I like the style of your essay, and I enjoyed following your logic. My only comment is that trying to prove the existence of a Being who can only be known through faith is a fundementally futile exercise in the first place, and that attempting to prove a negative of any sort is useless. The folks who are drawn to such proofs aren't listening to me, though. Maybe they'll listen to you.
This is very cool. It reminds me of Lando Calrissian's station in the original Star Wars trilogy, or of some episodes of Babylon 5. Your hero is attractive, your plot is convoluted, and your writing style is perfectly appropriate to the subject matter.
I only wish you'd written more than one chapter. Please let me know when you do post the rest of it, as I'd love to see it.
Before I even start reading, in the prologue to this, you've got an extra 's' in 'disappearance.'
The emotion in this is very vivid, and the ending heart-wrenching. The question in the third stanza makes a very effective turning point.
But the grammar and spelling and language use is a real problem. "To date" is two words with no hyphen, although "today" might work better there, and I think in the last stanza there's an "untie" that's meant to be a "unite."
The last line of the sixth stanza has an extra "to." You could fix it and still keep the meter by saying "Trying to make it whole." You also might want to reorder the words in the third line of the seventh stanza to something like "Afar we wander constantly."
The strength of the poem is obvious: I love it, in spite of what I perceive to be technical flaws. Thanks for posting it, and I hope to see you around!
It never fails to amaze me that someone can write one hundred sensible words without repeating any of them, and I'm astounded when I find a piece of this genre as well-written as this one.
Not to mention, it's just plain HOT!
And it's perfect. I wouldn't change a thing. Thanks loads for sharing it.
This is lovely. I was all set to compare the piece to stories of Lancelot and Guinevere or David and Bathsheba, until the General went and spoiled it for me. Notice I say the General, not the author--your characters seem that real.
The only thing I'd think about changing is the beginning of the fourth paragraph, which seems a little stilted, language-wise.
Beyond that, you've got this one nailed. Good job, and thanks for sharing the great read!
Ooh, this is chilling! Reminescent of "My Last Duchess." I love it!
Your sentence structure is a little disjointed, particularly in the first and third paragraphs, but I think with this character that might not be unexpected.
I don't know that the image isn't a little too explicit--it rather takes away all the delicious uncertainty in the letter, but it's certainly appropriate to the story.
Silly question: if he did this thing three nights ago, how come he's only now emailing Angela?
But please don't take my criticisms as more than passing observations. This is an extremely good story. Thanks for sharing it.
The emotion in this is spot-on, and the fact that it's distilled into so short a poem is nothing short of miraculous.
I did, however, wonder at your punctuation. I can live with the lack of periods at the end of the sentences, but I'd like to see that solitary comma become a semicolon.
But who am I to pick nits? This poem is more than worthy just as it is. Thanks for sharing it.
This is very nice. I especially like the transition from mundane to mythic, from the plastic clock to seasonal rebirth. I've seen a number of treatments of the theme, many where He is unwilling to die, but this is the first where he's taken it out on His Mother. Both characters' emotions are very plausible, though, and the story is a great read. Thanks very much for sharing it.
This is certainly an interesting format, and it does enhance your content. The first three lines, in particular, are very effective.
But, you know your "eight syllable" line is thirteen syllables long, right? And the "six" is actually ten? I feel like I must be missing something somewhere. Perhaps I'm meant to be counting words instead of syllables?
At any rate, it's still a special piece of work. "Sit by the inky blue water," is a line I'll remember for a long time.
This is one delightful parody! You've made a childhood fairy tale into a totally grown-up nightmare, and you've made it hilarious! Your techinical execution is perfect, your plot is delightful and your characters are perfect.
As a matter of fact, the whole story is perfect, right down to Alice in Jersey. Very, very well done!
Your play on words is first rate, but all the explanation just distracts from it. I wouldn't bother with the parentheses in the last line of the poem proper. The meaning is obvious even without them. The hyphens in the title are also an unnecessary distraction.
None of which means this isn't a read-worthy piece, but it could be shortened by more than half without losing anything.
Here's another of your trademark character sketches, and this one, too, would make a great monologue. Your narrator's railings against some unspecified "them" and her musings on her mother's relationship and her father's attitude ring very true.
I did wonder how a child so young had someone "taken care of" so that they moved, but perhaps there's something here I'm not picking up on. At any rate, what I did get, I greatly enjoyed. Thanks for sharing this with us.
What an introspective little scene this is! I love Lilly's internal dialogue. The only thing I'd think about changing would be the last sentence. The parentheses are unnecessary, and they're a distraction. I think I'd say something like
Lilly turns on her heels--her very expensive Christian Louboutin heels--and....}
Or perhaps not. It's your story, and it's a gem. Thanks for sharing it.
I like this a lot. It would make a wonderful monologue for the right actress, or the introduction to a larger story.
I do question the use of parentheses, though. Most of the places where you have them, a comma could set off the dependent clause--I think there may be one place where it would have to be a semicolon, but at any rate, it would be quite simple.
I say again, though, it's a lovely character sketch. I particularly like the third sentence from the end: "I can't, and I'm leaving." That just echos in my conciousness.
This is a very nice take on the contest prompt. I did wonder, though, about the commas in the first two lines. The poem seems to read better without them, to my ear at least. It also seems like the first six lines are one sentence, and could well end with a comma apiece, except for the last one. That would require a verb, too--perhaps "staying" could become "I stay."
Listen to me rewriting you, and this so close to perfection! Bad me! Anyway, the last four lines, and particularly the final one, are wonderfully effective. Well done! I enjoyed your poem immensely. Thanks for sharing it!
This is very cool, and a very good take on the prompt. There are a couple of places where the rhyme seems rough to my eye, but I suspect this is a result of our differing dialects (confession: where I live armour has no u). I truly don't get the bit about "walk the lane," though. Is that an expression I'm not familiar with?
Anyway, let me stop criticizing just to hear myself whinge. It's a very nice poem, and I like it very much. Thank you for sharing it with us.
This is a spectacular poem, full of awesome emotion. Your use of form enhances your meaning; I particularly like the refrain "Take me there." One can almost hear a congregation whispering it in response to a prayer.
There are only a couple things that you might consider changing:
"brillant?" Please check the spelling.
In the second stanze, I don't think the "of" in the two middle lines is standard usage. The poem might read more smoothly if you left them out.
Again, let me say that this is a most impressive "newbie" poem. Thanks for posting it, and welcome to WDC!
Ooh, a character, or actually two, or again, maybe only one. They're fascinating, of course, especially the contrast between them.
I also wonder if they're for a story you're working on, for an RPG, or what. I could wish you'd put a notation somewhere to tell us where you're going with them. In any case, it'll surely be cool.
This description could do with a little more attention to format: you don't always use colons and slashes consistently, or have consistent spaces around them.
Also, I wonder how one character can have a known complexion, and the other's be unknown in this particular situation.
Anyway, as I've said, they're really cool characters. I'm looking forward to seeing where you go with them. Thanks for posting!
This is very nice! The situation is clear, the characters are delightful and the level of tension stays high throughout. Well done, indeed!
I only noted a few things that could be improved.
Your ellipsis has enough periods for two. You only need three periods. If the ellipsis comes at ithe end of a sentence, you follow it with the punctuation: question mark, exclamation point or a fourth period.
Also I found this part unclear:
So he had actually heard me even though from a third person's view he had got the message.
Typo: expecially for especially
Other than these minor points, though, this is a very effective story. Again, well done!
The story certainly has a very strong start, and you sustain a sense of urgency while implicitly developing both your characters. Who would stay in such a situation? Who would just watch her? It's very cool, and the imagery is delicious.
Unfortunately I feel that two aspects of the piece are less than assets:
1) The explanation ("Today was a solar eclipse and according to the story I had read last night....") could be much stronger. You're too good a writer not to introduce the eclipse earlier. Perhaps the protagonist could be watching it when the other character arrives? And perhaps he could acquire the information he needs some other way--maybe the radio is on and someone's babbling about strange eclipse stories?
2) My impression is that your ending is a copout. I either want to hear the wish in all its glory, or see some twist at the end that makes it unnecessary. As it is, the story just seems incomplete.
Thanks for posting it, though. It's a very strong start. If, as I suspect, it was written for a particular challenge, I hope you'll revise it now that that's no longer a factor and give it the stronger ending it deserves.
As fascinating as I found the technical paragraphs, I found that they distracted from your narrative. It might have worked better as a straightforward tutorial, perhaps with the narrative examples set off with quote tags and a bit of transition ("Picture this:").
In addition, I found far too many errors of grammar and language to list. I'd recommend running the piece through a spell checker.
Also I'm afflicted with the impression that the purpose of this essay is to get recognition from the rest of us. There's nothing wrong with that, but I'm not sure it makes very effective reading, especially when coupled with all the spelling trouble.
I'm afraid my rating may not be what you expect. If you'd like to massage this a bit, I'd be glad to come back and re-rate it.
Interesting. I like the imagery and word choice, I don't see a single typo and the structure seems perfect. The graphic form of the stanzas, angling down, and the repetition like a series of drips echos the form of the poem quite effectively.
The only thing that bugs me is the title. How is the cinder block involved? I know they're often used to weight bodies, but there's no hint of this in your poem.
Anyway, this is a really cool piece. Welcome to WDC.
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"brillant?" Please check the spelling.
In the second stanze, I don't think the "of" in the two middle lines is standard usage. The poem might read more smoothly if you left them out.
Your ellipsis has enough periods for two. You only need three periods. If the ellipsis comes at ithe end of a sentence, you follow it with the punctuation: question mark, exclamation point or a fourth period.