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1
1
Review of Icy Balm  
Review by Jéssica
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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Hello Mara ♣ McBain ,

as judge of round 52 of "The Weekly Quickie Contest" , I'm happy to read and review your story "Icy Balm " .

*Exclaim* Disclaimer *Exclaim*
While I read extensively and write a lot, I'm in no way a professional. Every opinion or suggestion I give is solely from the point of view of a reader. Feel free to accept my suggestions or dismiss them as you see fit.



*Idea* Title *Idea*

A curious title, I thought, until I read the last line.It totally made sense and I actually like the oxymoron a lot.


*Thought* Interpretation of prompt *Thought*

A nice take on the prompt. So far I saw ice cubes used to excite, but here it's used partly to punish and partly to soothe.


*Anchor* Grabber *Anchor*

I particularly liked the reference to their past and therefore was curious whether it was going to work out between them in the end. And indeed it did.


*Woman* Characters and plot *Man*

         *BulletR* Character: You always make your characters so believable that I'm starting to wonder whether you experienced all that at some point in your life. *grin* I could really see Shane's hurt and Michaela feeling sorry.

         *BulletR* Plot: Your story moves effortlessly from one point to another and it's always a pleasure to read your newest creation. Sometimes I wish I could write like this. I guess it all comes with practise, right?


*Blush* Imagery and sizzle *Kiss*

Your descriptions are so very precise that I had no problem picturing what was happening. Feeling are also described very well. The whole scene was so hot and that they lie together in the end and their trust is restored was so sweet. There definitely was sizzle all along.


*Magnify* Spelling, punctuation and grammar *Magnify*

         *BulletR* Punctuation:
"her hips undulated franticly against the pillows searching for friction" I think a comma after "pillows" would be good. Reading the sentence as it stands would mean that the pillows are searching for friction.
"in the headboard's ornate mirror spurring her desire" Same here I believe. A comma after "mirror" would clarify what you're talking about."
A low rumble started in his chest leaving his lips" Here too you need a comma after "chest".

         *BulletR* Spelling:
"franticly" This should read "frantically".
"the pant of their breath" I suppose you meant to write "breaths".
"their sweat slicked skin" You need a hypen between "sweat" and "slicked" because it's a compound adjective.

         *BulletR* Miscellaneous:
"flinched as a fresh cube of ice traced" Maybe saying a "new" or "another" ice cube would be better in this case. I understand what you meant to say, but "fresh" can have a double meaning here.


*ThumbsDown* What needs a little more work *ThumbsDown*

Nothing really apart from what I mentioned just above.


*ThumbsUp* What I liked best *ThumbsUp*

The reconcilaition and the fact that the trust is back. It was so sweet.


*Target* Overall impression *Target*

As always a very well-written story I thoroughly enjoyed to read.


Rating of 5 based on:
Plot and character: 5
Writing: 4.5
Sizzle: 5


Keep up the good work and, above all, keep writing!

Jéssica

"A work of art is the unique result of a unique temperament." Oscar Wilde


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
2
2
Review of The Indigo Letter  
Review by Jéssica
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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Hello StoofSpook ,

as judge of round 1 of "Sensual Moments, Vol. 9" , I'm happy to read and review your story "The Indigo Letter" .

*Exclaim* Disclaimer *Exclaim*
While I read extensively and write a lot, I'm in no way a professional. Every opinion or suggestion I give is solely from the point of view of a reader. Feel free to accept my suggestions or dismiss them as you see fit.



*Idea* Title *Idea*

This title certainly had me intrigued before I opened the item and read the story. I wondered what would be in it. I wasn't disappointed because I quickly figured out that it was some message from Danny's wife. That the letter would inspire such a sexy scene I could not have forseen. Well done.


*Thought* Interpretation of prompt *Thought*

You took my idea and led it somewhere else altogether. The bar was just a pretext for your story to really start. I really like where you took the story.


*Anchor* Grabber *Anchor*

"“And I take it you could do with some consolidation?”" I always admire characters who are direct and aren't afraid of saying things like that. This sentence has made your female character come to life for me. I just wanted to know how she would go about convincing him that this was what he wanted/ needed.


*Woman* Characters and plot *Man*

Your characters are believable and I could see their attraction to one another. The pain Danny is feeling though lacks a bit of depths according to me. I didn't really feel his pain.
Your plot flows smoothly from beginning to end. I found that the very beginning (the first four paragraphs) were a bit long and heavy (as in forboding and depressing) as opposed to the rest of the story. There was only one instance where there was an inconsisteny. He doesn't take off her undies.
There was one moment when I thought that something was missing, or maybe that is just how Amy is. "“What happened to you?” she asked." Would someone really ask that without knowing the other person? It struck me as something that I would ask friends without needing an 'introduction', but not a stranger.


*Blush* Imagery and sizzle *Kiss*

As I mentioned before, your descriptions are precise and I could picture the scenes easily.
The last part of your story is only the climax to what happened in the bar. What I would have liked to see more is a little more seduction in the bar. This scene seems to focus too much on the drama of what happened to Danny. I think before he goes and kisses her there needs to be more seduction on her part or peeking on his. His kiss seems to come a bit out of nowhere, though we know that she offered the sex.
You gave just the right amount of physical description for me to picture how the characters looked like, and I don't think it's necessary, as some writers of erotica tend to do, to give more details once the characters are in bed. What I had a little problem with though is that you used 'medical' words (penis, vagina) to describe their sexual organs. Why not choose something a little softer, something like a metaphor, or something altogether cruder, that would go with the atmosphere of the seduction?

*Magnify* Spelling, punctuation and grammar *Magnify*

There are a few mistakes here, and I would like to correct and explain them.

         *BulletR* Punctuation:
"The comforting confirmation of his wife. Chopping board..." Here, a : would be much better than a full stop. A colon is used when you list objects, and here there is clearly a list. Also, a colon is used when there is a movement from the general to the particular in a sentence that contains a list. The general would be the 'confirmation of his wife (implicitely the objects she uses often)' and the particular the list of the objects ('chopping board...').
"Alison’s reply startled him; knowing it was her..." The ; is wrong here. A full stop is much better. There is no link whatsoever between the two sentences, so a semi-colon is not required.
"My proposition to you, though, is to hide nothing; to put my motives out on the table..." I suggest lengthening the second sentence after the semi-colon. Like this, it doesn't make sense. Also, when you use semi-colons, make sure that the two sentences 'linked' by the punctuation mark have to be complete sentences with a subject and a verb.
"he felt exposed lying on the bed half-naked, but liked it." There is no need for the comma here. You only need one when you use a pronoun (I, you, he/she/it, we, you they) in the last part. If it's the same person speaking/ doing the action/ feeling the feeling, then you obviously don't need to repeat the pronoun, and then you don't need a comma.
"They haven't been touched in so, god-damned long." You don't need the comma here.

         *BulletR* Spelling:
"consolidation" You mispelled this wrod three times. What you mean is consolation. To console someone is to comfort them, whereas to consolidate is to make stronger, to reinforce.
"holding up glass of whiskey" You forgot 'a' before 'glass'.
"the more of a wreak Juliana grew..." I believe you meant 'wreck'.
"Willards" You forgot the apostrophe before the -s.
"fully clothes" It should read 'clothed'.
"she placed subtle kisses everywhere" I'm not quite sure, but I think subtle is wrong here. I understand that you mean hardly noticeable kisses, but why not say soft? Have a look on the following website http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/subtle, but I don't think this use of subtle is correct here.

         *BulletR* Miscellaneous:
"What’s wrong with this mirror, he thought" Several times throughout the story you wrote something in italics and then added 'he thought'. This is not necessary. With the italics, we already know that his thoughts are transcribed. You can either choose the italics and drop the 'he thought', or keep the latter and drop the italics. There is no need for both.
"But despite her beauty" 'But' and 'despite' mean almost the same. There is no need for that. Choose either or, but remember that it's not very good writing to start a sentence with 'but' or 'and', a fairly common practice lately.
"Wow, Danny thought. This girl is good." There were several instances when it would have been better to start a new paragraph, and the quote is one of these. When you change ideas, start a new paragraph. When a different character speaks to the one doing the action, start a new paragraph. That makes it much more visible for the reader and we know immediately who is talking and you won't necessarily need the 'he/she said'.
""Nevertheless", he continued." I didn't understand why you used 'nevertheless' here.
"As his muscles began to stiffen, he began to emit sharp, rapid breaths." You repeat 'began' within the same sentence. I suggest replacing one of them.
"“You should come inside me,” she reasoned." I believe that reason doesn't fit the context here.


*ThumbsDown* What needs a little more work *ThumbsDown*

I was confused by the following passage: "“More.”/ “More what?”" I had to re-rea it several times and work out who said what. Why doesn't she ask straight away for what she wants, instead of just saying 'more.'?
"And then it was dark." This felt like the story was not finished yet. Was that intentional?


*ThumbsUp* What I liked best *ThumbsUp*

"drawing sparks of pending satisfaction from the nerves in his heart, his thighs, his arms..." I really liked this line. Sometimes I wish I could come up with more lines like this. I did once, and I don't know how I did it...


*Target* Overall impression *Target*

For your first story (at least on this website) this one is of really good qulity. You proofread your story carefully, and made few spelling mistakes. Your knowledge of punctuation is good too, as is your knowledge of how to tell a good story. It was a pleasure to read your story and have it feature in the contest.


Rating of 4.5 based on:
Plot and character: 4.5
Writing: 4.5
Sizzle: 4


Keep up the good work and, above all, keep writing!

Jéssica

"A work of art is the unique result of a unique temperament." Oscar Wilde


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
3
3
Review by Jéssica
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Amber Jane ,

I would like to comment on your story "Strangers In The Night". I would like you to know that you don't have to agree with what I say. My comments reflect my views and are aimed at making a good piece even better.

Title: fits the content well

Characters and plot:

         *BulletR* Characters: I thought your characters were very well developed and I felt like they were real and lived in our world. Ellie's feelings were well shown and I felt fear along with her.

         *BulletR* Plot: The story moved forward nicely without being rushed nor lingering too long on some scenes. Nicely done!

Imagery: I liked the way you described things and people. You are very accurate and have put a great effort into showing us what the setting looked like. I like stories like that.

Errors and suggestions:

         *BulletR* Punctuation: "What do you want, Eric," You should use a question mark here and then start with a new sentence for the rest.
"Ellie smiled ruefully," You need a full stop here before you move on to the direct speech. Unless you have say or any direct synonym you can't pass on to direct speech by using a comma.
"nothing bad could happen to me there, could it?." The full stop at the end is superfluous.
"He was leaning against the doorjamb but the darkness behind him" You need a comma before "but" to mark the subordinate sentence off the main clause.
"I am telling you that you are quite safe here with me, if that's enough,..." You need a comma after "me" and then start a new sentence with the rest. If you don't so that, the whole sentence is too long and a bit confusing.
"When she didn't he asked,// "Well, are you ready to test your theory?"" You need a comma after "didn't". Also, you don't need to start a new paragraph for the direct speech here. As long as it's the same person talking as the one doinf the action, you can keep the direct speech in the same paragraph.
"Still the niggling of fear wouldn't go away." You need a comma after "still".

         *BulletR* Spelling: I didn't spot any spelling mistakes. Well edited on this part.

         *BulletR* Miscellaneous: "He contemplated for a second and then said," You missed "her".
"Yet he still hasn't touched her in any way..." You switched tenses here and went from the past tense to the present. Make sure you don't switch tenses in the narration throughout the story. The same applies to the second part in this sentence: "Here they were on the brink of sexual intimacy and they have not yet kissed."
"She felt the bed give way as he first left and then came back to join her under the covers." There is no indication whatsoever that he switches the light on or anything. How can she see him more clearly a bit later?

What I had problems with: Maybe it was the length of the story. I wouldn't call it a problem, but I'm sure your story could have been a bit shorter without being less good.

What I liked best: "But somewhere deep inside the seed of doubt had been sown and she knew she wouldn't rest until... " Now this was the sentence that hooked me. From there on I just wanted to know what would happen next.

Overall impression: A nice story that I really enjoyed reading.

Keep writing!
Jéssica
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
4
4
Review by Jéssica
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Sparky Dishwasher ,

I would like to comment on your story "A Naughty Start to a New Year". I would like you to know that you don't have to agree with what I say. My comments reflect my views and are aimed at making a good piece even better.

Title: doesn't fit the content well because there is no indication in the story that it's new Year's Eve.

Characters and plot:

         *BulletR* Characters: I found Laura to be a well-developed character and I thought her being the one with a big mouth was a nice idea. I liked her though I'm not at all like her.

         *BulletR* Plot: Your story moves forward. The beginning is a bit slow, but the rest of the story develops nicely.

Imagery: Nice descriptions, but I would have liked to see more details.

Errors and suggestions:

         *BulletR* Punctuation: "She wasn’t sure who had approached who, she had been making her way towards him and he had been approaching her." I think this sentence would have more impact if you used a semicolon or a colon instead of the simple comma.
"Her breathing was heavy. As was his." You can easily link these two sentences by using a comma instead of the full stop.

         *BulletR* Spelling: "She didn’t stop at his waste" "waste" is rubbish and "waist" is the part of the human anatomy.
"send a shutter of pleasure " A "shutter" is the object you close to prevent light from entering through the window. Here you meant "shudder".

         *BulletR* Miscellaneous: "The kind of face..." You repeat that twice and in fact I've been misled. You probably meant to say "not the kind of face" because all the descriptions fit someone perfect (model-type).
"And in this case, react as she saw fit, for example" I think that "in this cse" and "for example" convey the same idea here. It sounds a bit redundant. I suggest changing the "for example" part.
"She started to lower herself..." You have "started" in this sentence and the previous one and it sounds quite repetitive. I suggest deleting this one because the sentence works perfectly well without it.

What I had problems with: I thought the beginning was a bit too long and the ending therefore felt rushed. I would have thought that she would say "revenge is so sweet" if she had enjoyed herself immensely. Sure, she had an organsm, but she didn't give the impression of really enjoying this.

What I liked best: The female character. She really has balls. I like strong characters.

Overall impression: A nice story that needs a bit of polishing here and there.

Keep writing!
Jéssica

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
5
5
Review of Faerie Magic  
Review by Jéssica
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello very thankful ,

I would like to comment on your poem "Faerie Magic". I would like you to know that you don't have to agree with what I say. My comments reflect my views and are aimed at making a good piece even better.

Title: fits the content well

Imagery: I liked the simplicity of the descriptions. Sometimes all is needed good details and telling vocabulary and you've done the job. However, you never explained what the faerie magic does.

Errors and suggestions: There are a few things I'd like to say here.

         *BulletR* Structure: I liked the way you chose to depict one aspect of the poem in each stanza, the central element for each stanza being a plant.

         *BulletR* Punctuation: I though it was disappointing to see full stops that broke the rhythm of the poem and would like to suggest the use of commas and semicolons whenever possible.

         *BulletR* Spelling: I didn't spot any spelling mistakes.

What I had problems with: The absence of flow. Only the last two lines are run-on and that's when the poem starts flowing.

What I liked best: The shortness and simplicity of the poem.

Keep writing!
Jéssica
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
6
6
Review by Jéssica
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello David Gere ,

I would like to comment on your story "Corbin the War Child". I would like you to know that you don't have to agree with what I say. My comments reflect my views and are aimed at making a good piece even better.

Title: fits the title well

Characters and plot:

         *BulletR* Characters: Corbin is well developed and I had no problems imagining how he reacted to the war. Though I doubt that an autistic child runs away unless directly threatened (as with the mother wanting to embrace him), I think you needed this to running away in your story. I live with a slightly autistic child and he screams more than he runs away. He also crouches in a corner and covers his ears. But then again, every case is different. I thought the building with the bricks was a good way of showing that something is different with him. I thought that maybe there is no need to tell us directly that he's autistic.

         *BulletR* Plot: The story moves forward and with just a few words we learn so much information about Corbin and his mother. The ending is sad but I liked the fact that Corbin is not aware he is dead.

Imagery: I liked that way you described things from Corbin's point of view. Instead of saying cigarette, you used an image that Corbin would use. I liked that very much.

Errors and suggestions: There are a few things I'd like to point out here.

         *BulletR* Punctuation: I didn't spot any mistakes there.

         *BulletR* Spelling: You edited your story well.

         *BulletR* Miscellaneous: "Boom!" I thought to underline the deafening noise of the blast you could write the word in capitals.
"illuminating a world of a world of rubble" "a world of" is repeated twice.
"The first explosion made him run for cover." Is that before the "present tense", the one where the narration takes place, or is that during the narration? It's not very clear, so I suggest revising. If it's what happenend before the "present" then you should use the past perfect.

What I had problems with: all mentioned in "character".

What I liked best: the smooth transition beween the hell on earth and heaven, where he embraces his mom.

Keep writing!
Jéssica
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
7
7
Review of Forgiveness  
Review by Jéssica
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Jezri ,

I would like to comment on your poem "Forgiveness". I would like you to know that you don't have to agree with what I say. My comments reflect my views and are aimed at making a good piece even better.

Title: fits the title well and actually presents two aspects of forgiveness.

Imagery: "My soul is in shreds, my heart’s been ripped out," I thought this was the best imagery I've read in a long while. Though a bit of a cliché, this shows very well the state of mind of the character.

Errors and suggestions: There are a few things I'd like to point out here.

         *BulletR* Structure: I thought it was a bit disappointing that most of the lines followed the same pattern. Most of the time the sentences were two lines long. You might consider linking your sentences more, using commas and semicolons.

         *BulletR* Punctuation: "The memory of pain still vividly felt,/ whispers to me" You don't need the comma here since the sencond line is not a subordinate sentence that you need to separate from the main clause.
"I fall to my knees, it’s too much to bare" Here a dash after "knees" and "bare" would be good because this acts like an aparté.
"Can’t anyone help, my spirit still shouts." A question mark would be better after help since this is a question more than a statement.

         *BulletR* Spelling: "it’s too much to bare" "bare" like you have written it mean naked. You wanted to say "bear" with the meaning of tolerate.
"I've hid it away all of these years" Unless it's the Americanized version of "hidden", don't ignore the fact that "to hide" is conjugated into hid for the simple past and "hidden" for the past participle.
"The weight of its' burden keeping me low." You don't need the apostrophe after "its".

         *BulletR* Miscellaneous: "His answer came" In the middle of your poem you switch to the past tense and then come back to the present tense in the last couple of lines. Was that intentional? I think it's quite confusing. I had to reread the first lines again to check whether it was just me who was imagining the change in tenses.

What I had problems with: Mainly the change in tenses.

What I liked best: the fact that God forgave the character and made the pain easier to bear.

Keep writing!
Jéssica
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
8
8
Review of Deep Well  
Review by Jéssica
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello WhoMe,

I would like to comment on your poem "Deep Well". I would like you to know that you don't have to agree with what I say. My comments reflect my views and are aimed at making a good piece even better.

Title: fits the content well

Imagery: Your descriptions are precise and make us imagine the scene. Well done!

Errors and suggestions: There are a few things I'd like to point out here.

         *BulletR* Structure: I liked the way you chose to break the poem into stanzas. Each stanza evoques another aspect of the path to finding the well of life.

         *BulletR* Punctuation: The lack of punctuation didn't distract me at all, though usually I like poems with punctuation. But since your lines were short and the breaks at the places where punctuation would have been needed, I didn't feel like I needed more structure here.

         *BulletR* Spelling: I spotted no spelling mistakes.

         *BulletR* Miscellaneous: "The sun does shine" I felt that the "does" is too emphatic here.
"surrounding/ Well of life" I felt that a "the" was needed before "well".

What I had problems with: "Stagnant and treading/ Silently within" Is treading a synonym of stagnant? Or did you want to say that the persona should tread in the water? If the latter, I suggest rewriting these lines for they were confusing.

What I liked best: The theme. The poem is vague enough that this "advice" could be applied to various situations.

Keep writing!
Jéssica
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
9
9
Review by Jéssica
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello SoCalScribe,

I would like to comment on your story "The Gift of Independence". I would like you to know that you don't have to agree with what I say. My comments reflect my views and are aimed at making a good piece even better.

Title: I felt like the title didn't go too well with the content since there is nowhere mentioned that the character was dependent on people.

Characters and plot:

         *BulletR* Characters: I felt the main character was well portrayed and I could imagine his/ her surprise at finding the ley and then discovering that the gift that went with it was a house.

         *BulletR* Plot: I thought the beginning was quite long for such a short story, but then again I think it was necessary to be able to counterbalance the happiness over receiving so many presents with the present of the house.

Imagery: Your descriptions are precise and you give a few details in strategic places. I liked that. You mixed telling and showing adequately.

Errors and suggestions: There are a few things I'd like to say here.

         *BulletR* Punctuation: "...that had left me the package; but I wasn't his only visit." I think the semicolon is wrong here. You should only use a semicolon if you link two complete sentences. The second part is not a complete sentence technically speaking.
"He was a philanthropist of some form or another, who selected people..." You don't need a comma here.

         *BulletR* Spelling: I didn't spot any spelling mistakes.

         *BulletR* Miscellaneous: "where life can return to normal." I think it would be better of you stuck to the past tense, since this is still the narration. "can" should read "could".
"Confused, they explained to me" I thought the "confused" referred to the main character and therefore was a bit confused when I read the rest of the sentence.

What I had problems with: Since I don't know what it feels like to loose everything because of some natural desaster, I felt that the feeling of being uprooted were not strong enough. Maybe you could emphasize this by telling us how his/ her cellar flat looks like so that we get an idea why the house is so important to him/ her.

What I liked best: The fact that the family knew about the present but doesn't know the benefactor either. Nice twist to the tale.

Overall impression: Since this was written for a flash fiction contest I understand that it's difficult to pack all the vital information onto so few words. I think you managed well.

Keep writing!
Jéssica
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
10
10
Review of The Debt  
Review by Jéssica
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Amber Jane,

I would like to comment on your story "The Debt". I would like you to know that you don't have to agree with what I say. My comments reflect my views and are aimed at making a good piece even better.

Title: fits the content well.

Characters and plot:

         *BulletR* Characters: I thought that Cass is a very believable character. Her feelings were well portrayed and I could imagine her. Michael is a nice character too. I thought that he was perfect even, not wanting to sleep with her straight away. He turned out to be differnt to what I had thought.

         *BulletR* Plot: The story was believable and well developped. The end was somewhat a surprise (the not wanting to sleep) but I enjoyed it very much.

Imagery: You involve the senses in your story (mainly sight and hearing), but I would have liked to see more of the other senses involved.

Errors and suggestions: There are a few things I'd like to say here.

         *BulletR* Punctuation: "Closing her jacket tightly and sidestepping the puddles left after the storm she hurried..." The first part of the sentence I quoted here up until "storm" is what is called a subordinate clause and what follows is the main clause. Whenever the subordinate clause precedes the main clause, however short or long it is, you need to separate them with a comma. The same rule applies if the order is main clause > subordinate clause.
"Cass sighed and folded her hands in front of her as if in prayer, "Lina, just tell me what happened" Here, you need a full stop after "prayer". Unless you write "she said" or any synonym, you can't use a comma before staring a direct speech.
"finally Cass looked up and asked,/ "All right, how much is it?"" Here, you started the direct speech on the next line. There is no need for that. You can simply go on on the same line. As long as the punctuation is correct, we still know as readers who's speaking.
"She turned off the lights plunging the room into darkness" Remember the rule I mentioned in the first quote? Well, I could add that whenever the sentence starts with a verb in -ing, then you know it's a subordinate clause, and then you need a comma. You need one after "lights".

         *BulletR* Spelling: "She should have felt relived" It should read "relieved".
"Do you belive me?" It should read "believe".

         *BulletR* Miscellaneous: "The evening's debacle being an extreme but powerful example." This is a subordinate sentence. They can't stand on their own. You can easily link to the previous one with a comma.
"Neither has yet spoken, but finally he broke the silence." Here, you changed tenses in the middle. Unless you state a universal truth, there is no need (for the narration) to switch tenses. So, if you started off with the past tense, then stick to it till the end.

What I had problems with: all mentioned above.

What I liked best: The surprise ending. People are not what you imagine they would be just from hearing people talk about them. Nice surprise an twist.

Keep writing!
Jéssica
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11
11
Review of Hands on Love  
Review by Jéssica
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello played',

I would like to comment on your story "Hands on Love". I would like you to know that you don't have to agree with what I say. My comments reflect my views and are aimed at making a good piece even better.

Title: fits the content well and actually takes the name of the therapist's company's name. That's a clever idea.

Characters and plot:

         *BulletR* Characters: I thought your characters were believable and the not sleeping with one's client is true and well explained in the story. I found Jeff's feelings and perseverance cute.


         *BulletR* Plot: The plot moves forward. having a third character involved in the whole story to arrange the relationship is a good idea. Though Gale is not so well developped, I still grew to like her since she played such a big role in the story without being an important character.

Imagery: Your descriptions are once again precise and I could picture the scenes, but I would have liked to have a bit more similes and metaphores.

Errors and suggestions: There are a few things I'd like to say here.

         *BulletR* Punctuation: "Cream, it doesn't seem to stay as greasy and helps fingers not catch in my hair." I would be better to use a full stop after "cream" since that's a complete statement. You can then go on and start the new sentence. You could also use a semicolon.

         *BulletR* Spelling: "Ok, so the relationship had more than its fair share of problems" While it's not a crime to use ok in your story, especially in direct speech, it's ot good to get confused between the two spelling versions. Either write "OK" or "okay".
"Some times I think gay Tops are more sexually insecure..." "Sometimes" is always written in one word, unless it's "at some times..."
"I seldom had difficulty keeping my thoughts from down right raunchiness during a session." downright is an adjective and should be written in one word since it's not a compound adjective.
"...to let him get off the table and put on some cloths or a towel." "clothes" it should read.

         *BulletR* Miscellaneous: "Jeff was the tall, blonde, muscled but not a gym slave; hairy and friendly smile kind of handsome." This sentence doesn't maek much sense the way it's presented. I suggest revising, using more punctuation and verbs.
"He shrugged and handed me my money." He has already given Trey the money two paragraphs before.
"I don't think of you that way; or of massage therapists that way." I suggest getting rid of the semicolon (it's grammatically incorrect) and replace it with a comma and end the sentence with "for that matter".
"Something everyone should know about massage therapists is that we -do- know all the things to do to get someone really hot and bothered." I suggest using italics for the "do" you want to reinforce. The same applies for the next sentence.

What I had problems with: There was nothing I could mention here since I thoroughly enjoyed the story.

What I liked best: "Did I mention that Jeff was perfect? Yeah, I probably did." I liked the way Trey talks to us twice in the story. It makes the story much more approachable and were really sucked into the story.

Overall impression: A very good story I will not forget so soon.

Thanks for sharing. Keep writing!
Jéssica
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12
12
Review of Fate  
Review by Jéssica
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello played',

I would like to comment on your story "Fate". I would like you to know that you don't have to agree with what I say. My comments reflect my views and are aimed at making a good piece even better.

Title: fits the content well.

Characters and plot:

         *BulletR* Characters: I thought both your characters were very believable and I felt for them when they hurt and was happy with them. Their relationship, though brought about by curiosity and then broken and brought back together by fate, is sweet and believable. Who wouldn't wish for such an ending?.

         *BulletR* Plot: You know when to use telling and when to use showing. I just wish you had insisted a bit more on the background story (showing us how Justin hurt when his wife died) than only using showing for the sex scenes. It would make for a much more dramatic read/

Imagery: Your vocabulary is very precise and I could picture all the scenes easily.

Errors and suggestions: There are a few things I'd like to say here.

         *BulletR* Punctuation: "His hand stroked me slowly; building me up to what I knew would be an explosive climax." The use of the semicolon is incorrect. When using semicolon, you link two complete sentences. Here, a comma would be adequate.

         *BulletR* Spelling: I didn't spot any spelling mistakes.

         *BulletR* Miscellaneous: "I couldn’t wait for him to come back, find out of those fantasies were going to come true." I suggest replacing the comma with "to".
"I really hadn’t seen where this was going." It sounds a bit strange. "where this was going" suggests something that will happen, but it has already happened. I suggest writing "I really hadn't seen this coming."
"I stood up from my chair and pulled him up too." Before you didn't mention that Justin had knelt down or bent forward, so you should do it before you say that.
"My fingertips, sensitized by the soft hair, they found his puckered hole." You don't need "they".
"With that he took my hand and on a tour of my apartment..." There seems to be missing something. I suggest rewriting. "With that he seized my hand and took me on a tour..."

What I had problems with: Maybe the legnth of your sex scenes when compared to the other scenes. You might add a bit more depth to the whole relationship if you develop the other scenes so that we know about the dilemma of telling the other...

What I liked best: "I was in love, the kind of love that doesn’t go away because you will it to." This is my favourite line in the story. Who wouldn't want to feel like that?

Keep writing!!
Jéssica
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13
13
Review of I hate you II  
Review by Jéssica
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello played',

I would like to comment on your story "i hate you II". I would like you to know that you don't have to agree with what I say. My comments reflect my views and are aimed at making a good piece even better.

Title: Still fits the content.

Characters and plot:

         *BulletR* Characters: What an excellent idea to give us Justin's perspective on the events. There was just one thing. At the beginning of the story, Justins thinks that Bryan is gay. What makes him think so? It was mentioned nowhere.

         *BulletR* Plot: This is basically the same story, just seen through the eyes of the other character. You did the other version very well without giving the impression of telling the same story twice. I also liked the insertion of the two sleeping together at the end which you hadn't included in the first one. It gives more depth to the relationship.

Imagery: Being a girl, I don't know what it feels like for a guy, but I think you portrayed the love scene and all the feelings very well. you vocabulary is simple but effective and I like that. You don't mention body parts, but that just adds another dimension to the whole scene. I think one doesn't have to resort to Erotica to write a good love scene.

Errors and suggestions: There are a few things I'd like to point out.

         *BulletR* Punctuation: "Never thought about it, really, you rather I keep the towel on?" I know this is meant to imitate spoken language, but you still have to respect punctuation rules. You would need a full stop after "really".

         *BulletR* Spelling: "she was also as good looking as Bryan." Whenever you use compound adjectives, you need to link the words that form the compound adjective with a hyphen.
"What ever it was, he's the only one who ever did that to me." "Whatever" is always written in one word.

         *BulletR* Miscellaneous: "I couldn't break my eyes from his as he stood up and crossed the gap between our beds." It sounds a bit odd to say "break my eyes off his". Is that some American idiom? I suggest writing "I couldn't take my eyes off his".

What I had problems with: nothing really.

What I liked best: All of it. I wanted to see more loving than was in the first part and my wishes were granted.

Overall impression: I really enjoyed this version of the original story.

Thanks for sharing. Keep writing!
Jéssica
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14
14
Review of i hate you  
Review by Jéssica
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello played',

I would like to comment on your story "i hate you". I would like you to know that you don't have to agree with what I say. My comments reflect my views and are aimed at making a good piece even better.

Title: fits the content so well I couldn't come up with an other title.

Characters and plot:

         *BulletR* Characters: I thought you characters were very well portrayed and I felt that they could be real people in the real world. Bryan's blindness or unconsciousness to Justin's attraction was not at all surprising when the story reached that stage when he noticed since you had given some clues. The only thing that bothered me was when Bryan ruffled Justin's hair. I know they are buddies, that Bryan is older, but if I were Justin, I would be fed up at some point of receiving a gesture normally reserved to kids.

         *BulletR* Plot: The story moved forward. Though there are some jumps in time, it's still good and believable. Sometimes it's not necessary to show everything but telling is important too. You mixed both with much ease.

Imagery: I liked your descriptions very much. You use precise and specific vocabulary. I like that very much.

Errors and suggestions: There are a few things I'd like to point out here.

         *BulletR* Punctuation: "To anyone listening you'd have thought we were "trying to stay quiet," but we weren't, we were communicating on so many levels that words would have ruined it." A colon would come in handy here. You explain what you mean after "but we weren't". When you proceed to describe something in more deatil after mentioning it briefly, a colon is useful. You could also use a semicolon after "weren't".

         *BulletR* Spelling: "My fingers were digging into his shoulders as he lathed around my head..." Shouldn't it be "latched"?

         *BulletR* Miscellaneous: "Taking English 201 while the sun was shining, and there was a soft breeze, and the temperature was 85 degrees, was torture." This sentence doesn't work for two reasons. Your punctuation for the interruption is inadequate. When you use abrupt interruptions in the middle of the sentence, it's best to use dashes. Furthermore, the main clause (first part before the comma and last part after the comma) are separate, which means that the interruption (everything that is in the middle) should be even more apparent. You could try something like: "Taking English 201 while the sun was shining, there being a soft breeze and temperatures of around 85 degrees, was torture.". Or you could use the dash.
"His hands, gripping my hair, were gasping I've wanted this for so long." Firstly, why did you decide to put the interior thoughts in bold? Usually, it's enough to put the in italics. Then, you don't need to include "were gasping" in the bold font.
"have such beautiful eyes." You missed the "you".

What I had problems with: The absence of double spacing. It's really difficult to read it.

What I liked best: The fact that Bryan was oblivious to Justin's feelings for such a long time.

Overall impression: A very good story that had me hooked from beginning to end. I'm looking forward to part 2.

Thanks for sharing. Keep writing!
Jéssica
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15
15
Review by Jéssica
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Moarzjasac ,

I would like to comment on your story "At This Point In Time". I would like you to know that you don't have to agree with what I say. My comments reflect my views and are aimed at making a good piece even better.

Title: fits the content well

Characters and plot:

         *BulletR* Characters: I know it's difficult to develop a story with a maximum of only 2000 words, but I would have liked to have an insight to Max's thoughts.

         *BulletR* Plot: I thought the idea for the story was interesting and what you made of it is good. The story moves forward, and even the director's flashback moves forward.

Imagery: I found your story rather technical (except for the beginning where I could imagine the smell of the "volunteer" in the car. I think a few descriptions towards the end of the story would enliven the story. And how does Max feel when he didn't get his dose of alcohol the next day? Or is he still drugged?

Errors and suggestions: There are a few things I'd like to point out here.

         *BulletR* Punctuation: Whenever there's a character who has a long monologue and you want to start a new paragraph for each thought, then don't close the inverted commas at the end of the paragraph but put them at the beginning of the next one. You only close the inverted commas at the end of the monologue.

         *BulletR* Spelling: You have problems with compound adjectives. A compound adjective is an adjective that is made up of two or more words (adjective + adjective; adjective + noun; adjective + adverb...). Whenever you use a compound adjective, you need to link all the words with a hyphen. eg: "his expensive long sleeved blue silk shirt" In this quote, "long-sleeved" is the compound adjective.

         *BulletR* Miscellaneous: "the Newest Rehab Facility in the Tri-State Area" You repeated that twice in the opening paragraphs. Maybe you could find something else to describe the rehab centre.
Also, in the second paragraph you repeated "deputies" twice when you could have easily replaced the sencond one with "they".

What I had problems with: The feelings that Max must have had when he stopped drinking that you didn't mention.

What I liked best: The ending. Though it's an open ending, we sort of know that Max will succeed.

Keep writing! A well-deserved second place for the "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest"  contest.
Jéssica
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16
16
Review of shudder to think.  
Review by Jéssica
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello joel kenyon,

I would like to comment on your poem "shudder to think". I would like you to know that you don't have to agree with what I say. My comments reflect my views and are aimed at making a good piece even better.

Title: I think I understand where the title comes from, but I don't think it fits the content.

Imagery: I like the way you describe what happen without ever going into details and dwelling on it. You give us a glimpse and then move on to the next detail.

Errors and suggestions:

         *BulletR* Structure: I quite liked the fact that you chose to let the lines flow, but I thought to create a bit more dramatic tension you should write shorter lines (cut the very long sentence into shorter bits) towards the end.

         *BulletR* Punctuation: "the streetlight outisde" outside.
I thought it strange that you would put ... at the end of every line. Why did you choose to do that?

         *BulletR* Spelling: "half swallowed pills" half-swallowed is a compound adjective and that needs a hyphen.

What I had problems with: The end of your poem is quite evasive for me. I'm not sure I understood it. Is she dead? And is he dead too?

What I liked best: The repetition of the first stanza. It's sort of a circle, and after the drama the calm returns, thought the situation is changed (if I have understood the poem correctly).

Keep writing!
Jéssica
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17
17
Review of I Will Know  
Review by Jéssica
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Oasis,

I would like to comment on your poem "I Will Know". I would like you to know that you don't have to agree with what I say. My comments reflect my views and are aimed at making a good piece even better.

Title: The title fits the content well.

Imagery: "I will know, for I will climb/ through iris windows/ and trace the silhouette of me/ etched into you." I wish sometimes I could write like this. This is beautiful writing!

Errors and suggestions: "the elongated sun and moondance/ of my solitude." I had problems with these two lines. They are very beautiful, but I'm afraid I think they are too abstract concepts for a poem that mainly focusses on concrete things (despite metaphores and similes that don't give the impression that the poem deals with concrete things).

What I liked best: The free style of your poem. Instead of forcing the words into structure, you let the structure underline the words.

Overall impression: Actually there is nothing else for me to say than this is an excellent poem. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Thanks for sharing! Keep writing!
Jéssica
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18
18
Review of Beautiful People  
for entry "Chapter 3" 
Review by Jéssica
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello cirby,

I would like to comment on your story "Beautiful People chapter 3". I would like you to know that you don't have to agree with what I say. My comments reflect my views and are aimed at making a good piece even better.

Title: still fits the content.

Characters and plot:

         *BulletR* Characters: I felt like I got to know Lou better thanks to the flashback. The comparison between the female lead and LoraLai is funny.

         *BulletR* Plot: I felt like the flashback took up more space than the story in the present. i know it's not so, but that's the way ot felt. You could maybe think about cutting out some parts to give the impression that the present and not the past are important.

Errors and suggestions: There are a few things I'd like to point out here.

         *BulletR* Punctuation: "What I did was to say, “Oh, hi”." You know how to write good dialogue with all the punctuation in the correct places. But here and in the next paragraph you put the full stop outside of the inverted commas.

         *BulletR* Spelling: "I intended to spend the entire day in side the house anyway." "inside" is written in one word.
"I guess to give the affect that it was actually packed full of aloe vera." To "affect" is when something touches you emotionally. An effect is a result. I also suggest changing the structure of the sentence a bit: "I guess to give the effect/ impression of being packed with aloe vera."
"He never did hook-up with Malorie." You don't need the hyphen. Verbs don't have hyphens (not that I know of).

         *BulletR* Miscellaneous: "but some of the frustration I had had dissipated." It is distracting to have twice the same verb. Maybe replace the first "had" with "felt".
"And you’re just laying here like this." "to lay" is not the same as "to lie". Basically, to lay is the action and to lie the state of inactivity. eg: I'm lying on the bed. I lay down an hour ago.
"was getting married to a guy that also worked there." I know that lots of people use "that" in the same way you did in your sentence, but it's spoken language. In written language, you'd better write "who".
"I gathered up all my stuff and went sat at the airport." One verb is too much at the end.

What I had problems with: I found that the teenage attitude was not so well portrayed. Yes, teens tell the harsh truth without caring for the consequences, but they also despise their parents and don't even want to talk to them. And I think that 14 is the perfect age for that. So, if you don't want to portray that constant fight, then you should give the reader a reason.

What I liked best: The tension between Keith and Lou. That could be a good way to introduce some drama in your story later on when they know each other better (I suppose that will inevitably happen sooner or later) and the arrival of the ex.

Overall impression: A very nice chapter. I'm waiting for the next one.

Keep writing!
Jéssica
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19
19
Review of Beautiful People  
for entry "chapter 2" 
Review by Jéssica
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello cirby,

I would like to comment on your story "Beautiful People chapter 2". I would like you to know that you don't have to agree with what I say. My comments reflect my views and are aimed at making a good piece even better.

Title: still fits the content.

Characters and plot:

         *BulletR* Characters: The mum is funny. However, I would have liked to know what she looks like. What colour is her hair? When the two look in the mirror, it's the perfect moment to let us see what her mother and the narrator look like.

         *BulletR* Plot: The story moves somewhat forward. I found it funny that you chose to present us with the mother in that way. However, I'm wondering what role she will play in the reunion of the narrator and the ex. If she will play a role, then the inroduction was well done because it shows how the mom might be playing the match maker or something like that.

Imagery: I would have liked a bit more description of the house and the neighbour. Not knowing The Little House in the Prairie at all, though I've heard of it and the Ingalls, I think a brief physical description would have been nice. Something along the lines of "He looked at me with his big blue eyes that looked so much like x's..." might do the trick.

Errors and suggestions: There are a few things I'd like to say here.

         *BulletR* Punctuation: "“Hello” I said, and looked upward..." You need some kind of punctuation after "hello".
"The fact is the vision of Terry Bradshaw standing..." The use of a comma is advisable after "is".
"I cringed wondering what kind of things she said..." A comma after "cringed" is required. Whenever there is a subordinate sentence beginning with a verb in -ing, then you need to use a comma before that sentence.

         *BulletR* Spelling: "Your home early." "Your" is the possessive (eg: your book) and "you're" is short for you are.
"at the end-of-summer-sale last year." You don't need the last hyphen in end-of-year sale, since sale is not part of the compound adjective, but it's the noun that's being described.
"..Michael Landon, but some one who looked just like him." "someone" is always written in one word.
"This just made my red rippled skin look even worse." You need a hyphen for "red-rippled" because it's the compound adjective.
"“He really is very nice looking.”" "nice-looking" is another compound adjective.
"to soak in some cool sudsy water to sooth it." the verb you wanted to use it spelled "soothe".
"I was use to humiliation. " "used to" it should read.

         *BulletR* Miscellaneous: "I only hope that whoever has moved in has a good marriage." There is another instance where you jumped to the present tense instead of staying with the past tense.
"I came to a sudden stop when I entered a room." I believe you wanted to say "the room".

What I had problems with: nothing really.

What I liked best: The funny scene with the mom. She seems like a an interesting and very open character. I suppose she could talk with her daughter about sex...

Overall impression: A nice and easily readable chapter.

Keep writing!
Jéssica
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20
20
Review of Beautiful People  
for entry "Chapter 1" 
Review by Jéssica
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello cirby,

I would like to comment on your story "Beautiful People". I would like you to know that you don't have to agree with what I say. My comments reflect my views and are aimed at making a good piece even better.

Title: Fits the content well.

Characters and plot:

         *BulletR* Characters: I found the female character very believable and realistic. I could relate to her anxiety and frustration over her mother and daughter.

         *BulletR* Plot: At the beginning, I was wondering where the story was going when you related most of the female lead's past. But then the plot started moving when the ex is mentioned. To avoid having a stagnating passage, I suggest shortening it dramatically or to mention all that information bit by bit throughout the chapter or the book.

Imagery: I liked the way your character is both down-to-earth with approaching life and somewhat ironic/ sarcistic. My favourite quote is "Their combined waist sizes are still probably smaller than my left thigh." You don't use a lot of metaphores or similes, but I still like your style. It's very approachable.

Errors and suggestions: There are a few things I'd like to point out here.

         *BulletR* Punctuation: "it has been over twenty years since I have seen him so..." You need a comma after "him".
"...while I was driving home thus killing two birds with one stone." A comma after "home" is needed, since thus introduces a subordinate sentence.

         *BulletR* Spelling: "was usually the center-of-attention everywhere he went." You only use hyphens in all cases of compound adjectives and for some nouns (they are rather an exception to the rule of combined nouns). Centre of attention should not have hyphens.
"where as subnormals live so others can have a better life." "whereas" is always written in one word.
"Franticly panicking" Did you want to write "frantically"?

         *BulletR* Miscellaneous: "I found out that my old boyfriend Jason is coming into town." Make sure that in your narration you don't change tenses in the middle of your story. You shouldn't have switched to the present here.

What I had problems with: As mentioned in "plot", I thought that the whole past of the narrator is a bit too much in the opening chapter. I suggest dividing the whole background story and mention a few facts here and there.

What I liked best: The comical aspect of your story. I think comedy and drama would be good genres to add in the description.

Overall impression: A carefully edited story that reads smoothly and had me interested.

Thanks for sharing. Keep writing!
Jéssica

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21
21
Review by Jéssica
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Christinadaltro,

I would like to comment on your story "e-love chapter 1". I would like you to know that you don't have to agree with what I say. My comments reflect my views and are aimed at making a good piece even better.

Title: fits the content well.

Characters and plot: I would like to point out some things here.

         *BulletR* Characters: In the beginning and the middle of this chapter, I could feel all the feelings Christina felt and I felt happy with her, but after she stepped out on the balcony all these feelings were crashed. I don't think someone would think like that. It feels more like you writer are talking to us, teaching us something ("You are the only writer of your story because you are your own storyteller.") I know that you don't address the reader directly, but that's what it sounds like). Plus, the long paragraphs destroyed the elation the reader and character feel.

         *BulletR* Plot: You story moves forward until Christina steps out on the balcony. The storyline progressed smoothly until then and the thoughts Christina had were very believable. I could see where the novel was heading.

Imagery: "a cold feeling in your stomach, goose bumps all over your body; a tiny voice in your head and maybe in your ears, so close, a slight touch on your shoulder; a breath in the shoulders, a gust of air, a movement, or a message on-line... could change your life forever." How well observed. With very simple words you just described all the simple things that can change our lives for better. Falling in love is just so sweet.

Errors and suggestions: There are a few things I'd like to point out.

         *BulletR* Punctuation: "Oh, my God," Whenever you have an order or an exclamation, you need to use an exclamation mark. These are the only instances when you should use an exclamation mark. The following quote from your story contains an exclamation mark. "She screamed in delight again!" I understand why you used it: to underline what you wrote. But let the words speak for themselves.
"Today was a holiday therefore, no teaching but relaxing at home especially when it was raining so hard;..." It would be better here to resort to a colon. A colon is used when you list something and/or when you explain something. The usual way a colon is used is when you describe a movement from the general to the specific. Here, the general would be the holiday, and the specific the specific. To give us the list, its would be more approachable with a colon.
"Was it the right moment to open her little heart, again?" You don't need the comma here.
I also wanted to point out that conventionally letters and e-mails (any pieces of writing that are part of the story but that are written by the characters) are put in a different font or in italics.

         *BulletR* Spelling: I didn't spot any spelling mistakes.

         *BulletR* Miscellaneous: "soft words, soft kisses and hard, soft skin" The way the words are writte, the skin is soft and hard at the same time. Is that what you wanted to say?
"full of different types of flowers and beautiful orchids" This is quite redundant.

What I had problems with: At times, your sentences read like chunks and words thrown in at random instead of flowing sentences. I don't know if that was on purpose, but I had problems reading that and had to go back several times.

What I liked best: Your character Christina is so similar to me - except that I'm not 56. But she has very believable fears.

Overall impression: With a little polishing and changing your staccato sentence structur, the reading will be more pleasant.

Keep up the good work!
Jéssica
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22
22
Review of Susana  
Review by Jéssica
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello turlemoon,

I would like to comment on your poem "Susana". I would like you to know that you don't have to agree with what I say. My comments reflect my views and are aimed at making a good piece even better.

Title: Fits the content very well.

Imagery: Wow! The metaphores are exquisite. That's what I produce in my moments of utter inspiration (which are qite rare). " Warmest mango-hued moments" is without any doubt my favourite image. I can almost taste the mangoes...

Errors and suggestions: There are only few things I'd like to point out.

         *BulletR* Structure: I loved how you structured your poem. The first three stanzas depict a movement from day to evening to night. Then the cataclysm in a stanza that is not structured at all. The fourth announces hope and the last describes a circle and mirrors the first stanza.

         *BulletR* Punctuation: "Night's revel faded into dismal fog." I felt like a dash would better convey the idea of being lost in the fog.
"Susana reclaimed!" You should only use exclamation marks with orders or exclamations. This felt wrong, even if I understand that you tried to follow a structure. The same applies for the exclamation marks in stanza four.

         *BulletR* Spelling: I didn't spot any spelling mistakes.

What I had problems with: nothing apart from the misused exclamation marks.

What I liked best: The hope in stanza 5 and the return to better times. This is not a poem I will forget so soon.

Keep writing!
Jéssica
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23
23
Review of Why Am I This Way  
Review by Jéssica
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Amire Ryter,

I would like to comment on your poem "Why Am I This Way?". I would like you to know that you don't have to agree with what I say. My comments reflect my views and are aimed at making a good piece even better.

Title: The title caught my attention because I wrote something similar.

Imagery: Your poem is quite deep and would be even deeper with the right metaphores here and there.

Errors and suggestions: There are a few things I'd like to point out.

         *BulletR* Structure: I liked how you broke the poems into stanzas of four lines, that pattern being interrupted at strategical moments.

         *BulletR* Punctuation: "to my demise,// Why?" Because "Why?" is in another stanza, and because it's the beginning of a new sentence, I suppose a full stop after "demise" would be more appropriate.
"releasing what’s inside,/ In an attempt to" The sentence would flow much better if there was no comma after "inside".
"leaving no sublimes" I suppose a full stop at the end of that line would be good.
"Or my drive to do things on my own, I really can’t decide………" It's quite acceptable to use other marks of punctuation than commas in the middle of a line. If you want to start a new sentence in the middle of a line, then do. I suggest replacing the comma with a question mark.
"So I pray for GOD’s assistance then ignore his help" I think a comma after "assistance" would be good, since "then" introduces another sentence.
"I suffer from the pain" A semicolon after "pain" would be very good. A semicolon is used when you want to link two sentences but you don't want the link to be too weak (that would be by using a comma) neither too strong (that would be a full stop). The only thing you have to remember when using a semicolon is that you can only link complete sentences.
"evil’s in my brain" You need a full stop at the end of the line.
"I’m puzzled and confused,/ I wish I could explain" Here is another instance where you could use a semicolon after "confused".
"But if I don’t know why I’m this way how can I truly change?" This line would be easier to read if there were a comma after "way".
"But as it stands now; my quest is a disaster………" Here, the semicolon is not correctly used. You didn't link two complete sentences. A comma is required.

         *BulletR* Spelling: I didn't spot any spelling mistakes. You edited your poem well.

         *BulletR* Miscellaneous: "I look at the mirror" Wouldn't it be better to say "I look in the mirror"?

What I had problems with: Because of the lack of consistent punctuation, I didn't feel like I enjoyed the poem for true its value. In some places the poem didn't flow at all and in others it flowed too much, so much so that I thought "where does one sentence end and another begin?"

What I liked best: Your take on the subject. It's fresh in it's approach.

Keep writing! And welcome to Writing.Com.
Jéssica

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24
24
Review of Karma  
Review by Jéssica
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello again Triv,

I would like to comment on your story "Karma". I would like you to know that you don't have to agree with what I say. My comments reflect my views and are aimed at making a good piece even better.

Title: fits the content well.

Characters and plot:

         *BulletR* Characters: Once again I found that the characters were well developped. However, I would have liked to have a little more description of the girl when he first saw her. The only description we get is that she looks sad.

         *BulletR* Plot: The story moves well and you chose well to tell some passages and to show others. The transitions between both are smooth.

Imagery: The story focusses more on the relationship than on descriptions of Nature and the surroundings. Your description of how one feels when in love is well done. I could indentify with that. I would have liked once more to have some other senses involved, and at the beginning and at the end might be a good place to do that, for the narrator is in the real world and not in 7th heaven (I hope the meaning of what I want to say is clear). If not, feel free to ask.

Errors and suggestions: there are a few things I'd like to point out.

         *BulletR* Punctuation: "A small smile lit up her face making it more enchanting." You need a comma after "face", since the verb that follows is an -ing" verb, and that's when you need to put a comma before that sentence to indicate that what follows is a subordinate sentence.
"I had to do something but what?" Here too you need a comma after "but".
"All I did was, be with her." The comma is superfluous.

         *BulletR* Spelling: I didn't spot any spelling mistakes.

         *BulletR* Miscellaneous: "We eventually bid adieu to each other..." I know that sometimes when a word from a foreign language is included into another, the meaning can change radically. Knowing French, I can say with confidence that "adieu" is the equivalent of "farewell" in English. I think that is too strong for people who say goodbye.
"I felt the connection grow between us gradually." I would change the place of the adverb "gradually".

What I had problems with: "but she stood up and literally screamed, “You are not going to call anyone. Just look after me now." I think that is out of character. You could maybe lessen her outburst.
Also, I had problems with the last two paragraphs, but I can't put a finger on it.

What I liked best: The idea that the two characters were meant for each other. Though the ending is sad, I still liked the story very much.

Overall impression: Once again a very sweet story.

Keep writing!!
Jéssica

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25
25
Review by Jéssica
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello triv,

I would like to comment on your story "Turbulence in the Hills". I would like you to know that you don't have to agree with what I say. My comments reflect my views and are aimed at making a good piece even better.

Title: fits the content very well. Though it gives the story away as far as the natural catastrophe is concerned, it doesn't do so with the end of the story.

Characters and plot: I was gripped by this story, and I want to tell you why.

         *BulletR* Characters: I felt like I knew the narrator from the beginning. The way you gave us her thoughts was very well done. Though usually I like stories with dialogue, your story would have been killed by too much dialogue. The beauty is in your descriptions.

         *BulletR* Plot: The story is about a busride in the mountains and an emotional trip. I found the emotional trip as fascinating, if not more so when I read the ending, as the busride. The end, where the two part, didn't astonish me at all; it's more discovering that the narrator was a woman. I thought that was a nice twist to the story and it was very well executed because I never guessed that.

Imagery: I loved your descriptions of the Indian landscape. I've never been there, but I can imagine what it's like a bit better now. The only thing that I found your story lacked was involving other senses than view and hearing. I would have liked to read about the smell of the rain and the touch of her skin and such things.

Errors and suggestions: There are quite a few things I'd like to point out here.

         *BulletR* Punctuation: "the 25 acres of emerald green land that had been my dad’s pride..." I don't think ... is a good device to end a sentence unless someone, in direct speech, doesn't finish a sentence (without being interrupted of course). I would simply put a full stop at the end. You used this device several times.
"This was not the Ooty I had left behind!" There are two rules for the use of the exclamation mark. 1) for an order (Come in!); 2) to express surprise, joy, anger or such feelings that are very stong (Oh! How beautiful!)
"The ticket clerk, a surly lady informed me..." You need a comma after "lady", to cut off the extra information that is not necessary to the whole story. The same applies after "name" in the next sentence. "Vinod, for that was the caretaker’s name took out an ancient key"
"The girl next to me was watching our exchange intently but by the blank look she had, I realized that..." You need a comma after "intently".
"“Nina”, she said." With the little dialogue you have, this mistake almost passed unnoticed. But I saw it... Whenever you write dialogue, all the punctuation at the end of the dialogue needs to be inside the inverted commas. eg: "I'm Nina," she said./ "Get lost!" she said. Even though there is a ! in the direct speech, you need to continue with a small letter, unless what follows isn't a sentence with the verb "said" or any synonym in it.
"She was even more beautiful this close - her shapely nose, beautifully shaped ears, the most glorious jet black her all the way to her shoulders." A colon would be more appropriate after "close". A colon is used primarily to list things. The idea is to go from the genral to the specific. Here, the general would be "she's beautiful" and then you elaborate on her beauty after a colon. Plus, you made a spelling mistake with "hair".
"probably to silence the silence around him?" There is no need for a question mark here.
"She sat herself on the single-seater sofa, the only other furniture in the room with a book." You need a comma after "room", otherwise the sentence doesn't make sense.

         *BulletR* Spelling: "no hope of the sun ever peeking through the moisture laden blanket of clouds." When you use a compound adjective (two words that are combined and form an adjective), then you need to link these two words with a hyphen. "moisture-laden" it should read. There are some more occurrences of that mistake.

         *BulletR* Miscellaneous: "The steady drizzle had now turned into quite a downpour now." You wrote "now" twice.
"pristine & untouched by the absence of tourists & numerous tea plantations" I would replace "&" with "and".
"“Sorry. no blankets are available. They are not dry and this weather is not allowing them to dry”, and disappeared." There are several errors in this sentence. The most flagrant is the "and disappeared" at the end. You need to say something along the lines of "he said" before that.
"I arrived home around 5 in the evening." While it's okay to give the time in figures (eg: at 7 o'clock/ at 7 A.M.), it's not acceptable to do that when there's no indication of time. You have to write 5 in letters in this case.

What I had problems with: Nothing. I truly enjoyed the story and will come back for more if there are more stories in your port.

What I liked best: The twist at the end.

Overall impression: A very good story. The only reason I can't give you 5 stars is because of the mistakes you've made.

Keep enchanting us with your stories!
Jéssica

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