a very sweet story about a girl learning that being popular is not all that counts in life. I loved the portrayal of Harold, but somehow the name does not fit with his kindness and eyes. Then again, that's my opinion and you don't have to agree with me.
I think that making the popular couple be stared at and be laughed at is very refreshing, because that nearly never happens in stories, and then only to the clumsy and outcasts.
I have to say that though there are very happy moments in your story, the general atmosphere is sad and depressing.
It's sad that you made your characters die, but thus is life. At least they die happy.
There are a couple of typing and grammatical errors, that's why it's not a 5-star rating.
a very beautiful story about emotions that one cannot control. If only people listened more to their inner feelings instead of seeing only the (outer) appearances. You have captured the very reason why one should not listen to what other people think of your friends...
There are a few typing errors, but apart from that your story is very good.
A very beautiful poem about the fear crossing a girl's mind on a date. Whi hasn't felt that at leaast once in their life?
I particularly love the repetition of "I haven't done this is a while/ But..." and the antepenultimate stanza, which is the most beautiful and the most charged in meaning in my opinion.
a very emotional story about a foster kid. The descriptions are vivid, picturing the pain Ann goes through. I understand completely that she needs a shelter, a haven of sorts, to get respite from the unfairness that surrounds her. I like the clashing description of Lila, the rich and popular girl who has everything her heart desires, and yet she is not completely happy. I didn't grasp the importance of John yet, but hope I will soon.
I'm looking forward to the next chapter to see what path will take Ann's destiny.
i'm somehow not convinced this story will go anywhere soon. There are a lot of detours, and I don't see how the story of the fairy grove can be linked to the incident at school and the tree.
There is one occurence where you changed tenses. That was strange. And probably not on purpose.
there are some gaps in your plot. When the police arrive, they look at the evidence, but only in the kitchen. What about the broken window?
And would the police not make sure to know where their colleague (the father) has disappeared to? And they don't ask any questions in your story. Normally, the questions are very detailed as in: do you know anyone who could mean to harm your mother?...
I hope the following chapters will pay more attention to details.
why does Susan assume that the same man would come back to her? That seems strange to me. Well, maybe this is going to be clearer when the story moves on.
There is one thing that is completely impossible. If the oak tree is an old one then it can't possibly been knocked down by a bulldozer. Oaks can be more than 100 years old, and when you see their siez, then you know they have to be vut into pieces. Moreover, the roots would have been mostly broken by uprooting it, because untike pine trees for example, their roots grow deep into the soil and not under the surface.
The last bit is good, because the suspense has come back. But I'm still wondering about the detour.
a strange continuation of the plot. But let's see where the little detour brings us to. Until now I didn't understand the link between the plot and the title, but now it's clear. Let's just see what a tree can have to do with a strange cat. There is not much happening here, especially in the end, but I like the open ending.
you had a good idea in writing a poem built of four-lined stanzas repeatring lines 2 and 4 in the next stanza and finally closing the circle with the last stanza. I can see the time you spent writing this poem. It was pleasant to read, but the repetitions were a bit much in the end and you cannot really feel the arousal between the two personas (well, that's how I feel). You used good imagery, though.
I have to say that I had a little trouble getting into the story, but once I was hooked, I couldn't stop reading. I particularly loved the ending. The newspaper article that reports that 3 women were found dead was, in my opion, a good idea but should be more detailed, or Jack should know a bit more about it.
All that remains for me to say is: keep up the good work.
A beautiful poem about love. I particularly loved the following lines:
"Gentle touches caress the skin,
While our desires begin
To build within."
Instead of saying "gently we caress the skin" or something similar, I love how you rendered this moment, somehow 'desembodying' the person who does it. (I hope what I try to say is understandable). The poetic moment however is somewhat marred when the word 'bedroom' appears, for it reminds us too much of concrete things. It's just my opinion though. You don't have to agree.
A little grammatical error ocurred. "Each other" is writen in two words.
I've never heard of the Cleave form, but it looks very interesting. You have tried it and I have to say that it's a success. I see that you have put a lot of work into that poem. It's beautiful, and yet sad.
The only thing that remains for me to say is: keep up the good work!!
a very simple (and simple is not intended to be negative) and emotional poem. I like that fact that you describe everything lovemaking consists of without ever using harsh words. It's very poetic.
oh, how much I can relate to this poem, as probably a lot more women than you think. Everyone wants to be loved.
I particularly love the fact that you didn't use any punctuation for the direct speech, as if the thought flows out like this, without thinking about what he's saying. So many people think so much before speaking, and sometimes you have the impression that what they say doesn't come from the heart.
I like your poem "Close Proximity". The redundancy of the title is excellent. The whole poem is excellent. My favourite stanza is definitely the first one. It's a very good introduction to the very poetic (if I may be redundant myself) poem.
The fifth stanza seems a bit out of place, given that the personas talk, when you say in stanza three that no words are uttered. Maybe think of altering this stanza.
A very interesting form. Keep up the excellent work!!
I think your story is very good, but needs a little more descriptions. It seems like a draft as it is. This can be appealing (for a fact, I rarely re-draft) but there are some things missing. The title is very promising, and the end is nort at all disappointing. There are a few changes in the tenses and a few typing errors that will make this story much easier to read.
I hope my help was constructive. Keep up the good work.
A very good story. It's very poetic, especially towards the end. I think that changing the mood in the middle is very interesting, and you have performed that very well. The reader (that is to say I) doesn't feel frustrated, because the ending is so poetic.
I like your story, but somehow there is too little dialogue, which is really a pity. You should mark the thoughts between inverted commas, which makes it easier for a reader to see where a thought begins and ends. I know that for a first-person narration, it's not easy to tell thought from narration, especially that you write a narration in the present. The title does not match the story, not entirely.
I hope my opinion was helpful somehow. Keep up the good work!!
a good story. It has humour in the middle, it's serious at the end with the engagement ring, and sex all the rest of the text. The only thing that marred the whole text was the constant change of tenses. I suggest revising.
"The room was dark with a street lam's light bleeding in through the blinds." This sentence is a veey good sentence to start a text with, but "bleeding" gives a sense of foreboding, which is not needed here.
a very emotional poem about a first time that is not what anyone would wish for. I particularly loved the third staza because of the way it was cut up: every other line "Grey sins". That makes the poem even darker, even sadder, but so much more beautiful, because it describes the night and what the girl thought later. The parallel is very well done.
"Caught in one moment,
"But really it’s a lifetime." How very true. Very well observed.
You have a good sense of the observation. I must say that you are right about teenage boys always boasting too much. I also wish they would do it less. The end is a very good philosophical ending. A very good poem.
this is a very emotional story. You clearly have a lot of imagination and can express it perfectly well.
There is only one flaw in your story. I know it destroys the poetic moment you have created, but I always need reality. I don't think that only binding up cut wounds on the wrists is enough to stop the bleeding. Then again, I don't believe in angels, but your story makes me believe in them. I believe I just have to accept your story as it is in all its poetry.
I had to chuckle when I read your poem, especially at the end. The form is perfect, it's not too short, nor too long, and the sort of open ending leaves the reader enough to make up their own pictures.
I believe a lot of people can think of a similar situation in their life, and that's what makes it easy to like this short poem.
well, I have to say that for a first piece, this is very good. All the poetry of the act is in it, and there are no harsh words destroying this poetry. The last sentence made me laugh.
The only thing that remains to say is: keep up the good work!!
Jéssica
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/soft_whispers/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.24 seconds at 11:44am on May 19, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
