Norksquad - This has an element of sadness to it with the verse regarding cancer. The most dreaded medical 6-letter word in our vocabulary. It is no respector of persons or stature. I myself was exposed to the possibility by a shockingly irresponsible physician.
The 5th verse is my favorite, the third line in particular. The fourth line is the slam-dunk!
I have produced a documentary-style piece regarding Christmas you might be interested in reviewing. It's guaranteed not to leave you "all warm and fuzzy".
I plan to release it this coming Sunday 11/13/05, exactly 6 weeks from Christmas. My friends here are concerned about this sites's reaction, my only concern to obey the prodding of the Holy Spirit.
I've read you several times before and I would appreciate your opinion. It's a little long but you know how time flys when one is being educated. It has a "He who has ears, let him hear" mentality to it.
Sunday, approximately the ninth hour. (3:00 p.m.)
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Christian - I love your name! Your handle is also indicitive of your pet genre as you disclosed. This piece shouts 'honesty' and you have made friends by those admissions alone!
It's regrettable that you proclaim no bend towards poetry, for that is my strength. The "meter maid" and sometimes "meter madness" poet that is "cadence crazy" and a "flow fairy". Hey, it's all good!
I will still invite you to my house (port) and suggest you start with "Love Like No Other" then wing a review just as an excercise in writing.
Then you can concentrate on "the guys" (K & D)stumbling upon a Zena-type on their next campaign.
His princess - Indeed you are, young lady, indeed you are!
You might want to consider the following corrections; Any references to His Holiness is ALWAYS capped. You have in this piece, 10 instances of "you" or "your" that is not capped. I'm sure that was an oversight.
6th line - "wispers" should be "whispers"
6th & 7th line has "i" should be "I". (Cap)
8th line - "I fell your ... should be "feel" This is the only line that did not receive ending punctuation.
Either a period or exclamation point, your call.
What comes through here is your F A I T H ! You confess to not knowing things but, you believe in Him and His love for you.
Ms J Renee North - G L O R Y to G O D !!! There is such beauty in this piece! You are a Child of the Most High! And does it ever GLOW right here, in this item at Writing.Com, for sooooooo many to see!
This site is such a magnificent forum to lead others to the Greatest Story Ever Told. But you already know that.
I'm so thrilled you are here. I am working on a piece right now, that will shock and strike some of this membership deeply, it's entitled Dec. 25th - Really Means What?
Please visit my house (portfolio) around Thanksgiving for its completion. It's gonna' ruffle a lot of feathers, but I am led to provide this information. After 3 years of study, I am convinced of its validity and made my decision accordingly.
I would be interested in your opinion and comments.
MR. DOBBINS - The last roll of toilet paper in my house and I had to use the little that was left for blowing my nose after reading this streamer.
You can do it all, sir and so momumentally well. Not only well done but you imprint the reader's brain, pretty powerful stuff you've been anointed with! Surely you know from where it came.
Gotta'make a grocery store trip before my house wakes, God bless you Ed, you're an angel!
Mr. Fogle/Silverhand - The teaser is your lure, as it will certainly attract the readers you wish to entertain.
There are some technical errors you will surely want to correct: 2nd Para - Last sentence - In fact "whoever" he strolled this orange ocean, it always, . . .
Shouldn't that be "whenever"?
5th Para - 4th sentence - . . . the secrets of farming 'too' him . . .
That should be "to".
Then there is a duplication of the description of the pumpkin patch. 1st time we read "orange ocean" is used in the 2nd paragraph, then the second time in the 6th paragraph, "ocean of bright orange". I would change one of the "ocean's" to carpet, or covering or blanket or quilt, you get the idea.
Mr./Ms Smith - Allow me to W E L C O M E you to Writing.Com. A writer's ultimate playground and a place of refuge for your brimming ideas and talents. You'll become addicted but this addiction will just make you a better writer as you hone and polish various points of interest.
This is wonderfully spooky and just in the nick of time. Fire is normally FINAL but you have seen something in the gassy light and the haunted seed is planted in your reader's mind's eye.
This could be a Prologue/Preface for a short story or even a novel.
Is there more to this 3 stanza poem? Could you elaborate on this teaser?
It Was An Honest Mistake - First and most importantly, W E L C O M E to Writing.Com. This will become your favorite literary playground on the InterNet. You'll never reget clicking onto this site as numerous friends you'll make and value!
Let's look at some points of interest; First Para: 1st
line, "Sunday's" does not need an apostrophe.
8th Para: 1st sentence - that "glance" should be past tense, insert a 'd' on the end, then lower-case "He".
2nd sentence - Should be "got" home.
9th Para: 2nd sentence, should be "glanced".
Now the jump in storyline flow from the 9th paragraph to the 10th paragraph is really bumpy, try not to make your reader use their imagination, that's why they are reading you, so you will do it for them. After all, you are the entertainer here. Why would you be sleeping in the diner? That begs the question, were you sleeping from the beginning? It's too confusing.
So when did the Stranger enter the diner or is it the dream?
For me, the entire 10th paragraph is out of kilter with the preceding storyline. Unless you are Stanley Kubrick, your connection must be fathomable.
11th paragraph - the jacket being opened would have splashed some water in your face but not sprayed it. A little more attention to your adjectives.
The remaining paragraphs suggest a nightmare is being experienced by your character and in the last line, you end with, "I realized it still wasn't the end".
Mr. Guscommon - First of all, W E L C O M E to Writing.Com, a writer's paradise as you will soon discover for yourself.
This is wonderful overall, but there is one misspelled word I'm sure you'll want to correct. Third line, should be speech, not speach.
Your assessment of your 'dream girl' is highly descriptive and vivid in the reader's eye. Such care and emotion went into the creation of her.
Such feelings about a playmate and soulmate deserve a standard that, for me, would exclude the one expletive you used. It's simply out of place and dilutes the power of your piece.
However, it is yours, you own it and it will stand as you wish!
Your real life partner could possibly become jealous of this 'dream girl'. Any female would covet knowing she was the inspiration for this piece!
Cassie - First of all, W E L C O M E to Writing.Com!!!
Best decision you'll ever make for an online writer's paradise. You'll never regret becoming a member.
This story was smooth. No slaggy spots to wade through. Well crafted and well told. You were cool under pressure and were able to place into action your training. I'm sure Management is beaming over your handling of the situation.
Then the way you handled the grandmother was the highlight for me! You're an asset to that bank and I wish for you the best!
Again, nice to have you here, take your time and see all this enormous site has to offer.
SM - As always you provide roads, avenues and highways to ensure our Writing.Com experience is high-lighted and enjoyed to the max.
Another door that opens wide for new friendships, new respect from old friends and an association with a site that is classy, all the way.
In hindsight, I'm thrilled that AOL treated me sooo badly, otherwise I never would have looked for another poetry "home".
I pray for this site, because it offers anyone a creative refuge that encourages respect for all its members. You have been a God-send for many writers and it's sooo easy to ask God for your continued success and growth!
MiaAkasha - First and foremost, W E L C O M E T O
W R I T I N G.C O M ! ! ! You are going to love this place! Psst .... you might even become addicted, I have!
First word - is not Loosing but rather, Losing
greatful, you meant 'grateful'.
Next to last Para: 4th sentence - Try it this way;
"It was going to be a quick, fast meal, then off to get Daddy clean clothes." Smoother.
Last Para: There is a bracket after up, omit that. The entire sentence is too long. Try re-writing it, emotion has taken over your skill at this point so try again.
stevecbald - Talk about a teaser! This should get you a ton of nibbles. Almost sounds like that old adage, "If it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is."
Then on the other hand, if you don't receive the hits you have projected then it's due to surfers becoming educated and really savvy about online offers and deals "too lucrative to pass up".
Should this be a legitimate deal then I wish for you the best!
It certainly is strange and tainted with a ominous foreboding that was still imminent when you traveled that path without your Dad.
Your Dad's explanation of what caused the spark was creative and maybe what was told to him as a child.
I realized my own respiration increased as I read your account of "something rise up from the pile" and the queasiness in our gut when we think someone is watching us! C R E E P Y ! Then the sheer horror of hearing something behind you as you ran away!
OK, Okay! We're adults, right? It had to be a fawn, or feral hog or a Gaint Rabbit, agree?
Really scary, CP! Glad it was you and NOT me! LOL!
Your assessment of it now, years later, may ease your mind but "that dog don't hunt"!
turtlegreen - This is pretty haunting, and I'm not sure exactly what is happening starting at the second stanza.
The third stanza is psychologically traumatizing for me as an adult - it's absolutely c h i l l i n g !
I want to know who the visitor is. Seems she is a relation, is the vagueness part of the scenario? Is Mama deceased?
The last verse is also Twilight Zone scary. You managed to be frightening in a non-threatening kind of way.(for adults) But as a child living this is has/had to be a nightmare of paramount proportions.
Ummmm,....thanks for giving me chillbumps deluxe!
Trembling still,
Stormy
Gee, where ARE my manners? I plum forgot to
W E L C O M E you to the best writers playground on the Net! You are in for a literary treat!
braveblyu - WOW! What a study of discomfort! We have all been there, maybe not in the dead of night or even in a car, but we all have experienced this piece!
So well done! Descriptive, desperate, uncomfortable and unsociable without intention. The last line, my favorite, is superb!
What a time to become a member! It's Birthday Celebrations here at Writing.Com. The mood is light and very happy. We have the StoryMaster & StoryMistress to thank for this incomparable playground. You'll feel that way too, soon!
Rix - Superb! Highly entertaining for the football fetish that I, myself have.
What an exquisite set of coincidences, that will naturally reinforce the board's power and authenticity.
For me, those players in that particular contest were especially "hungry" for success and their sheer tenacity and scanning mode expertise is the catalyst that insured their victory.
So expertly written, Rix, you come through as a real player's wife!
Kenzie - Such a masterful work is obviously the work of your Master, Our Father.
Oh, Oh, Oh. This took my breath away and produced immediate tears,. . . Kenz, the neck/kiss ritual was indeed the Holy Spirit in you, taking the authority of binding (and loosening) that He has promised us, we can!
This is also about your putting into PRACTICE, those things that are not, as though they ARE, in Jesus Sacred Name. Such faith that you, Marilyn McKenzie, know His promises are real and you fear not the application of them. You actively are using those promises because you KNOW you can with glorious results.
Your confidence in who you are as a Child of the Most High, sparkles like His best diamond in our night sky.
What a magnificent piece on Love and the Power that comes from it!
Zoo - Thanks to my incredible choice of words, your framework turned into hysterical fun and I will pass it around to friends who don't have a computer.
Again, the further I go with these crazy mad-libs the more humor I enjoy.
They seem to get better and better, plus I'm thinking more along the line of the titles.
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The most dreaded medical 6-letter word in our vocabulary. It is no respector of persons or stature. I myself was exposed to the possibility by a shockingly irresponsible physician.
