This is much better.
You do not have to say copyright, if you look at any story here, at the very bottom, the site does it for you. Your stuff is yours.
It is hard to know how much to reveal without giving too much away and when to do. This why they call writing a craft.
Here is something else for you consider:
Condense where you can. It helps with the flow of what you write.
Shey had been eleven the summer that she had first ventured into the woods behind the house after dark.
Shey had been eleven the summer she first ventured into the woods behind the house after dark.
Or
Shey was eleven the summer she had first ventured into the woods behind the house after dark.
When someone says, and the will, "This needs tightened up," is what they mean.
I know it seems like I am spending a lot of time at the opening, but if you do not get your reader here, you may never.
Consider a flip.
Jeanne had seen the light first, coming from just inside of the tree line. It flicked and danced in and around the young saplings at the outermost edge of the wood.
Think about this as your opening.
As for the other two lines, all they do is convey information. This is fine once in awhile. There are two reason I say cut those other lines.
You will also hear, "You are telling and showing." and "A story needs to character drive."
These lines only tell us information and do not show it. AND. This is not character driven, which means the reasons for anything happening is shown to be by a character.
Also the other thing you should try and is something I call, connective writing. From the opening paragraph to the second, you need something. You need something that leads you from one to the other.
I cannot tell how long it took me to figure these three things out, but when I did, my writing really improved. AND THE REAL TRICK... is knowing when to do each of these things and when to not. That is partially listening to reviews, (another trick all on it is own--when and what to listen to) and trying things out.
Reviewing others work is also something you should do. Not so much for THEM, but for you. Find stories that have several reviews that are high, or have placed in contest with several stories to pick from and see what you like and try and figure out WHY. Plus it is always easier to see things in others stories that we are not able to see in our own.
Back to your story:
Shey’s father had built a tree house back there for her and her little sister late in the fall of the previous year.
I think you could cut this all together. Not that it is bad, you just do not really need it. It has no real pay off. What "pay off" means, is it something that you need to know latter on in the story.
And, when you read the paragraph, it reads fine without it.
The girls spent countless hours playing in the crooked shack.
You say girls, when you should say sisters. WHY? because in the paragraph before, you give a whole list of girls.
Their father’s only rule had been no going into the woods after dark.
Their father’s only rule, no going into the woods after dark.
As soon as dusk trickled across the sky they were to be in the yard.
GREAT LINE!
They were allowed to stay out a while longer in the backyard but were always strictly mindful of their father’s steadfast rule.
I do not think you need this line either.
The rest of the paragraph is good.
Shey remembered a haunting look of nervousness on her father’s face before stepping into the trees.
A haunting look of nervousness hung on her father’s face before he stepped into the trees.
After pulling Sheila from the woods he practically ran out of his own skin trying to make the line.
I think this is a little confusing.
He practically ran out of his own skin trying to make the tree line.
Once clear of the trees, he collapsed to the ground sobbing.
Once clear, he collapsed to the ground sobbing.
I think the rest of the paragraph is fine.
Over the years several of his brothers and sisters had moved on. Two of his older brothers had passed away at young ages. Eventually their parents passed on and he found himself the sole occupant and owner of the century old house.
I do not think you need this. Also, when some says, this needs tightening up, what they can also mean is removing information that is not need. It great you know it, and you will be surprised at how much of what you know and do not way will come across.
He had married their mother in the spring of 1961 and the next year Shey was born.
He married their mother in the spring of 1961 and the next year Shey was born.
Their father had never told them what had happened to her, what had happened to the two older brothers he could now only scarcely remember.
Their father never told them what happened to her, what had happened to the two {{his}} older brothers he could now only scarcely remember.
Why would the memory of their father's fear be a reason for her to into the woods? For me, this is not a very good motive. The better motive is the lights.
Where the group of girls go out is all telling. Use some dialog and description here. This will breathe some more life into your story.
After reading this again, I see why you had recall her father's spankings. This will work better if you say something like, "The memory of .... came rushing back."
The faint giggles of what sounded like a group of young girls materialized eerily from within the wood.
I do not think "materialized" is quite the right word here.
The sound curved and wove through the trees like a heavy fog.
The sound wove through the trees like a heavy fog.
By the time any of them noticed Carol was missing, they were deep enough into the woods that they could no longer see out onto the back lawn.
You need to SHOW this.
They could still hear the giggling of the young voices in and around the trees, sometimes sounding as if it were right beside them.
The giggling sometimes sounded as if it were right beside them.
Dark clouds shifted slowly across the night sky, blocking the moon’s light from the forest below.
GOOD LINE!
Complete blackness surrounded them. Before the clouds had moved in they were able to see somewhat by the silvery light of the moon, now they were blind.
Cut: Complete blackness surrounded them.
“Help me!” It was Carol’s voice, she was screaming in agony.
“Help me!” Carol’s voice screamed in agony.
“Carol, oh my God!” They screamed, “Where are you? Carol!”
“Carol, oh my God! Where are you? Carol!”
Shey’s father grabbed her arm and she screamed.
This would be more affective if you did not say it was her father but show us what was happening and then reveal it was her father.
“Its me honey, where are your friends? Girls!”
"It's
“Stay close and follow me now.” Shey’s father had said, “Hold each other’s hands so you don’t get separated.”
“Stay close and follow me now," Shey’s father said, “Hold each other’s hands so you don’t get separated.”
“You have to find them daddy!” Shey screamed at her father. “We can’t leave them out there!” she bellowed. Her father walked to the door and secured the lock. He then lowered a heavy wooden brace across the door. He ignored the girl’s hysterics, ignored their pleas to help their friends. He just sat there, staring out from the door into the pitch black tree line at the edge of the lawn, a blank look drawn across his face.
“You have to find them Daddy! We can’t leave them out there!” she bellowed.
Her father walked to the door and secured the lock; then lowered a heavy wooden brace across the door. He ignored the girl’s hysterics, ignored their pleas to help their friends. He just sat there, staring out from the door into the pitch black tree line at the edge of the lawn, a blank look drawn across his face.
You need to give a reason why there is no fence, and why they stayed on the land as long as they had and why she brought her little girl to the house after all that had happened.
You also need to show us the last paragraph, otherwise it has little impact of the whole story. There again you are telling and not showing.
I hope you found this helpful and keep at it. A great story is there. And remember to take heart, writing is liquid and you can change what ever you want.
Alice
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