the street, the girl - even the bodies/gore in more detail if you wanted to go that way, what are the smells, tastes etc). So far, there isn't much to paint a vivid picture. Another thing would be to add more action. Meaning, she's just walking down the street and finding the woman, maybe add more?

Two little nit picks - the names are enough to let us know it takes place in Japan, so describing the old woman as Japanese is a tad redundant. Just describing her would be fine. The second would be the specialized language of "Seizonsha prefecture". I'm not really sure what that means, and am not sure how many others will catch what it is. Perhaps there's a simpler way to explain it?

Beyond that, it would just be the standard editing list of things to watch out for - point of view changes, omitting adverbs, passive voice, repetitive wording or ideas etc.

*Shield3* Things I liked
Your genre and style remind me very much of my friend's writing. He can craft some amazing horror stories - things I would never even think of. One of his stories severely creeped me out, and I couldn't sleep that night. Good stuff! That's why I see a lot of potential in yours. Keep up the great work and I know you'll have a stellar piece when you're done!

My rating of 3*Star* simply means that this story is in rough copy stage and is ready for the next stage of editing and polishing. After the improvements, I could easily see it jump to a 4/5.

Have a great day!


Robyn - Mistress of Lies
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
34
34
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi JJ!

This is your BONUS review! I thought about this and ultimately came to the conclusion it would be useful to compile my suggestions into one document that you could keep handy during reviews. All of it has been said before, but let's just recap.

Future Editing List:


Each writer has their own process. For me, I have a list of things I know I need to watch out for and systematically go through the document to address each one. I'm not suggesting you have to copy this method thought. Below is a condensed list of what I think you should look out for.

Repetitive Language:
I have this problem myself. I use find/highlight in Word and editminion.com to help with this

Commas:
WdC is our friend, but not when it comes to formatting commas it seems. I've noticed a feel booboos in my work as well after I've posted. When editing, I suggest using the find/highlight function for all character names. Then you can easily spot where commas would need to go around dialogue tags - where I noticed many of them missing in later chapters. This is useful because you don't actually have to read your story again and take another step closer to being typo blind (which happens to me very quickly)

Point of View Changes:
I tried to point out each one I could, but I may have missed a few. Just ask yourself "whose mind is this sentence in?" if it changes, you need to either edit or add a paragraph break. But most of your chapters are from one person's mind, so I think you might end up editing most of those sections.

Cultural/Name References:
This totally just comes down to your writing style, and I'm not saying you should change it. I may have suggested it in an earlier review, but you've remained consistent with it, so I think keeping them all in would be fine. I just skimmed over/ignored the ones I didn't know. I think other readers will be able to do the same.

Show vs Tell:
I throw this one in just because I think every writer for every story needs to keep this in mind. Careful with the sentences that are purely tell and can be shown another way (or have already been shown)

These were the general suggestions that I think can be applied to every chapter. The specific tweaks have already been mentioned in previous reviews.

--------------------------------------------


Characters:
So far, I think Merci is the strongest of all your characters. But that is how it should be since she is your main. Bill is a close second, followed by Enoch. The rest of the characters have been introduced but haven't quite come into their own as strong as your three stars. This, however, is expected since you're writing a series. I'm sure they will continue to develop as the story progresses.

Plot:
You've been consistent with alternating story lines/threads. They've come together more near the end - especially with the military thread and the "visitors". It felt like Merci's world and theirs are drifting closer together now. You're plot is strong and captivating.

Setting:
All your settings have been well described.

Voice:
You have a very distinct writing voice that I don't think I've come across in any other book/story I've read. It's strong, rich, and unique. You should be proud of this skill and talent.

The request for "no punches pulled" kind of review was one I was happy to honor, since it's the kind of review that serious writers need to improve their stories. But I often found myself wishing I could focus on the positives as well- and cringing at the massive lists of suggestions - making it seem like there was more negative to comment on rather than the good points. But the truth is there was countless amazing things in your writing I didn't get to point out. Since I've already covered as much as I can with constructive criticism, I will take this moment to say that I've loved reading your book. The hours invested in this story never felt like hours.

Aside from a friend, you have a dedicated reader and fan. I'm eager for the rest of Merci's journey.

*Heart*
Robyn


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
35
35
for entry "Welcome to my World
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi JJ,

Well, here we are! It's been months and you and I are finally at the end of this amazing journey. Keep in mind, however, our adventure isn't over, not by a long shot. I know there are more chapters to come, edits to be done, and new books to be posted. I plan on being available to you for any help you need in the future.

Synopsis
*TagP* Merci speaks with Enoch in his movie memoribila-ridden home. He explains the drug induced trip she will have to take if she chooses to speak with the island's gods.

First Impressions:
*TagV* So, the posted chapters are finished and I still haven't met grandfather yet. Grrrrrr! It's even more teasing now that I know who grandfather really is. I like Enoch's room and the strange assortment of trinkets and collectables. It helps "show" us about the passage of time. I'm wondering how many more chapters are left in book one and what kind of hook you'll be leaving us on. Since it's book one, you might want to choose carefully what it is. You will want to leave the reader with enough they feel fulfilled but withhold enough that they will want to dive into the next book.

Suggestions:

*FlagR* I try to give as many suggestions as possible, so the writer can use anything they feel will help their story and disregard the rest. Please remember that each point is given with the intention of being helpful.

In General:

*TagG* Repeated words in this chapter - village, path, totem, disembodied, disappear, stack, books. trance, state,

*TagG* Capitalization vs lower case - there were many booboo with this but I didn't focus on them since I know you will probably do another edit with this (and other chapters)

Specifics:
*TagG* The uneven growl of the engine tended to heighten the sensation
*TagG* Yellow light(s) glowed from several low dwellings (plural?)
*TagG* You can make your decision there. ( I would have thought going with them in the first place meant she was committed.)
*TagG* "Come on back(,) (R)red,(.) Yyou can do it,(.) Jjust put one foot in front of the other."
*TagG* she half expected Steven Spielberg to jump out and yell, (")cut, print(").
*TagG* Merci was riveted with Enoch's every word. (very "tell")
*TagG* assure you that grandmother(')s potion
*TagG* You knew my nature before you gave me that DVD. (if you choose to edit the DVD thing from many chapters ago, you might want to double check this line)

Favorite Lines:
*TagB* The obelisk seemed out of place, ancient, like Stonehenge.
*TagB* two steaming mugs of unknown brew
*TagB* He is that ancient being my people call Pawlka and whom I call grandfather.
*TagB* Enoch grinned, pleased at Merci's exceptional intelligence, and her ability to deal with what might be perceived as problematic. (it's also quite "tell") "You never cease to amaze me," he said, -- this is better and "shows" us.

All in all:
*TagO* The drug trip she's going to take nearly made me wonder how legitimate this mind-meld was going to be. Then, I had to remind myself about all the other amazing things that have happened, and that whatever she sees/feels/learns will be real. Not asking you to change anything, just keeping you in my mental loop. This world ending, gods choosing a vessel for communication, and insurmountable government enemy reminds me of the Assassins Creed game (number two specifically). If you're into gaming at all, it's worth the 40 hours. Yes, I said 40 hours *Shock*. But I recommend waiting until you have most of your story laid out, because if you're anything like me, it might influence your writing. I would have liked to see some of the chapter dedicated to Merci's feelings towards Rho and how she processes her choice to go through the trip while thinking about the love of her life. You wouldn't have to dedicate a lot though, maybe just a small/medium paragraph. She may not have many friends but the two she has are dear to her and I think they deserve more of her thoughts.

I'm not going to end this with any definitive closing or reviewing farewell - because I know I will be reading another chapter eventually. I very much look forward to it!

*Heart*Robyn

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
36
36
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
JJ, here comes another review of "Threads in the Tapestry!

Synopsis
*TagP* With Bill's half of the plan finished, it's Enoch turn to take Merci the rest of the way. A convincing display on behalf of another pilot friend brings the plane down through the barrier, but leaves the engine intact enough to land. An immediate feeling of home washes over Merci.

First Impressions:
*TagV* Things have always been moving forward, but I'm happy to see a relatively large leap further into the plot. Great action sequence. It didn't leave me confused with what was happening.
After the line "For the first time in memory, words escaped her." there was a general issue you might want to look into/think about - I've addressed it below.

Suggestions:

*FlagR* I try to give as many suggestions as possible, so the writer can use anything they feel will help their story and disregard the rest. Please remember that each point is given with the intention of being helpful.

In General:

*TagG* Clunky Flow from flitting emotions and actions - The title pretty much sums it up, but let me explain in better detail. From the moment they land, I felt pulled back and forth between Enoch's laid back happiness, Merci's bewilderment, excitement about fishing, fear from the bear, momentary distrust of the plan etc. I also felt sort of beat over the head with references of Merci being grateful she's alive. I would be happy too, but one clear reference would be fine for the reader. Granted we might feel that over and over again in real life, but I'm not sure it carries over very well in writing/stories, and I couldn't get emotionally into the story because I wasn't sure what to be feeling or pulled out of one emotion too quickly.

Looking at the fishing and bear scene specifically, I understand why they were put in. The fishing scene shows us they are having fun and Merci's compassion for all life. It's also a bonding moment between Enoch and her. The bear scene I think is showing Enoch's respect of life, his willingness to protect her, and showing us a strange moment where he talks to it, and it maybe understood. All of this points to strange and wonderful things to come, but I felt like they were misplaced in the scene. We've just come down from a pretty big high (plane action sequence) throwing another one in (with the bear) feels too soon. If I were laying out the scene, I would have put something like this:

Plane lands, Merci's grateful to be alive, they talk about the other pilot and the fake fight, she looks around at this new/amazing world while he fixes things.
Then I would make another chapter and lengthen the first one to maybe have them camp out. You could extend the conversation between them and have a bit more time to describe this island. That way, I would believe her feelings of finding a friend/protector even more.
Next, when it's morning, have them go fishing. Maybe eat a couple small ones, or even have Enoch and Merci do some sort of vegetarian thing if you wanted to go that far with respect for life. Then, you can have the big fish scene with the bear - ending on some kind of smaller hook etc.

Through all of this, I would be careful with Merci's emotions. She's scared, then close that emotion. She's grateful to be alive, close the emotion, She's in awe - carry it for a chapter then close it down to make way for her fear of the bear. etc. (when I say "close" I mean don't make reference to it again later on in the chapter.)

*TagG* Repeated words in this chapter - plane, grin (Enoch grins a lot, so much it feels excess), island, adrenaline rush.

They flew in quiet oblivion for twenty minutes, passing what seemed to be an endless chain of tree-encrusted Islands. The breathtaking scenery absorbed every moment. What she did notice was Enoch looking out the windows with ever-increasing urgency. She was about to ask him about his perceived tension when he pointed at the large Island just ahead. The Island appeared to be the last in a series of larger Islands leading south toward the open ocean, but this one was not just another shimmering emerald. One curious caveat jutting out of the water made it unique, a prominent mountain on its northern tip, a mountain reminiscent of El Capitan in Yosemite Park—Inman's Island, it had to be

*TagG* She gasped again as an odd sensation passed through her body. The feeling passed quickly as the plane (it would be nice to tell us how/why it's odd. It comes across as important, but it's passed over so quickly. I'm assuming it's passing through the barrier.)

*TagG* Missing question and quotation marks - there were many but I only pointed out a few.

*TagG* POV changes:

*Bulletg* Enoch's eyes grew wide when he realized the craft was not one of the Comanches,
*Bulletg* He could see the slow burn wrinkle her brow with brewing anger. Her stance showed determination, and her eyes radiated hurt and confusion.
*Bulletg* A lump of pride rose in Enoch's throat as Merci pushed the silvery monster into the river current,
*Bulletg* The unselfish act of turning the fish back to its rightful place surprised Enoch.

Specifics:
*TagG* Merci kept one eye on the controls having learned how to read instruments while flying with her father. (awkward wording. Perhaps, "Having learned how to read instruments from her father, she kept one eye on the twitching gauges")
*TagG* Not wanting to make a misstep or take his eyes off the ball before the impending exchange, Bill's breakfast (had) consisted of cold biscuits and strong coffee—and now, even lunch had passed. (but what does this have to do with Merci? You could take it out, leaving a better connection to the next sentence)
*TagG* "Got anything to eat in here(?)," she yelled (question mark?)
*TagG* summer sausage in Merci's face followed by a weathered, half-eaten box of jujubes, and then returned to rifling behind the seat as the plane wandered drunkenly about the sky. (Maybe something like "summer sausage in Merci's face(,) followed by a weathered, half-eaten box of jujubes,(. full stop) He then returned to rifling behind the seat as the plane wandered drunkenly about the sky.)
*TagG* Drift logs, broken away from log rafting operations during the short summer months littered the few sandy stretches of beach like giant-tossed pick-up sticks. (This part kinda clutters the sentence)
*TagG* The occasional flash of color reflecting (reflected) off
*TagG* then gave Enoch the same questioning—(")are we about to die(") look. (the quotes might make it clearer to read. I would also take out the dash)
*TagG* We don need no stinking engines(.)" (missing period)
*TagG* The big Indian(')s irreverent personality (apostrophe)
*TagG* "What is it Enoch,(?)" Merci asked (question mark)
*TagG* Her heart quickly matched the thumping
*TagG* Enoch, it read, we have orders to force you down if you don't land your plane before entry. (this part should be italicized or set apart - but it might already be that way on your master document)
*TagG* At that point, things happened fast. (you could put this on its own line for drama/emphasis)
*TagG* Merci did not have time to fully appreciate... (I would take this part out. To me, it takes away from the action and the next sentence)
*TagG* Merci tensed with sudden realization. She was inside the barrier. (why would the eagle make her realize it? Wouldn't it be the trees that clue her in?)
*TagG* Female thing. (missing quotation mark in this part)
*TagG* wetness run down her legs and looked down to see a dark patch forming on the front of her sweats. (wouldn't they have already been wet from falling int he water?)
*TagG* As they walked back to the plane Merci knew she had found a staunch ally to guide her through this strange Eden. (wouldn't she have already figured that out by the fact he got her safely there? Is this just emphasis?)

"There's something I don't quite understand. I noticed the pilot gave you the thumbs up (move this elsewhere). I've seen documentaries on the devastation these chain guns can do. (unnecessary - even though I've never seen documentaries, you've built up enough description that I knew they should be dead.) You said yourself that the good colonel is not a madman. There was never a logical reason for killing us outright. So why didn't they just take out the prop and be done with it? I know these old Dehavillands have a respectable glide slope. We should be floating in the Pacific right now surrounded by gun boats and aerial artillery."

Favorite Lines:
*TagB* The gunship fired, its 30-Millimeter chain gun spewing out shells wrapped in white light.
*TagB* With their fates hanging in the balance, both pushed hard on the floor boards with that curious application of physics humans often resorted to in times of sheer panic. It didn't work.
*TagB* For the first time in memory, words escaped her.

All in all:
*TagO* I'm wondering why she's so hungry. It's been mentioned a few times and I'm thinking it's got something to do with her coming meeting or something. If not, you might want to dial back on the references. I know I kinda pounded on this chapter and the one before, but please remember that I'm still enjoying the ride. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be investing hours in to each review. This chapter had lots of great ideas and imagery. I'm most excited about the meeting with grandfather! There's only one more to go and I haven't spoiled it for myself by reading it. Sooo excited.

*Heart*Robyn

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37
37
for entry "Apparitions
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi JJ!

Here's my review of Apparitions.

Synopsis
*TagP* Hmmm, how much to put in without posting spoilers...Sam's group is brought into the loop with DS9 and are shocked by a visit from a surprising new group of characters. These new additions don't sit well with Sam's gut instinct - even with news of apocalyptic endings and promises of joint salvation.

First Impressions:
*TagV* Okay, this section is going to be a doozy, with long strings of my jumpy consciousness. Bare with me and feel free to ask for clarification...

I liked the new characters very much (I don't want to post spoilers, so I will continue to keep things vague). The visuals of the ships coming and going were fantastic. There is, however, an embarrassing admission I must make. Some reviewers brush off their forgetfulness as nothing big - but for me, to be utterly lost and forgetting (what I think are) key characters is something I take as a failure on my part. There is, however, something positive to be taken away from all this (stay with me, it will make sense soon.) First, I forgot who Jessie is - I mean totally forgot. "the words of Jessie tumbling through his brain." Nothing sparked my memory despite reading the chapter twice and thinking back on things before. Now, I have to keep in mind my reviews have spanned over months, and I usually eat up books in a couple days (so it's easier for me to remember people). If he was mentioned somewhere in previous chapters, maybe a quick reminder of who this person is will help the reader. I don't want to say this guy came out of know where, because all references to him were written as if they were mentioned in specific sections before - eg"They make their own weather". In short, I forgot him, and other readers like me might need a little help remembering, especially with so much info from previous chapters to remember plus the big plot reveal dropped on us in Apparitions.

The special visitors - Interesting, very interesting. I liked how the woman had debilitating effects on the men. Perhaps (if you wanted) the male could have an affect that puts all of the men on edge. Sort of the opposite of the female, but without extreme negative effects and would cause violence. I wonder if the males have similar pheromone effects on human woman. Worth mentioning?

As I said before, I'm horrible at catching subtitles in stories. Although these characters are great additions, I'm wondering how much was hinted at in earlier chapters - other than the area 51 reference. This might be my poor memory though. If there are concrete hints that tie the meeting with the new guests, cool (and I apologize for dropping the reviewing ball on that one). Merci's predicament seems tied with the Cloy'ie, so I don't think there were any "out-world" hints in her chapters. I'm guessing there were some withing the military sections - but most of it was collecting the special ops team. That only leaves sections directly related to Sierra Alpha and Sam. I thought area 51 and other facilities were just secret government military bases and the technology was just human advancement. In short, the "guests" were cool but felt introduced out of no where. My mind was on the supernatural track (from Merci's visions etc) and this new revelation was fun yet demanding to integrate into my understanding of the story so far. I interpreted "a blip from deep space" as something related to a satellite they were using to spy on the islanders and Merci - not a new ship coming in.

---- I don't paint this as a negative thing, just something I wanted to share with you, so you know where my mind is and where other readers might be. ----

Lost and Overloaded in Tapestry Land - After "No arms, just legs. I have a slight detour to make. I'll see you at the meeting." to "General Carston motioned Sam to sit opposite him." Everything in between had me fairly lost and I had to read it twice last night and once more this morning. I understood that Sam had to pick up the pizzas, a strange aircraft landed, and there were several security checks. Beyond those three key ideas, I got pretty lost in the tide of details, names, and actions. One thing I think that would clean it up, would be to omit the excess descriptions of rooms and furniture, especially since most of the guys are just passing through. The only room you would really need to describe would be the main meeting room. The other thing was the pizza - I'm wondering if this section is needed at all. I know it wins him some points with the DS9 people, but considering things seem to be on high alert and locked down, why would they be wasting time ordering take out or even having it picked up(even with two hours before the scheduled meeting)? And since the special ops team was always intended for this, why would they have to "win" friends anyway? And with all the high tech stuff on the base or in the areas, why wouldn't there be at least a kitchen, canteen, ration packs or something? The extra scenes just added layers upon layers of info I had to sift through and decide what was important and what wasn't. If you wanted to cut that out, a little more time could be spend on the actual meeting and establishing Sam's distrust better. (see below)

Malevolent and no one has noticed? - Granted we don't have a lot of background to go on, but I'm surprised Sam is the only one who feels like these guys could be trouble? (or at least the writing makes me feel like he's the only one) Even the female makes mention of his strong psyche. But was the military too excited about technological advances and survival of the plant to sense that things might not be on the up and up with these visitors? I know the females can naturally turn the human men twitter-pated, but it's written like the others aren't suspicious. They just seem scared, which makes me wonder if Sam and his team are truly in the loop. Then again, if anyone becomes suspicious, I guess they would just be killed. It's hard to know how to feel about Sam's "suddenly established" feelings of distrust. My advice would be to cull some of the info earlier in the chapter and spend more time with an "after meeting" where they could ask questions.

Info drop about the planet and the aliens. - This was a great reveal. I liked how it's added another layer of "holy crap" to the closing of the story. It also has enormous potential for later books. I did, however, find it a bit of an info dump. Too much too quick with no build up. Since the world government is being pretty secretive, it would be hard to drop hints throughout the story, but maybe it could just be something as simple as spreading the information across a longer conversation. I know the male is "chilly succinct" but this style sort of clashes with the readers ability to take in new details. Maybe add holographic visuals during the explanation? A world map of where they think the old ship is? Break it up a little more.

The rest of the team - I know Sam's focusing on the woman, but I was also wondering what the team's reactions were (Vit's, Redman's etc.) I know they all landed some pretty serious hard-ons, but since this team communicates with facial expression, I'm surprised there wasn't at least a tiny mention of that in this section. It could also go to breaking up the info dump about the coming catastrophe.

Now, remember at the start of the long string of jibber-jabber I said there was a positive to take from all of this? There's probably a good chance the issues I had with the section are just mine, but at least you know one reader's reactions to this chapter. Then, you can decide if there is anything you feel would benefit from being cleaned up, clarified, or hinted at better. Also, when other readers get to this, you can compare to see if they had similar issues as me.

I'll go over my predictions at the end of this review. *Smile*

*FlagR* I try to give as many suggestions as possible, so the writer can use anything they feel will help their story and disregard the rest. Please remember that each point is given with the intention of being helpful.

In General:

*TagG* Repeated words (whether in quantity or close proximity) - airstrip, roof, guards

Specifics:
*TagG* The original black-and-white version of Frankenstein(,) starring Boris Karloff (,)was playing on the big screen. (commas, I think)
*TagG* Sam eyed the offending device(,) knowing well that it would not be delivering a welcome home speech from the boss. (comma?)
*TagG* who is currently,(...)" he paused for a moment ... "underground. (It feels like the ellipses should be where I placed them in the brackets. I could be wrong, but I wanted to throw it your way anyway)
*TagG* Sam sensed that he was about to be ordained into an elite society of men—about to be put into the loop. (why would he sense this considering the guy pretty much said that in the sentence before)
*TagG* Carston cleared his throat.(") This—meeting—with (quotation marks?)
*TagG* He tensed again, knowing that sulfides were deep earth compounds emitted by volcanic vents. (why would this make him tense)
*TagG* Except for her eyes, which glowed with an unsettling bio-luminescence, the creature had a distinct Egyptian look, human in many ways and alien in many others, an Amazonian Cleopatra. (comma heavy - puts off flow in such an important paragraph)
*TagG* He wondered if they could see the aliens snake-like irises—feel her sensual heat as he did. (awkward sentence)
*TagG* "Thirty years ago(,) one of our exploration ships (comma)
*TagG* The good Majors just happened to be in the facility when ..." (this one confused me. Which facility and what happened. Dead? Detained?)
*TagG* Sam was stationed there but never allowed in certain areas (hanger 22) - was this mentioned before? I know he had a desk job monitoring the construction of a fleet of toys, but maybe add a reference about him being curious about hanger 22. (assuming there wasn't one put in already that I missed)
*TagG* a craft the size of a tramp steamer (had to look this up. Maybe a more accessible comparison?)
*TagG* He had also said that the huge lift was constructed for emergency repairs of these incredible alien machines in exchange for advanced technologies. (This one also left me struggling to remember if I had read it before)
*TagG* Fastwalker, but at its extra-terrestrial crew. (hmmm, I'm must be out of the loop because I had never heard of this word before.)

Favorite Lines:
*TagB* releasing a lung-load of bourbon-laced anxiety.
*TagB* spiked with the smell of ozone after a lightning strike. (this made me think of the incident with Merci at the start of the book. Don't know if it's intentional, but I still like the connection)
*TagB* Although one sentence needed some tweaks, I loved the description of the alien.

All in all:

*TagO* I have to say the plot reveal in this chapter is my favorite by far - and probably my most favorite since the very first where Merci had her vision. Earth seems to be in the middle of this ancient galactic battle. I'm wondering if the Annunaki are lying about the planetary collision to get to whatever power the Cloy'ie have hidden behind that shield - which I'm assuming that's what the island is (or at least it's on the island). Aside from Sam's gut feeling, it makes me wonder. Because if things were truly dire, the inhabitants of the island, or at least grandfather, would know and possibly act. Since there is no action beyond getting Merci there so she can mind meld, I'm wondering what the Annunaki really want. They've gone through a lot of trouble to stay a secret, and make humans do all the work and observation, when a planet ending catastrophe is coming. If I were them, I would just swarm the place and try to take the extra-dimensional craft. Subterfuge suggests ill intentions (which is another reason I'm wondering why more people in the inner loop aren't suspicious). I'm also wondering if Merci's rare genetic condition is something special to the plot as well. We know she's sensitive to...solar bursts I think it was ... or at least something cosmic. My other suspicion is also starting to grow more solid - I'm still leaning towards one in the team (or all of them) are going to turn and join another side (probably Merci's).

What we have now is a wonderfully captivating plot. The threads are weaving together, but the final image of this tapestry isn't clear yet - Jon, you enormous tease.

Robyn

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38
38
for entry "No Turning Back
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, JJ!

We're counting down now. Only four left to go!

Synopsis
*TagP* Bill navigates dangerous waters to get Merci to Enoch's plane. The exchange leaves Serria Alpha's command surprised and beyond angry. The brass is breaking out the big guns.

First Impressions:
*TagV* An increase of action, which I like. I think it was time for something big like this. I'm hoping nothing bad happens to Bill. But since you mentioned his health, I'm wondering if he's going to be killed off soon. I had mentioned before I had gone ahead - but it was only skimming and most of the details I'm still unaware of. If he stays alive for this book, I'm betting he's going to pass on in the next one.

Suggestions:

*FlagR* I try to give as many suggestions as possible, so the writer can use anything they feel will help their story and disregard the rest. Please remember that each point is given with the intention of being helpful.

In General:

*TagG* Repetitive words in this chapter - boat, drone, lemon pledge (the pledge was only in chapters before, but since it's such a distinct description, I found it stayed with me and felt repetitive even in following chapters. Maybe just say lemon or citrus)

*TagG*Commas around names - There were many missing, but like I said before, I pulled back on pointing them out. Besides, it can be something to save when you do a final polish for publication -- which I really hope you do. Also, if you're going to be doing any heavy edit, there's not much point in seeking out those kinds of nit picks. The ones I pointed out below are just the important/needed ones.

*TagG*POV changes from Merci to Bill // Lyle to Blatchford

*Bulletg* Bill crossed his fingers, hoping the swift boat commander...
*Bulletg* In the chilly openness of the flying bridge, Bill tightened his neck scarf and watched the radar and the GPS intently...(this whole section)
*Bulletg* Bill was thankful that the water was calm...
*Bulletg* Bill watched the plane disappear into the fog bank
*Bulletg* Bill was beside himself.
*Bulletg* Blatchford began jogging toward the hanger perched // By the time he reached the hanger, his lungs burned. (This first sentence I felt it changed from Lyle's pov to Blatchford's. By the next sentence I pasted her, it was confirmed.

Although the chapter began with Bill's actions, most chapters have been from Merci's pov, so it becomes expected/assumed to continue reading that way. A little after the opening, it's confirmed it is indeed coming from Merci's perspective. After that, however, there were several changes to Bill. The same goes for Serria Alpha. My advice? Stick with Merci's side for that part of the thread. Then, I would stay (if possible) with Blatchford for the military side. That way, you could spend a little more time building his anger and building the tension.

Specifics:

*TagG* The entire ship was so squeaky new that Lyle could detect the odor of drying paint in some sections. Fresh out-of-the-box odors drifted everywhere. (these feel repetitive/similar)
*TagG* , and when danger did show its teeth, the thrill of the next step. (This reads incomplete. This section could also be an independent sentence.)
*TagG* It's been an awful long time.(,)" (comma)
*TagG* If the Colonel(')s state of mind (apostrophe)
*TagG* for whatever reason(,) because their timing (think a comma is needed here)
*TagG* Colonel Blatchford's (")shoot first and deal with the consequences later(") policy had.. (this is another I'm not sure about but maybe quotes could be used to clarify the sentence)
*TagG* She felt the venom of death rise in her throat, (comma heavy sentence)
*TagG* trying to sound confident." (type/extra quotation mark)
*TagG* Don't look up,(") he warned.

Favorite Lines:
*TagB* "Just how sensitive are we," he whispered, clicking the autopilot off. (this was a great example of throwing in some muttering/dialogue to break up the narration.)
*TagB* The advanced optics could read an I-pad at ten thousand feet.
*TagB* the outcome so breathtaking in its perfection that he applauded the incredible deed.

All in all:
*TagO* Some great action and tension in this chapter. I'm biting my nails wondering what's going to happen. I know there's conflict in a later chapter but like I mentioned before, I didn't read into detail. I'm happy I can still read this like I was a "new" reader. As always, the changes are small. Even the POV will only take small tweaks. I can tell these chapters haven't gotten as much editing love as the ones closer to the start - but that's common for many projects. From experience, I know it's hard to get people to read all the way through and give consistent feedback. I hope you've accumulated enough date from everyone that you can polish all the way to the end of book 1.

*Heart* Robyn

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39
39
for entry "Bong
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi JJ,

Another review from little ol' me!

Synopsis
*TagP* Bong, the last member of the Black Ops group is picked up a prison. The team is taken to Sam for a brief reunion.

First Impressions:
*TagV* Bong is a dude! Hahahah cool. I so thought people would be going on some kind of "trip", not introducing a new character. Just goes to show where my mind sits. He could use more of a physical description though - I still find him rather vague.

I was hoping for a little more of a hook at the end of the chapter, especially considering the big one you left us with Merci in the one before. Would it be possible to give us just a little bait at the end?

Suggestions:

*FlagR* I try to give as many suggestions as possible, so the writer can use anything they feel will help their story and disregard the rest. Please remember that each point is given with the intention of being helpful.

In General:

*TagG* POV changes - I've pointed them out below, but in the second part of this chapter you have all the characters together and there were several switches without a page break or some kind of visual indicator the pov had changed. I assumed it was from Bong's pov. I suggest keeping it from his since his section was a bit shorter compared to the others.

*TagG* Numbers - "The maintenance tunnels running through the hundred-acre prison..." -- I'm not sure the point of this paragraph, especially the details about how long it takes to get places. If he's leaving soon, you could just omit it, other wise I wonder why it's important. *** Now, this next note is written after I've read ahead -- I didn't delete the old comment so you would know what I was thinking as I read. I always make my comments the moment I read them -- I'm guessing all these details are meant to show a heightened attention to detail and numbers, perhaps useful for a sniper? I'm very happy with this being worked into the story rather than just telling us. But the at the moment, it feels like just part of the narration rather than directly relating to or coming from Bong. Perhaps you can put the "numbers" into internal thought? "Two minutes to the wardens office," he thought. that way you can also address the large chunk of text. All of this is assuming I'm right in my guesses. If not, disregard...well...everything ahahha.

Specifics:
*TagG* As Bong recognized both guards through the dim back-light, (this is just a tiny nit pick but it read funny because it feels like he's looking right at them, and one moment he doesn't recognize them and another, he does. Perhaps throw in a line "They lowered the flashlight and he could see again. He recognized them immediately." etc. This tiny joiner would polish the flow of this section. Also, why wouldn't he recognize their voices before?)
*TagG* a subterranean a subterranean maze spider webbing the entire complex. the entire complex. (This part tripped me up and I lost a little reading momentum. Maybe polish/reword.)
*TagG* This route sent a spurt of adrenaline through Bong(')s body.
*TagG* Wondering if he would have to defend himself / he notion he might have to defend himself (within a single paragraph feels repetitive. I would think this feeling would have continued on since the moment he had it)
*TagG* One horrible night three years ago had changed (maybe "Three year ago, one horrible night had changed..." Better flow?)
*TagG* In California, a bar fight In California, a bar fight gone fatally wrong brought you one-to-four years one-to-four years (this part tripped up my flow too)
*TagG* Motherless at nine and fatherless at eleven, (correct structure, but feels comma heavy)
*TagG* The ride to the Warden's private... (this paragraph was interesting. I liked the visuals, but for me, the collection of comma heavy sentences felt jarring, like it was pulling me out of the flow.)
*TagG* Angle(')s face filled both screens
*TagG* Whizzer didn't need a visual cue. (POV change)
*TagG* Sam heard the Osprey approach (POV change)

Favorite Lines:
*TagB* the occasional insane asylum scream from adjacent blocks echoed a mournful reminder of freedom lost.
*TagB* secretive men were given a free hand and a blank check.
*TagB* that wasn't strange enough, the old man stood to attention and gave a stiff salute (holy heck, yes that's very strange. I know why. But it's still a great visual.)
*TagB* "So Bong, nice house, who'd you have to kill to get into that place?"
*TagB* "Here's to us. Alone we have no history, together we make history."

All in all:
*TagO* Just a few nit picks here and there - nothing major. Another great chapter. I died from happiness with the Battlestar Gallactica reference!! I'm curious how the boys are going to be using a room full of custom war machines when there are only a handful of them.


Robyn

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40
40
for entry "Invocations
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)


JJ, Here's another Threads review! Sorry this one is uber long. It's also probably filled with typos - typing fast is not my friend *Sad*

Synopsis
*TagP* Bill and Enoch treat Merci to breakfast, then reveal Enoch grandfather has sent them to find her. (I won't add spoilers for anyone else who might be reading this). A mysterious plan to get her to the island waits upon her decision to accept a path that will forever change her life.

First Impressions:

*TagV* This chapter had a much better balance of dialogue. I didn't really feel the need to comment on much (only one instance which would involve a rather large writing session to expand - you will see in my notes below). So, high fives!! In general, I love that we have more information about how Merci is special and many (much needed) answers about the dream, the island, Merci's situation, and the boys finding her. There were, however three things that I felt could majorly improve this section.

1. Enoch's conversation, although enlightening, felt like a pretty big info dump. We needed answers, but the delivery of them (to this reader) felt condensed and rushed. It was akin to the villain giving a long monologue revealing all the details about his evil plan. Does that make sense? - too much too fast. Now, I understand that he's trying to give her all the information necessary so she can make a choice, but perhaps it could be spread across the chapter somehow, rather than in a single sitting/conversation.

2. The plan to get Merci to the island - I don't know how much you want to reveal (keeping the "good stuff" for a coming climax would be good) but could you actually expand this conversation? I could see 3000 words easily if you put in action/description etc. Why? I don't mind long chapters (some people b*tch about them - I think chapters are as long as they need to be) but this chapter felt like two separate entities - the big reveal about Merci's destiny and the ping pong show with the barbeque after. If you threw in an extra 3000(ish) words, you could cut this into 2 chapters and leave the revelation as a hook for the end of one chapter. End on a bang! Having her fall asleep after a ping pong show feels like a weak ending compared to "You're going to have knowledge that can change the world and you forever."

3. The ping pong show - I have no problem with this section. I really enjoyed it. But it felt like it should have come before the big reveal about her destiny. Adding it after (I think) weakens the whole feeling you've built up around it. "You're going to do something no one else on earth can. Let's go watch naked chicks." It feels like it should be the other way around - bond first, reveal second. This, however, would be an enormous rewrite. If you chose to go this route. It would need to be something like - breakfast - small info reveal - ping pong show - small info reveal - barbeque - big info reveal - Merci goes to sleep with dream of changing the world or mindmelds and wondering what her decision is going to be. Much better hook and tie in to her leaving in the next chapter. None of it weight on her during the show - getting drunk and peeing over the railing makes me feel like none of this is big or serious for her - and therefore shouldn't be serious for the reader. I know she's adaptable, but this is pretty big. But keep in mind this is me projection what my own reactions would be if I was in her situation. There are a hundred little details that probably need to be in this chapter, I'm just wondering if they could be re-ordered.

Suggestions:

*FlagR* I try to give as many suggestions as possible, so the writer can use anything they feel will help their story and disregard the rest. Please remember that each point is given with the intention of being helpful.

In General:

*TagG* Repeated words - dock, dream, alcohol, military, crowd, dancer (some of these were spotted by me, a couple were picked up by editminion.com - I feed the chapters into this website to see if what I spot as repetition is actually real and not just my weird brain seeing things that aren't there - it happens on occasion ahahha)

*TagG* Commas - I've put many mentions of this in, my comment this time is only a general reminder when you proof read. I didn't point out all comma mistakes because I'm not sure which are actual mistakes and which are WdC screwing with your text. That being said, I did spot many booboos around names etc.)

Specifics:

Favorite Lines:
*TagB* tourists like a hyper-stimulated chia pet
*TagB* A hefty four egger, piled high with King Crab... (oh god, I'm hungry now. I might make a version of this. I'll let you know how it turns out.)
*TagB* He can narrate a haunting Poe or recite Shakespeare with an exactitude that would make a Barrymore envious.
*TagB* The second Enoch and Bill sat down and put their backs toward the main dock, the minders were on their sat-phones visibly working themselves into a sweat as they reported to their superiors.
*TagB* tattoo of a green and red dragon crawling out of her navel. (I really like the tie in)

All in all:
*TagO* Holy mother of god, that's a lot to think about. This chapter needs some work but only because there is so much to work with. I love the tie ins from chapters before. I'm also happy we have a better understanding of what's going to happen and why she's special.

Thanks for sharing your work. Keep writing and good luck!

Robyn

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41
41
for entry "Whizzer
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
JJ, Here comes another Treads review!! *happy dance*

Synopsis
*TagP* The secret ops team picks up another member of the team (Wizzer/Allen) - just after he's hunted down and done away with a serial killer.

First Impressions:
*TagV* Ah! We've added another to the group. Out of everyone, he feels like the most efficient, and dare I say artistic, killer. But you've done a good job at making them all human enough, instead of stereotypical robotic fighters. If I list things I hope will happen in the future: I'm interested to see how this group interacts with each other. Even if they prefer body quirks over speaking, there are enough varied personalities there should be some good scenes, possibly even some internal conflict (considering enough years had gone by and a couple of them might have changed). I hope one future scene (in this book or following ones) will have some sort of massive symphony-like melding of all their skills. I'm also curious what moments Merci will have with them (if any). I wasn't put off by Walter's introduction then quick death. He served his purpose and writers build and toss out characters all the time - just look at George RR Martain!

Suggestions:

*FlagR* I try to give as many suggestions as possible, so the writer can use anything they feel will help their story and disregard the rest. Please remember that each point is given with the intention of being helpful.

In General:

As usual, I've gone ahead and threw out a few ideas regarding the dialogue. Other than the little nit picks it seem to be the only "big" thing I can find to help you with. But it's not really that big of an issue. Easy fixes and changes mostly.

*TagG* Possible areas for dialogue:
*Bullet* The French were so predictable, to bed by nine and up at six
*Bullet* he whispered a thank you
*Bullet* If he pushed it, and had a little luck,
*Bullet* (the part where he goes to his plane, he could say something like "There's my girl" etc)

*TagG* Hugging - there was a lot of it once Allen got back to the vineyard. Now, for me, I love hugging! But in the story it started to feel slightly repetitive. Maybe another show of affection? That way the final one will be special.

*TagG* Alright vs All right - This is one people could argue either way. Technically, All Right is the correct version. However, people use "alright" so much (I think it was the CD cover for a band's album that started it all) that it's considered common place. I'm neither here nor there about it. I use all right but only because I'm assuming editors might be a bit more anal about it. Totally your call. It's also easy enough to replace if you need to.

*TagG* Walter's rejection - Why was he rejected or never had a friend? Besides the godfather and mental issues, I would think in his past he would have at least one - however brief or strange. If not, I feel like the reader would need a better reason than just being shy. Even if he had difficulty interacting with women, being rejected so often it burned a hole in him would mean he actually tried (somehow) - then why or how did they snub him?

Specifics:
*TagG* ten after midnight. (could be an independent sentence if you wanted, even dialogue "he muttered" sort of thing)
*TagG* His stomach knotted at the thought, (consider a full stop instead of a comma)
*TagG* Filled with excitement... (this part was comma heavy - consider rewording)
*TagG* I'm going to sneak into the bedroom (maybe put this in quotes or italics - but it might already be that way in your master document)
*TagG* Centered on the site of his first kill (I had to read this twice before I could get the meaning, but I'm horrible with numbers so don't take much stock in my confusion. Just thought I should let you know. You could consider rewording or simplify)
*TagG* Walter had mapped out the towns and villages where his victims would be slaughtered in the basement of his parent's manor house on the outskirts of Paris. (This was another one that I had to read several times. It sounded liked there were many homes belonging to his parents and he's killing them in each one. The key section that causes confusion is in bold. This paragraph also feels like a point of view change from Allen to Walter. Mostly because it sounds like far too much personal information for Allen to know just from hacking/hunting. When it gets to the paragraph after, it's definitely in Walter's mind. You would need a page break or something. Or just add it to the section below)
*TagG* At the tender age of twelve(,) Allen had found, or was painfully introduced to(,) his lot in life.
*TagG* He drove the now smoking, valve knocking bug(I think the word "now" was throwing off the sentence, for me)
*TagG* its stiff wire... controls (This cluster of sentences had "controls" repeated often. It might be hard to find a synonym since it's pretty specific, but just thought I'd point it out)
*TagG*"How could you know that Bernie." (needs question mark)
*TagG* A torrent of memories flooded in, (maybe a dash instead of a comma? Might have better flow)

Favorite Lines:
*TagB* His smile deepened as he mentally crossed out the 5 and replaced it with a 4, causing a tremor to quake through his body. (fantastic line)
*TagB* dark as a pool of used motor oil.
*TagB* His clue was an ingenious thread weaved into a tapestry of evil.
*TagB* In less than an hour, a twenty-dollar compass had discovered

All in all:
*TagO* Only six chapters left. I had mentioned I had skimmed ahead - but it wasn't that far and I only got a little detail from it. I'm guessing this will be the last addition to the team since there are no more chapter headings that look like code names (unless Bong is a person ahah). How many books total are you planning? I know you mentioned working on number 2 right now. When dealing with a series, I try not to expect all the loose ends tied up or questions answered. Some people want instant gratification and all the answers asap - I'm glad you are not giving it all the stretching out the mystery and suspense. So far we have a lot of introductions and characters being woven into your tapestry. Among them, we've had a handful of true conflict and "high notes" - I'm hoping for a big one before the end of the book.

Thanks for sharing your work. Keep writing and good luck!

Robyn

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42
42
for entry "Person of Interest
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi JJ,

It's been a while, but now I'm ready and eager to get back to reviewing Threads in the Tapestry! If my memory serves me right, this should be the next chapter.

Synopsis
*TagP* This chapter focuses on the "observations" of both sides. Lyle watching and learning about Mercedes, while Aklu watches and learns about the outsiders.

First Impressions:
*TagV* This chapter didn't have "action" but that's ok. Not every chapter needs it. This one feels quite important because it just adds another layer of how scary the "enemy" is. For me, even I'm starting to feel overwhelmed and wondering how Mercedes and the natives are going to deal with all of this.

Suggestions:

*FlagR* I try to give as many suggestions as possible, so the writer can use anything they feel will help their story and disregard the rest. Please remember that each point is given with the intention of being helpful.

In General:

*TagG* Lines that could be changed to dialogue.
*Bulletg* Aklu often wondered why the outsiders wore such outlandish skins
*Bulletg* He notified the base commander and disappeared into an adjacent briefing room.
*Bulletg* when the ships executive officer entered the control room and invited Lyle to the Captains birthday bash.
*Bulletg* preparing for the day she would leave her small world...

*TagG* Connie and Aklu - This section was mostly about Aklu. The sections with Connie (on the first read through) felt like a POV change - but they weren't. I guess this just means the sudden introduction took me out of the flow. Is there a way to just make it about Aklu and move the sensor info to Lyle's part? But, if Connie is going to be important that might not work. Hmmmmm.

*TagG* Repetitive Language - drone, eyes, POI. Drone is probably a hard one to find a substitute for, but taking a few out would help. POI could just be substituted for her name. If coming from Lyle, it might be okay ot use her name more in the narration because he "knows here intimately". But I could see the commanding officer using the term as much as he did)

example

Specifics:
*TagG* in the cloud cover(,) so the aft deck (There might be need of a comma there, but I'm actually not 100% sure)
*TagG* work some overtime for a couple hours tonight(,) Lyle,(.) (another comma, but I would end the sentence after his name and start the new one fresh)
*TagG* Lyle winced, and eyed the steaks. (no comma since the next sentence isn't a complete one)
*TagG* his drill sergeant hardened, full metal jacket, Lee Ermey emoted face within an inch of Lyle's. (the crossed out part put off the flow a bit. You could omit it or use a different description - but IMO I think it's clear with just the two)
*TagG* "This is not a request(,) Johnson. The CO is climbing the walls(,) and he wants this information yesterday." (This is a cliche, it also feels like there could be a clearer/more descriptive way of showing this)
*TagG* The word she rattled around in Lyle's mind (you might want to italicize "she" to make it stand out - but it might already be that way in your original doc.)
*TagG*What's your feeling, Lyle."(needs a questions mark)
*TagG*Aklu's people believed that the appearance of the barrier surrounding their Island was a gift from the Gods. (Quite "tell" - could this be delivered a different way?)

Favorite Lines:
*TagB* Lyle stiffened to a more attentive stance(,) understanding well that being anything other than a good listener at this point would be detrimental to his career. (this made me laugh)
*TagB* It seemed strange that her description would be annotated with a single vague adjective -- exotic, (I'm happy you put this line in, because I had wondered why that word would be in their files - Good catch!)
*TagB* The categories could be further drilled down to find vender's who grew the product, country of origin, and even calories per item. (that level of detail is pretty darn scary!)
*TagB* the unsanctioned contact that had put the brass in a tizzy. (great word)

All in all:
*TagO* You've done a good job with giving some of your military characters sympathetic quirks - things like not wanting people do die (opposite from the top or "brass" who don't seem to care and would kill anyone in an instant to keep their goals and end game intact. It makes me wonder if they will be important later on, and that their humanity will work against the military machine. But I'm totally just going by my gut - which isn't always right ahahah. This chapter had a fairly good balance of speaking and description. You manage to include all 5 senses - which is something I always forget.

Thanks for sharing your work. Keep writing and good luck!

Robyn

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43
43
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello once again, Jeannie!

Here is my final review for you *Smile*. I hope you've enjoyed the experience. It was my pleasure to raid your port and find so many great ideas hidden in there. But, if this is the first review/message you've opened, then my final words make no sense *Facepalm*. So *cough* well then, on with my review of "Mystery of an Old Photograph

Synopsis
*TagP* Without giving away spoilers to anyone who might read this review, Jacqueline finds an old picture and hunts down the owner. The search for the owner and her family reveals many surprises!

First Impressions:
*TagV* A touching story. Even though the "past" wasn't brimming with joy, at least the ending is very happy.

Suggestions:

*FlagR* I try to give as many suggestions as possible, so the writer can use anything they feel will help their story and disregard the rest. Please remember that each point is given with the intention of being helpful.

In General:

*TagG* Careful with your commas and adverbs. Go over the standard checklist for editing (as always, for every piece a writer writes)

Specifics:
*TagG* Allen said, knowing he would never say no to his favorite protégé. (this feels like a POV change)
*TagG* Thank you! I’ll be there in twenty minutes,” (period rather than a comma)
*TagG* What if it was someone who wanted to trace their history, and this person collected all the documents that was available to take them over to the archives. (this is a big assumption. Maybe they were moving stuff from their house and it fell out. There could be many reasons. Also, just because it was found near the Daily Star, doesn't mean the destination was the Daily Star. The breeze could have taken it anywhere.)
*TagG* "Yes, I'm the youngest, my older sister is still alive, too, but my older brother has been gone a long time now." Alfred said, after a long pause. (this sentence is comma heavy. It could be broken up into two or three separate sentences. Also, watch out for that period. It should be a comma)

Favorite Lines:
*TagB* "Our mommy is an RN. If you get sick, she'll make you feel better," Chloe stated with certainty. (cute)

All in all:
*TagO* A nice warm fuzzy, especially the ending with the girls.

Thanks for sharing your work. Keep writing and good luck!

Robyn

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44
44
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, Jeannie!

Do you know what you get when you mix fairy wings, toad tongue, and beetle feet together? Neither do I, but Master Wizard Jinx is bored now that the Spell Shop is closed, and he's restored to concocting strange potions. I've found a quite back room to give you your next review - The Proposition  . By the way, did you want to try this unlabeled and "completely harmless" potion for us? *Beakero*

Synopsis
*TagP* Elaina attends seven parties at the request of a mysterious man, Damien Rhodes. The first few go well, but the last two were very much a nightmare for her.

First Impressions:
*TagV* Such a great idea for a story! There are so many possibilities for expansion, or even side stories.

Suggestions:

*FlagR* I try to give as many suggestions as possible, so the writer can use anything they feel will help their story and disregard the rest. Please remember that each point is given with the intention of being helpful.

In General:

*TagG* The biggest thing I would have to suggest with this story would be deciding one either keeping it a short story or making it a full book. I say this because, the general advice with most short stories is to limit the number of characters you introduce to the reader. There were many and I found it harder to connect to them, compared to your other stories before. If you wanted to keep it as a short story, you could cut out 5 of the parties, make the last two parties at one location (one party), and cut out all extra people. This way, you can spend more time focusing on descriptions, building character, and creating more impact to the ending. Dracula's character seems pretty important, yet we get so little information about him. Now, on the other hand, you could keep all of this and extend it into a full book. It would make an amazing NaNoWriMo project!

*TagG* Commas - There were some missing. A quick sweep will fix this easily.

Specifics:
*TagG* least favorite place to walk past, the alley (this makes it sound likes there's only one alley in the city, maybe give it a bit more of a distinction like "The alley beside the 24 hour massage parlor" etc)
*TagG* “Meooow, clink…clank,(.)” a big, black cat (full stop rather than a period, since what follows isn't a dialogue tag)
*TagG* “He’s weird and your problem now.”
*TagG* you're picked by us,(.) just call it your destiny. (full stop rather than comma)
*TagG*seven parties, that’s it! (the exclamation marks feels a bit too strong)
*TagG*some interesting foods that I didn’t recognize
*TagG* He wants everybody (before this sentence there hasn't been any mention of who is in the room with her)
*TagG* He didn’t ask any question, just gave me a smile as I climbed in. (Hmmm, I'm not sure he would smile and act casual if she's running out of a burning building. Perhaps add a line or two of dialogue?)

Favorite Lines:
*TagB* Summing up all my courage, I jogged past ‘muggers paradise’. (I'm not sure if this was meant to bring about a smile, but I laughed at the name. Quite creative)
*TagB* The section with the voodoo doll - oh my!

All in all:
*TagO* As I said before, a fabulous idea for a story. I hope to see you work on this one a little more. Giving more description I think would give this piece a lot of strength. I've already mentioned above what you could cut. I'm also happy you made the vampire a bad guy (rather than the handsome, irresistible, sex magnate most people are writing about now.)

Thanks for sharing your work. Keep writing and good luck!

Robyn

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45
45
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Jeannie,

Have you seen Wizard Jinx's hat? I think I accidentally sent it to you with this review of Terrifying night in Manchac Swamp . Either that, or it fell in my latest batch of Turkey Terror potion. If you see it, send it back would you?

Synopsis
*TagP* Lisa and Richard visit their friends, Harvey and Rachel, in New Orleans. A tour of the swamps brings about an old curse and (without adding spoilers) terror and tragedy ensue.

First Impressions:
*TagV* I really like the setting you chose. The swamps are indeed a beautiful yet dangerous place. I wish more people would choose funky places like this to set their stories. As always, the spookiness was great - my play list also synced up with this...the Nightmare on Elm Street soundtrack started playing as I was reading. THAT is creepy! I would have to say the opening was my favorite - a simple yet great tie in to the next part of the story.

Suggestions:

*FlagR* I try to give as many suggestions as possible, so the writer can use anything they feel will help their story and disregard the rest. Please remember that each point is given with the intention of being helpful.

In General:

*TagG* Reactions to the "fainting" - this is totally a personal opinion about how I would have dealt with that situation. She's pretty freaked out, then she blacked out. If I were in that group, I would have told Harvey to shut up and stop scaring the poor girl with more stories. To me, the actions around this specific situation didn't come across as real enough. But, it would be easy enough to change with just a few tweaks here and there.

*TagG* Confusing action - as the action builds and people start dying or fleeing, I started to get confused with what was going on. I think mostly because there were so many names being mentioned in such a short time. I'm not sure how you would fix it (or even if you should - it could just be me), but I just wanted to point it out.

Specifics:
*TagG* Harvey (had) called and wanted them to visit New Orleans. (Add the "had" to mean he called them before and invited them, otherwise, they are on the plane and he calls them then - no phone calls on planes unless it's the plane phone itself)
*TagG* a voodoo priestess lived here in this very area…(") (omit ellipses and add an end quotation mark)
*TagG* “H-A-R-V-E-Y, GET US OUT OF HERE!” (I would omit the dashes in Harvey's name - otherwise (at first glance) it looks like she's yelling and spelling his name.)
*TagG*“It's Halloween,(period) Yyou both came to have a good time, right?”


Favorite Lines:
*TagB* An eerie voice begins to wail a warning, “Be ready, they’re coming!” (This line, the entire beginning in fact, is a great start to the story.)
*TagB* gnarled, ancient cypress trees with its lacy, webbed-like moss hanging down. (beautiful description)
*TagB* The next day, a Category 4 hurricane brought a thirty foot tidal wave ashore. (that's some pretty intense payback!) *Witchhat*

All in all:
*TagO* If you wanted to cut something out, you could omit the longer section with the dinner and shopping. Then if you wanted to add something, you could bulk out the tour a bit more. Maybe a little more about the witch would be cool too. Since a hurricane hit and killed everyone the first time, you could also add some more storm elements to the main action. Good job!

Thanks for sharing your work. Keep writing and good luck!

Robyn

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46
46
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi again, Jeannie!

The magical "Choosing Wheel" has been spun and landed on "A Forest's Deep Secret. Apologies, the edges of this review are a bit burnt. The baby dragons got out again.

Synopsis
*TagP* Megan and Abby explore a cabin in the woods, but a knife wielding shadow drives them away.

First Impressions:
*TagV* I liked that you didn't follow the cliched approach most might take with a "haunted cabin in the woods" idea. You left the girls alive at the end which would leave room for another story if you wanted.

Suggestions:

*FlagR* I try to give as many suggestions as possible, so the writer can use anything they feel will help their story and disregard the rest. Please remember that each point is given with the intention of being helpful.

In General:

*TagG* Standard Editing Checklist: show/tell, repetitive language etc. (like I mentioned before, this is something I would recommend to any writer at any stage of editing. Come to think of it now, maybe I should just put that as part of my standard template - woohooo! Doing these reviews has now given me a great idea - thanks!!)

*TagG* Stuttering and Exclamations marks - Both of these should be used sparingly, otherwise they lose their emphasis.

*TagG* Repeated themes - this isn't a negative, or even a suggestion for you to do anything. I've noticed two of your stories so far have a similar idea behind them (someone got cheated out of money and a ghost is now haunting the area - enter two female characters). Now, there's absolutely nothing wrong with this - I also have certain story lines I love writing (dark tries to taint the light etc). My only comment, is if/when you want to explore other styles or themes within the mystery/horror genre, look at your old stories and make sure you don't use anything from. It's kind of a "force yourself to grow" sort of thing. This is something I've also been trying to do with my short stories. It's quite fun and rewarding *Thumbsup*

Specifics:
*TagG* Megan could get pushy, so she decided to go along with whatever she had in mind. (This is "tell" - gasp! *Shock* - it could be worked into the story with actions a dialogue, then let the reader figure it out themselves)
*TagG* All done. Do you like it. (?)” (missing punctuation)
*TagG* Are you afraid of this little ole cabin? (old? Ol'? There also needs to be a comma after little to separate the adjectives)
*TagG* Due to the fact that Herman walked with one foot dragging behind him, this sounded kind of like that. (This sentence could use some editing love. The information is sprung on the reader - it could be worked in further up the story when they are talking about Herman, then when they hear it in the story, the reader will know - and the description won't pull them out of the moment.)
*TagG*When that cold hand clamped down on my shoulder (this idea was repeated several times. Instead of cold on the shoulder, it could be a chill in her body, or a shards of ice in her bones etc.)

Favorite Lines:
*TagB* The sweet smell of freshly cut alfalfa whiffed passed their noses as they walked along the dirt road. (this is beautiful description)
*TagB* Everything was quiet now, no farmers in the field, no happy sounds of children playing (I really liked the repetition of this idea and the chnage from bright to dark)

All in all:
*TagO* This reminds me of a documentary I watched about haunted forests. For the life of me, I can't remember the name, but this story makes me want to hunt it down and watch it again. Like I said earlier, I liked that you didn't fall into some of the cliches that come with this genre. If you wanted to cut something, you could take out part of the story with them getting to the cabin. If you wanted to add something, more description of the cabin would be wonderful. Since it's such a key part of the story, give us more to build the picture. Gimme gimme gimme, heehee.

Thanks for sharing your work. Keep writing and good luck!

Robyn

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47
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Geoff,

I spotted your post in NewsFeed and decided to have a peek. Although I have no memories of things like this when I was a child, I can see it in the kids around me, particularly when some co-worker comes into the school with their new baby and a mass of squealing women surround the poor thing. I can see just how scared he/she is. It must be worse with birthdays. Especially if there are clowns. I'm very grateful you didn't put clowns in your story!

If I were to get really technical and picky:

*Bullet* I must perform - put on an act - (period rather than dash) I must perform!

*Bullet* Put on your show(,) my little man, walk on your hind legs. (comma. And hind legs? Oh no, I might have missed something. Kid or dog? I'm so terrible with subtleties! hahahaha)

*Bullet* Mommy(,) I'm scared! (comma)

What I liked most was you described the emotions very clearly in such a short space and the repetition of Happy Birthday.

Halloween Hugs,
Robyn

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48
48
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi JJ,

Here's another review of "Threads in the Tapestry, Chapter "Dancing with Edward G.

Synopsis
*TagP* Merci invites Bill to dinner on the archeological ship, and she later learns he and Enoch were expecting her to arrive in town. Simene urges Merci to be even more careful now that the military is watching her closely.

First Impressions:
*TagV* Lots happening in this chapter. My favorite by far was the revelation that Bill knew of her somehow - "I had no idea you would be so young." was a great line. Bill's character is quite charming.

Suggestions:

*FlagR* I try to give as many suggestions as possible, so the writer can use anything they feel will help their story and disregard the rest. Please remember that each point is given with the intention of being helpful.

In General:

*TagG* Dialogue tags - there were several throughout the chapter. Things like smiled, beamed etc. Since they are facial expression, they generally shouldn't be used as a way to describe speech. They can be tagged onto the tag tho ahah.

*TagG* Timeline double-check - "Sorry to keep bugging you, but I need to tell you something more." - I'm wondering about the timeline here. It feels like Merci gave an update, and Simene was shocked, but a few minutes later, he tells her the military know everything about her. With his personality, I would think he would have something set up to know if people were looking into Merci - like a program what would sound off alarms etc. Then, I would assume he would answer the frankenphone a little more freaked out. You might want to double check the time line between the party, her getting back, answering the phone, and Simene's update about the military.

*TagG* The DVD - If you've changed the DVD section before, you will have to fix a few references of it in this chapter.

*TagG* Areas for possible dialogue or inner thought:

She disliked alcohol except for the Tequila Sunrise (you could make this a thought. Maybe she thinks about seeing if they can make one, or even her being skeptical if they could copy his secret recipe because no one else could)

"Merci peeked in and saw only a handful of patrons." (You could even put snippets of conversation she hears in the bar, or even something that's playing on an old television set. It could be something slightly related to the storyline Possibly solar flares or )

"The bartender asked her for her driver’s license" (put this in dialogue.)

"Before dinner, Adam Loften, the UAA research director for Indian antiquities gave Merci and Bill a complete tour from stem to stern." (Could Merci do this? That way you have some more conversation and it steers the paragraph away from "tell")

Specifics:
*TagG* and as she found out, (feels like an awkward joiner)
*TagG* Her heart fluttered when she recognized him (this word is actually all right, just to me, fluttering hearts have had connections to romance. You don't need to change this, just thought I'd mention it)
*TagG* “Can I buy you a drink(,) lass,” (I think a comma is needed here, maybe)
*TagG* As always, polite suspicion tempered (this sentence feels a little "tell")
*TagG* can you lass,” he grinned (grinned is a facial expression, shouldn't be used as a speaking tag)
*TagG* “Your new in town,” he beamed, (not a dialogue tag)
*TagG* Great town -- Petersburg -- founded by the Dutch you know. (this could be omitted)
*TagG* Thanks, but I’m O.K. (okay, but I can't remember if the abbreviation was used elsewhere in the story so far. I don't think it's a rule to spell it out entirely tho)
*TagG* “You all right,” Merci said with concern, (should this be "asked with concern"?)
*TagG* but as a small child,
*TagG* Bill grinned and Merci laughed, delighted by the old man’s story. (tell and a tad unnecessary)
*TagG* highs of the day were beginning to take their toll (this phrase was mention before, so the day has taken its toll twice heehee)
*TagG* Merci felt a twinge of sadness as the song ended. (this paragraph and the one after that talks about Merci's emotional state and history could be condensed since the ideas have already been repeated in previous chapters.)
*TagG* some kind of mission Enoch’s grandfather has sent him on (was the grandfather mentioned before. Apologies, but I can't remember at the moment. If the grandfather was mentioned in a conversation before, ignore this suggestion. If he wasn't how did Merci know who sent Enoch?)

Favorite Lines:
*TagB* Merci turned to gaze into the clear blue eyes of Bill Stanton.
*TagB* Bill slapped his leg and promptly guffawed himself into a minor coughing fit.
*TagB* May I walk you through that rowdy crowd of street urchin’s lass?
*TagB* Don’t ever take up the game of poker my dear. (ack! She's been found out!)

All in all:
*TagO* The chapter had much better balance with dialogue and narrative, but I pointed out a few more places anyways, just in case you wanted to use them. Bill and Enoch meeting Merci is no coincidence. I am certain this will be a HUGE surprise for the reader. It was for me. It also ties in the incident with her dream a little more. The breakfast meeting has me in jitters.

A pleasure as always,
Robyn

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49
49
for entry "Redman
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi JJ,

I've had a bit of extra time lately, so here's another review of "Threads in the Tapestry, Chapter "Redman

Synopsis
*TagP* Redman, the next member of the secret military team is picked up after being stranded in the middle of Taliban controlled desert.

First Impressions:
*TagV* Ah, another member of the team. A Native American McGuyver. I like it. It's also an interesting background you've given him. While Merci's chapters tie into the other plot lines, Redman's stands apart until he's picked up by the aircraft - you've mentioned before that they will stay fairly separate. Since I know he was next to be picked up, I didn't worry about the chapter being a stand-alone one.

Suggestions:

*FlagR* I try to give as many suggestions as possible, so the writer can use anything they feel will help their story and disregard the rest. Please remember that each point is given with the intention of being helpful.

In General:
*TagG* Our normal order of business - long introductions. This is something we've discussed a few times before. I know you're very aware of this and will be seeing what you can do to address the issue, but since each chapter is unique, I will still try to offer insights or suggestions.

The first thing to point out - three numbers: 11/4/24+ -- 11 lines of dialogue, 4 lines of inner thought, and over 24 paragraphs of narrative.

Now, this is really hard to know what to do, considering most of the chapter is just about Redman alone in the desert. There's no one for him to talk to. You mentioned he talks to himself a lot. That might be something to add a little more of, but not too much so he doesn't look like a crazy nut.

An option - cut out the in-depth description of the old aircraft, whittle down the information of the CIAs involvement in the drug cartels war-cycle to a bare minimum, and take out the paragraph about being born in the teepee. You could keep the line about being a quite and special child, and move it to section where your mention how much he talks to himself - throw in a comment like he may be special but the silence didn't follow him into adulthood (or whatever you feel would be appropriate).

The rest, if it doesn't have a direct link to the plot cut and paste it into whatever backup document you have for things you cut from the story. Why do I say cut it all out? You could have the pilot jump out too and somehow live. That way there is an avenue for conversation - not soul-bearing conversation since they are in a dangerous situation, but at least more dialogue to help the reader through the chapter. If you made the Taliban get a little closer, they could shoot the pilot (if you still want him dead), but Redman ducks for cover somewhere and the bad guys are blown to smithereens.-- this idea might not work at all, just off the top of my head. You will obviously have a much better idea of what will work.

Now, everything I've mentioned would involve heavy amoutns of editing. So, I encourage you to sit on it and think it over before deciding what to address.

Specifics:
*TagG* Sonny considered his involvement in the CIA"s (punctuation ")
*TagG* one two months earlier--in quickly--an hour on the ground, and out. (this reads a little strange. Do you mean "-- in quickly, an hour on the ground, and out." ?)
*TagG* dangerous clandestine ballet (repeated earlier in the story)
*TagG* umbered down the dirt road(,) bisecting a sea of (comma)
*TagG* The work-worn airframe had paid for itself many times over. (this entire paragraph could be taken out, if you were looking for options to cull)
*TagG* A two-hour flight down to the isolated... (this whole sentence was hard to get through)
*TagG* The fact that he was a full-blooded Lakota Sioux (This part feels like where the story should have started - I mean after the section before the first paragraph break)
*TagG* Sonny’s first attempt at flaring a small base type chute was too little, too late. (hmm not sure what this means)
*TagG* Banking on an unwritten rule that covert (sentence long, and hard to read through. Also a tad comma heavy)
*TagG* Sonny scanned the sky, (this short paragraph is hard to read as well and comma heavy)
*TagG* Not a Huey--not a Pave Hawk--not even one of the thousands (the dashes should be commas)

Favorite Lines:
*TagB* Sonny sang God Bless America (this was especially powerful after the paragraph before)
*TagB* He waved at his invisible benefactor, gave a stiff salute, (I like the imagery)
*TagB* “Freedom fighters... (this entire spoken section made me laugh then think "JJ! The mouth on you!" Heeheehee)
*TagB* an impish knowing

All in all:
*TagO* I'm especially interested to see how the group interacts when they are all together. Then again, it might be all business. Although they are killing machines with military-washed minds, I hope they aren't the stereotypical barbarians with a gun. I think I'm still clinging to one of Vit's comments about wondering if he was up to the task anymore. This gets me wondering about the rest of the team and what they are like. So far, I have lots of Redman's background, but I don't see much other emotion other than "Cold and capable".

A pleasure as always,
Robyn

ps. I can't remember if I've ever passed on this website to you. http://editminion.com
It's really handy. Just copy, paste, and hit edit. It will analyze your document then highlight trouble areas. It's not 100% accurate, but useful for helping a writer pinpoint things.


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50
50
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi JJ,

Here's another review of "Threads in the Tapestry, Chapter "The Plausible Impossible

Synopsis
*TagP* Merci spends the day in the town, Ketchikan. She unearths her first archeological discovery and is rewarded with the promise of a dinner with the group during the evening. As if the day couldn't be better, the two men from Simene's DVD show up in the restaurant Merci's in.

First Impressions:
*TagV* Bill and Enoch!! Cooooool. Very interesting that they've shown up. I also realize I was calling your minders with the wrong name of watchers - oops lol. I wonder if her eye contact is going to be enough to have them keep an eye on her. As before, I have pointed out some commas etc. I know that most of it comes from issues with this site - so, I haven't pointed out anything with names. I did, however, point out a few other issues with punctuation, just in case there's one or two that might end up being useful.

Suggestions:

*FlagR* I try to give as many suggestions as possible, so the writer can use anything they feel will help their story and disregard the rest. Please remember that each point is given with the intention of being helpful.

In General:

*TagG* From the start of the chapter, there were around 22 paragraphs before any dialogue. I think that's going to be mighty hard for any reader to get through. I noticed most of the start was her getting ready, eating breakfast, and describing the town. Although the descriptions of the town were beautiful, these could be cut back a little. I have a feeling her discovering something at the dig was important to the plot line, but it was also just given to the reader in narration. Perhaps you could let that scene unfold between Merci and Cindy with more dialogue to give the reader what they need to know. If that extended the chapter too far, you could cut it off when Bill and Enoch walk in. That might be a fantastic place to leave the chapter off = that kinds of hook would leave your reader's heart going a mile a minute, just like Meric's. The conversation with Simene after, could be moved to the chapter after. Make sense?

*TagG* This isn't really a big one, I was just wondering why Bill got more of a physical description than Enoch?

Specifics:
*TagG* strolled onto the third story balcony(,) wide-awake.
*TagG* native Indian cultures who had resided in the area for thousands of years. (some might prefer the politically correct "Native American")
*TagG* Over the centuries(,)
*TagG* Merci leaned against the railing, then she went inside. These two ideas are totally ok but the timing feels rushed. Maybe put the "leaning against the railing" earlier or omit it all together.
*TagG* The large breakfast (meal - to avoid repetition)
*TagG* Merci blended in, drawing layouts, sifting overburden, recording finds, and excavating with blackened hands and knees in the musty, peat like dirt. (comma heavy)
*TagG* her their eyes met for a fleeting moment. In that moment, a strange recognition (repetition placed close together)
*TagG* “What’s that big fellow(')s name,”
*TagG* A slight wrinkle in one man’s overcoat revealed the butt of a handgun, by its shape, a Berretta P4, a law enforcement favorite. (A wrinkle? Could she see the gun? This sentence is a tad confusing.)
*TagG* “You’re looking good Bony, but, I was just wondering, am I appropriately dressed, or, should I say, undressed, for this conversation.” (very comma heavy - puts off the flow, perhaps reword)
*TagG*“Oh shit. I’m sorry(,) Simene. Force of habit.” (comma)
*TagG* embarrassment at seeing her naked, again. (here you might not need a comma, or you could use ellipses)
*TagG* finally holding up a copy of the image he had used in the DVD. (if you've omitted thd DVD, you will have to address this sentence)
*TagG* “Fifteen minutes ago in a busy restaurant, (this whole sentence was comma heavy too. Maybe make into two sentences)
*TagG* big guys with powerful hand guns. (is handgun one word or two?)
*TagG* Check if Island needs to be capitalized.
*TagG*emphasis on protected. (you could put this in italics)

Favorite Lines:
*TagB* He was fiftyish, a bit pot bellied, and a serial ogler.
*TagB* These guys are rock stars in the paranormal world.
*TagB* With her short hair and nearly androgynous choice of clothes, any advantage with career negotiations was dubious.
*TagB* To a fledgling archaeologist, it smelled like pay dirt.

All in all:
*TagO* "In that moment, a strange recognition came over his face." He recognizes her?? No no no, don't tell me why. I don't want spoilers *Bigsmile*. The chapter feels pivotal. Really really pivotal. I think this is the point where you reader won't be able to put the book down until they are finished. My main concern is that this key scene comes after such a long narration at the start of the chapter. I think if you culled the start, and changed the digging section to a conversation, you won't run the risk of losing the reader.

Such an exciting chapter!
Robyn

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