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318 Public Reviews Given
318 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
In depth and honest. I try not to let my personal feelings about a genre or a story interfere with the review. Though if I feel a certain aspect of your writing would be improved with a change, I won't hesitate to make the suggestion.
Favorite Genres
I'm open to everything
Least Favorite Genres
Ditto
Favorite Item Types
Mostly everything
Least Favorite Item Types
Interactives. Mainly because it seems unfair to review an item that so many people of varying skill levels participate in.
I will not review...
Again, there are very few things I flat out refuse to review. Though I respect everyone's viewpoint, I will not read anything, there is a line, and you will know it if I feel you've crossed it.
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review by NateSean
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Body swaps are an age old story device, so it's no surprise to me that someone would create an interactive based around the meme.

Taken in comparrison to alot of the other brands of interactive, this is ironically a much more original angle. Good luck with this.

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#1300305 by Maryann
27
27
Review of Stay  
Review by NateSean
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a common theme to explore. The idea of someone leaving us, for whatever reason, come morning's light.

The last line of each stanza feels clunky and awkward in comparrison with the style you're going for. Some of the rhymes seem forced, especially this line here:


More time can I borrow

Transposing a line so you can get a rhyme is a common rookie move in the early stages of poetry. I know, because in all of my high school poems, you could see this as well as the rhyming moon with June problem.

All in all, not a bad first effort, but it could definitely do with a rewrite so make it feel more unique among all of the other poems and songs that deal with this very theme.

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#1300305 by Maryann
28
28
Review of The Woods  
Review by NateSean
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is a true example of a horror story. You build up to the final moment carefully and subtly. First letting the child's imagination run wild, so that we, the reader, are ready to dismiss his imaginings as well

You also show experience in writing children as characters. Mitchell is believable as a person, and you use enough character development to keep him from being two dimensional.

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#1300305 by Maryann
29
29
Review by NateSean
Rated: E | (3.5)
It can be very hard to offer comments on a poem when I know they are written from the heart. Having lost people in my life, I certainly don't feel grateful when other people quantify the end result of my own grief.

The frequent mentions of tortured soul feel over done, and I feel you could convey the concept just as well without using the same phrase each time.
30
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Review of Disappear  
Review by NateSean
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
The destructive career concept is open to interpretation. I feel like it could be prostitution or dealing drugs, but the poem leaves it uncertain.

I'm not so sure that the first line was necessary, as it a lot feels more like telling than showing. Maybe working it into the flow as you did with the final line would work.
31
31
Review of In Your Eyes  
Review by NateSean
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Though I'm no musician, I think this would have been better served posting it under song lyrics. The repetition of the third stanza feels like the chorus of a pop song, and the theme of this piece makes me think of the angst driven groups like Linken Park.
32
32
Review by NateSean
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Passport is one word.

Beyond that, I don't know if either of these options would be the best course of action.

The concept of ghostwriter might be obscure to them. I might not survive on their planet and there's no guarantee that they'd be compatible with ours. Coffee, or any of the fixings could be lethal to it and that goes for anything that might be served in a restaurant. Our spiritual beliefs may incite them to open fire on us. Ditto on the games and movies. Especially if the movie stars Ben Stiller.

My first reaction would be along the lines of, get out of here while you still can.
33
33
Review of A Happy Weekend  
Review by NateSean
Rated: E | (5.0)
At first it appears to be a collection of individual works. But when you include the description of the type of poetry, it is easy to see how each stanza fits into the greater theme; A weekend that began beautiful morning, that evolves into a wonderful afternoon and ends on the following day.
34
34
Review by NateSean
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Although you have described this as incomplete, I don't see the point in posting something one way or the other if you don't expect some kind of critique. So it is with that in mind that I am offering my insights.

The thing is, I love Transformers, and I think Transformers fanfiction, especially this story, would be very interesting to read when it is finished. So I do hope you continue this, and please keep in mind that I only wish to help you improve.

As Driftburn’s ship left the Ruins of Iacon he knew in his spark chamber

Assuming that Lacon is a place, it needs to be spelled with a captial letter like a proper noun. If Ruins of Lacon is the title then it is okay to capitalized Ruins. But if you're simply describing Lacon, then ruins is not a proper noun.

As he programmed the nav computer he wondered if this was a good decision. He could just set a course for the nearest black hole and end it there.

This is a run-on sentence. In bold is the suggested correction.

There are a lot of sentences like this.

“Much has changed about the war. Come with me and I will fill you in.”

Dialogue should start on a new paragraph, especially when there's a conversation between more than one character. There are some variations to this rule, but you have to know the rule before you b reak it.

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#1300305 by Maryann
35
35
Review of streets  
Review by NateSean
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
When I saw the item description, I had to click on it. Having worked the nightshift, I know the pain all to well. As I once worked at a 24/7 Brooks Pharmacy, I'm also familiar with a lot of what you described. My favorite night remains to be the night I was robbed at knife point, though if you work in a convenient store, I hope you have not had the pleasure.

Free association is the best way to describe this piece. The thoughts are loosely connected, but they're indicative of a mind that has gone without sleep. I can tell that you either wrote this right after getting off a shift, in the middle of a period of insomnia, or you're just so familiar with the above mentioned feelings that you carry that zombie feeling with you whereever you go. As I said, I'm all too familiar with working that shift, so I wouldn't be surprised.
36
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Review of Lost Boy Found  
Review by NateSean
Rated: E | (4.5)
A quick and beautiful piece that seems to speak of a star crossed lovers. I'm reading this while listening to Pat Benetar's Invincible, and the lines of your poem seem to resonate so beautifully with the theme of that song, which is essentially about taking control of your destiny and taking what you know you deserve.
37
37
Review of biting words.  
Review by NateSean
Rated: E | (4.5)
Interesting. There's definitely a strong sense of trying to find yourself here, the way you seem vulnerable to people's words even though you know they're shallow, which should make them meaningless.

Not everyone can simply walk away when someone insults them. I feel you've captured that.
38
38
Review by NateSean
Rated: E | (4.5)
It's well written, but you don't necessarily have to be a moderator to do all of that. That's basically the way they encourage us to behave regardless of our status.

At least, that's how I wish more people would act, especially when they want to recieve feedback themselves.
39
39
Review of Life  
Review by NateSean
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
The theme of this poem seems confused. The narrator is married, with a child and a dog, and you would think that making it to that point would be a good thing. But by the end, I get the feeling that he's disappointed that he has not wound up meeting the wrong woman, or getting shot in a drug deal.

Figured Id never make it this far

I originally though this was a creative choice. But after reading the rest of the poem, I thought I'd point out that you missed an apostraphe there.

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#1300305 by Maryann
40
40
Review by NateSean
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is beautiful. I like how there are other "elements" aside from the four traditional (Greco/Roman) elements. Although, I've always considered lightening/electricity to be a product of air, as it's what happens when molecules in the air are charged, but that's just me.
41
41
Review by NateSean
Rated: E | (5.0)
Using photography and paintings is a great way to get your readers in the spirit of your story. Now that we have portfolio covers and things like that for book items, have you decided to use this as a part of the cover art like some of the professional manuscripts out there?
42
42
Review of Where are you  
Review by NateSean
Rated: E | (4.0)
Is "Death" the thing the narrator is afraid of? You do a great job of building up to the final two lines, when the only conclusion I can come to is that the narrator is thinking of suicide. So I applaud you for using subtlety and misdirection to keep me in suspense.
43
43
Review by NateSean
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
That's a pretty impressive list. It appears that Douglas Preston is one of your favorites. I've been wanting to read Tyrannasaur Canyon for a while, but haven't gotten around to it yet.

Patricia Cornwell made a mention of one of the shops in my hometown in one of her books.
44
44
Review by NateSean
Rated: E | (4.5)
Everyone's idea of the "meaning of life" can differ from person to person. And you do a great job of setting up your subject, as well as introducing your own original ideas into how you can experience the feeling.

I do feel that you could have stretched this out a bit.
45
45
Review of Writer’s Block  
Review by NateSean
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a nice, sweet viginette. And I like that you spelled Kathy's name correctly. I know they make a note of it in the opening credits of the show, but you do get the occasional writer who spells it with a "C", and attention to detail is important even in fanfiction.

It's clear that you have a feel for Booth and Temperance, because when you write in dialogue I can actually "hear" their voices. That's a rare quality in fanfiction, and I'm going to scour your profile to see some of your other stuff now.

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#1300305 by Maryann
46
46
Review by NateSean
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I like the "Chimera" institute. It plays well into your introduction of the idea of werewolves and vampires essentially being parts of different animals.

Although, I think it would help your bid for originality if you were to branch out a bit. While the idea of the werewolf and vampire being created as the result of a virus has been toyed with for a while, I see that you made this item sometime in 2004. That means you were very much in the shadow of another very popular movie that used a similar origin story for their own Vampires and Werewolves.

Something that would make this series original would be to introduce the idea that this virus didn't just create two species. Especially if you consider that all three breeds of the "vampire bat" are native to Brazil, Mexico, and South America. Maybe branch out and have shapeshifters of the bear or cat variety. Maybe a werehyena?

There are a lot of commas missing, and it would take a while to point them all out.

You’re missing a word here.
But as one scientist point out, there is no way to test if animals have feelings, no way to prove beyond doubt… or is there

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#1300305 by Maryann
47
47
Review by NateSean
Rated: E | (5.0)
Because I am saving up to keep my account in Upgraded Status, I will not be able to purchase any of the packages listed. However, joining the WDC Power Review group has been a smart move on my part, and I wish to do some small thing to see that it continues.
48
48
Review by NateSean
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is somewhat of an improvement on "Jessica's Story". I like how you're focusing on two seperate tributes, and how you're at least giving the reader the impression that these two are not going to be romantically entangled.

But basically, all of the things I said about Jessica's story seem to crop up in this variation, so that I think the one thing working against it is to have both stories posted as seperate items.

If you haven't entirely abandoned this project, I would work on upgrading your account so you can combine the stories into one book item. Alternate chapters between Jessica and William. Give your readers a sense of the characters and let them decide whom to root for in the actual Games.
49
49
Review by NateSean
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
The first series of Spellbinder was one of my favorite shows growing up. I wanted to get my hands on one of those suits so badly. This intro, however, doesn’t scream “Spellbinder”. I get from your intro that you’re focusing on the historical nuclear war that resulted in the Spellbinder’s Land and the Badlands, but unless you plan to continue this story sometime soon, all you have is an intro that sets up a big payoff, but doesn’t deliver on the promise.
What’s also interesting is that you do have the makings of a story that could easily stand on its own. Some of the best fan fiction, as the recent 50 Shades series has proven, involve plots so well crafted that you could switch out the characters with your own and make it an original story. With this, you could just cut the word “Spellbinder” from the title, and you would have something unique.
I like how you described the fire, and the child’s perception of it. You continue the great narrative by describing the child’s fear as this person takes her from her home.

Yet, more frightening than the taunting fire ,which held the child’s full attention was the man in the shadows.

“And” wasn’t necessary. But a comma should go there.

The child had shouted and kicked, and clawed and screamed, but to no effect. Every once in a while, a soft, almost reddish glow emanated from in front of the man.
Suggestion: The child shouted. She kicked and clawed against the cage but nothing helped. His body seemed to pulse with soft red light, terrifying her even more.

childens toys. “Let me go!”

Children’s.

The mans eyes grew cold, and, as he spoke, he spoke gravel,
Suggestion: The man’s eyes grew cold and his voice had an unsettling screech, like wagon wheels over gravel.

The fire grew more violent and the man became little more than a blurry shape, distorted by the heat that, otherwise did not harm him.

Here, and in other instances, there are times when you either don’t use commas, or use them more than necessary. This is an case where you do not need a comma.
renched away and darkness clouded the child's vision.
Wrenched.
permenantly.
Permanently

Fabrics rusled
Rustled

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#1300305 by Maryann
50
50
Review by NateSean
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
It must be quite a challenge, gaining weight when you're primary diet is liquid. I mean, Jacob is one thing since he can still eat normal food. But vampires of the Twilight universe would have to head down to a Jenny clinic to even gain more than an ounce at a time.
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