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273 Public Reviews Given
281 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Honest but encouraging. I don't believe in tearing another person down. Consider me the middle step reviewer; someone to read the edited draft and point things out so you can polish it then have a 'zero fluff' reviewer have a look at it and see how it holds up. I focus mostly on how the story flows and makes me feel. My responses will usually be long and detailed - hence the larger than normal GP minimum.
I'm good at...
Supportive feedback while giving the writer mountains of suggestions they can use if they feel are valuable or ignore if they wish (it's your writing after all). I'll point out spelling and grammar problems as long as the story isn't riddled with them (and I go typo blind).
Favorite Genres
Fantasy and Sci-fi are my favs. Horror, Comedy, Thriller, YA too. I will read erotica as long as scenes are relevant and not just thrown in "because" (artistic, well written and tasteful, please).
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Religious, Historical, Fanfiction, extreme rough drafts
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and books.
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry and essays. Mostly because I can't really give good feedback on poems and, as a teacher, I proof read essays enough that my eyes bug out; don't want to read more here.
I will not review...
Poetry and Essays
Public Reviews
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76
76
Review of I Am Bi.....  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
SandraLynn Team Florent!

I came across I Am Bi while looking for stories for the *Clock2* 48-HOUR "Read a Newbie" MISSION *Clock2* and found the title intriguing.

Synopsis
*TagP* The author/narrator describes how her two left feet regularly threaten to put her six feet under with trips, falls, and breaks.

First Impressions:
*TagV* As I said before, the title caught my eye and I wondered how it was going to be worked into a comedy genre. Once we started in with feet, the giggles started and didn't stop. The idioms were cleverly mixed in without being corny or groan inducing and the feet being independent characters was great!

Suggestions:

*FlagR* I try to give as many suggestions as possible so the writer can pick and choose anything they feel would help their story. Some of it might be from a technical point of view, like I was an editor, or they are things I simply felt as a reader, but please take it all with a grain of salt.

In General:
*TagG* There wasn't much in the way of general suggestions to give. The grammar and spelling was solid with only a few error here and there - a few places you could consider adding am oxford comma.

Specifics:
*TagG* Too often their lack of coordinated teamwork has resulted in slips, slides, trips (,) and tumbles (could add a comma)
*TagG* Stairs, any stairs; short, tall, wide, or thin, indoors or out, concrete or wooden, stairs are our nemesis. (This line, I think, was meant to be more poetic and whimsical, but I found it a little hard/confusing to read. Perhaps streamline/polish)
*TagG* Stairs seem to lurk everywhere (,) ready to taunt us. (could add a comma)
*TagG* ...report to work as a PSW to assist clients with personal care (This line is perfectly fine, but you could consider adding the full name for those of us who aren't familiar with the term)
*TagG* kids at school, my hubby at work (,) and nothing to do beyond the usual Mom stuff? (could add a comma)

Favorite Lines:
*TagB* Despite years of effort, I am unable to put my best foot forward.
*TagB* All of us have only seen eye to eye when I've fallen.
*TagB* He was a competitive pairs' figure skater familiar with "handling" girls. (this one made me double over laughing)
*TagB* Later this hero became my husband and he's correct when he says that I fell for him.
*TagB* Clearly, my feet felt I could descend the steps without their help.

All in all:
*TagO* I've always been in awe of people who could craft comedy. There was far too many great lines to include here and the entire story was very well written, but I have to say my favorite part was the introduction and the feet arguing like an old couple. I thoroughly enjoyed this story. Well done!

Also, you might want to hold an intervention for your tootsies. I hear the FFA (Fumbling Feets Anonymous) welcomes all. *Wink*

Thanks for sharing your work. Keep writing and good luck!

Robyn


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77
Review of Nix  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Jeff,

I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item" .

Synopsis
*TagP* In a world and time where supernatural powers have emerged and are now common place, Sergeant Nix uses her ability of equality to catch those that abuse their powers. One day a masked man offers her the choice of raising her power levels to match him and borrowing his ability to use flowmotion to catch him in exchange for setting his bank hostages free. He easily evades her and promises to visit her again for another game of tag. She decided to hold onto this new power and practice so she can catch him.

First Impressions:
*TagV* I read the prompts for the contest and found some super powers I had never heard of before. The two major powers you chose made for a really interesting story.

Suggestions:

*FlagR* I try to give as many suggestions as possible so the writer can pick and choose anything they feel would help their story. Some of it might be from a technical point of view, like I was an editor, or they are things I simply felt as a reader, but please take it all with a grain of salt.

In General:
Since it was for a contest, and you were limited with how much you could write, most of these suggestions would be if you chose to revisit and expand this later on:

*TagG* Your dialogue was good and narration fairly solid, but the action sequences could use some work. I found most of it a step by step explanation of what they were doing. (Eg. He jumped. She jumped after him. He ran faster. etc) For single actions this is fine, but a whole sequence of them starts to get dry. You could consider adding other elements like feelings of pain, other peoples reactions, etc. 'He made combat look effortless, turning trained police officers look into slow oafs that he gracefully danced and spun around.' was an example of where there was a better balance of style vs action.

Specifics:
*TagG* the LAPD frequently loaning her out to the Port of Los Angeles Police and the frequent smuggling and immigration problems they had to deal with. (slightly repetitive)
*TagG* Nix watched. / The Asian (repetitive)
*TagG* "Thank God!" Hhe said, relieved.
*TagG* The officer nodded; he and several nearby officers readied their weapons. (repetitive)
*TagG* She stood to leave, and then turned back to the officer. (Is this action really necessary? To me, it feels like it could be worded differently)
*TagG* She surveyed the scene around her.
*TagG* if you try something sneaky (This word sounds out of place, something a child or teen would say - but that's just me.)

Favorite Lines:
*TagB* For all Nix knew, she could be walking into a situation where the hostages have all been turned into zombies, or where someone had dragged the interior of the bank into another dimension. (I like how this added to the world)
*TagB* When Nix walked through the Academy doors and showed the instructors what she could do, the LAPD knew they had something special. (I like how you introduced how special she was, without falling into the 'tell' trap)
*TagB* Nix guessed they had another Super stowaway trying to sneak into the country along with a shipment of iPhones, Nikes, or whatever was coming in from the factories on the other side of the world today. (This made me laugh)
*TagB* the freight container came hurtling toward them... and landed right on Nix's brand new, fully-loaded Dodge Charger (This made me laugh harder)

All in all:
*TagO* A very cool idea. I especially liked how he got away and it left an opening for a part II.

Thanks for sharing your work. Keep writing and good luck!

Robyn

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78
Review of Halo Effect  
Rated: 13+
Nixie

I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item" .


Synopsis
*TagP* A teenage girl leaves home after being raped, becoming pregnant, and her mother's hostility towards the situation. Arriving on the doorstep of a vet clinic, she soon finds her self being taken care of by the owner, Becky. Through flashbacks and Alex's research, we are given hints that that baby is special. A nameless antagonist also seems to be hovering in the peripherals while Alex finds out Becky knows far more than she's letting on. Several time jumps bring us past birth to Heaven's seventh year where it's clear she's gifted with healing and telepathy. After saving her cousin's life, Haven and Alex are forced to run away.

First Impressions:
*TagV* Blessed/special births have been done many times before but adding the "Halo Effect" has set it apart from other stories. Tension and beautiful language is woven together perfectly. This is one of the few I've come across where there wasn't enough space to include all the lines and parts I liked.

Suggestions:

*FlagR* I try to give as many suggestions as possible so the writer can pick and choose anything they feel would help their story. Some of it might be from a technical point of view, like I was an editor, or they are things I simply felt as a reader, but please take it all with a grain of salt.

In General:
*TagG* The only thing I can generally suggest would be putting an extra space when the story does a time jump.

Specifics:
*TagG* Baggy clothes hid the pregnancy, but anyone hugging me, well, the rounded belly got in the way. (There's nothing wrong with this line, but the use of commas put the flow off a little - to me. Maybe a tiny polish of the sentence. I liked the last part though.)
*TagG* I waggled fingers. (hard to picture/confusing - to me)
*TagG* "Your baggy clothes reveal—more than conceal—your pregnancy." (Flow off a little. Maybe something like, "Your baggy clothes reveal your pregnancy more than conceal it.")
*TagG* "Your body's You're trembling. Have a seat before you collapse."

Favorite Lines:
*TagB* A plump, dumpling sort of woman approached, hands extended. (great description)
*TagB* But then I'm only sixteen and don't know much. (I liked her self realization.)
*TagB* Ranks of file cabinets marched down the wall. (great word choice)
*TagB* Who was the lady of contradictions? (Another great description)
*TagB* The authorities would come and, when my baby was born, take her from me. Use her for research. (A justtiifed fear and tension builder. Great!)
*TagB* While she drove, I nibbled around the edges of the circumstances that brought me to this point. (My favorite line)

All in all:
*TagO* A strong story with great characters. It reads like there's more to come and I'm looking forward to knowing who this unknown antagonist is, how Becky got involved, who the father was and why he chose Alex. Great job!


Thanks for sharing your work. Keep writing and good luck!

Robyn

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79
Review of The Last Serenade  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Janice, Happy Spring

I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item" . And since I'm nearing the end of my requirements, I'm free to choose another story from someone I've already reviewed before. This one looked particularly interesting.

Synopsis
*TagP* Dorthy and Ray revel in their current solitary life style out in the desert and take great joy in listening to the coyotes, but years later progress brings neighbors and silence.

First Impressions:
*TagV* Those who have lived in the countryside will relate deeply to this story. I also lived with no neighbors and loved it. I mourned my friends inability to exist with out constant stimulation and instant gratification when it came to entertainment. I also liked Vicky's character (not her personality but the addition of her). She represents those that don't care about nature and reminds me of a few people I know. This story was simple but powerful and the ending had me teary.

Suggestions:

*FlagR* I try to give as many suggestions as possible so the writer can pick and choose anything they feel would help their story. Some of it might be from a technical point of view, like I was an editor, or they are things I simply felt as a reader, but please take it all with a grain of salt.

In General:
*TagG* There wasn't too much in the way of broad suggestions. Most were small nit picks. The only thing I can suggest would be to omit most of your exclamation marks. They were used so often during the story, I found they quickly lost their strength.

Specifics:
*TagG* The coyotes lived close by in the ravine which ran from the north end, cutting across Ray and Dorothy’s property to the south. (This sentence needs a little refinement. The second part is a little confusing)
*TagG* twenty miles to the West. (where? confusing)
*TagG* Just a few nights earlier they had heard the babies joining in with the adults during one of their howling sessions. At first they sounded like puppies until their limited sounds turned from yipping and whining to their feeble attempts at a howl(ing). (The first bold part is unnecessary. Join in already tells us the adults are included too. The second bold part is a little awkward. Perhaps choose a different world)
*TagG* She had laughed, saying it was the neatest sound she would ever hear. (there's nothing wrong with this word - just, to me, 'neat' sounds like a word a kid would use)
*TagG* "Whatever you do, don’t build a privacy fence. (doesn't need to be on a new paragraph)
*TagG* "Did you know that every house in our development looks alike? (The sentence before this was also the same message.)
*TagG* Vicki knew he was very annoyed with her and she didn’t care. (This feels like a POV change)
*TagG* happy that they were finally going to get some oranges from those funny little green things. (Unnecessary)

Favorite Lines:
*TagB* The pack had been religious about their nightly howling for almost two years now.
*TagB* She could step out on the back porch with her morning coffee and only the mountains to the north would know whether or not she was dressed. (made me laugh)
*TagB* The irony of it all is that wall has to be there, so your neighbor can’t look into your bathroom and watch you piddle!" (made me laugh)
*TagB* A huge Saguaro at the edge of their own property watched and waited like a sentinel. (beautiful sentence)

All in all:
*TagO* A fantastic story I deeply related to. Well done!

Thanks for sharing your work. Keep writing and good luck!

Robyn

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80
Review of It's Too Late  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Sum1

I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item" . The 'Dark Sci-fi' tag caught my attention. Dark=good. Sci-fi=good. Together=Awesome!


Synopsis
*TagP* A respected quantum-physicist is arrested after propositioning several women. The interrogating detective learns an experiment had gone wrong would soon destroy the earth and the scientist was trying to live out his fantasies.

First Impressions:
*TagV* I have to say the ending was one of the stronger ones I've read on this site. Fantastic. There also was enough tech language to make it believable without losing the reader and turning it into hard-scifi.

Suggestions:

*FlagR* I try to give as many suggestions as possible so the writer can pick and choose anything they feel would help their story. Some of it might be from a technical point of view, like I was an editor, or they are things I simply felt as a reader, but please take it all with a grain of salt.

In General:
*TagG* The characters and plot were strong enough that there's not much to offer for suggestions, but I found there were several sentences that could be improved and therefore improve the story as a whole. There were a few parts where Kevin wavers between no emotion and breaking down. This reaction is believable in this situation, but I found it came across more like clinical mental instability rather than a man struggling with the end of days. But this was just my reaction as a reader.

Specifics:
*TagG* Detective Osborn was puzzled at Kevin’s insistence (There's actually nothing wrong with this but the word puzzled feels out of place with the character. It's also a tad 'tell'. Perhaps working it into dialogue)
*TagG* Men who had done acts such as he’d done usually ended up in court. (Slightly repetitive)
*TagG* you propositioned several others; you knew each one of them, and each time, the same result. (Order puts off the flow. Perhaps reword)
*TagG* Detective Osborn only responded when he realized that Kevin wasn't going to say anything more. (You could put a comment about silence before this part to make more time pass and this sentence stronger)
*TagG* It took an incredible amount of willpower to regain control of his feelings. (This sound more like Kevin's POV)
*TagG* You don’t fit the profile of a perv, the kind of person who normally does what you’ve done. (The first part is one of my favorite lines but the second part suggests that the title of perv is only for those who propositions women)
*TagG* His voice was so soft that Osborn found himself leaning close to Kevin to hear what was said. (Something like "Osborn had to lean in to hear...", to me, sounds better)
*TagG* He began to speak, his words slow at first, then picking up speed. ('Slow at first' already suggests he will pickup speed)
*TagG* Recently, we began to collide protons at higher and higher energies (This doesn't sound like something a professor would say. 'At increasingly higher speeds" or something like that)
*TagG* Kevin continued to speak, his speech flowing smoothly, information pouring out of him now. (Each of these sentences sort of suggest the same thing.)
*TagG* it would essentially explode into a much larger size (Sounds off. Perhaps reword)
*TagG* Kevin continued, becoming agitated as he spoke more and more. (Sounds strange, to me)
*TagG* Osborn couldn’t stop the exclamation that escaped from his mouth. (I think the "Ten days!" is enough this line doesn't need to be in there)

Favorite Lines:
*TagB* You don’t fit the profile of a perv, (ha! Perv. Don't know why, but it's a great word choice)
*TagB* it was immediately swallowed by the first one, doubling its size. (All I could think of was, "Oops.")
*TagB* There are several things I’ve always wanted to do, and those women had always excited me.(Can blame the guy for trying *Pthb* )
*TagB* “Good luck, Dave, but I think it’s too la--“ (Best line!)

All in all:
*TagO* A great short story and one of the few hard(ish) sci-fis I could follow. Well done!

Thanks for sharing your work. Keep writing and good luck!

Robyn
81
81
Review of Shadow Detective  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi ~WhoMe???~

I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item" . I'm also a sucker for dark, scary stories and this looked interesting.

Synopsis
*TagP* A young woman wavers between fear and uncertainty as, night after night, a stranger appears in the corner of her room, watches, but does nothing. The ending reveals it to be a dream and leaves the reader wondering if she will replay all over again.

First Impressions:
*TagV* This was a cool concept, not necessarily new but still still interesting to read. It had hints of 'The Triangle' and 'In the Mouth of Madness', with it's cyclical ending, mixed with an Alfred Hitchcock-like tension.

Suggestions:

*FlagR* I try to give as many suggestions as possible so the writer can pick and choose anything they feel would help their story. Some of it might be from a technical point of view, like I was an editor, or they are things I simply felt as a reader, but please take it all with a grain of salt. I also noticed there was no word limit posted and no notes saying there were limitations on the piece, so I looked at everything as if you had unlimited room to expand.

In General:

*TagG* Something kept creeping into the back of her mind, making her feel like she was forgetting something.- Reading this through the first time, I found the fact she totally forgot a little unbelievable. Mostly because of the fear you built up in her the first night. Perhaps she could have forgotten during work because it was busy, but not knowing at all until it started again was stretching it. Now, since it was a dream (and the entire thing could have been a dream), one could argue that total believability could be ignored, but it seems you were going for as real as possible so the ending was a bigger surprise. I would have the feelings and fear linger. There are enough hints already.

*TagG* The sequence was only a few nights - there's actually nothing wrong with this. The story sits fine with the current timeline, but if you wanted the ending to be stronger, you could extend it longer. Make it weeks, even months. It also doesn't have to be confined to the bedroom. Maybe she could fall asleep in other rooms or at her office. Have you ever had those dreams that the line between sleeping and waking is blurred(you don't know when exactly it was you woke up)? There's lots to play around with there.

*TagG* Getting into the technical stuff, there were two big things that you might want to address: 1 - repetitive concepts - I noticed there were many lines that were just rewording of what you had before, things like 'she didn't move', 'she was scared', 'it was dark', 'she focused on her breathing' etc. Granted she's feeling it again because the situation is repeating, but I counted five different reiterations of 'she didn't move' within the first dream sequence alone. 2 - Internal Questions - There were many of them. I understand a 'detective' will ask a lot of questions, and a few within the story I could totally understand, but there were so many it started to feel like a plot crutch to explain her feelings.

*TagG* I felt the story only explored her feelings, actions. What about smells, touch, sounds (besides silence and her heart), tastes etc.? An example would be her room. Her eyes focused and she could see the details of her room, but then we were given no details.

Specifics:
*TagG* The deafening silence was so loud she could hear the train roaring as her heartbeat sped out of control. (Confusing, it reads like there was an actual train going by not the roaring silence in her head)
*TagG* She couldn’t make a run for it, for he was right next to the door. She would have to run by him to get out of the room. (Repetitive. If he's by the door, then clearly she would have to run by him to get out.)
*TagG* She would wait him out. She would react to his action. (This sounds strange to me. Perhaps reword or omit)
*TagG* She lay there not moving for what seemed an eternity. (This phrases has been repeated many times in the story. It's also an overused phrase in most writing. I would reword)
*TagG* Safe! Or was she? (This sounds a little too 'dun dun dun!" join us next time on the twilight zone - but that's just me)
*TagG* She scrambled into her sleeping attire, which usually consisted of an old pair of shorts and a ragged old shirt. ('She scrambled into an old pair of shorts and her favorite ragged t-shirt' would work just fine.)
*TagG* She knew she wouldn’t survive a fourth night, the exhaustion alone was sure to be the end of her. (I know it's a dream but people won't die from 4-5 days with no sleep. People have gone longer. You feel strung out, you cry, you feel like your going to lose your mind, but it wouldn't be the end. Now, if you extended the experience to months and had her pounding back caffine drinks, yes she could die)
*TagG* The back door was not locked. She knew this, because the door wasn’t even shut. (If the door is open, then clearly it wasn't locked.)
*TagG* Bang, the door slammed shut. (I would put Bang on it's own line.)

Favorite Lines/Ideas:
*TagB* Loud music didn’t even reach the ears of a neighbor, how would a scream? (Fantastic line.)
*TagB* I liked that she grabbed a rake. For some reason it made me laugh, but it was still a great weapon, better than the cliche shovel or baseball bat.
*TagB* A quick snack of salsa and chips washed down with a coke, then some reading before getting ready for bed. (I'm glad I'm not the only one who eats stuff like this before bed! Woohoo!)
*TagB* The cyclical ending and use of the opening line at the ending was great.

All in all:
*TagO* I like the base you've built up. There's so much to work with I think you could have a lot of fun expanding and exploring. If you haven't seen either of the movies I've mentioned, I highly recommend starting with the Triangle. It's one of the few movies that actually left me creeped out for days. I think this story has lot of potential to do the same.

Thanks for sharing your work. Keep writing and good luck!

Robyn
82
82
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
HuntersMoon,

I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item" .

With all suggestions, feel free to use or disregard anything you wish.

Synopsis
*TagP* The story opens with Josh identifying the remains of his mentor "Card" D'Squalo. Through flashbacks, we then learn that his mentor had found him on the streets while hustling cards and had taken him under his wing.

First Impressions:
*TagV* A short but well packaged story. Just enough sci-fi detail to set the world and establish your characters. I especially liked how you tied Card's main lesson towards gambling into Josh's epiphany. No spelling mistakes I could see.

Suggestions:
*TagG* Joshua reached a hand out and turned the left arm over revealing an Ace of Diamonds tattoo.
*TagG* The Doctor brought a vid-screen hologram to life, tapped a few keys, and, as the screen blinked out of existence, the last remains of "Card" D'Squalo were transported back into the holding area. (had to read it twice to make sure. I would reword to have less commas)
*TagG* No. Standard cremation and scatter was all he spoke about. He didn't have any family – at least none he ever spoke of. (slightly repetitive)
*TagG* Staring out into the vast star field that spread out from Haley's Emporium, he felt alone again, for the first time in years. (Flow was off. Perhaps reword or reorder)
*TagG* Sure. But only the card you choose. (Had to read it twice then go back to Card's dialogue. Maybe something like "Sure, but you can only turn over one." or something like that.)
*TagG* Suddenly, he felt a smile begin. (This one is totally just me. I feel 'Suddenly' is over used and there are other choices)
*TagG* Joshua saw the irony and the truth in Card's final lesson. (I think the smile and his final words make it clear he understand it. This sentence isn't really needed)


Favorite Lines:
*TagB* The face was hideously distorted, the results of sudden decompression. (great sci-fi detail)
*TagB* His short but well-muscled frame spoke of being raised on a planet with strong gravity. (great sci-fi detail)
*TagB* Ace up his sleeve tattoo (cool idea)
*TagB* and how to read others of every species (great sci-fi detail)
*TagB* Card had lived as a Gambler – until luck had failed and now, he was moving on. (As I said before, loved how this was tied into the flashbacks and the end lesson)

All in all:
*TagO* I enjoyed this story. I think there's lots of room here to expand into a book. Card's first name (Marion) made me think of the movie Lockout. The MC is a tough guy that never uses his first name too. It made me laugh.

Good luck in your future writing!

Robyn
83
83
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Zahid,

I came across your story in the Random Review for the 36hour Community Review Mission. The tag caught my interest and I decided to have a read. With all suggestions, feel free to use or disregard anything you wish.

Synopsis
*TagP* An old captain finds himself at the mercy of the birds he had killed in a crude oil spill.

First Impressions:
*TagV* This story feels like essence of The Raven mixed with The Birds. Very cool.

Suggestions:
*TagG* “Yes I remember now you were the captain of the ill fated Bellygrad, which sank just of (off) the English coast.”
*TagG* Not my finest hour, I admit. The weather was bad and I misjudged how close we actually were. (,)” Said (said) the eighty four year old man sitting on a sofa.
*TagG* “Not really (full stop) there was a program about it just a few weeks ago-a repeat- I think”
*TagG* The woman suddenly looked to the window at a rather large sea gull which just sat staring with its beady eyes, just sitting and staring. (interesting line but it needs some editing. Perhaps dividing into two parts and adding a little more to build the suspense.)
*TagG* lay dead and dying just of (off) the coast
*TagG* There was the sound of more flapping wings, which got louder and more and more frequent, Rupert couldn’t see in the dark but realized there must be more then a dozen birds in his small room and they started to peck…peck …peck! (this line has massive potential but needs some TLC. I found it hard to read through)

Favorite Lines:
*TagB* I fear that bird out there means you harm and ill will, it’s just an intuitive feeling. (I don't know why but this made me laugh, very 'matter of fact' and out now where. I liked it.)
*TagB* “Shoo!” he said to the sea gull which still stood there implacably unmoved. (I hate when they do that! lol)
*TagB* Soon evening turned to night and the ex-captain Rupert got his old frail form of the sofa and slowly on unsteady legs made it to his bed in the other room. (great description)

All in all:
*TagO* This story could use another edit to address punctuation and spelling mistakes, but I enjoyed reading it and hope you find time to extend it to a longer story, there's lots of potential here.

Good luck and keep writing!

Robyn
84
84
Review of Salt  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Had a read of the other items in your portfolio - quite and interesting collection! Massive potential for a full book. Of all the characters, your villain is the best developed so far - bad guys are the most fun to write *Smile*. My favorite for concept was the Dreamcatcher but the ballroom scene was very cool too and reminded me of the movie The Labyrinth.

Let me know when you have something put together, I would love to read it.

hugs,
RVH
85
85
Review of Blessed Be!  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Blessed Be by J.A.Buxton

First thoughts:
I liked how you kept the secondary character's true identity for the very end. Not an animal one would usually choose but I like that you did it. Quite powerful.

Suggestions:
*BurstB* For years, they’d come to this tiny church, fill / His only companion was the one he’d... (imo I would write the pronouns and had separately. I think it improves the flow rather than double checking if it was a had or a would.)
*BurstB* Ralph pushed against the wooden door hanging half on and half off its rusted hinges. (omit bold, unnecessary)
*BurstB* more beautiful than that caused by the most expensive stained-glass windows. (this sentence could be polished)

Favorite lines:
*BurstG* On the far side of 90, Ralph was alone with all his family and friends gone to their final rewards.
*BurstG* board by insect-riddled board.

All in all:
I liked it and the message very much. This could be made into a book/collection of short stories about human/animal relationships.

Well done!
RVH
86
86
Rated: E | (3.0)
Insomnia by Femininja

First thoughts:
Great short story with wonderful tension and description.

Suggestions:
*BurstB* His white-blond hair glowed in the golden light of sunset that lit up against the backs of (omit) the trees behind him. (imo, the bold section is a little too wordy and takes away from the strength)
*BurstB* After a moment, Oberon made a derisive noise in his throat. (Perhaps a more accessible synonym: mocking, jeering, teasing, snide, sneering)
*BurstB* There was a way, after all, to make things right for Dee, for her sister. (You established that the little girl was the niece earlier on, but once I got into the action and read 'sister', it threw me off and I had to re-read it to double check. Perhaps reword to "for her niece and sister." rather than a comma.)

Favorite lines:
*BurstP* a cold finger of fear twisting up her spine.
*BurstP* the corners of his mouth twitched periodically, as if fighting an irresistible urge to smirk.
*BurstP* Finding nothing else, nerves frayed to bare threads, she fumbled for a trump card.
*BurstP* but an invitation lurked under his words.

All in all:
It could use another edit to stream line the flow and rework a few of the awkward sentences and unnecessary dialogue tags. Oberon was a fantastic character. I noticed in your portfolio you're working on several other short stories. I didn't have time to read them but I hope you are expanding this story. I think it has massive potential.

Well done!
RVH
87
87
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
The Wayward Cataphiles by Jeff

We meet again Jeff! The random review tool seems to be very kind to me today and delivering me some great stories!

First thoughts:
*BurstP* Beautifully worded and well established.

Suggestions:
*BurstG* (At this distance) (This close) he could clearly make out their every detail;
*BurstG* Stephen's mind was reeling from all of this (awkward, reword. Could be polished like some of the sentences in your first paragraph)
*BurstG* woman/faerie (omit slash, substitute for 'the most beautiful creature he had...' or something along those lines)
*BurstG* There was a thin laceration on his shoulder which, upon closer inspection, was actually four smaller ones in perfect alignment. (Too wordy for the beginning of an action sequence. Simplify.)

Favorite lines:
*BurstB* Astrid said in that melodic French lilt
*BurstB* tinny voice in his disposable headphones
*BurstB* an infectious beat coursed through the crowd

All in all:
This story is similar to one I had just read, in that both are contest entries and both were fantastic to read. I would have liked more detail more with the route to get to the club though (but perhaps there was a word limit to the contest, so I can understand if you had to leave some details out).. the last character's thoughts were a little unnecessary. I would have stopped at "...his dough into a baking pan." For a short story, I think the ending would be more powerful if you stopped there. Then again, if you wanted to expand this story (which I hope you do) Marcel's thoughts would be necessary to set up the plot.

Well done!
RVH
88
88
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Where Do We Go From Here? By Duane Engelhardt

First thoughts:

An interesting read. Enough information impressively packed into such a short story to give us a hook at the start, detailed middle and a great ending.

Suggestions:

*BulletB* Throat - (repetitive)
*BulletB* Then (they) plant trees. (omit they)
*BulletB* ...health care, it’s a (")take a number and hope you don't die before someone sees you(") kind of clinic. - (use punctuation to make it an 'adjective')
*BulletB* Your first paragraph doesn't fit with the style of the others.
*BulletB* You sure as hell don't want to go to a (any) hospital.
*BulletB* 'Swore' - you use this a lot but it doesn't really fit. She swore she didn't see anything. Maybe, "She promised she couldn't see anything." Or "She was certain there was no problem."
*BulletB* “So, where's the blood? I don't see no blood. Be a doll and run down and get us a delicious meal at almost no cost.” She sounded just like the official government commercial." (this line really doesn't work. "Be a doll and get us something cheap for dinner," or something like that)
*BulletB* "I don't think a nurse would swear or talk that way during business hours :)

Favorite lines:
My girlfriend looked at me and joked, about spilling some ketchup on my leg.
The next morning, another official map. I studied it closely, the town of Bixby was now gone.
He moved cautiously over to a sanitizer dispenser on the wall and pumped a large blob in to his hands.

All in all:
I enjoyed the story very much. I noticed it was for a contest entry, so there must have been a word limit and other restrictions. Maybe now though, you could expand it a little. I would have liked to see more about the setting. Later in the story you mentioned the government television ads. You could put one in that that the MC is listens to rather than making the GF speaks the line. Also, the fact that government has to feed everyone and the population is on food stamps/coupons could be expanded at the start as well.

Basically, I would have liked to read more, and that's always good in a story :)

Let me know if you end up expanding this, I would like to read it.

Well Done!
RVH
89
89
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hi there!

The tag "Strange new beings" caught my attention and I always love a good dystopian story.

I like the idea so far and the hook at the end of the Prologue and chapter one was great, makes me want to keep going. Your language is descriptive enough to enrich the story but not make it and effort to read through.

There were a few suggestions you can take or leave as you wish.

*QuestionB* It was true (,) the stories we heard as children.
*QuestionB* festering would (wound) that never healed.
*QuestionB* to the ruin of the world, (as it was.) (omit)
*QuestionB* No one cared for anyone (,) save themselves.
*QuestionB* (if they were lucky) / (and last) Miles evening - (I would omit the bracket and get the info in another way, they just seem out of place)

*NoteO* The beginning of chapter one, perhaps get the dialogue going earlier. In the prologue, I understood the need for that narrative but I found I need a break from it.

*NoteO* Wives cheated on their husbands... (I would reword to something like "Husbands and wives cheated on each other" Women aren't the only ones who cheat. Keep it balanced and fair)

Favorite line:
Minerals and natural resources stripped and used for meager purposes. Pumping the very air with dangerous and unnatural gases while the land and sea was being invaded by toxic waste.

All in all, I liked the story so far. Well done and keep writing!
RVH
90
90
Review of Legacy  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Jeff,

Wonderful story! Enough detail to set up what was necessary and all in only 2000 words, well done!

Not much in the way of useful suggestions I can give, but here are three things I came across:

- The following sentence was a little long and hard to get through, maybe break down into two or polish?
I had tried to convince my mother and father to send my good for nothing younger brother Gaius in my place, but after hearing the unfortunate news of Lord Damara's eldest son being dismembered by a band of savages last year (and realizing that his second eldest son was now embarking with my group), it became clear that the oldest in the family wasn't necessarily the sole heir so much as the first in what could be – depending on the size of the family and their luck in the Outer Realm – a very long line of heirs.

Even Lord Damara gave his (second) son a heavy shield
-Brackets necessary? I felt it read better without them.

It was a journal(!)
-Felt the exclamation point was unneeded. He was indignant but maybe something like "It was a journal, a damn journal."

Favorite lines:
-marching through sand and rock and all manner of gray and brown countryside
-we took it more as a "welcome to the neighborhood" greeting from the Outer Realm's indigenous inhabitants.

All in all, I loved it and the message

RVH
91
91
Review of The Snow Maiden  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thomas,

Very interesting story, I enjoy very much, especially the ending.

As for suggestions, here were the things that caught me attention.

1. There were a few lines where you formatting/style for thought was different. In one part quotation marks were used and in another there was nothing.

"Ah, to be a child again,” he thought.
The children had done a fine job, he thought.

2. "he found that he could not so much as move a muscle. He was paralyzed." Those two parts are repetitive.

3. These lines I felt could be polished a little more:

- He chased after them, but she eluded him, laughing, teasing him
- Only his wish was more like a silent prayer, and when he was finished he laid the star in the virgin’s lap, where it continues to glow to this day.
- He followed her into the forest, and soon realized where it was that she was taking him: the holy shrine nestled by the side of the lake. The lake was frozen over, but he could see a blue flame glowing beneath the ice.
- In her lap an un-flickering candle still burned, it seemed, perpetually -- burned as one with the blue flame that endured at the bottom of the lake.

My favorite lines:

- The woods were still. No creature stirred. Everything was tucked away, hidden safely from the cold night air. The tall white cedar trees arched high up above and the woods were serene, as silent as a cathedral.

- In the place where her eyes should have been, he marveled to see a pair of icy blue gems glistening by the light of the moon. And in the space where her heart should have been the children had placed a red rose.

- He stared up at the pale sickle moon and the crisp blue stars.

Thanks for the read, well done!
Good luck in your future writing,
RVH
92
92
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Charlie,

Wow, I usually don't gush but that was amazing. Why? I believe writing should pull emotion out of people - any emotion. The piece would easily strike a cord with anyone because it's something we've all experienced. No nit picks to find.

The most believable was the first. Number 3, I couldn't help but laugh.

The entire thing reminded me of when someone borrows something, loses or breaks it, says sorry but doesn't offer to replace it. gawd.

Anyways, thanks for the read!
RVH
93
93
Review of Dark Revenge  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, Shade.
Had a read of your first story. Interesting idea. The rough draft is always the perfect time to get feed back.
My first reactions were:

There's a good hook at the beginning, which will keep the reader interested, so that's a plus.

1. Clean up the repetitive language. For example,

"Now aren't you a cutie! No sorry, I'm not an angel, but my name is Angelica," replied Angelica
In his hand was a large role of duct tape. As he approached Matt he unrolled a long piece of tape.

2. The descriptions are somewhat step by step and dry. Like: He woke up, he stood up, he did this, he did that. Like if you say 'they pressed a cloth to his mouth and the world started to dim'. Then you wouldn't need to tell us it's chloroform. There's so much room to make the reading flow and liven it up. You already have the base there to work from and some gem sentences you could expand.

3. His actions and words don't seem to match a four year old. Maybe 7/8. His character development needs some polishing. I didn't really feel like he was that scared. Waking up and trusting the first person I saw would be a little unbelievable.

As with all critiques, you can take or leave what you wish. Keep at it and I'm sure there will be a stellar story when it's done!

Thanks for the read. Keep writing and enjoy!
RVG
94
94
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Sara,

Just finished chapter 1 of Cure for Immortality. All in all I thought it was a solid read with vivid but not overdone description and just enough sci-fi language without hindering flow. There aren't really any problems I can point out other than Paul's sudden changed of mood near the end. I found it a little out of left field after such clear anger. Then again, it might be relevant to the plot or his character later on, so feel free to disregard.

Favorite part: "She loved the squalor and the ancient, rough-hewn tables that stank of years of malt and whiskey. She loved the dirty glasses, the weapons on every hip. She loved the battered, crusty-eyed spacers that looked ready to cough up a lung or die of the Plague."

Two thumbs up. I would definitely buy it.
I wish you good luck in your writing!

RVH
95
95
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Elements!

I tend to stick to fantasy or sci-fi when I read and came across your prologue. It's an good start to the story, enough drama to hook the reader. As for constructive feedback, there were no major issues I could find so I had to start nit picking for things to offer you (but it's coming as writer with their own style as well) Feel free to use or disregard any of these:

There were a few repeated words that could be changed:
"Inside, the farmer sat by the hearth, stoking the fire, a mug of beer in his hand. His wife sat on the other side (of the hearth)."
The word scythe could be replaced with blade etc. or omit all together and focus on the action rather than the object.
The men did not move, save one. The man in the purple armor strode forward (men/man) perhaps "The one in purple armor"

A few words seemed out of place: brain, dropped like a sack of rocks, they were raping her
The language doesn't seem to match the other words you've chosen.
Using 'rough' rope seemed necessary when we want to be focusing on his pain and fear etc.

Finally the POV seemed to changed half way through. Is it still from the farmer's pov? (Keep in mind this is just from the first read but usually we don't want the reader to have to go back and scan again)

My favorite line was "Lord Venner was still loyal this morning, at least.”

I some of that helps and thanks for the read!

RVH
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