First Impressions:
I really loved the format of rhyming words, like a traditional kids story. In my opinion, this story is reader to be published!
Grammar and Spelling:
None that I found.
Good Points:
The story flowed smoothly which is one of the most important things for short stories for kids. I could picture the story in my mind. It was written well and I especially liked how you started it with a warning to the children. Very well written.
Overall:
I love my sweets, haha, but it is a very important lesson from kids and presented in a way that will keep them interested. Nice story!
First Impressions:
I really liked how this story was preparing the reader for something and although it was only 293 words it all came across well and not hurried at all. The end was especially what tied the whole piece up nicely!
Grammar
I only caught one small thing.
Here when you say '...first man to travel back wards in time.' 'back' and 'wards' should be one word: Backwards.
Overall, great story!
First Impressions:
This was a very beautiful poem. I loved how you described her feelings, the man coming closer and slipping away. I especially loved how you ended it with the girl sitting on park bench holding the wedding ring. It was lovely.
Grammar and Spelling:
I found no grammar errors.
Character:
I could sense the love of the woman and the man. I could imagine the handsome man against a swirling sparkly sky, haha.
Suggestions:
It was nearly perfect. I have no suggestions at the moment.
Overall:
I really enjoyed this poem and I'm glad I got to read it.
...Check out my Unfinished Novels folder in my port if you have the time. :D
First Impressions:
I really enjoyed this story. Its automatically a story I would want to read since its about aliens. I mean, who doesn't like aliens? I also liked how the aliens were "furry". Usually when you say alien people think green little creatures. And wow, that was a shock. I had no idea they were cats!
Grammar and Spelling:
“Commander, there seems to be a problem” Period in this sentence.
'...he poor guy needs to learn how to use his periphial vision, it would save him sore necks.' Here I would put a period after 'vision.' Also 'periphial' is spelled 'peripheral'
'...we always needed to stop, refuel and resupply somewhere before we can continue.' To keep the past tense consistent, I would write 'we always need to stop' OR you could just write 'before we could continue'
Lastly I would just make sure there are commas after quotation marks.
Character:
The characters were believable. I really enjoyed the commander and the relationship with Joe. As far as their names I wouldn't really expect an alien's name to be Joe but it sort of worked. It didn't bother me at all. I also like how Joe keeps calling the commander Commander.
Suggestions:
'I can hear the worried grumbling rumbling through the massive ship as the crew...' I'm not sure I would use 'grumbling rumbling' because it doesn't flow as well through the story.
The reader doesn't really get a great view of the setting of the ship which could make the story even more interesting (even though the story IS interesting already).
Overall:
Great story! It sounds like you had fun writing it and I enjoyed reading it!
First Impressions:
I really liked how you played this story out with the 'click tick tock' at the beginning to the last few words the teacher says at the end. The bullying of the students also adds depth to the story and makes you care about the character, Mark.
Grammar and Spelling:
Only a few grammatical errors.
'The big, blue marker smear on...' Here you don't need a comma. You can just write 'The big blue marker smear on...'
'Click tick tock, it went in that order, it sounded exactly like that.' This is a run on sentence. I would add a period after 'in that order' and start a new sentence or add a semicolon.
Suggestions:
'Mark sat up and orderly left the room with the rest of the class...' I think it would flow a little better if you dropped the word 'orderly' in this sentence.
Overall:
I liked the story, how you captured Mark's emotion and the classroom feel. It seems as if you could expand this story into a longer chapter book. Very good!
First Impressions:
Nice story! It was very good narration and I found very few things to point out. I really love all the names of they faeries. They flow well with the story.
Grammar and Spelling:
Only one small thing:
'Mother began to worry then, she told me..." this is a run on sentence.I would add a period instead of a comma.
Suggestions:
'...feeling on the nape of your neck?'I'm not sure I would have 'nape' of your neck because I don't really know what that means.
When you wrote in the 2nd paragraph 'would flower me with gifts' I believe you meant 'would shower me with gifts'
This is one of the greatest short stories I've ever read! Its excellent and should be published immediately! I'm not kidding. I really loved...well, everything about it. The pace, Harvey's thoughts, and the whole concept. Although the story idea wasn't necessarily realistic, the story came across as true and probable! From the very beginning Harvey had a memorable personality and I wanted to know what would happen to him. You really created a story that never grew tired. This is really a fantastic piece of writing. I have nothing but positives to say about it. I can't believe you say this story has been collecting dust. Its great. I'll certainly remember it...
I really enjoyed this piece of the story. It was really great. The description is excellent, especially where you say how the cabin rose up like a ghost in a graveyard. I could imagine everything and it was definitely suspenseful. You set the mood of the night perfectly. Everything down t the last sentence. Very well done!
I only found two errors to speak of:
'before knocking thrice' I think you meant to say 'twice'
Here in this sentence i think it would flow a little better if yo switched up the order just a bit.:
“Come, sit and I’ll get ya some fresh clothes. Ya must be soaked through after a bout in that storm.” He said as he hung the coat on a nearby peg to dry.
I might have said..."Come, sit and I'll get ya some fresh clothes," he said as he hung the coat on a nearby peg to dry. "You must be soaked through after a bout in that storm."
Or...“Come, sit and I’ll get ya some fresh clothes. Ya must be soaked through after a bout in that storm.”.....You could drop the 'he said' and just have 'he hung the...'
Which reminds me, the dialogue was excellent too. Very realistic. What time period does the story take place in?
That was a beautiful poem. You are obviously a very talented poet.
I liked how it flowed smoothly and really sucked the reader in. The synonyms and metaphors were really what brought your peom alive and made also it so beautiful ('sweet as berry' and 'sky in your eyes').
Haha, that was very cute. I know it probably came from a short prompt but I enjoyed it! It was cute especially the way you emphasized on Johnny's excitement and Ella's contempt. The characters really came to life in just a short passage.
Overall: I think you could make a great story out of this if you wanted to! That's how great it was.
-Summerland
Good Points:
I really enjoyed the details, how you seemed to have created a whole other world that the reader is just stepping into. You had it all figured out and details are what really make a story come to life, I think. Especially the small things, like the Tower and the telogram, or even the names. The general story idea was very suspenseful and it was a great peice of writing!! How long have you worked on it?
Suggestions:
Where it says 'Bells gonged, and the streets...' I don't think you have to have a comma between 'gonged' and 'and' if that makes any sense. I also think that maybe you should have a short description of what the story is about so the reaader, whoever it is, don't feel too confused (for lack of a better word). Thats the only thing I would caution. Now, to the good part! Overall...
Overall:
It was excellent! You should definenetly keep writing it and evolving the story. Keep writing!!
I loved this part of the story. It was interesting. Rica's a Hannarian! Haha, I'm kidding. I liked how you took up the story with another viewpoint, especially that it was the teacher's. I believe that is what made this that much cooler.
Suggestion: Where it says 'Miller knelled down' I believe it would be 'knelt' down. Thats all the corrections I have.
Keep writing!
I enjoyed reading this very much! You had very fluent dialogue! People must tell you all the time that you are an excellent writer. I especially loved all of the detail. Eveything down to the locations, the votes, the Democratic and Republican parties. You captured the feeilings and thoughts of Wallace and Glenn very well. What they were discussing was interesting too. The Destiny project. I adore that name! Everything about this small peice of writing seemed to be so precise. I completely enjoyed reading it. I found no weak points, no flaws. It was to the point and an interesting way of formatting the story. Of course it isn't the whole story but I appreciated how Roberts was interviewing these two men about the Hannarians (love that name too).
I really loved this story! The detail, the character description of everything! I loved especially how you put your words together. I could see the man in the king's colors riding on the horse down the road and her father hobbling towards him. It was written very well!
My only question is how the clothes got back on the line, clean and untouched. I have to know!
Keep writing, I know this will be great!
I really enjoyed this story! I liked the character's personality, and I cared about what happened to her, if she would get home to see her dad. I wanted to keep reading the whole time and I could picture everything happening and feel her frustration. Very well written!
Here's the only mistake I managed to fine, haha:
I were home” she ...I believe after 'home' wold be a comma.
Keep writing!
What I liked about this was the pace and the narration. Its very good, and you can visualize. You could probably add some setting in here just to show mood or something. My only other suggestion is to create paragraphs, like when there's someone talking or another subject. You could show emphasis by having 'he wanted to kill me' on its own line.
He wanted to kill me.
Very good!. Keep writing!
Hey, I feel your pain. Sometimes its hard to get a review.
Here's mine:
I liked it! How you used the different metaphors to show what you were saying. My favorite line (well, maybe just a great line since its so hard to choose) 'tender buds come to harm'
Keep writing!
'Dislike having competiton' I've never really thought about that before. Thats horrible. Writers should build one another up, not tear them down. Besides, they aren't in the industy to sabotage your own writing. I think this is completely true. Sometimes even our own critisim can demolish our spirits.
I loved this poem! Its fun, bubbly, and lively. I especially like the last line. The rhyming is also very good, not forced but flowing together from one stanza to the next. I think it matched the Couplet poetry wonderfully and I can't wait to read more of your writing! Good luck!
I loved Chapter 2!! Ok, since i can't just say I truly love your writing let me say this:
I think Gardenia is an accurate name for the type of setting in your story. It brings a vibe of perfection and beauty.
Maybe you could breifly explain what they see on the car ride to her mother's house. I know its not as important but it may help readers imagine Gardenia better. Like a layout of where she'll be staying.
During the car ride or at the airport you could show how Kaia responds physicallly like digging her hands anxiously in the chair or tapping at the window, maybe rolling her eyes behind her mother. If her mother flipped or twirled her hair a lot, it would show off her flawlessness.
These are just suggestions. Overall I really think this story should be published. I can't wait to see it in Borders! Keep writing!
I loved this writing! I'm new at WDC but I've already read a few stories and yours is by far the best! I loved how the narration flowed, from one thought to the other. You told a lot about Kaia without cramming everything in. Publish it please! I can't wait to read the next chapter.
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