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318 Public Reviews Given
318 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
In depth and honest. I try not to let my personal feelings about a genre or a story interfere with the review. Though if I feel a certain aspect of your writing would be improved with a change, I won't hesitate to make the suggestion.
Favorite Genres
I'm open to everything
Least Favorite Genres
Ditto
Favorite Item Types
Mostly everything
Least Favorite Item Types
Interactives. Mainly because it seems unfair to review an item that so many people of varying skill levels participate in.
I will not review...
Again, there are very few things I flat out refuse to review. Though I respect everyone's viewpoint, I will not read anything, there is a line, and you will know it if I feel you've crossed it.
Public Reviews
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76
76
Review of The Truth  
Review by NateSean
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Because the reader and the writer have entirely different ideas about the same point, my major focus is purely on the technical aspects of the story. IE, plot, character, wording, grammar, etc. I may have a few questions about some aspects or a personal viewpoint, which I will offer, but it is up to you whether you feel they are valid and worth looking into as you rewrite and edit this story.

Selected sentences and paragraphs, as well as my own suggestions for rewriting them, will be in italics. Corrections, or specific things I'd like to draw your attention to, will be done in bold. I won't do this for the entire story. It will be just enough to give you an idea of what to watch out for.

I reached over and grab the notebooks off my bed and put them in my backpack. I grabbed my mascara from my bathroom and walked back into my room. I was standing in front of my dresser mirror brushing my hair when my mom walked in.

One thing you do throughout the story is constantly switch tenses. If you're going to tell the story from the first person in present tense, you need to keep it consistent. Otherwise if you keep switching back and forth you'll confuse your reader. It is possible to juggle different tenses within the same story, but at the moment, this feels more like you haven't locked into one particular style yet and it's better for you to practice getting better at one or the other before you decide to mix it up.

I reached over and grab the notebooks off my bed and put them in my backpack. I grabbed my mascara from my bathroom and walked back into my room. I was standing in front of my dresser mirror brushing my hair when my mom walked in.

Something I always stress when writing a story in the first person, is to reduce the amount of “I” statements. One of the reasons is that you have all ready established that this story is in the first person by opening with an “I” statement. Since it wasn't in dialogue, or internal thought, the reader is going to assume that the main character is narrating.

The overuse of possessive terms like “My” is another thing you should avoid. We know Michelle is in her room. She establishes that it is just her and her mother, so unless she has a sister in the house somewhere we're going to assume that everything she is touching is “hers”. Since it is in the first person, it's okay to use these terms as necessary.

Suggestion: I grabbed the notebooks and school supplies from the bed and neatly arranged them in my backpack. One of the perks of this new house was that I had my very own bathroom, complete with a sink and medicine cabinet where I could keep my make-up. After a few strokes of the hair brush that fell somewhere short of a hundred, Mom walked in.

See how this paragraph tells you what's going on and gives Michelle a bit of character development as well? And even though you still see words like “I” and “my” they only exist to keep the reader inside Michelle's head.

“I’m starting at a new school again and I have to start making friends again! What do you think the problem is mother? This is all of your fault,” I screamed.

Screamed feels like too strong a word here. Of course Michelle is upset. But I know if I “screamed” at my mother she sure wouldn't be offering to take me to Mcdonalds. She'd have told me to start walking to school and to be back within precisely twenty minutes of the bell ringing or my ass would have something in common with Ronald McDonald's hair.

“I know you're mad at me but there was nothing I could do about this.

I apologized. I quickly straightened my side bangs and double checked my appearance one last time in the mirror in front of me.

My mom had a sorry look in her eyes,

Once again, you don't have to keep reminding us that she's Michelle's mom. Since we're in Michelle's head, you can just go ahead and say, “Mom had a sorry look in her eyes.” “Mom took me to McDonalds.” Etc.

She was wearing silver hoop earrings, a pair of black and white Jordan's and pink lip gloss.

This just a personal view so take it with a grain of salt. But when say “a pair of Jordans” my first thoughts are the brand of shoes. The reason why it doesn't fit in this sentence is that you also mention earrings and lip gloss in the same sentence, which is focusing on the head.

Here's something to consider. Not everyone in the world is going to know what “Jordans” are. I might even be wrong about them being shoes. But there are going to be readers who see the lip gloss and earrings and think, “Oh, Jordans must be something like another pair of earrings or maybe necklaces.”

Jordans could also be the brand name of something entirely different in other parts of the world. For example, if I were to ask you what “Walkers” are, you might not immediately guess that they're a brand of potato chip in the UK.

Since this girl is obviously of interest to Michelle, you could spend a couple paragraphs describing her from head to toe. That would be even more effective than simply saying, “I wanted to kiss her”, because in a romance story, it's not uncommon for the author to take the time to describe a potential love interest from the POV of the protagonist or protagonists.

As Michelle is describing her, maybe throw in a few descriptions of her body reacting to the thoughts that she's so good at controlling. That would draw the reader deeper into her head and allow for a little more character development.

ma s***

ma locker

Where did this come from? It seemed like a typo at first but then it felt more like a complete character change. Since you establish Michelle is being more mainstream and less, forgive the expression, ghetto, these phrases don't seem to belong in her internal thought process.

My stomach had been growling since right after I finished those pancakes from McDonalds this morning. I know, I sound fat. Oh well. I love to eat, but with my 5’7 125 pound frame, you’d never guess.

“First of all, I don’t give a damn about what you run. Second, next time you step to me I’ll knock out your front teeth. Try me,” I say looking her dead in the eye.

These two scenes I really liked. In the first instance, we see that Michelle is insecure about her weight, which makes her human and easy to relate too because a lot of kids are insecure about their bodies. Never mind that pancakes wouldn't last long in anyone's stomach, least of all McD's hotcakes, and I certainly don't think someone “sounds fat” for being hungry at a regular mealtime. The fact that this makes sense in Michelle's mind is all that matters.

The second instance is of Michelle standing up to some overgrown mouthpiece. It tells me that while she may be insecure about her looks, she is far from an easy target.

I do feel like the end relationship was a bit forced Shelly. On the one hand it did solidify Michelle’s development as a strong minded character, so you’ve definitely done that much. But when you brought Shelly into it, things sort of sped up.

The real challenge of writing a short story isn’t cramming as much as possible into the story and then stopping. It’s telling a novel’s worth of story in less than two thousand words and leaving your reader with the same feeling of satisfaction that reading Remembrance of Things I Have Forgotten (great book by the way) might have left them. I’m left with more questions and in the end it’s your typical “coming out of the closet” story.

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
77
77
Review of The False World  
Review by NateSean
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I really like the premise of this story. My favorite moment was when you juxtaposed the “fantasy” world, which is where Greg felt real and alive with the “False World”, which is the real world he is unable to deal with.

This is story could also serve as a chilling social commentary. From drivers getting themselves killed feeding their Gigapets on a busy highway to parents neglecting their children and people losing their jobs so they can level up in World of Warcraft, there are a lot of bad apples who make the majority of the gaming subculture look bad. I have no doubt that if gaming were to advance to the level of sophistication in your story that this would be a very likely outcome.

Your biggest challenge is the execution. I feel like this was a story you rushed to finish and didn't bother to give it a proofread before you posted it.

The Crowd who had gathered around his beautiful golden halls cheered.

Crowd should be lowercase, unless there's a reason for making it a proper noun. For example, from a story point of view, it would make sense to capitalized Dreamscape, because it gives us the sense that Dreamscape is less like a product and more like a place to be in the mind of the main protagonist. But if you're going to do that, then make it consistent and always refer to Dreamscape as a proper noun.

There are a number of times when you treat random nouns like proper nouns by giving them capital letters, and I think this is a product of the rushing.

There are places where you could use some commas.

His royal chancellor asked, noticing his change in expression.

“I know, that's why I love you so!”


The house was empty so the door was left unlocked and he walked in easily.

He went to were his old bedroom was and looked inside the closet. It was still there hidden inside a blue shoe box.

This part kind of kills my suspension of disbelief. Because we're told that Greg was dreaming for at least two weeks or more, we have no sense of when his bank account cleared out, or when he sold his car and house. The impression the reader is given is that he was able to do this while he was in the Dreamscape world.

So in the time he was playing the game, it would stand to reason that his house was possessed and cleared of all personal belongings. And no one found the gun inside the shoebox?

Also, why would the house have been left unlocked? Whomever he sold the house to would have made sure no one could get in it. Even houses owned by real estate companies have a special box in place so that only the realtor can legally enter the home. If Greg sold his house to the city, then they would take steps to ensure that no one could break and enter, so that they could reclaim some of the value on the home when they sold or auctioned it off.

I know it doesn't sound like a huge deal. But sometimes those little details are what make or break a story. I could accept that there's a shoebox with a gun in the closet, but not that he just walked into a house he no longer owns. I could even accept that the door might have been carelessly left open by a bumbling city employee, but not that someone didn't wander in there, maybe a squatter, and searching for something to sell found the gun. One of those things has to be solid before I can believe the other.

What I think would really help this story would be to go back to the beginning. Describe the “fantasy” in greater detail, maybe even going so far as to have the story take place during the battle with the Goblin Queen's horde. Then as he's waking up, gradually explain the “Real World” by having Greg remember all of the things he's done, only to be roughly brought out of his sleep haze by the Dreamscape dealer.

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
78
78
Review by NateSean
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I'm glad you've found personal strength. We all have our trials that we have to deal with and mental illness is something everyone faces, whether they themselves are afflicted or they know someone else who has a mental illness.

I hope things are still working out for you.
79
79
Review by NateSean
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nicely written with a smooth flowing style. A few thoughts however.

Judgment sent
Persecution meant


This seems like a wasted line, included solely to fit a rhyme scheme.

Also: Written by Keaton Foster Copyright © 2012.

Unless you went out of your way to pay to have this poem copyrighted, we all ready see the copyright at the bottom of the item. Including this line makes you seem at best pretentious and at worst, paranoid that someone is going to come and try to steal it. It's okay to take pride in your work, but there there is a line. If you're concerned about people questioning your claim to originality, find a place to publish it, like in a magazine, where the magazine's copyright will protect you and you'll have a legitimate credit to your name.

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
80
80
Review of Handicapped  
Review by NateSean
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
A straight forward piece that tells the truth of relationships that become strained due to a person's perceptions of how much effort he or she will have to put into a friendship with someone who is handicapped.

The over use of commas are a bit distracting and I don't believe they add anything extra to the narrative.

Look at my broken body and/or my crippled mind.
Love for me, you can't find? God loves me as I am
Is your heart lame and/or blind?

Transposing words is an amateurish trick to force a rhyme that actually does detract from the flow of the piece. Also, I'm not sure the and/or slash is necessary in either of instances that you use it.

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
81
81
Review of I'm Still Me  
Review by NateSean
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
My experiences with the diagnosis weren't all that different. Although in my case, no one could accept that "I was still me" and they insisted from then on that everything I said or did was because of the diagnosis.

It didn't help that I was one of the first in my area to recieve it, so no one knew much about it then or that hanging a word over my head would suddenly make me easy to mold to their liking.

Oh well. We all go through trials.
82
82
Review by NateSean
Rated: E | (5.0)
Sherrilyn Kenyon is one of my favorite writers because of her ability to write a realistic conversation between two characters. Each one has their own viewpoint so that you never feel like two people are simply talking for the sake of hearing their own voices.
83
83
Review by NateSean
Rated: E
This would be easier to review if it were easier to read. To begin with, all new dialogue should begin on a new paragraph. Practice that until you are good at it and then you can bend and break the rules.

If you edit it and repost it, I will give you a more detailed review.
84
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Review of TV What if  
Review by NateSean
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
If you're serious about keeping the violence and language to acceptable levels, than you may want to lower the content rating. Also, some of the shows you've selected for choices are only inviting people to break the rules you've set.

Aqua Teen, Married with Children, etc.
85
85
Review by NateSean
Rated: E | (2.5)
This could be a very interesting story. But many potental contributers might be better encouraged to add something if you would be interested in putting a better effort into your own entries. Otherwise it feels a bit like the entire group getting the good grade for one student's best effort.
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86
Review by NateSean
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
What was your inspiration behind starting this interactive? I ask because everytime I think I've seen it all, something like this pops up. And I'm not trying to seem judgmental, because I think any form of creativity that goes on the page is something we should all support. I'm just curious.
87
87
Review of Monster Woods  
Review by NateSean
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
How did they "Make" me do something I didn't want to do? A longer entry explaining how might make for a more interesting invitation to contribute.

I'll admit that it's original and it stands out from the slightly more "creative" fantasies of the other interactive story contributers.
88
88
Review by NateSean
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I get the idea behind creating a different group. We know that the Sith were originally a whole species and that they are extinct as of Knights of the Old Republic, which took place 4,000 years before Episode One. So I buy that other groups of Force-Sensitive soldiers would form their own factions and that the only difference is that the Jedi and Sith have the better publicity.

My personal belief is that a good, beefy introduction is a better way to draw in quality contributors. But opening an Interactive with multiple choices is just as legitimate, as it allows slightly more creativity for people who are not intimidated by different styles of writing.
89
89
Review of Zack's Big Change  
Review by NateSean
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
I made an entry. It's been a while since I've watched Lyoko, but I think I still remember the basics. Let's hope other people decide to put in their own contributions. I just hope what I've added is along the lines of what you had in mind.

Good luck.
90
90
Review by NateSean
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
I try to focus purely on the creator's original opening to an Interactive story, because to judge it on the merits of other contributions would be unfair to both the original creator and the contributors.

The main challenge with writing an interactive, as well as writing and posting any piece, is the character limit. So I understand the compulsion to want to put a word count on each entry. But quality vs. quantity is a concept that can be applied to pieces like this.

The idea of something granting wishes isn't entirely original but it still allows for some creative writing. Because of how many interactive stories all ready have this theme, it would be a great idea to try to polish this opening entry so as to invite new contributors as opposed to encouraging them to find something they would not feel their talents would be wasted on.

So, you're just laying around your room, playing a good game of halo, when you hear a small boom come from downstairs.

Halo is the title of a game and therefore it is a proper noun. Proper nouns, such as names, places, titles and ideas should be capitalized unless it is important to the plot. (For example, prot, from K-PAX does not capitalize names or places as he feels they are not relevent. Words like PLANET and WORLD and the names of such places are depicted in all capital letters.)

Also, this sentence is very choppy and could be much simpler.

Suggestion:

You're plopped in front of the X-box mowing down aliens when a small boom from downstairs startles you.

If you just use "X-Box", then most readers will guess for themselves what game it is. Halo might not even be the topical game at the time someone reads this, so newer readers will mentally substitute the "360", or whatever the newer system is called.

Playing around and knowing that only your mother is in the house, you call, "Mom, are you cooking again?"

Suggestion: "Going to the top of the stairs, you call down, "Mom, are you cooking again?"
In her late thirties, your mom can't cook to save her life. She usually takes your comments in stride, but when no one answers, you worry. You know she's the only other person home right now.

stanks

Stinks.

quierks

Quirks.

Good luck.

{item:1300305 }
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Review of Learning to Fly  
Review by NateSean
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This one had a lot more intensity than some of your others. The main strength here is your originality and your ability to make a compelling opening entry that makes me really want to dive right in.

I don't know how long ago you posted this one, but there are some mistakes here that can be easily fixed.

However, once James was able to come to terms that they were real, he paied

Payed.

"Heh, all bark and no bite,"

There should be a comma or other punctuation there.

Regardless of how odd James found the girl, he didn't like the thought of guys ganging up on a poor girl.

Another thing I'd like to caution against is redundancy. Here in this sentence you all ready reference the "girl". We're not going to forget that it's a girl James is seeing, so an edit could fix this.
Suggestion:

Regardless of how odd she may have seemed, James couldn't stand by and do nothing.

Since we all ready know what's happening, this sentence furthers the character development of James by preparing us for his pending bravado.

In the opening paragraphs you mention daydreamer and daydreaming four times. For the same reasons I would recommend editing the sentence above, I'd suggest finding different ways to allude to James' daydreaming.

This is just a matter of personal taste, but I thought I'd mention it anyway and let you do with it what you will.

"Hey bozos! Pick on somebody your own size!"

There's nothing wrong with throwing a cliche in a story now and again, but maybe you could lampshade it by having James think to himself, My chance to impress a pretty girl with my heroism and that was all I could think of?

Also, he shows some pretty impressive tactics for a college student. Maybe a brief line that explains a past self-defense course, or how he works out that could explain why he doesn't have his bottom handed to him in the first five seconds would be useful here.

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
92
92
Review by NateSean
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Some of you guys (and possibly ladies) really do get desperate for something, don't you? If something new ever crops up, I don't know whether I'd be happy for the sign of progress or disturbed at what could possibly come from that concept or idea. Oh well. Enjoy.
93
93
Review by NateSean
Rated: E | (3.5)
All of these things and more. I'd be lying if I said the auto-reward didn't add something to the plate of incentives. On the other hand, there's a million or so writers on this forum and there's enough of a percentage of that million with auto-rewards that I can safely say that it's not that particular thing attracting me to any one particular item.

Mostly, and this wasn't listed in your choices, it's the hope that someone will see my reviews and decide to give me a review of equal depth and attention. That only seems like a fair exchange, doesn't it?
94
94
Review by NateSean
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
It's so sad that moer people don't add to the stories like this, but prefer to go for the stories that involve putting every fictional character in the multiverse in diapers. Or shrinking them. Or fattening them. I've added some more chapters, so here's to that.
95
95
Review of The Witch Sister  
Review by NateSean
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I think your entries have some of the more creative and well written segments. Naturally, a story with this kind of theme is going to attract a lot of different types and who am I to judge? If any of my family knew abotu the fantasies that went on in my head, I'd be sent to a one room occupancy in Antarctica to prevent me from coming to any family gatherings.
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Review of Candies of Change  
Review by NateSean
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is an interesting idea that opens up a lot of unique possibilities. You do have a few basic "grammar burps" and spelling mistakes along the way, but nothing that a good proofread won't fix.

I know the character limit on entries can make it challenging to format the entry as neatly as possible.
97
97
Review by NateSean
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a beautiful story. A simple tale of two worlds (in this case, the grandfather and the grandson) coming together and creating something beautiful and new. This story bares strong resemblance to the works of Bradbury and Harry Kuttner, with elements of the new era (IE: action figures and movies as those gifts “every child wants because that's what the current trend is”) making it your own.


The little turtle sandbox where he spent most of his afternoon hours never had enough sand to create everything his mind created.

There was a period missing there.

Finally, his seventh birthday arrived, and while aunts and uncles appeared with brightly colored packages filled with action figures and the latest movies, I loaded the back of the pick-up with bags of sand and shallow empty boxes

Often, I'd watch him drift off to sleep knowing his thoughts were of the endless sand cities he could create, if only he had more sand.

This only occurs in this paragraph. I wasn't sure if it was someone's thought process or if you had made a mistake in switching to first person. Personally I think the third person viewpoint works better in this story, as we see Timmy's thoughts on living with his mother and grandfather and comparing it to other families. Without it, some of the magic in the story feels lost.

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
98
98
Review of One of the girls  
Review by NateSean
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You're name is Tony.

Your is the appropriate word here. You're is the contraction of "You Are".

Otherwise, this is a great start to the interactive. I'm only reviewing your entry, because it would be unfair to make a judgement based on the additions of someone who put in a lesser effort.
99
99
Review by NateSean
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
This could be a very exciting interactive. I like X-men and Doctor Who. But some of the writing quality of the entries might turn off potential contributers who don't want their own work to be overlooked by someone who thinks this story would be a difficult read.

It isn't necessary to refer to the Doctor as "The Fourth Doctor"., because in-universe, his incarnations are not seperate characters, but different stages in his life. Unless, of course, there's some narrative reason to have more than one regeneration interacting, like in The Three Doctors, The Five Doctors, and the Two Doctors.

Dialogue from different characters should be started on a new paragraph.
100
100
Review of Recipes  
Review by NateSean
Rated: E | (4.0)
My parents have some great recipes for stew and meatloaf. A lot of my other recipes are from pure experience and changing an ingredient or two in time tested recipes.
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