thanks for sharing this poem with us at WDC. It was a pleasure to read this poem as I feel it reads much more originally than poems I have read about dance. I like your descritpive writing and feel the pacing of the poem suits the story within the poem very well.
thanks for sharing your poem with us at WDC. This is a pleasant poem that would be delightful for children. I did enjoy reading your poem.
To improve this poem consider something very original about angels to put in your poem. Perhaps a metaphor that has not been used to describe angels before. A little originality will improve this poem very much.
Thanks for sahring your poem with us here at WDC. I do enjoy and relate to you poem. I can relate to going back to places I lived as a child and feeling like this.
To improve your poem consider minimising the repetition of words at the start of lines. This becomes a little too repititous. An occasional repitition can accent a thought or idea but as many as this simply becomes repititious.
Personally I think this poem furthers the sexism that women face rather than highlighting it. The poem does nothing to bridge the gap between the sexes but rather broadens it.
The rhythm is this poem is stilted and needs work likewise the language is not flowing.
Hi Jule,
In writing poetry there are many features which I look at and I use those same features to critique poetry. What I look for in good poetry is
1) structure that matches the tone and topic of the poem.
2) original phrases, topics, and structure.
3) grammar, punctuation
4) that the poem makes sense and each line makes sense.
The structure of your poem could be improved by not using spaces between the lines. The way you have it laid out makes it look wobbly.
I find little originality in this poem. You can add originality to your work by making interesting and original comparisons, letting the reader know something personal and unique about your character, or choosing topics that are not so overdone in poetry.
In poetry many people are taught by misguided fifth grade teachers to start every line of poetry with a capital letter. This is not necessary and not desirable. Poetry only needs capitals at the start of sentences just like other forms of writing.
Over all you poem makes sense however there are individual lines that do not read in a sensical manner. You have pushed and forced the words to fit a rhyme and or to try and sound more poetic. Instead of pressing and poking at words to make them fit find the words that do fit.
Remember that in poetry, more than all other kinds of writing, less is always more. Use less words whenever possible.
Take a look at your poem with just a few alterations and see if this works for you. It is still not perfect but it do you see how the words are relying on their own strength and do not need the extra spacing between them and between lines? Let your words do the work.
Save Me
Sometimes I feel alone,
here by myself, on my own.
I walk through the darkness
hoping not to cross that fine line.
God, send me an angel to my side.
Into the abyss I do not slide.
There is no smile on my face,
I hunger for love's warm embrace.
I walk alone through this garden of life,
I discover my days have become so ungodly.
A life like this I can't take.
Another night alone I can no longer face.
Rescue me my heart so true,
Give me a life that's no longer blue.
Thanks for sharing this poem. It is a good poem that could be better with a little work.
The use of this phrase. "I let these treasures to expend" is forcing a rhyme into place. You may need to totally rewrite this stanz and seek a new rhyme or even skip whyme in this stanza to make this read better.
Overall this is a good poem and one that many readers will relate to very well.
Thanks for sharing your story with us here at WDC.
You have written a good story with believable characters. I find the ending where the doctor decides to donate his own blood a little less believable as this would render him useless for the operating theatre, however if you had him wrangle a nurse or another doctor who was going off-duty into donating blood it would be a bit more believable.
I liked this response very much. “You had a narrow escape from jumping into the deepest abyss ever.” It is a clever quip that I can easily imagine a doctor saying.
The opening paragraph having so many vials of various medication sounds a little more like you are trying to show off some medical knowledge than a good introduction to your story. Having spent 3 months in an ortho ward as a patient I can reassure you not every patient gets injections every day and more often than not the pain medication is deivered in tablet form.
Your opening paragraph should introduce us to the main character, a couple of observations about him and perhaps a few words from him. Give us, the readers, someway to picture him as a person.
Opening paragraphs are very important especially in short stories. They need to be able to hook the reader's attention straight away. If the time of day is important to the story you can introduce the idea of what time of day it is without mentioning a specific time by saying it is evening, or that it has been a long day already or similar things.
To improve your story further try to write without starting so many sentences with the word "I". It takes some practice and thought to write from the first person point of view without the word I but it is perfectly possible and makes for a much better story.
Do work on this story as I think it is a good story that could easily be a great story. I love it that this story is set in an unfamiliar (to me) country and that gives me the idea that I am learning a little about a different culture which is great. It is also good to see the parallels between my culture and the one I am reading about as well as the differences. Personally, I would like to see a bit more of the culture in the story.
I particularly like this poem, the natural rhythm of the language is good. Lines 4 and 5 were very good. I enjoyed your phrase 'grain of thought' too.
To improve this piece you could find a new way to start your sentences than using "And" or "But". Yu could just simply remove them as the poem does fine without them.
thanks for sharing your writing. It is a bitter pleasure to have read this poem as my own older brother has vanished, well not quite, we know he is there somewhere but just doesnt stay in touch.
Needless to say I related really well to this poem. My older brother was known as Bunjie (a bit weird hey!)
Mostly I dislike repetition in poetry however I think it serves its purpose well in this particular poem.
Thanks for sharing your poems here at WDC. I am glad you are not going to kill yourself that would be too great a loss for the world.
Your second poem is far better than the first and is much more original in its phrasing. Your maturity shows in this second poem in your more careful and thoughtful use of words.
I do enjoy story poems and ones about Christmas and children are among my favourites.
It is not necessary to start each line of poetry with a capital, most of our fifth class teachers told us to do this, but it is entirely too much capitalisation.
Consider editing this and not starting any stanzas with words like 'as' or 'but'.
I really enjoyed reading this piece! It is interesting how sayings of others can play out in our lives in different ways.
I really likes this sentence. "Each nail hole, each patch of peeling varnish, each splinter in my hands, is a memory of experiences past, what we’ve gained or what we've lost."
This describes friendship so well! thanks for sharing this with us.
I really enjoyed this afternoon tea and felt the hidden/underlying sadness in it.
It does make me a little envious that this is something that I will not experience as my life has been so different and somehow having a couple of old friends to enjoy tea and cake with would be so comforting. It is nice that I can experience a little of it through your writing.
I enjoy the challenge of writing haiku and like to read what others too have done with this neat form of poetry. Your haiku is neat and fits well in the modern form of haiku.
To make a haiku more traditional, which is not necessary but can be a neat challenge, you can write a haiku that is about a particular point in time, rather than a general time.
Also seasons traditionally are indicated by words that are associated with the season rather than their name. ie. cherry blossoms for spring, or lambs, or daffodils. snow, leafless trees, etc for winter.
Traditional Haiku also are a complete story with an introduction, the first lines, a body, the second line and a conclusion/review, the third line.
I like writing that experiments with our language and to me this story was a neat experiment. Some of the ex words did sound a bit shoved and poked into place at times but as a writing experiment I think it more than served its purpose.
I really liked this phrase. "was left hanging above me to admire like a baby mobile"
Hi Roberta,
this is an interesting essay. Thanks for sharing it with us here at WDC. I was a little disappointed that although Kevorkian is the title your essay contains only two small paragraphs about your thoughts of him and his paintings. I think I would have liked to see a more full critique of his art and just a little more about the man himself.
Thanks for sharing this story with us here at WDC.
It is these everyday occurences and stages of life that so enrich our writing and out lives.
In your opening sentence the word rifling does not really suit what you seem to be wanting to say. Rifling through something is generally like someone hurriedly and messily searching for something. I would suggest using another word.
I really enjoyed this five minutes of escapades and have to agree I cant imagine having little kids now I am past 40. My youngest is 16 and I like it that way.
I am betting Mason and Lexi just adore being with you!
The general tone of the story tends to override any concern for over punctuation or grammar to a reader. It is just too enjoyable to read to worry about such things.
I enjoyed reading your poem very much and it rang very true for me, I know I write for as many reasons as there are leaves on a tree. I like experimental writing and enjoy seeing other writers trying new and different things too. Thanks for sharing this poem with me.
Hi Blompkin,
Thanks for sharing this story with us here at WDC.
This is a well written story with a neat twist at the end. I can't find any fault and can only heap praise on you for a well written story that keeps the reader hooked to the end. It was a pleasure to read this story and even more so to tell you that.
Hi Azriark,
One skill a writer needs to use at all time is called the suspension of disbelief. This means authenticating your poem or story so that the reader can suspend any sense of disbelief long enough to draw them into your story or poem. Here in the early part of your poem you state the time as being 2:15am and then say the crows come out to play. This kind of spoils the suspension of disbelief as crows are not night birds but rather they sleep at night and are active during the day. Choose a noctural bird instead here and you will improve your poem immensely.
The capitalisation at the start of lines is unnecessary unless the start of the line is also the start of a sentence.
All in all it is a good poem with a neat idea at its core.
Thanks for sharing your poem with us here at WDC. When writing poetry it is not necessary or desirbale to use a capital letter at the start of every line. Use capitals only when beginning a new sentence within the poem.
Although you have written a nice poem it is one that is along a similar vein as many other poems. To make your poem stand above the rest you need to present the reader with something new and original to read. A specific description that gives us a new way to look at a flowers death would be good.
thanks for sharing your article here on WDC with us.
I am at once inclined to think that if I were looking for a writer for a particular project I would think of your article as an advertisement for your services. As such it is not a good advertisement as you do not use correct grammar and word choice in the article itself. This would serve to tur prospective service buyers turn aside from your work.
This article has some important points for both writing service providers and consumers. However those points are lost in the layout of the article. There is a little too much back and forth flow in the article and instead of reading as a seamless article that moves naturally through the subject matter a reader is strugging to figure out the proper order of the points.
Keep On Writing
Kind Regards
Cheryl O'Brien
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