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101
101
Review of Mourning  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Welcome to Writing.com. I hope the site comes to mean as much to you as it has to me.

Please keep in mind your poem is yours and nothing anyone says can change that. You can ignore everything anyone says to you. We all write for a different point of views, reasons, and much more.

Please ask if something is unclear.


The title is okay. One word titles are tough. You may wish to try and see if you can make this a little more special .

The tag line is good.

The rating of E fits the poem.

The genre selections are spot on.

The formatting looks good.



It was hung by the fireplace, as usual, with care.

I wonder if you do not need to have this line as a break, since to breaks the rhyme and candace and flow of the poem?

Also, you should move the comma over.

You should not use two exclamation points. One is enough.




your smile, your laughter, your loving touch.

Your



All of us wondering, searching for why,

why.



drowning in oceans of tears we have cried.

Drowning


This follow the theme all the way through.

Most of this has good cadence and rhyme scheme.





Alice
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102
102
Review of What happens?  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Here is your review.




Welcome to Writing.com. I hope the site comes to mean as much to you as it has to me.

Please keep in mind your poem is yours and nothing anyone says can change that. You can ignore everything anyone says to you. We all write for a different point of views, reasons, and much more.

Please ask if something is unclear.


What happens?

Happens?

Poem I wrote a few years ago.

The tag line is okay.

The rating of E, seems good.

The formatting looks good.

You should think about change the serene listing to something other than "other".

I found no errors in the way of spelling or grammar.

The theme of the poem is consitenct.

The rhyme scheme and cadence are great.




Alice
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103
103
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (3.5)
And remember,
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Thank you for entering The New Newbie Contest.
Here is your review.




Welcome to Writing.com. I hope the site comes to mean as much to you as it has to me.

Please keep in mind your poem is yours and nothing anyone says can change that. You can ignore everything anyone says to you. We all write for a different point of views, reasons, and much more.

Please ask if something is unclear.


Congratulations on the ribbon. Aren't they nice!

I like the title.

The formatting looks good.

The tag line fits, as well as the rating of E.

The genres you have selected fit the poem well.




Flowing hair like springtime rain

To me, this line contradicts itself. Although I know it is not literal, I still do not see how wet hair flows.


Eyes with the softest loving gaze

softest,



My heart pounding like a hammer

You can pound on something with a hammer, but a hammer does not pound.



When I see you I cannot breathe

you,


When I hear your voice I cannot think

voice,


To press them hard against mine

Did you mean to imply that you pressing into daydreams?

The way you talk the way you move

way,


I am forever madly in love with you

forever,


Not a bad poem, but could use just touch more polish.


Alice
104
104
Review of Transcend  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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Please know you do not have make any changes. Please keep in mind I will read everything again after the close of this round. My rating may change at that time.


My word count says 545 words. The limit is 500. If you do not trim this down, I cannot consider for the prize.


As I lay on the forest floor, I find my eyes riveted in annoyance on the trees above me.

I would remove: "in annoyance on " and change to "by".

It flows poorly.

Over all this is nicely written.

Thank you for entering and I do hope to see you again.


Alice
105
105
Review of Grandma's Photo  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (3.5)
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Do not feel you have to do anything I suggest. It is your story. I will read everything again after the close of the contest and my rating could change.




The italics going is because you need [/i} where you want it to stop.


James didn’t get it.

I do not think you need this.



He heard daddy whisper in mommy’s ear as they stepped out of the carriage, walking towards the house, “That stupid hag. You know what she said days before she died?”

Daddy

Mommy's



“You’ll never have my money”.

money."


You want to take one, James?”, said Mommy.

James?" said


James held his head high, “No, of course not”

not."



“Everything’s set, James”, said Daddy. “Just pull the lever”

James."

lever."



“Hurry up, James”, said Mommy.

James,"

“The photo will form in a moment”, he said.

moment,"

Just wait here while I get something”.

something."




Where’s Grandma? , thought James.

No comma needed.


He was there when he took the photos. He was there when they buried Grandma!

Who is "He"?



“Mommy!”, he screamed.

No comma needed.



He heard mommy and daddy outside the photo room.

Mommy

Daddy


I like the colorless ending but think about switching it up. Grammy is a given. What about going into what happened to the parents. Or even the child.


Over small errors.


I'll read you soon.

Alice
106
106
Review of Red Wood  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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“Damn kids”, I mutter under my breath as I explode from the back door.

kids,"

Of course, being well into my thirties, my stamina runs low long before that of the young boys, and I have to stop to catch my breath.

This would be stronger if you were to remove: "Of course."


But still, they sounded so real.

I think this would be made stronger if you were to remove: "But."


Not only that but they had a sadness to them; like a desperate cry for help from some place way off in the distance.

Again I feel this would be made stronger if you were to remove: "Not only that but."

Looking closer, I realized to my disgust what was gathered around my feet; spiders!

feet--spiders!


But yet no movement? I

I would remove: "but."


I crouch down to get a closer look, realizing immediately that the tree is surrounded by dead spiders.

I crouch down to get a closer look, realizing immediately that dead spiders surround the tree.


Part two seems like a huge jump.


“I’m sorry darling,” I say, “but I’m just not feeling very hungry right now”.

now."



I would cut the the glass breaking and chasing the boys. Why? I realize that is the reason he goes into the woods to find the tree and spiders, but because they do not come back into play, remove them. Have taking a walk after seeing a spider.


The cuts I listed were meant to make this stronger.

Please do not be discouraged. I will read it again and my rating could change. With some more work, this will be a nice creepy read.


Alice
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107
107
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello to you,

Here is your review. I hope you find it helpful.




I think this would be made easier if you were to place a line of space in-between each paragraph.

TItle is not bad.



"This has to be a joke," Emma thought to herself as she followed warily behind him.

No quotation marks: Use italics instead. This has to be a joke,


"He's been dared or something" She scowled accusingly at the the crowd of faces leading to the dance floor but no one was even looking at her.

something."

at the crowd


"Then again", she reasoned,"it IS the last song of the night. Don't they write romantic songs just for this dance?"

again,"

reasoned, "it is


She felt his hands pull her in at the waist and immediately started sweating. Her heart was pounding in her ears; her knees wobbled and she wondered how she could possibly be expected to move.

I think you should use a name here.


"Whaddo I do now?, she wondered. "Should I say something?"

Whaddo I do now? she



"Oh there's B.O Steve-O...that's what stinks. Phew"

Phew."


"Are you okay?", he asked looking down at her.

okay?" he


"Oh yea man, I'm totally cool", she said as nonchalantly as she could.

cool,"


"Did I just say totally cool? God, I'm such a loser"

loser."


"Cool dance huh?", she said. Oh shut-up Emma!

huh?" she


"WHAT?"he leaned his ear closer.

"What?" he


"I SAID, COOL DANCE HUH?"

You should not use all capitals to express your emotions. You should show it in other ways.


Emma couldn't think of anything else to say and was starting to think her breathe reeked anyway.

breath


Some had their faces buried comfortably in their partner's necks (they were the ones going steady, of course); some towered over the boys they were dancing with; some looked so disgusted she wondered why they had agreed to the dance in the first place.

No parentheses.


"Sure Emma, I'll see ya 'round...hopefully soon", he said.

soon," he


Before Emma could digest what he'd said "wait-what was that... a compliment?", his friends started hooting for him from across the gym to hurry up.

said, "Wait. What

compliment?" his


"How was it?" "Oh my God, what'd he say to you?" " Was it totally dreamy?" "Oh Em, you're so lucky!"

"How was it?"

"Oh my God, what'd he say to you?"

"Was it totally dreamy?"

"Oh Em, you're so lucky!"


The story itself was good, it just needs a bit of polishing.


Alice
108
108
Review of My Trusty iPod  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Your tale has been awardedHonorable Mention in the round of July 2009.


Your award of 1250 gift points is included.

I hope to see you in the next round.




As always,

Alice
109
109
Review of My Trusty iPod  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for your entry.
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Here is your long waited review.{/c]




I wonder if the title does not give the ending away? Also: http://www.apple.com/itunes/ It is iPod


I think you could make a stronger opening than the dialog. Not that it is bed, but it would be nice to see who is speaking.


Hailey tapped her foot waiting for the Light Board Operator's assistant to find the required control button.

light board operator's

light boards operator



I think calling the band "The Sirens" is a tad to obvious. Maybe change to a name of a siren?




The stage Hailey was standing on darkened to a tropical red and she called out, "This is the one!

Hailey stood on


She felt remorseful, "I'm done!

remorseful.

I think she should thank him.


Hailey gathered her microphone and water bottle, and made sure her Ipod was off.

microphone, water

iPod


The band had gone hours ago, so she'd practiced acapella, listening to the songs from the Ipod's ear buds.

A cappella

iPod


Maybe this is the wrong room.

room?


Sure enough. There was a big gold star on the door.

enough, there




I liked how you had the boys speak.


As Hailey wondered What the heck was that? she was shouldered aside by the boys.

wondered,



Ugly wet things protruded; things Hailey had never seen before and hoped never to see again.

Good.




Denny snorted, "Not yer phone. Don'tcha know where that manager guy is?

snorted.


One look at her blank face and Denny turned away.

looked

faced


"Ok. Come on."

"Ok

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Okay

"OK


The arena only sat two thousand and was in a fairground that only saw large crowds in the summer during the County Fair.

county fair.



"Well, what in tarnation? Is somebody stupid?" They both looked at her. Offended she said, "I didn't lock it! I don't know anything about it!"

"Well, what in tarnation? Is somebody stupid?" They both looked at her.

Offended she said, "I didn't lock it! I don't know anything about it!"


As they neared the fire exit, they could see it was locked, too.

As they neared the fire exit, they could see it was locked, too.



"Mr. Kerr," Hailey ran up on the stage. "I'm so glad- You can't believe-" her jumbled sentences stopped short as she realized that there was no body next to him on the stage. The two boys ran up behind her. Everybody spoke at once.

Good.



"Boys! I've been looking for you. The Sirens are waiting." He extended one index finger straight up. "They're on the roof for their annual celebration." His eyes burned with a strange light and he gave them a toothy grin. "They're just going to eat-" his inhuman eyes glittered yellow.

You-" his fingers were turning into great talons.

"Boys! I've been looking for you. The Sirens are waiting." He extended one index finger straight up. "They're on the roof for their annual celebration." His eyes burned with a strange light and he gave them a toothy grin. "They're just going to eat," his inhuman eyes glittered yellow. "you-" his fingers were turning into great talons.

I've got to ask, why would he do that there? Why would he say something like, "We've to get out of here. If we go to the roof, we can out by the fire escape."

He yelled to Bobby, "Get that cart!."

cart!"


Adrenalin whipped Hailey's brain into a frenzy.

Good line.


"Quick! In here," she cried.

I think you should use her name here.




"Shhh!" shushed Hailey.

"shushed" I think you could make a better choice.



Above their panting, they heard a creak and a shuffling sound.

I think you should clarify who "their" is.


Slow, erratic footsteps approached the bird cage flat.

birdcage


It didn't come from below, it seemed to come from all around.

below;


She saw the anchor on the elevator rise up and then only the black floor as the monster tackled her to the ground.

raised

Where this sentence comes is really heavy with the "she".


"I brought bolt cutters," lifting them into view.

cutters." She lifted them into view.


The Siren fell to the ground, the other two choked off their cries, and looked at Hailey with scorching hatred.

siren

cries:





Her most fervent thought, as they roared out of the fairgrounds, was that she was soooo glad that her mom had bought her an Ipod for Christmas.

so

iPod



One thing is for sure, you can write action.



Over all a fun read.


Alice
110
110
Review of Two by Two  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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The title is good.

Interesting opening.


Then it took the world, drawed and quartered it by every corner until it wasn't anything but dust and people.

draw and quartered




It seems to that some of the information is repeated:
They do, lock you until death. The Parasite at least. See, the Disease takes a person, makes them a Parasite, and the first person they come in contact with, six feet contact with, they bond to, never separate from.



We been taught, those of us who were born here, and they say its like when we're holding something and want to throw it, or when we see the rations and want to eat it all, though we know we got to share.

We been taught, those of us who were born here, that it’s when we're holding something and want to throw it, or when we see the rations and want to eat it all, though we know we got to share.

But we ain't even seen rations for a while.

We ain't even seen rations for a while.


Most of all here in the shelter we been taught the Diseased are dangerous.

Most of all, here in the shelter, we been taught the Diseased are dangerous.


That they could still live normally, want normally.

That they could still live normal and want normal.

That they still breathe, eat, love, run, fuck, drink, dream, cry, think, walk and sleep; they just do all that along with the impulses of the Host.

That they still breathe, eat, love, run, fuck, drink, dream, cry, think, walk and sleep; they just do all that along with the Host.



But those founders of our little shelter that tried to spread that were made example of by the other founders, the ones who said the Diseased are animals.

were animals.


Now the ones who said they were human are just more rumors. I’m not even sure they existed. Just rumors of dust.

This needs to go in the front of the paragraph.

Rumors say that some founders said the Diseased were human. I’m not even sure they existed. Just rumors of dust.

A couple of people tried to pass on somethin’ different. That the Diseased still felt human. They could still live normal and want normal. That they still breathed, ate, loved, ran, fucked, drank, dreamed, cried, thought, walked and sleep; they just do all that along with the impulses of the Host.

They say the founders that said that were made an example of by the other founders; the ones who said the Diseased were animals.



I say them because I don't intend on ever becomin' one of 'em -

them,


Never break from 'em until the Parasite is cured and the only way to cure 'em is to kill 'em.

are cured


Stray dogs and deer, anything that wanders by.

Wild dogs

But it just consumes the Host/new-Parasite, if its alone and never finds a parasite, slowly breaking down the body from the inside/

it's


But if a clean person goes out and drags the bodies in, and we don't know if the Disease survived or not, well it could jump inside when its safe, and then it would take us all.

it's


A child no more than ten - humans are still being born, we have to realize this, maybe there’s survival - his body bare and rough, his ungainly fuzzy carrot legs sprinting, his arms in tandem with a woman by his left hand/her right: they ran toward us like fire.

tandem? Sounds to sophisticated.




He put his hand into the hat.

He who?



It'd been twelve days since we'd last eaten.

This seem much to long to go without food and still fight.



What was keeping us from becoming one of them.

them?


Even though I thought sometimes.

This seems to be missing something.



I looked to Julianna, her eyes empty moons.
The moons became suns.
Great lines.


The last 1200 words the story really took off. It felt smother some how.

Some of your formatting is off.

The past tense seems to bounce around.

The first half sound like an educated boy but the second half for no reason is more refined.


This is great, but the problems need to worked out.

Alice
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111
111
Review of I'm With You  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Thank you for entering The New Newbie Contest.
Here is your review.




Welcome to Writing.com. I hope the site comes to mean as much to you as it has to me.

Please keep in mind your poem is yours and nothing anyone says can change that. You can ignore everything anyone says to you. We all write for a different point of views, reasons, and much more.

Please ask if something is unclear.


Good title.

The formatting looks spot on.

I found no errors in the spelling and or grammar.

I think this is something that a lot of people will be able to feel.

The tag line is fitting, along with the rating of E.

The genres you selected are well chosen.

I liked this line the best: So smile like you’ve stolen the brilliant stars
Very nice imagery.







Alice
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112
112
Review of WhiteOut  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
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The title is not bad.

The formatting looks great.

The cell phone lay open by his head.

Not the most advantageous of opening lines.


Merciless gravity jammed his cheek down against the bitter cold roof. The rest of his body was hung up by the steering wheel and tangled in his seat belt. Clearly, his neck was broken.

I think you say it was a car reck right from the get go. I do not want to wonder. I want to see.



She tried not to look at his face, but she could not tear her eyes away. Blood poured from his nose and pooled against his cheek.

Give her a name. Any name helps a reader connect to a character and see it. It helps me care what happens.





She clawed her way in through the smashed passenger window toward the cell phone. Digging her knees into the thin layer of snow that blanketed the road, closer and closer with each second, her nearly frozen hands pulled her aching body along the roof of the vehicle. She felt some of the jagged teeth of glass from the opening bite into her skin through the thigh of her jeans, but she knew that she could not stop to inspect her wound.

Was she out side of the car, bus, RV, jeep, or whatever it is?


The girls watched the rear lights of the Jacob’s Ford Explorer through the blowing snow as they followed in Cara’s minivan. The twists and turns of Bedford road, along with the frequent gusts of white-out snow, made visibility difficult unless they stayed close.

You need a transition marker before this paragraph.




“Don’t think snowflakes should sizzle when they hit the glass.”

Good line.


Other incredibly mean thoughts swirled in Cara’s brain some more, but her cell phone went off before she could unleash them. “Hey Jake.”

I think this would be stronger if you were to cut: " some more".


Becky smiled as if the call was right on cue. She pulled the back of her chubby hand up to her mouth and pretended to make-out with it noisily, a pantomime they had played on each other since fifth grade.

Good.


“Ok, in a few minutes we’ll pass through Bedford.

"OK,

"Okay,


Cara felt like saying, “Well why are WE then?”

Cara felt like saying, “Well why are we then?”



Becky clamped her hand over her mouth to muffle her laughter, only half succeeding.

Good.



“Ok, Ok, ladies.

"Okay, okay



“I LOVE YOU CARA!” Becky sang.

"I love you Cara!"



He called us “ladies”, didn’t he?”

us 'ladies,'


That you have so much, but . . . nevermind.

never mind.



“It’s just like this trip. . . . You see?”

trip . . .


Taillights, street lights, lit up business signs.

streetlights,


“Oh my god. Thought,” she breathed, “ I was gonna die.

God.


Why is the bear attacking? Normally bears attack for food. It is a really odd bear that out just go over and attack.

Cara’s chest rose and fell rapidly to the point of near hyper ventilation.

hyperventilation.


“He looking . . .at . . .us?” Becky managed to gain a little more control.

He's



“Oh, god. Are you ok?” Jacob asked through the phone.

God,

okay?"



“A shotgun? Jacob, I . .”

I . . ."


His voice intensified, "Do you remember!.”

remember!"



“Can’t move my . .my arms,” he paused.

my . . . my



“I will go get help” was all she could think to say.

help,"


The plot works well and the ending worked.


Thank you for your tale.

Alice
113
113
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
And remember,
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Here is your review.




Welcome to Writing.com. I hope the site comes to mean as much to you as it has to me.

Please keep in mind your poem is yours and nothing anyone says can change that. You can ignore everything anyone says to you. We all write for a different point of views, reasons, and much more.

Please ask if something is unclear.




A bunch of little sparrows in my balcony have taught me a lot about life, about nature, about love.

nature;


I have watched with great interest this couple of sparrows make and set up their little home.

made and



But they did it with great care and effort!!

effort!

There is never a need for the use of more than one exclamation mark.




Then,when apparently the eggs had been laid (the nest was at a height, so I had to really climb up on a stool to get a glimpse of the interiors) the sparrows kept a close vigil.

Then, when

laid, the

interiors, the



But they perhaps got used to our presence .

I think this would read better if you removed the conjunction.

presence.




Finally, when the eggs hatched, we could hear them chirp from early morning to evening. and their parents were REALLLY BUSY.


evening, and

really busy.

You should not capitalize whole words.



I wonder where these tiny birds get all the energy from.... such efforts, so much love, so much caring...I put some crumbs of food for them on the balcony sill to make their task easier.

birds got

from...such


Guess what? Everyday, at regular intervals, they sat at that spot and created a ruckus till we put some food there....I never knew sparrows are so intelligent/ sensitive..but this did not stop their trips for food ...they were at it the whole day..... and guarded the nest very fiercely....

Ellipse always come in three dots, unless it is the end of a full sentence.

I think this would read better if you were to remove some of the ellipses.




In spite of all this love, care and affection they show for their young ones, once the baby sparrows are old enough to fly, their parents don't look back or hover around them or control them or show any concern...but I have seen entire groups of sparrows gather to maybe show solidarity, if a sparrow is hurt or dies.

You are mixing your tense.

showed

sparrows were

didn't

showed any

but I had sparrow was

or died.

Here too, you could pull back on the ellipses.




Maybe this is a perfect example of Detachment.

this was


They truly show genuine love and care as long as their loved ones need it,.( And they don't even expect anything in return).. then there is no bondage.. no holding back perhaps, but being there when they need support.

showed

it. The did not

return.

There was no

needed

You should not place prose in brackets.



The sparrows I was watching also had to deal with a dead baby sparrow.

I watched


They then discarded their old nest, and set out to make a new one...with the same enthusiasm and vigour!!...and started their family again.

one, with

vigor! They started


I liked the title.

The formatting was good.

The tag line you used was right.

The rating of E is well chosen.

The genres in which you listed your tale were right.


I think with a little more polish this will be a very nice little read.


Alice
114
114
Review of Rapunzel's Escape  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Congratulations on the fine win.

I like the title. I am a sucker for new versions of fairy tales.

Great opening.

The formatting is spot on.

“Let us leave at once,” Rapunzel whispered, glancing around as if Dame Gothel would step out with an "aha! I've got you now!". “I do not wish to be caught by Dame Gothel. In a few hours, she will be back. We must make haste.” She stopped abruptly. “But before we leave, we must destroy the ladder.”

an: "Aha! I've got you now!" and “I do not wish to be caught by Dame Gothel. In a few hours, she will be back. We must make haste.”


Don’t ask me “in what way”!

me, "In what way!"


“She’s beautiful, is she not?” “Just simply marvellous!” “And so gentle and kind, I heard.” Rapunzel’s father guided her up the steep steps to where the Priest stood waiting, pride filling his chest until it almost burst his shirt buttons. I know, young ones, I know.

“She’s beautiful, is she not?” and “Just simply marvelous!”and "So gentle and kind, I heard.”


She persisted gleefully, despite the terrible bleeding, knowing the more she revealed, the greater the destruction.

revealed;


DId the little ones ever get to hear the end of the story. I know you told the to have their ears covered, but I missed where you said it was okay for them to listen again. I am sorry if I did.


She persisted gleefully, despite the terrible bleeding, knowing the more she revealed, the greater the destruction.

revealed;


Then. “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” The entire city shook with her agonized cries that seemed only to fade after a long long while.


Then,

When the Prince set the tower on fire, Dame Gothel felt slightly upset (after all, she'd lived with Rapunzel for such a long time and was bound to feel a little for her), but not enough to put the fire out to save Rapunzel.

upset. After

her, but

Oh they unplugged their ears at the end of the story. Boy they were good about having their ears plugged for so long.


I thought this a nice take on the traditional fairy tale. I've been wanting to read it for so long. But I made myself wait until it was your turn in the contest.

Alice
115
115
Review of Wilting Poppies  
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello,


Poor little story. No one has read. Don't you worry. I'll read you.




I like the title.

Formatting looks good.

The opening paragraph does its job. It sets up the story to come.



Vivid images would fabricate and crumple when walls slammed down.

I think this is a little unclear. What triggers the walls?



I think it is a bit that both have nausea.



“Sir, we understand, but you have to know your options.”

I think you should should show us who is saying this.


A prisoner in her own mind, she yearned to escape.She needed him to be strong.

You need a space between these two sentences.


Yet here he was, Kleenex in hand with snot all over his face - typical, when his daughter needed him, he was blubbering like a sook. Manly indeed

I am saying you should change this "sook" but I have not come across this word before.

Manly indeed

This needs something.



She was the man of the house.

I not sure about this. Please clarify.




I feel you start too many sentences with the pronoun, "She". This is a little repetitive and at times a bit unclear.



I think the last line needs more. It does not have as much impact as it could.

I think this could use a bit of description.




Alice
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116
116
Review of Fool in the Rain  
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)


Hello,

I am thinking of writing more poetry. I think it best to try something small first and go from there. I found the, Bite Size Poetry Contest, and I thought I should do some reading to gear up for it.

The last word of your title should be capitalized.

You have good cadence and rhyme in your poem.

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117
117
Review of Passion  
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)


Hello,

I am thinking of writing more poetry. I think it best to try something small first and go from there. I found the, Bite Size Poetry Contest, and I thought I should do some reading to gear up for it.


I thought each word was selected carefully and strung together made for a lovely thing.

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118
118
Review of A HEART'S DESIRE!  
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)


Hello,

I am thinking of writing more poetry. I think it best to try something small first and go from there. I found the, Bite Size Poetry Contest, and I thought I should do some reading to gear up for it.

Short and sweet.

The cadence and the rhyme scheme of the poem worked well.

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119
119
Review of Lunar Beauty  
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

I am thinking of writing more poetry. I think it best to try something small first and go from there. I found the, Bite Size Poetry Contest, and I thought I should do some reading to gear up for it.

I was really taken with the cadence and the rhyme scheme of this poem.

What an interesting idea for a poem.

Alice
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120
120
Review of Moon Sees  
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello,

I am thinking of writing more poetry. I think it best to try something small first and go from there. I found the, Bite Size Poetry Contest, and I thought I should do some reading to gear up for it.

I think presentation of the poem is lovely.

I am sure the theme of the poem is one that many will understand.

This is a nice poem, but not one that I carry with me.

Alice
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121
121
Review of Under Celine  
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello,

I am thinking of writing more poetry. I think it best to try something small first and go from there. I found the, Bite Size Poetry Contest, and I thought I should do some reading to gear up for it.

I really like the idea of this poem. Some how it does not work as well as would have hoped but still not bad.



Alice
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122
122
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
And remember,
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Thank you for entering The New Newbie Contest.
Here is your review.


I like the title. However it should appear: Don't Wanna be Like Mike

The tag line is repetitive and could be changed to show something more than what the title tells us.

I think the rating is of 13 is a little high but not overly so.

You should consider added to your genre listing. Perhaps: Comedy and Friendship.



Welcome to Writing.com. I hope the site comes to mean as much to you as it has to me.

Please keep in mind your poem is yours and nothing anyone says can change that. You can ignore everything anyone says to you. We all write for a different point of views, reasons, and much more.

Please ask if something is unclear.




I wished I could tell you this is fiction, but no.

Please consider removing: ",but no." The reason is you do not need it.


This tragedy really happened during an afternoon in high school.

"tragedy" might be a bit over the top.


Hey wait, I can’t spoil the ending already.

This seems really light hearted, which is fine, but odd sense you just said it was a tragedy.



The bell jingled, signifying the end of class.

To me "jingled" is not quite the right word. "Jingle" brings to mind light small happy bells. In no school I ever attended was this so. They whaled, blared., etc.


When I reached the court, I found him shooting at a hoop. For anonymity’s sake, let’s name him Robert.

I think this should be its own paragraph.

Guy put on his best gangster voice. “What’s going down, bro?”

voice,


“Dude, will you shut up?” Guy raised his rude finger.

Very well put.

Guy spotted a bench sitting near the sideline.

Objects cannot "sit."

Guy spotted a bench near the sideline.


The vast majority of this is nicely written. It has good personality.



Alice
123
123
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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The Curiosity Shop

Your tale has been awarded honorable mention. I hope to see you in the next round.


Thank you.


Alice
124
124
Review of John's Jar  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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The Curiosity Shop

Your tale has been awarded honorable mention. I hope to see you in the next round.


Thank you.


Alice
125
125
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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Thank you for entering.
Here is your review.


Approaching the bridge, Lenin could now see that it was not made from wood, stone or even metal. Instead, the structure was entirely organic, gently pulsing with life, occasionally twitching, as though under its umber surface throbbed veins and arteries, warm, thick blood coursing through them, keeping the thing alive.

FYI: wood is organic.


He almost didn’t want to cross the thing, it feeling as though it were an animal he were standing before rather than a bridge, but there seemed to be no other way around the chasm.

I would recommend a small cut: "almost".

Change "feeling" to "felt"

Change "were" to "was"

Change "standing" to "stood"



Lenin peered over the chasm, warm air seeping over his face as though there were a hungry giant lying in its bottomless depths, giving itself away with its breath as it waited for him to cross the bridge so it could eat.

air seeped


There was another thump of great weight in the distance.

Some of this could be tightened up some.


Lenin, aware that he would have to be in shelter by darkness, approached the bridge, a single step from mounting it, and gazed across its fleshy surface.

This is off: "and gazed across its fleshy surface."



Looking ahead, Lenin could see that there were more of these pulsing masses spread across the fleshy structure's length..

length.



The meagre farmyard was swarming with The Congregation, at least fifteen of them, floating steadily on the spot as though listening for a victim, waiting for one.

farmyard swarmed


The end of the bridge drew closer, larger, attainable.

larger;


He turned to it and noticed a set of parallel vents like gills, rhythmically opening and closing slightly like content eyelids, each opening releasing a not unpleasant odour with each breath.

gills;



I would have liked less flashbacks so that the bridge story line would been more prominent.


I also detected a little Lovecraft. For me, would liked some direct connection to Lovecraft.


Alice
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