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26
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Review of You're Here  
Review by Mistress Mayhem
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Tealheadlight !After reading "You're Here" , I offer you these comments:


*Check1* First Impression:

A very senual and passionate piece, With very little details you have done a great job creating two very real characters. Good work!!



*Check1* What I liked :

I love your use of imagery and your details really work and bring to the reader a sense of love and beauty, as well as sorrow. I really enjoyed the fact that you were able to use your words to effectively show the reader, rather than just teling.






*Check1* Suggestions:

Just a few things though. I would love to know more about the sadnes and the pain here. Why? Who is the man in the piece? I believe that you could improve this and bring even more feeling to your piece by giving the man a lable. Husband? Boyfriend? Lover? Is he a ghost? What? Telling this might strengthen any emotional ties the reader has to your characters..

kissing me so softly that it makes me want to cry.

I can't understand why you put that the kiss is making you want to cry when you have stated numerous amounts of time that you are already crying.


*Check1* Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:

There are a few stand out errors I detected on top of the fact that you need to go through this piece and capitalize all of your "I".

and my swollen scarlet lips crave for the wonderful warmth of your mouth once again.

You do not need the "for" in this sentence. It reads much better without it.

I answer throuthfully, feeling my heart race and my head spin with love.

What is that word? "throuthfully"? I can only guess that you mean truthfully?"

and I see your handsome face blue in the silvery moonlight

you need a comma after face.

You tenderly, lovingly wipe my tears away with your pale fingers, melting me into your hands, and than dive for my lips, kissing me so softly that it makes me want to cry.

You need a comma after lovingly. And you should replace "than" with "then"






*Star*

Overall I personally found this to be an emotional and passionate read. Something I really enjoyed. Wonderful! I found that your voice is intriguing and engaging, drawing the reader in. This was touching. Thank you for sharing. Write on!!


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Review of A Bad Day  
Review by Mistress Mayhem
Rated: E | (4.5)
I absolutely loved this read, it was the most entertaining piece that I have read all day. I couldn't help but to comment. You have really stepped outside of the box with this, and that's something that is risky and sometimes pretty hard for most people to do. I enjoyed the way that you used the superstitions so creatively and I could not stop smiling and laughing. You also have a unique and engaging writing voice that works so well for this. I can usually go on and on and point out every little thing, But I felt that this was wonderful, interesting and entertaining and definately worth all of the four reads I gave it. Thank you so much for sharing!! Write on!!

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Review of Lamplight Sonnet  
Review by Mistress Mayhem
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Billy !  I read "Lamplight Sonnet"  and wanted to offer you this review:




Emotional Impact:

I feel that you described the path toward wisdom and enlightenment very well, and your use of imagery was very clever and original. Using the lamp as a guiding light was a great choice, and one that people would be able to understand and grasp.

I liked how you described the people who are lost as wondering around in the darkness of ignorance, and are stumbling around aimless without the light of wisdom.


Effectiveness of Form:

This is a good example of a sonnet. I found that there were a few slips as far as the syllables go, as far as I know there should be 10 per line, but there were two lines where I found only nine.
(Line five, and Line three)


Punctuation and Grammar:

But in disparate eyes it proves fluent.

desperate


*Star*Closing comments: 

Overall I feel that you did an excellent job painting a picture for the reader, and showing about the path toward wisdom. I liked that your piece had a smooth flow and your words were chosen very wisely. You stuck to the point and it was very effective. Great job as always!! write on!

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29
Review of Inner Ultimatum  
Review by Mistress Mayhem
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Loovie !After reading "Inner Ultimatum" , I offer you these comments:


*Check1* First Impression:

A pretty interesting piece of work, and admittedly a little above average for someone who is only in 8th grade. You have an obvious skill for writing, but this piece still needs quite a bit of work as far as clearing things up and answering any questions that the reader might have about the piece and it's plot.



*Check1* What I liked :

I enjoyed the descriptions which were subtle and yet still effective to paint a picture for the reader



*Check1* Suggestions:

There were a few things that seemed out of place here. For starters, I got really confused with paragraph four, and wondered why it was even there. What was the significance of putting that explanation about Spencer in right there? Also who is Spencer? Is he a detective or a Scientist? Is he a young man? or ... I didn't get an answer to any of those questions from that so I didn't get its relevance.

I would have loved to know more about exactly who the narrator was, and more about his connection to the events of the story.

Near the end I felt that the part where the narrator comes across the brother shooting Jeremy's killer was a bit rushed. I feel that should have been a part that was full of suspense and tension as well as a bit more emotion and what you wrote just did not deliver this. You never even mention much about how the narrator reacts to witnessing something like that, doing that might have brought the reader closer to your characters.



*Check1* Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:


My situation with them was perhaps a one-of-a-kind.

This might flow a little better without the first "a" which is really kind of unnecessary.




*Star*

Over all I felt that this was a good read, and entertaining even with all the questions that I was asking myself when I was finished. I feel that you have the potential to develop into a great writer. Good job!! write on!!


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Review by Mistress Mayhem
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi A.M Browning !After reading "The Story of the Sock Monster" , I offer you these comments:





*Check1* First Impression:

An amazing story in my eyes about the power of a childs imagination.





*Check1* What I liked :

I love how your words and imagery brings the world of the alive.
I enjoyed the way that a lot of the things you said were so valid. Like when the 6 year old thinks that his sister who is only eight is so much wiser than himself. Of course two years makes all the difference to a child that young! I so liked the childlike confidence displayed there. wonderful.

You dialogue was very good, and believeable for young children, and the Sock Monster also had appropriate dialogue, and seemed more like a "grown up". You also had a well thought-out and satisfying ending. yay!!




*Check1* Suggestions:

I have only one suggestion, and that is to separate the paragraphs when different people are speaking. That way there is no confusion over who is speaking and when, and the reader will have an easier time reading.




*Check1* Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:

I found only one mistake here.

I was to busy taking in it's appearance.

"to should be written as "too"




*Star*

Great job I loved this. It was a wonderful example of a childrens story, and worked very will with your fantastic writing style. great work!! write on!


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31
Review by Mistress Mayhem
Rated: E | (4.0)
This had great imagery and was well written I love your writing voice and the way that you seem to go above and beyond to show the reader what you are writing about. I love that. Describing is something that seems to come easily for you, but you need to be careful that your descriptions do not get in the way of the story. There were a few errors here, but they were mostly comma placement. I feel that you have a habit of making two sentences stand together as one. That is only my opinion.

I really suggest that you look over all your pieces and split paragraphs where different people talk. That way you are clearly showing us that so and so spoke, and now this other person is speaking... I hope that makes sense. This was a great job. I enjoy your writing. Wonderful.

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Review of Midnight Apology  
Review by Mistress Mayhem
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Nancy's Pen !After reading "Midnight Apology" , I offer you these comments:


*Check1* First Impression:

This was a great job putting an image of this young couple in the readers mind. I felt that your description of the piece was accurate and the apology at the end was indeed sincere.


*Check1* What I liked :

I liked that you took the time to describe things and tried to paint a scene for the readers, rather than just telling what was going on. This was a plus for you. You have a great writing voice and i'm glad to see that you used it well



*Check1* Suggestions:

You have a good hold on usuing adjectives and such. Maybe you overuse them. Every little thing here, has an adjective attached. I am the first to be able to understand using details. I love to throw them all in there but there comes a time when it gets distracting. That is also something I have been told before. I have recently started understanding. There is such thing as too many describing words, it gets all jumbled.

I also suggest that you separate this into smaller paragraphs, to make it easier to read, and break apart where the two of them speak. So it's clear who is speaking and when.

It was clear that the man made a "sincere apology", but I also felt that you might have made it more important to the story. As it is, I felt it was a lot of build up to that small part of the piece.



*Check1* Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:

There isn't really a problem of your spelling or grammar but of your punctuation and the way you place them. Also you use a lot of words. Below I point out where things were confusing, and I offer comments or suggestions on how I would improve it. These are just my opinion and should be ignored if you don't find them helpful as I intended them to be.

She lay quietly besides him, her pale, delicate legs were tangled in the dark, deep blue sheets, and her chesnut, short hair was sprawled over the soft linen pillows.

You don't need the "s" at the end of beside. This is a confusing sentence because of all the pausing caused by the commas. If you want to pause more maybe consider making it two or three sentences, switching some words around, and improving the quality of the flow.

Here is a suggestion.

She lay quietly beside him. Her pale delicate legs were tangled in the dark deep blue sheet,short chestnut hair sprawled over the soft linen pillows.

She lay on her side, her chest moving upwards, and descending as as oxygen filled her lungs, and her breathing evened, as she was gradually drawn into the world of dreams.

This is also an awkward sentence. You don't need the comma after upwards, or lungs. You have one too many "as" in there. This is two sentences forced to stand together as one. I have to suggest breaking them apart and letting them be the two sentences they want to be. Why would her chest descend when oxygen is filling her lungs? I feel there is too much information here.

I suggest getting rid of some extra things, and cleaning this up a bit.

She lay on her side, her chest rising and falling as her breathing evened, and she was gradually drawn into the world of dreams.This is saying the same thing, in a more concise manner.I don't believe this takes away from the picture you were painting but it does not confuse either.


He sighed as he sat up on the bed, ruffling the darkened, thin sheets, and leaning his head against the wooden walls of the cozy, small bedroom, watching intensely as her shillouette was bathed by the silvery, melancholic light reflected by the full moon.

This is a great sentence and it's full of imagery, but it is very wordy and it feels like you are forcing all these words to be one sentence. Also "Shillouette" should be "silhouette"

I suggest:

He sighed as he sat up on the bed, ruffling the darkened, thin sheets. Leaning his head against the walls of the small bedroom, he watched her silhouette intensely, bathed in the silvery, melancholic light of the full moon.

He felt the warmth of her back blend in with his own, and yet, her shaking did not stop, and her hold on the attenuate bedsheets tightened.

You misused the word "Attenuate" The definition of this word according to Webster's dictionary is: : reduced especially in thickness, density, or force 2 : tapering gradually usually to a long slender point <attenuate leaves> None of these makes much sense to use. perhaps finding a different word would work?

That was when a soft cry echoes through the room, directly to his regardful ears.

You have switched the tense here

*Star*

Great job, I really enjoyed this piece!! write on I hope to hear more from you!!


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Review of ???  
Review by Mistress Mayhem
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a great start to what might be a very interesting story. I would love to hear more. It is clear just by this little bit that you've got here that you have some real talent for weaving a tale and using your words creatively. You do a great job with that here. You are writing this in first person and in the present tense so you should strive to keep it in the present tense. I see here you have already started making the most common error people make when writing in this way.:

Now all I can do is wait because he had already made up his mind and I knew what was going to happen next…

It's good to catch this now. It's not easy to write this way without thinking about it, sometimes for some it can be a challenge. But from what I see you are able to rise up to that challenge. Keep up the great work. Write on!

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Review by Mistress Mayhem
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
How amazing of you to share something so intimate. So many people lock themselves away when they suffer from disorders such as these, but I am in full agreeance with you. You shouldn't be ashamed and hide from the world, orfeel that there is no place for you.

You say it perfectly: So for all of you who were given some tainted lemons, like me, get out there and do everything you can to make some kickass lemonade.

This is a clear and inspirational message, that we should all learn. It doesn't just pertain to disablilty, but to all things in life that aren't exactly like we would like them to be, or imagined they would be. This is a great piece of writing, with so few words so much was said. I loved the light tone, and the way you were able to talk about this serious disorder in a way that wasn't too heavy. I would love to hear more from you. Thank you for sharing. Write on!

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Review by Mistress Mayhem
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello !  I read "P.S. You know I love you.."  and wanted to offer you this review:




Emotional Impact:

I very much enjoyed this piece of writing, it was bare, and to the point and excitingly sensual, but not sexual. I liked how you did that. good job! You're writing voice really worked for you here, and I think you did a great job conveying to the reader the feelings your two characters were feeling.


Effectiveness of Form:

You're words were meaningful. This read, to me, more like poetry because of the pauses and breaks, and the way that you described the feelings in a raw and poetic kind of way. That's just how I felt reading it, especially in lines like this:

..He became Her addiction…like a drug….Her drug of choice….invading Her thoughts…intoxicating Her mind…messing up Her life….and She…She was flying high….higher than she possibly could …or was allowed to…just wanting more..and more

I really enjoyed this piece, I can't say how other people will take it but I thought it was fabulous!! I felt that your unique way with words brought something great to this piece, and I love the way you chose to write it. It was just like the feelings of your characters. The words were Confused, and passionate, hesitant yet longing, just like the woman in the piece. Great job!


Punctuation and Grammar:

I feel like there was an error in the first line. Did you mean word or world?


*Star*Closing comments: 

This was a great piece of writing, that I really enjoyed. I enjoyed the style in which you presented this. Great job. I would love to hear more from you. Write on!!

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Review of Day 3-Rock Bottom  
Review by Mistress Mayhem
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Iris Aria !After reading "Day 3-Rock Bottom" , I offer you these comments:




*Check1* First Impression:
This was a unique and intriguing read, that kept me intrested. Wondering what was going to happen next.



*Check1* What I liked :

I like the way that you described the falling, and the sense of things racing by and the way that you used your words to create an image. I love the way that you conveyed to the reader the sense of helplessness in the falling girl, how the falling was all she ever knew.


*Check1* Suggestions:

The first paragraph, while great in the description was a little bit wordy. I felt while reading that you'd repeated yourself and had a bit of a hard time trying to get across what you wanted the reader to see and feel.

There are a lot of extra words here just to get across the idea and image of the cliffside. When describing something like this, i feel that you should be neater, and more concise. I don't mean that you shouldn't have any details, but that your details should get right to the point. Right to her fear, her helplessness, and need for this to be over. Right now it's kind of straying from the point with all the extra words.

Of the stone wall beside her, whooshing past the dark grey blur that was the rocks and boulders that made up the stone wall, well it was really more of a cliff.






*Check1* Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:

There were not that many errors in this piece. good job!!

The dim grey of the Abyss started to change, first going completely black and then lightning so that she could see much better.

Here you use the word "lightning" to describe the color or lack of becoming brighter. It should be "lightening" Lightning being the weather kind of lightning.






*Star*

This was a good read, and an interesting one, I would love to hear more about this one, and more of your unique and attention grabbing writing. Thank you for sharing this. Write on!! yay


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*anything mentioned in this review is only my opinion based on what I have read. I am not an expert so feel free to ignore if you dont find it helpful as I intended it to be.

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Review of Witch Hunt  
Review by Mistress Mayhem
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Necroben !After reading "Witch Hunt" , I offer you these comments:

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You are being rewarded with this review by "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS"  [E] for giving such awesome reviews! Keep up the great work!! If you would like to contact us or request a review of one of your own items, feel free to visit "Reviewing Reviewers Public Forum"  and let us know!!






*Check1* First Impression:

Written with care, and attention to details, even with a word limit this very well. It was a joy to experience.





*Check1* What I liked :

I loved the description of the people, that was a unique and clever way of saying things. Wonderful

Mouths gaped and eyebrows crawled across scalps as they witnessed their folly.

I liked how you made the fire have the adverse effect on the witch. Instead of killing her, it made her better and stronger, even younger.


I loved both versions of the story. Great job!



*Check1* Suggestions:

I don't have any suggestions for this wonderful flash of creativity.





*Check1* Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:

no errors in this area.



*Star*

Great job, on this I thought it was a really great story especially when you only had 300 words to work with. That shows great talent, and writing ability. Write on!! And thank you for being such a wonderful reviewer.

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Review by Mistress Mayhem
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello !  I read "A fire burns in a faraway land"  and wanted to offer you this review:




Emotional Impact:
A piece with a message, tells how people take for granted the things that we are given by the Earth, how we abuse the world and the goods we are given. Who is to blame? This is a great message, and one that makes you think.


Effectiveness of Form:

This is a sonnet, so should follow the rules of one, I have recently come to understand this is supposed to be in the form of a shakespearean sonnet. Which this sort of Poem you must follow the abab cdcd efef gg rules Also there should be 10 syllables per line. You follow this rule with the first few lines, but as the poem goes on it kind of falls apart as far as sticking to the proper amount of syllables. There are eleven syllables in line eight, there are nine in line eleven and line thirteen and also line fourteen. Reading this poem out loud I never really found the flow that it should have had. This kind of poem should be smooth and flowing lyrical almost and i didn't find that here.



Punctuation and Grammar:

I didn't find anything in this area. yay!



*Star*Closing comments: 

Overall I liked this because of the message it sent out to the reader. Taking care of what we have been given by the world is important, but unfortunately isn't something people think about often enough. With a little bit more attention this can be perfect. Keep up the good work, and write on!!


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Review of I Saw You  
Review by Mistress Mayhem
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Saro !After reading "I Saw You" , I offer you these comments:


*Check1* First Impression:

This was a beaautifully told, sad story, it was one that was felt deeply. I loved it.


*Check1* What I liked :

I liked that I had to keep guessing what was going on for a while before it became obvious, The emotion and pain the character was feeling was so clear, and made a big impact. Your descriptions were great, and fitting to the piece, and I was able to visualize what was happening. Your story was so engaging. I like that it was realistic, and even with little to no dialogue everything came together perfect it was still complete. What was there not to love about this piece? It was well written and well edited and just wonderful.



*Check1* Suggestions:

I don't have any suggestions, everything about this worked well.





*Check1* Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:

I didn't catch any errors in this piece.




*Star*

This was such a good job, I can see that you are very talented and creative with your thoughts, everything here had a great flow, and brought the reader close to your character. I couldn't stop reading once I started this held my attention from start to finish. Bravo!! keep writing!!


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Review of First Anniversary  
Review by Mistress Mayhem
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi Zoe Callahan !After reading "First Anniversary" , I offer you these comments:


*Check1* First Impression:

as I read this piece I thought that it was something that described a scene that people probably face everydat when they are in an unhappy relationship


*Check1* What I liked :

I enjoyed the way that you used your characters in this, throughout the piece you kept the characters active and moving and this kept me interested to see what would happen next



*Check1* Suggestions:

The way that you wrote this makes it sound like the problems are mostly the woman's fault. she is kind of short tempered and unsupportive. He is the one that seems to be making the effort here. If this isn't what you wanted to convey I think that you should rethink how you present them.

I didn't feel like I knew much about the characters, I dont know anything about Steven's thoughts at all, I would have liked to hear about how he felt in all this.

I also didn't feel this was very prose like. Which is what you indicated. It kind of had one tone through out the piece, the flow was a little off. I would have liked to see more attention paid to the fact that in a situation like this, there would have been A LOT of tension, you even say there was an awkward silence, I wasn't feeling the tension though. I suggest making it a little longer, and giving both characters a voice. I'd like to hear more from Steven.

Also painting a scene to put your characters in might help over all


*Check1* Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:
You didn't have that many errors in this area.

“HAPPY? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK IT IS? WELL, SORRY TO BURST YOU BUBBLE, BUT THIS IS NOT HAPPY!”

"you" should be Your.



*Star*

Overall I think this was a good start but it still needs a little work. I guarentee when you flesh it out with some details and balance you characters it will get great ratings. everyone loves to read a little drama. Keep working on it, and write on!!



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Review by Mistress Mayhem
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)

Hi ! Hello1 After reading "That Fateful day Chapter 1 revised" , I offer you these comments:






*Check1* First Impression:

An Interesting addition to the site. I enjoyed your unique writing voice, and style. As I read I felt that this had the potential to be a very good story, one that was original.




*Check1* What I liked :

I liked the way that the story was told. You used your own unique voice and it made the piece interesting. I liked that this wasn’t full of your usually college story things. It didn’t start off with a wild party and drinking, like I’ve seen many pieces do, instead a girl relaxing and studying.



*Check1* Suggestions:


I would love to see you do more describing of the scene and what is going on in it. Here you just state simply: Fay was sitting on her dorm room bed. It had some colorful blankets on it. Her computer was on the desk next to her bed and the song "Home" by Chris Daughtry was blaring from it. This would have been a great opportunity to show the reader Fay’s surrounding and put us in the scene.

The window let in what little sun was left in to the room.

Try saying. The window let was little sunshine was left into the room. This will eliminate the extra In and make this sentence a little less wordy. Making it less wordy will help with the flow in this case.

I would like to see more attention paid to making the characters more real for the reader. I don’t know what either of the girls look like by the end of the passage besides, what colour hair they have. Just take a moment to describe Kelsey as she walks into the room, talk about her as if she is a person that you are seeing in real life. Is she tall? What color hair? Slim? Confident? Beautiful?

What about the other character Matt. All you say about how he looks is … “she gave the boy with brown hair and brown eyes a hug…”

Here is another example of an opportunity missed:


Once they got into the cafeteria, Fay looked to see what was in the main line. It looked like goop, certainly nothing she wanted so she looked to see how long the line was for pasta and saw that it was starting to go out the door, so she settled for the sandwich line. She wasn't extremely hungry anyway. After getting two slices of whole wheat bread and two slices of American cheese she headed over to a table where a bunch of friends were. Daniel, who was the tallest guy ever was talking with his fiancé Melina, who had red hair about their wedding plans. Joe, who was wearing a shirt with a dragon on it and had dark blonde hair was talking with Eric, who was wearing glasses and a black shirt, and Gary who was wearing cowboy boots and a Hawaiian shirt, about their characters from World of Warcraft. Giselle who was blonde and who was considered Fay's twin and Laura who had brown hair and was wearing green, were talking about what their dream weddings would be like, they were inspired by Daniel and Melina. Anya who was wearing black and Tara who was wearing a shirt with the chemical formula for chocolate written on it were talking about their drawing class. They were both art majors and were in the same class. Fay sat down next to Giselle and started looking around the table. She smiled.

I feel you could fill out the story here, by going into a little more detail, you could give us a little more insight on Fay as well. You introduced these people by their clothes and hair colors, as seen through Fay’s eyes. I feel that you might make the most of a piece like this by showing more about the character, and giving a little info about what Fay feels. Also maybe consider breaking up this passage, not making her notice all at once. It’s overload for the reader. Constantly thinking now… oh which was that? The blonde with the chocolate shirt or the boy with the glasses?

Why did someone attack her in the cafeteria? I would have liked to know more about her feelings as this happened to her. I hope that comes next. Did the other people react?





*Check1* Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:


You didn’t have that many spelling or punctuation errors.

They sat at every meal they could together, and they could have 10 conversations with only 8 people going on at one time about entirely different topics, which meant you were in more then one conversation.

Try writing out the numbers, And use “than” instead of “then”.









*Star*

I think that this is turning out very well, It doesn’t seem to be your average college story at all. I liked hearing your own personality and voice come through in your writing, that made it different. With just a little polishing this will be something great. Thank you for sharing!! I’d love to see more of your work.

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Review by Mistress Mayhem
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)

Hi ! Analog After reading "Chapter 1: Forsaken Intruder" , I offer you these comments:










*Check1* First Impression:


This was a good idea, coming from a unique and creative mind. There was a clear effort put forth here to bring to life a story that has some very interesting and unusual elements. . .





*Check1* What I liked :


I liked the fact that you incorporated characters of a different species that you came up with. That shows a great amount of creativity and focus. I enjoyed the fact that as I read I could tell this was something you were excited to try to bring to life, through your words.



*Check1* Suggestions:


There are many punctuation and pov problems though out the piece. You also had a problems keeping with just one Point of view. You started the piece off like a story being told but then you switched to first person again. There were also parts where this began to read more like someone telling us just general things about a character. If you start with one pov you should carry that through the whole piece. Just stick with it.


I also feel that you need some work on your dialogue, as I read what the people were saying I found that it wasn’t reading very naturally, and almost comically. You labeled this as an action adventure, then it should really drawn in the reader. Working with your dialogue is a good place to start. It should be natural and not forced, flowing realistically. I suggest breaking this huge block of words into smaller more readable paragraphs, and also starting a new paragraph when a new person speaks. This will also help with readability.

I didn’t feel that I got to know any of the characters in the story, development of a character, especially one in a fantasy that you made up is important. I did not feel that I experienced the story which is something that is very important to a reader.

*Check1* Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:
Y

ou have quite a few punctuation problems here, but I will only list a few.

Long ago, in the forbidden realm of Obsidian there were two sides to choose
There should be a comma after Obsidian.

These two groups have been going to war with each other for centuries but things had slowed down for a little bit when both sides lost the Commander in battle.

you should have a comma after “bit”.

There homeland and family was destroyed by Centaurs and Trolls, They couldn't take it anymore and wanted to take revenge for their family

“There” should be written as Their Since you are talking about people. “They” should not be capitalized.

Soon after different races joined "Night Haven" like the Humans, Dwarves and Werewolves.
You need a comma after… Soon after.

There were also a few spaces where I saw you indicate that someone had spoken but there were no quotation marks of any kind.


*Star*


This could be a original and exciting read, with a bit of help, and work on the point of view and the overall structure of the piece. I feel you may have something new to bring to this genre with your unique ideas and writing voice. Keep up the good work!!


*Anything mentioned in this review is my own opinion. I do not claim to be an English expert, so please take my words for what they are, an attempt to be helpful.

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Review of Gramma's Teeth  
Review by Mistress Mayhem
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi ! Robert Martin After reading "Gramma's Teeth" , I offer you these comments:






*Check1* First Impression:

I enjoyed the picture painted by you in every line and paragraph. I loved the way you brought to life all your characters even without really describing anyone but the grandmother. This piece showed how the death of someone close to you, especially a family member can affect everyone.




*Check1* What I liked :


I liked that your piece had four real characters even though you only described one. The narrator the girl is haunted by her memory of the dead grandmother’s teeth. The mother is hurt by the death and hiding her pain behind a flimsy facade, and the father is the type who would rather attribute his daughter’s problems to her period or hormones rather than admit there is a problem when she comes to him.


I adored your descriptions they added a little something special to the piece. Although there weren’t many, aside from the ones for the grandmother, they were more than enough to paint a picture of this family and how they dealt with the loss of the grandmother.
I loved the ending to this story it was very appropriate.



*Check1* Suggestions:

I would have liked to know a little more about the girls feelings toward the grandmother’s death and the haunting. Was she afraid of the hunting, or was it just a little disturbing? You talk about fear but you never say if that’s how she is feeling or not.




*Check1* Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:

I never found too many punctuation errors this was a very well edited story. But there are a few.

I don't know if I'm really hearing it or if it's a phantom sound, like the irritating tune that echoes in your mind long after the radio has been switched off.

There should be a comma after the first “it”.

That's because a half hour ago I finally plucked up the courage to lift the lid on the white plastic box.

you need a comma after because and after ago




*Star*

I enjoyed reading this piece greatly, your words had a great flow to them, and your descriptions made this well worth my time. Thank you for sharing. Keep up the great work.

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Review of Silhouette  
Review by Mistress Mayhem
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hello ! I read "Silhouette"  and wanted to offer you this review:



Emotional Impact:

Reading this poem was a pleasure, you painted a clear picture with your words and told a classic story of betrayal. I loved how I could feel that there was a whole story here and it had subtle undertones of pain, and bitterness, and hurt.


Effectiveness of Form:


The imagery in this wonderfully written Terza Rima style poem was great!! Even in so few words you were able to pull the reader into the scene story with your clever use of alliteration:

Like swirling Smoke from a midnight cigarette,

a fuzzy concept forever fast fades
away at the grim sight of a silhouette

I felt as I read these lines, how the narrators already shaky confidence with the concept of love forever just vanished into thin air as if it never was.

There are just a few things to point out. Traditionally Terza Rima poems should have eleven syllables per line, and you have a poem here which goes back and forth between eleven and ten syllables, ten syllables would be used in a terza Rima Sonnet, which this is not, since it is missing the last two lines which would classify it as such. Going back and forth shows your creativity, and desire to try something new with this, but there is also one line which has twelve syllables. This did not hurt the rhyme of the poem, but can you still call it a Terza Rima when it doesn’t fit the criteria?



Punctuation and Grammar:

I did not find anything in the way of punctuation and grammar problems here, I felt that everything worked well together to make this piece as great as it was.



*Star* Closing comments:

I really like this poem, flaws or not I loved it, I liked the story that was told with so few words and how well it was done. I enjoyed thoroughly the images and details within. I think you have tons of talent and with a little work on this it will soon be a perfect Terza Rima.


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Review of A Narrow Escape  
Review by Mistress Mayhem
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi ! Dr.Professor After reading "A Narrow Escape" , I offer you these comments:


*Check1* First Impression:

This was a great piece that was full of great images and description. The reader put some real thought into what was written, and worked hard to bring the story to life.




*Check1* What I liked :


I liked how you used your words to describe the man in ways that were not too overwhelming. You had a lot of detail but it wasn’t overdone. Your character was well done, and believable, and although this was a slightly longer piece it was easy to like and a joy to experience.
I liked the subtle way you showed the readers the relationship between Leryn and Ryder. Is there something more than what it seems?




*Check1* Suggestions:


His birch wood guitar thumped into his horse’s rear, previous merry tunes seeming to still emanate from the frayed strings themselves, last night’s fiasco at the inn still ringing in his ears.



I feel, as I read this that it should be broken into two sentences to make for a better flow. His birch wood guitar thumped into his horse’s rear, previous merry tunes seeming to still emanate from the frayed strings themselves. Last nights fiasco at the inn still rang in his ears.

Also, maybe consider changing it from “thumped into his horses rear.” *Right* “thumped against his horses rear.”




The horse panted exhaustedly, and Ryder, feeling his pain, pulled slightly on the worn reigns, slowing his horse to a swift walk. Ryder collapsed forward onto the horse’s neck, his night of riding tiring him to point of deep sleep. He kept his eyelids barely open, sweat dripping down his nose, and hanging there like icicles. He made no effort to wipe it, though, only slightly staying awake, as his horse continued his meandering walk, Ryder slumped on his neck.


This reads a bit awkwardly as well. But I can’t quite put my finger on why.

Moonlight bathed the room in an eerie light every time she woke, her coarse blanket a pearly white color.

this also reads strangely. Maybe you could try is as: Every time she woke, moonlight bathed the room in an eerie light, staining her coarse blanket a pearly white color. this will really help the flow of the line.

I think you should do a little more to bring the character of Leryn closer to the reader. Both the characters are great. I feel that Ryder can become a well planned and well rounded character, but I felt that I barely knew anything about Leryn and she seemed to come out of no where. I would have loved to hear more about Ryder’s escape from his pursuer.




*Check1* Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:


There are quite a few places where you have some grammar issues but other than that, this is a pretty well edited piece.

careful of how the verb tense changes here!

The crisp weather bit into his thoughts, wearing raw his already red cheeks, the brisk breeze sweeping his horse’s mane and tail up into the air, characteristically.

This reads a little awkward to read. Maybe replacing sweeping with swept will help.



*Star*

I enjoyed this read and where it left off. I feel that with a little bit of polishing and some care taken to fix some tense changes this can even be great. I can see that this is unique and well thought-out story, and I would love to hear more, about both of your characters.

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Review of Winter Rose  
Review by Mistress Mayhem
Rated: E | (5.0)

Hi ! Reign After reading "Winter Rose" , I offer you these comments:








*Check1* First Impression:


I adored this tale, it was moving and you were so successful in using your words to evoke some real emotion in the reader!! It was a moving and powerful story told in so few words! Bravo to you.






*Check1* What I liked :

What did I not like? I love how you chose to show the passage of time. Without going into all kinds of detail, which would have taken away from the story, you found a way to creatively, and effectively convey to the reader what you wanted to get across!!

I enjoyed the tone of the piece! It was full of love, and just enough sadness at the start to be moving. The romance theme of the story was classic in nature, and very emotional in a subtle way. Also, the tone that you used here, made it seem like a fairy tale. You took your time, and still managed to move the story forward at an appropriate pace.

Your descriptions were beautiful, subtle and well arranged in the story, you successfully painted a picture of true, and undying love for the reader. I loved it!!

Although there wasn’t much description of the characters you still made them real for the reader, and in something so short that is a great accomplishment. The reader could feel the love and passion suggested through the content of the piece. I love the dialogue, it was heartfelt, and although it isn’t something people commonly say to express feelings it was very well done.






*Check1* Suggestions:


I would only suggest that you make the places where the characters speak into separate paragraphs! This way the reader can read more smoothly when each person speaks, and there is no room for confusion.







*Check1* Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:


You have a well written and carefully edited piece here, I could not find any real error in spelling, grammar and punctuation.




*Star*

This is a piece that I truly enjoyed, and could read over and over and never get tired. It is short and sweet, and gets right to the point. And it is a beautiful tale. I loved it!! Keep up the good work!!


Vampyfae
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Review of Her Lament  
Review by Mistress Mayhem
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello ! I read "Her Lament"  and wanted to offer you this review:




Emotional Impact:


The poem was smooth and haunting, and sad. Pain for the lover lost was evident in the words.
I love how there is the glimmer of hope at the end that maybe one day things would be okay again.



Effectiveness of Form:

Sucessfully included many sound devices which served to enhance the flow and smooth rhythm of the poem.
I love your use of assonance with within this line:

The haunting tones of loneliness

Writing it this way really made me feel the sorrow that the woman was feeling, It sounded sad, and really made it that much more convincing.

There were also great examples of consonance that really helped with the overall tone and rhythm of your very well written piece. Here are just a few that I found:


~ I pray that someday she will see


~ The prior beauty must surely delight


~ As the sun will rise for her broken heart


I feel that your use of sound devices only helped to enhance the feeling and meaning behind your poem. This also made it easy to read and understand. I love that there was a clear cut rhythm.





Punctuation and Grammar:

I really don’t see much in the way of punctuation or grammatical error, I felt as I read though that maybe a comma at the end of the first like in the last stanza would make it read a little better.


*Star*Closing comments:


Overall I think this was a great poem!! You used your words in a way that made the reader feel what you were writing about, and that’s something!! This was an excellent piece of writing, I loved it!! Keep up the great work!!!!


Vampyfae
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Review of My Living Jewel  
Review by Mistress Mayhem
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello ! I read "My Living Jewel"  and wanted to offer you this review:




Emotional Impact:

This was a very sexy poem without being too over the top, your descriptions were very well thought out, and your thoughtfulness reflected your love for your wife.




Effectiveness of Form:

You were very successful in showing the reader what you see, through your flawless use of creative metaphors. I loved how you kept up the idea that your wife was your JEWEL! Giving each of her body parts the name of an appropriate gem took clever thinking and you showed great cleverness here!

I also liked that even the rhythm of your poem seemed to be loving, and lingering!




Punctuation and Grammar:

I don’t have much to say about punctuation, and Only saw one thing confusing in the 6th line where there is a double use of the.




*Star*Closing comments:

Overall I think this was a great job, and you did well showing us your feelings through your words. You were able to portray you love of your wife’s body in a way that was tasteful and still erotic. I think you did a great job. Keep it up. .

Vampyfae
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Review of The First Rain  
Review by Mistress Mayhem
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi ! Ruhi Sonal After reading "The First Rain" , I offer you these comments:





*Check1* First Impression:


Starting your story I was most impressed with the subject matter, people in countries that do not depend on simple things like the rain, take it for granted. I liked that you chose to write on a subject that was different, eye opening and realistic.


*Check1* What I liked:

You did well with the character of the child, but you never said if it was a boy or a girl until the very end.
I loved that you took a real issue that people are dealing with everywhere and incorporated it into the story. This was a piece that was filled with real life tragedy, struggles, emotion, and a tragic and surprising ending.




*Check1* Suggestions:

I strongly suggest that you take another look at how many times you use I in the beginning. Using I so many times breaks up the action, and detracts from the quality of what can be a very poignant scene. It’s understood that this is written in first person, but there are many creative ways to do this while maintaining that perspective.
Also breaking up the first paragraph may make this an easier read. Try this with the dialogue as well. When a new character speaks, make it a new line. Doing this will make it easier to read. Furthermore, I feel that this story might have benefited more if it was told from a third person point of view. I say this because you might have been able to make better descriptions, and bring the characters in the story out a little more. If it had been written in this way, the reader would not have had to guess the gender of the child. You might also have been able to paint a more vivid picture of the conditions the people were living in. Painting a picture of the poverty your characters were experiencing might have captured a reader much better. First person limits what the reader sees, and Your story being somewhat emotional, and yes, tragic, I would have liked to connect to this world from another perspective.






*Check1* Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:

The only real suggestions that I have as far as your punctuation and Grammar go have to do with your use of commas. Take some time to re read your piece, some sentences sound a little awkward, and could probably flow a lot better if you were to just flip a few words around.
Here are a few examples of where you can make adjustments:

I watched helplessly as her purple veins which were visible through her loose, wrinkled skin tensed with pain, threatening to burst out of her ailing body to set free her angered blood.

This sentence reads a little off, maybe think about switching up the words at the end a little. If you choose not to then perhaps consider that you need a comma after Veins, and also you should stick one in after body to clarify the meaning here.


“Stroke” said someone else,
You need a comma here

I poured out a glass of water from the pitcher and was about to go back inside when my father let out an ecstatic shriek

You need a comma after pitcher


*Star*

Overall I really like what I saw here, I don’t really think it’s absolutely necessary to change the pov, you did a very good job sticking to it. I just feel that it could use a few more details, and more involvement from the other characters. You are a very good story teller, and I really appreciate what you did here. Great work!!

Vampyfae
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Review of Blindsighted  
Review by Mistress Mayhem
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi ! Florence Lieb After reading "Blindsighted" , I offer you these comments:


*Check1* First Impression:


I was very interested in the start of the story. I liked that there was a smooth transition from the boy being in the other place, to him returning to reality.
Could have used a little more detail when talking about his surroundings in the hospital. This would have been a perfect opportunity to place the reader right at the scene.


*Check1* What I liked :


I loved the fact that the point of view in your story is consistent, which is sometimes hard to do when using first person, It’s easy to mess up there. Your choice to use first person in this piece was a good one, and did well in enhancing the drama. The story seemed a little surreal, and yet, believable.
I was impressed with the fact that you were still able to successfully make two solid characters come from this, even though there wasn’t much description of either one involved. You painted a clear picture of each, through your descriptions of actions and the situation. The Neither boy’s name was ever mentioned, yet this was not really necessary, it was very mysterious. The plot was intriguing, and very interesting. The way that you put it all together drew the reader in.
I enjoyed the way that you painted a picture of the events in the other world the boy traveled to, it forced the reader to have to wonder at what was being seen by the boy, and made it a little vague. This added to the intrigue of the story for me.


*Check1* Suggestions:


Derived is used incorrectly here. I’m sure you can see how this word would be incorrect to use here. Also,
There are many instances where you mistakenly use then where than should have been. These are two different words, and unfortunately mistakes like these disrupt the flow of a piece and pulls the reader away from what is happening. Also, I felt like you left the reader hanging a bit, you hinted at what had been happening in the story but I feel that you left a few loose ends.



*Star*


Overall this was a well put together, mysterious, and thoughtful piece. I enjoyed it greatly. Nice job this was a good read.

Vampy
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