I love this poem. It hits a spot in my heart that I haven't been in tune with for years. Mostly because it brings back memories of teachings my mother used to give me when I was a child. Anywho, on to the reviewing of the poem itself!
I love the scheme you use. The flow of the poem itself is great. It connects throughout, giving the sense of someone that is sitting at a desk in the early hours of the evening contemplating about the life they have lived. For life is filled with toil and rough patches, but one must pursue with ever lasting love, kindness, compassion and faith. This piece would have been better if left ambiguous for readers that do not believe in a God, but that is something so minor and without importance that I don't even take it into consideration. Thought it was worth mentioning should you wish to make a piece separate for them.
I would rephrase these lines "These as our armour, sure and strong
Protect us through our whole life long" To something like
"This is our armour, Sure and strong
Protecting us through our life long journey."
But that is only my opinion.
Aside from these minor suggestions, I don't have anything further to say. Wonderful job on this poem. Keep up the good work!
Hi there! Going to start by saying that in no way or manner am I trying to be too critical or rude.
I like it overall, it is nice and to the point, a very colorful description of ADHD.
Although there are some errors here and there which I am unsure about.
"It not a one off time or constant its" This line should be revised and rewritten, the wording is confusing and jars the flow of the poem.
"No control, rushing flowing water" This is a repeat of the line above it. Perhaps you could write something along the lines of "No control, spiraling down the hole". Something that isn't an allusion to water.
The last line has a typo. Instead of "On" you have "Ou".
Aside from these little things, I do very well like the poem. Fitting to the ADHD mind.
I love this. I will admit that before I read this poem I didn't know about the Rondeau form. I'm very pleased and grateful to have come across this, so I thank you for this rare treat. Now, on to the poem itself.
I enjoyed the flow along with the story itself. I don't have anything to add to it. You get the point across, that you're being played by someone who has no idea what love truly is, but they continue to string you along perhaps in denial about what they already know. I could feel a sense of pity from the writer to the subject of the poem.
deaths shore I would change to "Death's shore" seeing as death itself seems personified and the shore belongs to it.
Aside from that, maybe the main line could be spruced up a bit to flow better with the rest of the poem. But, that's just me and I'm sure to others it works perfectly.
I have nothing further to say. Excellent job. Keep on writing!
A very good story overall. I enjoyed the atmosphere of it. The sense of realism portrayed as the story continues to unfold. I also like the touch of how the reader is left unsure of whether this is his mind tormenting him with guilt over what he did or if it's the actual ghost of his daughter.
However, there is room for improvement. When you bring in the guards, they seem polite and almost sympathetic. I'm unsure if this is how real prison guards act, seeing as most who work with criminals know about the reasons why they are there. Following this logic, I think it highly unlikely that the guards would be so nice to Lomas and on the contrary would despise someone capable of killing his wife and daughter in what seems like cold blood.
The other issue which is both a boon and a detrimental flaw is not unveiling the reason as to why he did it. Why he killed his daughter and wife.
My advice would be to review and edit the tense of the story seeing as how you have "stood" in several places when it should be "standing".
All in all, I enjoyed the story. It needs some fine tuning and a bit more torment to get the reader to really feel the desperation, regret and fear that Lomas is feeling.
I especially like the ending, seeing as how you leave it as a hanger, but it still gives the desired ending.
I-I... Have no idea what to make of this story. At first I believed it to be of a character meditating in a room and then passing away. Perhaps a suicide in a bath or an untimely passing due to unforeseeable circumstances.
But just as the story continued to progress and the truth was revealed, I did not know what to feel. I felt like I was drawn in unwillingly to something that held promise only to be turned around and slapped on the back with a kick me sign.
The story by the definition of its genre holds what it promises, a comedic revelation towards the end of the story. It could have been a bit more well delivered, perhaps adding a funny struggle before the dozing slumber overtook the character; fighting off constipation and sleep.
Change "adrift " to "to drift" for a better flow.
add an on between down and my.==>that pushed down my lids
Aside from that, I still don't know what to make of this story. It wasn't bad, that's for sure. It did its job and holds true to its genre. Keep on writing!
Seems to me that the poem is about someone who avoids the light and warmth that summer brings. Who also avoids the rebirth and sense of purity that comes with spring. It's a nice piece, though I would love to see it lengthened. To see it go more in depth towards why the person finds solace and comfort within decay and solitude. To have it appeal and make the reader sympathize with the reasons of the poet.
It's a very interesting piece that I would love to see go more in depth. Nice work, keep on writing.
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