Hello Loti. I'm reviewing your poem "The Stars" on behalf of the Mod Review Blitz!
Good Points
My favourite aspect of this poem was the rhymne scheme; I think its simplicity and rhythm and helped convey the narrator's curiosity about the stars really well. The last two lines also caught my attention because I could sense your wistfulness for visiting the stars.
Suggestions for Improvement They wink at me the while - This line doesn't make sense, yet I think you've left out the word 'at' so that the poem's flow is maintained, so I suggest something like: 'They wink here all the while'.
Spelling/Grammar
I didn't spot any mistakes.
Overall
An enjoyable poem with a smooth, lively rhythm which fits well with the thoughts of the stars. Great Job!
Hello. I'm reviewing your item "Bitter Frost" on behalf of WDC Power!
Good Points
What I particularly liked was the metaphor of Pain as a 'Mistress of Darkness' as you put it. You use some very evocative language here to convey the narrator's dependence on pain and I did feel that I could understand her unhappiness and desperation. Plus, even though there is no rhymne scheme the langauge and imagery fits the poem well enough to not disadvantage the style of the poem.
Suggestions for Improvement
Sometimes you use synoynms where a simpler word would be just as or perhaps more poignant. For example 'affirmed my berth' seems a bit unclear to me and, in my opinion, stance instead of berth might sound better.
Also I think that adding puncutation such as commas and fullstops will help with the flow of the poem, especially when it is read aloud.
Spelling/Grammar
I didn't spot any mistakes in this poem.
Overall
This is quite a powerful poem with some nice imagery and word choice and I do think it has potential. Good Job!
Hello turtlemoon. I came across your poem "Winter's First Bite" on the Plug Page.
Good Points
This poem has some beautiful imagery, my favourite metaphors being the 'frozen cloud' and 'miniscule white bites', that effectively convey the cold. I think the sounds of your words and the indents throughout the poem also help to impose a harsh, wintery atmosphere - your title is a perfect fit to this poem!
Suggestions for Improvement
A couple of phrases of your poem are a bit unclear to me. I don't understand why the person in this poem is referred to as 'the speaker' since they are not speaking, but only observing the scene in front of them. Moreover I couldn't if 'convince the moment/to retrace steps back...' is metaphorical or again referring to the woman heading back inside (this is only my personal interpretation however and I may have missed something).
Spelling/Grammar
I didn't see any mistakes in this poem.
Overall
Like I said before, I really liked the imagery and layout of this poem and I think it captured the atmosphere of the start of a winter storm perfectly. Great Job!
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Hello marteeno, welcome to writing.com. My name is Antonia and I saw your story on the Newbie Works page.
As a big lover of the ancient world the plotline for this story intrigued me. Maximus's dream of being a solidier instead of a senator is presented well -I could sympathize with his character's feelings as a boy who wants to become something his parents will not allow. The settings are also described in depth and made vivid through you using most of the senses (sight, touch, smell and hearing) throughout the story.
Sometimes you switch to the present tense instead if past in your narrative, e.g: Screeched his mother...While His mother is leading him home,
In my opinion the present tense suits your narrative better because it helps the story move along well, therefore you should be more consistent. Furthermore, I didn't really understand why Maximus's parents wouldn't want him to go into the army, because as a wealthy child he could gain a high position as a minor commander or something (which would also help him in the Senate). Perhaps you could clarify this in Maximus's conversation about his dream to be a soldier to the horses.
I also suggest spacing out your direct speech because it is very confusing being together in large paragraphs.
Additionally, there are quite a few spelling and grammar mistakes in your story so far, so I suggest doing a proof read for corrections.
Nevertheless I think your story does show promise of a good plotline and an interesting main character who I would like to see developed. So far, it is a fairly good piece of work but it needs some improvement. Still, keep working on this story and enjoy writing.com!
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Hello m&m, I saw your poem "Blue" on the Newbie Works page and decided to check it out!
There are definitely some good examples of how blue is a potent colour in this poem, my favourite being the first (and obvious) one, the ocean. I also liked the layout of it; the repetition of 'Blue is...' is very effective at stressing the meaning of this poem, and the rhythm flows smoothly for the most part and fits well. Furthermore you've done well to bring all five senses into the poem.
Some of your blue images are vivid and strong ones, but a few lines are a little weak due to the wording. For example, 'Blue feels calmness' is a bit unclear to me because the colour is not doing the feeling. You have perhaps done this to keep the rhythm flowing and so sometimes it seems a little forced or come up a bit short. I suggest having more syllables for each line so that you can work with more words to work with and fit in.
Also there was one little mistake: Blue is an ocean,wide and deep Just a space needed after the comma.
Overall I did enjoy this poem and I think the imagery is very good. There is still a bit of work needed on rhythm and flow but otherwise this is definitely an imaginative and colourful piece. Good Job!
Short but sweet; your poem loses no meaning in the pi form, following it to the letter.
I think the word 'upon' in line 5 should be replaced with something else, since not only has it been used earlier in the poem but also it makes no sense since the temples are on the ground and the sun rays are in the sky- I think 'in' or 'those' could fit better, but these are just my suggestions. Other than that this is well-written for such a short and difficult form to work with. Well Done!
I liked this story very much. The setting and layout of events from Elspeth's perspective made it compelling to read, because it conveys her point of view clearly and deals with the issue of loyalty between Becket and King Henry at that time. The scene of his brutal death from the knights is particularly realistic and vivid, so well done there.
For the most part, I could relate to Elspeth as a character because, even though this is a short story, you went into her background and reasons for hiding in the church throughly. However I don't think the effect of Thomas Becket's murder on her is as detailed; we know she keeps quiet but other than dreaming about it does it affect her relationship with her father or Reginald fitzUrse (as a prospective bride could she end up marrying him?) etc- but this is just my opinion and these things may not necessarily have to be taken into account.
Other than this suggestion your story was an enjoyable read and very well-written. You just need to mantain character development throughout the story, otherwise great job!
This article on Lancaster is very informative- I am also British but not very familar with the North of England (I live in the Midlands) and you certaintly present it as a beautiful, and perhaps underrated, historical city. I particularly liked the writing style used here as well, because it seems as if we are walking along the sights of Lancaster as you describe them.
Although the layout of the article is clear and concise, I felt that your ending is a little abrupt for such a detailed article, and the paragraph doesn't seem to link well with the previous one. My suggestion is that you could summarize what other parts of Lancaster could catch one's eye, but this is only my opinion and you might not have anymore to include.
Also, a few minor grammar points: Lancaster has many more tales to tell, it has so far - This comma should be either a semi colon or dash, because you are linking two clauses together. the plaque on the wall is testament to. - The fullstop should be a colon to lead into the quote.
Nevertheless this is a well-written article and you definitely show Lancaster to be a wonderful place. Great Job!
Hello Kiyasama. I saw this essay on the web page in your portfolio and I think it's amazing. Not only does your personal opinion on how you came across MJ's music make this piece more evocative, but it is also perfectly laid out with the picures of the people you talk about. Furthermore I liked how you balanced the argument against Michael by justifying how his childhood may have affected him, and I feel compelled to agree with you.
There were no spelling mistakes in your essay, but I have one minor gripe about this phrase: a father who (must have had good intentions at first) wanted to take his kids away The bracketed section seems like it could be the end of the sentence and so the next clause seems added on. I think it could be changed to '(perhaps with good intentions at first)' to fit better, but this is my opinion.
Overall this is a wonderful tribute to Michael Jackson's music and life and I think your personal experiences helps this piece stand out much more than just commenting on his death. Write On!
Hello Timothy. I came across your poem from the Review Request Page.
Metaphorically your poem brings the message across really well; I like the phrase "dust drained pictures" the most because I can picture them vividly in my head.
I think your poem would be better if the first stanza rhymned like the second does because it goes well with the concept of finding yourself. Furthermore the last line on the first stanza, "Mystical and uncertain" leaves me waiting for me so I think you could put a fullstop or '...' on the end.
These are just a few suggestions though and it's only my opinion. Even though the poem's short you've created some excellent imagery here. Write On!
What I liked:
The twist halfway through the chapter that reveals what is going to happen next to Kaitlyn, because it made me want to read on to discover why Jack is doing this. I also enjoyed Ronnie's casual speech towards Kaitlyn, especially with the reference to a film, because it made him seem more like a real crook.
Suggestions: It was only a matter of time before it ended hers too…
I think this sentence reveals too much about what might happen to Kaitlyn. Instead you could make it into something emotive, like "If only she could have been with him..." or something similar. This is only a suggestion, however.
Overall, this is a very interesting opening chapter and I would like to see what will happen in the next part. Good luck with the rest of this story and Write On!
What I liked: Your essay was very persuasive, since you used a variety of techniques such as rhetorical questions ("Are you kidding me?" in particular really grabbed my attention), facts and advice. Us in the UK have a similar increasing problem too, and the information you give is very true with no buts about it.
Suggestions: You could perhaps go into the excuses people make for not doing exercise/eating less and then proceed to balance that with your opinion.
Also, you could include a paragraph or so about underweight people as well; they too aren't eating the right nutrients nor are most of them doing exercise.
This is just my opinion though.
Overall this is a very convincing essay which is very informative and well-argued. Write On!
What I liked: The ending, how it was left open to imagine the lesson Lily would learn. It's made me a bit freaky about terms and conditions now!
Suggestions: Perhaps instead of ignoring the terms completely, Lily could glance at a few words where something would hint at what would happen. Also you could hint at Lily's not-bothered attitude to the terms (e.g. "She never bothered with the terms; it wasn't like she was going to ever burn the game!").
Spelling mistakes: 'click' in the item title (although that might be deliberate, in which case I apologise).
Overall, I liked the darkness and the moral in this story a lot. Great Job!
What I liked: The plot twist near the end where we realised Chad might have killed here. I also liked the suspension built as Chad had the "conversation" with the cat.
Suggestions: Minor, but you could put the cat's thoughts in italics to keep it separate from the narrative, as sometimes it was confusing as to whether the cat was talking or the narrator was.
Also, the ending sign should be changed to "Free cat to any home. Moving. Must go quickly" in order to match with the story's title.
Overall, this is a very good story, with a lot of tension and an effective plot twist near the end. Good Work!
What I liked: The description of the destruction of London! I loved the way you brought Michael's desire to destroy his masterpiece to life; I could feel the boy's eagerness and the horror of the absolute destruction.
Suggestons: Early on in the story you described Micheal's creation and destruction of a mountain. Perhaps you could mention the real life destruction of this (i.e Mt Everest being mysteriously destroyed or something)? I would really like to see how the public reacted to these stories!
Also, I didn't really understand the ending to the story, particularly the reference to the lizard crawling through a garden wall. Did you mean Micheal's garden wall or somewhere in the destroyed London? I think you could make this clearer, but this is only a suggestion.
Overall, I throughly enjoyed reading this story; it has excellent descriptions and is very vivid. Fantastic!
What I liked: Again, the style of writing. I felt I could understand the carpenter's feelings of sadness and pride for his grandfather. You also described both the carpenter and his grandfather's characters in a good amount of detail.
Suggestions: The opening paragraph seems a bit awkward; it kinda jumps into the middle of the story and doesn't fully link the with next paragraph either. I think the second paragraph would be a better opening one while that first one could be moved to later down in the story.
However, this is just my opinion and you don't have to change it.
Overall, this is a very touching story, with a lot of detail put into characters and the setting. Great Job!
What I enjoyed: Your writing style; I liked the exaggeration in your tone of voice (e.g. giant womb known as the family home. It helped me to enjoy your experience of giving out the presents to your daughters even though I can't relate in real life (I am the middle of three girls!) and the descriptions of everything were very vivid.
Suggestions: This line confused me a little: the formerly pretty in pink cherubs realized- Are you referring to one of your daughters here because it isn't made that clear. If it's like a euphemism I think you should put it in quotation marks, or for emphasis make it, "The Miss Formerly Pretty in Pink Cherubs"
(NB: This is just a suggestion. I apologise if I misunderstood)
Overall this is a great piece and I hope I could one day take on the idea of parting gifts!
Good Points Well, this is certainly a unique topic for an essay. You have put forward many explanations for this theory as to how bad language is perceived as it is now. For some of them you have gone into a lot of detail.
The examples you used for these theories are relevant to the essay and helped me to understand your points. Good job there.
The piece is well-presented; you have spaced paragraphs out so that everything is very clear to read.
Suggestions for Improvement I disliked the way you constantly repeated the word 'bad', whether in the word 'badness' (which I don't think is even a real word anyway) or just as the phrase, 'bad language'. You should use a theasarus to help you find different words which hold the same meaning. An example of mine is 'vulgar language'.
As well as 'bad', you repeat various words in the same sentences, making the essay a bore to read through and, in some cases, almost comical. Here are some examples: when bad language is used, the meaning of what is said does not come from the meaning of the words used Bad words are words that have been used in a bad way so much
I recommend that you proof read through your essay and try to get rid of unesscessary words/phrases or replace them with others.
You haven't really concluded the essay, instead it finished explaining the consequence of the second theory. If you add a conclusion then your essay can be properly summarized by the reader, and/or you can add your own opinion either about these theories or what people should do about bad language.
Spelling/Grammar
I have already pointed out the word "badness", but other than that I saw no spelling or grammar mistakes in the poem.
Overall
I think this is a very thought-provoking essay with some very good points. However, you need to work on your sentence structure, word usage and a proper conclusion to finish this off. Hopefully once this has been improved I'm sure your essay will be brilliant.
Good Job and Write On!
Good Points I can definitely see why this is called ""WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS" ". Anyway, you describle these events in a lot of detail so I understand your emotions and picture what happens as I read through them. I'm glad also that you end on a more positive note. The last line of your piece is quite touching: Storms never last if that faith is kept alive.
Not only is it true but it links back to the title as well. Good Going!
Suggestions for Improvement Nothing really to suggest here, even though personally I would like to know if you still continued to help this family member's drinking problems even with high blood pressure and stress. As soon as you move on to being hospitalized you seem to forget to mention what happened in her situation.
Spelling/Grammar
There are no spelling or grammar mistakes here.
Overall
This is a wonderful moving piece and once again it shows that you've gone through some tough times but are still here to express your gratitude at getting through. Great Job and Write On!
Your poem really created a sense of both suspense and then relaxation with the imagery used. I was able to see, feel and hear what was happening within my mind.
The images also helped to conjure up a picture of what you were describing, and along with the WritingML it helps it be eye-catching to readers.
The rhythm fits the poem very well, but most of time it felt a bit rushed, like too many words were being crammed in. Here's an example: Darkness shrouds me, and tears begin to fall.
Compared to the first two lines this has too many syllables. I would get rid of the word 'and'.
Through the rest of the poem, read it out aloud and listen if you're squahing them into the rhymne. Then change the words around so it goes with the flow.
Overall this is a fine poem of hope through the darkness and I think it raises the reader's self-esteem a little too. Great Job!
I think your essay on tears is absolutely right on how they stay with us throughout our joy and misery.
You bring out a lot of emotion into this essay, so much that if I almost felt like crying by the third paragraph.
I liked the use of WritingML through the crying emoticons and the coloured writing that resembled tears.
My only suggestion is that I'm a bit put off by the use of ellipses in place of full stops. It does add to the emotion a lot but it also made me feel like drifting off to the next bit. I recommend using them only once in each paragraph.
Overall a powerful essay which I think doesn get through to people, even though I feel it could be a bit more personal. Nevertheless, Great Job!
Hello Taylor, I returning the review you wrote for me yesterday.
These lyrics are very emotional and expressed well. They catch the reader's attention and I could sense myself singing along to it in my head.
I think the final verse ends a too sudden note, like you just stopped writing it because you got bored. The lyrics could end on the chorus.
Also, I don't feel the 'Fate' is a good title- it doesn't really sum up the song for me. Something like 'Chosen' or 'Dying Inside' would be more fitting in my opinion.
You don't have to take these suggestions into consideration, since they are only one person's opinions. Overall, I really liked this song and I think it has potential. Good Job!
Your poem is definitely true to its title. I especially liked how you highlighted hypocrites as people who think they control the world as the narrator points out their flaws.
The language is very effective at getting the reader's attention and expressing your opinion. The rhetorical questions in particular really reach out to the reader. I feel it works well with the irregular rhythm in the poem so the emotion comes out less forcefully.
Presentation is fitting in the center. I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes, but sometimes some punctuation is used in the wrong place:
In a world full of lies./It doesn’t even matter who survives.
A comma after 'lies' is better than a fullstop since it links to the next line more smoothly.
Does that not make you weak in the knees?/when it is only yourself that you please.
The question mark should be in place of the full stop at the end of the second line since it actually then completes the question.
Does it not embarrass your conscience?/when people die under your orders.
Same thing here.
Overall, this is a very thought-provoking poem which I enjoyed reading through. Write On!
Although I haven't read "A bit about me", I think this piece alone gives me a wonderful look into how you are, both as a poet and a member of WDC. I can tell that you have written this straight from the heart, especially considering your points on friendship and honesty.
I liked the bright nametag image you put on the end, because it adds another touch of personality to you. I hope you stay on WDC for years to come and stay true to yourself. Write On!
Your opinion on anonymous reviews/ratings is delivered to the reader extremely well, especially as it's something most people on WDC can relate to. You justify why you consider them cowards (in your words) and the piece finishes on a good moral to get us thinking; Treat others how you would like to be treated yourself.
The presentation blends quite well with the text because it makes your points stand out much stronger than usual.
I think it's a good idea to give an example of how an anonymous reviewer could work (or a real situation on one of your works if it has happened), so perhaps people reading who wouldn't support your opinion might understand this plight a bit more. Overall though this is something every reviewer should pick up on, anonymous or not, because it relates to everyone on the site. Great Job!
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Screeched his mother...While His mother is leading him home,
when bad language is used, the meaning of what is said does not come from the meaning of the words used