Thank you for the story. The sentence structure is a little too bunched up to read well. The story has an interesting plot and should be expanded.
I'm not really a fan of spoiled princesses' becoming heroes stories, being a shounen-manga reader, but It did keep my attention.
Here are some corrections for you: "born the Kingdom Scholar did not detect any presence of magic. However...."
"born the Kingdom's Scholar did not detect any presence of magic. However..."
She hesitated, unsure how hoe to continue She hesitated, unsure how hoe to continue
I'm not sure who said this and why. Is this a thought of Lillian from the present or the future? "There isn't much to say about her. She later plays a bigger part in the plot where the female lead tries to gain her favour, but she was easily won over with sweets. She's just a spoiled princess."
I'm not sure what the question was for Dani to answer. Dani had answered with a shrug.
The last few sentences kind of confused me. Does Dani's description of the manga Lillian read, portends her world in the future?
My wife and I just had a conversation about dogs and cats and having souls. I asked her if a dog could be evil. She said no. Then I looked at my cat and said, "Can cats be evil?" My wife said yes. So maybe animals do have souls.
The story has been repeated in our family, too. But our conversation would have been nowhere as long as yours.
I have a problem with the cellar door being locked. I surmised that they had entered the cellar, but the door at the top of the stairs into the house was locked. I have to imagine that unless you have a real scare of basements, not many people have locks on that door. The Cellar door to the outside would have been locked instead. I'll take it that the cell phone sometimes doesn't work down there.
And why didn't the parents scream back at the child or run outside and tag him down?
A story about a cat that thinks. Hmmm... maybe. A more straightforward story would be about a dog. Cats are much harder than dogs to tell what is going through their heads. I imagine most words in a cat's language would be for sleeping, eating and attacking the dog.
Thanks for the story. I was under the impression that it was a puppy at first but then bam! a kitten.
This was a lovely story about Autumn. A season, in my opinion, is underappreciated. I live in a place where leaves change to many colors, mostly brown, and acorns fall on your cars and your head. The musty mold and dirt smell is rare because of the giant lake I live by.
Thanks for the story.
Interesting Story. I've known some scoundrels in my day who would cheat. There were no copiers or cameras to cheat easily. We had to work hard and write down the answers. Then, you would have to memorize the answers and use them. You didn't know that the teacher changed the answers until you got a bad grade because you wrote the wrong answers.
What happens when you are too smart for your good? Using deductive reasoning to pick up women. I liked the story. Thank you for the short story. The grammar and word flow was good.
You need to add a Quote mark in front of "First of all, there’s nothing on the bag to let us know...
Self-awareness is one of the greatest attributes of an Adult. I never wrote or read many stories when I was younger. It's got to be harder today with kids having everything on their computers and phones. My kid reads manga all day long. I'm glad you're writing. I enjoyed your prose.
The story was well written, but it couldn't hold my attention very well. It might be the genre or because I've seen Superboy many times in comic books and TV shows. I appreciate your writing technique and besides a few misspelled words, was good.
Jamie had never had detention. His deportment record was spotless, Jamie had never had detention. His department record was spotless,
Interesting story. One has to ask, though, just because he was gay, even if it was fifteen years ago, why did he have to stop seeing his daughter? Just because you love men now doesn't mean you should abandon your family. He could have had both.
It's hard to write a review on a poem of 14 words when the review needs to be 250+ characters.
But let's try.
Life twists and tweaks, suggest that our lives turn in many ways, good or bad. As such, these turns indicate Let those who hold it in trust beware, this tells me that you can never guess where these twists and turns are going to be or what happens during them, so you shouldn't even try.
This was a nice story about why you write. I'm unsure if it's spelled differently in England, but I thought permanentise was a new word. Here, it is spelled permanentize. That's a good word for what goes around in my head too. These are dreams and thoughts that I wish to remember when I'm older. So what if it doesn't look like Stephen King or William Shakespeare writing? No one reads it? I don't care either; that is the one good thing when you write for yourself. You're the only critic that counts. But then there is something to say about placing your writings on an online writing website and making it public. Just a little bit, a little bit; you want someone to tell you that they like it and have similar points of view.
I enjoyed your essay and wish you luck on your writing travels.
I decided to read your second story about K.C. and her sister Yell. I'm a male, so getting into this story is difficult, exacerbated by my dislike for slice-of-life stories. It is written very well, with a few errors here and there. I don't mind that too much.
The story kept my attention, even with my male deficiency. I enjoyed it. Thank you.
One error:
..and tried to collect myself.Needs a period at the end.
"sure. just don’t do anything nuts," I responded. This one's a little harder for me to correct. I would have capitalized the s in sure, but if you wrote the text out with no capitals, I would think it would be acceptable as a small s.
It has been a while since you wrote this story, but I found it a good read. (Not the subject it pertained to; that's something that won't ever be good>
The writing flowed well, and the people introduced were fleshed out by the end. The nickname Yell caught me off guard for a while. I thought that it might be slang for something. Like when someone says "Word?" but they say "Yell?"
“Yell? It’s been, what, graduation since I last saw her? How is she?”
Thank you for the story.
One correction:
“If I can make her go back,” I told her. “But she was saying muttering about ‘oh I don’t have a home’ or whatever.”
Interesting story. The idea that brains in a jar can be useful started with Frankenstein's monster and continued to Futurama. (I know, they were heads with brains in them.) All electric pulses have diminished, and the brain is dead.
I'd like to see what the character would do with his/her mother's brain once they got it back. The tipsy security guard is one for the books. It seems like one of those companies that makes its money, goes bankrupt, and then places all of its inventory of brains into jars in a basement somewhere.
I'm not sure how to review this. It almost seems like a message that would be left on a phone's text or Twitter. But somehow, it works for me. It's almost like I am spying on a person's secret text they sent someone, and they want me to help them decide what to do.
I would advise you as a friend, after a letter like that, don't put a smiley face emoji at the end. :)
There were times that I thought some M. Night Shyamalan twist would occur, and you actually never talked to this person, but you thought you did. You just seem to miss each other too often and you dreamed up your relationship.
I'm not sure what you're going for. The now capitalized i's and long paragraphs might just be the charm of this realistic story.
Interesting take on Lilith's persona. Very well written, and I can picture someone holding a cross in front of her, chastizing her, and poetically banishing her.
"He who fell to the depths of ruin" and "May God smite thy devilish beast."
Should that be "May God smite thee, devilish beast" or is the poem talking to Lucifer about thy beast called Lilith? I'm not very good with the old language terms.
This introduction has too many unknowns to create a usable review for myself. It seemed more like an excerpt from the middle of the story than an introduction. I've read it several times, and the imagery was too much at first, but then it started growing on me, and I started to understand. I'm a lazy reader. That must be what it is.
From my point of view, the story is about a true god that gives power to a recently dead person. Maybe she was killed by a higher power, friend, or someone in power? The true god decides to use her as his pawn to rid himself of the false gods that are about to descend into her world while she gets her revenge on whoever killed her. The circular object in her hand is a cherished memento from someone she knows or an artifact of her previous life.
Thanks for the story.
Title: "The Power of One", "Just Another Round"
You need to correct:
"I'll answer them--one on condition," the familiar face
"I'll answer them—on one condition," the familiar face
Interesting story. I could follow some of it, but at other parts, like my customers always say, it sounds like you are speaking gobblie-gook. That's more on my ignorance than your writing. The one thing I kept asking myself was why it was necessary that you had to be highly intelligent to enter into a portal that opens on Christmas day. You might have to be smart to understand why it opens on Christmas and what energy is needed to keep it open (especially for fifty years on one side.) But not to travel through it. It would have been interesting if they had some device to open it or if the portal moved around and they needed formulas to find out where it would open next.
I found your story quite likable. It's sometimes hard for me to read other people's stories, but I finished yours until the end. The story was entertaining and I liked how the words flow. Zuk and Zob played off each other well. The fancy words in contrast to the simple minds of the caveman added to the likeability of the story.
Interesting dream. Why do people want shipboard computers to have a personality? Imagine driving in a car, and alarms start going off. They do, and they scare me too! "My sensor is covered. Please clean it off, or I won't let you use Cruise anymore." I guess that will be placed in spaceships too.
Thanks for your dream and sorry about my rant of the "HAL" computers taking over.
This was a good poem. I enjoyed the words you used to rhyme with. If only we could jump through that gateway and see what's on the other side. You always feel the grass is greener on the other side, but usually it's not. Thanks a lot for the poem.
Your writing is good. Short stories are always hard to review because they are meant to be sparse in detail.
Being a reader of Sci-Fi, I've read this plot a million times.
I wrote four paragraphs and deleted them on the feasibility of missions on a ship when most people would be sleeping. See Passengers or even Wally movies.
(An old TV show called 1999 comes to mind. It had the moon blown out of its orbit. Missions would be done to planets that it passes. Very unrealistic)
But this is sci-fi, so I look forward to seeing how you make it work!
P.S. My wife says I should stop analyzing everything and just enjoy it.
This was a good story. This is the reason I won't have garden gnomes in my garden. The story, even though it was short, had a good rhythm and flow to it. You probably wouldn't look at your gnomes the same again after that happened. So you know, they'll want to stay.
Your writing is beautiful and easy to read. I'm an amateur writer and read through your whole story. I usually stop a few paragraphs through if I don't like the writing. I can't say I liked the story, though. Not that that's your fault at all. It's my preference for realistic fantasy. I found the story to be without conflict. It seemed the heroines were great at everything and had no problem defeating a dragon or a traitor, I would assume the girl's ages are young. Not to be sexist, the men seem to be pretty weak, and a father, the king, would lock his daughters up first before letting them confront a dragon by themselves. Now, I don't have a reference to what this fantasy world is like. It could be that women are stronger than men because it is a fantasy, after all. It could also be that God has chosen these women to be the world's saviors and is fighting with them. It's a short story, a lot has to be left out, I know. But a king with a kingdom has to have a certain level of fighting skill, as does his army. You could have sent the army out with her and still had her save the kingdom.
Once again, don't take my view as something negative. Your story is how you made it and if you like it, that's all that counts.
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