Hello T.J.
I read this yesterday when you submitted, as I pointed out in our previous emails, and I read it again recently while writing this review.
I think this story is pretty cute. Although it does have a similar sound and feel to other stories with morals like this, I enjoyed it none-the-less for what it was. I felt like there was a lot of imagery within and that it would make for a good children's bed-time story.
Technical Suggestions:
With the coming of snow, foraging is difficult for all the resident species, so along with bird feeders, we set up a ground feeder for rabbits, squirrels, deer, and who ever else decides to stop by for a meal. -- I'd take a peek at this and rewrite it. It would probably be best to break it down into more sentences, as it's quite a run-on right now. Perhaps something like: With the coming of snow, foraging is difficult for all the resident species. So, along with bird feeders, we set up a ground feeder for rabbits, squirrels, deer, and [whoever] else decides to stop by for a meal.
The only rule is, `If it's within reach, it's fair game`. -- You may want to consider: The only rule is: If it's within reach, it's fair game.
The feeder was freshly filled and the locals were stopping by to indulge. -- There should be a comma after and because the rest of the sentence after it is able to be a sentence unto itself.
Perhaps there's a lesson here for all of us[,] -- Same here.
He spied the jay, mere feet above, on a branch trying to free the last peanut from it's shell. -- Here, it's is simply its.
The jay launched from it's perch, tucked it's wings, and plummeted into a dive an eagle would envy., ...vanishing within it's dense foliage..., and ...joined it's mate... -- Same here.
Inches above the frozen earth, it unfurled blue wings and rocketed after it's fleeing prey, a blue streak across a white background.
Almost, but not quite. -- Since you don't have many other incomplete sentences, you might want to consider fleshing this one out a bit.
With a zig and a zag[,]
The squirrel definitely out witted the bluejay and earned the prized peanut[,] [but], at what price?
At the least, he was wearing a partially bald fur coat.
All this suffering for a puny peanut? -- This is incomplete and informal. Depending on what you're going for, you could rephrase this a little bit for a stronger finish.
Was it worth it to expel this much when it should be conserving to survive the winter? -- The usage of worth here is redundant since you've used it in the sentence prior, however I think if you were to add one more sentence in this manner it would complete the repetition for parallel's sake. If you don't, I would consider using a synonym in place of the second one.
[However], when we look in the mirror...
My favorite part was the progression of the bird shelling the nut while the squirrel patiently waited for his fortunes. I was able to easily visualize it, and I could almost hear the squirrel cackling as it scampered off.
Overall, I rate this a four of of five because I felt it was well done but has room for improvement on the technical side of things. I'm happy to have read it, and I look forward to reading more of your work. Great job!
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