This is lovely imagery, well written and beautifully expressed.
I think it would be just as effective, though, without the fanfic connection. All you'd really have to change would be the title, and then the poem would have a more universal applicability.
This is an interesting tale, with fascinating characters. Unfortunately it's very hard to follow.
The voice of your speaker is quite clear, here, but the archaicisms and the dialectical spelling are a little overdone. Even if you're a Scots speaker yourself, and the lack of -ch- sounds makes me doubt that, you're writing for a modern English speaking audience, and some of them will find this off-putting.
The formatting of the poem doesn't contribute to understanding, either. Something this long might best be divided into shorter units--stanzas or paragraphs, to aid the reader. Centering this many lines is also less than effective. The eye has to hunt for the beginning of each line.
You do have some wonderful lines here--"canty as a kitten," for one, but I think the poem as a whole needs work. If you do make any substantial changes, drop me an email. I'd love to read and re-review it.
Very cool, particularly the graphic. I love the imagery, and the character's reaction in the last stanza.
I do think, though, that the way you divide the words in the first paragraph is something of a distraction. Scre-e-eaminig and scre-e-eching might be alternates you could consider. In the last stanza, hiss-s-s-ing has something of the same effect. I suppose it could be hisssssing without any commas, if you liked.
Anyway, it's a lovely poem, and it'll be a while before I forget the image of those bats zipping around! Thanks for sharing it.
Does it count if you stick the monster in the printer and print the word-processed story LOL?
Very, very cool, and very scary. I am now heartily paranoid about all this paper lying around my study watching me type. Your tone and use of language are first-rate; they generate the atmosphere of an old-time horror movie in a modern setting. Your protagonist is charming, particularly in the negotiation scenes.
I do notice, though, that you don't demarcate your paragraphs. I'm assuming you originally wrote this in a program that inserted tabs at the beginning of paragraphs, and that WDC ate them. There is a check box when you create an item that will prevent it from doing this--I think it's called "preserve spacing." If you prefer, there's an alternate check box that will skip a line between paragraphs for you, if you're not a dinosaur like me who does it automatically.
ROFL. I've been in a few of those offices myself--why they persist in treating a part-time job as a career move....
Your characters are delicious, and each of them has a perfect voice. There are just enough details in your setting to make it real, and the tone of the piece is just right.
I did notice that you squeezed together one "never mind," but that may well be a description of the character's speech, so I won't take away your five-oh for that.
I realize that Charles's life is a study in futility, but I still wanted more to happen. I wanted him to walk out of that office and have an adventure, or maybe I just wanted to spend more time with him. That, however, is no bad thing. Thanks very much for sharing this.
You've managed to tell us a great deal about yourself, hopefully without violating your personal space too greatly, and I do feel that I know you a bit better for reading it. Kudos for managing to plug your own work without hitting us over the head with it.
Thanks for sharing this with us, and sympathies over WP leaving CSI--I liked the roller coaster thrillseeker as well.
The imagery here is out of this world, or maybe part of this world as we wish it were. Your rhyme and meter are well-executed, and the speaker's voice is dead-on. Three cheers for Christmas, nostalgia and grandma in her sleigh!
Thanks for sharing this, and for being a part of "Invalid Item"
Ooh, this gave me chills! In spite of the lightness of the rhyme scheme, it's still a very frightening poem.
It would make a wonderful novel, you know. what became of that cursed money, what effect it had on its recipient, and on your protagonist for being a part of the transaction. No wonder she's still worried.
Thanks for sharing this, and for being a part of "Invalid Item"
The voice of your protagonist is dead on. It brings on an atmosphere of nostalgia with the bitter aftertaste of bathtub gin and cordite. This is a lovely contribution to the genre, and I don't see a technical error anywhere. Thanks very much for sharing this with us.
This is an aspect of "trick or treating" that one rarely sees anymore. Usually it's just "go get some candy" with no retributive aspect at all. Thanks for bringing back the memory of what Halloween once was.
This is a highly original horror story--the blood-drenched atmosphere is no less effective for hte interstellar setting. I'm not particularly enamored of the echo; I almost feel that the poem would be stronger without it, but perhaps I just don't get where you're going with it.
But it's a wonderful piece, nevertheless. Thanks for sharing it.
This is a spectacular beginning. I love how it starts off almost in the objective viewpoint, and then gradually, over the course of several paragraphs, develops into a personality, and "I." I don't know that there's not room to do something with the three "would" paragraphs--put a line break between them, or just between the first and second and incorporate the third into the second, or something like that.
I do know that I know wand to read the rest of this, and I don't have time. Woe is me!
Great beginning! Now write the novel about the people who live in this world!
You've got a few incomplete sentences in here, and "sky scapers" where I suspect you mean "skyscrapers," but for a large work with an objective viewpoint, this is a first-rate introduction. Of course, I assume you'll introduce a character very quickly after this, because this is the perfect length for such a preface. Much more and we'd get bored quite quickly.
They say love is blind. Some people just can't see, and the antagonist of your poem seems to be one of them. She's a very realistic teenager, of course, and so are the narrator and the unseen "lover." The form of the piece is extremely effective, especially the refrain with it's twist of meaning. There's nothing about this that I would advise you to change. It's a perfect five-oh. Thanks very much for sharing it with us.
This is a delightful story full of wonderful characterization and a great deal of grammatical wisdom. I enjoyed it immensely. I hope it's serving its purpose.
As might be expected, given your profession, technical "errors" are few and far between in this. I spotted a couple of places where you left out the apostrophe from a possessive noun in quotes, but that actually makes sense. My only real comment is on this sentence:
Wait! “Is” loved to help words too.
For starters, Iszy liked to help verbs, right? And should the sentence not end with an exclamation mark?
But this is only one bump in a smoothly constructed road that's a delight to drive--read--you know what I mean Thanks for sharing it.
Very nice indeed! The story might benefit, prompt-wise, from a reference in the little one's tale to whence came those noises that led her bunny to abandon her to her fate, but otherwise it's a wonderful story with engaging characters and a very realistic setting. Thanks very much for sharing it.
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I like your vampire. He has an original attitude and a self-deluding streak to match. Your story has a good plot, an adequately detailed setting and good use of language, but what makes it spectacular is your insight into the vampire's psychology. One could almost believe we were talking about a real person.
What a tragic love story! Your protagonist is quite realistically drawn. One can understand her motivation perfectly, although the steadiness of it rather eliminates conflict. The story might work better from her lover's point of view, telling of his attempt to save her.
Or perhaps not. It's your story, and it's magnificent as is. Thanks for the great read.
Many years ago, I broke my neck in an automobile accident which also swelled my eyes closed. The experience of lying there unable to move wondering if help will come is perfectly captured in your beautifully chilling poem. Your imagery is perfect, your language is evocative, and your poor narrator certainly arouses enough sympathy to keep a reader's interest.
Thanks for sharing this. Don't change anything; it's perfect.
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This is adorable, particularly the internal story with its surprise ending. I'm not enamored of fanfic in general, but I think you gave these guys a pretty good go. The donkey's voice, in particular, is dead on, and both characters are, well, in character!
I enjoyed this very much. Thanks for posting it.
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This is utterly cool! I love the image of the fallen angel in the tenement and what he tells the children. It's so beautiful it brings tears.
I think it may fall apart a bit in the last stanza, most particularly the last two lines, but the rest of it is absolutely magical. Thanks very much for sharing it.
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Thanks for sharing it.
Did you mean to use the word "feathery" twice?