Love the opening. Separate the paragraphs, making it easier on the eye of the reader.
7th line down - did you mean in me or with me?
Watch for periods, comma's etc.
The story is great. I hope you will slowly go over it, read it out loud applying the correct puntuation marks as you go. I wait to see the finished product. You're Good!!
Jay {item 1015459}
Thank you so very much. Many people fail to look at the unusual things that happen, and give God the glory. As a grandmother, and mother I have expereinced the hand of God over our family OFTEN. He said He would NEVER leave ofr forsake us - He's good to His Word.
I enjoyed tyhe suspense. Though I was left with many questions. Was he dreaming, what did the voice bellow, To see a face and fuigure in front of him - could it be part of himself? Why were the people killed?
For me, I would like to know a little more about the character. If it is death, I'm still in the dark. I love a mystery, but not very good at solving or coming to a conclusion by myself.
This kept my attention. It was very descriptive, but I was expecting something totally different, and I wasn't quite ready for the end - don't know why. Nor was I ready for the 'they were going home.'
Some grammer things like there for their; the tent itself was consisted of...prison or home, how, why?
To me this was a learning experience. I've never been able to put any complete anything together in less than 1000 words. The punctuation was good too. Thanks for giving me something to work on and with. Jay
My mouth was watering the whole time. Thank you for carrying me a most delicious chocolate journey of taste.
I don't know what I was expectingfrom the ending, maybe that when she finally read the note that it wasn't meant for her. Or maybe that she could have been taking a risk eating it without knowing where it came from.
To read and see, and smell, and feel the essence of the soul and honor of a man and his music. Thank you
I love music, so I can relate to it taking one to the stars.
The ending strangely not surprising to experience the aloneness/sadness of too many bodies of great men of talen and vision, who have hung from Oak, Elm or Maple trees.
I don't know what all the words mean, but they are added beauty to your work.
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The story tells alot; pain, low self-esteem, unrealistic expectations of someone else, and fear of looking to the future for brighter days. I like the fist sentence, 'Life unfairly carried on today.' Yep, there are days like that.
I'm hopin' that's what you wanted to portray. I'll be looking for more of your writing, Thanks.
It is very intriguing, and different. Would like to see more explanation toward the end as to the actual being (light, darkness), whatever they may be.
I think you could take this even futher than you have.
Just a few grammatical - 'i' things like that, speech, 'they has all been taken from me....'. Very good, and thank you. Blessings, Jay
PLEASE, get out of my business (smiles). You came so close and have been so honest about things I've been feeling, and TOO much of a coward to put on paper. Thank you for sharing.
You bring out some excellent points, and it is well written.
I think we don't spend enough time either showing our youth, or talking about what it takes to keep friendships strong. I hope to read more in your portfolio as you build it up. Blessings, Jay
Hi,
I hope you continue to think for yourself, and not be rushed into a life changing decision.
In your story, I would have liked more for you to put descriptions of the girls. You write vividly, I can see the cafateria scene and all of you around the table. Thank you.
Wow, Powerful, and deep felt. Thank you for saying what many think and don't say. I loved the style you wrote in. Real nice the way you put the 'projects and ghetto in a box,' for truly they are.
I only have one question, and that's about the 'So where does that leave us black?' Sometimes I'm a little slow, but is there something missing there. If not please, if you would, explain that part to me. Thanks again, and many Blessings, Jay
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