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176
176
Review of Firetruck  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Yah twitter fiction is hard.

His Mom told him his Dad was a fireman.

His mom told him his dad was a fireman.

Please see: http://hubpages.com/hub/Grammar_Mishaps__Capitaliz...


I hope this helps and good luck with this.

I think this works.



Alice
177
177
Review of Catharsis  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.com. I hope the site comes to mean as much to you as it does to many of us.

Here are some notes for you to consider or not:

The title is not bad.

The opening paragraph is great.


Virginia had lived alone most of her life, and alone she was again.

I think you could cut "had".

no comma.



You have over 20 sentences that begin with the same pronoun: "She". I have found that this bogs down your prose.


You should think about reworking some of your adverbs. This tends to weaken your writing.



The tale was not bad but not one that would stick with me.



Alice
178
178
Review of Demon Baby  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Phantom_Writer,


Thank you for taking part in this round of A Flicker of Madness. I am glad to see it inspired a new story. I hope to see you in another round or two.

Here are some notes for you to consider or not:

The opening gave me pause.

I love the second one though.


Judging by his expression, neither had he.

expression; neither


She had won..

Opps, one too many periods.


I would use her name a little more. Also, when you have leaps of time, I would make them with a *** or something like it.


Over all I found this to be a haunting tale. Great job.



Alice
179
179
Review of Sin eater  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Congratulations!

Your story was selected as best in the round of "sin eater" in the contest, "A Flicker of Madness".



Here is your prize of 5000 gift points.


Your story is also eligible for the best of the month prize.



I hope to see you in other rounds.



Alice
180
180
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Congratulations!

Your story has taken first place in the
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1532272 by Not Available.
.


Please tell me if you would like a ribbon, merit badge or gift points.


Thank you for your entertaining story. I had a good time imaging it. I wish there was more to it.


Along with this, is your prize of gift points.



Alice
181
181
Review of The Knowing  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Stephen,

I hope you like the next rounds prompt too. It is: mummy.


Here are some notes for you to consider or not:

The Knowing.
By Stephen A Abell.

I do not think either of these require a period.

He knew the radiators were set to maximum, while the summer sun pounded at the window for access.

You could cut: He knew.


However, when they passed over the sins reattached themselves to the soul.

I think could cut: themselves.

At this time the dearly departed realise their sins have been sold to the landlord of hell, for favours; and without the option to repent at the feet of the great and only God.

time,

I think you should change: "have been" to "were".

favours; without


Pulling down the duvet, he had the wife place the death cake on her husband’s chest.

I think you could cut: he had.



She screamed, ceaselessly slamming the knife into his chest.

I think you need to clarify which he is getting the knife in his chest.

“He will.” He said turning to the door and striding quickly away.

will," he



Good job on this.


Alice
182
182
Review of Sin eater  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello

Thank you for taking part in this round of "A Flicker of Madness". I hope to see in the next round. The prompt is: Mummy.

Here are some notes for you to consider or not:

The title: Sin eater should be: Sin Eater



Letting go of the limp body to fall sprawled on the ground, he stood up and pulled out a white handkerchief to daintily dab at a corner of his mouth.

ground;

I thought you did a very good job. The only other note I would give is, watch the adverbs. This could even be better if you did not have as many.



Alice
183
183
Review of Nightmares  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello,

Thank you for taking part in my contest: Tales of the Big Top and the Bizarre.

Here are some notes for you to consider or not:

One word titles are hard.

Time!!

You only need one exclamation point.

K sat upright on his bed, his palms clenched on its edge, and stared outside.

bed;


K took his time in getting ready, he would be lying if he said he was looking forward to the task at hand.

ready;


Today was not the day to be polite thought K, he carried on leaving the kid to deal with the disarrayed stack on the floor.

K;


As he made his way onto the murky street,a thin drizzle began, urging K, while swearing and muttering under his breath, to quicken his footsteps.

Needs a space: street, a


He walked in long quick strides, that produced a distinct sound - monotonous in its rhythm, and amplified by the stillness his neighbourhood.

strides that

There was a trap door and a ladder in the 5th apartment from the street end, or was it the 4th?

There was a trap door and a ladder in the 5th apartment from the street ends, or was it the 4th?

He recalled stories of The Order's ingenious torture devices, that he had heard at the local bar as a young lad in his twenties, before it had been blown away.

devices that


He had never been as brave as the others, fear laid its cold stiff grip on his heart.

others;


I thought the writing was not bad but the idea of it the was not very original. Keep trying. You'll find stories more your own.



Alice
184
184
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello,

This is the last review for the "Long Live Lovecraft".


Here are some notes for you to consider or not:

It was hard to tell where the nucleus of Hale-Bopp ended and the tail began, and where the tail ended and the infinite cosmos began.

I think this would read better if changed this:

began; where

I gazed at Hale-Bopp, Mars and the eclipsed moon from my unrolled backseat window.

I suggest that you cut: "Hate-bopp, Mars and the eclipsed moon", "unrolled".

I would change: "Hate-bopp, Mars and the eclipsed moon", to "the heavens" or "the sky".



They had been gradually swallowed by outdoor fluorescent lights.


Outdoor fluorescent lights had gradually swallowed them.



A little boy carried cotton candy and a balloon. He giggled as he ran past me.

I think this would read better if it were combined.



Her hair was filthy and scraggly. The top portion of her hair was grey, and the bottom portion was bleached blond.

I think these should be combined as well.


There was a small group clustered around a tower which had a shack on the top.

tower,



You have a great deal of sentences that start with pronouns. I am sure if you were to rework some it would help with the flow of the story.



I entered the shack. It was made of wooden beams which were painted grey.

beams,


He said, "That's it. Just how I--"

You do not need this dialog tag.


Two years before this, he had been the leader of a mob which nearly beat me to death.

mob,

He said, "Don't touch that! All those instruments have been sterilized for the next patient.

You do not need this dialog tag.


The doctor returned with a syringe. He said, "I'm going to give you a shot of novocaine.

novocain



This is interesting but I am lost.


Alice
185
185
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello again,

Onto part three.

Here are some notes for you to consider or not:

Good transition from on part to the next.

A medium-sized television was situated in the center of the room, and it was the object which seemed to draw the most attention from patients.

object,

He said, "We're going to talk to you about the most urgent thing that is on our mind and what we suspect is the most urgent thing on the minds of those who will connect with us.

You do not need this dialog tag.


Some of the female patients were mesmerized by her as well, and I noticed a doctor who would eye the channel-changing woman, even as snot dangled out her nose.

She mesmerized some of the female patients as well, and I noticed a doctor who would eye the channel-changing woman, even as snot dangled out her nose.


That is it for this one.


Alice
186
186
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello,

Onto part 4.

Here are some notes for you to consider or not:

A second doctor opened the steel door which had claimed Plastic Man and the patient who had collected the tacks.

door,

Sometimes, I would think my brain was being controlled by people from the future.


Sometimes, I would think people from the future were controlling my brain.


As Steven King said: "The road to hell is paved with adverbs." I am sure if you followed his sage advice your writing would become even stronger.


Alice
187
187
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Dr. Sky,

Thank you for the tale.

I think there is a novella contest you should think about entering this in. That way you take all of the five parts.

I think the ending is very strong and I found no notes for you consider.

I think the works in general could be improved if you were to add some sensory details.


As always,
Alice
188
188
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Dave,

Thank you again for taking part in my contest "Long Live Lovecraft".

Here are some notes for you to consider or not:

I like the title and the opening paragraph works well also.


It all began when my partner Detective Sherman Helms and I encountered a peculiar set of circumstances surrounding a series of mysterious deaths in our precinct.

that surrounded


When we arrived at the scene, the computer screensaver was displaying the head of a horned goat floating across a background of flickering flames.

screensaver displayed

that floated


Amelia had stayed behind to work on a term paper.

Amelia stayed


Recyle Bin....Game Channel...Data Spreadsheet...Internet Explorer....Finance Network...Ah!

Bin...Game

Explorer...Finance



“What was that, Sherm?....Sherm?”

... Sherm?"


It is IMPERATIVE that the world be warned against the danger which lurks behind that evil icon before more unsuspecting people are sucked into that infernal universe of torment.


danger,


I thought you did a great job on this one. Thank you for entering.



Alice
189
189
Review of In the Attic  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Dave,

Thank you for taking part in my contest "Long Live Lovecraft."

Here are some notes for you consider or not:

I like the title.

The old house reeked with the musty milieu that comes from neglect.

mildew

came


For some reason, my grandfather Abaddon Webster had bequeathed the old place to me in his will when he finally succumbed after spending the last years of his life in a nursing home.

I think this might be stronger if you were to cut: For some reason,



My new bride Monique and I decided that refurbishing the two-story New England structure with quaint gables and a wrap-around front porch would be a better investment than pouring rent money into an apartment.

You could cut: that

structure,

porch,


Since the place was obviously without electric power, we had purchased some nonperishable provisions and lanterns to tide us over until we could get the place straightened out and have the power restored.

You could cut: "Since", "electric" <<< first one.


Then we set about exploring the remainder of the house.

and explored


Thinking a good night’s sleep would refresh our resolve, we fixed some savory strawberry jam sandwiches to eat and then retired to the bedroom on the second floor.

We thought

resolve;

Savory? I have not had savory strawberry jam.


I felt overall this was too rushed for me to gain as much enjoyment as I might have.


Thank you for the tale.


Alice








190
190
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hello opit,

Thank you for taking part in "Long Live Lovecraft".


Here are some notes for you to consider or not:

The title is okay but is not all too striking.

Opening paragraph: I like the idea that this is a folk or oral tale. However something did give pause:

Listen carefully, for this is a tale that everyone who lives in this place should be familiar with… It starts with Allan Kimble, a police investigator in a small town called "Terra":

If this "is a tale that everyone who lives in this place should be familiar with", why would they or should they, "Listen carefully"?

"Allan, you got to see this… We just got a call from a citizen in downtown, he found a body." Gorge said as he walked towards Allan.

I feel there is too great a jump from the opening line to this. I think this would be better if there was more of a transition from to the other. Perhaps:

The storyteller placed his foot on chair and struck a match. He raised to this pipe and gave two long pulls, casting ....

Also: body," Gorge

toward

You should either add to it or simple cut it altogether.



"What's new Gorge? It seems there's a murder in that place every hour these days." Allan answered from his chair behind the table.

days," Allan


Gorge was quite the chatterer type, that's why it seemed strange to Allan that he isn't blabbering about the usual nonsense of women or new clothes.

Wrong tense: he wasn't blabbering

"Jesus! What is that?" Were the first words that came out of his mouth while he starred at the horribly deformed body.

were


Unable, or unwilling to believe his eyes, he just kept gazing at what the rest of the police crew called a corpse.


"Just" is one of those words that you should avoid. Please consider:


Unable, or unwilling to believe his eyes, he kept gazing at what the rest of the police crew called a corpse.


As you probably already noticed, this body was brutally tortured and abused. Nonetheless,

I would either cut this or reword this. As is, it adds nothing new to the story and therefore should be cut.


That's why we called you, our best detective.

I think you should cut this as well. It feels untrue and like something out of a bad movie.


For some reason the murderer left it behind.

I think you should cut this. We know it was left behind.


As Allan sat on his couch at home, weary from the exhausting day, he took the odd looking journal out of his bag. It was covered in black leather, and had strange symbols carved into it. Allan didn't recognize the symbols, but for some reason they crept him out. He opened it and started reading:

The story might be better severed if you were to start it here and weave some of the detail that came before in as it goes along. This is where the story found its feet.

but for some reason they crept him out.

I think this could and should have greater impact. Consider a revision here.

Maybe I wish that through my inquires in this journal, my mind will finally be at ease.

I would cut: Maybe I wish that



I keep blaming my vast fertile imagination for this horrific act, but merely for condolence.

According to my dictionary, you used "condolence" incorrectly here.


Physically there is nothing wrong with me, yet I feel pain I've never felt before. Something in my head. An obnoxious unbearable whispering that relentlessly dwells in there. I take pills, but it doesn't help. The worst part is that I cannot fully comprehend what the whispering is saying. I know that it is a language I understand, but I'm unable to decipher the words. It is so tremendously maddening and frustrating that I can't help myself from listening to it all day. The only way I can try to explain it, is that the words are there and yet aren't there at the same time. I'm almost able to figure it out, but then it disappears. It's like endlessly trying to remember a word, but never actually remembering it.

I thought this was a good passage.


I think perhaps as the diary moved along, you might have noted how the handwriting had changed.


THE GUN!

THE GUN!

I think you should remove this. I do not think anyone under those condition would stop to write that.



"The entire town of "Terra", and detective Allan, who was a close friend of mine, are no longer with us.

I would not use quotes around the city's name.


I've never heard him like that, and trust me when I tell you this: if he was that disturbed, you need to start worry.


to worry.

"The entire town of "Terra", and detective Allan, who was a close friend of mine, are no longer with us. Allan told me all of this over the phone just two days ago.

You need more of a transition before this. I know you have a marker, but I was so lost.


Yesterday we lost contact with everyone in there.

You could cut: in.


An old man, probably an experienced politician by his looks, stood up and silenced everyone.

CUT: probably!


The fog is spreading. It's moving rather fast towards all directions, and will cover the entire surface of earth in approximately six months."

Earth

Also, this is a cheat. You should SHOW the reader this and not tell them.


The old man had to stop due to some heavy coughing.

This is weak and needs to be improved. You are telling instead of showing.


I am sorry. I like the idea of this as an oral history. I think that is great but your voice in-which you have told the story does not work.

The last leg of your story lacks description.


"Yes Mr. Grim." the whole class pronounced together.

Grim,"


The boy cried while hiding his head between his knees.

while he hide his


Great idea. I really hope you work on this some more, but the story is largely telling with not enough showing and the transitions, and tone of the story are lacking.

The idea is a 4.5 but the rest bring it down.


I wish you well on your writing journey,

Alice
191
191
Review of Night Shift  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

Thank you for taking part in this round of, "A Flicker of Madness". I hope to see you in other rounds. Perhaps you find inspiration in the current prompt: Soul Eater.

Here are some notes for you to consider or not:

I think the title is a little common for vampire tales.

The opening paragraph is good.

Julie, the section manager, was as appealing as an alley cat. Overweight, pale, and lacking personality, Julie was the bane of the night crew.

Most alley cats are not overweight, pale or lacking personality.

Totally strange.” Mark sounded excited.

strange,"

We appreciate your patience.” She spoke softly but firmly, and clearly she was in charge.

patience," she


I thought this was a nice twist on a vampire tale.



Alice
192
192
Review of Just One Taste  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello,

Thank you for taking part in this round of, "A Flicker of Madness". I hope to see you many more. Perhaps you will find new inspiration in the new prompt: Soul Eater?


Here are some notes for you to consider or not:


I like the title.

Great opening paragraph.

The ones that told her to hunt and claim, to take her fill and damn the consequences.

claim;

It called to her, beckoned her closer, lulled her to trust.

closer;

I love that she did not do it.


Alice
193
193
Review of Destiny  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello

Thank you for taking part in this round of, "A Flicker of Madness". I hope to see you in many more rounds.

Here are some notes for you to consider or not:


I think one word titles are tough. There tend to so many with the same title that all blend in.



4:00 a..m.

a. m.



The opening paragraph is good.


7:41 a..m.

a.


She watched the ground as she went, her eyes probing the concrete for anything interesting. She stopped once to pick up a penny. Placing her backpack on the ground beside her, she closed her eyes and wished for a puppy that she could love and take care of. She placed the penny in her left shoe like her Mom had taught her, picked up her pack and carried on toward the school. She did not notice the black car that drove slowly past her, and she did not see the smoking man staring at her from behind the wheel. She walked slowly up the steps and opened the doors to the school, daydreaming about the puppy she had wished for.

I feel in this paragraph you should rework most of the sentences that start with "She" in another way. This will increase the flow.


I like the little girl's name.


Destiny walked right by Alfred Dafoy as he lay waiting in the leaves and shrubbery.

laid


"Well, we learned a little bit about evolution." she answered with a smirk. "And I found a lucky penny!"

evolution,"


I like how you brought the penny back into play at the end. Nicely done!



Alice
194
194
Review of 11:34  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
I thought I would take a chance and read one more. I hope you do not mind. If so, then toss the review.

In a story that has a little over 2000 words, 26 of them are adverbs. Most of these should reworked. Then are to passive. As Steve King says: "The road to hell is paved with adverbs."

Also, you have a great many sentences that begin with the same pronoun, "He". This tends to bog down a story. I counted over 40.

But most of all, it took him away from his precious paint brushes.

I think this would be stronger if you did not start with a conjunction.

paintbrushes.

He loved his work more than anything, including his wife, and everyone knew it.

I do not think "everyone knew it". Those that knew him did, but not everyone.


There was a small bald man with glasses sitting behind the counter reading a thick paper-back novel.

paperback

Charles looked at him and said "Excuse me sir,"

said,

sir."

"Someone help me! Please!" He screamed.

he

"Just f***in great," he said "I'm actually goanna read the bible..."

said.

"You dare deceive Belial?" the creature smiled with a twist of his wrist.

I do not think "the creature smiled with a twist of his wrist." really works.



I think Charles got away to easily.

With a little more work, this could be a good tale.


Alice
195
195
Review of The Key  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello James,

Here are some notes for you to consider or not:

I think the title is a little blah. It does not stand out.

The key I held in my hand was heavy, as if it carried some ancient burden. It looked like one of those old skeleton keys, but it was gruesomely decorated.

I like things that are a little more subtle. Not everyone does. I think inference is a wonderful thing. I would like to see this toned down just a tad.

The key I held in my hand was heavy. It was one of those old skeleton keys, and gruesomely decorated.


Other than that, I feel that is great opening.


I had no spiritual desire to investigate and to be honest it frightened me, but there is something in the human mind that compels you to investigate the unknown and the occult.

I would cut: "in the human mind".

I knew for sure that this key was evil.

I would cut: "for sure that".


I put the key into my pocket and slid its small cedar box back into its hiding place under a large stone slab. I had been raised a strong Roman Catholic. I was what we called a Priest Demon Hunter, though I had never even had a slight encounter with something as evil and negative as this key.

I think there should be more of a connection between here:

I put the key into my pocket and slid its small cedar box back into its hiding place under a large stone slab.

and here:

I had been raised a strong Roman Catholic. I was what we called a Priest Demon Hunter, though I had never even had a slight encounter with something as evil and negative as this key.

Just a line.


My father had given me the key, and it made me question my faith.

I am not sure why an evil would make anyone question their faith. If anything you would like proof of something truly evil would only enhance your faith.



I had, until this point, believed that he was referring to the key to Heaven; a metaphor for his faith.

Heaven,

Later the poor pope had died because of a sudden stroke and series of "seizures".

I think this should be the other way around.

because of a series of "seizures" and a sudden stroke.


I left the basement and went out to my car.

I think it might be a little better if you established that you were already in the basement before this.


I curtly started the engine and left for the motel of my rented room; an old British Inn.

room,

As a rule, if you but in a conjunction where you place a semicolon, than it good. But if you cannot, than you should not use a semicolon.

I left the basement and went out to my car. I curtly started the engine and left for the motel of my rented room; an old British Inn. England had many and this was one of the oldest. It had no church, but I didn't mind. It was at least within driving distance to the chapel.

I do not think "Inn" should be capitalized.

How many inns in England and otherwise have churches?


When I arrived I was walking through the oddly structured building, fingering the key in my pocket, when I noticed four numbers.

Where were the numbers?


Once inside, I noted the time.

Inside where?

So if the person is stuck in hell, than how are we reading the note?


Now you may think I did not care for this, not so. I think this has the making for a great flash.


I hope you found my notes helpful.



Alice
196
196
Review of Unholy  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello,

Here are some notes for you to consider or not:

One word titles tend to not standout. They are really tough.

The woman in the long black dinner-gown with sparkling sequins – more formal attire then something you should wear to a funeral.

Dinner gowns are always long. You do not need to say so. Sequins sparkle that is what they do. Therefore this too is not very descriptive. I not sure if you could be too formal at a funeral. Isn't that where you should be formal? I think perhaps ostentatious.

Why did I listen to those words? The woman in the long black dinner-gown with sparkling sequins – more formal attire then something you should wear to a funeral.

These two lines do not really connect. I think you are trying to express that the person who was speaking at the funeral was wearing the dress. You should some how say so.

Something was out there: I could hear the footsteps pouncing off the wooden floorboards like a cat chasing a mouse.

Wrong tense.

Something was out there: I heard the footsteps pounce off the wooden floorboards like a cat chasing a mouse.


This has good action, plot and description but it still could use some work. I would go through everything, but I am not sure if want my advice or not. If so please tell me.

The rating reflects the work as is and not what it could be. Should this change, so will my rating.


Alice
197
197
Review of Exiled  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Congratulations!


Your tale has been awarded first in, The Flicker of Madness, contest of March 13, 09.

I really like the idea of the story and all of the research.


Just one more round and we will have this month completed. Then, we will be judging the best flash of the month.


Here is your prize for this round.





As always,

Alice





198
198
Review of Exiled  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello,

Thank you for entering the
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1063687 by Not Available.
. I am pleased that you have found inspriation.

Most of the time I do not like one word titles, but I think this one works.

I really like the opening paragraph.



Now I may be wrong about this but:

From the depths of his tunic he pulled out an ivory hilted knife, noticing the harsh reflection of the sun's last light.

I do not think they wear "tuncs". I think they wear dish-dash-ah.


"Qu'ran", "thobe", "Aalim" were nice touches.


Good tale. Thanks for entering! I hope to see you again!


Alice
199
199
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello,

Thank you very much for entering this round of
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1063687 by Not Available.
. I hope you will be able to find further inspiration in other rounds.

I sorry to say that you are not eligible for this round. Unfortunately, you did not follow all of the rules. You needed to place your story in the forum by a link, such as:

"Invalid Item" 

Your ID number should have replaced the #. If you do not know what an ID is, please ask.

****

Here is my review:

The title is not bad. It is not great either. One word titles are hard.


Joe’s face was a rictus grin of abject terror and blood was streaming from his eyes as he ran from the tunnel.

Please consider:

Joe’s face was a rictus grin of abject terror and blood streamed from his eyes as he ran from the tunnel.


“Will this stop your army now?” It asked, the stink of its brimstone breath filling the air.

it asked,


I am sworn to protect this land and its peoples.” The creature hissed, as its wings unfurled and beat at the sky.

peoples," the


He had come to terms with the idea of dying in war but not to be burned to death by a devil

Opps, you forgot your period.


{b]
Cradling the scorched body in its hands the djinn smiled “I should thank you little man.

smiled.

You freed me and though you won this war my people will take back this land and with my aid none shall prevail against us.”

war; my

aid,


I like that you got how epic a djinn could be. I wish this had a little more description.


I do hope you will try again. You never know where a flash might lead.


I know my rating is low. However, if you work on it and tell me, I will be happy to come back and give it another read. I am sure my rating would change.



Alice
200
200
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
In case you have not guessed it, I am making through you chapters. I feel that is the best way to of any aid. I too am tentatively working on vamp novel. It is very different from yours.

Okay, more notes...

I turn my inner thoughts out and project sensuality and sex through every pore.

I think sensuality and sex are too close. I think you should either remove one or change one.



He’s olive skinned with dark hair and dark eyes, fit of form and tight of body. He is dressed in a black Italian suit that looks like it was custom made for him. He might be the Antonio I have listed in the file. His power radiates off him like a calling card. It labels him as one of the undead. I can tell by the feel of it as it pushes against my senses that he’s been dead about 50 years. His eyes zero in on me as my desire coils about him like a snake. His nostrils flare as he takes a deep breath in and he sighs as he walks to the front desk. “I’d heard this place was like candy for your soul, but I had no idea.” Like most predators, he focuses on the prey in front of him, and doesn’t spare a glance at the lobby around him.~2~

I think some of the sentences that start with pronouns. I feel it bogs down a prose.


It occurs to me that in some places that the story might be better served if you were to allow Viv to hear thoughts, so as:


He obviously hopes to taste my power and see for himself just what my voluptuous body holds.

My reason are: it would expand the world and it seems odd that she would say "Voluptuous". But if he were to think this...

He is sexy and I want him, and he knows it.

I think this is a place that needs more...

There are double french doors that close the entrance to each wing off from the cavernous lobby.

French


On the main floor, the pool is in the east wing, it’s ceiling rising two stories.

its


A lot are original first editions.

I do not think you need "original".


I always advise the guests to peruse the erotica section, you never know where you might pick up something new to try.

section;


I note each individual’s reaction to the room around them and the feelings running across their features.

I note each individual’s reaction to the room around him or her and the feelings running across their features.

I note individual’s reaction to the room around them and the feelings running across their features.


I assume it is his mate, the lush brunette, that has her hand resting in the nook of his arm.

brunette that

I create a barrier in their minds, they will look everywhere but at me.
minds;



I focus again on my minds eye and see my lovers wet mouth.


lover's


I know the spot you need it most.....let me ease you....~25~

most... let



I look up and see women cling to the person standing closest, men reach a steadying hand to the front desk or a nearby piece of furniture.

closest;

The ending here was very good.








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