You've written a lyric in a long tradition of folk humor, and accessed a great resevoir of human experience of bus, train, ferry and any other sort of mass transportation. The rhymes may be approximate and the meter twisted, but both fit the story to perfection. Well done!
What amazes me most about this piece is that among the humor and imagery and challenge to eons of tradition, it is so very easy to find a nugget of Truth. Even the names are hilarious, and yet meaningful beyond that . This is a beautiful piece. Thanks very much for sharing it with us.
This is a very helpful piece with a cornucopia of ideas, some of which I hadn't heard before.
Unfortunately, I think there may be too many ideas here. I wonder if they wouldn't be more effective if broken into several smaller articles. Another option might be to use different emoticons for each category: green leaves for ways of dealing with block, yellow ones for name suggestions and orange for research, perhaps.
I'd also consider editing the title so that your readers know the article contains more than suggestions for coming up with story ideas.
I hope you don't take this wrong, because this is first-rate information. I just think it might be better off for some polish applied to the presentation.
This is another spectacular--what do you call a "chapter" of poetry? A "canto?" Anyway, it's great. The only thing I would suggest is to have something else flicker in this wolf's eyes: another color, or a hint of emotion or something.
This should be read aloud to the accompaniement of Copeland's "Fanfare for the Common Man." As an anthem for human aspiration and experience, it's pretty much perfect. I don't see a technical discrepancy anywhere, and the few repeated lines are like spotlights on your meaning; they make it crystal clear.
This is absolutely gorgeous imagery, full of mystery and magic and wonder and all the things a poem should be. Thank you ever so much for sharing it with us!
Please don't be peeved, but I do see a couple of technical discrepancies you might want to address:
This poem works in a great many ways. There are places where we're not sure if the speaker has changed and we're getting both halves of a relationship, or if the same person is still speaking and just considering another aspect of things. I particularly like the fourth stanza; the repetitive beginning of the lines is just magical.
This is very, very good. I enjoyed it no end. I think it could use a touch more nonsense, though. There are a lot of places where things make perfect sense. "ferin rain," for instance, is rain of some unknown sort, but we know that it's rain. It could have been "ferin hooth."
But it's still fantastic. Thanks for sharing it.
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This is a wonderful story about wonderful characters behaving in absolutely inevitable ways that lead up to an ending that could not possibly be other than it is, and yet still manages to surprise. I always feel like a failure when I rate something five-oh; I feel like I should have been able to come up with some advice or suggestion that would help you make the piece better.
All I can say about this one is "I wouldn't change a thing." Well done.
This is utterly cool, but it reads like two stories in one. I wish there was some hint of the suspense in the second half during the budding romance in the first. Perhaps the boys could be around, causing less serious trouble?
Whatever you do, I'd think about getting rid of the line about the Christmas they would never see. Not only is it cheesy, it telegraphs your ending and therefore decreases suspense.
But as I've said, it's a very enjoyable piece. Going right now to read Chapter 2!
You've evoked the experience of early air combat in a truly masterful way, and your character is a perfect hero--just flawed enough to be believable. Your mastery of English is quite evident. Unfortunately it's also quite evident that German is not your native language, even to someone like me who never got past the student level. I'm afraid I don't know enough to help you (except to say that it's "kein Englisch," not "nein"), but I'd strongly suggest you ask a German speaker to look at this. It's far too good a piece to be brought down by something like that.
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This is an exceptionally well-imagined account of a day that truly changed history, as well as changing a young girl's life. I enjoyed it very much. While your use of language is technically perfect--there are neither typos nor outright violations of the rules of grammar in this piece--I did find it a bit awkward at times. "Standing in the street, discussing," for instance, seems incomplete: "discussing it" might be easier to read.
Don't let me fool you, though. I've enjoyed this story as much as anything I've seen on writing.com. Well done.
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I like this very much. The public's attitude has improved since the sixties and seventies, but we're still far from accepting of the people who've damaged themselves fighting our wars.
I did notice one instance, here, of lack of agreement between subject and verb. "Looks rips" should be either "looks rip" or "look rips."
But even so, I wouldn't have missed this poem for anything. Thanks for sharing it with us.
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After reading everything you said about rules and feelings, the first thing I almost wrote down is "how come you put the whole thing in italics?"
Thank you for letting us know what kind of feedback you want to see. It's a very kind thing to give folks some guidance, so that we don't flail around trying to write something about each of a laundry list of aspects (theme-characters-setting-plot-execution-et cetera) just in case that's what the particular reviewee wants.
I will repress the urge to talk about comma splices in this piece, and saying "think" when I believe you meant "thought." Those are only rules, after all.
Thanks for sharing this. Although it's obviously not knew, it says some things that a lot of us need to hear.
Very interesting poem, and very interesting presentation. The rhyme and meter are definitely there, and yet you make us work for them by putting the poem in paragraph form. That's original, and it makes me wonder if it relates to your theme--you've done it in a very original manner, but is it "better," or is it just for effect?
It's insightful, anyway. I enjoyed reading this, and I loved that you made me think about it. Thanks for sharing your poem.
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I was cheering for your character until I realized she'd given up.
Your poem is technically delicious--I don't see a spelling or grammar error anywhere. On top of that, you paint a very realistic portrait of the inside of a fat lady's head. The only thing that struck me is that her actions are undermotivated. Something else surely happened to move her to such extreme measures, and I would have liked to see that something in the poem.
But I enjoyed it tremendously just as it is. Thanks loads for posting it!
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You have a wonderful metaphor here, and a perfectly lovely theme. The blind have been seers for centuries, of course, but we can always use another piece like this. I particularly like your last stanza. Very, very, very well done!
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This is fascinating. All the technical flaws can be attributed to the narrator's use of language, I think, and the dream sequences are beautifully surrealistic while still revolving around the central question. I find myself wondering if the mystery woman was real, or just a symptom of some physical problem that was in the process of leading to the inevitable ending. Very well done, and thanks for sharing with the rest of us.
This is grotesque, which in this context is a good thing. Your characters are deliciously evil, and their relationship makes for great fiction.
However, I'm not certain if they're vampires or werewolves or what. It might be worth editing to make their situation a little clearer. Also, it would be nice to what particular conflict led one of them into the sewers, with bullets.
But it was still an interesting read, and I find myself wanting to read more about these guys. Thanks very much for sharing this.
This is a beautiful re-imagining of the Psyche myth, and Pegasus certainly has a better motivation for opening the crystal than she had for opening the box. I like your ending, too, and I particularly like that you made one of the Muses male. I never did feature the fact that the patrons of the arts were all comely young women!
I hate to say this, though, but your story is full of technical discrepencies, from the "roamers" that Pegasus heard to the sentence structure of the last paragraph. I'd suggest running it through a spelling and grammar program, because this is truly too special a story to be ruined by straining the language.
If you do choose to revise this, please let me know. I'd love to come back and re-rate it.
This is incredibly cool! I'm still laughing even as I write the review, even though alcohol abuse is nothing to laugh about. This is still an admirable portrayal of human nature, and I enjoyed it very much.
The only technical things that I would think about changing are the hyphens in the last two stanzas, which could be commas without losing anything, and the line "My life is lonely, I'm afraid!" which should probably have a semicolon rather than a comma. I don't think the character is afraid that his life is lonely. I think these are two items in a list.
And that seems a petty thing to say about so very neat a poem. Thanks very much for posting it.
This is a fantastic first chapter to what's going to be a great novel! I love your characters, both Jason's puzzled determination and Abeni's competence, and I love the setting, and I particularly love the original take on the particular myth you're using (this is a public review, and I don't want to spoil anyone).
The only reason this didn't get a five-oh rating is a couple of stray hyphens: "at-best" should be one word, and so should "taken-in."
Other than that, this is perfect. Thanks so much for sharing it with us!
Off to read the next chapter now.
I rarely enjoy pieces written in the second person, but the introduction to your story is a first rate example of the practice! Well done!
The allegory that follows is even better, worthy of C.S. Lewis. Vee is a magnificent character, and her dilemna makes for a beautiful piece of prose. It's lovely, and I believe I see a few chisel marks from the Sculptor's inspiration.
It's a 5.0. I wouldn't change a single thing.
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