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Hello, RedGraves

I thought this was a pretty good science-fiction read. Although it was short, I enjoyed this snippet.

Before I get into the rest, I want to point out some grammatical things:
...Mars itself, and many lives were lost, but in the end... - I think listing this makes the sentence seem more grammatically sound, without changing the meaning or context of the sentence.
No more orders from Earth, no more losing their own precious resources to that ravenous behemoth planet, but just total and utter freedom. - Although this seems somewhat narrative, I think it can do without the but.
...and their own hard work[,] however they wanted. - It seems like this sentence is somewhat incomplete, beginning with able the way it does, but I think this is what you're going for. In any case, I think the comma placed here helps clarify the sentence a little more.
They owned themselves[;] they weren't... - This could end either with a period or semi-colon. Given the context though, and style, I thought it might be a good exercise of the dreaded semi-colon.
...instead of [a or the] company appointed...
It was amazing[.] It really was. - This could also go either way with a period or comma, but I felt that the narration leading up to this point was similar to shorter sentences, so this change would fit in well.
That was the turning point[.] It became...
...and for a while it was all a stalemate.
...to Earth for anyone [who] wanted it... - Use who or whom to refer to people, and that or which to refer to non-humans.
...could no longer observe[,] unless sent the.... - Introductory or dependent clauses need to be separated by a comma.
...uploaded Virtual Humans [that/which] wish to embody... - The same as before, except reversed. Now we're talking about non-humans.
You have quite a bit of negative sentences, although I think that can be forgiven since this seems more like narrative. Negative sentences contain words like no, nobody, and never. There weren't very many passive verbs though, which I think helped considerably.

Truthfully, the ending didn't really surprise me. If anything, I felt as though this was a narrative rather than a letter. I did find the irony to be deliciously well thought out, though. It seems as though fate seems to always have that sort of cruel irony, doesn't it?

I'm not sure if you wrote this for a contest or not, or where it plays into things, as far as being in a larger story. As it is, I do feel it's a worthy short read, however, I think it might do better justice on the "twisted" end of things if it were embellished on more.

You only need a little bit of touch up grammatically. If you work on this a bit more, I'd be happy to re-read it again. Good job!

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Hello, rachel-k

This poem encompasses mixed emotions for me, the reader. At first I thought, this is really lovely. As I read on though, I realized that you had pulled a fast one on me; the poem is a mix of jealousy and obsession. On a second read through, I feel that this is masterfully done.

I thought the mild repetition in most of the beginning lines may be distracting. Truthfully, I think they are, but in a good way. I enjoy poems that really make the reader think. For this reader, it really did.

Thank you for sharing!

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Hello, D. J. Harrington

I think you did a lovely job with this free-verse. Not all poetry is meant to be condensed into a form. My only thought is, that since it's free-verse, to follow consistency in punctuation and capitalization.

For example, you end the second line in the first stanza with a period, but the opening capitalization on the next line is lower case. I think if you were to go through with the rest of your poem and make these adjustments, it would look much more professional.

My favorite part about your poem is the way you integrate three questions. Will it ever be me? Is it a joke? Should I be content? These all make the reader relate to your poem.

Good work!

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Riot

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Heyas, Jeff

I think this a great tribute to the last ten years. Even though you discussed politics a little, I think you did so in a non-confrontational and non-aggressive manner.

Reading what you wrote gave a nice insight to the type of person who are were and who you are. I think the ending line you have is perfect. Bravo.

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Hello, Kathleen

This really made me laugh out loud! At first I wasn't sure where you were going with it, but that's my fault for not reading the teaser!

I really enjoyed the casual commentary, and the humor. The pictures at the end were especially adorable and laugh-out-loud hysterical.

Thank you for sharing this with us!

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Hello, Sum1

I love the question you ask in the teaser. Not only is it somewhat philosophical, but it does its job in 'teasing' the reader to read what your poem could possibly mean.

I only have two suggestions that I can think of, as far as punctuation goes:
...their lives acting, but then again[,] maybe not
On the street[,] the father Mime had died...
The reason I suggest these commas, is because it appears you've gone to great lengths to put proper punctuation placement within your poem, with the exception of the ending lines.

I think you did a good job on your rhymes, too, although I do think that scene/seen is somewhat of a reach considering the other rhyming words you provide.

I really enjoy the way your stanzas are set up to purposefully separate the story in pieces. While this may seem like a given, it feels as though you've given extra care to telling your story through the stanzas and poem. The first stanza nicely sets the stage, while the following build up to this tragic, heart-breaking end.

Bravo!

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Hello, Keaton Foster: Know My Hell!

Honestly, I'm not sure what to say about this. I spotted a couple of very minor things, but as you pointed out in the teaser, it's prose. Since prose is so closely related to dialog, and is usually self reflection, please take the suggestions lightly.

Some minor technical things:
I do not intend to live...
          live in, live without, live among, live for, live off...
suck filled day
          suck-filled
I was born into this[.] [F]ate...
Before I die, before all of the remaining life in me expires[,] a simple childhood memory fills my mind[.]
In an instant, I see myself being defined.
Certainly[,] a few...
If you're going to define hell as a place, rather than a mere metaphor, I would capitalize it. This is just personal preference, although it does seem typical in writing to follow this minor guideline.
Moments away from death, the rest of my body has begun to betray the remaining life within me. I think this is powerful, moving, and great. Not the message, mind you, just the way you've worded this heart breaking feeling.

I found this to be sad, and even somewhat tragic. It's always a shame when people feel this way. It doesn't appear that this is a personal experience, although, even writing it must take a certain mindset. I sincerely hope this isn't a reflection on recent events.

Keep up the good work!

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Hello, piewhackett1

I think this poem shows a lot of true patriotism and does so with enthusiasm. It seems to be made up of a series of couplets, and the rhymes, although not perfect, do the job well. What I enjoyed best was the message behind the words, expressed with your words. (Decipher that! )

The punctuation with the ending lines is consistently ended with periods. With some of the lines, I think this is a practical end, but with others I wonder if a semicolon may work better, or even a comma. Rightfully so, I feel that you've neglected punctuation within the lines, in some parts.

My favorite stanza was the first. It gives a good opening to the poem, but also seems more personal and directive.


Keep up the great work!

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Riot

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Hello xavier

I thought this poem was very deep and even somewhat philosophical. The language presented was very good and engrossing. As I read through this, there was only some minor things I spotted. In stanza three, you write legs did not moved on - to me this seemed awkward and doesn't match the language with the rest of the poem. The imagery was really excellent: flowers' trumpets his heart subdued/remained gutsy/like daturas, his eyes had closed too

Thank you for sharing this with us! Keep up the good work.

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Riot

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Hello very thankful

I really liked the fantasy folklore feel of this, and I agree with your genre choice for categorizing it the way you have. I also like the title of the poem and the way it was placed in the first and last stanzas. I think, though, that having faerie repeat in the second stanza as well might be a little too much.

Although I didn't spot it until the end, naturally, it seems as though you ended every line with a period. The only exception is the second to last line. While I don't feel like the sentences were misplaced, I question putting periods in excess if the entire poem follows this same pattern. Just something I noticed.

Thank you for sharing this with us!

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Riot

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Hello Harry

I like the overall "mood" of this poem and its flow. It begs philosophical questions, which in my book is never a bad thing. The opening line how the modern dog does hate the cat was awesome placement. I also like the phrase Africa gives clues to what this means.

I don't typically correct punctuation in poetry. However, I did feel as though there were a couple of very minor things in your poem that nagged at me a little. So, feel free to take these or leave these.

yield combat, / New meetings To me, it felt as though a semicolon would work best here. I say this because the two discussed lines are being compared and are closely related in your story.
In the first line of the third stanza, I feel as though your quotations are not needed. I think you did a fine job at setting up the preface to this stanza.
I like how the second stanza is a refrain from the rest of the flow. However, the second line in this short stanza feels cut off, too short. Perhaps this was your intent, but it did cause me re-read it a few times.
Lastly, in intrusions in their feastings cause fights sounded really beautiful, but without the s on feasting(s). This is another personal preference, but I think with the way you have the story set up it might work out pretty well. What do you think?

Overall, I enjoyed this read. Thank you for sharing it with us!

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Hi there, Cowgirl Cat

I thought this poem was cleverly written. However, I have to be honest when I say... I feel that this "spin" is somewhat overdone. I can definitely see this as a personality; it does have voice. I think, maybe, it was just too much over-the-top.

As I said before, it is clever. You got my attention though and I look forward to reading more of your work. Keep writin'

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Hello Cassandra Gracie

I think that this poem has a lot of potential. With a bit of work, I think you could really transform this.

What I like best about your poem is the topic at hand and how you've executed your thoughts. There were a few mechanical errors that I think you should take a look at, though, so that the readability of it can be improved.

Poetry is highly subjective, however, I think there are a few things that you can change that you'll likely hear from several reviewers.
Keep an eye out on punctuation. I don't necessarily mean the end of each line, though I do think that might be beneficial, too.
          Even if you never correct capitalization at the beginning of each line, I would recommend capitalizing at least all of the i's.
I think you have pretty good flow, but there were a couple of places where I felt like the stanza ended all of a sudden.
          Stanza Four seems out of place. At first I thought that maybe three to four didn't transition smoothly, but then I realized that four to five also seem that way.
          Do you feel this is essential to what you are saying?

Thank you for sharing this poem with us today. I think you have a lot of potential, so don't let anything said in reviews discourage you. Keep writing!

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Hello David Gere

I think that the subject you wrote about has a lot of merits as far as topic of choice is concerned. While there were not many "grammatical" errors, I felt some of the word choice was constructed awkwardly. Given the content matter and concept, this could have been intentionally done, however, there were some areas I "stumbled" through.

I think the sentences that I have difficulty with concerning the flow of the story are those that mix adjectives and nouns in one motion. For instance: Closing his eyes, he covered his ears... For me, I prefer sticking with one or the other. He closed his eyes and covered his ears... or Closing his eyes and covering his ears... Again, this is purely my personal preference.

Overall though, this was really quite heartbreaking. All too many people are unaware of autism and the true hardships that come with it, especially among children. I think for a piece of flash fiction you did a pretty good job!

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PS: If my review is wonky, I apologize. There's a rogue space of doom haunting me at the moment in my ML.

Riot

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Hello Jezri

I think this poem is, indeed, as the genres depict: emotional, religious, and inspirational. I say inspirational not because it cries out in angst, but because of the narrator's yearning for forgiving, completely and wholly.

Although not all of the stanzas followed the same flow and meter, I thought that it started off strong and stayed consistent in its message. The only thing that I saw, concerning room for improvement, was that I felt there was several unnecessary words. I say this lightly, as poetry is subjective and personal. It could be, too, that the extra words were added to help with meter.

I never used to focus much on "wordiness" in poetry until recently. I've found through reading and writing more often that sometimes less is more. This has nothing to do with the length of the poem, either, rather the words within each line.

For example: Deep in my soul, where I hide all my hurt,/is a painful old wound, swept under the dirt. could be something like: Within my soul, hidden in hurt,/painful old wounds, swept under the dirt. This is just one example, though, that I took off the top of my head.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this! Thank you for sharing it.

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PS: Apologies if my template is wonky. I'm working on it.

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Hello ~WhoMe???~

Poetry is definitely one of those kinds of writing that expresses the inner emotions. I'm pleased to see that despite possible embarrassment, you've labeled this as "self help" within the item's genres.

What I liked about your poem is it's imagery, but I think I like what the imagery resembles even better. On one hand, there is a lot of beautiful, natural feeling imagery, while on the other hand there is the darkening silence within.

The last stanza really called out to me. On the first read through, I think it was the triple R beginning lines, but at closer examination I think I just relate to it best.

Overall, I thought this poem was a great read. Simply inspirational!

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