Hello Fairport. For this round in "Invalid Item"  , I will be serving as Guest Judge. I don't want to waste any time, so let's get down to the story. I would like to tell you, before I start, not to take whatever I mention personal and feel open minded. So here we go!! :)
 First Impression
The Lesson is a creative and unique piece with a voice of it’s own. I feel the story is very original and stylish. You have used many descriptions to enhance this piece and your vocabulary is very wide.
Characters
Almost all your characters are vivid and loud in this story.
Patrick’s character stands out and shines out by itself. He is very believable ‒ just like he’s standing next to me right now.
Michael’s character is a little too simple. You did not describe him enough, so I could not imagine what he is like. He may not be the “main character”, but I feel he has to be described more so the reader “knows” him, too.
Sister Margaret, the head of the school, is utterly fierce. I like her character. I believe during the olden times, many people were like this.
The plot of this piece is good. In a way, it is (like I said) creative and intrigues and nabs the reader’s interest of the story. The plot of the Lesson has been well-planned and runs smoothly till the end.
Plot/Setting
The plot of this piece is good. In a way, it is (like I said) creative and intrigues and nabs the reader’s interest of the story. The plot of the Lesson has been well-planned and runs smoothly till the end.
Technical
“Give it back” Patrick whispered, as he tried to keep one eye looking out for Sister Ann. “Too bad” Michael immediately responded, as he sported a defiant grin. After each close inverted comma, a “comma” (,) is needed. Let’s say you remove the inverted commas, and it would go like this: Give it back Patrick whispered. You need a comma to separate the sentence. There are still many mistakes around, so keep watch.
The brisk air penetrated Patrick’s blue uniform shirt, causing a shiver to rippled over his skin.
“Rippled” should be in present tense: “ripple”.
Final Thoughts & Suggestions
Final Thoughts and Suggestions:
Although this story is well-done, I believe you can still polish this up and make it better. Here are a few suggestions:
From what he had heard, they were very good at making it hurt.
Here, you have repeated a bunch of words from the last few sentences. For example (take the last sentence) At that moment, the only thing that he knew for sure was that it was going to hurt. The rest were still fine, but the repitition of the word “hurt” is slightly over the edge. It cuts of the smoothness and connection of the paragraph, or maybe even the story. Maybe you could have said, “From what he had heard, they were very good at injuring people”, or “From what he had heard, they were very good creating numerous injuries.” These are just examples to improve on the sentence, really, and to create a better atmosphere for the reader itself.
WwwicK!! This really weakens your sentence. Part of the most important basics are the strengths of your sentences. The stronger, the better. You could probably use, “WICK!” to strengthen the sentence. Remember, usage of too many exclamation marks can make the reader disinterested in your story. Sad, because that way, the reader won’t be able to enjoy the story you’ve written! :)
Air pushed out of his lungs in short, strong bursts making a sound similar to a slow moving locomotive. I find that air being “pushed” out of the lungs is just wrong. Push isn’t the most accurate word for this kind of sentence usage.
I think The Lesson is a very good piece, but there are (as mentioned earlier) ways to improve the story. Anyway, well done!
Good luck in the contest. Results will be announced by July 2, 2009.
IMPORTANT!! Remember, the contest says you can still edit the story if BEFORE the deadline. I hope my reviews have helped you.
All the best of luck,
Sarah
|
|
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Totally, this was a good way to describe things!
Don't forget to drop by my new forum "