You have a pretty good short here, but I think it could stand to be expanded a little.
In particular this line; "The retrovirus I had developed made me immortal, but I soon discovered the virus had escaped; ironically killing humanity.", doesn't have the impact it should. It comes a little too early and feels a little too casual, you should try either hinting at his killing of humanity without outright stating how it happened, or just expand the story a little and make that revelation more of a reveal.
I think it would also benefit from dwelling on his state of mind a bit more, maybe add some scenes that really drive home his loneliness before creating new life, or make his remorse more obvious before the end.
Really good idea though, and still quite atmospheric despite its simplicity.
I'd be happy to revise my review if you make any changes, so don't hesitate to ask.
You really need to break this up into smaller paragraphs or something -- reading it in its current format isn't a very pleasant experience. It might add to the confusing dream-like nature you're going for a little bit, but that doesn't make up for such a dense paragraph.
If you reformat the story or otherwise update it just tell me and I'll revise my review accordingly; good luck.
Decent start -- I feel like you might be overplaying her fear just a tad too much though, it seems strange she would open the door if she were really as terrified as it comes across. You are building a fine atmosphere though.
Maybe you should add a line describing her reaction at the end of the first part, when he reveals he's Eli? Just a thought, it might be a nice touch, but isn't really necessary if you already like it the way it is.
I really like the scene where they're pairing food together -- it's cheesy but in a way that young couples really are.
Overall it was a nice little story, though it didn't stand out terribly well. I think one more scene in there somewhere would have been nice, though I can't say what it should be exactly.
So I'll give you three stars for keeping my attention and leaving me wanting more, plus another half star for some cute scenes and a good atmosphere, particularly at the beginning.
If you revise this story in the future just let me know and I'll update my review accordingly. Good luck!
Well this seems like a decent start -- or outline -- to a mystery/horror story, but there are two problems that I think keep it from being very good (and one minor one that I'll get to).
The first is that it's simply too short, there isn't enough space to develop the mood of the piece or any real mystery for the reader to investigate. I'd recommend lengthening it, but if you absolutely want to keep it this short I think the effect might be better from a third person perspective. A first person perspective implies a personal connection to this story that it's simply too short to get across.
The second problem with it is that it's too generic. A person disappearing into the mist with a ghostly child, never to be seen again, isn't exactly groundbreaking territory. It can still work, and it can still be extraordinarily creepy, but putting a unique spin on the story would really make it stand out.
The minor problem I referred to earlier is in the line:
"What a start to our well earned holiday!"
The sentence seems far too light for the subject matter; it doesn't feel like a real person would say that if they were relating a creepy, tragic story.
But this certainly has potential, so don't give up! Tell me if you re-write it at all and I'll revise my review accordingly.
There's not much to say critically about this one, I think.
It paints a vivid picture, kept my interest all the way through (which, short as the poem is, is quite a feat considering how quickly my patience normally wanes with poetry), and is all around well done.
I can't really give it five stars though. It's just missing that *something* that would separate it from similar nature poems.
But four stars are deserved without reservation.
If you ever change anything be sure to tell me, I'll revise my review accordingly, and good luck.
Good little story! Most of it flowed really well I think, but the "Soon this pain will end and death will rule the earth once more." line seemed kind of hokey coming from one of the characters, even if they didn't say it out loud. The line might work better if it were part of the narration though.
I like your style, it's similar to my own, I'll check the rest of your portfolio out right now.
Also tell me if you make any changes to the story, I'll revise my review accordingly.
This is a difficult item to review, because it feels a little broken. Not in a bad way though, I feel like you intended that.
In fact the best parts of this are your scattered depictions of a decaying world, and the imagery of the man and the woman walking together seemingly because there isn't much else to do.
However I feel like the story could greatly benefit from a bit more focus -- providing a closer view of this world would make the read feel a bit less needlessly surreal, because at the moment it seems kind of rushed, like we're missing one too many pieces of the story.
This is a good base, but it could be great with a little expansion.
If you ever take a second crack at it I'd be more than happy to read and revise my review.
Not a bad story at all -- the suspense is pretty good and it did legitimately make me wonder if he was in any real danger.
I do have two complaints however; I thought the bit with the girl covered in blood and screaming was a tad overdone, it felt a little out of place compared to the rest of the story but was still fairly effective.
The second thing I didn't like too much was the ending, I felt it was too ambiguous and kind of sudden. Another couple of paragraphs after this point could really help things.
Anyway, if you ever revise this I'll update my review. Good luck!
This is good for what it is, a simple horror tale, but I don't think it has to be limited to that. Are you planning on expanding on this? Because it sort of feels like a prologue, not that that's a bad thing.
There are lots of scenarios you could draw from this, like people hunting down the Abaloon, or perhaps a member of Jack's tribe investigating the legend.
I only found one mistake (I think) in the line:
"But she wasn’t and she wasn’t"
Regards,
Zarek
P.S. I love the name "Abaloon", where'd you come up with it?
This was a fun read. I expected something sci-fi or philosophical, but was very pleasantly surprised by the punchline at the end, which legitimately made me laugh.
As a very short story with a punchline I didn't expect, I see no reason to give you anything less than five stars.
Very cool story, it's always great to see the classic sci-fi trope of an omnipotent being becoming weary.
I'd like to say that this would be improved with more details, or more of a narrative, but really this is good as a canvas for the reader to project their own thoughts about the subject on to, and adding more details would probably compromise that accomplishment.
Let me preface this by saying that I don't exactly *get* poetry. I don't write it, I don't read it, and I'm not really qualified to say whether or not a poem is good.
All that aside; I love this. Lovecraftian horror mixed with machinery is a theme that creates a truly oppressive, but also awe-inspiring, feeling that is criminally hard to find, let alone to find done well. But your descriptions are extremely vivid despite not being especially long, which is a huge compliment to your ability to set-scenes and really fire up the imagination.
The only complaint I have is that there isn't more of this, there are countless stories that could be told in a world this interesting.
Excellent work. I might not *get* poetry, but I'll definitely be checking out the rest of your portfolio.
The main problem with this story isn't the plot -- it's the formatting.
This story would be much more readable of you broke this text up into several paragraphs, and it would also help if you made the font a tad bit bigger.
If you ever do a second draft of this I'd love to read it and change my review, good luck!
This isn't a bad story as it is -- but it could be far more effective with some alterations.
The first problem is the easiest to fix; the spacing. Separate this block of text and the story will flow better and have more impact in the most important scenes.
You should also put more detail into the part where the waves mature here, it happens so quickly that it feels jarring whereas it would probably feel much better to read if it's lengthened a bit.
I did like the way you personified the sea though, that was probably the most fun part of the story.
If you do a second draft I'd love to read it and revise my review, good luck!
Well you have a lot of potential here, but it is a little muddled.
There's a couple grammatical errors, mostly missing apostrophes and spelling errors but nothing major.
The biggest problem is the formatting; splitting this up into several paragraphs would really help to make it easier to read, and it's a pretty easy fix.
That being said I really didn't see the "twist" coming, so good job with that, and I think if you added more about what happens afterward it could be very exciting.
If you ever write a second draft I'll be happy to revise my review, so keep writing because this could be very good with a little more work!
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