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114 Public Reviews Given
330 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by -lostdreams
Rated: E | (4.0)
My Feeling on this piece :

Imagery is good--but reads a little flat.


Editing Considerations :

I found the following to mention:

...apologized the new entrant to her greeter... -- This, in my opinion, would read better if it were re-worded slightly to something such as: ...the new entrant apologized to her greeter...

He then escorted the Rani to her seat. Once she was seated, the others too took their respective seats. -- Give some consideration to varying your word choices a little. In this short group for example, you have used the word "seat" or a form of it three times. It gives a feel of redundancy.


My Comments :

I must admit, based upon the description, I was expecting two things: 1) a much longer item and 2)a great deal of action. I was surprised and a bit disapointed to find neither. As I mentioned prior, your imagery is very good! Its descriptive so that the reader can actually picture the goings on within the story--good job with this! Perhaps as you add and this becomes longer, more of the action will be apparent.



Good Writing! *Smile*
-lostdreams
2
2
Review of That Night  
Review by -lostdreams
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
My Feeling on this piece :

Riveting and believably real! Well done!!


Editing Considerations :

Here are the issues I found (not mentioning the ones I feel reasonably comfortable were due to difference in English language, rather than true errors).

... but your not sure what. -- Should read that you are not sure, in which case "your" should be you're.

... middle of the night, he’s probably ... -- since the portions prior to and after "night" can stand alone, the comma should be a semi-colon.

It’s beady eyes ... -- Similar to the first, when it's is used with the apostrophe, it is essentially saying 'it is', which isn't correct in this sentence. Its would be correct here.

I looked around, I was no longer ... -- Here again, the comma after "around" should be a semi-colon, since each portion could stand on its own.


My Comments :

This is excellent writing! It's "showing", vividly descriptive, has a good attention grabbing hook at the beginning and a jolting surprise at the very end. Very well done!! Welcome to WDC! *Smile* Enjoy and don't be afraid to ask questions if you have any.



Good Writing! *Smile*
-lostdreams
3
3
Review of W - A - T - ER  
Review by -lostdreams
Rated: E | (4.0)
My Feeling on this piece :

This is cute! A little sophisticated possibly for a small child, but good for say a six or seven year old maybe.


Editing Considerations :

sip sip sip sip sip sip....ahh! -- I like this! But the way I was taught years ago in school to read poetry, makes reading this a bit difficult. Perhaps some punctuation between the sips, to make your reader pause and set a rhythm to the sipping.

Old warm water is not the best -- I cannot fully put my finger on why, but this line seems to drag with its tempo and the beat of the rest of the poem. The only thing I can think of, and that seemed to help, was when I recited this aloud and added the word 'tap' between "warm" and "water". Just a suggestion. *Smile*

My Comments :

I like the beat and rhythm you've set with this. It's light and youthful enough to appeal to young kids, just as you intended. Your rhymes aren't forced, and coincide well with the theme of the poem. Nice job!



Good Read! Keep Writing!!*Smile*
-lostdreams

4
4
Review by -lostdreams
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
My Feeling on this piece :

Little drawn out in the beginning, but picks up and moves along nicely later.


Editing Considerations :

I only noted a couple places where your word choices were a bit redundant. Such as: I wore my brown Columbia coat, even though it was 3 sizes too big and a boy's coat. Perhaps leaving "coat" off at the end? Just a thought.

My Comments :

To me, although you had some good description and points to expose, the beginning seemed to drag for me. Once I made it to about half to three-fourths of the way through chapter one, it improved quite a bit. Your writing is done well, and your ability to show the reader versus tell is good also. Nice job!!



Good Read! Keep Writing!!*Smile*
-lostdreams

5
5
Review of Tea for One  
Review by -lostdreams
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
My Feeling on this piece :
120 words that pack a punch!


Editing Considerations :

I saw nothing to note. Good proofreading!


My Comments :

You did a great job showing as much as you did in so few words. The sweat could be visualized, as well as a satisfied smirk on the wife's face--even though it was not mentioned or eluded to at all. Good writing!



Good Read! Keep Writing!!*Smile*
-lostdreams

6
6
Review by -lostdreams
Rated: E | (4.5)
My Feeling on this piece :

Very cute with a cat-like humor.

Editing Considerations :
One small spelling error I noted was "scarred". Unless you meant Buffy was marked for life in some way, I believe you have one too many r's. *Wink*

My Comments :

Although cats do funny things to my eyes and nose, they are comical in how they act and go about things. This was very entertaining! Your descriptions were vivid and helped the reader with visuals to actually picture the movement of her as she ran off into the wooded area from the garage. Well done!! *Smile*


Good Read! Keep Writing!!*Smile*
-lostdreams

7
7
Review of The flag  
Review by -lostdreams
Rated: E | (4.0)
My Feeling on this piece :

A lot of emotion rolled up in a small package.


My Comments :

Well written, strong and yet not over-bearing. You've stated your position, made your request, given your reasons and achieved it all without coming across as being "too" forceful. Well done!


Good Read! Keep Writing!!*Smile*
-lostdreams

8
8
Review of Skin Art  
Review by -lostdreams
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
My Feeling on this piece :

Aside from making my chest begin to hurt ... Very good 'caution' sort of piece!!


Editing Considerations :

I saw nothing to note. Good proofreading! *Smile*


My Comments :

Body art of any kind, whether it be tattoos, piercings, etc., are obviously the choice of the individual, however; you show the 'afterward' of a whim as a younger adult regarding the choices you made. Although this does not come right out and say "don't" or, "you shouldn't", it does bring the dangers of this sort of thing to light. Thank you for sharing! Nice job!! *Smile*



Good Read! Keep Writing!!*Smile*
-lostdreams

9
9
Review by -lostdreams
Rated: E | (4.5)
My Feeling on this piece :

Interesting! Kept me reading and wondering what was going to happen next.


My Comments :

Useful exercise you found! Good job working with it as well. You show the reader with a nice balance of telling as well. Pity it was so short, I was looking forward to it going on.



Good Read! Keep Writing!!*Smile*
-lostdreams

10
10
Review by -lostdreams
Rated: E | (4.0)
My Feeling on this piece :

Made me laugh--also made me cringe and determine to never lend my vehicle to anyone. *Laugh*


Editing Considerations :

One suggestion with this portion of a sentence:
We became particularly attached to one in particular, ... -- Even though you tried to sneak the -ly on or off the word, it's still the same word. *Wink* This close together in the sentence it just reads awkward and clumsy. What about something like, ' ... became enamored with one in particular ... '? Just my opinion.


My Comments :

This was funny! Your letter format was good, the descriptions suitable for a correspondence home, and it was full of little nuances that just kept poking me and daring me to smirk. Good job!! *Smile*



Good Read! Keep Writing!!*Smile*
-lostdreams

11
11
Review of Children playing  
Review by -lostdreams
Rated: E | (4.5)
My Feeling on this piece :

Wonderful symbols and parallels here!

My Comments :

The only thing I found myself wishing as I read was that there hadn't been such a 'give-away' with the little girls first tumble and return to the playground. Perhaps you could find another way to return her without coming right out and commenting about the cleanliness of her attire. I think it would make this even more powerful that it currently is. Great message! Well done!



Good Read! Keep Writing!!*Smile*
-lostdreams

12
12
Review of I'm not a writer  
Review by -lostdreams
Rated: E | (5.0)
My Feeling on this piece :

As "they" say, we are our own worst critic.

My Comments :

You have displayed here just how misplaced your view of not being a writer is. This was very well written and contained quite a lot of information within a short piece. You are a writer--irregardless of the reasons you choose to write. Personally, I believe there is a great deal to be said about the writer who writes because he or she loves to write. Often times, the content and meaning held within that writing amounts to volumes more than that of 'professional' writers. *Wink* Nice job with this!


Good Read! Keep Writing!!*Smile*
-lostdreams

13
13
Review of Love You To Death  
Review by -lostdreams
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
My Feeling on this piece :

A wealth of emotion in this piece--nicely done!


My Comments :

The 'change of heart' is shown and written nicely in this! The protagonist was believable as well. Keep up the good work! *Wink*

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Good Read! Keep Writing!!*Smile*
-lostdreams

14
14
Review of Ol' Roos  
Review by -lostdreams
Rated: E | (4.5)
My Feeling on this piece :

Hahaha--very cute and entertaining!! The imagery was very vivid as well, nice job!!


Editing Considerations :

I saw nothing to note here. Good proofreading!


My Comments :

This was a great read! You show the reader very well and tell just enough to fold it in. Wonderful writing!!

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Good Read! Keep Writing!!*Smile*
-lostdreams

15
15
Review of Hostile Takeover  
Review by -lostdreams
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
My Feeling on this piece :

Maybe I'm just too old--but I'm not. I didn't care for this at all. I finished the read, simply because it was short enough to do so.

My Comments :

I'm sure it was intended to be grammatically incorrect and riddled with slang, and although there is probably a place for that--it apparently isn't with me. This did, however, have a rhythmic beat or pulsation to it, as if nearing a climax, which was good. I just personally prefer not to have to decipher the lingo in order to make it through the piece.

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Good Effort! *Smile*
-lostdreams
16
16
Review of Steven Nevets  
Review by -lostdreams
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
My Feeling on this piece :

Wow! Very well written! This had a slowness to it at first. Not so slow that it made me consider not reading on, but a sort of 'take your time' feel--then Wham! Very well done!! From that moment on, my eyes were wide and you had me until the end!!


Editing Considerations :

I saw a few typos, but nothing blaring that hampered the reading. I suggest giving it another re-read to catch those and tidy them up.

My Comments :

This was very good and well worth the read! To other readers--you won't be disappointed with this one!!


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Good Read! Keep Writing!!*Smile*
-lostdreams

17
17
Review by -lostdreams
Rated: E | (3.5)
My Feeling on this piece :

For some reason, this doesn't evoke the emotion in me that I believe you intended.

Editing Considerations :

A couple things:
In line 16, end quotes are needed at the end of Star Spangled Banner.
In line 27, I believe you have a typo of "Whe" and intended 'Who'.

Perhaps some alterations or additions of punctuation would help the flow of this. It just seems to lack a rhythm or flow that would help it read so much better.

My Comments :

Your first stanza, specifically the first two lines, are very strong and spark that emotion which I feel you intended and hoped the reader would have. But something happens after that. It just fizzles for me. The other imagery is good; the rubble, the fear, being united, all of it. It just somehow loses its 'umpf' for me after the beginning stanza.

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Keep Writing!!*Smile*
-lostdreams

18
18
Review by -lostdreams
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
My Feeling on this piece :

Your writing style is good, easy to follow as a reader and very descriptive!


Editing Considerations :

I saw only a couple areas with a lack of commas, but that could very well have been my preference so I will just suggest you give this another proofread and see what you think.


My Comments :

This isn't exactly my preference for subject matter, but it was well written and has potential to be quite good. At the beginning, describing Lector, there were times when I felt as though you were too descriptive. I found myself wondering when we would actually get into the story. But again, that is just my opinion.

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Good Read! Keep Writing!!*Smile*
-lostdreams

19
19
Review of The Old Old Woman  
Review by -lostdreams
Rated: E | (4.5)
My Feeling on this piece :

Only if we could all go like that. Very nice!


Editing Considerations :

The only one I saw previously has been corrected.

My Comments :

Your descriptions were very good! As the reader I could picture her eyes taking in all that her life had meant to her as she remembered parts of it. Nice job!!


Good Read! Keep Writing!!*Smile*
-lostdreams

20
20
Review of Deep River  
Review by -lostdreams
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
My Feeling on this piece :

I think the storyline is good so far. I may be way off with this, since I have not read that many scripts, but, there are places where it gets a bit confusing trying to discern between a speaking line and action. I would think free spaces between the actions/directions and the speaking lines would make this much easier to read and follow.

Editing Considerations :

I found quite a few, actually. Around about the time that Annie is introduced, there are several instances of erroneous apostrophes such as: ANNIE, early 50ís, is overwhelmed by all the customers. and LIVVIE
Iíd love the job.

Beyond that, I found the following:
ABIGAIL
You father? You think you father would support you on this? - I believe the first and third instances of "you" should be your.

INT: PICK-UP TRICK -- DAY - "TRICK" is a typo, since I believe you intended to use TRUCK.

Blake quickly puts his shirt on her and lays her down, he finishes dressing her. Then covers with an old quilt.
She signs softly, contently. - The first two sentences could be combined into one so it would read with better flow--less choppy. Also, "signs" I believe is a typo with your intention being sighs.

It's dusty, old, the stings are broken, half hanging. - Another typo, "stings" should be strings.

Livvie starts diggin through boxes, - Even though this is direction, it still shouldn't use slang such as "diggin". Digging would be much better.

as if noone is around, - Here, "noone" should be two words, no one.

Blake stops and looks at, rubs his bruised jaw. - Not entirely sure what you meant with this direction, but it doesn't read well. What does he stop to look at?

My Comments :

Although this sort of scenario has been used in several others works, its still good and keeps the reader's interest! The main downfall, apart from the editing issues, would be the layout. As I said, it would be much easier to read and follow if there were spaces to separate the direction, speaking lines and the different characters.

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Good Read! Keep Writing!!*Smile*
-lostdreams

21
21
Review of Chased by Numbers  
Review by -lostdreams
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
My Feeling on this piece :

Impressive for so few words! I was skeptical before reading, but this is nicely done. We don't learn a lot about Howard, but enough to make him a real person. It has its serious aspects, and then made me chuckle when I envisioned him turning and seeing the three moons. Nice job!!


Editing Considerations :

I saw none. Good proofreading!


My Comments :

Easy to read, descriptive, and entertaining for as short as it is. Well done!

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Good Read! Keep Writing!!*Smile*
-lostdreams

22
22
Review by -lostdreams
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
My Feeling on this piece :

Very cute! You've written this in a formal essay style, showing your research and all, but kept it light and humorous at the same time.


Editing Considerations :

The only thing I noticed to mention was:

I even tried to make "deals".One night, I offered, in sacrifice, one shoe from each pair I owned. - A space is needed between the period after "deals" and "One".


My Comments :

You used colorful, descriptive language in your writing, keeping it light and interesting while packaging it all in a more formal style as contrast. Nice! On top of all that, you answered one of my nagging questions. Now I know who to blame!! *Laugh*



Good Read! Keep Writing!!*Smile*
-lostdreams

23
23
Review by -lostdreams
Rated: E | (4.5)
My Feeling on this piece :

I like your format; very easy to read. The voice of the piece is also easy on the reader and flows well.

Editing Considerations :

I am going to suggest two edits to the wording of a couple sentences. Each one contains a repeated word within that, in my opinion, causes the sentence to interrupt the flow and sound less than desirable.

If only she’d given this a little more thought, she might have been able to avoid this! - The use of "this" twice here is similar to a gong going off in my head when reading it. I would drop the first instance or change the word, perhaps to "it".

Looking into his eyes, she glimpsed what appeared to have been real fear in his eyes. - Here again is the same issue, only this time the word is "eyes". I would suggest dropping the phrase "in his eyes" entirely from the end, causing the sentence to read Looking into his eyes, she glimpsed what appeared to have been real fear.

My Comments :

Over all, nicely written. I do though wonder why Isabella would have been "locked away safely in her room". But until you write more, we will never know. *Laugh*

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Good Read! Keep Writing!!*Smile*
-lostdreams

24
24
Review of ***untitled***  
Review by -lostdreams
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
My Feeling on this piece :
This has an interesting and compelling theme and tone to it. It did keep me reading, however, the grammar, punctuation and some spelling issues made it an effort. I found I had to read and re-read a few times in many areas in order to sort through them.

Editing Considerations :
Rather than list out everything I saw, I will draw some of the more common ones and use examples from the Prologue.

(i)they(/i) - This is simply a case of using the wrong symbol to use the text effect. Instead of the (), the {} should be used. They are located to the right of the letter P on the keyboard.

They told me to stop jabbering nonsense. That my wild imagination had finally gone too far. That I was tired, that I needed to rest, the look of concern slowly turning into annoyance. - There are quite a few areas such as this one. Its choppy and wordy. By changing a bit of the punctuation, and perhaps a few words, the flow would improve immensely. Perhaps something like: They told me to stop jabbering nonsense; that my wild imagination had gone too far. "You're tired and need some rest," they said, with looks of concern slowly turning to annoyance.


My Comments :

Overall, I think with some editing and corrections this would be a very good read!! You have a nice plot and storyline created, it just could use some polishing to make it easier for the reader to understand and not give up reading.

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Good Effort! *Smile*
Should you make alterations to this piece, please email me so that I may return to re-review it for you. *Smile*
-lostdreams
25
25
Review of Time We Never Had  
Review by -lostdreams
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
My Feeling on this piece :

This is quite dark and gloomy, so on my second and third pass through I read slowly, assuming that the melody was intended to be rather slow... Perhaps with low, bass tones. Not something I would listen to personally, but the content was well written.


Editing Considerations :

I saw no spelling or grammar issues to note. Good proofing!

My Comments :

Overall quite good! As I said, the subject matter is quite dark and depressing in my view, but its well written and shows a lot of emotion. Good job!

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Good Read! Keep Writing!!*Smile*
-lostdreams

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