Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1064538 by Not Available.
Plot
I enjoyed reading this story, and it all came down to this moving plot. It is a realistic situation which Halley manages to overcome both her mother and stepbrother's claws. I liked the focus on influence and relationship, for it brings the story's ending on Halley's viewpoint of what happened to Bianca.
Character deveopment is also very deep. Rene, Joshua and Bianca roleplay the parts that an abusive and neglected family would do. You have brought them to life well, and I found myself being able to relate to Halley's feelings against Joshua and their mother a lot.
Setting
You have created some brillant settings for the scenes in the story. The actions flow into one another well and are described with the feelings in tow. As fore-mentionned I shared Halley's feelings- her fears for her sister turning out like her mother, and for her own future, her hatred for both Joshua and her mother's lifestyle- they really helped darken the atmosphere so we could picture the events in the story.
Structure/Mechanics
You have kept to a decent structure in the story. The flashback has been placed in a suitable part in the story, although it means it does take up most of it. However, some sentences need to be re-written again, as they don't make sense. Sometimes you haven't put enough detail into a situation (I have pointed this out below).
I saw some spelling and grammar mistakes as well.
Suggestions 1) In some parts of this story, the sentence structure means that emotions don't come across correctly. Here are some examples of this: Halley faced the door, the red paint chipped and faded, the number 6 hanging loosely by one nail.
This sentence doesn't make sense because of the clause following 'Halley faced the door'. It comes on a bit sudden, so you could change the comma beforehand into a full stop and start a new sentence from there. “Don’t argue with me.” Renee slapped her daughter across the cheek leaving a red handprint clearly visible on the face.
I think the highlighted participle is too long for the sentence. You could split this with a comma inbetween 'cheek' or 'leaving', or use a full stop after 'cheek' and start a new sentence from there. She didn’t know where she would go but she did know that she would give Bianca a better life than what she would get here.
A comma is needed after 'go'. Also, use the subject Halley instead of 'she' somewhere in this sentence, otherwise it will sound odd when read aloud. 2) Spelling/Grammar errors: “Halley where have you been?”
A comma is needed after Halley. “You had better you slut,”
Place a comma inbetween 'better' and the second 'you'. Also, it is better to use an exclamation mark insteado of a comma at the end of this speech, as Joshua is yelling at Rene so he would be using onamatopeia. “Why you little.” Joshua pushed her back against the wall,
The full stop can be a dash to cut off the speech at this point. “You had better run,” Joshua screamed
Again, the full stop can be an exclamation mark. Renee slapped her daughter across the cheek
'Renee' should be 'Rene'. “Well then remember this is our little secret.”
A comma should be placed inbetween 'then' and 'remember'. All of her emotions tearing her mind apart.
This isn't a sentence because it doesn't have a proper main verb. Add in the word 'were' before 'tearing'. “Why didn’t you protect me?”
You haven't mentionned that Halley is saying this to her mother. It seems like she's thinking it, but isn't saying it out loud. You should clarify this.
Overall
An emotional story that was interesting to read, but it needs a bit more improvement on the flow of actions and the grammar side. Still, it releases lots of feelings and it definitely appeals to the reader, so I hope it has lots of potential. Keep Writing!
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1064538 by Not Available.
Mood/Atmosphere
I loved almost every emotional part of this song. The lyrics bring the atmosphere once again into a tragic yet deep thought-provoking sense of being. The words you have used made it feel like you were addressing everyone, including yourself.
The meaning of song- keeping a mask over yourself and not stating your true feelings- were truthful and I found them a bit inspiring, motivating even! I could relate to the scene of the little girl in the opening verse who seemed to have built a wall round herself.
Rhythm
A medium-paced rhythm helped the flowing of the lyrics and the emotions. I was able to connect the rhythm with a song of my own, so this helped me to understand it better. There aren't any forced couplets.
Structure/Mechanics
A very good structure here. Lines are equal and they all flow into the next line. You don't appear to have any spelling or grammar mistakes in the poem, and punctuation has been used correctly.
Overall
This is incredibly deep and meaningful to me. I like how your introduction has summarized this so crisply. Superb!
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Hello luv2mumble, this is Antonia reviewing you from:
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1114763 by Not Available.
I enjoyed reading your poem, as it was a composition of three limeracks back-to-back related to each other. There wasn't a lot of imagery between them, yet the surrealness of what the characters was still picturesque in my mind. I liked the repetiveness of the first and last lines to summarize what the character did, reminding the reader of who they were.
The layout is very tidy and the use of colours and the balloon emoticons helps to distinguish the verses from each other.
I did notice one spelling mistake: That little boy Bobby Billy
You forgot to put in the hyphon between 'Bobby' and 'Billy'.
A funny that I'm sure if I enjoyed, children will enjoy to. Great Job!
First and Foremost, thank you for your explanation of the Gayatri meter (I have heard of this poetry type before but didn't know how it went).
I really liked how your poem focused on the rain rather than the summer, as it showed how badly a 'rainy summmer' can go!
You have used metaphors where you can, so it was easy to picture and hear the rain falling and hitting the ground in my head. You could have had a bit more emphasis on the sun being hidden behind clouds, because I kept seeing rain but on a sunny day.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes and you've added in punctuation that allows pauses for someone reading aloud. The rhythm's flow is smooth and I liked its simple pace which I could follow.
I have one suggestion: The theme park closed their rides.
This line could be changed to:'Theme parks have closed their rides'.
Overall, your poem presents a simple situation which is very imaginitve and somewhat realistic. Well Done!
Regards,
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Hello renais, this is Antonia reviewing your item from:
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1114763 by Not Available.
Imagery
You do have some imagery in this poem, but from the reads it doesn't seem to be visible. You have only used oxymorons (e.g. 'I might be knocked up/But my love is true') and repetition of 'She's the girl' as each first line, but there aren't any signs of similes or metaphors. Therefore it was hard for me to imagine the girls' life, because you didn't give a vivid description of what the narrator was saying.
Mood/Atmosphere
Following on from the imagery, you have clearly shown the reader what kind of atmosphere to expect. It starts off as solemn and dark but by the end there is a hint of romance between the narrator and her now-boyfriend. I am sure that this poem's emotions did reach out to me, if only a little bit, and I would love to see more of the feelings affecting the reader and letting them relate to the poem. You have formed an excellent basis for that so far, but it isn't enough.
Rhythm
As you said in your post, the rhythm is smooth in some stanzas and forced in the others. Apart from the second and fourth verse, the rest have a line or too that needs changing for it to fit in with the rhyming pattern.
Also, with some of rhyming couplets the words only half-rhymne (eg. 'man' and 'planned', 'cursed' and 'worse' etc.) and these need to be changed or swapped around to make sense.
Structure/Mechanics
The structuring is good. Stanzas are spread out and easy to read and take in. You could use some punctuation at the end of some of the lines, but it isn't nesscessary.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes in your poem.
Suggestions 1) I think you should rewrite your poem's introduction. When I first looked at it, I was expecting a poem of abuse and boiled anger from the narrator's viewpoint, but your poem is one of romance because you don't really clarify the struggles other than this. Try this one: This is a poem about a young teenger's love from the struggles of life- it shows there is a romantic side to the poem.
2)Try including more imagery into your lines in the form of similes and metaphors. Maybe if some are rewritten in a more metaphorical way, the poem may flow better.
3)Rhyming errors: Whose future is cursed
Try replacing cursed with 'in curse' or 'in a curse'. Trapped in a screwed up world
Get rid of the word 'up'. It should still make sense. Life couldn't be much worse
Get rid of 'much'. They've already got it planned
Get rid of 'already'. I might be knocked up
Replace 'knocked up' with 'scarred', as this girl's trobles mean she is scarred for life. Thats what I love you for
'for' and 'more don't rhymne. Instead use: 'That's why you are my cure'. In my opinion, the length of this line doesn't matter because its the final line.
Overall
A personal, but deep poem sharing the teenage difficulties of romance. You just need to get the rhythm right and help the reader to imagine these feelings in their head. This has some more potential. Good Luck!
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Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1064538 by Not Available.
Plot
Once again, you have built on a original fairy tale to change into your own story. The special part for me was the change of narrative viewpoint. Here, Rumplestiltskin gives his side of the events and we can learn to see why he did it, and suddenly this fairy tale character doesn't seem so evil.
The character development is high for Rumplestiltskin's in particular, as you give the reader a lot of information that a reader of the original fairy tale may not have considered!
Setting
Your settings are finely tuned for the story. Every action and description is easy to visulize, yet the main concern in my opinion is the atmosphere. You have definitely added emotion to the story, especially at the end where Rumplestiltskin is left on his own to contemplate, but it didn't affect me that much, just there was no detail into feelings- they weren't mentionned with the actions that give them off.
Structure/Mechanics
You have a strong structure here. Paragraphs mainly consist of speech but as a reader I was still engaged in what both characters had to say. I like how the dialogue from each of them is kept in separate paragraphs, although in some cases it felt like a script because there is no text.
I saw a few grammar mistakes, and a query concerning some speech.
Suggestions 1) You may need to work on the emotions that Rumplestilskin has throughout his interview. I can read them in his speech, but they don't reach out to me. Try using more metaphors and similies when you desrcibe his life, so that the reader can relate to the issues and be more sympathetic to what he did and why.
2) Grammar mistakes: I was just lucky that he wasn’t some troll or worse a human, ugh
I think there should be commas in front of and behind the word 'worse'. Ot, add in the word 'even' before it, then a comma afrer 'worse'. “Thankyou for your time,”
'Thankyou' should be 'Thank you'.
3)My query regards this section of text: “I bet you want to know why I did it, that’s what they always ask.”
“Actually I want to know the reasons behind what you did,”
Hasn't the reporter more or less said the same thing as Rumplestilskin just before, because the difference between those two sentences doesn't make sense to me. You should change this to show how the reporter makes his claim for the interview so unique.
Overall
A story that stems a deep imagination and gets across an interesting viewpoint of the fairy tale character Rumplestilskin, but needs to improve on getting the emotions across to readers. Other than that, another interesting read from your port!
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Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1064538 by Not Available.
Plot
An engaging plot that caught my eye here. You built on a realistic scene and explained how something like Bilbo could be real. Character development in the story prompted very mixed reactions- Bilbo's personality was shown very well and gave reason for why children are "made" to do naughty things. Jamie however doesn't seem to have a personalty that is as detailed. You haven't shown why she obeys the little voice that is Bilbo, which is something you should work on.
Setting
As I said before, your setting is very realistic, but not really that vivid. I was able to picture the characters speaking to one another and demonstrating the actions described, but it was hard to see them moving about. However, another good point was that the feelings of guilt and misunderstanding from Jamie's mother came across clearly here, so I was able to relate and sympathize with Jamie as a whole.
Structure/Mechanics
You have quite a well-written layout here with your story. Paragraphs are concise and you've broken down the story well for a child audience to understand. In some places, though, you haven't used the correct punctuation for the dialogue; for example when Jamie's mother is shouting at her daughter you use commas instead of exclamation marks- it makes the conversation lacking in feeling.
The beginning drew me into the story in quite a tense situation, but then explains the voice in the head. The middle brings Bilbo to life and shows his influence, with the ending bringing Jamie back into disdain.
I saw some grammar mistakes, referring to sentence structure and punctuation.
Suggestions 1) Maybe just before Bilbo begins to speak to her, add a paragraph presenting Jamie's point of view on what was happening. How does she feel about the little voice telling her what to do? How long has this been going on for? Providing a focus on Jamie improves her character development.
2)Just as easy as that and the girl was on a chair, reaching for the cookie jar. ‘SMASH’, the glass jar hit the floor.
I think the second sentence is a bit vague. Explain how Jamie knocked the cookie jar onto the floor. Was it already near the edge of a shelf? Describe more about where the jar has been placed as well as how Jamie gets to it.
3) Grammar/Punctuation errors: “Jamie Lynn Turner.” A voice thundered through the long hall.
The full stop before the end of the speech should be either an exclamation mark or a comma (to lead into the next question). “It was… it was Bilbo.”
The full stop should be an exclamation mark. “You want cookies.” Bilbo whispered down the long passage.
The first full stop in the speech should be a question mark. “No” A small voice answered,
There should be a full stop after 'No' in the speech marks. “But they’re up so high.” The girl was arguing again.
You have choice of punctuation other than a full stop to put here. I reccomend an exclamaion mark, although it actually may not fit in with the speech. “Jamie Lynn Turner.” Her mother roared.
See first suggestion for the similar sentence at the beginning. “There is no such thing as Bilbo.”
Replace the full stop with an exclamation mark.
Overall
Definitely a witty, imaginitive story that reflects on children making a choice on doing something- and which also seems to be directed at adults (the end paragraph). It puts across a message that encourages children to resist that "little voice" in their heads. It needs only a little bit more detail for this rich story; it already has lots of potential.
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Hello renais, it is Antonia reviewing the first item posted in:
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1114763 by Not Available.
Mood/Atmosphere and Imagery
I enjoyed reading your haiku; it creates a very calm and quiet atmosphere in combination with the imagery describing the beginning of summer. I could picture the narrator sitting under a large, oak tree with bees buzzing and hovering above you. The sunlight really helped with this beautiful scene I saw.
Structuring/Mechanics
The layout is fine. The rhythm is very simple but it still rhymnes together with the syllable pattern. One little thing; you describe this as 'one' haiku, but it is actually three of them in one item!
Overall
An effetive poem with three haikus which clearly shows that summmer has gone. I can see why this has got such high ratings; Good Work!
Regards,
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Your essay/rant provides a very personal view of stardom and how somebody feels. I liked that kind of approach to show what a real celebrity might be feeling in this kind of situation.
What I didn't like was that your review is very one-sided. Obviously the papparazi and other media like them are an annoying lot, just wanting to take pictures for money. However, you also say:
They forced me into this state. They placed me on this effing pedestal without asking if I am liking and enjoying what I am doing.
I think you should consider two points with these sentences: that stars are expected to do this weekly and cope with this treatment, and that they should know that this would happen eventually (the latter point comes from my impression that the quote gave me when I read it- that stars are kidnapped and made to do this).
I suggest you go back further into this character's life and explain how they made it to stardom- what did they think of it at first? You need to write a paragraph on this, as it will support your rant and share other's opinions of it.
Overall, a rant with some truthful words in it, but needs to clarify more about this person's feelings of turning into a famous person, not just being one.
Regards,
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Hello, John. This is Antonia reviewing the item you posted in:
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1114763 by Not Available.
Plot
So far, I think you have a very good plot. My first impressions are that a good development of characters has been placed here. Your first chapter has introduced them well and given some very vivid descriptions of their appearances and personalites. The story outline itself seems to be very interesting currently. The fact that the beginning of chapter 2 didn't start with the same scene and characters meant that you are switching between two different events. That is a good idea because it shows variety in your story from near the start and mantains the attention of the reader.
Setting
Some super in-depth descriptions of settings have been written down in both chapters/parts, as well as the actions that take place in them. These details will have helped me to visualize a better picture of what is happening here.
The beginning is very slow-paced, but it starts off well for building up the scene outside.
I cannot comment on the ending of chapter 2, as you tell me it isn't complete, but your ending for chapter one finished on a dreamy note, encouraging the reader to read the next chapter.
Structure/Mechanics
Lots of improvement is needed in this area. Although this is only a draft, some of the paragraphs are too spaced out, other parts need some commas to separate them and there are many spelling mistakes (which I've pointed out below). Other than this, the story is still readable (just about though). You don't have to correct these straight away, just remember them for the future.
Suggestions
I have no suggestions for the plot and setting now, because these are still being built up well. Instead, I have pointed out genral grammar errors regarding the item: 1)Try using indents for the beginning of paragraphs (indents are created by WritingML), as this makes them easier to read and mark out. 2)When writing dialogue, it is a good idea to space each different persons' speech out, as to make it more distinguishable as to who is speaking when. Also, leave a line when beginning to write dialogue as well. 3) Remember to proofread your work. I cannot stress this enough. Mistakes include missed punctuation after dialogue, missing commas in dialogue and sentences and many spelling errors. I will let you find them yourself.
Overall
This story seems to start really well with a dismal situation for the plot and in-depth settings, but improvement is needed with the layout.
Hello edmond530, this is Antonia here reviewing your piece posted in:
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1114763 by Not Available.
Imagery
I liked very really effective imagery here. The first time I didn't see how much has been used, but then I saw the concealed but also powerful use of metaphors, emphasizing the actions the characters committed and their seriousness. I found the last stanza the most intriging, as it narrates how a wallflower quenched its thirst- I didn't understand it but the language you used here helps me to picture what this could have been.
Mood/Atmosphere
Again, your language depicts a very dark atmosphere in the poem, and a gruesome one considering how these people have harmed themselves and others. Your imagery's ability to conceal the realistic truth of the acts behind a metaphorical wall means that it also is one of mystery, letting the reader trying to imagine each character's feelings of what they had done and the effect it has on people with similar jobs to them. A good job at putting in a powerful meaning for this poem- that 'good' people aren't as innocent as they seem.
Rhythm
Your rhythm fits very well with your poem's concept, but it doesn't sustain a smooth flow. Some lines have words with too many syllables to keep to the pattern (which I have pointed out below).
Structure/Mechanics
You have a perfect structure of equal stanzas, each one referring to a different person of social life and status and how harmful they become throughout the verse. A variant of words have been used, both complex and simple, and I also liked the use of brackets in one case to change the opinion of the man and add irony to his cause.
I noticed only one spelling mistake.
Suggestions
Just some suggestions regarding the change of the rhythm to fit in with the flow (I am making it fit in with the first stanza):
A housewife has five small cubs.
Change to 'A housewife with five cubs' Rapes a girl in a parking lot.
Instead of 'in a parking lot', try 'at night'. He slits her throat slowly
Add in the word 'so' between 'throat' and 'slowly'. He thanks them by going far.
Add in the word 'too' between 'going' and 'far'.
2) A spelling mistake: With both of his heads severed.
'heads' should be 'hands'.
Overall
A powerful, thought-provoking poem regarding not just these particular individuals, but people today with the same ideals. Just improve some more on the rhythm and you will be on your way. Well done for now!
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Hello gypsy4evermore, its Antonia again reviewing "Brushstrokes" from the 'Simply Everything' group.
Imagery
The imagery in this poem is very effective. You use lots of metaphors to support the poem's conept of painting the sky vividly and realisticly. I noticed a minor but good use of alliteration (Soft silver linings, Brushstrokes of beauty etc.). All of this combined helps to create a powerful picture of the poem's concept.
Mood/Atmosphere
As with the imagery, the mood and atmosphere come across to me as peaceful, calm but vibrant, all of which is supported by your choice of language. You have used some strong, colourful words to put this across to the reader. This results in a short but fine poem at describing a picture and the wonders whilst doing so. It didn't really send out many emotions, but it did promote some stillness in me when I read it both to myself and aloud.
Rhythm
A suitable pattern is what you have used in this poem. On each of them, only the last two lines had rhythm on but this helped with mantaining the concept. The flow of both the rhythm and syllabic patterns on the lines was smooth and there weren't any large disruptions which mean a change in the stanza either.
Structure/Mechanics
The layout of the verses fits with the poem well, and is what makes two of the lines rhymne together. Also, you used punctuation on each line to provide breaks for the reader. Another key point I saw in the poem was the use of repetition with the word 'sky' at the end of each stanza's first line, but also with the title and the starting word in the poem 'Brushstrokes'.
I couldn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes whilst reading through this.
Suggestions
Just one suggestion regarding a line. Your last line is: Welcome the sun, farewell the night.
I think that 'sun' should be replaced with 'day', as these two words are opposites and present a better contrast for the final line.
Overall
An excellent poem that has extrememly vivid imagery in it and keeps to an unusual rhythm and structure. I enjoyed reading it. Well done!
Regards,
Antonia
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Hello, autumnlullaby, this is Antonia reviewing your second piece from:
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1114763 by Not Available.
(Sorry that this review is so late!)
Imagery
I liked your expansive use of metaphors in the poem to show the "screams" of silence and its deeper meaning, which you've conveyed well because once in the second verse I fully understood its concept. I noticed a piece of assonance in the poem- You quietly start to rip me apart
Even if it was pure accidental, this is part of imagery and supports the concept a lot throughout.
Mood/Atmosphere
The mood was very tempremental. I easily imagined someone losing their temper when they couldn't control their feelings. What was even better about the atmosphere was that it allowed me to relate to the narrator's feelings about something that causes them to release their anger. This realistic context has affected our soceity for ages, and your poem brings a good message to this. Well done again.
Rhythm
Your rhythm fits in with the personal concept that is being described here, however the flow is disrupted a few times during the poem. A couple of syllables need removing or adding in these lines to smoothen out the flow (see Suggestions below).
Structure/Mechanics
Structure is decent, with verses and lines of equal lengths which support the poem. As with the last poem you linked to me, it would be helpful to the reader if you included punctuation, for it helps the reader when reading aloud to give breaks.
I noticed one spelling mistake (pointed out in Suggestions below).
Suggestions 1) Rhythm suggestions: No more tears will be shed for you
Change this line to:'No more will tears be shed for you The scars I hide are what's left of us
This is a tricky line to change, for it could result in needing to change the line below it to fit with the rhyming scheme. My only good one would be to replace 'I hide' with 'which'. Finally I turn back, realizing we're through
Replace 'finally' with 'then' and 'realizing' with 'knowing'. Couldn't you see that I loved you
Change this line to 'Could you not see that I loved you'. I look at these scars in brief disgust
Replace 'I look' with 'I regard'.
2) Try putting punctuation into your poem. Place periods and commas at the end of appropiate lines. If it doesn't look or feel right, get rid of them.
3) Spelling mistake: I've sacraficed enough for you
'sacraficed' should be 'sacrificed'.
Overall
A poem that can easily put its message across with the use of imagery and language really well. Again, it needs a lot of improvement on rhythm and some presentation.
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Hello Lon, this is Antonia here reviewing your folder as part of:
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1079421 by Not Available.
You have some great stories here. My favourites were 'The Apprentice and the Crystal Ball' and 'The Half-Blood' because of your interesting perspective on wizards and demons. These stories have plots which craft new creatures and snugly fit in the details needed to create rich settings such as the ones in the items pre-mentionned.
One thing though: you say that the folder contains fantasy and Sci-fi stories, but the four you have here are all fantasy. You may want to get rid of the S/F in your folder and item intro. But that is just a minor suggestion.
These four items contain some excellent reads showing your broad knowledge of fantasy. Well done!
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Hello {suser:someone special}, this is Antonia here reviewing your from:
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1114763 by Not Available.
Imagery
A very good use of imagery in this poem. I liked the comparison between someone you loved and the most beautiful star, only to find that the star wasn't as pretty. You described this in a very detailed metaphorical way. Also, this is a sign of personification, as a star (something alive yet non-living) is shown to be very alive like a human in the poem. Good work!
Mood/Atmosphere
The mood and atmosphere in the poem doesn't seem to be there. What I mean is that I don't feel any emotions when I read it, because although it is a love poem it doesn't seem sad nor happy to me whilst reading this. You need to make the emotions come across much more freely, so that I can understand why the star looked 'dull and bland' when the lover opened up her palm to take a look at it.
Rhythm
I have mixed reactions to your rhythm. The first verse is perfect. The second verse is OK too.
The third verse however disrupts the poem at this point, especially with the first line 'Something disheartening happened', as does the third line which feels like a syllable is missing or it was carried onto the fourth line. The fourth verse is much like the second, except that 'exude' and 'you' unfortunately don't end rhymne together. You will have to change either word, but also so that the poem still flows right til the end.
Structure/Mechanics
The structuring is good. Verses are an equal four lines each. I did see lots of punctuation missing in the poem, though. There were only a few full stops/periods in the poem, even though there are lots of proper sentences for each two lines. Some commas need to put in as well.
I didn't see any spelling mistakes, though.
Suggestions 1) The first line of the third verse enters as slightly abrupt when I read it, as the events of what follows feels sudden and unexpected. It is also out of place when reading it out loud. Include the word 'but' or 'yet' at the beginning of the line.
2)you opened up your palm
and the star looked dull and bland
The top line is missing a syllable or two when I read it out loud, wheras the bottom line has one too many. For the top include the words 'for as' and on the bottom get rid of 'and'. This will mantain the flow that we lost before.
3)I guess it couldn't outshine
the beauty you exude.
The prettiest star in the universe
cannot compare to you
As I stated before, the rhyming couplets don't rhymne here. My suggestion is that you change 'exude' to 'conclude', as I think that the word 'you' sustains the poem's end.
4) You need to put in some more punctuation:
After the second line on the first verse, place a colon at the end. Put a full stop at the end of the fourth line in this same area.
For the end of the second verse, include a full stop.
On the third verse, place a full stop at the end of the second line. The same goes for the fourth line.
Finally, a full stop is needed on the very last line.
Overall
A fine poem that expressed what it was about really well, but didn't put across any emotions to help me feel what was going on. The rhythm was wavering a lot, but this can easily be sorted out soon. Keep Writing!
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Your welcome message to this contest is very helpful, as I think it contains more information than on the contest forum itself. I like the way you have laid this out- you have highlighted important guidelines with emoticons and/or colour which makes them stand out more.
However, some more important points here need to stand out as well:
In the Off Limits section, put 'Images' and 'My Sample Chapters Folder' in Bold, as these words are the ones that you're referring to.
Your additional pointers- you could have a bullet point for each separate one, instead of starting a new one on the next line each time.
Also, here are some sentences that need an extra word or two/a word or two taken out to make sense: Note that I'm active in a number of different things here on WDC so don't be surprised if you thought you cleaned out one of my folders or book items only to find a new entry or added short story/poem a few days later.
This sentence is far too long to say in one breath- place a comma after 'WDC', use a connective or start a new sentence from there. I will make a cut-off, anything I add after July 27
'July 27' should be 'July 27th'. Reviews need to be posted to this forum to qualify.
The full stop should be a semi-colon, as it leads onto a bitem link (which in a way is a list).
Finally, there is a suggestion for what to include in the Off Limits/Additional Points section- are we allowed to R-R-R folders? How would we be able to rate them otherwise. I think you should put this down as a guideline. Just a suggestion in order to make it more clear whether we can.
Overall, your welcome message definitely provides me with some great guidelines. Just a few more points need highlighting.
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Hello Lon. It is Antonia again, one of the contestants from:
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1079421 by Not Available.
Plot
A very interesting plot that hooked me on throughout. At first, I thought the story was going to be like the Sorcerer's Apprentice, but a bit more sad. However, as I saw how the characters developed it seemed to form into something entirely different. I am glad that the story had a happy ending, as all the way through I was worried that Alia might be tricking Mouse and that the wizard was actually a good guy, but you kept this well hidden nonetheless.
Character development, although not severely deep, showed the characters' personalites without the need of a paragraohs for their description. I liked the way that you always referred to the apprentice using 'she' as the pronoun, as I almost didn't notice until she first met Alia and she asked for her name. An excellent job you've done here.
Setting
You described some of these settings very vividly. I could visualize the study and the workroom very well, although it was a bit hard to picture the kitchen in my mind. However, this doesn't matter as only the beginning of the story takes part there. The flow of the story is very smooth and every action fits in with each other. Not much problem here.
Structure/Mechanics
Your layout is very good. Paragrahs aren't too long, your dialogue is clear to read and the dividers are in the right places. The beginning of the story was slightly rushed, especially as it seemed to be quickly disrupted by the wizard's dialogue. Your ending felt unfinished too: “Yes of course. You need a home, and a teacher. And we have both.”
This gives me the impression that you have written a sequel. The ending has rounded off events, but nonetheless it still leaves me wondering what they got up to.
I didn't see any spelling mistakes but I did notice some grammar errors (in Suggestions below).
Suggestions 1) Try to round off the ending with another, small paragraph explaining what happened to Mouse, Alia and her strange new master. How did Mouse feel about this new life? Did she really have potential? You can choose how she reacted.
2) Some grammar errors: And my study, doesn’t look like you’ve been in there in days! Where are you girl?”
The word 'it' should be placed in between the comma and 'doesn't'. In the next sentence, put in a comma between 'you' and 'girl'. “Be patient,Mouse.
There should be a space after the comma.
Overall
A short story that was a pleasure to read and one that I'm glad had a happy ending. It made me feel sad and joyful at the same time. A super piece here; Keep Writing!
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A short but informative essay on the aspects of favouritsm. The beginning drew me in by hinting on what this is about, which gets the reader to think and guess, instead of starting with a basic 'I think that'.
Here, you have provided many examples and go through them in detail which takes up a moderately large paragraph. The language that you use whilst describing these supports your point, without offending anybody.
Your ending finishes on a solemn note, as to make us reconsider our actions that use favouritism and making the point on how it can affect children's lives in the future.
Overall, I like the way your essay has been presented to show your argument, and I think that it is persuasive, honest and clearly to the point.
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Hello dreamer. Welcome to Writing.com. I have read your story, and it seems to give out a good message to its audience. Here's my full scale review:
Plot
Generally, your short story has a realistic plot that refers to our real, daily lives. It does emphasize on doing something good for others rather than your own desires, which is a very suitable message for a children's story. The character development isn't really in-depth (but only because the story is too short to give out any detailed information), but I liked the mysteriousness of the man that gave Chris the $1000. His lone appearance at the beginning gave him a spirtual quality.
Setting
You have described the settings quite throughly in the story. Actions of the characters are quite smooth and don't interfere with other characters' movements. Some actions take longer than usual, but it is good that you slowed the time down to allow a full description of the homeless man, his appearance and how he ate the food. This allows sympathy from both Chris and the readers to shine.
I am concerned about your story's beginning, though, because of the abrupt way that Chris recieves the $1000. See the suggestions section for tips on how it could be improved.
Structure/Mechanics
The layout of the story is fairly well done. You have spaced out dialogue and paragraphs, making them clearer to read whilst comphrehending the text. I have already made my statements about the story's beginning, so onto the ending. The message is clearly shown here, and I liked how you skipped the whole business of donating money, instead sustaining the suspense a little longer.
I saw a couple of grammar mistakes, which I have pointed below.
Suggestions
Just a couple of suggestions:
1) You need to revise the beginning. It was a bit too sudden for the man to just stop Chris, give him the thousand dollars and disappear. Put another starting sentence in front, or change the original one so it goes something like this even: Chris was walking home from school when a man stopped him in his path.
It doesn't have a fairy tale start, but catches the reader's attention straight away.
2) In the second main paragraph, Chris is stating his thoughts about what to do with the money just after Pete goes out of the room. Yet, it looks like an ordainary sentence to me. To show its speciality, try highlighting it with italics.
3) A grammar error: The next day, as Chris walked out of the homeless shelter on Mulberry Drive. He realized he felt proud of himself and his decision to donate the money to the shelter.
Your first sentence doesn't make sense because the clause is either incomplete or broken from the rest (the next sentence) by the full stop. Get rid of the full stop and put a comma in its place.
Overall
A story that gives a strong message about choices and dilemmas. It affects our soceity in real life as well as here and it is good that you made Chris do the right thing by acting on his instincts.
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Hello caliban. This is Antonia reviewing an item of your work from an email request.
Because you are new here, I will give you some tips on how to get your work seen to be rated and reviewed:
'Plug' your work into as many pages as possible. On the Site Navigation, click on Item Jumps and scroll up to Review Requests. Read the rules there and copy your item's ID number into the first box and give a description via. the second box.
You can also use Review Forums, which are forums which people set up to review other's items. Choose the one(s) that suit your fancy.
Plot
The plot was quite interesting. At first I thought that the disappointing new house meant that John would eventually leave for a new life, but your ending proved me wrong. It was a lovely ending which brought the relationship of John and Stephanie together regardless of the house's state. A short plot, but one that gives out a romantic message in a way.
Setting
Your settings are very detailed. I could easily imagine what the interior of the house looked like, because you not only described the rubbish and John's viewpoint of it, but also how it smelt as well. The fact that the smell was a rancid one (I don't want to say it out loud) made the house seem more realistic to imagine. The reminder of a house similar to the one helped create some irony in his new life as well, which was very effective.
Structure/Mechanics
The story's layout was hard to read throughout. Everything, including dialogue, was bunched together. You tried to use paragraphs, but they just started on the next line so they didn't look clear enough to be ones.
You also had some spelling and grammar mistakes in the story (see Suggestions below).
Suggestions
A couple of suggestions regarding Structure/Mechanics:
1) Space out your paragraphs. Missing out one line between each makes the story clearer, but also use indents at the beginning of them. If you don't know how to use indents, open up the WritingML window and choose 'Basic Tags'.
2) Spelling mistakes: The place smelt life cat piss.
'Life' should be 'like'. the carpets where dingy
'Where' should be 'were'.
Overall
A short, short story, which could have had a bit more development, but I did like its ending and the message it gave a lot. Try spreading the layout a bit more, because I think it has a lot of potential.
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This is a superb essay with lost of truthful and key arguments in them.
I am a teenager and I am annoyed when people mutter about how we're so annoying and violent, yet we now have better educations and freer lives. Your essay has outlined those reasons and also states many excellent points on the influence. These are enforced by questions stated after the opposition's points, which make the reader sit up and take intrest.
Overall, a very thought-provoking essay, showing us that life isn't, and doesn't have to be perfect.
Imagery
The imagery in the poem is quite effective at helping the reader to imagine what's happening. Metaphors are used a lot here, helping to describe the word "Depression" and its effects.
Mood/Atmosphere
The mood came across to me as very dark and getting more tense as the poem went on describing "Depression". I was able to sense the approaching atmosphere to the poem, meaning I could relate with it and understand its meaning. The language used benefited highly to the poem's increasing dark mood.
Rhythm
The stanzas you have chosen for this poem are a good choice, and at first the flow runs along perfectly, fitting in with the concept of the poem. However, the flow begins to get chopped up, and on one verse it stopped rhyming completely! I don't understand what happened there on the fifth verse, but "everything" and "gain" definitely do not rhymne. This needs a lot of work. But you have still managed to convey the message using half-rhymnes, which is good.
Structure/Mechanics
You have a good layout for your poem, with each verse having four lines to it and most of them being rhyming couplets. Your ending verse finishes off the poem nicely with the word "crave" (a synonym of desperation), which fits in with each other. It doesn't appear to have any spelling mistakes here, but no lines have any grammar on it. If someone was reading this out loud, when could they take in breaths?
Suggestions
A couple of suggestions:
1) Sort out the rhythm. Although most words rhymne, others either don't rhymne at all or half-rhymne but don't fit in because of too little or too many syllables. Try making lines longer or more concise to fit this.
2) Include grammar on the lines of your poem. This includes periods (full stops), commas, colons and so on. A lack of grammar doesn't help with presentation and makes it harder for someone to read the poem out loud.
Overall
A emotional poem with increasing tension, but needs a little improvement on rhythm. Good Luck and Keep Writing!
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A short poem, which I think shows your way of finding the perfect one for you. Here's my full scale review:
Imagery
A lot of imagery is crammed inside this small poem! Metaphors are used in literally every line. Although that's the only type that I can see, it is good enough to allow the reader to relate to your opinions. When reading it myself I had a sense of floating in space come across me, especially on the line:
'As I watch my life go floating by'
Very effective indeed, but don't have too much otherwise the poem's meaning gets very clouded.
Mood/Atmosphere
Likewise, the atmosphere also is sensed by me. It seems to be one of daydreaming, wonder and happiness. The poem's language acheives this and allows me to see a picture of the scenes (although these are still hard to imagine due to the cloudiness imagery).
Rhythm
The stanzas used seem to be a good combination with the atmosphere and imagery to get across your message to the readers. However, the flow gets disrupted by the second rhyming couplet, although I think that because the number of syllables for each line are the same it shouldn't matter (possibly a senryu)
Structure/Mechanics
I like the poem's layout, for the reasons stated in the Rhythm section. The last line is the one I find intriging, repeating the poem's title and actually incorporating it into your piece.
You don't have any spelling mistakes, but you don't have any grammar in the lines either. Every other line should have a period, because it would be the end of a sentence. This isn't really necessary, however.
Suggestions
Just add some appropiate grammar to the end of the sentence (e.g periods, commas etc.).
Overall
A short poem, but a short one with lots of significance relating the reader and you as the narrator. A well-written piece.
I'm certain that this story has a lot of potential in it, but as you have said there is something missing. Here's my full scale review:
Plot
You have a very basic plot here, due to a huge lack of character development. However, I did like the fact that we didn't know much about the character's relationships with each other and the past. This leaves space for more action because of the suspense. Nevertheless, your characters have monotone personalites. All I know is that the women has style and that the man that isn't the narrator seems desperate to want her.
Setting
Your setting of the resturant was described with some detail, as was the lady with her actions and gestures with her bag. I was able to imagine her movements and conversations with the other man. Also, I could sense the feelings of all the characters, although I couldn't relate with all of them because of their blunt personalites or a lack of involvement within the story.
Structure/Mechanics
Your structure is fairly well done, because your paragraphs are short, concise and therefore easy to read. The dialogue is also clear, and I could tell who it was being directed to. You didn't have any spelling or grammar mistakes either. Your beginning draws the reader in and the ending rounds off nicely in a short, clarifying sentence.
Suggestions
Some suggestions here:
1) Who was the narrator character? He/She/It doesn't get a mention until almost halfway into the dialogue. His part in the story seems to be bland- is he meant to be a ghost, or the woman's teenage son? You need to clarify his role and actions. 2) Show the emotions of the characters. Their body language give readers a hint of what they're feeling, but for David the emotions must be conveyed to the readers. This women doesn't feel like talking about past events- how does he feel? State the way they talk to each other with adjectives, and also let the main character write down his emotions too.
Overall
Your story, due to its tension and past mysteries between the characters, has lots of potential. However, your character development definitely needs a lot of improving, but once the characters are formed then you're on your way to making this great, I can tell.
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Hello Countrymom, this is Anti sending you a return review for my contest entry.
Imagery
The poem's context means that there isn't a lot of clear, metaphorical imagery here. However, I can see lots of personification for words such as 'printer' and of course 'authors'. Therefore, this language helps with painting a picture in the reader's mind.
Mood/Atmosphere
Your poem was unique to me in the fact that it didn't try to make the user feel sad or upset. Your choice of words make the poem seem so inspirational to me, giving my emotions a sense of well-being and encouragement. It also promotes happiness for the Writing.com community, but it also affects people outside it as well.
Rhythm
Your ab,cb stanzas are very effective at bringing across your point because you don't have to use so many words to rhymne. Of course when you do have to rhymne you do an excellent job. However, the flow was hard to follow when I read it out loud (but if my deciphering of the stanzas was incorrect, please let me know because I'm sure I can sense another pattern).
Structure/Mechanics
A very balanced structure that you have used here, with each verse being four lines long. Everything kept to the poem's main concept, yet still moving onto the different aspects of being an author/writer. You also have a wide variety of grammar, punctuation and words without any errors in them, improving this section's presentation greatly.
Suggestions
None really. I am unsure whether to suggest something about the meter and its rhythm, but I think that I'm not paying attention to the poem. Just when I read it out loud, some parts seemed to disrupt its flow, so a reader would be unprepared.
Overall
A beautiful poem that gives a out a lot of inspiration to readers old and young, showing your perception to carry on even if you don't get published. You are an excellent writer and someone who should be discovered.
Regards,
Antonia
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Halley faced the door, the red paint chipped and faded, the number 6 hanging loosely by one nail.