Hello JulieL,
I would like to comment on your story “Jacob's Pillow, chapter1”. I would like you to know that you don't have to agree with what I say. My comments reflect my views and are aimed at making a good piece even better.
Overall impression: a very good first chapter where the reader is introduced to the main character and to her background story and thoughts. There are a lot of intriguing points and that kept me reading. The setting was very interesting too.
Title: I don't know yet what the whole story is about, but from what I know about Jacob's Pillow, it's an important piece in the whole story.
Character and plot: your character Kyla is very well described: she has history, she has feelings and she thinks a lot. She is a very convincing character.
Your plot, so far, is well written, though there were two moments when I thought: why is this mentioned? What does it bring to the story? The first one is the mention of the brown gown Kyla is supposed to be wearing for a celebration, but then it isn't mentioned again. The second is her hair style. Is it really important?
Imagery: The descriptions of nature and Edimburgh are really well done, and I could picture the scenes, though I've never been there. Also, sometimes, instead of saying in one word what happened to Kyla, you described it, and that was really good.
Errors and suggestions:
You have problems with punctuation, espcially with commas. There are 4 kinds of commas, three of which you used:
1) use a comma when listing of three or more words: "X, Y and Z"
2) use a comma when you join two complete sentences (subject, verb, object) and use a connective (and, or, but, yet, while): "You must hand in your essay by Friday, or you'll reveive a zero."
3) also use a comma when you want to isolate a weak bit of the sentence (an explanation that could be left out, for example): "Darwin's Origin of Species, published in 1859, revolutionized biological thinking."
4) finally, use a comma, when you don't want to repeat a whole chunk of sentence: "Some Norvegians wanted to base their national language on the speech of the capital city; others, on the speech of the rural countryside." The comma after 'others' shows that 'wanted to base their national language' has been left out because there is no need to repeat it.
I would advise you to buy a simple grammar that explains the rules of punctuation, or a guide to punctuation. It really helps. The Penguin Guide to Punctuation is very clear and works for me. But there are others out there...
"The drunk driver that hit her was sent to prison but that wasn’t harsh enough for Kyla" > I would suggest 'who hit her' and you need a comma before 'but'. There are other punctuation mistakes, but I don't want to list them all for fear to scare you off by the length of my comment.
"when he stumbled over reeking of alcohol and Kyla had stood up" > you need a comma after 'over' for these are two sentences. I would also suggest the use of a semi-colon after 'alcohol', for the two sentences are linked, and a full stop would break that link.
"a sign that she knew in her heart wouldn’t come, it never did." > you need to use a semi-colon after 'come' for the two sentences are linked together, but the comma doesn't work; it's too weak.
"“I’m here,” Kyla said and knelt next to her mother placing the flowers on her grave, “just as I promised you.”" > Here, you need to put a full stop at the end of the narrative part, and then start a new sentence with the direct speech. You can only continue direct speech (that is to say, resume with a small letter after a bit of narration) when the narrative part is very short, as in 'she said'. Example: 'You know,' she said, 'there is no need to...' But when the narrative part is as long as yours, then you need to use a full stop and begin your direct speech with a capital letter. The reader still knows that that's the same direct speech sentence.
"She returned to her mother’s grave and laid her hand on the mound one last time then she stood to leave." > semicolon after 'time'
"slipping into depression" "slipped into slumber" You used twice 'slipped' in two sentences that are very near one to another. i suggest changing one of the verbs.
"Her ankle length, silk nightgown" > 'ankle-length' nees a dash because as an adjective, it has to be a compound adjective.
"...The Castle Esplanade. It seemed to pull her to it, as if her feed moved without conscious thought." > I believe you wanted to say 'feet'.
"the oldest building still in tact on the grounds" > intact is in one word. At the end of your chapter, you made the same error.
"“Where am I?” She asked meekly." > here, you need to begin your piece of narration with a small letter, since after '? ! ,", at the end of a part of direct speech, the narrative bit continues with a small letter. Only after a '.' does the narrative part begin with a capital letter. There is one more instance where you did that.
You don't use a full stop at the end of the direct speech in the following cases: "“The Lass has spirit Duncan.” He said, walking..." and "“I can’t.” She said and lay down on the snow covered ground." Use a comma instead, for the full stop at the end of the whole sentence is enough to indicate that the direct speech has ended.
"“I ken ye better tell me who you are first lass.” Colin said." > I'm soory, but I couldn't understand the first bit of the direct speech. I believe that was a typing error.
What I liked best: I liked the fact that Kyla is alone and has problems (depression, among others) but somehow I know that she will manage to overcome her problems. I also liked the dream she had. It stands in contrast to the reality when she meets the highlander. In her dream he waits for her, and in reality, he doesn't know her and doesn't really care that she's there. Maybe, though, the dream will have it's parallel later on in the novel.
Keep up the great work!!
Jéssica
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