What a lovely exotic atmosphere you create for a tale that's unfortunately commonplace. The contrast between the two relationships, husband and sister, is quite telling. Your imagery and language use are first rate.
Yeah, I liked this. You could tell?
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I'm not sure there aren't multiple sentences in the third and fourth stanzas, requiring periods instead of commas, but this in no way diminishes the wonderful atmosphere you've created. Well done!
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Oh, very cool! Thanks for turning me on to this one! I'm not sure if it's meant to refer to an ordinary winter or an ice age fimbulwinter, and I'm not sure I'm meant to be sure. At any rate, it's a very special poem, not the least for the last line.
Okay, I'm not going to knock it down from a five-oh for this, but I'm not sure the hyphen - this one - shouldn't be replaced by an em-dash--like this--but maybe that's just me.
I have chills running up and down my spine. Carrie is a great character, a true psychopath. One wonders what Jason's life with her will be like.
I did find the scene break a bit disorienting. For a second when Jason called out and lifted that branch, I thought he had found both girls. Silly, silly me, but still. Of course, I might have been so overwhelmed by the horror of the thing that I lost track
But don't let me fool you. This is a great story. Thanks for posting it.
What lovely imagery. One can just see the dancing snow princesses and their cherry blossom sisters piling up at play. I wonder that you didn't do something similar with the leaves, but perhaps they have their own poem somewhere.
At any rate, this one's very special. Thanks very much for sharing it.
Magnificence is rare in amorous poetry, but I think you've reached it here. Your viewpoint characters thoughts, particularly in ignoring the sunrise to watch his beloved, are effective in the extreme.
I always feel like a failure when I can't make even one suggestion to improve a piece. Crown me with the dunce cap, though, 'cause this one is perfect.
Very nice, and very realistic. We'll attribute the imperfect rhymes to the busy housewife, shall we? The metaphors are perfect here, and the imagery...
*wanders into kitchen to check*
--yep, perfect. Very well done, indeed, although the last couplet could probably use some more work.
Anyway, thanks for sharing this. It made my morning.
So is this a real-life angel, or a psychic one? Doesn't matter; great poem either way. Your imagery vividly depicts depression, and the word choices support the atmosphere of gloom without descending into the trite or tawdry. I particularly like the withered rose in the last stanza. Well done!
What a lovely account of what must have been a most moving moment--once you recovered, of course. Your use of language is perfect for the purpose, and I was especially chuffed by the prophetic bit at the end. Centering the text is not a choice I would have made, but it certainly works, and the font color sets off the birthday graphic perfectly.
This is very cool, and not just because of the always-entrancing subject matter. I particularly like the way you used statistics in the poem. It may not do much for the meter, but even a historical poem rarely goes that deep. It's quite an original device, and very well used.
The poem as a whole is a treat, of course. Thanks very much for sharing it with us.
What a helpful article! I'm particularly impressed by your give step method for developing an idea from an image prompt. I shall have to give that a try!
The piece is technically perfect; I see neither an typos nor any grammatical discrepancies. Your voice, while perhaps a bit enthusiastic, is still appropriate to the subject matter and the to subject in question.
But I wonder why you stuck to development of plot. With the photograph you chose, it would surely be just as easy to start by developing a character.
But I'm quibbling where I shouldn't. This is a most valuable asset, and I thank you for sharing it with us.
This is very effective imagery, and quite an insight into your narrator's state of mind. I suspect I'm not the only one whose favorite "line" is the last stanza: it's extremely effective.
I think, though, that "other side" is two words, even in this context.
But that doesn't stop this from being a very cool poem. Thanks for sharing it.
Very cool! I like the alternation of verse with short prose segments. Very creative form!
I love the understated heartbeat metaphor, too, and the tone of the language. The image of the swinging pendulum opening a door is quite nice. This is a very effective poem. I wonder if the last sentence in the first prose passage really should end in a question mark, but perhaps I'm just picking nits.
This is a heart-rending story, especially if one already knows the ending from another of your pieces. I don't think the omniscient point of view does this any good, either. It could easily be two stories: Miranda's and Susan's.
Also, what you have here is a scene. There's no express conflict, although the potential is present in the internal dialogue. There's no significant action. Possibly it would work better if you started with the presentation to the judge?
Or maybe not. It's a fascinating story, in any case. Thanks for sharing it.
This is a lovely story, or introduction to a story. Sassy's story is an inspiration. I think the piece might benefit from a more definite viewpoint. We hop around, omniscient, from Jeni to Susan and the judge and back. At first, Sassy's writing her full name on her schoolwork, then she's visiting her birth mom at McD's before she's five.
Idea that just attacked me: this might read quite well in the first person, if Jeni was telling the story to someone. Then she could speculate about what the others felt. Maybe the whole thing is what she tells Sassy at the time of the favorite number conversation?
Or maybe not. This is your story, and it's lovely. Thanks very much for sharing it.
For light verse, this one has a suprisingly telling moral. While the voice has changed, of course, I believe your poem is true to the original author's concept of the character.
I know it's a howling good read. Thanks very much for sharing it with us.
This is delightfully dark, a beautiful take on the prompt. I particularly like the alliteration in the first stanza: stygian, stillness, stifling... it's very evocative.
It might be worth looking again at the last line in the second stanza: "ditty" doesn't seem to fit the tone of the poem. "Gritty" might work. Of course, it's your poem, and it reads very well just as it is.
I enjoyed reading this very much. Thanks for sharing it.
This is a lovely little fright-inducing horror, full of the sort of imagery that makes me want to pull the bedclothes up over my head.
I do think, though, that the child in the fourth stanza is unlikely to be rescued, as you put it. More likely he'll shiver all night in tears, poor thing.
That said, I reiterate that this is a very scary piece of verse, and that I enjoyed it tremendously. Thanks very much for sharing it!
Is this meant to be a graphic poem? It looks like you've got a pretty good prom dress going there, so kudos for that.
There are, however, a few places where the meter falters. At the end of the first stanza, for instance, I wonder why it doesn't read something like "And never saw his claws." It's your poem, of course, and it's quite expressive as it is, so perhaps I shouldn't quibble.
Especially since the concept of the poor mannequin waiting her turn for attention in some shop window harem will haunt me for a long, long time. Thanks for sharing this. It's great.
I like this a lot. The image is delightful, and the language is perfect to evoke it. I'd like to see a little more punctuation, but in a poem of this length it's certainly not a necessity.
I'm still grinning over these cautious snowflakes swirling around avoiding the slick. Thanks very much for making me smile.
This is a very interesting essay and a valid point, although I wonder if the stigma of "Special Ed" classes doesn't preclude their being used as a general remedy for students from an academically deprived background. I wonder what the statistics are on college graduation for Special Education students of any sex or ethnicity as opposed to the general population.
Anyway, it's a cool essay, albeit with some technical discrepencies. Thanks for making me think.
After reading the prologue and chapters 1& 2, I have only two questions:
1) Where's the rest of it?
and
2) When does the sci-fi channel version come out?
Seriously, you have a classic comic book story here, with characters believable within the genre and an engaging plot and setting. As I've said, I only wish you'd post more of it. This is great. Thanks very much for letting us see it.
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PS in Chapter 1, there's one place where you've got "peice" instead of "piece."
Nerves and communication don't mix; there's no doubt about it, and you've captured the freezing effect of a turning point in one's life with great precision. I love how the speaker retreats to the one thing she's sure of in this chaotic and unfamiliar situation: her love for this man.
Very, very well done.
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