This begins and ends with a good rhythm and has almost a pleading sound to it. Nice write and handling of the content for a younger author!
Editing Considerations :
I don't claim to be anything near an expert on poetry, as I never compose it myself; but the third stanza just breaks the flow of the first two. Perhaps its the placement of the punctuation (as I was taught to read poetry as pausing or resting at the punctuated areas and not to pause if there were no clear punctuations). Just my opinion of course.
My Comments :
With the exception of that third stanza, this reads well aloud and silently. It has good passion and feeling.
Very intense! A psychological thriller thats a very good read!
Editing Considerations :
I noticed none. Good proofing!
My Comments :
Well written! Suspenseful and kept my attention very well! I especially like the ending--leaving the possibility that perhaps he may escape again. Very good!!
I like the pulse or rhythm of it. Pausing at all your punctuation points makes this a good aloud read. Nice job!
Editing Considerations :
I found one typo or spelling error in line 13. You have oases and based upon your used of it in combination with desert, I am assuming you meant to use oasis.
My Comments :
Well written. Although I don't claim to know precisely what your meaning was, to me it was how writing speaks to me; asking me to convey its thoughts, images and ideas so they're no longer trapped within me.
Nicely written and the imagery enables the civilian back home to get a mental picture of what Iraq and the Helos mean to the soldiers on the ground.
Editing Considerations :
I saw no spelling or grammar issues to note. Good proofing!
My Comments :
I like the rhythm of this, and the mental pictures it evokes. As a civilian, I'd personally like to thank you for sharing this, enabling us to see things through the eyes of a solider. For this, and all you've done... Thank you!
This is cute, and an interesting piece that could be read to a younger child to help ease his or her fear of those big, mean thunderstorms.
Editing Considerations :
I saw none to note.
My Comments :
The imagery of the giants sitting up above throwing down their lights and making noises was good. I could envision telling this to a young one to ease their concerns. The only part that would possibly prevent me from doing that, would be the very ending. Somehow challenging the child to believe the words and making a mocking dare to ask giants, which children typically find scary, might be pushing it just a bit far. Overall good job though!!
Errie, creepy and good! I like the plot and tone you've set, and the piece was interesting to read.
Editing Considerations :
I have a few suggestions: Short in stature, it had a face that would rival Attila the Hun's and a nose as ugly as a witch's, it wielded a short sword and could cause the bravest of warriors to flee. -- Maybe consider either making this two sentences, or perhaps using a ; instead of the , after "witch's".
With a final thrust, Xavier caused the creature to dissolve into data, and in the blink of an eye Xavier was back in the real world. -- Just my opinion, but this sentence doesn't flow as most of the others do. Perhaps re-wording it would help.
"Is this what heaven is?" Xavier thought. -- In previous areas of the piece, you used italics to show Xavier thinking to himself, yet here, you use quotes. I think it would be clearer to the reader to use one consistent method throughout. Also, the sentence following this, From behind a curtain the principal appeared. could be combined, which in my opinion would keep that flowing going again. Perhaps something like Is this what Heaven is? Xavier thought, as his principal stepped out from behind the curtain.
My Comments :
Overall this was quite good! The concept of what classrooms and lessons in the future may be is quite interesting, and the plot keeps the reader's interest. Of course the twist at the end just enhances how creepy the theme is. Well done!
My Feeling on this piece :
Very blunt and powerful... Also contrasting in some respects.
Editing Considerations :
I saw none to note.
My Comments :
You've done a good job utilizing words that provided rhyme, but also stuck to the meaning and almost contrasting tone that you set for this. I particularly liked the stanza concerning youth being the hope; since without our children learning and following a Christian path, those very hopes may very well be dashed. I also found it interesting that you blended Christianity and Norse mythology with your reference to Ragnarok. It shows the similarity in beliefs, reminding some that not all forms of religion are so vastly different as they may think. Good read!!
This has the beginnings of a very good young romance type novela. I did, however, like the format of chapters 1-5 better than the centered format for 6 and 7; but that's simply my opinion. Very good start so far! Hope you go on with it!
Editing Considerations :
I did find a few, and I'll note them by chapter, hopefully to be easier for you...
Chapter 1: Jamie took in the Izzy’s baggy pair of cargo pants, and long sleeved t-shirt, -- the first few words here don't quite read right to me; "...took in the Izzy's baggy pair...".
Chapter 3: The hamburger Jamie had been about to bite into paused, forgotten.{/c) -- This sentence reads as though the hamburger paused, lol which made me giggle a little, but I doubt was intended.
As with the beginning of the evening, board games passed by withoutincident. -- Need a space between "without" and "incident".
Chapter 4: It was then that her eyes fell on the cell phone now lying abandoned on the bed besides her. -- It may just be me, but I think the word "besides" should be 'beside'.
Chapter 7: She was goign to make an idiot of herself tonight, she just knew it. -- Typo with the word "goign", should be 'going'.
My Comments :
Overall, this was a good read! The characters seem pretty well developed, there are small stories within the bigger story which offer added avenues to cut away to; such as the relationship with Jamie and her parents, as well as perhaps Tracie's homelife and why the change in her. Also, I'd just like to add how you have the "[insert topic]" and "[more convo here]". It shows that you intend to elaborate more in those areas and also may well serve as a good reminder to you about things you want to expand on later. Nice idea! Hope you stick with this and continue it!!
hahaha I love this!!!: "If you stop drinking tea, however, one of three things could happen: nothing, you could lose your powers or you could die. If you try it, please make sure to let me know the outcome, won’t you? This could make me very successful.”
Editing Considerations :
Found a couple things, hope you find them helpful...
I’d just about run out of idea when I realised I had stopped. -- Could just be me, but might you have meant to use "ideas" with an s?
It seems the abnormally high levels of caffeine ad antioxidants... -- Missing the n in the word "and".
My Comments :
Bravo!!! I loved the wit and sarcasim!! This was very funny in my opinion and quite entertaining! Good Job!!
Nice job so far! I like the ease with which you write the conversations and especially the phone conversation between Marianne and Allison. Well done!! I do hope you add to this and go on with it! You've left all of us who read this hanging with the large man there.
Editing Considerations :
The only thing I found were a few places where the tense seemed to be off or perhaps waviering. The beginning seems to have a past tense feel to it, whereas later there are places where the past tense intertwines with a feel of present tense. For example: She downed the cold water in four long gulps, and pours another glass. She downed being past tense, but then pours another being present. Perhaps its just me, but it caused me to need to re-read some places where this occured.
My Comments :
Over all, a good start!! Nice draft and hopefully you will go on with it and continue adding!!
My Feeling on this piece :
Wonderful!! I enjoyed this very much... perhaps because I tend to speak aloud when doing chores also.
Editing Considerations :
I saw no spelling, grammar or punctuation issues. Good proofreading!!
My Comments :
I found this to be very fun to read and imaginative! Getting the cat caught up with the sheets reminded me of my mother doing nearly the same with her cat a few times in the past; and your statement about the dog and only when cooking, couldn't be more accurate! haha I especially enjoyed the way you brought inanimate objects to life, giving them a voice and personality! Very nice job!!
Bravo!! This made me laugh out loud as well as feel the urge to cry. Wonderful job writing this!! It truly speaks of how so many people expect the young to 'grow up'. Sad, but true.
Editing Considerations :
I saw no spelling, punctuation or grammar issues! Great proofreading!!!
My Comments :
This was a VERY enjoyable read!! The way the little girl described the curl pasted to her cheek... I about died laughing. Of course then I wanted to cry, as well as slap her mother myself for treating the child as she did. You did a wonderful job getting the reader to feel the emotions!!! Well done!
My Feeling on this piece :
Nice layout in following the prompts of the lesson for the Children's Writing Class. Over all, I think you summed things up well.
Editing Considerations :
I did find a few areas that, in my opinion, should be given a second look by you. I do realize that this was intended for a class assignment, but it never hurts to point things out.
"Back then, I took the stories and their situations a lot on face value.When Little Red Riding Hood met and conversed with the wolf it was normal." --Needs an extra space after the . at the end of the sentence.
"Suspended reality came so naturally but now I have to make myself believe the reality of the story."
"The ending is so unbelievable to me now but back then I was very much relieved that the grandma was rescued from the wolf's belly." --Both places, in my opinion, should have a , after the first word of each pair in blue.
"How can Riding Hood be so naive and innocent to not have recognize the wolf in her grandma's clothes." -- I believe your use of regconize was intended to be past-tense, so should end in -ed. Also, beginning the sentence with 'How' leads me to believe you are asking a question, whether rehtorical or not, so perhaps a ? intead of a . should be used at the end.
"Little Red Riding Hood is sent to deliver what the mother cooked to the grandma who lives some ways from them." --Again, just my opinion, but, perhaps a different word here, such as distance, instead of ways. I know in speaking we often use words/phrases such as that, but since this isn't a quote being spoken by a character, I would think the use should be avoided.
Last, I question if your use of "all's well that ends well" should be cited? I know this is a commonly used phrase; but am not sure if, since it isn't actually your own, its origin should be credited.
My Comments :
Good luck in the class!! I hope pointing those few things out may be helpful to you.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Good Effort!
Should you make alterations to this piece, please email me so that I may return to re-review it for you. -lostdreams
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Overall good job though!!
