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126
126
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
And remember,
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Thank you for entering The New Newbie Contest.
Here is your review.




Welcome to Writing.com. I hope the site comes to mean as much to you as it has to me.

Please keep in mind your poem is yours and nothing anyone says can change that. You can ignore everything anyone says to you. We all write for a different point of views, reasons, and much more.

Please ask if something is unclear.


I like the title.

The tag line is tells us what to expect. Good.

The rating of 13 is appropriate.

The genre listing of other should changed. Consider: Music,



We only watched people go by sitting on the river, our bodies limp from dancing the night before and roasting in the morning sun.

This needs to more clear. Please consider:

We sat by the river and watched people go by. Our bodies limp from dancing the night before and roasting in the morning sun.



The cliff was no taller than a man if he was standing on the water, but it was the place to go because of the deeper pool of dark green, cool water that lay beneath it signaling a place to plunge.

The cliff, no taller than a man if he stood on the water; the deep pool of dark green, cool water that lay beneath it signaling a place to plunge.



Her breasts were bare, like many of the women in the camp, but two handprints made of paint were smattered on her pink, pale skin that took the place of a bathing suit top.

Her breasts were bare, like many of the women in the camp, were smattered by two handprints made of paint.



When she emerged after a long awaited, anticipatory period, her paint had lost some of its luster.

When she emerged after a long awaited, her paint had lost some of its luster.


The blue and black and red ran down her slightly overweight stomach, like mascara from weeping eyes.

Good.


Her pink, red pupils now showed themselves to the spectators, her obliviousness making it much more appealing.

Her pink nipples now shown, her obliviousness making it much more appealing.


Need some cash for that pizza bread they got on shakedown street and ice.”

Shakedown Street

Most declined to the smiling portrait of the strummer looking to the sky for inspiration.

Most declined the smiling portrait.


He was wearing a pony-tail with an orange tie that accentuated his long black hair.

He wore


His chin held a goatee, his skin was a yellow-tan, and his eyes, a slight slant that was mirrored in his son’s.

His chin held a goatee: his skin a yellow-tan, and his eyes, a slight slant that was mirrored in his son’s.


The mother’s long red hair flowed down her shoulders splitting between her chest and back.

The mother’s long red hair flowed down her shoulders split between her chest and back.


This was an attempt to pass the day in a cool spot while eluding the boredom, until the late night concerts started.

An attempt to pass the day in a cool spot while eluding the boredom, until the late night concerts started.




Flat rocks stood on top of each other, a monument to their pagan god.

Great line.



The other hands grasped each other, fingers interlocking and creating a turtle shell with eight lateral plates.

other;

Like the sun and the moon they danced around the earth.

Earth.

Great line.


Their child was in between them in his mother’s womb.

between,



This was the first time all three of them would dance, but they would again at the boy’s wedding, and in their dining room listening to “Jeremiah was a Bullfrog.”

Because this a personal account, I have to wonder, you do not seem to know these people, yet you are able to say what they will do in the future?


The father let go of his lover’s hand, and places it on her stomach, searching for texture on a globe.

placed

The drummer patters the cymbals, and they look into each other’s eyes.

pattered

looked



You say that you are in the water.

I think this could use some sensory details but be careful, you can go a little too far.


Over all I thought there were some very nice moments.


Alice
127
127
Review of Not so Sweet  
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

Good title.

I really like the opening paragraph.

Delcine adjusted her guitar bag’s strap.

I could be wrong, but I think most guitars are not carried in bags, but in cases.


I found this to very well written. Trust me, I am rather picky.


You may wish to list this in the genre gay/lesbian also.



I hope to read more of your work.


Alice
128
128
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
[c:blue}Thank you for entering, Alice's Curiosity Shop.
Here is your review.



The title is okay but a show stopper.

The formatting looks spot on.

The opening paragraph works well. It gives a sense of the protagonist and gives us a question to answer.


A strand of soft yellowish light was leaking from a pair of windows at the end of the alley.

Gerunds: "ing" show us that something is happening right now. If the story, such as yours, is set in the past, it is the wrong tense.

A strand of soft yellowish light was leaked from a pair of windows at the end of the alley.


The pair of windows belonged to Alice’s Curiosity Shop, a little red brick house standing at an inconspicuous corner.

house stood at


An exotic woman was standing behind the counter.

woman stood


A man in Arabic clothing was standing by the counter.

clothing stood

I think some of the "stood" should be changed to something else.


He was speaking to the woman in a low voice.

He spoke



Instantly, Elena was captivated by a silver charm bracelet gleaming next to a crimson dragon teapot.

A silver charm bracelet gleamed next to a crimson dragon teapot captivated Elena.


I think you should say who Clara Schumann was. I doubt most folk will know who she was.





As Elena struggled in silence, Alice wrapped up the silver bracelet promptly.

silence as Alice



I like that you implies that cat influenced her choice in taking the bracelet.



The treble clef was gleaming, just as it had been back at the Curiosity Shop.

clef gleamed


It was urging her to bring it to life.

It urged


She lingered on the last note, feeling transcended.

note felt



She had missed this feeling, and she wanted to hold on to it.

missed that feeling




On the right side of the treble clef, a small eighth note was now carved on the bracelet.

The object in the story does not seem to be a charm bracelet,

http://www.charmnjewelry.com/?gclid=CLrHwfWylJwCFR...

http://www.timelesscharms.com/xcart/home.php?cat=5...

more of a charmed bracelet.



It was standing in the shadow, still as a statue, staring at Elena silently.

It stood

stared

Great line.



She held herself tightly with her arms, trying to keep herself whole and in one piece.

You could cut: "with her arms" what else would she hold herself with?

and tried


Back at the little corner of the alley, the silver bracelet was gleaming beautifully in the shadow.

bracelet gleamed



The treble clef was shining alone, with no musical note accompanying it.

shined

Good line.



I hope you find further inspiration, I would love to read more of your tales.


Alice
129
129
Review of My Son  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
And remember,
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thank you for entering The New Newbie Contest.
Here is your review.




Welcome to Writing.com. I hope the site comes to mean as much to you as it has to me.

Please keep in mind your poem is yours and nothing anyone says can change that. You can ignore everything anyone says to you. We all write for a different point of views, reasons, and much more.

Please ask if something is unclear.


The title is okay.

I like the blue.


The tag line is good. It says what the poem are about.

The E rating is figging.

The genres are correct.

You may want to look at the formatting. The last stanza look off.



That lives in a world that is his alone

I think this is a little repetitive.

That lives in a world which is his alone

I would also break the poem here.


From kindergarten to grade school
A happy child was he
He'd bring home all kinds of things
Just so I would smile

I think should be its own stanza.


High school never finished
A trucker he became
Many lonely hours was always the same

I think this is a stanza too.

Many lonely hours; always the same.



Then one night he met this girl
The woman in his dream
Now the mother of their three
Who walks proudly with these dreams

I think this is its own stanza.

Please consider:

Who walks proudly with new dreams.



Two little boys who look like him
Who think that he's all it
A beautiful daughter who's only two
Who can't wait for daddy to come home, too

I think this is another stanza.


This poem has wonderful heart.

I think some of the rhyme and cadence is not as refine as it could be but love in these words overrides this.


Alice
130
130
Review of Incubus  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thank you for entering.
Here is your review.


The title is a little blain. One word title are not easy. They tend to blend together and yours should stand out.

The formatting looks good. I like the purple. I like the different fonts.

The opening paragraph is good. It poses a questions, making us want to read on.




To My Constant Companion,

To my constant companion,




We met briefly in the village, where I was procuring provisions during a brief respite from solitary occupation with my writing endeavors.

Gerunds say something is happening now and when a story takes place in the past, it not as it should be.


We met briefly in the village, where I procured provisions during a brief respite from solitary occupation with my writing endeavors.


You spoke a warning which bewildered me: “Beware the forces within

warning,



Later, as I traversed through the mists hovering over the path back to my cottage in the wood, I was accosted by a tall figure cloaked in black and escorted by a cordon of ghouls, each with the visage of a wolf and talons for hands


Later, as I traversed through the mists that hovered over the path back to my cottage in the wood, I was accosted by a tall figure cloaked in black and escorted by a cordon of ghouls, each with the visage of a wolf and talons for hands


With a booming voice that echoed through the forest, the figure in black said, “Your services are required.”

The voice boomed and echoed


. I must have passed out, because when I woke I was unencumbered on the perimeter of an enclosure.

out;

Presently, the circle was broken by two of the ghouls carrying a person writhing and screaming in the grip of their talons.

Presently, the circle was broken by two of the ghouls that carried a person who writhed and screamed in the grip of their talons.


After tossing and turning for hours, I was aroused by a chill breeze.

After tossing and turning for hours, a chill breeze aroused me.


While searching for the cause of the draft, I discovered that the letter on my desk had been replaced by an envelope with my name on it.

While searching for the cause of the draft, I discovered that an envelope had replaced the letter on my desk with my name on it.


I like how different this one is.

There is something about ending with a silent scream that is not as strong as I might have liked. Over all though, this was entertaining and rememberable.



Alice
131
131
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
And remember,
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thank you for entering The New Newbie Contest.
Here is your review.




Welcome to Writing.com. I hope the site comes to mean as much to you as it has to me.

Please keep in mind your poem is yours and nothing anyone says can change that. You can ignore everything anyone says to you. We all write for a different point of views, reasons, and much more.

Please ask if something is unclear.

Good title.

The E rating seems to fit.

The tag line is good. I was a band geek too.

The formatting looks good.


Mozart, Beethoven,

When you list only classical composers, it does not seem like anything will do. I would suggest added another line after this one to the list of what will do.

Joplin, Gershwin

Then move on to something much more modern.

Mozart, Beethoven
Joplin, Gershiwin
Go Gos, Cyndy Lupner
with some Beatles tossed in too.

You get the idea.


When it is just the three of us.
Here, I am not sure who the three of you are. I think you mean the two people and the piano. You may wish to express this.

When it is just the three of us:
Just you, me and the piano.


A song sweet as honey.

"honey" I think you should reach for another word. Honey is very sweet but why not make this something fresh? What is your favorite sweet treat? Red licorice, cactus cooler. I selected these because when I was in band, these were the sweet things I loved.


The music fills the air,

This too could use a special touch. You can say the same thing but in a different way.

The music pour over and through us.
The music dusted our souls


Perhaps one more stanza? Express what the feels you want to have again.


These are only ideas and they help you take the poem to the next place.

As is, your poem is fine. It like a piece of candy but it would be nice to get more.


Keep writing. It makes the world better.

Alice
132
132
Review of John's Jar  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you once more for entering The Curiosity Shop. There are new prompts for you write about. I hope you will.

The title should appear as: John's Jar

The formatting looks good.



Good opening paragraph. I love that the shop is in black and white.

A block from his apartment he seen a shop with its lights still on and the open sign in the window.

he had seen



The piles of things he seen ranged from a strange planet, a jar, a bearskin rug to a quilt in the corner.

This needs a bit of tightening.

The piles of things ranged from a strange planet, a jar, a bearskin rug, to a quilt in the corner.


The cats’ eyes followed his every move.

cat's

When it is "cats' " it means the eyes belonged to ever cat in the whole world.


He looked up feeling her measuring eyes on him.

Great line.


He picked up the hat and inside on the tag it read, ‘Only to for the warm of heart.’

'Only to warm the heart.'



“How idiotic can you get?” He murmured quietly.

he



“I’m Alice, the owner of this Interesting little shop.” She said in a cold voice, though she did shake his extended hand.

interesting

shop," she


The quilt was thick nice and warm looking and he considered getting it for himself until he read the label it was the comfort quilt.

thick, nice


Some of the alcohol was starting to affect him more than it had before.

alcohol started




The next morning a Friday morning, John got up and tripped over the bag in the floor.

morning,


The two large windows, the huge desk and comfortable chair was his right.

were at his right.


He had earned them with his motto of, ‘Human Resources were not his job, and Management of resources was!’

management

He had to work to keep the glee out of his voice. As he told her, he had to let her go.

He had to work to keep the glee out of his voice as he told her, he had to let her go.


She decided that she would try to return the money as the owner of the shop must have been missing it.

This line is missing something.


Angry now he stalked into the room, picked up the hat and stuffed it on his head.

and shoved

You cannot really stuff the hat on his head.



John could not believe it. He had never seen a worse game.

You need a transition before this line.



When he arrived at work, and read the email, he was speechless.

No commas needed.


They were going to promote Becky, they could not believe that he had fired her, and they were sending a representative to see her immediately, In fact, they should have arrived at her house already.

immediately.


He poured the contents into a wine glass knowing the smell of a fine wine when he smelled it.

He poured the contents into a wine glass knowing the scent of a fine wine when he smelled it.


He went to his couch and sat down flipping on the TV the news was on.

down and flipped




Good plot. I like how you put a twist into the story.






As always,

Alice
133
133
Review of Imps  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Congratulations!

Your tale has been chosen as best tale of July 09.





You may have one of the following:

10,000 gift points

or

a horror merit badge

or

a ribbon, your choice of color.



I await you selection.


Alice
134
134
Review of The Bracelet  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for entering my contest, Alice's Curiosity Shop. Here is your review.


I like the title.



Nice opening paragraph. It sets up the story well.


Sharply I shook myself, remembering Kara, and I knew that I had to get the Teapot.

The Teapot was unique.

teapot


Satisfied that, I found the right gift I headed to the counter.

that I


As I approached, the cat, hissed, a voice from behind the counter said, "Now, you hush, that old teapot is getting ready to leave here."

approached the hissed, a


The huge cat had decided that it liked me, because it had jumped down off the counter and was rubbing up against my legs purring.

cat decided

and rubbed up against my legs purring.


I held out my wrist, and she placed the bracelet on my arm. When she did the bracelet grew, winding up my arm and down the other and as quickly as it happened the bracelet faded disappearing into my skin. I gasp as the sensations faded and looked down to see the bracelet on my wrist, as if I had imagined the whole thing. “I don’t understand?”

Why didn't this freak her out more? I like the idea of this, but I think it needs to have happened when she was at home and have a bit more of a reaction.



Alice pushed her large glasses up on her face and made a face I recognized as look of knowing.
“Lee, do you like bracelets? I have one here that you should look at. I think it would look great on you. It practically calls your name; just give me a minute to find it.”


Alice pushed her large glasses up on her face and made a face I recognized as look of knowing. “Lee, do you like bracelets? I have one here that you should look at. I think it would look great on you. It practically calls your name; just give me a minute to find it.”


You know, presents first “.

first."


The dragon teapot was only ten dollars I was pleasantly pleased with the price.


dollars;



The next morning, I woke up feeling more refreshed than I had ever felt.

The next morning, I woke up and flet more refreshed than I had ever.


The bracelet seemed to be nothing more than that this morning.

This is a little unclear.

The bracelet seemed to be nothing more than an ordinary bracelet that morning.



I showered and wished I had a big doughnut, no big doughnut appeared, with no wishes granted, I felt much better and left, the Bracelet alone.

bracelet


I let her know I had a checkup at the Doctor the next day.

doctor




I want that teapot!



The Doctor had told me I had to lose weight.



Wow, 15 pounds so quick. That might be a cause for concern. But then again, I am unsure as to how time has really past.


How could I help, she seemed almost lifeless laying there.

lying


“I am here to make sure you are ok.”

OK."



“I’m fine mom, don’t worry.”

Mom,


I rode in the Ambulance with Kara, where a second person checked her.

ambulance


The plot has wonderful potential. I think this needs a little more added to it. The relationships need to grow so the ending will have an even larger impact. I hope you do.


As always,
Alice
135
135
Review of Last Moments  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
And remember,
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thank you for entering The New Newbie Contest.
Here is your review.



Welcome to Writing.com. I hope the site comes to mean as much to you as it has to me.

Please keep in mind your poem is yours and nothing anyone says can change that. You can ignore everything anyone says to you. We all write for a different point of views, reasons, and much more.

Please ask if something is unclear.

Congratulations on the ribbon. Aren't they nice.

TItle is fine.

The tag, rate of E and genre's are fitting.

The formatting looks great.

The opening paragraph sets the story up well.


My sister, Haven, died after battling cancer two years.

" battling cancer", I pause here. I think this is something that has been said and written a million times. Here is a place you could made this more personal.

She had suffered from chemotherapy, hair-loss and a haunted, sickly feeling.

To tighten this up a bit, you could remove "had."



Haven endured the last few months as courageously as she could.

I think this is a place where you could shown instead of tell.


The day she died, I felt like I had died as well.

This might very well be true, but again, it something I have read and heard countless times. You can find away to say it and make it fresh.


As I drifted off to sleep, I remembered all the good times we ever had. The night of my first break-up, and she was there to comfort me. The time my pet hamster, Chucky, died, she took my reluctant self to the pet shop and bought me another. The week before my friend's party, she went shopping with me and waited patiently while I tried on different pairs of jeans and tank-tops, and even offered her views on each one.

The way in which this paragraph is structured, it seems that you feel breakups and death of a pet are "good times."

You could separate, like this:

As I drifted off to sleep, I remembered all the good times we ever had.

The night of my first break-up, and she was there to comfort me. The time my pet hamster, Chucky, died, she took my reluctant self to the pet shop and bought me another.

The week before my friend's party, she went shopping with me and waited patiently while I tried on different pairs of jeans and tank-tops, and even offered her views on each one.

TO THIS: I the first line, I would add a happy memory, such as sandcastles, food fight, whispering in the dark to each other.

The second, I would add: I recall when she was there for me.

The third, I would add why this was special. How she made it fun or the care and time she took.


Everywhere was blossoming like summer; Haven and I had never seen summer because we stayed in a one-season country of gloom.

Ysually blossoming has more to do with spring.

Here you have the wrong tense. "ing" shows it is happening right now, when in fact the story takes place in the past.

Everywhere blossomed like summer; Haven and I had never seen summer because we stayed in a one-season country of gloom.



Bright pink trees and leaves, brown tree barks and a flash of green everywhere.

This is not clear.

Trees with bright pink leaves surround me. Flashes of green with hues of pink were everywhere.




Something was glowing among the trees.

Something glowed


The image came to life, taking shape and proportion; it looked fairly like an angel.

life, took


Colours -- like a rainbow -- merged together, producing an exciting whirl of paints, before the process was done, and the creature stepped forward.

and produced an exited


It was Haven. She looked the same, except for that weird glowy thing around her.

Please consider:

Have: She

I would not say she looked the same. It shows us nothing and does she still look sick?




Time caught up with the moment as I ran toward her, screaming and crying at the same time.

When did time slow down or speed up before? How could it be catching up now?



"Haven!" I cried, in her arms now.

I would cut "now", it changes the tense.



It took me awhile before I could and when I did it was because dozens of questions were cramped up in my head so much so I was sure my skull had cracked.

could,

head, so much so, I



"No, of course not. I just...wondered how you could do it since.. you-you're..."

since...you


"Oh Gawd, Julia, you haven't changed one bit! I thought maybe after my funeral you'd loosen up a bit. Seriously, chill."

Why would she think she should lighter after the funeral of sister?


"But Haven! What about Mommy, and Daddy... what about ME?

me?

Do not place words in all capitalizes.


Why?" I whimpered now, softly, almost to myself.

softly; almost


Then suddenly she closed her eyes gently and whispered, "I think I have to go now," calmly.

I do not think you need: "calmly" of course she said in a clam way. She was whispering gently.




Haven was crying.

Haven cried.


I squinted at it and realised it was actually an angel -- a miniature version of it -- so tiny it could easily fit the size of my palm.

I squinted at it and realised it was actually a miniature angel, so tiny it could easily fit the size of my palm.

I think you could also cut: "so tiny it could easily fit the size of my palm." You already said it was small and did come from a pocket.


I do not feel you need "the end".


I feel this still needs some work but you did a lot of things well. This has a good and touching plot. Each character was their own.


Thank you again for entering.

Alice
136
136
Review of Twisted Teeth  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thank you for entering.
Here is your review.



I really like the title.

The formatting looks spot on.

The opening paragraph gives the setting and sets up the set of the story.


Well written and well plotted.

I found no errors in any way. Great job.


Alice
137
137
Review of Instant Reaction  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (2.5)
And remember,
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thank you for entering The New Newbie Contest.
Here is your review.




Welcome to Writing.com. I hope the site comes to mean as much to you as it has to me.

Please keep in mind your poem is yours and nothing anyone says can change that. You can ignore everything anyone says to you. We all write for a different point of views, reasons, and much more.

Please ask if something is unclear.




Good title.

Formatting is good.

The font is a little small for my eyes.



I need a bicycle to go to classes, and I also ride it outside of school for dinner.

I think you have the wrong tense here. I think it should be in the past.

I needed a bicycle to go to classes, and I also ride it outside of school for dinner.

The last part of the line is unclear: d I also ride it outside of school for dinner.

and I also to ride it outside of school ground to find something for dinner.



Once in a while, I ran into bicycle accidents.

The way this is worded now, there was an accident and you joined it. Please consider:

Once in a while, I ran across bicycle accidents.



A phenomenon that also attracted me was that bike-riders often become upset mostly toward the other rider in an accident.

upset, mostly

I want to figure out why this emotion is stirred up.

emotions were stirred



Through a sequence of logical inferring, I concluded two scenarios happening when bike-riders are facing a probable bicycle crash.

bike riders faced


One scenario is that riders are astounded such that their minds go blank.

scenario was riders were astounded


They grip the handhold tightly, and directly strike into the coming bicycle.

gripped

"handhold" might be changed to, "handlebar."



The other is that various options for avoiding crashing pop up in riders’ mind.

other was

popped


In this case, the riders have to address with many information such as the relative speed and the distance between two bikes.

In that case, the riders had to address relative speed and the distance between two bikes.



They, meanwhile, should opt for a resolution in a flash.

In that case, the riders had to address relative speed and the distance between two bikes and opt for a resolution in a flash.


Consequently, they end up doing nothing and collide, or they just turn away the handhold to avert direct impact.

ended

turned


Both scenarios lead to turbulence in emotion.

of emotion.


Rage replaces astonishment as bike-riders revert themselves.

replaced

"revert", I do not think you are using in the right manner. I am sure



I rode my bicycle on Zhou Shan road, trying to distract myself from riding.

This is a little repetitive.

I rode my bicycle on Zhou Shan Street and tried to distract myself from what I was doing.




I almost struck the oncoming bicycle which I can’t see before I ride to the top of bridge.

I couldn't

I rode


After I stopped I recalled what I experienced just then.

stopped,




Since this part of a larger work, you should consider placing a link to what comes next.


There are other places where the tense is off. However there are too many at this time to list further. Should require more aide, please tell me. I think once you are aware of this mistake, you will be more able to avoid it.

I am giving this a lower rating than I might due to the grammatical errors. However, please note that this can and will change. If you make any changes and tell me, I will change my rating also.



I wish you well on your writing journey.


Alice
138
138
Review of Old Glory  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I love how the image looks like it in a scrapbook.


Pale eyes scanned the horizon.

I read this expression, "pale eyes" I feel that this might be a place where you could bring your own voice in a bit more.


The explosion lit the night sky, falling to earth in a fiery shower.

Earth



Good lead in to the flashback. I like that you placed it italics to help show that is was different from the rest of the story line. I have read recently that the use of Gerunds. You might ask, "Why is this bad?" Because it indicates, an uncompleted action. It's happening now, except that it can’t be happening now, because it's a Past Tense story.



Running a hand over Richison's eyes to close them, Garrett sent up a prayer for the fallen warrior before turning back to the rest of his unit with a muttered,"Same ol' Richie...always had to have the last word."

muttered, "Same


When the twenty-first shot echoed into the night, Garrett helped his companion to the parking lot's firm, level ground and extended his hand with a heartfelt, "Thank you."

firm; level


I thought over all this was nicely told.


A;
139
139
Review of All the Reasons  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,

An honest review.

Title is fine, but not a WOW!


Ah..

Ah...

Freefalling shudders down my spine.

Freefalling shudders spill down my spine.


You know, I did not read the tag and as I was reading the poem as a whole, it struck me.

When I read a poem a line as a line. Then as a stanza. And then as a whole. The poem opened up wide to me and Ah...



Alice
140
140
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

This one is so well written, I did something that has never been done in the entire time the contest has been on the site. I have awarded you second place.





Alice
in read
141
141
Review of Imps  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **





Your tale has been selected as best in this round.

Here is your prize of 5000 gift points.

Your tale will also be in consideration for Best of July as well.







Alice
in read
142
142
Review of Imps  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*BOUNDS OVER. Wraps both arms around Stephen and squeezes and only let's go when you wheeze and turn a little blue. *


On with the review.

It is great to see you back!

Most of the time I would give you crap about so a title, but because of the story's contents, it's good.



Great opening paragraph. Here's an odd complement. the rhythm of it was perfect.


No bloody respect in this country anymore.

respects


My Father and Grandfather’s blood would boil to see just what they protected in the wars.

father

grandfather's




Huey, Lewis and Donald stand naked of flesh in the moonlight. Their childish laughter reverberates in my head as they bend forward to retrieve their ribs.

It took a third read for me to see they were his kids.


Really, really good.


Alice
Still floating.











143
143
Review of A Leap of Faith  
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is the last time I swear.

Here are some more notes.



He was good looking; tall and lanky with green eyes that sparkled with joy.

looking,



They went to "The Varsity" and ordered the same; chili dogs, onion rings and frosted orange shakes.

same:


"I'm majoring in Business, can't stand it but my Uncle said I can always use it in whatever I decide to do."

business

uncle




"My parents were killed in a car crash. I was ten; they had left me alone to go to a movie. I remember cops coming to the door."

Tears traced his cheeks as he recalled the terrifying news.


"My parents were killed in a car crash. I was ten; they had left me alone to go to a movie. I remember cops coming to the door." Tears traced his cheeks as he recalled the terrifying news.




I like how you show how they trip into love.





Beth sat at Grandma's table the next Sunday, Anna Belle Martin was a beautiful woman to be sixty with white hair that you wanted to touch.

Sunday;


She had gentle blue eyes, and a smile that lit up a room.

"lit up a room" is too well-warn. I bet you find another way of saying this.



It was in an exquisite antique setting with a (0.75 carat white almost flawless) diamond surrounded with rubies.

I think you should cut: (0.75 carat white almost flawless)


The wedding vows were wonderful.



She was going to need a lot of Rehabilitation to recover.

rehabilitation




I like how that baby's room reflected the poem.



The last three paragraphs are wonderful.


It seems to me that there is a great deal more to the story than what is on the screen. So much of this not there or is a case of telling and showing.

The story has a good heart and worth going back in.


I wish you well on your writing journey.


Alice
144
144
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I still enter The Resurrected Stand and Garlic from time to time. It not something I rush to as much as I use to. I hate that they do not give reviews.


Sure, sure, so I'm a Vampire

Sure, Sure, so I'm a Vampire

Good title.



Now I love a good story as much as everyone else does, however this has gone so far out in left field.

does;



What I actually craved was the feelings produced when I took the blood.

What emotions are these?



The girl meets her, somewhat dangerous ‘knight in shining armor’ the drama, the tears the love it is so emotional.

'knight in sparkling armor'

BECAUSE it's funny.



Going to the movie left me feeling gluttonous.

GREAT!


I cannot wait for the second movie, though I will problably have to work out more with all those sweet emotions.

movie;

probably


I really like the idea of a vampire therapist who uses the emotions to feed and as a from of therapy.


The one thing I wish you would do is show us how it feels when the feed and how it effects the person who the vampire is with.


Alice
145
145
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,

I am one of the guest judges for this weeks round of, "Summer Days Writing Contest."

Here is your review.



I like the title. However it should be centered and or be underlined. Also it lacks capitals.

I Have Sailed the Seas of Sorrow




He was a kind and gentle man who gave and never took,
he sailed the waves off sandy shore and a place called pirates nook.

took.

He sailed


One harsh and very stormy night off rugged Puget sound,

Sound,

(I know where this is. I spent a goodly part of life in that area. )


When the other contest is over, cut the last line it does not fit. However the rest of the poem is graceful and heart felt.


You should send this one to a publisher.


Alice
146
146
Review of Gramma's House  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello,

I am one the guest judges for this round of, "Summer Days Writing Contest."

Here is my review.

The title is nice.

The formatting is good.


It was built by Gramma's Daddy

daddy



I loved my Gramma and her big old house

gramma


You lost the rhyme scheme in the last stanza.



This is a pleasant enough poem and seems very americana.

I am rating this lower than others might. For me this poem is sweet, but is not the sort that will stay with me once I have gone on. Others may feel differently.

Thank you for the poem. I hope you write more.


Alice
147
147
Review of The Curse  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)



Hello,

I am guest judge for this round of, "Summer Days Writing Contest.”

Here is my review.


I think the title is a little general.

The opening paragraph is interesting.

I was never afraid of commitment, not that I had ever found the person to whom I wanted a ‘committment to’.

commitment

I had convinced her to share a cab with me back, since we had, had so many drinks.

Back to where?

The pain of the loss thick in my heart my head finally wrapped around the whole of it. The curse of youth, how could that be bad? Now, I knew.

Good ending.

The idea was great. I wanted the story to have more substance.

I want to see and feel their love.

I want the conversation where she tells him what is happening.

I am glad he stuck with her. I think it was very interesting what happened to her. But I was at a loss to understand why he did nothing to help her.

I hope that you will come back to this and see if you can flesh it out some more. The tale deserves to be told in its entirety.


Thank you for your tale.

ALice
148
148
Review of Independence Day  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello,

Good luck in the contest. The prizes are great.

Although the title may fit, I would suggest you taking another look at it and seeing if you can find another. For one thing, I am sure there will be more than one titled the same thing and I would also venture theme. Yours should stand out.

I think the opening line has a good hook.

I wonder if you should not have a bit more of setting.

You change tense.



I wondered why so many middle-aged men lost their minds--why they were willing to risk their marriages, their children, their lives for a meaningless fling with a younger woman.

children; their



A mic squealed somewhere in the distance, thunk, thunk, thunk as it was tapped three times, someone said "Testing, testing, onetwothree."

distance:

said,

one, two, three."


There was a brief pause, then a woman cleared her throat and started to sing the National Anthem.

pause;

One by one people rose, their hands over their hearts.

raised;

Liz stood, staggered, righted herself.

staggered;



The fireworks exploded above us, tinting sand, surf and skin shades of red, white and blue. I remember lying in the back of Jon's truck, neither of us out of high school yet, as we watched the fireworks together. We snuggled under a blanket and gazed in wonder at the stars. We talked about men walking on the moon and other incredible things human beings are capable of when they set their minds to something. It was the summer of '86, and we were inseparable.

Great paragraph.


She weaved her way through the crowd, and my intestines weaved themselves into an intricate, gnarled knot.

Wonderful.


I wrenched myself free and stood up. "It's been over for two months for you! For me this just happened today. Is that supposed to make me feel better? Is the fact that she means nothing to you supposed to make me hurt less?"

Large amount of truth here.

The tears were falling freely now, and I was completely helpless to stop them.

tear feel freely


There were no stars tonight, just the man-made kind bursting in unison, their brilliant colors and deafening detonations punctuating the death of my marriage like some B-movie soundtrack.

tonight;

Personally I think the ending needs to be a little stronger. Some of that poetic metaphors.


Well that is my two cents of thought. I hope it helped.

I enjoyed the story.



Alice
149
149
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: ASR
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150
150
Review of Camp Nightmare  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.5)
Congratulations!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Your tale has been selected as best in the round of July 5th - July 11th.


Great job.

Alice
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