*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sideon
Review Requests: ON
21 Public Reviews Given
141 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by D Barnhart
Rated: E | (4.0)
over all I liked this story


conspiracy theory bods
I would change that to
conspiracy theorist
as it has better flow

any time-traveller who
to
any time-traveler who
spelling

my great great great grandparents
my great-great-great-grandparents


Sophie Briggs was my great great grandmother
Sophie Briggs was my great-great-grandmother

As every time-traveller knows, every time
As every time-traveler knows, every time

, time-travellers soon accustom themselves
, time-travelers soon accustom themselves

my body as I realised that she could read my mind
my body as I realized that she could read my mind
though this one isn't really wrong but more accepted

Caio
Ciao

keep up the writing


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
2
2
Review by D Barnhart
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I enjoyed this story

just a few minor mistypes/spelling

She shivered a bit and tried to shake off any sense or dread. "I was told I could work down here."

She shivered a bit and tried to shake off any sense of dread. "I was told I could work down here."

All she could look at were those horrible spider legs and think about how they'd be close enough to touch her soon.

All she could look at where those horrible spider legs and think about how they'd be close enough to touch her soon.

he is just less succesful at it. Or all those years

he is just less successful at it. Or all those years

keep up the great work


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
3
3
Review by D Barnhart
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)


caused every one to
caused everyone to

. Your going to learn
. You're going to learn

trust me there going to be a time
trust me there is going to be a time

They all got there uniforms on and shortly there after followed Jones

They all got their uniforms on and shortly thereafter followed Jones

on there way in they passed
on their way in they passed

nothing more then a few tables and the still
nothing more than a few tables and the still

With that being said I won’t you to tell me how you managed to escape. We will start with W first.”
With that being said I want you to tell me how you managed to escape. We will start with W first.”

Then I walked back to the wall and waited for a guard to enter, when he did faked being injured.
Then I walked back to the wall and waited for a guard to enter, when he did I faked being injured.

also more then willing to take a life if that life furthers your objectives.”

also more than willing to take a life if that life furthers your objectives.”

knocked more then your key loose”
knocked more than your key loose”

Jones rubbed hid head then
Jones rubbed his head then

Jones said as get up and headed back out
Jones said as he got up and headed back out

They mad several turns and twists
They made several turns and twists

walls and one vary large gate opposite to the group.
walls and one very large gate opposite to the group.

remember who he was or how he got hear,
remember who he was or how he got here,

face he raised hi hand ready to hit
face he raised his hand ready to hit

of them had aped attention to how they
of them had paid attention to how they

and did a better job of separating the speakers though there are still some that need to be done
keep up the writing


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
4
4
Review by D Barnhart
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
same as the others
A speaker
B speaker not in one paragraph but separated

make sure your using the right There their

appearances of every one in the
appearances of everyone in the

was taller then X and Y. He’s
was taller than X and Y. He’s
(then is time than is comparing)

rest to day you training
rest today you training

When he was gone Jones to the stage and dismissed the group.
When he was gone Jones went to the stage and dismissed the group.


your characterization is building up


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
5
5
Review by D Barnhart
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
same as before enjoying
and need to separate your speakers

story starts in Alaska.
is it Alaska or Georgia

couldn’t tell if he hand slept for
couldn’t tell if he had slept for

year old boy hand been replaced
year old boy had been replaced

” the voice came from his left the same cocky kid from before.
” the voice came from his left, the same cocky kid from before.

X managed to grown which was shortly after
X managed to groan which was shortly after

you’ve bee out for about a week.
you’ve been out for about a week.

like it’s on fire’ asked X with Y chuckling
like it’s on fire" asked X with Y chuckling

Now carrying the attention of every one around him the fat mans voice boomed
Now carrying the attention of everyone around him the fat man's voice boomed

specifically Kings Bay navel fort, and it’s surrounding town,
specifically Kings Bay navel fort, and its surrounding town,

closest thing you have to one know”
closest thing you have to one now”

tight in his had and laid
tight in his hand and laid

Welks plunged hi free hand into the guards pocket retrieving a small key which he used to undue the shackles around his wrist.

Welks plunged his free hand into the guards pocket retrieving a small key which he used to undo the shackles around his wrist.

have some one to direct you further”
have someone to direct you further”

As they walked into there new quarters
As they walked into their new quarters

As they walked to there room Welks let
As they walked to their room Welks let

good so far


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
6
6
Review by D Barnhart
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
again enjoying it


your first paragraph and a half could be one paragraph as it is one topic and one speaker but don't forget to separate when having different speakers

this is where the 2nd paragraph should begin as well

“well, that‘s quite a mouth full, so you really don‘t know anything about him” replied the Storyteller Well I guess will have to start at the beginning, but first your going to tell me why you want to know and how you came to find out about me.”

“Well, that‘s quite a mouth full, so you really don‘t know anything about him” replied the Storyteller "Well I guess we will have to start at the beginning, but first you'r going to tell me why you want to know and how you came to find out about me.”

over 200 years old ad yet no one has
over 200 years old and yet no one has

And for as why I came to you, when ever I asked some one about X they said I should find the Storyteller
And for as why I came to you, whenever I asked someone about X they said I should find the Storyteller

yours, lets start at the very
yours, let's start at the very

went through” stated the Storyteller
went through” stated the Storyteller.

If his fathers roar did not wake
If his father's roar did not wake

certainly did, curious as to what was going on he clamored
certainly did, curious as to what was going, on he clamored

there were ten dead me and his father face down on the floor, he quickly rushed to his fathers lifeless body crying “daddy get up,

there were ten dead men and his father face down on the floor, he quickly rushed to his father's lifeless body crying “daddy get up,

reached down a grabbed his should and pulled him
reached down a grabbed his shoulder and pulled him

let us go before more me show up for you.”
let us go before more show up for you.”

The commander the picked up the child
The commander then picked up the child

his snow white hair grew wild and matted with no one to cut and quickly be came an ugly shade of gray

his snow white hair grew wild and matted with no one to cut it and quickly became an ugly shade of gray

at it’s center.
at its center.

white uniform apposed to the dull gray
white uniform opposed to the dull gray

you have been hand picked by his majesties
you have been handpicked by his Majesties

British empire, ad you are going to be
British empire, and you are going to be



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
7
7
Review by D Barnhart
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I enjoyed the read though

whenever you have a new speaker you should start a new paragraph

in." Wined a little blond boy
in." Whined a little blond boy

Yelled a little girl whom was running from the
Yelled a little girl who was running from the

two calm down,David it's getting late.
two calm down, David it's getting late.

not be staying for to long,
not be staying for too long,

The storyteller gave Amos some soup and served himself some they ate and then wet to bed not saying word to each other the rest of the night.

The storyteller served Amos and himself some soup. They ate and went to bed not saying word to each other.

. "Alright whats so important
. "Alright what's so important

Storyteller,"and that requires
Storyteller, "and that requires

come on tell me,just because i tell the
come on tell me, just because I tell the


Seems like you got an interesting alternate history fantasy started here


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
8
8
Review by D Barnhart
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I really enjoyed this short story. I did not come across any misspellings or grammar mistakes. your story reminds me of so many of the classic genie stories that the lesson of the stories are to be careful of the wishes we make. humorous ending lesson keep up the writing


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
9
9
Review by D Barnhart
Rated: E | (5.0)
Have to say I liked that a lot No issues that I could see now if you don't mind I'm going to go read some of the doctors stuff (my fav is a toss up green eggs and ham and oh the places you'll go ) you have the meter and the feel just right

Keep up the writing


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
10
10
Review of Heartbreaker  
Review by D Barnhart
Rated: E | (3.5)
While I don't read much by way of modern romance stories I did find this one sweet Loved the old fashioned views.

most of the issues is your use of , or replacing it with - or ( )

Her first single, Hot lived up to it’s name, a
Her first single, Hot, lived up to it’s name, a
I am assuming that Hot is the title of the song

She sang at coffeehouses before she was even thirteen, but by fourteen, she was playing at Madison Square Gardens, and The Hollywood Bowl and

You had her thirteen when she made the movie and single

“Thanks, I love your’s too.”

“Thanks, I love yours too.”

His parents had died (both sets) and he was alone
For a story doing the ( ) isn't usually done nit really sure how to word it though except to just take out Both sets the reader will get it

see- the owner of those terrific pipes- the

see, the owner of those terrific pipes, the

her in person-only in concert,

her in person, only in concert,

of her generation-he was a little
of her generation, he was a little
plus they are of the same generation so I'd also change her to their

voice-so melodic and beautiful
voice, so melodic and beautiful

Jake sat at his computer- shooting off a few emails, and finishing the scene he was working on.

Jake sat at his computer shooting off a few emails, and finishing the scene he was working on.

a stranger (that was adorable) complimenting
the ( ) thing again
a stranger , adorable stranger, complimenting

girl before- even at 25
girl before, even though he was 25

his tan shoulders (which she was imagining and not actually seeing)

his tan shoulders, which she was imagining and not actually seeing.

She had never seen anything like Jake Stewart before, but yet, somehow, she felt as if he was calling her-he had known her all along, and they meant something to each other.

She had never seen anything like Jake Stewart before, but yet, somehow, she felt as if he was calling her, as if he had known her all along, and they meant something to each other.

for staring-you’re just –well,
for staring.. you’re just..well,

I was loved<so I had to be good, and I had

I was loved, so I had to be good, and I had
OR
I was loved; so I had to be good, I had

her life-for reciprocity’s sake

her life, for reciprocity’s sake

this was dangerous- but she didn’t care.

this was dangerous, but she didn’t care.

“it’s been a few years for me-with you.”
“it’s been a few years for me with you.”


“So, does this live up to your expectations-after all that time?”
“So, does this live up to your expectations, after all that time?”

about it- for all intensive purposes… I just liked it.

about it, for all intensive purposes… I just liked it.

just drew me to it- and now I know- I was put
just drew me to it. Now I know, I was put

, and I was supposed to be here-so we could meet…”
, and I was supposed to be here, so we could meet…”

… I mean-we just met, but
… I mean, we just met, but

believe in it- I almost feel like we were once some famous romantic couple-reincarnated in this age to show people once again how to love or something.”

believe in it. I almost feel like we were once some famous romantic couple, reincarnated in this age to show people once again how to love or something.”

“You know what- I feel the same way about you.
“You know what, I feel the same way about you.

worth her time- someone that she could get to know.
worth her time, someone that she could get to know.

What’s your’s?” He asked, taking her small hand in his bigger one. “Angeline”.
What’s yours?” He asked, taking her small hand in his bigger one. “Angeline”.

So much of her life had been spent in seclusion- hiding away, and being alone.

So much of her life had been spent in seclusion, hiding away, and being alone.



So keep up the telling of your stories


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
10 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sideon