This poem is verrry good.
However, i would correct this line: "She pelted me with words that were like hardpacked
snowballs hurled at me." You were already saying that she pelted you but then you said being hurled at me. You were just repeating yourself.
Go into more details on the things that your daughter was saying. I like how you kept it open, but more details definitely would have been nice, (:
These are just minor details that you could fix and the poem would be great!
Thank you so much for taking time to write this poem. Keep on writing. (:
Very good ending.
Maybe a little to much profanity for my taste, but that it just my opinion.
She seems a little bitter to the man that loves her, but that could judt possibly be their relationship type. Only you can know.
Anyways, good story. Details could have been better. But the ones that you had were fair.
Oh, how I loveeee flash fiction. I liked how it let up to the twist at the end. Everything was great in this poem. It really made me believe that you were talking about a literal body as in corpse. This is super good. The twist was definitely the strong pont of this story. The conflict started up automaticly and I really like how I can just jumpinto the story without any prior details to push it along. Good details and good imagery. (:
Sooo, this poem is amazing. It puts a lot of things into perspective.
"Happiness is a mirage,
an illusion with no meaning." would have to be my favorite line. I am a generally happy and blessed person but sometime this line describes me perfectly.
"I try to capture it,
like a photograph,
but the film
never develops
and I remain
hopeless." is another amazing line. Good usage of simile.
didnt really like the lines "An Eden evades me,
a garden of perfection
waiting just out of reach." To me it just didnt fit. But that is just my opinion. (:
I have already told you this, but I love this, Ashley!
The imagery is amazing. I like the whole concept of this poem. I can see her walking down the halls like the biggest prep but inside of her, shes is actually hurting. She has all the materalistic things that she wants but she only wants to have a friend that will love her for her and not all of her stuff. (:
Really good. I can feel her hurting and the pain inside. (:
Overall the poem was very well written.
The last line that said "Because of you I am dead," are you talking literally or metaphoricly? Most of these lines i believe are exaggerated.
"I’ve locked my heart inside this box So you cannot rip it out again –" would have to be my favorite lines in the poem because I can relate to the pain that you are going through. Your imagery was used well in this poem. I can really see and feel the pain that you are going through. I enjoyed reading this poem because I can honestly relate to being broken hearted. Maybe not as exaggerated as this, but still..
Another well written line would have to be "It gave you love when you proved impossible to love –." You were trying your hardest to love this person when they were the hardest to love or to get along with.
All I can tell you, is keep writing. You are very talented and should never give up your passion for writing.
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