This one I actually like. Sometimes when you find Goddess poetry, much like all genres, you see the same thing being said in different ways. You have chosen to hit on a very important part of any witches life, the Wiccan Rede.. I love the abab rhyme scheme that you have used throughout the entire piece, never once losing the reader as you pull them along on your journey from speaking to the Maiden,incorporating the God aspect by being in Pans arms to finally ending up with the Mother and Crone.
You have managed to convey your emotions and thoughts towards the Goddess in each guise with clarity and dignity and given them the respect each of them are due.
You have also managed to use the Terza Rime form wonderfully.
This is a very nice, descriptive mostly rhyming poem about the Goddess Hecate and her guises,what it is She does for her followers and those that She holds near.
The first stanza follows aabb rhyme scheme and it works rather well to pull the reader in and show the emotion that you feel about your Goddess. You have chose to use exclimation points as all of your punctuation here and it works to emphasis how you feel about the Goddess but I do have a few suggestions.
First two lines:
"I call upon Goddess Hecate
To join me in my rite today!"
Try this throughout the poem. You end the first line with an ! when it doesn't feel like the first line is acutally completed until the second line is over. That would be the best place to have the exclimation point in my opinion. After an entire statement or after an entire thought. It would make the flow of this just a little bit stronger and help to emphasis your emotions better.
You have completely lost me in the last half of the final stanza from where you have "day, way, and day" then you have "safe, gone and One". The rhyming throughout this entire poem seems a bit forced even though the emotions are truly from the heart.
Re-vamp it and I will be more than happy to re-rate and re-review it.
Thanks for sharing.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hiya. I found this on the Review Request page and thought I'd give it a whirl.
This is a nice, quick read written in aabb rhyme scheme about asking what does a man actually do. Not just someone who pretends to be a man, be an adult, but someone who actually is adult enough to stand up for what they want and realize that people can not be judged just based on their outside looks. You clearly tell this in the last stanza of the poem in which you actually answer your own question of the title of this piece.
The rythym threw me off a bit while reading it allowed. It is difficult to be able to see exactly what it is that doesn't flow well but the 3rd line of the poem longer than the rest in that stanza and it throws the beat off.
How about trying this:
If a woman does desire a man
One who's destined by God's plan
What does she expect him to do?
Expect that he will catch the flu?
Other than that this is a nice, insightful and fun read.
Thank you for sharing this with us at WDC and hope to read more of your work soon.
First off: Wonderful choice for a title. You have a way with words.
This is exceptionally well written. You have managed to capture exactly what I was like at sixteen and exactly what I am like today. Nature holds such enchantment for me, such value. Being out in the wilderness, in the trees. Being where no one can find you and where you are safe. Finally being in your comfort zone where you can just relax. Darn girl; where you can just breathe! Sometimes that is all that a person needs. A safe, quiet place. Seclusion. Somewhere to just catch their breath and breath that much needed sigh of relief.
You have managed to make me feel the wind grasping blowing my hair away from my face as I walk into those deep dark woods here there is no one around to hear you scream, or better yet, to hear you cry.
Couple of suggestions. Take them for what they are worth or don't. This is your piece, your baby, your art. I am just here to help.
"When you wake up, the enchantment has lifted, and you're back. The wind is but a slight rustle in your hair - however there is a warmth in your heart. A yearning for others."
Try this:
"when you wake up the enchantment has lifted. You're back. The wind is but a slight rustle in your hair. Even better, there is warmth in your heart. You have a yearing for others."
Also the very last line:
"And they're in reaching distance this time."
Try this:
"And this time they're within reaching distance."
Just adds a bit more finality to the whole piece and goes into your underlying meaning in more detail.
Thank you for sharing. Welcome to WDC and please post more!
Robyn:
OK: For the obligatory intro: This review comes to you from the wonderful people at Showering Acts of Joy and special request of Pat(WarriorMom) and I feel honored to oblige her...
What full and wonderful lyrics to come from the mind and heart of a 16 year old. Just from this one piece I can see that you remind me of myself when I was just 16. Anger, pain, understanding and finally acceptance in each line.
If you do not mind I am going to play around with the placement of lines and put it as a private item in my folder with you having the key to show you what can be done here on WDC and how placement of words and letters helps the flow along in a way that most people can never understand or even being to imagine.
I do have quite a few corrections for this piece of art in progress and will put them in with the version that I do private in my port. Mostly it is to do with punctuation and spacing but if I were to do them right here and now it would make what is already a very long review turn into a novel and I think, though I do not know you personally, that you probably learn better from "show" rather than just tell...just like I do. It is one thing to "tell" you in a review what you are doing incorrectly (not necessairly WRONG), what could be improved upon.
So as I said..I will play with spacing, if you do not mind. It is your work and my suggestions are only that, suggestions...and before you accept it I suggest you do your research and check out my port and see if my style suits you. Especially check out my lyrics folder (all written when I was your age) and see if this is what you are going for.
There are a few things that I will adress right now though:
You write:
"But it's all because of you that you are like this, alone in the park."
Personally I think this line would have more of of a punch, more of an angsty feel if you substituted "park" with "dark". Read this aloud and you will see what I mean.
"But it's all because of you that you are like this, alone in the DARK."
Being alone in the dark brings up feelings of lonliness and wondering if what you did was actually correct and shows you are by yourself and helpless in a way. Park just does not sit quiet right in what it seems like you are trying to achieve here.
One more before I close out:
"But then again maybe not, because I've seen all your true colors now, and that world which you pulled me into is smashed in front of your face, you can't find away through: all because of me."
"You can't find a way {c:plum) a way (should be two words..one is not being there, one is making your way) through: ; (use a semi colon here instead of a colon and it breathes easier and flows better ."
Other than that you have gotten heart felt emotions and pain out onto the screen wonderfully and I would LOVE to see your port expand. I am impressed with this, the first piece of yours that I have read and am hungry to watch you grow as a writer.
Thank you for sharing, hope you are enjoying your "Shower" and WELCOME TO WDC We are SO HAPPY to have you!
It is very rare that a short piece gets the highest rating from me. Normally there is not enough to actually review but there is here. You have used imagery so well in this short piece and have made the reader feel the touch of the fingers on the piano, hear the poetess reading their words over the music and this has just given me the feeling of overall awe that you have conveyed so much in so little.
I will freely admit that I had to google the form as you offer no explaination and it was not listed on the on site poetry form forum/page that I have in my favorites folder. From the description of the form you have followed it beautifully, the syllable count perfection and your grammar/spelling/punctuation all in check.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us here on WDC!
This was exceptionally well written with just right amount of twisted humor and seriousness thrown in. I want to come in and throttle that husband, really I do. He should be taken out to pasture and shot dead as a door knob. When I saw a friends review on this I had to read it and I am so glad that I did.
You have taken a serious subject and TRULY turned it into something that is worthy of the title "Tall Tale". A modern day tall tale. I haven't read one of these in a very long time.
Now I wonder how much this tall tale will stretch..you know what happens when you play telephone with a story....
Thank you for sharing and I shall hit your port in greater detail!
Dear Thing:
This is brought to you by Showering Acts of Joy. Please enjoy your shower!
This was a very well done attempt to bring humour to what was a very bad situation. It is true that FEMA did nothing to help, that they did not do what was needed nor what was expected!
This was extremely well written with not a spelling, grammar error in sight. You pull the reader along at a bouncy pace and make them want to read through the entire piece to find out exactly what punch line you are going to use to end it.
My favorite part of this is as follows:
"Don't count on FEMA for your meal
Better to beg, borrow, even steal"
Riots abounded after Katrina and some people were stealing anything and everything that they could get their hands on. I was not in Louisiana for Katrina but I have family that were and even last year when I was in N.O. you can still see the aftermath of this devestating natural disaster.
Well done.
Please continue to write and I shall continue in your port.
I love it when someone I have nominated has a find in their port, a diamond. This one certainly is. This is about a very hard subject to handle with grace and tact and you have done just that. Wonderful emotion and the poem at the beginning sent chills down my spine and made tears well up in my eyes.
In each stanza you have the same lines, just reversed from one stance to the next. This adds a powerful punch to the entire poem. This one hit me like a sucker punch to the stomach because I have seen exactly what bullying, of every variety, can do. It can tear a school, neighborhood, hell even an office environment apart. No one really knows the true cost until it is too late.
The second stanza makes you sit up and pay attention and wonder what happened and what the final outcome of the situation will be. This was well done and all of this was so perfectly written!
When the reader reaches the last stanza of the poem...I had to sit back and catch my breath. You have done this exquisitely well and handled it with the care and the tact that it deserves.
Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this stark reminder of reality with us here at WDC.
Hope you are enjoying your Shower so far!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This one is dynamite and classic. I have wanted to cast my lazy muse out like unwanted relatives so many times but have been afraid to because what is She doesn't come back. This is what always worries me. It is bad enough when She decides to run off by herself to the tavern and leave me where I can't write. It gets annoying.
My favorite two lines of this while piece:
"Please God I just
want to write."
I have felt this so many times. I have been there and just been hoping and praying for inspiration. The times that I have had complete writers block and gone completely blank have been the worst times in my entire life.
Secondly:
"Lazy muse I cast you out,
in the name of Poe,
Shakespeare, Rita Mae,
Suzy Hinton,"
This line is very cleverly done. You have mentioned all time classics here and kudos for doing so. The classic authours are the ones that are being forgotten lately and they are the ones who set the pace and broke the mold. Everyone tries to be the next Poe and no one can.
Thank you for sharing and I shall continue to read!
This is being brought to you by the kind people at Showering Acts of Joy.
This is a great free verse (I think) poem that takes the reader through rush hour traffic and through the trials of somebody that is running late for work. I have had this experience before, as has everyone, and I know exactly how frustrating this can be.
Towards the middle of the poem I was wondering where exactly you were going to go with it.
My favorite line was towards the middle:
"Who goes
the speed limit
in the slow lane anyways?"
This gave me giggles because we have all know people who do exactly that and make us run later and get more frustrated!
The ending surprised me and it was great to have that happen. Heartburn being the least of your worries eh? Yeah...it certainly would.
Thank you for sharing and I will continue to read (have to since I recommended you for the shower anyways LOL:))
BTW: Pat..not using the sig as this does double duty for my review a thon(this affilating is a GREAT IDEA SM:))
This is the first time that I have hit your port and I am not disappointed that I have done so. You write with such clarity and pull the reader in from the first word til the very end.
This story has all sorts of different things going for it. Number one: You have hit a subject that can be taken way too seriously with just the right mixture of seriousness and humour thrown in to make it a wonderfully fun and enjoyable read.
Prime example:
"The lights around the store would sometimes flicker off and then back on. One evening Jewel stood watching them as they did their little dance. It's almost like someone is standing at the breaker box flipping one breaker after another. Shaking her head over the anomaly, she went back to work."
This entire section of the story caused me to grin and then break out in giggles. I can only imagine a ghost having nothing better to do than to just stand at a breaker box and flip the swtiches one by one to try to scare some poor 3rd shifter witless. I am a third shifter myself. At a restaurant but there have been times that I have seriously thought that the place was haunted!
As a firm believer in all things magical and mystical I appreciate this wonderfully well written and fantastical (or maybe more realistic) tale that you have decided to share with us here at WDC.
Thank you for sharing and I shall continue to raid your port. Five for this contest here sure...but afterwards..You have just earned a spot in my favorites folder!!
Riot:
This is doing double duty. You are on the review board for Showering Acts of Joy and since I nominated you( I am such a GOOD FRIEND;)) I am doing this review MOSTLY on behalf of them. It just so happens to count towards my amount for the review a thon as well.
This story is very well written and the title just drew me in. Not actually the title itself but the description that you have used. I read this story very, very slowly looking for any and all typos that you might have purposely hidden away. When I got to the final line I was blown away! Now, this is a wonderful unintentional intentionally done typo and shows exactly why you need to not only use spell check but use your better judgement and common sense!
I had to read the story TWICE because of the fact I was reading it so slowly. The first time I almost missed the intentional slip of the fingers.
You used this prompt really well and truly ran with it.
Kudos.
Please keep writing and I shall continue to read!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This is as cool as a summer breeze. This is well and wonderfully written and helps to explain hyperbole to those that do not understand or to those that might just need a little bit of a refresher course in this wonderful literary device. I thought that doing another review would kill me but I am glad that do not mean literally.
This is wonderfully rhymed, whimsical and very funny in places as well.
This is my favorite line in the entire piece:
"I say I’m so hungry that I'd eat a horse,
But chances are good there won’t be a mane course."
This line is just downright clever!
Thank you for sharing and I will raid your port in more detail!
I see why this has the ribbon that graces it....it truly is a piece of "Making me laugh Poetry". I laughed until I came apart at the seams!
This almost got a five. This has made me feel such emotion. Such joy at the memories of one of the bank robbers. His thoughts and his pure and passionate love for the new girl in class that was not based on hormonal needs or wicked desires but the pure and outstanding love of a child who sees a kindred and recognizes her based on a smile. Isn't it amazing what a single glance will do. How a single smile can change everything in the world for the one not only receiving it but also for the one giving it.
Before I get into the actual review here is why this did NOT receive a five star rating.
In this line, towards the TAIL END of the story you wrote:
"The bank door opened abruptly and Roscoe lumbered out. He walked pass the men and the girl without as much as a glance. In the middle of the street, he set his gun down and then, a short distance away, lay face-down and placed his hands behind his head."
The only issue that I found in the WHOLE STORY is the word PASS being used instead of PAST. One is to hand off to someone else or to excel at(pass). The other is in regards to movement(past). You have used them incorrectly. Go back and fix this and I will be more than happy to re-review and re-rate if you would so wish me to.
This has made me smile longingly at the memories of one of the bank robbers, feel sorrow for the innocents caught up in this oh so foolish game and cry at the image of the little girl holding her happy meal toy and sharing a smile. You have done such a wonderful job with this and telling it in only 2000 words takes guts. I can only IMAGINE the amount of re-writes this has taken. Please fix this slight issue because I would oh so love to give this one a truly deserved ribbon....
I am not sure how I do it but I seem to have a knack for finding pieces that make me cry. This one certainly did. I know how it feels to want to be with someone and to have to live without them for one reason or another and you have done an amazing job of taking these hard emotions and putting them on paper and then on screen and having the reader feel everything that you go are going through as you write.
My favorite part of this work is the entire second stanza. We all have people that we can only remember in dreams, people that have broken our heart and our spirits once upon a time and this one stanza evokes that image wonderfully.
This is wonderfully written and quite a find. I shall have to raid your port in more detail.
This is yet another review brought to you by the wonderful people at Showering Acts of Joy. Please enjoy the shower:)
Now, onto the review....
This one was a very interesting and entertaining piece, heartfelt and written with a very bouncy and energetic flow that just carried the reader along with a smile on their faces.
I laughed out loud when I got to this part: "Now don't go away
And don't jump to conclusion
This isn't about religion,
That is just the illusion."
Many people completely close out the window or back out of the poem/story/etc when they realize it is about religion. Not everything that is about how other people should treat one another is about religion but some people do not take the time out to actually read a piece before they jump to a conclusion.
Only thing that I saw about this part was a way I would word it slightly differently..but this is up to you. I am only making a suggestion. "Now don't go away,
don't jump to a conclusion.
This isn't about religion.
That is just an illusion."
Very slight possibility for a change but it is your work, I can only offer suggestions.
This is a very sweet poem about how to make another day, about how the simplest things in the world mean the most...
Thank you for sharing this with the WDC community...
Please continue to write and I shall continue to meander through your port!
Dear WhoMe!:
This is a review brought to you by the wonderful people at Showering Acts of Joy. Hopefully your water temperature is just right and you are throughly enjoying your shower.
Now that my intro is completed, onto the review:
This is a well written piece, wonderful rhyme scheme and it carries the reader throughout the entirety of the peace with a slow yet methodical pace. The imagery that you have used creates very vivid pictures in the minds eye of the reader.
My favorite lines that you have used are as follows:
"For secrets here are kept.
Skeletons in closets lay;
And things under rugs swept.
Visit not this cell of torture;
Come not bearing gifts.
Look here not to spread sunshine;
Nor spirits here to lift."
I understand this very well. Everyone has skeletons in their closets, things that they would surely rather not have anyone else discover. Most of my writings are about this very thing, secrets that people wish to keep hidden, spirits not being lifted because my mind is, as you have so creatively worded, "broken" and my thoughts are mine. I shall share them in time, if you are deemed worthy.
Thank you for sharing with us here on WDC this little glimpse into your mind. I shall enjoy meandering through your port in greater detail when I have the time.
King:
This is such a beautiful and heartfelt piece, wonderfully written as is usual with your work and I have not found a single grammatical error in this deeply moving short story which you have crafted.
Everyone has had this type of experience. Something treasured disappears, never to be seen again and all that you wish to do is rant and rave but when the event transpires, the person disappears, usually all that you can do is whisper softly a heartfelt and longing goodbye for what you had and what you could have had and what will never be again.
My favorite part of this piece:
"Then as the Moon slipped below the horizon, I simply stared at the spot where it once had been. What right did I have to command the Moon to hold its position by our side? The Moon is a celestial object far greater than I, a mere man, would ever be. What right does a man have to command something so great and so beautiful?"--
Actually I enjoyed the whole piece, having felt that I have had to say my own Farewells to Luna and this had tears in my eyes because of the passion with which it was poured out onto the page for us mere mortals to gaze upon. I love the questions that you ask in this stanza and how you have answered yourself in the same stanza and the stanzas to come-- yes, the moon is a celestial object that us mere mortals will never understand-- and this could be used for many different parts of life..
Thank you so much for sharing this glorious piece with us.
I am meandering through your port more and am enjoying what I have found....
King:
For someone who claims to not be a poet you have done wonderfully with this piece of work. The cadence that you have used sets the entire tone of this wonderful piece and carries the reader along at a wonderfully subdued pace. The rhyme scheme that you have used is perfect for this piece as packs a very emotional punch and makes the reader understand the severity of what you are writing about.
I have known people like this, growing up in a small town in Georgia and living all over. There have been many a time growing up that the only reason my family was able to eat was because of my Grannies garden and the woods surrounding it...living off of the land as God intended for us to do. Anyone who has had to live off of the land, have family farms that have been taken away, or grew up in the South where farmland is holier than Jesus would understand this wonderfully well written poem that you have here. This is a wonderful piece and thank you so much for sharing this with us at the WDC community:)
This review is brought to you by the saintly souls at Sunday Saints, hoping to spread joy and love through the WDC community.
This one is excellent. Wonderfully written, plot extraordinary and had me laughing out loud when the policeman was speaking to Old Ms. Skinner the teacher. Thank you for the disclaimer on the description about the misspellings but I for one did not need it due to the fact that I have known many a character that talks like dat, sometimes I does it too...very rarely and usually to prove a point which you have done in this short story brilliantly.
To be honest with you I laughed like a mad woman through this entire wonderfully crafted story where you have truly managed to pull the reader directly into your world and into the chain of events.
My favorite part of this piece:
The entire scenario with Officer Clinton and Miss Skinner, how he does not believe that she can add anything to the description of the missing robber, how he thinks that she will be of no use because of her "aging eyes and ears" and yet she manages to give vital information. Not going into any more detail as do not wish to ruin it for any other readers that you might wind up having for this story, one I suggest that everyone read!
Thank you for sharing this with us and I will continue my meander through your port as this has turned out to be completely enjoyable!
Thank you again and as always, continue to write and I shall continue to read.
Rixfarmgirl:
I found your port through the 55 worder hall of fame and decided to read more of your work and I am totally pleased with what I have found so far.
I am Cherokee and Blackfoot in heritage, including Irish and Scottish as well, and this lovely poem has truly hit home to me. I have just lost a very cherished family member and this is what I needed to be reminded of, that everything has its season, happens in its own time and for a reason and that death is a natural part of life, even when it seems to have happened way too soon for us to like.
My favorite part of this wonderfully written and intriguing piece:
"“Mother Earth is where life begins
Seasons roll round and round and round
Full moons leave and come back again
After death we return to ground"
I have found everything that you have written about in this piece to be true, and this part more than others. Mother Earth is where life begins and most people seem to forget that one simple fact, that without Mother Earth and the creatures that She provides for on the planet we have nothing, we are nothing. We are all connected to our four legged family and to each other and most people seem to forget that and when I see that I am saddened.
Thank you so much for sharing this wonderful and heart felt piece which was perfectly written and pulled the reader into the world that you have created so vividly.
Again, thank you and I shall continue to meander through your port in more detail.
Shannon:
Yet another review from the lovely people at Helping Hearts.
This piece is very powerful, very emotional, very heartfelt and oh so wonderfully written. Again, as with all of your work I have yet to be able to find a single flaw, be it a single misspelling or problem with grammar or punctuation, nothing at all to be found which is wonderfully refreshing.
Now to the actual review part:)
This piece is wonderfully written and I applaud the fact that you have chosen to handle it from the young girls point of view, the victim. Her thoughts, her fears, her emotions, her memories.
My favorite part of this well written piece:
"Jen!" he yelled, causing her to jump. She knew what he wanted. It was what he always wanted. She grabbed three bottles from the fridge and placed them on the coffee table in front of him. She always brought him beers in threes. Four was too many--the last one always got warm before he had time to drink it. Three was just right, and it minimized the amount of time she had to be near him"
Every part of this was perfectly composed and drew the reader in at a pace that would not let them go, but I have chosen this part as it hits close to home. Something from my growing up years was brought back to the surface when I read this and I can truly emphasize with our heroine here about how she wants to spend as little time with this other person as possible...
Needless to say that I emphasize with this story line a little too well and that is one of the reasons for the perfect score as it truly touched me and brought back memories and made me think, and is that not what writing is supposed to do...
Yet again another fine piece and thank you so much for sharing:)
Hello Shannon:
I am here at your port once again for another round of Helping Hearts reviews. I hope that they have been joyous and helpful to you in your path of writing:)
This one is very interesting as is not the style that I have normally read of yours but nonetheless I did completely enjoy it as usual with your work. And as usual I find this to be perfectly written with not a grammatical error in sight.
My favorite part of this piece here:
"You whisper softly, my love, and I surrender completely until there is nothing left but you."
I love how you have said that you surrender completely which is what being with someone thoroughly is, it is a surrender of yourself onto another, a giving of yourself that is more than what it seems. But it is one that does not lessen you in any way but causes you to be greater than you were, that adds to you instead of detracts and you have shown this wonderfully.
Thank you for sharing this wonderful piece of work and,like the rest of your items that I have read, this was a joy to read:)
Hello again LdyPhoenix:
Yet another part of your Shower from Showering Acts of Joy and I do hope that you are enjoying the shower so far.
This one is very interesting. Not sure what form you used and I do not know much about the contest that you entered this in but it gets your point across in a very loud and very clear voice.
This subject touches home to me just a little too closely and was hard for me to read but I thought that I would go ahead and share with you what it made me feel.
The quotes that you used in this (I can only assume are from the article) cut to the bone and shine light on this horrible issue that happens way more often than people would like to admit. This is one of the biggest problems in society-- it does not normally happen from strangers but normally from someone you know on at least a casual level and you have shown this perfectly.
"Protection is against the fear of an unsuspecting stranger,
Only to have the violation come from one we once called our own."
This line shines light on the problem perfectly and brilliantly and I applaud you for taking the time and the effort to deal with such a hard subject matter in such a heart felt and straight forward way!!
Thank you yet again for sharing and please continue to write because I will certainly continue to read....
maybe one day I will feel secure enough to share my story in written form....maybe...
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/red_wolfe09/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.24 seconds at 1:14am on May 23, 2024 via server web2.
| (4.0)
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
