I understand this so well. Luckily I do know my father but did not know him until I was five and then did not see him again until I was thirteen. I understand the feeling of loneliness and loss that you had rushing through yourself at a young age when you would see your friends with both of their parents to love them. The ending of this is exceptionally told, where the circle has come right around and now you have your own son to love and, who I am sure, has two amazingly loving parents.
This is told perfectly in the syllabic rhyme scheme that you set out to use, showing just how you can embed emotion and sorry and hope while still staying in scheme!
Thank you so much for sharing this,it truly deserves the ribbon it proudly wears!
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Pepper:
My God yes! This is laugh out loud funny and something that EVERYONE on WDC can relate to. How many people have we begged to join us, become a stronger member of our family and just...realized they can not WRITE? I have had a few friends join because of me and I would go into their port and just wonder...oh no what HAVE I done? This person could not write their way out of a wet paper bag with a an old fashioned quill pen that is sharp on the tip!
Thank you for sharing something that happens in all of our lives on a day to day basis and showing that yes, it is ok to be HONEST because that is what the person wants in the first place!
Another perfect example of writing structure, grammar, spelling and of adding just the right amount of "feeling" to draw someone in. I had to read this because of the fact that my little brother used to play the "kissy monster" game as well so I understand this perfectly. It is truly apparent how much your monster loves his mommy! Thanks for sharing this, it was a great break from some of the other more emotional pieces in your port!
Oh my word. I see exactly why this won first place. Being Irish myself (with a bit of Native American and Scottish thrown in for good measure) I had to read this when I saw your blurb about it. And I am not disappointed in the slightest. This quirky,quick jaunt is a very fun read and very well written, as I have noticed about both of the pieces I have read so far. This goes to show the old adage is true about things not being exactly what they seem. It also shows that good deeds are never forgotten. If the receiver is not able to pay the giver back themselves a way will always be found to give thanks.
I lived in England for almost five years and it was wonderful to read something this refreshing using true colloquialisms. You truly have a way with words and you also have a knack for different types of writing. I wish my middle school teacher had been as amazing a writer and as fun as you are!
Thank you for letting me pillage your port, and believe me I am far from finished!
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Oldwarrior:
I am proud and honored to come to you with a Member to Member Rising Star Review!
This is perfectly written in aabb rhyme scheme and this brings up so much emotion and had me in tears, as your work normally does. This brings up such deep seeded memories of Father and the first time going out to sea with him.
The third stanza is my favorite and, to me, the most powerful. In this you have incorporated sailor terminology into your rhyme and given it that "true memory feel". Also you have added in a special nickname given from Father. In this line you need a space between which and the word I. You have it written as "whichI". I always notice the little things.
The emotion and love that is put into this piece is amazing. I know Father would be proud to see this wonderful piece of writing. You have managed to capture a sing-song feel to this piece that keeps the reader going from word one through to the suprising and heart wrenching conclusion.
One other thing that I noticed: I think in line four of the last stanza you are missing a comma.
"his ship was washed among the rocks his body never found"
I think it should read:
"his ship was washed among the rocks,his body never found"
Thank you so much for the read and good luck with the contest!
Thanks for the review:) Returning the favor and it has been a pleasure!
3am. 3pm. This one hits home no matter what time the incident took place. There are few things that can actually freak me out and make me squeal. One of the main things just happens to be a cockroach in the wrong place at the wrong time. Waking up to something tickling your cheek can be a good thing, but not when that thing has four legs and is smaller than say, a hamster or puppy dog.
this is so funny because it is so dang true and it also has a wonderful flowy cadence to it that had me hooked and made me wish it were longer. Maybe you could describe what kind of destruction he is scurrying towards. Is it your foot, a pet?
Thanks for the rhyme and the read and for the kind comments in your review. Yes, it is nice to know when someone gives a rats tail about your writing, especially when you sometimes feel like giving up the ghost!
Thanks again for sharing and job well done. I am surely going to hit your port in more detail!
Wyn:
Another review by the kind people at Showering Acts of Joy.
Another five star rating. Why? Because this one made me cry. This is what I say to myself constantly. I have about 6 stories on the back burner, not even on WDC. Have one that wants to turn into a novella but I am not sure that I can write it. Why? because I have no confidence in my own abilities. Others tell me I can write but then, when push comes to shove and I see all these other talented writers, I want to hang my head in shame. How dare I call myself a writer? How dare I even call myself a poet?
I have been hitting cinquains lately, but garlands instead of the normal ones. Cinquains feel too short to actually express my feelings and emotions. I have also started to enter story contests because I am being told that I have to stretch my writing muscle. *Sigh* When did writing get so hard? Supposed to be fun and something we do for pleasure. I've lately been told to try to get published but don't see my work as good enough.
This one really got into my head as you can see. This made me want to kickstart myself into high gear and made me realize that I really need to have more faith in myself. Others do. Why can't I?
Wonderfully written and truly heartfelt.
Thank you for the share and please continue to write so I have more to read!
This is a review from the kind people at Showering Acts of Joy.
This is amazing and automatically made me think of Laurell K. Hamiltons Meredith Gentry series, about fairies living in plain sight in the human world. I know that the fae here in your story poem, the sidhe (pronounced she for anyone not aware) are hidden creatures but even these that I mention hide as well and have their own dwellings.
Wonderfully told in aabb rhyme scheme this has an almost lyrical quality to it, as if one could sing it, accompanied by a panflute while you sit there with a pint o' guinness in your hand.
This is very sound advice for anyone thinking of trying to anger the sprites or the fae in any way. Do not anger them for they will get their revenge in the end. When you least expect it and in a way you will never imagine.
My favorite part of this:
The last rhyming couplet. This sets this piece off perfectly and reminds those of us that know about the legends of Old. You don't upset the fae for the same reason you don't upset Dragons. Dragons though, they will eat you. The fae are just that much sneakier.
Thank you for this glorious read and please continue to write on as I invade your port in more detail!
Another handle that caused my muse to peek. I guess She is in a dadrk spot today...
This piece is very well written and very easy to understand for anyone who has gone through similar experiences or has a similar "dark streak" within themselves.
Told in wonderful aabb rhyme scheme you have taken the reader on a journey from beginning to end, where you wonder if you can cast the dark shadows out that seem to follow you whereever you may go. They are always around and they are clamboring for your attetntion. You have also included how you have managed to do more than most, cast them out so that they no longer hold any sway on you.
This feels just a little but stilted though, almost as if you were uncertain on what the next line should actually be. The rhyme does not seem forced though, it just seems like you had more that you wanted to say about the shadows themselves. I may be reading too much into this but suffice it to say that I could see myself writing a very similar piece about shadow and inner demons.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us at WDC and please keep on writing and I will continue to read more of your work!
Again, this review is brought to you by the wonderful people at Showering Acts of Joy.
Again, a five star rating. This is beautiful. This is a very powerful piecee on how prayers do not save the world, only actions and deeds can stop us from following the path of destruction. It is all in how we interact with each other and how we treat other people and ourselves. We can pray all we want, every single hour of every single day, but if we DO NOT do the work there is nothing that we can do to make it any better. No "higher power" will come and make everything ok, we have to work at it ourselves. We have to try to make injustices better, not just expect them to go away on their own. We have to stop seeing color, stop seeing gender, disabilites, age. We have to stop seeing race and start seeing people as just people. We all bleed the same color. We all have the same hopes, dreams and fears. We all have to work together to make this a better world, not just for ourselves but for each other. (In case you can not tell this got me on a bit of a rant.)
This is perfectly written, the cadence with which you tell your dream superb. This sent goose bumps up and down my spine and made my hair stand on end and I feel honored to read such a piece.
Only thing: You might want to change the spelling in your description. An angle does not pray....an angel, now She might.
Again, thank you so much for sharing this and well done!!
This review is brought to you by the wonderful people at Showering Acts of Joy. Please take a moment to make sure the water temperature is just right.
This is amazing. Coming from the mind of a gentleman, you have managed to capture the innocence and heartstopping wonder of a five year old girl with her first love, Fred, her teddy bear.
This is told in wonderful rhyme and brings the reader tears of laughter and joy and reminds us that things are sometimes that simple and innocent.
You have incorporated Fred into every part of this little girls life. By doing so you have reminded me of a stuffed puppy I lost long ago, named Cuddles, who I used to carry around everywhere I went.
Thank you so much for the reminder of what we have all lost and what we can find again, this surely deserves the ribbon that graces it.
Please continue to write and I will surely continue to read more of your work.
Once again, thank you so much for the reminder of what love and happiness truly is, through the eyes of innocence.
Wow. I am reveiwing this with my mouth hanging open down to my knees. It is not often that someone, let another rhymer, has me speechless...thankfully my fingers still work because I can hardly breathe.
You have told the sad story of a young lady through her downfall through absolutely PERECT monorhyme and none of it feels forced in the slightest. You have made me feel such emotion and terror for this young girlchild, made me angry at the men who have abused her so, disgust at the fact that she allowed herself to be used so and finally bitter acceptance of the fate that she is letting herself live.
You have managed to pull up amazing imagery and, through the use of well placed and perfect rhyme, make me feel like I am a part of this world. I can see the canteens, see the ravine where she has been pulled to, smell and taste the dirt of the men that have abused her so. I can feel the scratchiness of the old gray mans beard and hear the rough voice of the "wolverine".
This is a wonderful piece and now I am itching to explore more of your port.
Thank you so much for sharing and this has been a Rising Star to Rising Star review!
**By the way** Great port on your bioblock....George is a dear friend!:)
This is another review brought to you by the wonderful people at Showering Acts of Joy.
Another perfect piece, one that had me laughing throughout this time. Where did you get ahold of my picture is what I am wondering?
This is told in perfect couplet rhyming and takes the reader through a journey of what you need to get your courage up to speak to the "beauty living in the dell".
It is nice to find a piece of writing that tells a story in perfect rhyme that you can actually almost sing aloud when you read it.
Not only that, but you have used wonderful imagery to bring up the "lovely Irish lass" in the minds eye of the reader. Describing her hair like fire in the grass and emerald green eyes, this is a classic that I will never forget reading and has just, along with "Wounded Knee" earned you a place in my favorite authors list.
The ending is topnotch and none of your rhyming seems forced in the slightest. A big parade with wedding bells seems just the ticket after you have found the courage you needed to speak to and get to know your Irish Lass.
Oldwarrior:
This review is brought to you by the kind people at Showering Acts of Joy. Hope you are enjoying your shower.
This is perfect. Absolutely beautiful and poignant in its message and wonderfully told in aabb rhyme scheme, this portrays a message that everyone needs to read. Different cultures need to stop being harassed just because they are not the "norm". Mankind needs to have acceptance and understanding for peoples beliefs and way of life. No one is wrong in the way that they live, just merely different from what others are used to.
I am part Cherokee and Blackfoot so this hit home to me more than anyone else can imagine. I was in tears almost throughout this piece and this certain couplet struck home.
"No more spirits in the sky, no totems whisper near,
For even the sacred animals, have run away in fear."
You have written a masterpiece that is heartwrenching and breathtaking in its beauty and simplicity and I feel honored to have read it.
Thank you so much for sharing and please continue to write and I am looking forward to going through your port in more detail.
First off: Welcome to WDC. Here you will find an amazing community of people who will offer comfort, support and help with your writing. It is not just a writing website to help you grow as a writer but also a family to help you when you are feeling blue.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I know exactly how this feels. I did not know my father until I was five years old and did not spend anytime with him until I was about 12 or 13 so I understand this piece more than most would.
The only critque I can offer is the fact that you use "year" when I think you meant it to be "years", the plural sense of the word.
Thank you for the reminder that things do change but we never forget what made us into the strong people that we are today.
Please keep writing and I will surely meander through your port in more detail.
Thank you so much for sharing this and again, WELCOME TO WDC!
Welcome to WDC. Nice to see that you are already touching people with your writing.
This piece is laugh out loud funny. I was on the phone with a good friend of mine Olivia K.Homecoming when I came across this and had to read it out loud to her in a singsongy voice and she broke out into hysterics with me when I did so.
You have told this in PEREFCT rhyme and meter and it was such a joy to read outloud!
This is so true to life. Every homemaker deals with the roaming sock. Normally just one of the pair goes missing and it is a struggle to find it. When I was a kid it was my job to keep up with socks for six members of the family. We had a gigantic laundry basket and I had to match socks once a week for everyone. I swear, we had more stragglers then we did pairs.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us and please, oh please, continue to write as I will be exploring your port in more detail later!
Thank you so much for sharing this with the community but I must admit that, to me, it makes not a lick of sense! I write with metaphorical imagery and I can not figure out the images that you want the reader to perceive.
This has no punctuation to speak of which hinders the readers ability to understand your point and you have used Son (which is a persons offspring) where you meant to use SUN which is the big life giving ball in the sky.
Please explain this to me so that, if necessary, I can re-rate and re-review. I would be more than willing to.
Remember this is just my opinion and if you make changes that YOU deem necessary PLEASE let me know.
Welcome To our lovely virtual home of WDC. Hopefully you will find this experience as uplifting and encouraging as I have and it will help you to grow as a writer.
This is heart breaking and completely understandable to someone who has felt the same way that you explain in this wonderful freeverse poem.
I don't read or rate a lot of freeverse because I don't really understand it but after reading this I might try my hand at more. You can completely explore your emotions and have no form or rhyme or rhythm to your pieces and yet have it touch a persons heart and soul.
The only issue with this is that you probably meant for fait to be spelt as fate. Everything else, the spelling and your pacing is top notch.
Thank you for sharing this and again WELCOME TO WDC!
First off, welcome to our wonderful community at WDC. Here you will find the tools to better writing, honest people to help you hone your skills and hopefully some dear friends as well.
This is heart wrenching and well written. The reader can feel the anguish that the family goes through after losing one so dear to them and can feel the pain and confusion of the girl who lost her life.
Try spacing the paragraphs out just a bit more because the way you have them now forces the reader to read through this at a very fast pace and it would be better suited for a slower, more methodical read if at all possible.
Thank you again for sharing and again WELCOME TO WDC. Please continue to write and I shall continue to read!
Cat:
First off...thank you for sharing this. I have tears in my eyes right now that I just can not get rid of. These are running down my face. I have watched family members die of cancer and the answer is always yes. Yes, you are still beautiful. Cancer may be able to take the physical away but it can never take away the beautfy of who a person is inside. It can never take away the way we feel when they smile at us. The memories...those beautiful memories...
First line:
You need to seperate the words hand and shakes...it should read:
"Her hand shakes as it weakly graps the tube of lipstick..."
Try to space this out a bit. Try having two or three spaces between paragraphs. It will make it a bit easier on the reader to read and will be done so at a more leisurely pace. This is almost perfect the way it is but if you do decide to make any corrections on it please feel free to advise me because I would love to re-rate and re-review.
Thank you so much for sharing and WECLOME TO WDC. If your other work is anything like this I think I have found a new entry to my favorite authors list!
Welcome to WDC and thank you for sharing this with us.
I am not completely sure if this was supposed to be a comical look at someones mental breakdown or if this was supposed to be serious. You have managed to wonderfully incorporate both aspects into one well rhymed and completely wonderfully written piece of literature.
My favorite lines are in stanza four where the businessman really starts to break down. Parrots plotting in their bird cages huh? This is where he really starts to go paranoid and I must admit that I started to laugh out loud at this particular stanza and by the time I was finished with the last line I was spitting out my drink because of the image of the guy sitting in a padded cell with a kinda sad and twisted smile upon his face.
Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this at WDC and I hope you find what you need to make yourself a better writer and hopefully you meet decent people and please feel free to check out my port (portfolio) and if you find something you like please let me know!
Welcome to WDC. I hope you find what you are looking for within this community of other writers who try to help each other grow and succeed.
This has the potential to be a great piece of writing but the grammar and punctuation throws it off for the reader. The lack of punctuation makes it feel stifled and a bit difficult to understand. An example here is in the repeating refrain/chorus/what have you:
"We are dancing shadows of the dead light
we are dancing dreams don't worry we dont bite"
Try this:
We are dancing shadows of the dead light.
We are dancing dreams. Don't worry, we don't bite."
Each time you have this phrase change it to the above and read it outloud and see if it makes sense to you.
IF you wish to have help making corrections please feel free to let me know. I will be very happy to re-rate and re-review this piece when you have made any corrections you deem necessary.
You have drawn up some vivid images of ghosts taunting the living with their knowledge.
Thank you for sharing this with us and please continue to write and WELCOME TO WDC!
Number one, welcome to WDC. I am sure you will have an amazing time here. You will get to know other writers, read their works and hopefully they can help you grow as a writer.
This is an amazing piece. It is so true to life and something that I see on a daily basis. I always say that it doesn't cost a person anything to give a smile to another and this proves the point perfectly. You never know whos day you may be making just by giving a simple smile to another as you pass them during the day.
Thank you for this reminder and please continue to write and I shall continue to read more of your work!
Thank you for sharing this with us. Everyone can understand how it feels to have to bottle something up and not be able to share it, either due to protecting someone that may be innocent or protecting yourself. We have all felt this way at one point or another.
Thank you for the reminder that you need to let it all out or you will explode. I certainly get to feeling this way sometimes.
Welcome to WDC and WELL DONE with this piece. This was wonderfully written, very in your face and very true to life.
Ancient women did conquer men with their flesh and their wit, their beauty and charm. Those are the most dangerous weapons in a femme fatales arsenal and the one that most men do not have any
hope of not succumbing to. A strong and powerful woman is all that is needed to make a typical man go weak at the knees and agree to anything that she wishes. A woman who knows how the play the game can get anything she wishes with just the crook of her little finger or a wink or a smile, from either sex.
My favorite line is in the end of the second paragraph. Asking for a simple plate, just a plate. But it must have John the Baptist's head on it.
This is what I mean...ancient women could send men to war with just the bat of their eyelashes!
Thank you for sharing this with us and I would love to see this expanded upon!
Again, welcome to WDC and I hope you have a wonderful time here!
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