Hello BaileyJames, I'm reviewing your short story which I came across on the Review Request Page.
I really enjoyed your story. The freezing, lonely setting of White Top Mountain is perfect for horror, and your detailed descriptions make it perfectly eerie from the get-go. It just felt so scary and isolating a place that definitely gives off the creeps. Also, I like how Andy Sutherland's character seems like a normal guy who had a few troubles in the past, only to find out that his backstory is much more troubling than what you initially described. His fear, along with the growing suspense as whatever is haunting him gets closer, is conveyed effectively in your narrative and creates a claustrophobic, tension-filled atmosphere.
The ending in my opinion lets your story down though. Firstly, we never know exactly what this evil presence of fear is, and thus why it wants Sutherland and why it's chosen this location and time in his life of all places. It's especially peculiar because, before this story, Mr. Sutherland doesn't seem to have been particularly spooked while living/working at White Top Mountain. So I think you should add some kind of legend, or give a reason why the evil has pursued Mr. Sutherland to this point in his life in the first place. Secondly, it's rather anti-climatic that the evil just makes him vanish. Does it take him anywhere? Why didn't it just kill him or have his death a mystery to those around him? These are questions that I think story can address without making it less interesting.
Overall, this is a good horror story with a very atmospheric setting and narrative. In my opinion, if you tidy up your ending and add a bit more background to the evil presence then it ought to be perfect!
Hi there. I came across your item on the review request page.
I think this has a good basis as a children's story. I like the descriptions of the beach in different parts of the day and in different weather conditions too. With the art notes I think the illustrations would be very colorful and fitting with what you've written.The ending is a lovely touch as well; I would've expected you to finish on the sunny beach, but ending with the beach at night is in fact a much better closing image here.
What definitely needs to defined more clearly is the age range of the story. If this story is aimed at, say, a child aged 7 or above I think they would find the similar structure for each page quite boring, as there is a lack of a proper beginning and middle that they would start to find in books at this age. If it's aimed at slightly younger children (4-6 years), then words like 'amphitheater' and some of your metaphors are going to go well over their heads. You need to focus on what age range is going to read this book and then ask yourself 'will they understand what they/their mother is reading?' Replace the metaphors with simple similes and it should easily draw in the reader's attention.
This definitely has potential for a nice children's story for preschoolers, but it does need some tweaking for that age group. If you're aiming at slightly older children, then it will need a bit more depth to it because it seems more like a poem.
Hi there. You posted this story back on my forum page "Anti's Review Center v2.0" back in September and I've finally returned to review it!
I loved this story. The dialogue is witty, the narrator is funny if not completely likeable, and the ending did give me a chuckle because it caught me as off-guard as much as it did our main character. I absolutely love how he got outplayed at his own game! Even though the story is very short, I like how you conveyed both twin brothers through their conversation between each other, especially as the narrator is clearly portrayed as the one who got the shorter end of the stick in life!
My only minor nitpick is that you use very elevated, high-class style language throughout the story, but then insert phrases such as 'sonuvabitch' and 'this blows' which I really couldn't imagine the main character saying compared with the rest of the dialogue and the use of 'Said I/he/etc.' I feel something more fitting the main character's implied upbringing would be better (e.g. actually murmuring 'Son of a bitch' instead of a slurred version).
Also, I think your opening sentence could be three shorter sentences which would sound better, so get rid of the conjunctions.
Overall this was an excellent short story from someone so young. I'd definitely like to see more of your work!
Hi there. I think this is a very unique take on a sci-fi/apocalyptic story. At first it starts off fairly low-key with the build-up of the characters, the setting, the process of the junkyard turning into the pseudo-bunker among the increasing anarchy of the bikers, and as such I wasn't quite expecting the ending to be as it was. But I liked how things turned out! It's more humorous in a way and it rounds off the story, as well as Clyde and Lyla's troubles, rather nicely, avoiding all the violence and action I expected to happen.
The typically American setting is very realistic; because it the climax doesn't happen too far in the future it's still more advanced than our present (with the AI in the bunker) but still believable, especially due to the story actually occurring through 2012. with the issue of increasing anarchy around the area being understandable given the area's background to some extent.
Clyde and Lyla are characterized perfectly in your narrative, and their dialogue is realistic, showing them as pragmatic people despite their age. Despite not being a married person in my 60s I at least felt they are protagonists worth rooting for against their violent, not-as-aware neighborhood.
I think that I would like to know more about the "disaster" (the one beyond the anarchy of the bikers) that ended everybody's lives in the end. It would therefore be great if there was some foreshadowing of the coming disaster when Clyde made his purchase on the computer- a hint of why these plans ought to be bought around the country but why nobody else seemed to be catching on to growing concerns. I also get the impression that Lyla is (or was) cynical of Clyde's building of the TOM because of the money spent on it when they needed it the most, but then it dissipates at the end when he is proved right. This could provide some tension between the couple until they decide the move into the bunker during the climax. These are only my suggestions however, so feel free to make of them what you feel is best.
Overall I did enjoy this story. It's well-written and has a good twist that concludes everything in a rather heartwarming and satisfying manner!
Hello iggyg85! You posted your collection in my review center a few months ago, and I've finally returned to give you a review.
From what I've so far this is a very interesting collection, in that you've taken the legends found in the Book of Revelations and turned it an epic collection of poems that reminds me of Homer's 'Iliad'. Each poem to some degree has a gripping narrative filled with fitting imagery of death, the heavens and redemption.
Of course, whilst the premise has been used before, what makes this really stand out for me is the alternation of poems between one that focuses on a character with their background and aspects of their appearance/personality described, and then another poem that carries on the main narrative. Since each poem ends at a suitable break and each character isn't properly named until they have been introduced in their poem, I don't feel the interlacing structure interrupted the main narrative at all, but gives the whole collection a lot of depth.
This is why 'Origin of Death, Destroyer of Worlds' is my favourite poem in this collection- she is portrayed as an innocent girl then driven to end the suffering of those crucified because of her own father's pain. Furthermore she is so far the only main "Horseman" emotionally connected to the characters who are offering her chance at redemption. Equally interesting is the 'Origin of the Devil, Three Princes'; I like that Lucifer has essentially split himself into seven, and I'm intrigued at how the other four Princes manifest themselves in later poems. Not to mention your last line, of that poem 'When those who fear call him the Devil', is especially chilling!
I do have a few suggestions at improving the poems you've written so far. Remember, these are just my opinions.:
The flow of "Escape" isn't really that smooth because it's hindered by your ABCB rhyme scheme, as you try and cram in what you mean and give the line a suitable rhyming word at the end of the line. I feel it would work much better if relaxed on the scheme and tried free verse. This is just my opinions, but I feel the narrative and imagery would be conveyed much better in that respect. Likewise, the flow of 'Liberation' varies from short and punchy lines to longer ones towards the end of the poem as they have more syllables. Try and keep the number of syllables the same on each line so it sounds tighter and more suspenseful when read aloud. I'm a bit confused as to why these four particular individuals became the Horsemen. Your poems go into why they are disowned by Lucifer, but the period from when they die to when they are made Hell's Angels isn't that clear to me. Perhaps there could be a poem that delves into this, after you've concluded the origin stories?
A couple of spelling/grammar points too: Is the philosopher still speaking in the last stanza of "The Philosopher at the Gate"? If so, you missed out speech marks around that stanza. While seven princes lead the seven headed-beasts insurrection. - Apostrophe missing after the 's' here.
Overall, this epic seems to be shaping up as an interesting one with a good structure and some strong characterization of the Four Horsemen. I'd be happy to see how the next poems turn out, so feel free to post them back at my forum!
I enjoyed reading this poem a lot. It relates to teenagers well and covers the problems they face in bullying as well as the awareness that indeedy they aren't alone. I'm turning 19 soon and as someone who was lightly bullied as a teenger your advice is just what is needed to give inspiration to young people to live through it. Good rhymne scheme too, I think it matches the topic here well and is has a smooth rhythm throughout with little disruption.
Make sure you have a proofread through your work, especially regarding "your" and "you're". Also have a read through aloud and make sure everything said flows well- some lines seem a bit rushed or forced into a rhythm because they are a syllable too short or long.
Nevertheless I enjoyed reading this poem and its one many of us can relate to. Great work!
Hello christo. I found your poem on the review request page.
Good Points
Interesting parallel regarding neolithic humans and us today. Also liked the use of language that reflects on the violence of these animals, especially through onomatopoeic verbs like 'smacking' and 'snapping'- these create a dark tone suitable for the topic at hand and were very effective at conveying humanity's barbaric nature. It results the rhetorical question of the final stanza being a nice ironic touch as the modern man supposedly is meant to be above this. Good touch.
Suggestions for Improvement or saddam drops/the big one- Your point here is a bit dated and specifically political, compared to the husband slapping the wife. I don't mean its too soon but perhaps something more general on terrorism could replace this. But this is only my honest opinion.
Spelling/Grammar
None spotted. Technically I'd prefer proper grammar in a poem but it doesn't matter here because your point comes across well enough without it.
Overall
This is a very thought-provoking poem with great use of language techniques to convey its message. Great work!
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Good Points
Liked the imagery in this poem. You've used imaginative metaphors here (the most interesting being 'pregnant soil') which help me picture the snowy desert and the gradual miracle caused by the magic lamp. That process is described well within the poem through your style of prose, going from heat, to land, to water, to seed, to a whole garden!
Also, the structure of the sonnet itself is perfect, with no disruptions to the flow of rhythm or sound pattern (in which I liked the alliterative 'discontented deserts'.
Suggestions for Improvement
None really!
Spelling/Grammar
None spotted.
Overall
What else can I say? A well-written poem with some great imagery and techniques. Well done!
Hello again Luis Padilla. I found your short story on "Invalid Item"
Good Points
Another interesting plot; it had mystery that made me want to keep reading and learn about Jonah's bike, and the suspense during the scene with the training wheels was a totally unexpected side to Joanh and his mother- easily the best part of the story!
Characterization is very in-depth too. Lucas and Jonah are realistic characters and I related to both of them. I liked how it switched to Jonah's point of view in the final part because it appreciated him beating his demons by himself, rather than with Lucas intervening, which is the point you clearly wanted to make. Just shows how much development he gets over the course of the story.
Suggestions for Improvement
These are only my opinion however:
You shouldn't need to indicate that the final section is told from Jonah's point of view, since it would be pretty clear from the change in style of speaking. Instead you could put that section in Italics or something similar. Jonah's bike was a Red Radio Flyer with a pull along basket and training wheels. Your opening line doesn't really grab my attention. It's a shame because the whole preface is a hint at the darker parts of the plot but on my first reading I didn't see the complete link to the first section of the story. Maybe this sentence could be rephrased somehow. Though I'm not sure how I'm afraid.
Spelling/Grammar We both know that you have. Haven't you Mr.Anders" Question mark missing. Right's, I have no rights. "He is mine Mr. Anders" Fullstop missing again. On the third 'shut up,' she violently threw herself against the wall. Do you mean 'he'? my leg's hurt.
Overall
This is an excellent story with I really enjoyed reading. It has a couple of structural problems but these are easily fixed. It has a lot of potential for getting published. Great Job!
Really enjoyed reading your story! Your wit and humourous writing style won me over! It was great seeing your satisfaction coming through from Alison having to attend to her arch rival in hospital (tho I couldn't help but feel sorry for her a bit, thought I guess it's her funeral).
I think it'd be great if you went into more detail over the other kinds of things Alison did to you. Putting glue in your sneakers is horrible, but it doesn't quite mean you got the ultimate revenge to me for years of torment. Was there anymore background to your rivalry- did she hate that you did creative writing, that you weren't as good as her etc?
Anyways it was a fun experience to read. Secretly I hope I can have this end up to me one day! Great work!
Hello Luis Padilla, I found your short story on the Review Request Page.
A great story! I think the ending is terrific and I totally didn't expect it, and because of it you potrayed Dan's growing despair really well. It caught my attention how he was beginning to recognise the man and what everything was building to so it kept me reading. Characterization is developed too; I really liked Dan's saracastic comments throughout the story and the laid-back but manical attitude of the old man- both of them piqued my curiosity as I read.
One thing your story didn't address: the contract made didn't state a length of time. So why did the old man pick 3.30 am in the morning in question, and I assume Dan is in his 30s judging from his attitude- shouldn't the contract terminate at the end of his life when he's elderly?
Also spotted some spelling and grammar errors: I watched as my teenage self just slept there exposed to whatever whacko.
Decided to take refuge in the potato factory that night. Did you mean to start a new sentence after whacko? If not then neither sentence makes complete sense. “I don’t know,Sadistic bums... Infact I seemed impervious to my surroundings.
Otherwise this was a intense, gripping read. Extremely well-written. Great Job!
I can understand your thoughts here and definitely agree on the points of how music is so influential to one's mood. You do also seem very curious into what has caused the change into modern music. I particularly liked your opening paragraph, especially that first sentence which sets the tone for the topic so well, along with your stance about not being 'one of those Satan's music hidden message finding crazies'
However, your argument for this isn't too clear. For example, in the middle paragraph you start talking about the content of modern songs and their influence but then refer to music's emotional effect on people; this wouldn't sound so bad if the sentence starting as 'I love music it can make you smile' wasn't so jarring as if it should be at the start of a new paragraph. Furthermore, you could balance your opinion by bringing out why you think modern music is so popular- e.g. a young person like myself wants music that they can dance and jump and down to while out at a nightclub or party, therefore not much emphasis is put into lyrics, the advent of music videos and youtube etc. Otherwise what you say sounds one-sided and nostalgic in my opinion.
I hope you aren't discouraged by my comments, as I do think your thoughts were interesting to read and you could develop this into a meaningful essay if you wanted. Anyways, enjoy the Writing.com and hope to see more from you!
Hello Untucoi, I found your poem on the Review Request Page.
Imagery in this poem is brilliant because it's extremely vivid; my favourite line is: 'Where oceans bleed and humans die - such a rich image that sets the dark, slightly desperate tone and mood here. I like the rhymne scheme as well as it matches the mood perfectly.
I have a couple of suggestions: Some of the lines don't flow perfectly smooth, being 1 or 2 syllables off. For example: Though I fight through this night This line is a syllable short and it sounds awkward when I read it aloud. An extra, one syllable adjective could be added here so it sounds better.
Your love the only light for me - A grammar error here. Apostrophe and 's' needed.
Overall I really enjoyed reading this because it has some wonderful imagery and rhythm that sets the mood. Well done!
Hello strlcuckoo, I found your poem on the Review Request Page.
What I liked most here was the repetition and a-b rhymne scheme espeically in the main stanza. Both of these evoke the narrator's passion for their loved on and I can only sympathize further when I realise this sigh is a 'deprived' one. The italics is a great touch as it separates the dream in that stanza from the narrator's reflections from reality in the first and third.
A couple of your lines were a little forced in rhymne: In dreams I see/A sight so long deprived of me. First line is too short compared to the second; I preferred the length in the final stanza and I think it would provide a good mirror with it as well. I see myself/rushing, unhesitating. The rhythm here doesn't fit in with the other couplets in this stanza. I think 'rushing' is uneccessary to fit in with the rest but that is only my opinion. In any case you have an accidental space here as well.
Overall however this is a wonderful poem- vivid and evocative with only a bit of tweaking needed. Great job!
This story was really gripping to read. The best aspects here are your characterization; I completely emphasized with Terry and the narrator throughout the whole story, partly because you give some background to flesh them out but not too much that spoils the story. Also I thought the ending was great; I was expecting something a bit darker but realise that this accidental death makes the narrator feel much more guilty- it's horrible but a reality that can happen from an outsider's reflection.
I have only one suggestion here: I really want to know the reactions of Terry's bullies if they were on that school bus. Dana's and the narrator's are great but the responses of her tormentors, realising her death is all too real of a girl they mocked, could be covered in a brief sentence. Perhaps saying something that they were sorry, but not as much as the narrator. This is only a personal opinion however.
Otherwise this is extremely well-written, evocative and characters you can easily sympathize with. Very well done!
Hello nuts. I am reviewing your story which you posted ages ago on my review forum!
Wow- as your title says this is a very interesting take on what is otherwise basic storytelling! I really like how William turned on Victor around halfway through the story and the whole thing began breaking the fourth wall! In fact anything involving William here was brilliant- his (patois?) speech, the angry reaction to Victor stealing the story. You have definitely characterized him well!
My only gripe is that, towards the end, I was a bit confused as to whether the true narrator was Victor or an omnipresent one, considering I don't know who's speaking other than Williamfor sure. However it might be because of the plot intending to trick you with the unreliable narrartive, for which I commend you again. This is a funny read with an unusual premise which works. Great job!
Hello WafflesandPancakes, this is Anti here who is reviewing your item because you requested it in my review forum a while back!
If I am right about what this piece is satrizing, then I like the significance of breathing. At first it sounds silly, but then I see the tongue-in-cheeck message here and it becomes humourous. I particularly liked the reaction of "breathe-lovers" because it sounds so exaggerated yet its meaning relates to life or death. When I understood, Stuart's sudden conscription takes a more serious turn by the end- and even your narrative becomes more sinister: 'Stuart the breather was on his way, and he smiled. And the smiling, breathing men smiled back.'
I do have a couple of suggestions: I don't think of image of 'flapping lungs' used to describe breathers is fitting for the story- it makes me think of people with weaker constitutions, not the physically strong men are who you refer to in this story. You don't make it clear if Billy had also joined "the smiling men" or not. I assume he does because of where he dies, but this is only implied when Stuart comes across the posters at the recruitment center.
Otherwise this is very well-written, engaging and I like the darker tone implied towards the end. Great work!
Hello Julita. I'm sorry about the long delay, but I am reviewing "What is Beauty" , which you requested at Anti's Review Center!
Comments: Well the first thing that I must point out is that your imagery is amazing! The images, especially the ones which you noted you're proud of, are crisp, vivid and evoke most of the senses. I haven't really experienced half the metaphors you describe as being like beauty, but after reading and visualizing I want to now!
Plus as a result of the imagery I was able to relate to Julia's interpretation of beauty as well as sense her emotions through this piece. Thus the ending to the letter, while not as rich as the list of images earlier, is still very satisfying to read.
Suggestions: I think you could expand on these ending paragraphs in relating Julia's view of beauty and how it reflects on their relationship. Furthermore, perhaps shed more light on to why Mike asks the question- is there some doubt to the love in their relationship? That was the initial impression I recieved while reading the start of the letter.
Overall: A beautiful letter with fantastic imagery and language. All that is needed is a bit more focus on how the beauty links to the couple's love, but other than that, great job!
Good Points
Once again this chapter has the perfect balance of vivid descriptions of the settings and characters' feelings with an engaging scene of some action near the end.
The cliffhanger ending is my favourite bit of this chapter, because readers are left guessing how dangerous Marty's latest case must be, especially considering the links to the robbery previously. I also liked Marty's comical response to the female cat in the apartment, with his infatuation suddenly being replaced with disappointment at the mention of a mate- very funny and ironic indeed!
Suggestions for Improvement
Just a minor point about your introduction: It was three nights after the bank was robbed - The narrative here doesn't make your opening as immediate and attention-grabbing as it could be. 'It was three nights after' could be rephrased as 'Three nights after'.
Spelling/Grammar Ulm, this is my roommate He hurriedly pick up a rag Your soup's burning
Overall
This chapter is very well-written and very detailed. I can see how the plot is coming together and I think it works fine, plus your writing style is progressing much better now, as there aren't many errors here. Great Job!
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Good Points
I had a read over the last two chapters to give me a feel for the story. Concerning the plot in this chapter alone, it was very interesting to learn about the relationship between Fay and Jack, which I can already tell, thanks to the detailed flashback here, is going to be a key one throughout the story.
Matt's characterisation has also been sustained here, such as Fay's treatment of him as a brother, particularly well expressed at the end concerning Jack's reaction to the turn of events.
The dialogue in this chapter is also very engaging, with Jack's speech being very realistic and evocative of his anger.
Suggestions for Improvement Whilst the focus on Jack and Fay's relationship is very detailed and fleshes out Fay's character, I feel you should also be focusing on her feelings concerning the fact she has nearly been abducted- is she scared? Confused? Is she worried for her other friends as well as Matt (especially since the reader doesn't know exactly where they are going to flee to)? I think these issues need to be explained in at least some detail in this chapter rather than the next one, so that readers get the sense of how close she came to being kidnapped.
Your flashback would work better if it was all placed in Italics, because in this way it distinguishes that section from the rest of the text and 'End of Flashback' isn't needed to tell us that. Furthermore splitting that section into paragraphs would be helpful since so much happens here.
Spelling/Grammar
Just a few minor ones: "Hello." Fay's muffled voice said into the phone. It's more effective to put a question mark within the speech marks. "This s*** is intolerable." If referring to Nick's sexual assault, 'that' would be better. Jack was only defending Fay from sexual harassment. Jack did end up in jail. I think a connecting 'but' would express how Jack ending up in jail for his assault was unfair considering what Nick did.
Overall
A good chapter with a lot of detail and intresting background about Fay and Jack. I just think the plot can move a bit faster here, but other than that and some technical problems the chapter is consistent so far with the rest of the story. Good Work!
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Good Points
The plot of this story is making out to be an intresting one, mainly because I was impressed by your Prologue- Train's deathly gunshot was very evocative and you described everything here, from his "death" to the setting of the mysterious dead girl- extremely well. It has made me look forward to Train's character development throughout the story as well as how this girl's past links to his death and subsequent waking up in the NW.
The supporting characters are also very unique and well-developed, my favourites being Ricardo (), Ashurii and Zarion because they bring a lot of humour to the story and are very effective foils for the supposedly emotionless Train Heartnet.
Suggestions for Improvement
In some parts the pacing of the plot is way too fast. For example, in one moment Train is (not) eating in the Soul Society Castle, then the next moment he is involved in dancing and sake. He is also is adamant not to dance but is then suddenly convinced by Ashurii, then it is found he can actually dance well without any description of how he gradually realises this.
I think the reason for this you have very written only a little about Train's feelings as he moves throughout the Netherworld- he is in an unfamilar place with customs he doesn't know anything about, yet he is determined to be alone and affirms he has no feelings. More specifically he is not even that confused when he encounters the outside of the Netherworld, despite the fact that he didn't believe Ricardo that he was no longer in his own world earlier on. In my opinion I would be feeling very confused throughout this story, not just when particular events (e.g. trying to remember how he learned to) prompt him to be. Therefore I think you should develop more points in the story where Train is thinking how he came here, whether it is really okay for him to fight alone, why he might recognise the Queen of the Soul society, other people's skills etc.
Spelling/Grammar
Sometimes I noticed two people's dialogue placed together, which made it very confusing: "Hey! You didn't even accept my apologies!" Train sighed. "I accept, now leave me alone." "Train? What's wrong?" Train started walking away, lost in thought. "Where did I learn to dance? How did I even get here?"
Anyway I only spotted one other grammar mistake: confused of what just happened.- 'as to' fits better in its place.
Overall
Your plot is very interesting with some really good characters who carry the story along, and I am interested in following up on Train's past throughout the novel. The only flaw here however is quite a major one which needs a lot of work on it, but otherwise you're doing a good job so far. Keep it up!
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Good Points
This poem has a well-structured layout; you cover the beginnings of the secret relatsioship right to its end as well as the narrator's reflection. Also I think the Ballad form and ABCB rhymne scheme was very effective at conveying the imbalance in this relationship as it begins to fall apart because of secrecy, and the message that 'Love cannot be built on secrets' is stressed throughout the poem through both the repetition and the context of the poem.
I liked the metaphor of the narrator and his ex-partner being snowballs- I think that is an unique, vivid and relevant image to the message, so well done there!
Suggestions for Improvement
The flow of rhythm in your poem is seriously disrupted when your line lengths aren't consistent. For example, in the first stanza the third line is two syllables shorter than the first and four shorter than the second, so that when I read that line aloud I feel like it is missing something. You should try to stick to about eight or nine syllables on each line to maintain a smooth rhythm.
Spelling/Grammar 'without me there was no fun' Since the narrator is quoting his love interest it should really be 'you'- though looking back that line would look better without quotation marks with the 'me' kept in.
Overall
You use some good techniques in this poem that create quite a serious mood and the imagery of snowballs is very effective. Only your rhythm needs a bit of work, but it is well-written with a meaningful message. Write On!
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Good Points
This time the symbolism in your poem is very clearly expressed, and I found the lamp being a source of guidance for people an effective extended metaphor that retained my intrest throughout the poem, including when you presented the opposite of fools missing the light and travelling through darkness.
The rhythm also reflects the mood and meaning of the poem, with the narrator praising the lamplight and dismissing those who cannot see it. Therefore, I think the sonnet form reflects on the message here really well.
Suggestions for Improvement
Although you strictly kept to the sonnet form sometimes I felt that the rhythm was a little forced on some lines, especially where you used synoynms, and the flow was then disrupted when I read it aloud, so then I think a change of wording is needed. For example: but in disparate eyes it proves fluent - The word fluent makes me think of languages or speaking, not sight (unfortunately I cannot think of a better word here, so if you wanted to change it you might have to change something earlier in the line).
Spelling/Grammar
I didn't see any spelling mistakes in this story.
Overall
This poem is very thought-provoking and has some really clear imagery here which the rhymne scheme complements well. Great Job!
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Good Points
I liked your choice of the metaphors in the poem, especially that of the fire burning both the wood and "eating everything the Earth has brood".
I also thought the images in the poem were very vivid and that you conveyed them particularly well in the second verse; I liked the "overcast" across the sky because you brought out its grey mixed with the colours it tries to hide like a windscreen, so well done there.
The final rhyming couplet in your stanza is very succint, and because you almost repeated the first two lines of the poem but altered the second line to fit in with the message of your poem.
Suggestions for Improvement I didn't completely understand how your poem's message links with consumer drives and effects (though this is a term I'm not that familar). The image of the fire burning everything makes sense because I percieve it to be like how people try to consume all kinds of things if they want to, but that stanza in turn doesn't link with the next one which describes the overcast in the sky, which then switches back to the fire burning. I feel you need to clarify a link between the first two stanzas here. There was also a problem regarding word choice here: while none can see affliction in view./To abate one must decollate the stem
Words like 'affliction', 'abate' and 'decollate' sound a bit over the top even with the figurative imagery you are using. I think that simpler words would work better here. A more minor point is that some of your lines don't fit into the iambic pentameter used in a Shakespearean sonnet, and those lines which are a bit longer than pentameter disrupt the flow of the poem, so perhaps there your wording could a bit more concise.
Spelling/Grammar
There weren't any spelling or grammar mistakes in this poem.
Overall
This poem does have some vivid imagery and I like how most of it works with the meaning of the poem, but I do feel that it needs more clarification in my opinion. Nevetheless you have put definitely a lot of effort into this poem, so keep it up.
Good Points
I liked the characters in this story because you anthromorphized the animals but still retained their animalistic qualities throughout the story. Their personalities are also very interesting (I liked Mr. Flysnapper's dialect!), especially that of Marty Mask, and his shady going-ons kept my attention throughout the chapter, so I'm interested as to what he will do in the next chapter!
The settings are also well-described; I like how you went into detail about David's flat and workplace, and the fight between Ernie, Marty and David later on is engaging and has a lot of suspense as to who (if anyone) dies.
Suggestions for Improvement
The beginning of the chapter is a little slow- especially the in-depth description of the layout of Geltempo City which I think is unecessary at this stage. I think going straight from David's dwelling in Geltempo City (i.e. just saying that he lived in the ground level of the city) to his job in the city would perhaps be more interesting and speed up the pace.
Concerning the layout of the story, I noticed that not all your paragraphs are indented until you consistently do this about halfway through the chapter.
Spelling/Grammar
There are some mistakes in the story: insectivorous creatures replaced by a new supervisor Then he regained his composere
Overall
I did enjoy reading this chapter despite the beginning not being as interesting as the tension nearer to the end, but I would like to see how the second chapter turns out. Good Job!
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The flow of "Escape" isn't really that smooth because it's hindered by your ABCB rhyme scheme, as you try and cram in what you mean and give the line a suitable rhyming word at the end of the line. I feel it would work much better if relaxed on the scheme and tried free verse. This is just my opinions, but I feel the narrative and imagery would be conveyed much better in that respect.