Welcome to WDC and thank you so much for sharing this with us.
Normally a piece that sorely lacks punctuation would get a review full of suggestions and recommendations on how to correct the issue and make it flow better but this one does not get one of my normal reviews for such a piece. Why? Because this is so touching and heart poundingly to the point that it brought tears to my eyes and made me see, yet again, that we live in a world of illusion and make believe and fantasy and that most people can not handle the truth and the pain that is out there for everyone who just knows how to look.
The flow of this is perfect. The lack of punctuation pulls the reader into your world and doesn't let go until the very end. You have used PERFECT aabb rhyme schem to remind the world of what truly is imporant. A smile may be free but what does it truly mean if nothing else is given but a smile. No kind word, no offer of help. Every action that we make either helps or hinders someone. If everyone is silent about the heartache and the pain that the world deals with will it make the world a better place or a worse? Will we all get so wrapped up in each others problems and forget to be ourselves?
The only suggestion I can make is on the second line of the last stanza. Try writing it as follows:
Will I understand the sound or will the fears become my shame
This would help the flow better than "or are the fears become my shame".
Other than that, great job. I am looking forward to reading more of your work!
Silver:
First off, welcome to WDC. I am sure you will have an amazing time and meet many wonderful writers from all walks of life.
This is an absolutely adorable first person account told through rhyme. You have no spelling or grammar errors and you have truly gotten a chuckle out of me.
You pull the reader along at a quick pace which surely fits this poem.
Thank you for sharing and please continue to write and I shall certainly continue to read. I will be exploring your port in more detail to find a longer piece!
Welcome to WDC. Here you will find an amazingly supportive virtual family who will help to explore your writing and make you stronger as a writer and hopefully, as they did me, as a person!
This has the potential to be a wonderful piece of free-verse writing. You have managed to incorporate sadness, confusion and the feeling of being unsure about life and love with these words. I am not sure what type of help you would like with this. Are you planning on making it into a form? Are you planning on rhyming? Depending on the direction you are planning on taking this piece either myself, or countless others, could help you with this.
As it stands it is very emotional and speaks straight to the heart and it is something that everyone can relate to.
My favorite line here is truly the last three lines. You have posed a question from an outsiders point of view, a question that everyone has asked themselves in some form or fashion. What can you learn of something as foolish and immeasurable as human love? That is something that will have to be answered on your own.
Thank you so much for sharing this and please continue to write and let me know what type of help you are looking for for this
piece and I'm sure I can point you in the right direction!
Welcome to WDC. I hope you find love, laughter and support within this hallowed screen.
This is a very interesting take on a why a writer writes. Some of us write for the publicity, some because we can't do anything else. Then there are those few of us who write to have other people feel something. Emotion. To laugh, to cry, to clutch at our chests or just go ooooh. We write to get our emotions out there on the page and to share them. Helping ourselves and helping others. We write because we have something to say. That is what this feels like to me.
This seems a bit stifled and doesn't flow as smoothly as I am sure you meant it to. It could the the lack of punctuation at the end of each line.
Try this instead for the first stanza:
As swift as the swimmer in the water,
as soon as the paint on the walls,
as appreciated as a mother's first daughter,
my writing will move them all.
First line of second stanza you have an extra comma after morning. The comma should not be there.
Try what I did for each stanza and it should help the flow of this piece. As is, you portray a wonderful message.
Please continue to write and I shall continue to read!
This is a very interesting and very powerful piece. This tells of something that people experience on a day to day basis and that people pretend does not exist.
This piece would pack a lot more of a punch if you would straighten out the grammar a bit. The way that it is written, the spacing between the sentences, the capitalization all hinder the reader. The pacing that you have used pulls the reader through at a stifled pace.
There is one sentence in particular that could use re-wording."Or a man with a smile to wide to fit your screens,full of talking people?"
Try this:
"Or am I the man with a smile that is too wide to fit into your screens full of talking people."
If you would like help with any other rewriting please feel free to let me know.
Thank you for sharing and welcome to WDC. I am sure you will enjoy your time here with us!
Yay! A perfect piece that I can rate as such. This is a glorious piece done perfectly in mirrored cinquain form which is a cinquain then having it reversed...2,4,6,8,2 and then repeated.
You have used this form beautifully to tell the story of a lover that is watching the one that they love sleep and being oh so gentle with the touch so as not to wake the sleeping one. This is the perfect moment of complete trust because we are never as vunerable as we are the moment that we drift off to sleep and leave ourselves open like this.
Thank you so much for sharing this with everyone and reminding everyone of the so vunerable but so delightful state of being helpless yet safe at the same time, curled up next to one we love even if we are unaware of their presence.
Please continue to write and I will surely explore your port in greater detail.
I would love to see you expand upon this in more detail and love to see the direction that your muse would take this. This is a very interesting tale of being not just the first born but the first born of the actual First born.
This is a wonderfully written freeverse about how life was innocent and calm before we as the human race decided to destroy one another..
The only part that I had problems with was a simple typo. Stanza two you have said
"We lived without doubt.
We lived without fear.
We knew nothing of death.
We live forever"
Add the letter "d" to live and it will stay in correct tense as you have used past throughout this piece and it will keep the tenses correct.
Thank you for sharing and I will surely stop by your port for a longer visit.
This review is brought to you by the wonderful people at Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you are enjoying the shower.
Here you have created a wonderfully potent poem that everyone can relate to. Almost everyone in the world has been through this. Someone not finding you good enough, strong enough, smart enough,special enough. You won't fit into "their" version of the world so why even bother? Why should you even try?
When we try we normally have to put on a "mask" but why should we have to? Why should we have to pretend to be something that we are not just to get someone to love us?
You have asked all of these questions without even asking them, and asked them in perfect aaab rhyme. The first three lines of each stanza are monorhyme with the last line of each stanza rhyming with the one before it. This was brilliantly done and packs a very potent punch when you read it.
Everyone has felt this way and you have explored the subject beautifully and with tact and I applaud you for this decision and now I truly want to go and read more of your work as if it is anything like this your port is truly going to be a find.
Well done and please keep on writing and I will surely keep on reading!
Hooroo Doccy. I'm flying through with a review on one of your latest pieces. Hopefully you enjoy the review.
This one is excellently written with not a grammar problem, spelling error or punctuation error in sight. This is a very interesting take on the "tall tale" genre and you have done it in one of my favorite settings, the "wild wild west" when it truly was "survival of the fittest" and weaklings did not survive very long.
My favorite line in this entire piece happens about half way through the story. You have had your main character inform the naive cattlehand that "“most cowboys knew right from wrong even when they were angry son; it weren’t like those damn dime novels.”".
This was extremely well done and reminded the reader that the stereotypes that they may have are not always 100% correct. I feel that you could have put just a little bit more of a spook factor into this piece and the pace could have been a bit quicker but you have done an amazing job with the dialect and language that people would have used "way back when".
This story was well written but the pace was a just a little bit lacking for me but it was still a very interesting and fun piece to read.
Great job and thank you so much for sharing!
Pleaes keep on writing and I shall mosey into your port in greater detail!
Hi again. Nice to see a new piece of writing in your port.
This garland cinquain is amazing. You have made the reader feel love, desire, passion, understanding and doubt all through the use of a very difficult form. I have only recently begun to form my poetry and the garland cinquain was the first one that I have tried because I found just a normal "cinquain" to be too short for me to adequately express my emotions and feelings on the subjects that I chose to write about. This has a perfect and spot on syllable count and you have kept it consistent throughout the whole piece, using the standard 24682 count. I do not think that I could have done better!
As one who has written in this form I know that you have to think of the placement of certain lines in the stanzas or you wind up leaving a complete construction mess of the last stanza which is composed of line 1 from stanza 1, line 2 from stanza 2, line 3 from stanza 3, line 4 from stanza 5 and line 5 from stanza five.
What I think would be a very interesting idea would be to write the last stanza first and have to work those lines into a garland cinquain so that we are working from something that makes perfect sense and having to play jigsaw puzzle with words. This would be so difficult but would put a whole new aspect to the garland cinquain which, I have heard, has been a bit overplayed but I ADORE working with them!
Thank you so much for sharing this with WDC and it has been a pleasure to read this wonderful piece of writing and to come back to your port for another visit. If you can do this well at 16 I truly look forward to watching you grow as a writer.
The Rev:
This is a review brought to you by the wonderful people at Showering Acts of Joy.
This was a wonderfully heartfelt piece regarding visiting a loved ones grave and how you can actually break apart just by being there but how you actually can come out feeling stronger as well.
This is done in a very nice free form style and I can feel the energy and emotion running through this piece.
The only issue I have with this piece is capitalization and punctuation. The first stanza, fourth through sixths lines, would probably read smoother if you had done it as such:
"fall apart beneath me, like
a mask that shatters to the ground,
shattering into a parody"
The different spacing helps to take the reader through this poem at a very more subdued pace which truly fits this piece.
Another space that I have noticed: Line 3 of stanza 3. You have used "by" when should be "By" as is the beginning of a new sentence.
Stanza four: Line four would read easier and with a better flow should you use:
"I'm still the hypocrite you knew that's faking I know where I belong, but I'm faking my direction. I'm faking with everyone. I'm out faking the best hypocrites of my class."
Notice where I placed the commas, makes much easier to read aloud.
Stanza five: same issue!
"Is your soul faded at all?
Tell me, has my soul
faded out with yours too?
What do you think now?
I have to leave and I've got to
put my mask back on."
This happens to be my favorite stanza in the whole poem. You have asked many questions of the one that is departed and you have also advised that you wonder if you lost part of yourself with the one you mourn. You then acknowledge that you have to put your mask back on to face the outside world. Well done!
Thank you for sharing this and after you make any corrections you deem necessary please advise me and I would be happy to re-rate and re-review for you.
This is a wonderful insight into the innocence of a small child while asking her grandfather "how things work and why" as all children have been known to do.
This give and take between grandfather and grandchild is well done and has brightened my day. You are able to feel the love between the two main players in this piece. It is as apparent as the fact that it is almost 100 degrees outside.
Thank you for sharing this and please continue to write and I shall continue to read.
You have managed to convey your connection with this ancient ash tree wonderfully through perfect ryhme and through a wonderfully thought out and perfectly told story.
You have shown the depth of your connection and your understanding of the natural order of things and have incorporated each stage of the trees life cycle into an amazing piece of writing.
My favorite part is :
"Despite a growth spurt, it has remained sickly,
with curled and spotted leaves year after year.
This spring, when new leaves emerged thickly,
one major branch remained leafless and austere"
The rhyme does not feel forced in anyway and I appreciate the fact that the spelling and grammar is top notch as well.
Hopefully your poor ash tree has survived all current and will survive all future storms.
The description for this one says it all. It is a very thought-provoking piece that you have shared with us here on WDC.
You have used wonderful rhyme to tell both sides of the story on this very controversial issue without claiming that one side is right and the other is wrong and with enough emotion and passion that it shows you can understand both sides of this very hot and emotional debate that rages in every class and every culture.
The grammar and spelling and punctuation of this piece I can not fault.
Congragulations on a wonderful write!
You have also managed to make the reader think where do you actually stand on the issue.
Thank you for writing and I shall continue to read!
You, through your port, keep introducing me to more types of poetry that I will have to sink my teeth into. THANK YOU FOR THAT!!
This one is amazing. I too have had the opportunity to go and travel to other countries and it was the best experience I have ever had. I grew up in a "vanilla town" as well and when I came back realized that my home town was the best place I ever lived in, my "chocolate-vanilla swirl town" where everyone knows your name and very few things ever change.
This form has been wonderfully written and you have used it to its full advantage.
I am glad I hit the "most actives reviewers page" in search of victims:)
Your port is turning tout to be a find. You have managed to use the prompt of "jealousy" in one of the most honest and truthful ways that I have seen done! Great job.
You have used this form, another that I will have to try, exceedingly well and have managed to convey a very powerful emotion using very few words.
My favorite part is the last two lines:
"Last glance I see her glare and realize,
Her jealousy's not veiled by slient jeer."
This truly capture the essence of jealousy and all its guises.
Thank you for the read and I'm still running rampant through your port!
This is very emotional and very much speaks to the times we still live in today. When will people ever learn that it is not what is on the outside, but within, that makes a person who they are. Not the color of their skin but the color of the blood that flows through every human beings veins.
I work in the public sector and I hear things spoken, like you must have heard, every day. It breaks my heart and tears at my soul.
You have used this form amazingly well and thank you so much for the explaination of it for now I shall have to try it.
Thank you so much for the read and I shall enjoy your port in more detail.
This is great. You have managed to fill an entire rhyme with most of the things that make humans fear and how we are all scared of "something". No matter who reads this, everyone will find something that makes them squirm, their own "bump in the night".
You start with one of the biggest fears, the black cat, and run all the way through the gauntlet of broken mirrors, the 13th floor, and all the way to the toxic sap of the Machineel tree (which by the way makes a wonderfully, wickedly delightful rhyme with feel).
My favorite part is the stanza where you bring the mirror into play, 7 years, mounting fears...
Thank you for sharing this and I shall enjoy my stay in your port.
In this piece you have managed to convey someones jealousy towards another and the hatred that the other feels towards the one that they are jealous of. You have managed to do so by keeping almost perfect pacing throughout a very long, narrative poem and filling your words with complete heartfelt emotion.
In the first stanza there is a lack of punctuation.
Try this:
"Overcast and dreary, through the mists of paranoia
that you summon with your spite,
your withered, tired hands seek me out.
To drain me of my will and satiate your vampiristic mind,
transmute the joyous rain into a desperate drought."
It helps to set the pace for the rest of the piece that follows.
My favorite actual lines in this piece:
"That threatens to break this camel's back...with her incessant I'm scorned attack
on you, on me, on honor, on ideals...what's more
To outsiders she's the seraph, and I the Devil's Whore."
You have consistantly shown in this piece what the other thinks of you and what you think of them. I just wonder what real life events triggered this!
Thank you for sharing this and I shall continue to meander through your port!
This is my new chant. My new motto (besides my family motto of course). When the world gets too much I will chant
"Levitate! Levitate!
Rise above the strife!"
Obviously that is my favorite line in this whole piece.
This has been very encouraging and uplifting as it was supposed to be and as was described in the subject line of this piece.
You have managed to bolster someones courage and their committment to what they realize is their true calling, true path, with just a few words. The way that you have presented this pulles the reader into your world and helps them to see the power behind the worlds.
You have managed to use rhyme to convey intense emotion and power and you have done so wonderfully well!
Thank you for sharing this with us here at WDC!!
I can not think of any way to improve upon this and it has made me hungry for more of your work.
This is a wonderful insight of a childhood where innocence is lost way too soon. I identified with this amazing piece more than you can understand.
The only thing that stopped this from being a 5.0 rating was the severe lack of punctuation in this piece. It would help a reader to follow along better and help to maintain the flow if you were to go and revise this adding in punctuation.
Try this:
"A little child,
so innocent and free.
Uninhibited by those fears
that plague me.
So trusting and naive,
always forgiving.
Seeing beauty in everyone and
everything.
Self-confidently taking on life.
Bold and daring.
Risking her all
to capture
a world.
What happend to that
child within me?"
I am going to go and read the companion pieces now and to rate and review. You have been warned...
Also another good idea would be to link these companion pieces together so that the read knows which order to read them in.
Thanks for the read and please continue to write!
Well earned awardicon by the way for you have surely touched mine!
This is a treat to read. You have managed to use the form exceptionally well and have kept to the form to a tee.
This has happened to everyone at one time or another. Just yesterday I was typing an email for an HOUR here on WDC and I got the "inactivity boot" and I guess WDC got hungry and ate the entire thing. I was so angry.
This day and age you could save it to either disc or flashdrive...either way the point has been proven, save it all before you lose it!
This is an absolutely wonderful piece that takes the reader through the entirety of a witches circle from the first stirrings of power to the invocation of the Lord in all things magic.
You have used rhyme to take the reader on a journey of magic, including the emotions that one feels when in circle.
Only suggestions.
Second stanza:
You use the line "is what the circle's all about".
How about "is what circle's all about" dropping usage of the word "the" keeps the cadence and the flow of the chant/rhyme a more in tune with the rest of the piece.
Also, last line of third stanza:
"Makes his presense seen"--presense should be spelled "presence".
Otherwise, well done and thank you for sharing!
Please continue to write and I will explore your port in greater detail!
Thank you for sharing with with us here on WDC. Thankfully I read the description that it was a "humorous ode" to the various goddesses because if you had been meaning to be serious with this one I would have actually been offended for the Goddesses mentioned herein.
You have done well with the rhyme in this piece and you hve certainly done your research when it comes to the Goddesses that you have mentioned.
The one stanza that stood out to me was the entire third stanza. I understand having to keep Kali locked until you can control your rage.
Only one technical point. Fourth stanza. You have used "to" back to back. Should be "but there aer too may to mention."
Other than that, job well done!
Please continue to write and I shall continue to read!
This is a heartfelt tribute the Goddess Kali in all her guises. I can feel the emotion running through this and with work it would make a great "tribute" piece to a goddess who has lately been neglected.
There are many problems here with your punctuation and one or two that I have noticed.
Try this for the first part: I can not call it a stanza because it seems to follow no form at all, not a single part broken for the other and it makes a reader feel as if you have to read the piece very quickly instead of being a dance where She is taking her time...
Down the steps
and through the doorway
there is a place forgotten.
Lost within the tangled memories of my soul.
Forbidden,
it sleeps within me.
I feel....
You have used "i" in many places where it should be an "I" and this line...
"as it ripples in tune to you're (SHOULD BE "YOUR") footsteps.
This line as well...
"Can you feel her? Is it fear?"
You have not used question marks or any type of punctuation except for at the end line. Punctuation is there for a reason. It helps to clear up a statement, break apart ideas, and generally serve as emphasis to a point you are trying to make. Or better yet to denote a QUESTION as opposed to a statement.
If you would like some help with this piece please feel free to email me and I would gladly assist as Kali is one of my main deities.
Thank you for writing and please work on this piece. I would dearly love to be able to re-rate and re-review.
Please continue to write and share with us here on WDC.
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