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569 Public Reviews Given
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Public Reviews
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51
51
Rated: E | (5.0)
God love you Iva*Mae -

You are a powerful example for all of us.

May many wonderful new experiences be yours to enjoy on a daily basis until you are promoted to join Our Master in your New Home.

Thank you Iva*Mae for *Heart*ING us.

Stormcloud
52
52
Review of Gathering Clouds  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Erin - 5 days old! What a NEWBIE! W E L C O M E to this incomparable site. You'll never regret the decision to be here amongst us. *Bigsmile*

I like to meter-rize newbie's poems and give them back with only rearranging done to show the significance of meter as it relates to the cadence of your piece. When the meter is askew, your message or purpose is diluted and Heaven forbid, *Shock* that your readers click on something else before finishing your item.

So with the objectives of this magnificent site uppermost in this review, I will conduct a meter analysis and we'll look at this together. *Smile*

Your meter is varied from 8 to 14. See the following analysis:

Stanza 1 - 10-9-10-9
2 - 9-10-10-10
3 - 10-10-13-14
4 - 10-11-10-9-10-10
5 - 8-11-9-10-10-10
6 - 10-9-11-10
7 - 10-11-9-10
8 - 11-10-9-9

To summarize: Each line has a set number of syllables, the ones with 8 - 1
9 - 9
10 - 19 This wins hands down!
11 - 5
12 - 0
13 - 1
14 - 1

So, as you can see, this is rocky going; now watch this, since the overwhelming majority of lines (19) were 10 syllables, I will work within that structure. Your piece will be done in pentameter. Allow me: Your tenses are mixed up and I will address that issue at the same time.

On a drizzly morning, I sit and mourn
‘bout my lingering dreams that have been worn.
Tears welled unnoticed, while I heaved a sigh,
I'm almost grouching for the things that lie.

I really do not understand the context of the last line here. If I cannot understand this, then I know others won't understand either. *Frown*

Startled and fazed by a little hand poke,
my son did wake, he confusedly spoke.
“Mama, what’s wrong? Are you tired? Are you sore?
What’s there to do? Can I help with your chore?”

Just the first line was niggled here *Smile*

In panic I rise, briskly head outside;
Placed a tin pail under the falling tide.
“Nothing, honey! Mama’s gathering rain”
Intending to conceal all of my pain.

the word "tide" evokes visions of the ocean and what you are really speaking of here, is rain.

Got plenty more questions, he blinked, he voiced;
“What’s that? Is it a need? Is it a choice?”
I search for words to answer and amuse,
“Just saving some rain, Son! Might be of use!”
A boyish grin he gave, chuckled and winked,
As we left for breakfast, he’s calm, I think.

Line 1 - should be "blinked" and "voiced"
Line 2: A child would not ask you the middle and last question.
Line 6: Why wouldn't he be calm? What has happened that the reader does not know about?


Morning time has past; Sun did climb and shine,
All is green and above, I see a line.
I know I’ll ache but, must surely move on,
We'll be fine; my boy and I aren't alone.
I wonder from where, this happy tune came,
There’s my son humming, singing an old name.

I LOVE this last line here, beautiful!

Curious of him, I dare sneak and ask,
"What are you doing? Are you not on task?"
I was taken aback as he replied,
(Silly ole me, forgetting time had flied,)

Did I just read you a story last night?
Sang a lullaby and kept you from fright?
How then today you have grown old and wise?
Wrapping me in hugs while whispering twice,

“Mama, the sky is clear! I should and must,
Set out here gathering clouds that I trust;
Can be of some use, to wipe dry your eye,
From streaks of rain falling, that you did cry!”

This last verse seems forced and unnatural, I think if you re-think it, you'll find a smoother way to get your point across. *Smile*

Your endline punctuation is vital to steer your readers in the direction you wish them to go. Leaving some lines naked or without the benefit of punctuation, could alter your modus operandi.

And we just can't have that! *Laugh*

Make changes and I'll cheerfully re-rate!

Storm

53
53
Review of When Nature Calls  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Very funny - Kenzie has already given the tense mistake.

Thankx for the giggles and I love the genteel way your descriptions allow us to understand "what happened".

Storm
54
54
Review of Is You?  
Rated: E | (1.5)
Dave - I would suggest that before you trash someone else's ability at 17 years of age, you might consider taking some classes regarding meter in your poetry.

I conducted a meter analysis on this to show you how meter can affect your cadence and disrupt your flow as demonstrated in this piece.

Stanza 1 - 7-9-9-8
2 - 10-10-8-9
3 - 12-7-8-9

So as you can clearly see (and should hear) your meter is rocky and your message is diluted.

I am about to offer you suggestions in the spirit of Writing.Com's objectives that you are free to accept/reject. Your call. The most used was 9, so that's what I will go with.

Now hey, is you is or is you ain't?
No matter how I try, I just cain't
get the hang of putting each comma
in its right place. Man, what a drama!

Just 'cuzBecause an editor has power,
sittin' up in your his iv'ry tower,
to trash those manuscripts by the reams,
don't give you the right to squash my dreams.

Again I asks you 'bout the word pictures I paint,
I mean is you is, or is you ain't
gonna' publish this fine masterpiece,
so's I can finally have some peace?

The fact that you are now in perfect 9-ALL meter is hardly a comfort when the content is so deficient.

That, my good man, I don't touch. And I would suggest to you that it's YOU that has the more immediate need to take the A-1 Academy Classes.

How DARE you tell me that a piece I wrote as a 17 year old, needs poetry classes. *Smirk*

Yes, this goes on Public Review so all members can see that you are in no position from this poem to advise me.

Stormcloud on the Warpath
55
55
Review of Exercising Faith  
Rated: E | (5.0)
vi - What a Great *Idea*!

Can't wait to see MORE! I'm placing this on My Favorites so I can check periodically and have these at my fingertips!

Storm
56
56
Rated: E | (5.0)
kingskid - I saw this item in the Spiritual Newsletter and took the editor's advice and precious it is.

We have such a responsibility to our children. Satan never sleeps, always looking for whom he can maim, kill and destroy.

The greatest myth ever perpetuated on mankind is that Satan doesn't exist, and it's working. *Frown*

This would be darling in special font, on parchment paper, bordered on one side or across the top, double-matted with non-glare glass and given to any new parents or old parents for that matter. *Bigsmile*

In His Perfect Love,

Storm
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57
57
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Kenzie - I haven't worn them since I was 18! I don't want anything next to me that traps heat.*Smile*

I don't wear jeans, pants, shorts or bathing suits. Nothing that defines the pubis. Some men don't attempt to understand, and I don't care that they don't understand. *Smirk*

I am disgusted when I see men look at women and their eyes go straight between her legs OR straight to her breasts. Either way they are dogs.

I was surprised to see the word "drawers", that's what my grandparents called them. *Bigsmile*

You'll get many affirmations from the women here, I'm sure. *Smile*

Storm
Part II Opens October 22
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58
58
Rated: E | (5.0)
Nativson - I found this Bulletin factual and even humorous. I agree with you COMPLETELY.

Our nation's History books need an over-haul. We've been fed a line of B.S. for a long time.

I have just today started a new item
that begs the question: Who Writes our History?

Was hoping to see an entry from you in my First Contest:

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Wish you would consider it -

Storm

Some minor glitches to edit.

You may one of the few who may get the day off or perhaps one of the multitudes still working it.

Insert "be" after may.

How about; National Native Day, or perhaps Indigenous Peoples Day. Can see where I'm going with this?

Insert "you" after can

lets just call it something else.

let's or let us


59
59
Review of Four Dead in Ohio  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
S. Sunflower -

You certainly have your opinions and they are clearly stated in this monologue. *Smile*

I was 19 in 1970 and I remember all that well. It was horrendus and appalling as was that sickening war.

Think we learned anything of value? I know I did.

Storm
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60
60
Review of Songs for My Dogs  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Spooky Sunflower - Your two dogs sound like super loving companions! So unselfish of you to take an animal that's already needing a home with tons of love as opposed to spending a small fortune on a registered dog.

Bless your heart.

God sure knew what he was doing when He made companion animals - we love them like our children and He knew we would!

Storm
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61
61
Review of BUT, AHH  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Ms Mckinley - Absolute poetry in documentary form.

Just wonderful Larone ~ I was nodding all the way through and my ex says, "what are you reading?" I said,

"The truth and it will set men free"

Thank you for your breakdown of His Word - you are so in line with it. What a delight to know that backsliders and non-Christians will read them also because I am placing this review on Public Reviews so ALL MEMBERS can bebefit from your insights.

G L O R Y ! ! ! *Delight*


Storm
p.s. Would you explain the last line, I just don't understand that.

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62
62
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
phyduex - Very clever and well constructed!

Talk about a newbie - Just two days old! Awww . . . we older members have a real soft spot for newbies just born! *Bigsmile*

Give me a holler if I can help you with anything - this place is immense and newbies get lost sometime.

This will prove to be the best literary decision you'll ever make to exercise your poetic muscle and learn things you never heard of.

Enjoy and take a peek at my port whenever you get a chance.

Storm
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63
63
Review of What is Islam?  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dr. Taher - A most moving piece. Very educational and most interesting.

What I appreciate most is that you recounted your own personal experience.

I never once got the impression you were attempting to force anything on anybody.

May the God of Abraham drench you in His favor!

Storm
64
64
Rated: E | (5.0)
You broke my heart with this moving tribute to Dusty Mopp. I came to your port to try and determine if you were male or female and I got this story and got all wound up in it and I can;t hardly see to type.

What a tear-jerker, Mr./Ms Frebo, one of the sweetest saddest stories about pet love I've ever read.

You gave that precious dog a wonderful life and I love the way you remember your "bestest friend."

All pet lovers need to read this precious story of owner and pet.

I truly thank you for sharing your remarkable little Dusty with all of us.*Heart*

Storm

65
65
Rated: E | (5.0)
Awand Frebo - I WAS considering entering this contest, but you my dear, have done such a marvelous job of elaborating these verses that I can not compete with you! *Bigsmile*

I will be anxious to read any to TOP this one. All from a Christian's heart. I'm glad you know the carpenter's Son. You will appreciate this sig of mine.

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Whew! Only one thought comes to mind here. Is it possible that we have gotten longsuffering and retaliation confussed. Just one "s" in confused.
66
66
Rated: E | (5.0)
Fanon - This is marvelous! You have taken a classic children's story and made it BETTER!

This should be in print and a required staple in all elementary school ciriculums. *Bigsmile*

A most exciting foray into the very ideal you stated in the closing.

I say, old chap, Top Notch! (yeah, I was drawn to read your bio and learn of your nationality) Why are there so many 0 items in your port? If you don't mind the question.

Storm
67
67
Rated: E | (4.5)
Mornin' Ms Kenzie - One blurp, pretty good for a FF lady *Smile*! I think I know what you wanted here, and when you edit, I will know for sure.

Jesus is our personal Savior, and while all Christians strive to become Christ-like, the path to becoming so will be hugely different, based upon our own lifestyles as we begin the journey, as well a the path and the timetable we choose for our travels.

Boy, that's one long sentence! the bolded part is what is a little muddled.

And that was the ONLY one Miss Kenz!

I really love the paralell of writing with our Christian walk. As a matter of fact, I recall that you, just last November were explaining to me the pathways of Christians. How they are often times different but achieving the same end result.

Knowing our Lord and receiving His gifts while here on His earth can be enjoyed by ALL His children and how we obtain those gifts is our own individuality and at our personal pace.

I wonder how many times we make Him chuckle at our childish attempts of overcoming obstacles. We sometimes get part of it right, but then aren't mature enough in The Word to follow through with the learned Christian's response.

And of course, we have ole 24/7 Satan there to attempt his "rob, kill and destroy" mission. So the pull is ON! Since we are Children of the Most High God we are INDEED THE ULTIMATE PRIZE for Satan to seduce from Our Saviour.

We, His kids, know from Scripture that "nothing can separate us from God's love."

How comforting is that? *Bigsmile*

You, my precious friend, have a Special Weekend.

Forehead *Kiss*ES!

Storm
Storm scan horizon for your pony!

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68
68
Review of Alone with Lana  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Ellis - As your reader, I was going along here and relating how this young girl was feeling and W H A M !

She felt like a college coed when she slid into the front seat. Three of his friends piled into the back, whooping and hollering and it made her feel giddy. She giggled all the way to the old apple tree orchard at the edge of town. She wondered why they were going there when there were no apples on the trees. They held her down, and the boy with the smile ripped her skirt as he lay on top of her. She held her breath for a long time because he was heavy and sweaty, and it was hard to breathe. She closed her eyes and worried what the Bishop and Mammaw might say.

The jump from cutting up with boys to They held her down, . . . all within the same paragraph is too wide an abyss for readers to cross.
The transition from carefree teenage fun to malicious pre-meditated felonious rape is too integral a part of this eerie tale to introduce it like last week's headline.

The entire ambiance of this tale is detached, like super-imposed on the screen before me, to be placed in an MTV video or futuristic sci-fi.

So . . . whaddaya' gonna' do with this?

She carefully placed the perfume bottle in the center of the monogrammed handkerchief, and wrapping the handkerchief around the bottle, placed it on the nightstand next to the rubbing alcohol and wire hanger.

This leads me to think she's about to be whipped with a wire hangar and they'll then pour alcohol in the open wounds as her punishment. (deliciously freaky, especially with Daddy as the Bishop)

So . . . whaddaya' gonna' do with this*Question*
My, my! Where, in what direction, are you going with this? *Shock*

Storm

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69
69
Rated: E | (5.0)
Kenz - Just what I needed to read this morning! Saw this in Pudi's Newsletter.

Found one itty-bitty error.

Doesn't God's word say the the older women should teach the younger ones?

You must have hiccupped here *Laugh*. But I know you want to fix that.

Huggs & Hallelujahs,

Storm
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70
70
Rated: E | (4.0)
Stallion - I like the fact that there are 7 statements you have made here. God's number!

Pastor Joe Carter, although I've never heard of him means one thing, I'm slipping! *Smile*

d. We need a little wisdom from God

I would have to disagree with this point and say:

"We need a lotta' wisdom from God!" *Smile*

Thanks for the lesson by proxy.

Storm
3 WEEKS and 2 DAYS REMAIN

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71
71
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Sue Vn - How delightful! Ought to send this in to Reader's Digest "Life in these United States." I think they pay 25-50 bucks for stories such as this.

Well done, we don't like your main character from the git-go and of course that's exactly what you're hoping for so in the fantastic ending your readers will be cheering for that cop.

That twist in the closing alone makes it a Surprise Ending for me! *Laugh* And I *Heart* surprise endings.

Send it out, make a few bucks *Wink*

Storm

Oh yeh,

Should be:yeah

Only error I found.
72
72
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Been a long time since I read, rated & reviewed you.

So glad I stopped by - I just gulped this one down. It was paced perfectly for my interest and kept me flash-digesting this foray into madness. *Cool*

His slide into the book's developing plotline he was getting so unexplainably, and his real-time movements was superbly molded. Smoooooth ... your reader is bound to their screen. Two stories going simultaneously.

Found no misspelled words, found one I will look up though (soughed). This be R O C K I N G ! I'm goin' to Public Reviews with this one so your fans can consume this one. *Delight*

Do it agin' Bill, do it agin' *Bigsmile*

Storm
Storm searches horizon for your pony
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73
73
Review of The Winter Jazz  
Rated: E | (2.5)
They were seedy too; always in some music bar, stuffing bills down a girls top or in the bathrooms injecting stuff into their body.

Should be girl's

He believed he had been put on Earth to spread his important words and to impart the knowledge of the Gods onto the rest of us mere mortals.

Should be gods, lower case.

It was a typical decadent evening with my acquaintance. Him and his elderly friends had gone off to sleep with some young girls.

Should be He

(which was worrying enough),

Should be, worrisome

After that I watched the local chief of Police chase a young boy around and then disappear for maybe an hour with the boy.

Should be cap on Chief as it is part of a title. Chief of Police.

I was sat there in my tailcoat my back straight trying to show I was a civilised and sophisticated person.

Two choices here: I just sat there in my talicoat, my back straight, trying to show I was a civilized and sophisticated person.

OR: I was sitting there in my talicoat, my back straight, trying to show I was a civilized and sophisticated person.


Overall I'm not sure what the point of this story is or was. I guess I need more details, where is the setting for this story? The age of the piano player.
What is an odd shag? Are you from Europe? Is this a type of somehow, an excerpt from some Adolph Hitler Journal or secret diary?

If you make the corrections, I will cheerfully re-rate.

Storm

C O M E ** TO ** MY ** TEI_PEI !
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74
74
Review of Lord of Lesuorac  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Well Ms Trina Marie - Where is the rest of this compelling tale? *Smile*

This is delicious. And I want more.

So when will that happen?

Your introductions of the cast was wonderfully paced. I was making mental notes on each and had to go back once because you have many. Nothing wrong with that but my old memory ain't what it was.

Go with this and hurry it up will ya'? *Bigsmile*

Storm
S H A R E ** THE ** N A T I V E ** IN ** Y O U !

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75
75
Rated: E | (5.0)
ridinghhood - This is so stunning! Just gets to me in sweet, strong waves.

I wish to extend to you a special personal invitation to preview, consider and enter my contest. *Delight*

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Your piece here was created on my 3rd day of membership.

I've noticed more and more that you are becoming better and better and it pleases me to tell you that! *Bigsmile* Whether you enter my contest or not.

Take a peek, so much time remains, 4 weeks and 48 hrs.

"Me check horizon for your pony!"

Storm



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