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Review of Potion of Beauty  
Review by Anti
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Sarah. I am reviewing "Potion of Beauty" , also on behalf of the Simply Everything Group.

Plot
I enjoyed your plot. It had a slightly expected, but still surprising twist near the end with LouAnne turning into a creature like the assistant at that shop. Everything else is written well and helps the story to flow smoothly.
Characterization is excellent. We learn enough about LouAnne so that we can relate to why she wants to become beautiful so badly.

Setting
The settings of the story are also described in sufficient and vivid detail that allows us to engage in all five senses (see, hear, smell, taste and touch). This really helps the readers to imagine and understand what is going on, as well as enabling readers to relate to each character as a person. Emotions are fairly strong in terms of fear and worry, but don't play a big enough part to make a huge difference to the story.
The beginning describes LouAnne very well so that we can get an impression of why she is here, whereas the ending finishes off the story smoothly with a conclusion as to what LouAnne will become.

Structure/Mechanics
The format of the story is well laid-out. All the paragraphs have been spaced out correctly along with all the dialogue. Your sentence structure varies the sentence length and helps to sustain any suspension but also keep in the detail, so that readers hold on to every word.
I saw a few spelling and grammar mistakes in the story.

Suggestions
I have no major suggestions for the story, but here are the errors I found:
         *Bullet*I am trully crazy.
Should be 'truly'.

         *Bullet*Though his words was kind
'words' is plural, so 'was' should be 'were'.

         *Bullet*A few woman
'woman' should be 'women'.

         *Bullet*which laid on the ground
Should be 'lay', in order to make a passive verb.

         *Bullet*And If
'If' doesn't need a capital letter.

         *Bullet*they finally laid upon
'laid' should be 'lay'.

Overall
A fantastic story with a good storyline and some great descriptions with it. Excellent Work!

Regards,
Antonia

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Review of The Opera House  
Review by Anti
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Sarah. I am Antonia and I'm reviewing "The Opera House"  from the "Invalid Item" .

First Impressions
I found your piece on the haunted Opera House very interesting, as it is something I haven't read on WDC before. You explain it in a way that makes it engaging for the readers, so I think you did a good job with that. You present the two stories in a way so it doesn't feel unbelivable. What I feel is missing, however, is your opinion on it. Because of that, the piece seems incomplete.

Structure/Mechanics
The layout of the piece is good. The final one line paragraph is very effective at leaving readers to ponder the mystery of the ghost. Paragraphs are indented and spaced out so everything is clear to read, and sentence structure is well laid out with varied sentence lengths.
I saw a couple of spelling mistakes in the story.

Suggestions
1) I feel you should include your opinion on the ghost in the Opera House. You know a lot about it, but if you have ever visited there do you sense anything ghostly? Putting down an opinion is good because it lets the reader see what they think, instead of copying some research.

2) Spelling mistakes:
         *Bullet*The devastation pver her
Should be 'over'.

         *Bullet*she doesn't reenact her death
Place a hyphen after the 're' in reenact, so it becomes 're-enact'.

Overall
An interesting read here. It is very informative and I enjoyed reading through it. Just needs a little bit of improvement on content. But Great Job!

Regards,
Antonia

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Review by Anti
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello again, Kat. I am reviewing "A House Called Soul" , which I found on the Review Request Page.

Plot
This is another story that has a different focus to most I've read, yet carried a simple storyline. Like with 'Memory', I liked the idea of each character representing a spiritual aspect, because it means we will learn something from reading through this. This time, I feel the story doesn't have such a long lasting message because of reality (for example, wouldn't Despair want to return every once in a while?).
The characterization is very good for each character, as you can easily relate one to an aspect of life and consider putting yourself in Soul's position.

Setting
The setting of Soul appears to readers as very realistic, seeming like a vivid reflection onto a real person's soul. The descriptions of this setting are not very detailed because you didn't use a lot of imagery to cover everything, but I was still able to use my own imagination because of the freedom to put yourself in Soul's place. The emotions were also realistic as well, although not detailed that much either.
The story's beginning presents us clearly with the situation involving Hope, Despair and their house called Soul. Readers can quickly identify how the story can relate to real life. As for the ending, I am glad that everything ended on a happy note and that Soul became a proper Home.

Structure/Mechanics
The story has been organized very well. You aligned all the text to the middle so that it had a unique look and have double spaced out all the paragraphs. The sentence structure is simple and means the text is suitable for anyone to read and understand what is happening.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes in the story.

Suggestions
1) You need to expand the settings in some areas. The concept is brilliant, but you need to add in some emotion. We need to feel for Hope and slightly resent Despair a bit more. Perhaps include a few more sentences that describe their personalities better (e.g. Hope's love of bright things, ditto for Despair's love for dark objects etc.) and so we can relate to them with a stronger bond.

2) The ending is very happy, but I would feel that Despair may want to come and visit (rarely not often) Soul. This should be mentioned in order to reflect reality, as people will still experience some despair in their lives even when Hope, Faith and Charity generally make them feel better.

Overall
Another enjoyable story of yours which holds a great message which we can all take note of. Perhaps the plot can be a bit better, but it is doing well and has a lot of potential. Great Job!
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Review of MEMORY  
Review by Anti
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Kat! I am reviewing "MEMORY" , which I found on the Review Request Page.

Plot
This is a very interesting story to read, and the reason for this being its unique plot. I loved how the characters portray an aspect of life that we all come across. It made the story have a lesson that the readers can all relate to, as it has a moral for us to live by. The reader can put themselves in the place of memory, as well as using their own imagination for events.
The characterization doesn't have a lot of development (except for the dilapidated building of Hope), but it is good enough for this story where the aspect doesn't really matter hugely.

Setting
The setting for the story is brilliant, as it doesn't take place in a realistic place, but could be anywhere mentally. This broadened my imagination even more for what the scene could look like. However, there doesn't feel like a lot in terms of emotion; for example, although I could comprehend why Memory was faced with such a hard decision, it didn't make me feel for her that much, and so perhaps this is something you can work on.
The beginning of the story introduces the problem quickly, before leading onto describing each city in turn. The ending made it clear that the solution had been solved, but the final sentence in particular shows that the Stranger did help her to make the decision and that she is grateful for it.

Structure/Mechanics
The layout of the story is fairly tidy, although I don't understand why you have cut off some lines before it reaches the other side of the page (if it's part of your writing style then that's fine; it won't lose marks). Paragraphs are spaced out correctly and all the sentences seem to make sense. The sentence structure fits in with the type of language being used here.
I noticed one grammar mistake in the story.

Suggestions
1) You need to add more emotion to the story. One example of how to do this is to add a rhetorical question (e.g. Should she rebuild the building of Hope in Remembrance or start a new slate with Forgetfulness?). These get the reader's attention and make them think about what is being said, as well as how serious the decision-making is.

2) A grammar mistake:
         *Bullet*Most just ignored her in their hurry to reach their own destinations.
This is only a fragment and so the sentence doesn't make sense in this context. You could use a conjunction to join it with the previous sentence, so that it could read something like: "Other travelers happened along the way and Memory discussed this matter with some of them, but ,most just ignored her in their hurry to reach their own destinations." (Remember, you can try a variation on this.)

Overall
I enjoyed reading through the story, and although it needs a little bit of improvement, you have a deep message that is coming through. Keep It Up!
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Review of Tommy's Rainbow  
Review by Anti
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Kiya!

Plot
This is another story which warmed me up inside. You describe Tommy's journey in enough detail so that you keep readers young and old interested. I also enjoyed the theme, as it meant that there is a morale to the story and that children can learn something from reading this.
The characterization is very in-depth for Tommy. In the story you tell us a lot about his life and how he feels miserable. This way we could relate to him as we get to know his character better.

Setting
The settings are another bright aspect in this short story. The character's actions are described in a good amount of detail, and I liked your use of similes to help readers picture the town of Bloomville; this really helped the area to come alive through the words.
The story's beginning presents the context clearly and the opening dialogue easily draws potential readers onward. The ending is very warm, probably as a part of the story that really connects with younger readers. Kudos for finishing on such a lovely note, so that we realize Tommy has really learned something from his experience.

Structure/Mechanics
The paragraphs in the story are spaced out clearly, along with dialogue so that it's easy to see who is speaking to whom and good use of WritingML. Your sentence structure is simple but descriptive, with language suitable for children to read through this piece.
I saw a couple of grammar mistakes in the story.

Suggestions
I don't have any major suggestions for the story, but here are some errors which I noticed:
         *Bullet*Where was the stray black dog, who Tommy had secretly named ‘Spot’
'who' should be 'which' (as the dog isn't a person).
         *Bullet*the one who always walked with him to school?
Same thing here (see above).

Overall
An almost flawless piece which is able to capture a lot of imagination into people's minds. It has a lot of potential. Great Work!
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Review of Color Blind  
Review by Anti
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey Kiya!

Plot
A wonderful plot here. Although it doesn't feel like a story at first, I still liked the main character's narrative which has been cleverly structured to form a proper beginning and end. You really did make her voice come alive with emotions that we can relate to.
This leads onto the characterization. It is a great idea to describe her family and friends in lots of detail, which provides a bit of background on Tammy's character past and present.

Setting
The settings have been covered in a lot of detail. Each scene portrays how society looks at Tammy and her lover's relationship, along with her thoughts of what they think of them together. Although these surroundings don't play that much of a large part, they still tell us enough to get a picture of the events in the story in our minds.
The beginning introduces Tammy very well, so that we get to know how well educated she is on the matter. The ending smoothly finishes with her thoughts, as she hopes for a better, non-racial future for her children.

Structure/Mechanics
The paragraphs are clearly spread out, so there are no problems here. Sentence structure is clear and nicely varied for the emotions displayed.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes in the story.

Suggestions
I don't have any suggestions for this story.

Overall
Perfect. This story not only follows a realistic moral issue in the world today, but bases an excellent argument, too. Sensational Work!
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Review by Anti
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Kiya!

Plot
The plot for 'The Reluctant Mother' is very realistic and is an issue that some people have to live with today. I think you expressed the narrator's emotions really well; her sadness for herself and this child's mother were clear for me to see, so that I could relate to her and the new life she has to take on.
The characterization is in-depth and holds a big significance. We learn a lot about the girl's family in a short space of time, as well as the girl's lifestyle herself. This gives us an insight into her personality so that we get to know her better, as well as her thoughts into the baby.

Setting
Although you haven't described the surroundings of the story to much detail, you have still put in some effective descriptions for the events that make up this story. It was the description of the main character of the past and present which really engaged my senses; I was able to smell her clothes and imagine clearly what her hair looked like. Therefore, the story was brought to life through the use of the descriptive language that you've used.
The beginning, as I stated before, gives us a sense of the main character's personality and a bit of background to what is going on. Your ending to this story is very emotional, as it shows that, despite the girl's attitude she is willing to be a mother to this baby instead of dumping him somewhere. You held a lot of love through her words in this paragraph, another good point in the story.

Structure/Mechanics
Your story's structure is fine. The paragraphs are correctly spaced out and you type up the prompt for us to see how you fulfilled the requirement. Sentence structure is varied a lot throughout the piece, as you switch frequently between long and short sentences for effect.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes in the story.

Suggestions
I don't have any suggestions for this piece, as suggesting anything too major would break the word limit. *Smile*

Overall
A very good story, which keeps to a very realistic concept. I enjoyed its ending and shared all the emotions of the main character. Excellent Work!
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Review of One Step  
Review by Anti
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello DragonBlue!

First Impressions
Your essay is an excellent read. Your language makes us want to sit up and actually read this, because your words hold the complete truth as to how our world and future is crumbling and how it can be changed. However, what you haven't included is the other side of the argument; by constantly using "we" and present/future tense verbs such as "need", you are forcing the reader into thinking that each and every one of them is in the wrong. On the other hand, this does effectively make the reader think about their own actions and how they could join to take the One Step, so it does come with advantages.

Structure/Mechanics
The layout of this essay is fine. You have spaced out paragraphs and the use of the colour violet makes the whole text stand out even more, especially with the use of capital letters to highlight important quotes and messages that you are trying to put across. Your sentence structure help to build up powerful, meaningful sentences for the readers to take note of, although in one case I do not know who you are referring to.
I saw quite a few spelling and grammar errors in the essay.

Suggestions
1) In a new paragraph, you should briefly mention the viewpoints of the people who do not want to help the world- lazy people, gluttons even do-gooders etc. This way we can see that you have acknowledged the opposition's viewpoint and that your essay isn't just biased.

2) You have a very elequent and persuasive way with words,
I didn't understand this opening sentence, as you do not clarify who it is meant for. Do you mean to direct it to the reader or the person who wrote the poem? If you mean the former then I suggest you change the word "you" as it shuts off the whole audience you are addressing.

3) Spelling/grammar mistakes:
         *Bullet*a black bear being assasinated
'assasinated' should be 'assassinated'.
         *Bullet*he wandered into the wrong neighborhood.
'neighborhood' should be 'neighbourhood'.
         *Bullet*You have a very elequent and persuasive way with words,
'elequent' should be 'eloquent'.
         *Bullet*Though few who call themselves christians ever practice it.
'Christians' is a group and so it should have a capital letter at the start. Also, I think it would have a better emphasis on the sentence if it had inverted commas around it.
         *Bullet*shall it be what we recieve
'recieve' should be 'receive'.
         *Bullet*to heal the earth and it's life force
'life force' is in posession and so 'it's' should be 'its'.
         *Bullet*the consiousness of a planet
'consiousness' should be 'consciousness'.

Overall
Your essay has a lot of potential, because as humans we do need to take a step in order to change the Earth's future, and our own. However, you have a problem with some of the mechanics and therefore it doesn't send out as good message as it can. Good Luck and Write On!
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Review by Anti
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Anthia, this is Antonia again reviewing "This... is... ME..."  from:
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1114763 by Not Available.


Imagery
I liked the imagery used in your poem. There are many metaphors which are effective at comparing the rain to a melody. Some aliteration and assoanance have also been added, creating a nice variation of imagery throughout. Altogether, this builds up a rich scene which engages my senses of touch, sight and hearing, and although I couldn't imagine the scene completely I think the mental picture this made is good enough.

Mood/Atmosphere
I enjoyed the mood that this poem places upon the reader; it has a musical tone and it goes very well with the poem's metaphorical language. However, what concerns me is that there isn't a big focus on the romantic element (as your intro describes the poem as one about 'young love'). The fact that the poem's main concept is the movement of the rain means that your introduction is inaccurate about what the poem is about.

Rhythm
Although you do not follow a specific rhyming pattern, your last stanza does follow an ABAB pattern. In some lines, the words only appear to half-rhymne (i.e only the last syllable of the word rhymnes with another). But the enjambment on the lines is effective and means none of the lines are too long or disrupt the poem's flow too much.

Structure/Mechanics
The layout of the poem is very tidy. You have double spaced out your stanzas and the lines aren't too long or short. The punctuation allows many pauses when reading aloud, but your title at the beginning of this poem isn't identical to the actual one of the item.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes in the poem.

Suggestions
1) I think you should change your introduction so that it is relevant to the poem, because there is no mention of any romance from the poem, nor anything that gives reference to any form of love. My only other solution to fix this is maybe add another stanza before the end that mentions your lover and your unrequited love to this person.

2) The title would look better if the 'u' in 'unwritten' and the 's' in 'song' are capital letters to become 'The Unwritten Song'. Also, maybe add an exclamation onto the end like you've done with the title in the poem itself.

Overall
Your poem is very descriptive to its concept, but it doesn't seem to be a poem of love as your intro mentions which leads the reader astray as to what to expect. But I still think it has some potential. Keep Writing!
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Review by Anti
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Anthia. This is Antonia reviewing "This one's for you..."  from:
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1114763 by Not Available.


Imagery
I really liked the use of imagery into this poem. You used many similies, metaphors and even some aliteraton (perfect picture) to describe the concept of the poem- your painted love to your fiance. Altogether this created a rich, vivid scene where I pictured at first a canvas dripping with vibrant colours like you have described.

Mood/Atmosphere
The mood in the poem is, of course, a romantic one, but what I liked about this element is that it doesn't arise until the second stanza when you describe the picture you are trying to paint for him. The love you have must be very strong and this bond is shown clearly through the different stanzas that reflect on this. Therefore, the emotions are very clear and heartfelt on this one; although I have never experienced relationship-love, the first stanza of friendship helps me to relate to you [the narrator].

Rhythm
There is no rhyming pattern or scheme used for the poem, although a few couplets did rhymne in some stanzas. However, this means that you expressed your emotions better without limiting yourself, so this doesn't have a big impact on my rating.

Structure/Mechanics
The layout of the poem is quite good but not perfect. You have spaced out the stanzas so that the poem is easier to read, but many of the lines are too long or short so the poem looks odd when aligned from the left. However, it has also been given a professional feel with title and your initals/surname put at the top and bottom of the poem, respectively.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes in the poem.

Suggestions
My only suggestion for this poem is that you align all of it center rather than the left. This makes it stand out better because it uses up more space.

Overall
An imaginitive poem of true romance described through a canvas. Excellent Piece!
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Review by Anti
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Kiya!

First Impressions
I admire this short story. I am especially amazed at the fact that you still manage to mention the context clearly here in 100 words without drifting off the relevant subject. Everything has been fitted in well and my senses of sight and hearing were engaged throughout the story, helping me to imagine the scene vividly.

Structure/Mechanics
The layout of this story fairly good. The paragraphs are clearly spaced out and like with most of your contest pieces you have given us the link to the "Invalid Item"  contest. Also the present tense helps to gradually build up suspense as we wonder what the grandfather and his grandchild are waiting for.However, a few of your sentences are missing some words which would make them flow a bit better, but I understand that due to the tight word limit it will be hard to change them.
I didn't notice any spelling or grammar mistakes in the poem.

Suggestions
No suggestions for this story, I'm afraid.

Overall
A great story which fits in a very imaginitive scene in such a small space of words. An excellent job here. Write On!
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Review by Anti
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Kiya! This is probably the only private review that I'll do now, as it is an image and I don't think it's suitable for the public review page. *Frown*

Anyway, I like this image because it stands out well. You have chosen a bright use of colours that both blend and contrast together almost perfectly. I also like how each piece of the image is split into a different section; there's the picture of someone lying on a sunbed and then two different fonts helping us to find the experience of that sunbather. The fonts are far from identical of each other but they are both good choices.

You are a good artist (unlike me) and you create fantastic images, this one being high in quality. Keep It Up, Kiya!
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Review by Anti
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Kiya!

Plot
Ooooh; a Writing.Com themed story! Seriously, I enjoyed reading this one because of it's WDC concept (it's been a good day with your items today!) and I like how some parts of your WDC self were put into the main characters' personalities (doing in-depth reviews, in awe when first seeing the site etc. etc.) whereas other traits are completely the opposite. Incorporating a bit of yourself into the story is a sign of symbolism and helps me to relate to the characters as people and not robots.

Setting
The settings are fairly good. The emphasis on two computers in this household help me to get a sense of where some things are, so that I can imagine the two rooms which this takes place in. The actions of the characters are well described and very realistic (e.g doing a long in-depth review etc.), so I can also relate to these, too. Your emotions aren't very in-depth- I didn't feel really annoyed for the narrator about his/her little brother hanging around before he got too interested- but even so it was enough for a story of the Writer's Cramp!
The story's beginning and ending both show the different attitudes of the younger brother Dennis as he sees how vast the writing dot com world is; from curiosity to eagerness I can agree that writing dot com has claimed yet another victim!

Structure/Mechanics
The structure of the story is very clear; you have equally spaced out the paragraphs and dialogue so that everything is easier to take in. The sentence structure varies a lot throughout the story as we see Dennis's intrest in the site growing more.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes.

Suggestions
I have NO suggestions for this piece, sorry!

Overall
An enjoyable story for writer's cramp, which shows your talents as a flash fiction writer. Keep it Up and Good Luck for future Writer's Cramp contests!
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Review of Paranoia  
Review by Anti
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Kiya!

Plot
I really enjoyed this story. I was engaged to the plot and completely forgot the follow up from the phoney was a vision from the crystal ball, but as this is the meat of the story you conveyed it as the real thing extrememly well so that readers like myself would be completely unprepared for the twist.
The characterisation was very good in this story; I could easily distinguish Debra from Brenda because of their personalites and intentions that you have described in much detail throughout the story. You have also given the reader some insight into their outward appearances, and this plays quite a significant role in the story (particularly for Debra and Brenda)

Setting
Because of the plotline of the story, the settings are very detailed. You hold a sense of symbolism here with the character of 'The Great Prince Abdullah', because readers are wondering whether he is a phony or not (which switches throughout the story). The surroundings are brought to life with your imagery which engages our senses of sight, smell and hearing so that they seem more realisitc. As for the emotions, these are vivid and allow me to relate to Debra as a character because she realises how the prophecy is actually affecting her and seeping into her past and present problems. I was able to share her worries and opinions of everything around her.
The beginning of the story was sudden and quickly brought me into the surroundings and background to the story (which is explained more in-depth later on). However, your ending was quite confusing as I realised that the main part of the story had been a vision. What didn't make sense to me was the last paragraph of dialogue, but I do know that there is a clever lesson to be learnt here; physics aren't always as they seem!

Structure/Mechanics
The layout of the story seems fine to me. All your paragraphs are spaced out and the dialogue is clear and concise to read. Your sentence structure is very varied for the different scenes in the story, helping to convey emotions being felt in those situations.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes in the story.

Suggestions
Just one thing that needs clearing up:
         *Bullet*“Oh, your money is no good here, Missus Shipman,” Abdullah said with a laugh that seemed to bounce off the walls. “You are my greatest customer yet and your eternal patronage will be more than enough.”
I didn't understand this final sentence; you haven't really explained how Debra's impression on the 'Great Prince Abdullah' seemed to make her the best customer he's had. Perhaps it is the fact that the experience with her is far greater than when he was with other people, but it isn't really made clear here from the beginning. Could you clear this up?

Overall
A brilliant story which I enjoyed. It made me lose myself so that I was unprepared for how this was going to end. Only one problem with that ending that made me lost track, otherwise it is one with utmost potential. Fantastic Work!
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Review by Anti
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Lobeilia, this is Antonia reviewing "Ode to a Preschooler"  for:
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1142418 by Not Available.


Imagery
You have used a varied amount of imagery in this poem, not just adjectives but also assonance (e.g. Queen of Mean, Bear of Glare etc. etc.) and alliteration which made the language of the poem much more effective. Altogether this builds up a rich, vivid scene where I was able to picture your daughter having tantrums, whining etc being very close as to how she is described in the poem.

Mood/Atmosphere
The mood of the poem truly shows how having young children can put parents under pressure, although in a fun way. As a result of that I could relate to the narrator (i.e. you) about your opinion of her.
However, I don't think this necessarily makes it a children's poem; it feels like one about parenting, because it isn't directed at children but at parents. Then again, it would be understandable by children who have younger brothers or sisters (which isn't me; I mean I have a twin but that's it), in which case I think it can be suitable for older children.

Rhythm
I enjoyed the rhyming in this poem; it is very simple to pick up and remember. Although a couple of lines were rushed and disrupted the flow from being constantly smooth, all the words seem to rhymne correctly with one another.

Structure/Mechanics
The layout of the poem is very well structured; the image of your daughter is quite eye-catching and the alignment of the poem itself uses up more space than to the side. In the lines you have used sufficient punctuation to allow pauses whilst reading it aloud.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes in the poem.

Suggestions
1) I think one of the genres for this poem should be 'Parenting' rather than 'Family', because it is coming from your viewpoint and not a child's. However, the choice is actually up to you.

2) She’s a shrieking,
Screeching guillotine
The last line of this stanza has to be said quickly from the one before without a pause in order to keep the poem flowing. I suggest placing the word 'screeching' on the line before, or something similar to that.

3) Her biting plaints
I didn't understand this line. Do you mean 'complaints'; if so then you could an apostrophe in front of that word to show that it has been shortened to fit in with the rhythm.

Overall
A poem that I throughly enjoyed reading with a very catchy rhythm and only a few troubles which can be sorted. Good Job and Keep Writing!
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Review of The Rose  
Review by Anti
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Kiya!

Plot
I enjoyed this story, but it still has its good and bad points. The plotline in this story sparked an unexpected twist near the end, which worked very well on me as a reader considering the rest of the story flow. This story had some true elements of romance in it as well as the symbolism with the emphasis on a single rose that turned this geeky looking girl into a happy wife. However the story is quite slow-paced, and especially near the middle when I nearly lost track of what was happening.
The characterisation was quite in-depth for flash fiction considering the focus isn't even on the narrator, but on this girl instead. Still, we learn a lot about her throughout this piece, and in the end it was a good thing we did!

Setting
The settings are quite in-depth in this flash fiction. You describe the actions of the characters slowly but surely and the emotions stemming from these descriptions are fairly realistic but aren't very detailed. In other words, I didn't feel anything for this new-found-love relationship. I could however, relate to the girl's appearance and can imagine what other people thought of her.
The beginning of the story that describes the above is important here because it tells us why the girl seemed to never find love, as well as how the narrator feels something to her all the same. The ending, which presents a twist as the narrator and the girl get married, was carefully crafted and I think it presented an idea of what true love is.

Structure/Mechanics
Your story has been laid out neatly, with all the paragraphs spaced out correctly and no problems with WritingML. The sentence structure is varied and manages to fit in with this story's concept, switching between detailed descriptive sentences and shorter, tense ones.
I saw one minor grammar mistake in the story.

Suggestions
I don't have any suggestions for this story. Well I do, but because this is flash fiction and you have a word count limit to stick I'm not suggesting anything that blows it out of proportion. But here is the grammar mistake I spotted:
         *Bullet*Write about a long-stemmed rose
A full stop is needed at the end of the sentence (yes, it's minor).

Overall
A warming romantic story which engaged with the idea of a small thing that changed a girl's life. Although I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought, that is just personal opinion. Excellent Job!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of Moments in Time  
Review by Anti
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Kiya!

Plot
The plot is very realistic in this story. The pace was very smooth, although it went a bit slow in the middle (when Norm had come home and was acting strangly) In particular I liked the background on Melissa and Norm's relationship, as well as Carl's relationship to his son. It not only helped me to understand this story better but also put a vivid touch of the realism on this type of situation.
The characterisation was very detailed for each character. You concentrated on each of them in turn and it helped me to picture the three of them in my mind. In turn, I could relate to both Melissa and Norm more than Carl.

Setting
The settings of the story were very in-depth and prompted a lot of emotions. I could feel Melissa's anger toward Carl and his neglect for his son (especially when he says, "What’s that thing boys are into these days…eh…eye-pod or something like that…”) and I shared Norm's moment when he mentions how he confroted Carl. The feelings here were very powerful and it helped me to picture a warm ending, and the actions of characters were described in detail, although I'm sure some more opiniated sentences could have been added. As for your scenary, these surroundings have been described very well and I could picture them easily in my head.
The beginning of the story starts with the attitude and personality of Carl clearly shown. It conveyed some excellent emotions and thoughts from Melissa that helped me relate to her. The ending, as I've said, clearly finishes the story on a warm and happy note, which to me shows that the relationship between mother and son is closer than ever.

Structure/Mechanics
The structuring of this story is excellent; all your paragraphs and dialogue are clearly spaced out. However your mechanics aren't perfect. A few sentences didn't make sense because you either missed out a word or because you used the wrong type of punctuation. But other than that, there are no problems with your sentence structure, as it thrives at squeezing out as much emotion as possible.
I saw a few grammar mistakes in the story, but no spelling ones.

Suggestions
1) First and foremost, change your rating to 13+. Actually you may not need to, but you do use the 'd' word once (I'm afraid of mentioning it, but you probably know where it is) and that is a 13+ word. Even so, it might not matter but you may want to keep this in mind.

2) Grammar errors:
         *Bullet*and one of the many reasons why is sitting right across from me
The word 'he' needs to be added inbetween 'why' and 'is', but the sentence still wouldn't make sense because you are meant to be referring to Carl, the father. In this case, put 'he' in Italics, to show that you are talking about someone else and not your son.
         *Bullet*“Is it now,” he mumbles
The comma should be a question mark, as you aren't continuing the question after 'he mumbles'.

3) After all, I’m the woman Carl Sawyer divorced and being a single mother in this small town is almost unheard of.
I don't understand this sentence. Does this mean that Melissa has a bad reputation for being a single mother or that she is keeping this a secret? I think you should clarify this a bit better.

4) “All these years...I didn’t need him and never will."
During the speech, perhaps Norm could mention what his father's reaction was to him entering his office and saying what he thought of him. It would tell me a little more about how Carl treats his son.

5) Just another minor thing; the word count for this item is 2111, but you've got it down as 2110.

Overall
Your story is very touching and has a heartwarming ending. Just a couple of mistakes in the writing itself, but the story definitely has potential.
Taking into account your reponse for the last but one review I did, I have given you a 3.5 because of these errors and points missed out, but because these can be quickly changed, it can still be cleared for a perfect 5.0. Anyway, Great Job!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of Immigration  
Review by Anti
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Kiya!

First Impressions
Your piece on immigration is very informative on this situation to people outside the US. We have the same problem here in the UK and so I can relate to your opinions on it. The probation idea that you considered (I think that's the right word) seems suitable for the rapid number of immigrants entering countries. Generally, your opinion has been expressed well along with some personal reponse about your own journey to American citizenship. However, I think there are some points that you have missed off.

Structure/Mechanics
The layout of this article is very organised. You have WritingML moderately so that it doesn't completely mess up the piece, rather to show off important parts in the article such as the quotes (which were put in perfect places in this piece) and emphasizing certain words. The sentence structure fits in with the concept of the piece, without any choppy sentences needed.
I saw one grammar mistake here, but no spelling mistakes.

Suggestions
1) I think you should include the fact that immigration happens in any other first-world country. Obviously because the focus is on America, it could be just kept brief.

2) Another thing which could be added (although this is against your argument); remember that illegal immigrants cannot afford to pay all these immigration fees in the first place. This reason could be added in the third paragraph, near where you mention why they move to America. However, you don't have to add this.

(b}3) Grammar mistake:
         *Bullet*I see others taking up residence here without ‘permission.’
That closing quotation mark should be in front of the full stop.

Overall
A very informative piece that poses some good points about an issue rising in danger, and some good suggestions as to how it can be treated. Great Work!
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of African Princess  
Review by Anti
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Kiya!

Plot
Even as flash fiction, you manage to tell the story of a journey to slavery so clearly. You cleverly make the time period of when the story takes place pass much quicker through the narrative. There aren't many stories of movement to slavery that I've read, so it was a breath of fresh air to read this. Therefore, I enjoyed reading through the story right through to the end.
The characterisation for the African Princess was very strong, probably because you choose to use first-person narrative. I could imagine her voice and pride for her people, which meant I managed to relate to her as a character.

Setting
The actions taking place in the story are very descriptive, helping the story to move along and for me to understand the narrator's emotions. It engaged my senses of sight, smell and hearing. The African princess's emotions were very vivid; I could imagine myself in her place as she was taunted by the White Man and separated from her family. By the end, I admired her courage to stay as an African Princess, so that story had brought a significant message.
The beginning starts off with that fairy tale sentence (Once upon a time...) which fits in with the title of the story and its character. The ending brings a summary of what is to come and more emotion, as the girl says she will never forget who she once was. This part was quite powerful to read.

Structure/Mechanics
The layout of this story is very neat. All the paragraphs are spaced out and your sentences flow evenly as well as make perfect sense to me. I noticed the clever switch for past tense to present near the end of the story; a smooth movement!
I didn't see any spelling or gramamr mistakes.

Suggestions
There is only one suggestion for this story, and that is a little contradiction:
         *Bullet*and we cried to our gods...we continued to pray to God
This doesn't make sense, as it would seem the people's apparent religion has changed. Because you mention 'God' twice, does that mean that is right?

Overall
An excellent piece of flash fiction which I enjoyed reading. Great Job!
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Review by Anti
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Matt. This is Antonia reviewing "My Last Day in Town"  from:
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This item number is not valid.
#1114763 by Not Available.


Plot
The introduction to your story is very clear and I can see how a serial of short stories can be formed from this. I also like how you brought together witnesses to tell their side to the story as well. However, you need to make more of a mention of this, because I ignored it the first time and ended up confused as to how you were seeing other people's lives at the time.
The characterisation isn't that detailed, but it can improve other the next few stories hopefully. Each person that plays a part in this story has a distinct personality from the rest, but you haven't really described their appearances very well. But again, that can also be developed over the course of your serial stories.

Setting
There are excellent settings in the story, and some bad ones as well. All the actions have been described clearly and very in-depth so that I could picture what was happening. The same goes for the scenery of where the story is taking place. However, I didn't feel any emotions from what is happening, even when your friend is about to be assaulted by a Mexican, and although I could understand relate to your (the narrator's) opinions about what is going on around you, I didn't feel anything else (sadness, humor etc etc).
The beginning of the story is good. It introduces us to the type of place that you live in and the best and worst landmarks there. Your ending is another exceptional point to the story, for it ends it in a cliffhanger. Here, I have to imagine the type of feelings you would have as a witness to what was to come, because it ends on that sentence. It definitely adds a perfect finishing touch to the story.

Structure/Mechanics
The layout is fairly neat and organised. You have spaced out most of the paragraphs (although there is still a big one which hasn't been broken down properly) and there are no problem with the sentence structure. Also, the flow is very smooth without any switching to past tense when it should still be present. What does bother me is your dialogue; it should be spaced apart and separated from each other like the paragraphs, but it is hunched up and it rushes the story and makes it confusing as to who is speaking to whom.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes.

Suggestions
1) You need to add some more emotion to the story. Although you weren't in all of these scenes, by piecing a story together like this you need to tell us how each of these people would be feeling in the situation. Otherwise, it is harder to relate to them as characters.

2) Space out your dialogue, so that large conversations look like scripts with speech marks. This way it is easier to tell who is talking. This doesn't matter much when it is mainly informal speech or only one person says something in a paragraph (e.g. Lacy's 12 year old sister just blurts out, "I have small t*ts, so stop looking!" does require to be split from the rest of the sentence or paragraph).

3) Still sleeping this late into the day
There needs to be one more space between this sentence and the paragraph above, because it moves on to another, new scene.

4) For some reason...
The same thing here, really (only because this paragraph is very big).

Overall
Your serial collection shows some promise as to the action that is going on, and I was engaged enough to read on. Even so, I think more of what happens could be added into this story, as it isn't that big yet. For now, though, sort out your dialogue and add more detail into your characters and emotions, so more readers can get interested in them. Keep Writing!
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Review by Anti
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Kiya. I've decided to start my reviewing now with "Girl in the Mirror" .

Plot
I liked reading this conversation; the contradicting worlds really show the two girls opinions and viewpoints of the past and present. Also, the plot twist at the very end of the dialogue prompted a lot of mystery about the girl Brenda, as we realise these two completely different females are actually related.
The characterisation is very detailed between both characters, even through just dialogue. I see Brenda as passionate about her race and people, whearas her future niece has a bad attitude and a completely different lifestyle. You have done very well to make both these characters unique.

Setting
Obviously there are no points for scenery here, but I can imagine the two girls speaking to each other through a long mirror which shows two different bedrooms. The background to the story is very clear with use of language and the talk of certain events that go on in their worlds. But it is the emotions I liked best because it is what helped me to relate to both characters. I am Black British (or Afro Carribean or whatever you call it) and I can share both the opinions of Brenda's distaste for the future and her niece's ideals for her lifestyle.
The beginning of the conversation clearly introduces us to the situation by the references to each other and their rooms. The ending of the conversations brings us to a nice plot twist. I liked this change because it made the niece think about that conversation and Brenda's last words for her; this way it prompted me to contemplate that as well.

Structure/Mechanics
The layout of the dialogue is very clear and so it is easy to tell who is speaking at what moment. I really liked the informal use of language with the girl from 2006, because it made the conversation more realistic and helped me to distinguish her from Brenda.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes in the poem.

Suggestions
I don't have any major suggestions for this piece, not without affecting the word count for the story. Sorry!

Overall
A vivid conversation showing two different time frames from two different girls and their viewpoints. A lot of effort has been put into this to show its realism. Superb Work!
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Review by Anti
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Daizy, this is Antonia reviewing "I Wanted To See An Elephant"  as part of:
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This item number is not valid.
#1142418 by Not Available.


Imagery
Your poem was quite descriptive, showing the journey of the narrator's search for an elepahnt using adjectives, but doesn't throughly go into much detail. I was able to picture a circus and a large, grey elephant from my viewpoint. Although there is no advanced imagery like alliteration or metaphors, I think there is enough of it so that children can understand and picture the concept.

Mood/Atmosphere
The mood in the poem is lighthearted and witty, as we hear how the narrator gets their comeuppance. I definitely feel that it brings a message across to children. It also sparked off emotions, so I could relate to the poem and understand it better. I think you used the correct type of language to suit the concept.

Rhythm
You have a simple, straightforward rhythm for this poem and have used proper, rhyming words for the couplets. This abcb pattern fits with the concept and it the poem is still understandable. However, some of the lines don't flow into one another smoothly because they have one too many syllables, so these need changing.

Structure/Mechanics
The layout of this poem is organised and eye-catching. The alignment to the center uses up more space and the image above it makes it stand out even more. All the lines of the poem have correct punctuation with them and you have used quite a varied sentence structure within it.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes throughout the poem.

Suggestions
1) Try center aligning the image above the poem, so that it is in line with the stanzas (if it's already center aligned then don't bother with this suggestion).

2) Rhythm suggestions:
         *Bullet*So, off to the circus I went.
This line sounds odd, not only does it seem too short, but the word 'went' makes the rhythm confusing. My only idea for this one was to get rid of the comma so that the reader doesn't pause when reading this line.
         *Bullet*About one hundred times my size.
This line is a bit too long. There isn't really a need for the word 'about', so get rid of that.
         *Bullet*Because he was standing on my toe!
Although this is the ending line, it still is a bit long due to the word 'because'. You could either change it to just 'cause', or if that's too informal then try 'as'.

Overall
A witty, simple children's poem which sends out a good message. I think it is one that young people of all ages can enjoy. Great Job!
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Review by Anti
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Steph. It's been awhile (*Blush*), but I'm reviewing "Emotions from New Orleans"  through the Simply Everything group.

First Impressions
This is a very emotional letter, but instead of sadness there is anger, frustration and sympathy for others. The personal reponse placed in here helped me to picture vivid scenes of what was happening in the Superdrome through the writer's eyes. I remember seeing the place in the news, with British people being caught up in there, but now I understand how some people felt at the time.

Structure/Mechanics
You've laid out the letter in the proper format, so no problems there. I liked the use of slang and informal lanaguage because it adds more emotion when reading it, as well as clarifying the viewpoint. This forms an excellent, balanced sentence structure.
I didn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes.

Suggestions
There is only one thing I wanted to point out:
Love,
Your Brother
Does this mean that one of your brothers wrote this letter and not yourself? I'm really confused by this as all the letters I've read so far were written by you to your sister Shelley.

Overall
An informative letter which really painted a scene and thoughts of the experience. Superb Job with this one!

Regards,
Antonia
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Review by Anti
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Steph, this is Antonia reviewing "An interview with WDC Author Starrstruck"  from the Simply Everything group.

First Impressions
This was an interesting interview to read and I think Starr Phenix was a good choice to pick because you two members are very close. The questions you asked were reasonable, relevant (at least to WDC and her writing career) and didn't seem to probe any embarassing answers!

Structure/Mechanics
The layout of the interview is very tidy and organized well. Whilst I would have preferred a script format toward the basic question-then-answer, it might have been what you needed to use for the contest (therefore I won't knock any marks off for that). The question is easily distinguishable from the answers by Starr and the personal reponse is conveyed freely through her language.
I saw one spelling mistake in the interview.

Suggestions
1) Include a greeting for the start of the interview. For example:
You:Thanks for coming along, starrstruck.
Starr:My pleasure etc. etc.

2) Spelling error:
         *Bullet*Let's welcome Starrstruck,miStarrious limited net access
There should be spaces before and after the comma.

Overall
A well-done interview, that definitely holds something professional about it. It is also a chance for other members to learn more about Starr Phenix . Great Job!
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Review by Anti
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Lobelia, I found "The Simple If Unbelievable Truth"  from the "Invalid Item"  and decided to check it out!

First Impressions
I throughly enjoyed reading this letter through, even though I'm a teenager and not the audience that the piece is directed at. I still managed to find a few bits funny from the Tooth Angel's personal reponse (mainly from the parts in brackets). If I had a chuckle when I was reading it, surely children younger than me can *Smile*!

Structure/Mechanics
Every part of the text in this letter is written informally to emphasize the humor of the situations the tooth angel gets into, so the language is suitable for preteens to understand. Paragraphs are clearly spaced out for children to read easier as well. The sentence structure throughout is varied enough between long, detailed sentences and shorter, tense ones. Finally, you've made a good use of WritingML in the memo.
I saw two spelling and one grammar mistake in the letter.

Suggestions
1) In the beginning of the second paragraph, you use many complicated words which I don't think younger readers would understand. If it is deliberate (considering the subject it probably is) then perhaps you could mention that and maybe apologise to the children in the family that wouldn't understand what she is talking about.

2) Spelling/grammar mistakes:
         *Bullet*I let out a deafening screech, then clapped my hands over mouth.
'clapped' should be 'clasped'.
         *Bullet*Thank goodness I don't need oxygen to breath,
'breath' should be 'breathe'.
         *Bullet*(after five months of walking, mind you (My wings are still out of commission!)
You have an extra bracket which i don't think is needed. You can either put a second closing bracket at the end of the second sentence, or get rid of the extra one and replace it with a full stop.

Overall
A humorous story/letter which holds some interesting superstition about tooth fairies and whether we notice them around. Although the story is part of a series, this one could sell as a story in a collection. However, that is just my opinion! Excellent Work!
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