Some constructive criticisms. (I write notes to myself in the reviews, so if the review seems to jump around a lot, it does. I just left the notes in as is)
The premise of the story is good. It needs to be built on.
The story sounds more like a news report of facts than a story. Your characters aren't established enough to distinguish what is going on.
Did the viceroy take over the kingdom, or was he left in charge? If he took over, why is he not the king now? Do people think Queen Marissa, who is actually her sister Olivia, is having relations with the Viceroy? Was the Viceroy's takeover legitamit? If the people think that Olivia is Marissa, wouldn't they hate Marissa for being so evil?
Why is the king so sad about a Merchant dying? Why is Sir Arm still with the king? Why is the king's guard still with the dethroned king?
Why is the drawbridge closed? Is there a town next to the castle? If there is, a closed drawbridge would hamper pedestrian and merchant flow. Why would Marissa place herself in danger by going to confront her doppelganger?
You need to picture the events unfolding in real time and then write them down.
You have all these facts, and you don't let them come out organically, and it becomes muddled.
For Example:
The story now:
Merchants are dying. Posters are on trees. Other merchants say that that merchant is bad. The king cried over these merchants.
Rewrite: The half-eaten body was found in the pig sty next to the two culprits who were charged to get rid of the body. The two pigs had eaten their fill of the dead but had left the head and torso intact. The gruesome leftovers were easily identifiable.
"It's that family merchant who gives the free bread to the poor," said the constable.
"Did he fall into the pen?" asked a man who couldn't mind his own business.
"No, he doesn't live around here." Holding his breath, the constable grabbed the remains and flipped him over. A busted arrow in the back gave him the clue he wanted.
"It was murder!" said another passerby.
"Who could have done that to this man?"
"Wasn't he the dethroned King's brother? Maybe that tyrant, the viceroy, did it!"
Take your time with the characters. I know you have all these things you want to do with them, and you know them intimately in your head. The reader needs to learn about them and their history slowly. The story does not need to jump around so much.
It could start like this:
It starts off with two people talking in a bar about the kingdom. They're afraid to talk too loud, and they start to whisper. The King/Ex-King and Sir Arm walk in and sit down. Nobody recognizes them, and they hear the story.
Telling history can be entertaining and educational.
Other notables:
It looks as if you replicated the story of the drawbridge.
There were a lot of inconsistencies, too. It looked like it was storming by the bridge at one point, and the people could still talk to each other across the drawbridge. Unless the king lived alone in the castle, a drawbridge would only be closed if someone attacked it.
At one point, the Queen is at the castle, and then the story says she is stopped at the drawbridge.
"The queen's coach has arrived with the honour guard of the king. The guards did not say a
word as they rode into the kingdom's gates."
It needs some work. I'm sorry if I offended you. If you have some notes on what you want to tell, the characters, and what the plot is, I might be able to offer some help.
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