whome - I don't know if you realize what a tour de force this is!!!!!!! You have just united the world's three largest religions in one poetic swoop! How radiantly this gem sparkles!
It's almost midnight here in Houston and was heading to bed but I'm good for another couple hours now!
The piece is 7, (**and you know Whose favorite number that is, right?**) SEVEN MIGHTY VERSES and I can't quite decide on my favorite one.
I ** L O V E D ** T H I S ** P I E C E !
God Bless You! I'm placing this one on Public Review so other members can see your .
Thank you.
Storm
COME ** TO ** MY ** TEI-PEI!
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Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1140341 by Not Available.
There’s not much to say to the family’s child you killed or to the family that cares about you, I mean, what does it matter when your six feet under and rotting away.
Should be: There's not much to say to the "child's family that" you killed OR - There's not much to say to the family of the child you killed or to the family that cares about you.(period) I mean,(comma)what does it matter when you're six feet under and rotting away?{question mark)
Should be "you're" or "you are"
I truly wish I could find someway to express my sorrow and agony but I really don’t find that possible,(comma) to put so much feeling in something like Mozart on the piano.
Should be:some way (two words)
comma after possible.
The last 12 words are a little confusing when placed in context with the preceeding text.
I could since the fear pouring off of them.
Should be:"sense" omit "of".
the person’s family I killed will ever find it in them to forgive me but,(comma) it really doesn’t seem to matter as much as it had three months ago.
Should be:"themselves"
“ May god forgive you”
Should be:delete the space between the quotation mark and the M.
All references to His Holiness is capped. "God"
I slipped into a Simi-coma and then all my thoughts and emotions faded away into a black pit.
Should be: semi-consciousness
There are some corrections to be made with your item.
Once you make these, I'll cheerfully re-rate this piece.
It's unfortunate that the flow of a story is always marred by errors, no writer wants that flow-energy blocked or interupted by mistakes.
We all have learned valuable points at this incredible site - that includes me.
Storm
T E L L ** M E ** Y O U R ** T A L E
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Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1140341 by Not Available.
The first hint of spring and a canoe trip was planned. Their excitement was infectious and soon me and Jeremy were both as eager for the expedition as two trusting kids could be.
That should be Jeremy and I
There was a wonderful lady who lived there. None of us had ever met before but I only realize that in looking back. She greeted and invited us into her home as if we were old friends and not a bedraggled, wet looking family of maniacs.
I really love this passage! From a child's perspective, priceless!
Delightful! Why not get Jeremy to write his version? You might have fun with that and be forced to share with Writing.Com!
Storm
O P E N ** F O R ** R E V I E W !
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Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1141125 by Not Available.
When everything you’ve know changes in swift, to what do you refer for understanding?
The first part of this sentence is incomplete, plus that should be "known". "Changes in swift" what?
But when one is pulled from under you the other no longer matters. Who was I at that pointing time?
Should be "point in time?"
Just on the other side of the bridge laid wildflowers in memorial of a lost child.
Should be "lay".
I wasn’t going to let myself fall with the rest of them; I would except my invitation to Edo and forget Shikage like everyone else in the new era.
That would be "accept"
Maybe to long.
Should be "too"
Soon I would be though of the same way.
Should be "thought"
. . . bumped into the mistress she was a good friend of mine.
Should be a comma inserted after mistress.
continueing tommarrow
Should be continuing tomorrow
The language is choppy and uneven. You should create more paragraphs for easier reading. Could it be that English is your second language? If so, this is an excellent stab at English writing, however the errors need to be corrected. Once revised, I will revise my rating.
Storm
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Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1141125 by Not Available.
By all means! This is so plausible and real-life. Your readers will identify with this older woman with the wonderful background.
Your description of the geese evokes a sweet memory of my own.
The age of your main character is probably what I like the best. So many times the main characters are young and as much as youth sells, it's the older character I prefer with all their experiences to draw from.
This has a Norman Rockwell flavor to it and who doesn't like him?
BB - This is darling! I see right now you are going to be a favorite of mine!
Should be artfully fonted with special ink color, bordered and double-matted with non-glare glass. What a housewarming gift for the newlyweds, college freshmen and boarding houses.
Just emits such warmth and that comes from dead center!
Iva*mae - There is a comforting sweetness in you that comes out on the screen for all your readers to roll around in. It's that "makes me feel good" thingee that all of us search for when the need strikes us.
You certainly provide that "thingee" we humans hunger for. Thanks for allowing us that chance to grin on our inside!
Gonna' place this review on Public Review so more members have a chance to experience that "thingee".
Storm
C O M I N G *** September 7th!
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Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1140341 by Not Available.
David - as promised I'm in your port again and I had trouble with the bolded colors that are so similar that I had to focus too hard!
Here once more you are expressing such love on a rocky road of rhyme. #1 - If you like couplets make it all couplets, like trips, make them all trips, combining the two makes it so rough you reader may not finish it and that breaks a rule of writing - You must keep your reader's attention.
The meter as follows:
Couplet 1 10-10 in perfect pentameter! Hurray!
Couplet 2 9-10
Trip 3 5-9-7
Couplet 4 12-13
Qutrn 5 9-6-10-9
Trip 6 9-8-9
You can see the syllable count is very uneven with just the first werse in form.
This one needs to be re-thunk re-written and re-submitted and I will cheerfully re-rate!
Storm
C O M I N G *** September 7th
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Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1140341 by Not Available.
My, my Miss Bella Bunny! Stanzas 4-5-6 are drop-dead meter wise! The others are so close and because of the words you chose it blends in spite of the meter!
The message certainly hits your reader in their heart and that's {i}exactly{/i} what you want to do!
Storm
C O M I N G *** September 7th!
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Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1140341 by Not Available.
My poetry is words sung from my soul,
The things I can not handle alone.
I dare not share them with family,
They hang their heads in shame.
They refuse to read,
Afraid that something morbid is wrong with me.
I only share with the faceless people I can not see,
My poetry comes from my broken heart.
It comes from the past,
And, slippesslips through the cracks,
And exsposeexposes the hole truth of me.
Was that spelling of "hole" deliberate? If it is, it is a stroke of genius.
If not, it should be spelled, "whole".
I like to think you did that deliberately!
Storm
C O M I N G *** S O O N !
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