*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/retrowriter/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
Review Requests: OFF
154 Public Reviews Given
154 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 -2- 3 ... Next
26
26
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Great humorous poem. I loved it. My only suggestion is the 2nd line, 1st stanza. The way it's worded it sounds like you're describing a class that you don't fear rather than an insect that you don't fear. It's an easy fix: Bring to class an insect that you don't fear.
27
27
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like that you keep the reader in suspense not knowing where the narrator is or what kind of job it is or why her blouse is damp. That's good story telling. Keep the reader guessing and she'll keep reading.
You indicate that the story is an exercise in "Show, Don't Tell." (S,DT) I hate to tell you, but the piece is more tell than show. For instance, in the 1st paragraph you tell the reader what happpened. To show, you should describe. i.e. "The door slammed shut with a bang. Ruby spun around and reached for the door knob. The lock clicked before she reached it. Ruby laughed outloud." In each sentence you need to show the action, not tell the reader what the action is. S,DT is difficult at first, but once you grasp it, it's easy and as you practice it becomes second nature.
28
28
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Your writing is improving already, Les; this one flows well with just a few interruptions. I can see a difference.
I do enjoy the stories, but I can't imagine a 300 lb snake. 97lb you would be just a snack. :) When is your next story coming up?

Grampa D
29
29
Review of Coyote  
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I like the idea of using a coyote as a metaphor instead of a "Lone Wolf" for a lawman who has been ostracized and shunned by his own kind and is now on his own. It's original and clever.
A prologue is supposed to set up the plot and give background info relative to the story. This prologue was entertaining and informative, but too lengthy and too informative. Of course I'm assuming the story is about how Rankin is recruited by his former "pack" to return and use his formidable skills to catch a killer they cannot, and how he does it.
You did a fantastic job of describing coyote habits and your ranch and the house, but consider this: When you go to a play, you go to see the action, not the props.
Frankly the best part of the prologue were the final two lines. They got my attention and now I want to read the rest of it. Those two lines were a great hook.
30
30
Review of "Gasp!"  
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
It has to be difficult to go from the 5W's style of news writing to writing short stories. There's a world of difference from flatly describing news events to bringing them alive and making them dramatic. It's a little tough to learn, but a helluva lot of fun once you get into it.
You did a pretty good job of telling this story. You set the scene, introduced the characters. (Gwen and the Gator) told the reader a little about them, and described the scene.
The first paragraph, however, was confusing. You need to begin with a subject and then expand it. For instance, the subject wasn't the area, or the sunlight, or an overly crowded city, or Goose Creek. It was "one of those perfect days." After you've described a perfect day, then you go to the next subject and start a new paragraph. Now you describe Goose Creek and/or talk about all of the alligators and such. Then go into your job. See what I'm saying? Make the story flow smoothly. A good story has a beginning, a middle, and an end and each should flow into the other.
Keep on writing. You're not going to get it perfect overnight.
31
31
Review of Not Sleeping  
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like it! I like the voice even though I found it a bit mocking. I like the meter especially; even though the piece is about death, it bounces like a knee keeping time. I like most of the lines except I don't care for the verb in the last line of the 2nd stanza. It stops me dead, no pun intended, and makes me ponder "bury below," is it redundant?
Love your work, Captain. KOW
32
32
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi Jesca, you have the beginning of a good story here, but, as you're probably already aware, it needs some polishing.
In the 1st paragraph: Who's Menon? After reading the whole story, I assume Menon is Melissa's nickname. Am I correct? If so, you must make it clear to the reader right away so the reader can identify the speakers and keep up with the story. If not, tell the reader who Menon is and what her role is.
The 2nd sentence was confusing and had too much information. Confusing because I couldn't tell who was wearing the expression, Menon, or the shoe rack, and I don't know what an "unsuitable tint rouge" is and how it looks on the face as an expression. Too much information because readers don't care about the shoe rack, what it looks like, or what it's made of, unless it's important to the story. The reader just wants to know what Menon is doing.
The second part, after Bertha replies, is the place where you should "hook" the reader. To hook her, fore-tell something about the plot that will excite or interest the reader to keep her reading. "...crying over her loss, the inevitable future." is an excellent hook. It piques the reader's curiosity, it makes her want to reader on, but you must build the story around that hook. Think about this: what is the inevitable future? Isn't the future, by its nature, inevitable? It is, of course, until you die, then your future ceases to exist. Is that why Bertha cried? I point this out because a writer needs to think about what she's writing and know what her words mean.
2nd Paragraph: Think about the 1st sentence. "Bertha Pete and Melissa Pete were the most mischievious twins of Hafeltown, born on 6 August 1985, the two sisters were their parent's lucky charm." What does this say? That many mischievous twins were born in Hafeltown on 6 August, 1985, and that Bertha and Melissa were the most mischievous of them all? Remember that children aren't born mischievous (they become so later in life) and, for practice, I suggest that you reconstruct that sentence until it makes sense. Hint: the last part of the sentence should be a sentence on its own.
That's enough for now. Please don't take my criticism personally. I have a soft spot for young writers. I want them to succeed so I'm often a little tough on them.
33
33
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I'm not sure how to review this piece, Anton. The first paragraph was an interesting start, but it made me expect an essay on ants. The title was interesting; however I can't figure how it associates with the plot.
The story flowed well. You created suspense well which kept me reading, but the ending Ieft me scratching my head. The ultimate aim of writing is to convey the writer's message or idea clearly. Clarify the role of the ants and the significance of the title and why the horde is attacking the village, then you'll have a story. Keep writing, practice makes perfect.
34
34
Review of Wilgar's Dilemma  
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
LOL I love the irony in how you describe Wilgar as a man's man, a warrior and a conquerer, a big strapping bull of a man who is ruled by his wife with an ironwood stick. I chuckle as I write this. Good job.
I think it might have added to the irony if Herta were petite and had an iron will to go with her ironwood stick.
35
35
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
My first thought after reading the beginning paragraph was, this has way, way too much description, and not enough information. The descriptions were clear and painted a good picture, but there was too much detail that added little and didn't pique my interest. In the second paragraph I found out for the first time she was examing her new home and an invisible, large, flat, dead oval surrounded it like an "oversize" crop circle. I had to stop to picture that. Too much information this time and not enough description, but maybe a glimmer of curiosity now. Finally, at the end of the fourth paragraph I found out what she was doing in that house.
That should be enough to give you an idea where I'm going. Your opening needs drama and suspense. Something that'll grab the reader's interest and make her want to keep reading.
Perhaps if you started the story with a dramatic account of what drove Joven and her mother to that house and then pick it up where this account begins, but please, spare your reader so many details.
Remember, this is my opinion and my opinion and $2.50 will get you a Latte at your favorite coffee shop. Take my review as you wish. I truly want to help. Nothing I say is meant to be disparaging or cast doubts on your writing ability. We're all here to improve our skill. I hope I help. Keep on writing.
36
36
Review of The 350 Runner  
Review by Grampa D
Rated: E | (4.0)
Shay, in your review request you appeared to be concerned about your writing style. You asked if it was unique. As an old scribe dating from my first writing attempt in the early fifties, I must tell you not to worry about your style. Style happens. It just happens. It's not something that you study for or practice, it just happens like your very first breath of air. As you write your style will develop naturally. You, nor anyone else, will be able to recognize your style until you have written many pieces.
Don't try to cultivate a style; just let it happen. You may emulate your favorite authors and even write as they do, but don't try to copy their style. People will recognize it and judge your creativity and originality. Your own uniqueness as a person will determine your unique style. You cannot force it.
I love Robert Ludlum's adventure books. I own and have read everyone he wrote. When he passed away a few years ago, he was in the middle of writing a new book. His daughter and a ghost writer finished it. I could tell exactly, to the page, where he left off and the other writers began. Mainly I could tell by his way of describing and setting up scenes, and the words he used. It was a number of things, but they were all uniquely Robert Ludlum and always will be. It was his brain that produced those books and nobody can ever restore his brain.
Sorry about the long winded reply. I got wrapped up in it as I often do when I write. I hope it helps.
37
37
Review by Grampa D
Rated: E | (4.0)
This piece is a good opening for a mystery You've described the setting well and interjected not one mystery, but two; (1) the girl, where she is, what she's doing there, and (2) who the person tied up on the floor is and why that person is in that dilemma. It sounds like a fun story to write and play with.
On your writing, I think you have a natural sense for the dramatic; that's very cool. You use the five senses well, and you do not tend to overwrite which is rare among young writers. I think you choose your verbs and nouns well, but adjectives and adverbs? Definitely work on getting rid of as many as you can.
Concerning the first sentence; how was the scent of lavender over powering and why did you reference it? It never came up again. However, if you're using the scent of lavender as a fore-tell and it will come up later in the story, that's very good. Take that adverb "sluggishly" out and put salt on it. "Briefly noticed" is redundant. You don't need "briefly." Read this sentence again: "The hallway was large and dimly lit torches cast shadows on the floor." It's a bit misleading. Was the hallway large and dimly lit, or were the dimly lit torches casting shadows...? The simple cure is a period after "lit." Then begin a new sentence with torches. "She thought nervously." Omit the adverb "nervously" and try to describe how a nervous person looks. (Perhaps like this, ...she thought, glancing back over her shoulder.) Now do the same with "rapidly, hesitatingly, (slowly, do you even need this adverb?) audibly, and anxiously.
You have some talent. Keep writing and don't ever allow constructive criticism to rattle your cage. Remember this: If your writing were perfect, you'd be on the best sellers' list.
38
38
Review of Member Survey  
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
I think an "Are you satisfied or dissatisfied with WDC?" question should be included along with space to explain.
39
39
Review of April's Story  
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This story hit me at a personal level; I was an abused child, except I was mentally abused. I don't know which is worse, physical or mental abuse. At least I'm alive, emotionally scarred, but still alive.
You did a terrific job of building up suspense about April's condition, but one thing. You gave her death away in the 1st sentence when you said, "...my best friend WAS April. You could say, "My name is Morgan. This story is about my best friend, April." Another thing, You thought it was weird when April was wearing long sleeves and pants, and you were wearing shorts and a tank-top. That's not especially weird. It would have been weird if EVERYONE ELSE was wearing summer clothing and only April was wearing long sleeves and pants. Picky, picky, but little details like that can influence the writer's credibility.
Good write, Meg. KOW (Keep On Writing.)
40
40
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Your subject, bullying, has been written about so many times it has almost become trite, but the subject can never become trite nor hackneyed because it's too important. The more written about it, the more it will remain out there, right in front, and that's where it should be.
Your thesis, that it must be stopped or prevented, is almost hackneyed. That shouldn't be. Most people know and believe it, but most people are busy and few take the time or spend the energy to call hot-lines or look up web sites. The subject needs fresh, creative ideas on how to stop or prevent bullying.
The suggestions you present are accurate and can be helpful, but I think your essay lacked the emotional fire this subject should be written with. Good job otherwise, Collegeguy. I hope to see more from you. Stay with it.
41
41
Review of Pluto’s Rock  
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I like the way the story began showing Jymile's thoughts while he practiced his pool shots. Great technique. His thoughts effectively set up the story and gave us a good glimpse into his deepest character while his actions showed his personality. You dramatized the story well and made it sound both possible and plausible. I enjoyed your imaginative descriptions of how different equipment worked. Wonderful job.
I found a number of spelling, grammar, and punctuation glitches so I didn't give the story a perfect score, but I enjoyed it very much.
42
42
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I like it that you asked for reviews "to help you improve your writing." That's honest and humble and a good attitude for a beginning writer. I like your opening paragraph. The 1st sentence is great, but you need to know that "allow me to tell..." designates you as the narrator which puts the story into the 1st person point of view. (POV) You should familiarize yourself with different POV's.
In the second sentence, omit the 1st word, "it" and see if it doesn't sound better to your ear. "...right and left" is a hackneyed phrase used in place of many, or a lot, or...? Perhaps something like "...and witch trials were commonplace."
You have a great plot and you set it up well, but the visits to Mrs. Parris's house need to be described in detail. Find out about "Show, don't tell." (S,DT)
You have a lot more to learn than those two techniques, but work on them until you feel comfortable using each one. I saw just one spelling error (eave/ease) which could've been a typo. Pay attention to spelling and punctuation and grammar. They're the mechanics of writing and nothing speaks more negatively about an author than misspellings, bad grammar, and sloppy punctuation.
43
43
Review by Grampa D
Rated: E | (4.5)
I have to wonder why Harry Truman was included in this poll. He was the best of all included. eyond that I think the choices are appropriate and I'm not at all surprised by the results.
44
44
Review of The Dreamer  
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Paradoxical, I'm in my mid-seventies, been writing for well over fifty years, been published, won awards, yadda, yadda, yadda. I'm not bragging, just saying that when I review or critique, I may sound like I talk down to the writer. For instance I often use the term, "younger writers." Please don't take offense. I am also honest and straight forward. I tell it as I see it, but I try to encourage and point out strong points. Please don't take offense at my criticisms; they are meant to be constructive, not negative and not petty.
The story flows well. Each sentence picks up where the 1st left off. (Many young writers get distracted from the subject and wander around.) You start new paragraphs when the subject changes. Sentence structure is generally acceptable as is grammar, so your mechanics are excellent. But let me get to what bothers me the most. Like practically all young writers, you don't yet trust nouns and verbs to do their job, so you resort to dramatic adjectives and overwritten phrases which result in wordiness. For instance, you used the entire 1st paragraph to say the sun was hot and the audience was uncomfortable when two short sentences would have sufficed. i.e. "The hot/sweltry/sultry (select one) sun beat down on the audience. Mr. Baxter's students gathered around him begging for the ice cream he had promised." You painted a dismal picture of a crowd trying to enjoy a show at a waterpark. IMO the tone should've been more upbeat. You made it sound too miserable.
Such overblown phrases as "unfaltering ferocity, seething rabble, baying relentlessly, battle weary," etc., are distracting and wearisome and take away from the flow. The reader has to stop to ponder and get the picture in his mind's eye. Yank those suckers out and toss 'em.
After the 1st paragraph, I enjoyed the story. I found it to be entertaining and interesting. You write well, but please don't overwrite or overstate, Stay away from adjectives and adverbs; stick with nouns and verbs.
I loved the story and I hope to read more soon.
45
45
Review of Ode To Grandpa  
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Being a Great Grampa (Grampa is how my granddaughter pronounced it.) I enjoyed the poem. I felt your loss. My condolences. I'm sure he was a "great" Grandpa. I could tell how much you love him and miss him.
Good job of portraying your emotions and showing what a great guy he was.
Keep writing, you do well.

Grampa D
46
46
Review of A Best Friend  
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi TigerLilly,
This is a charming little story. I like it when kids make good friends instead of bullying and teasing and I liked it that Natalie and Nancy each wrote a small fairy tale. You did a good job of describing Natalie with brown hair and green eyes. Next time you might describe the other character and tell the readers how she's dressed. Readers like to be able to picture the character they're reading about.
I wrote another story that you may like. It's about a little bird that actually flies underwater. Please read it and tell me what you think. It's worth 150 GPs.
Good job on "A Best Friend." Keep writing.

Grampa D
47
47
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Unratable.)
It's difficult to come up with an original plot for a western, or at least a plot that hasn't already been beat to death. Westerns seem to have gone the way of the hard-bitten detective stories like Mike Hammer, but that doesn't mean you can't come up with something original. Broke Back Mountain isn't exactly cowboys and indians, but you have to admit, it's original. This story, in my opinion, is not. Why not a western where a mild-mannered bookish man arrives in town and gets bullied until he's had enough, then surprises the entire town with his speed and accuracy with some kind of weapon other than a six-gun. The Rifleman from TV? Or perhaps a teen-age girl who is too petite to wield a six-gun, but has spent time in the Orient and knows Karate or Ju-Jitsu or a similiar martial art and becomes the town sheriff.
See? I already thought of two original plots and my imagination sucks. You can do it if I can.
48
48
Review of Eulogy  
Review by Grampa D
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
You've set the plot up well and introduced the main characters as a prologue should; however it took me a bit to deduce that Vileen was the narrator. I think it would've been clearer if you had introduced Vileen by beginning the paragraph with the 3rd sentence. Instead of "She" use her name. Then put the two beginning sentences at the end of the paragraph. Other than that it was a good prologue. You might scan through it and look for verbs that could be improved. For instance "skittered" means to skip over water. Is that what you meant? Flickered would've been better than "wavered with the rhythm of the flames." Well turned phrase though.
Keep writing and keep plugging away. No piece of writing is ever perfect.
49
49
Review by Grampa D
Rated: E | (4.5)
I wish I had your imagination, TigerLilly. It would improve my writing to no end. I loved this little piece. I hope you study the art of writing and keep at it. I saw no spelling errors so your home schooling must be working well. I like how you allow your thoughts to flow from your mind into the story. One suggestion, you might read up on how to dramatize a story. I think with your imagination that you'll have fun learning how.
50
50
for entry "Prologue" 
Review by Grampa D
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
The proloogue does its job exactly as it's supposed to. It sets the basis for the story and creates interest. The only question I have is about the reporter's question, "was anybody going to believe him?" It seems he had the proof on tape in the camera. Otherwise the prologue was great.
55 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 3 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/retrowriter/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2