First Impressions:
A lot of these scenes really stood out to me. You were able to paint a story in my head. Like this part for example: “Keep your wits about yeh, that pretty boy’s here, now find him!” Bolik yelled. I could just see them grabbing at the air. Great! The beginning also had great description. I liked how you started it.
Two of the bandits rushed forward into the empty air. The others looked about warily. Grammar and Spelling: Though the intruders had been driven back by the superior skills of their elder kin and forced to sign a treaty the war was inevitable.
Comma after 'treaty' or else it becomes a run-on sentence.
The path led over a low hill, a wide ravine fell steeply on the right.
I would substitute the comma after 'hill' for a period. Or instead, I would say 'a wide ravine falling'
Character:
The characters came out nice in this piece. The dialogue flowed well and I was able to picture the scene where the elf faced off with the dwarf, Bolik.
Suggestions: Dirt flew behind the elf as his horse’s feet dug deep into the loose soil as he galloped along the path.
Here I would suggest removing one of the 'as' in the sentences. I think it would read a little better. You could actually make these two sentences. Ex:Dirt flew behind the elf as his horse’s feet dug deep into the loose soil. He galloped along the path. (or you would write 'he galloped along the beaten path' if you think it sounds better. :)
In the second paragraph I would try and work on varying sentences. I'm pointing this out simply because that's a problem I have with my writing. Try and see if you can start your sentences without using the word 'The' at the beginning. (Good luck, its a challenge for me)
For me, the prologue could have ended with even a sentence of description. Maybe, assuming the Mage does die, you could say this. It seemed a little as if the piece was cut short with it ending with dialogue. I'm not sure, why, that's just my personal opinion.
Overall:
I really enjoyed this piece. Its obvious you're an exceptional writer and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
First Impressions:
This was a very touching story of a first true love and childhood memories. I enjoyed it very much and was saddened to hear that the little girl died. At the end when you compared her to your daughters it made the story even more beautiful. I appreciated the beginning also when you began to tell us of living with your grandmother and Sunday dinners.
Grammar and Spelling:
I found none. :)
Character:
Your character as a little boy came off very well. I could just imagine your awestruck gaze and the innocence of childhood. It came across very well.
Suggestions:
My only suggestion would be to try and embellish your story with the simplest of details in setting, maybe how the preacher or your grandmother's appearance. This was all I could think of to make a great story even better!
Overall:
I thoroughly enjoyed this story of first love and childhood. I hope I can read more of your writing soon.
Haha! This story left me wanting more. The puns were so bad but made so much sense you just had to laugh! I could see the character's expressions, imagine a threesome heading to the burger joint. The dialogue was realistic for a couple of kids. This seems like a great exercise to getting to know your characters. I liked how you were able to use your dialogue to create a story. I'm giving you a 4.5 because I found no errors, grammatical or otherwise in this story. I also couldn't think of any ways to make it better except possibly adding a few more descriptions of acton into the piece. Overall, it was a nice little story. Hope I can read more of your writing soon.
First Impressions:
I appreciated the emotion you put into this story, of a young girl and her passion for trains. I could imagine everything from the squeak of the wheels to her face pressing out the window.
I liked also how you were able to include the past into the present. From where Deja was a little girl until now, when she is 16.
Grammar and Spelling:
I found none!
Character: She’d ask questions of passing conductors, many of which remembered her, all manner of questions about the train and the trip it made. She soon knew every stop and even how long they’d be.
The character's personality comes out well in this story. She seemed to be really curious and a kind person.
Suggestions:
As regards to the girl's overall character, I suppose you could add a little of her appearance into the story. I don't think this is entirely necessary but I would think about it. Or maybe the conductor's appearance.
One suggestion I have is where you say "Summer after summer she’d ride with her brothers to see their Grandparents."
Here I don't think its necessary to capitalize the G in grandparents.
Overall:
You were able to not even tell about a girl's love for trains but show it. I enjoyed this piece very much.
I liked this, especially how you began it with a sentence that hooks the reader.'It had started as a distant rumble, almost like a soundless vibration that ran through one’s body. It struck before anyone had time to react. The roof fell straight to the floor in an instant; on top of it, more than five-hundred feet of shale and dirt. Up on the surface, the ground sank noticeably.' is whole small paragraph really drew me in. I loved how yu described the cave-in.
My only suggestion would be maybe to add a little more sensory detail, like how I imagine it would be hard to breathe. Other than that, I enjoyed it.
I really liked this poem. The poem held a powerful rhythm and and the rhyming was perfect. Everything about the poem was clean and precise, allowing your message to shine through. I liked the feel you gave off. You could feel the tone of your voice when you read this and every line had depth. I loved how you ended it also. Perfect.
I enjoyed this song. I could see how it flows well and the message is nice I especially loved how you ended it where you finally get what you've been wanting all along. Very nice.
Haha, I liked this poem. The message is important and I loved how the lines rhyme because it flows well.
Oh, and I'll think twice before I (being a teenager) hog the TV.
I've tried that too! And I would do the same thing with emailing myself except just from one computer upstairs to downstairs (yes, I know, I'm lazy, haha). The "For my eyes only" thing does help. Neat tip.
This prologue was very interesting. It really hooks the reader in. I've neve seen anything like this in a story, its really reobotic-sci-fi like haha, sorry i have no other words for it. But it really is interesting and I think its a great start to a sci-fi thriller.
Suspenseful, tense...it has all the right ingredients...can't wait to read on!
I really enjoyed this part. It really made me want to read on. I liked especially how you started it with Alvie staring at his blank computer screen. also 'A boy of eleven years old' really flows and is a clever way to reveal his age. I'm interested in reading more and finding out what this story is about.
Here I would try and add more suspense, more tension so that the reader cannot do anything more than read on. Since this is the prelude you want the reader to be able to read on. I loved how you started w/BOOM!!! Because that catches the readers attention but you started to lose my attention as we went on. Why? Because there needed to be more showing instead of telling. i needed to see the musroom cloud of smoke rising and feel the blistering heat of the bomb. I needed to know if it was a blisteringly hot day (well actually that isn't really important so never mind, I don't need to know that haha).
Anyway, I would also suggest looking at your past tense/present tense a little closer. You say Ace figured which is past tense but later you say he 'races' which is present tense.
Hope I could help.
Not bad, I actually wanted to keep reading which is what a prologue is supposed to do. I would just try and intensify the mood, if its suspenseful then I think I would try and make it extra suspenseful.
Wow, I like it. Have you ever heard of Deviantart.com? You could post your illustrations there! Anyway, I love the background. It looks dark and the blonde hair really pops out on the boy. So do the pictures.
This was very funny and the dialogue is realistic and pulls in the reader, I think. I enjoyed reading it. The only thing I would say is to add a little more description like where you say:
'The prince ran up beside her.'
Overall, very nice piece. Hilarious!
First Impressions:
Nice piece, it interested me from the very beginning. The following are just suggestions. Use what you want and discard the rest!
Grammar and Spelling:
'space ship Reghada, it was a strong and big ship that I never saw something....' This seems to be a run-on sentence. I would add a comma acter 'ship' and replace the comma after 'Reghada' with a period to make another sentence.
"...the command deck, “wow! That was fast did Keith finished..." Here I would capitalize the W in "wow"
Character:
The minor character's traits shone through well. I would focus a little bit more on the character's personality, though. The reader doesn't really get a sense of who he really is.
Overall:
I enjoyed this piece. It was crisp and neat and flowed pretty well. I can't wait to read more of your writing soon.
This is perfectly detailed and they all are very helpful. You have such a wide variety of workshops that could help any writer. I just want to thank you for that because its laid out and everything is easy to find! The workshop entitled "how to bring reality into a fiction story" was exactly what I was looking for a little while ago! This is great!
Wow, that was super suspenseful and of course I expected something totally different from an innocent little cat. I liked this piece! I hope I can read more of your writing soon.
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