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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| Of all the Jewish food I want to try, I admit I never would have tried Borscht without trust in GZ. Today I made my own version of Borscht. It was pink. Florescent pink. I was worried and thinking of what I might be able to quickly make if I couldn't stomach the taste. I took the Jewish recipes that I saw and combined it when the non-Jewish recipes that I found. I wanted to keep it vegetarian (still not trying to eat meat during the week). I dished a bowl, said my brucha, and took my first bite. It was delicious. The flavor was wonderful. I had eaten beets at my host's house for the high holidays but it was raw, so I had no idea if I would like it or how it the flavor would affect the other vegetables in the soup. Also, it was florescent pink. My recipe as I will make it in the future is below. I did add carrots to my soup this time, but it was too strong of a flavor and overpowered the rest of the soup. No carrots in the future for me. The only spices I added was Mrs. Dash (original), kosher salt, and pepper. Thank you GZ for all of the ways that you continue to help me on this journey. I feel privileged to call you my friend. Jeanette's Borscht Recipe 1 medium onion (diced) 2 celery stalks (washed and diced) 10 small red potatoes (peeled, washed and diced) 3 garlic cloves (minced) or 1 tablespoon minced garlic 1 giant (mine was huge) or 3 normal sized fresh beets (washed, peeled, and shredded) Original Mrs. Dash to taste Pepper to taste Kosher salt (very small sprinkling) Water (cover vegetables with extra water because the potatoes and beets will absorb some) Boil all vegetables in a pot for at least an hour until potatoes and beets are soft and the broth is florescent pink. Tastes great with fresh challah! Enjoy! |
| There is a board in the back of the men's side of the shul that has names of people who had died and a light is lit during the month that they died as a remembrance to them. During the high holidays, all of the lights were lit. My American Rabbi (who has done an amazing job answering my questions lately) said that there are a few times a year that we remember the souls of those that died. Another thing I asked my rabbi about today was the Shabbos Queen. During Friday night's women's dinner, when we were lighting candles, the host said we were welcoming in the Shabbos Queen. My American Rabbi sent me a great article that explained why Shabbos is referred to as a bride and as a queen. I will spare you the explanation, because there is no way that I could do it any justice. However, it is answers like I received today from my rabbi that make me love my decision even more and be so thankful to be able to join in on the celebration of G-d in every tiny little aspect of every part of everything in life. Terribly written, I know. But I also know that people who already have this heritage understand and love that about themselves and their faith. The adorable rabbi (I really need a better description) gave a halacha class. From an outsider perspective, I can see why some people would say that it is petty and legalistic, like not being able to open a bag because it separates the two parts but being able to punch a hole in the middle of it because nothing is separated then, but so much of what is said makes sense. Like the prohibition of creating or destroying words on Shabbat includes writing on cakes, alphabet soup, alphabet cereal, etc. I thought it made perfect sense since words hold so much meaning. One letter holds so much meaning. Eating alphabet cereal is nothing but destroying letters, therefore, don't do it on Shabbos. With all the adversity I've faced and will continue to face in the future, why do I want to still convert? I can tell you exactly why. Because the moment I am conscious in the morning, I say a prayer. Before I go to the bathroom, I am doing a service to Hashem and saying another prayer. Getting ready for work is full of thoughts of how I am either pleasing or not pleasing Hashem. Morning blessings and prayers fill my soul and make me ready to face the world outside of my cozy hideaway. When I get in my car, I am conscious of how far I drive because there is another prayer. The music I play on my trip is praise to Hashem. The words I speak and the thoughts I think and the actions I take are all centered around Hashem. The food I eat is preceded with a blessing and followed up with another blessing and prayer. The work I do is done with thoughts of Hashem. The words I say and said with thoughts of pleasing Hashem. The food I eat, what I cook, how I cook, how I even think about food is focused on Hashem. G-d permeates every aspect of every part of the day, every thought, every action, every purpose. He is the reason for being and doing. There is nothing in life that doesn't have purpose and that purpose is Hashem. Ein od milvado - there is nothing but Hashem. This is why I want to convert more today than yesterday and the day before that. G-d is why. There is nothing greater on this earth than to live for G-d. |
| Being a convert is not easy. I spent a large amount of my life going to church and listening to church theology. Some sayings are hard to get out of my brain and I fight with my thoughts often. It's not that I'm questioning my choice of conversion, but the exact opposite. It's anger at myself for not doing it sooner. It's sorrow for not having the opportunity to raise my kids in this life. It's disgust at the thoughts that come to the surface and the long conversations with G-d that follow those thoughts. I hear the name of Jesus all the time in many conversations, and hear the common phrases that he is watching over me and comforting me. Most of the time, it is easy to ignore those situations and just smile and keep going. Today, however, is not one of those days, and I am struggling. If it wasn't so clear the direction that G-d wants for my life, I would hide away and just do my studying and learning and not have to be exposed to the world that I am trying to leave behind for one much better. Of course, I cannot hide myself away. So, I will be hard on myself for a little bit. Then I will get over myself and just keep going. Tonight I am focusing on the things that are important, reading Tehillim, praying for the soldiers of Israel and the hostages (the one by name repeatedly all day long), attending my Hebrew Conversation class, discussing Isaiah in Hebrew, making challah, studying the morning blessings in Hebrew, and praying. I will be back to myself by morning and be filled with joy as normal and no longer focusing my struggles but filled with joy because, like Nechemiah 8:10 says, "The joy of the L-rd is my strength." |
| Have you ever been set up on a date? I saw two people set up during a luncheon on Saturday. I don't know if it was intentional, but it sure seemed like it. I knew when both people showed up with their mothers. I wasn't sure if I should be there, but I'm sure I was invited for a reason. There was a lot of flirting going on, blushed cheeks, conversation, and a tiny bit of alcohol. The guy was no subtle about his attraction. He asked her mom about marrying her when she got up to go to the bathroom. Her mom shot him down, BUT she offered a friend of hers that was ready to get married. I felt bad for him because they obviously shared an attraction. I did agree that they were in different stages of their lives, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. That is how we learn from one another. I think he would take good care of her while she finished school. However, I am not her mother and have no say in their relationship. Knowing that is not the first time that she has been set up, I think she is goin to be able to choose the perfect man for her. Perhaps when she lets go of her dream guy (don't we all have one?) and becomes open to the possibility of love with another person. My Hebrew lessons have been going well. I am starting to get past the point of recognizing some words as I read. That, of course, is thanks to GZ. He is an amazing teacher, and I know I couldn't be doing this journey without him. He is very patient. I don't enjoy hearing myself read, but he encourages me and reinforces what he knows that I have learned to push me further. If you would like to hear his robot voice (scripted voice) check out his YouTube channel. I am even in a couple of the videos. https://www.youtube.com/@LearnHebrewSchool I still got frustrated with myself again when it came time for a couple prayers at shul. I know I should be patient with myself, but there are a couple places that I need to be able to speak fast and read fast, and I can't. My response is still, "What she said!" It's frustrating. I feel dumb. I freeze when it comes to these specific parts and everything around me just becomes noise. I'm not sure why, but instead of being too hard on myself, I am going to take L's advice and focus on one prayer and master it and then go on to the next. It is my goal to be able to wake up in the morning and say the morning blessings in Hebrew instead of reading through them in English. This should be a good place to start because they all start the same and it only leaves me with a few words to say that I don't already know. When I get them down, I will work on the Shema. Then I will work on my bedtime prayer in Hebrew. When I can start every morning with prayer in Hebrew and end every day with prayer in Hebrew, then I think I can work on the service and not be frustrated or flustered around others while learning the service in Hebrew. The prayers I pray in home when it is just me and Hashem should come first, because that is the point of this whole conversion, getting closer to Hashem. Days and weeks can be stressful and tough, but when I read a prayer, pray a prayer in English or partly in Hebrew, when I light the Shabbat candles, when I read through a verse in Hebrew, when I have a short conversation (even a couple words) in Hebrew, when I bless the food before and after I eat, when make sure what I'm eating is kosher, when read the Torah, when I read Tehillim, when I learn Isaiah, when I do one of the many things that have become a life immersed in Hashem, I feel a peace that I have never felt. I feel a closeness with G-d that I have never felt. I feel like the me that has always been trying to get out and didn't know how. How could I want any other life than this? I am so blessed to have brought to this point on this day. Baruch Hashem. |
| What led an old lady to hug me and ask if I really wanted to do this while attending a prayer meeting? Read the blog today and you will find out. Friday night I attended a women's dinner. I admit that I barely made it on time, and stressed about running late. I dodged crazy drivers and only cried once. I immediately prayed and felt comforted. Then my music (set to shuffle) became more uplifting and upbeat. My near accident (still not sure how I avoided that one) began to feel less important. I made it to the shul just before we started (literally like a minute if I'm being generous). My friends saved a place at the table for me and then we sat in chairs in a large circle. We sang together and watched children dance around the table full of Shabbat candles. Every woman that was there (over 50, I believe) lit a candle for themselves and one for their husband if they were married. If you've read any of my other entries, you know how I feel about Shabbat candles. A table full of them was a beautiful sight and filled my spirit with wonder and joy. I met some wonderful women and heard some inspiring stories. During the meeting we played some interesting games, but we also learned that on the back of our name tag was the name of one of the hostages taken by HAMAS. The name on the back of my name card is on the list found here https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/6140595/jewish/Names-of-the-Hosta... Saturday started off like any other Shabbat. I got up, got ready for shul (had spent the night at a couple's house from shul whom I had stayed with before). I attended shul. I had lunch with the family whose house I had spent the night at, (More on that lunch tomorrow) and took a short but wonderful nap. I walked with a group of women to attend a prayer meeting. On the way (we were walking because there is no driving on Shabbat), a car stopped in front of us and a man jumped out moving quite quickly. We were a bit on guard when he greeted us with, "Shabbat Shalom" which is a common greeting among Jews (remember the man was driving). His voice was shaky when he spoke. He said that we needed to be careful when we went to shul because Jews were being targeted. That morning a rabbi was stabbed and murdered in front of her synagogue in downtown Detroit. We told him that we were on our way to a prayer service to pray for the soldiers Israel. He got back into his car and drove away, turned around and drove back by us very slowly. It was weird and a bit scary. On edge, we finished walking to the prayer service. We sat with a group of women (about 20) reading through Tehillim praying for the soldiers and the hostages. The ladies started telling about the guy that stopped and gave the news of the rabbi that was stabbed in front of the synagogue. One of the old women (whom I was walking with to prayer service) asked me if I was sure I still wanted this. I have no doubt that this is what I want, even in the scary moments. We walked back to the house where we started watching every car and still a bit on edge. I left the ladies at the house and began my walk back to shul to get my car. It was getting dark and I could not see in the windows of the cars. Every car that drove slowly by made me nervous. I made it shul and to my car. There is so much more to say, but it is late tonight (Technically tomorrow). I will write some more tomorrow since there is still so much more to say. |
| Some days I feel as though I am in an awkward position looking at a life from the outside. As a person who is just at the infant stages of conversion, I am looking through the window at a life not yet mine and detached from all happiness, celebrations, and pain. Then there are days, like this week, where happiness, family, and pain hits home. I am no longer looking through the window, I am in the middle of the room watching events occur around me, interacting, and wanting to do more. I am so blessed to have amazing people in my life that I have met along this journey. To list them all would be difficult, but they all have such a large impact on my heart. I have come to know some people that have changed my mind, my heart, and my life...forever. The past month was full of holidays, dancing, laughing, singing, praying, and learning. All of my tutors, my rabbis, and my friends were celebrating and joyous. These past ten days have been very different. You cannot be a Jew anywhere in the world and not be affected by the war in Israel, it is directly affecting millions of people around the world, including those that I have grown to care about. My Hebrew tutor GZ, who I have gotten to know and call a friend has never been shy about sharing his views. He has family in Israel, as most Jews do, but is dealing with a war at home as well. He shared a news story and article with me about his rabbi whose house was egged and a swastika was drawn on the window of his house. Why was this done? Because his house is also the community's place of worship, their Chabad synagogue. The article and video can be found here: https://bc.ctvnews.ca/b-c-rabbi-s-house-egged-vandalized-with-anti-semitic-graff... My prayer tutor L, who I have shared many late night conversations with about faith, and family, and life, shared with me the picture showing his father on the train on his way to a concentration camp (photo attached with L's permission). As a son of two holocaust survivors and a former IDF (Israel Defense Forces) soldier, he has so many stories to tell and a unique perspective to share about events in history and events happening today. I follow many different organizations on YouTube. The IDF is one of them. Some of their videos are encouraging and some are heartbreaking. Seeing a house shot up by HAMAS terrorists and blood in the beds, including the children's beds and the crib, is heartbreaking. I know everyone has heard about the beheading of the children and the other atrocities that have occurred during the invasion of Israel. There is a video that really got to me this week https://youtube.com/shorts/6R6_L11-tVk?si=oSScWpXmB_giFown It is of a soldier starting with, "Let's play a game" and then says to put a finger down for each of the things she describes, rockets launched at your home, if your social media is flooded with obituaries, if you believed that the last text you sent to your friends would be their last message ever, if someone you know is missing, kidnapped, or slaughtered by HAMAS terrorists, and if you haven't been the same and will never be the same since the invasion occurred. The soldier had all five fingers down and 7 million others have all five fingers down as well. The news continues to break my heart. Why then would I still want to convert to becoming a part of a people who are so targeted throughout history and even today? I will tell you. GZ continues to teach me on a daily basis with joy, laughter, humor, and acceptance. He still takes time to support me in my learning and in other ways that show he is a real friend. L still stays up late with me praying with me, singing through prayers with me, laughing with me, crying with me, and giving a part of his enormous heart to the world around him. Community members are still reaching out and messaging me to let me know that security will be increased so I don't have to worry coming to shul this weekend, and being supportive in other ways, including opening their homes for me stay so I can attend shul and not have to drive so far in one day. When my host S, who opened her home to me multiple weekends over the high holidays was asked if she had any family in Israel, her reply, "Only 7 million of them" was a show of her heart for all Jews. But she is not the only one who feels that way, all Jews do. The love and support they have for one another is unparalleled in any other community on earth. Then there are all of the videos of the IDF and soldiers that are an inspiration. What is the main focus of the IDF's message for those wanting to help? Pray your prayers morning, noon, and evening. Be observant. Give to charity. Be kind to others. And, of course, learn Torah. Out of every message that I have seen, the overarching theme is to strengthen your faith (emunah) in Hashem (G-d). This is one of the many videos with this message that I found quite inspiring this week. Thank you L for sharing it with me. https://www.instagram.com/reel/CycwmyeOhf-/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA%3D%3D&fbclid=I... The inspiration of these soldiers and their faith does not stop there. I saw a video of soldiers that rescued a Torah scroll from a village that was pillaged and residents murdered. Posted by Living Lchaim https://youtube.com/shorts/97ZvXH8eTk8?si=-SyjyN0G7GtmELGC you can hear the singing and celebration for the rescue of the sacred text. Living Lchaim has no end to videos of soldiers singing songs on Shabbat and songs of praise to Hashem while they are guarding buildings and driving military vehicles, and sitting in dirt trenches with their guns. Faith is what is most important. Faith in Hashem is what matters. I made my decision to convert to Judaism knowing the history of hatred for the people whose main purpose in life to praise and live for Hashem, but I want to do that too. It is my love for G-d and my desire to worship him the way he wants me to worship him and to pray to him the way he wants me to pray to him and to live the life that he wants me to live that convinced me to convert. I had no knowledge of the the amazing people that I would be so blessed to meet on this journey. I had no idea that a war would occur and I would watch as those amazing people pray to their creator through tears of pain and hope. I had no idea that I would be willing to change my entire life and walk away from dreams that I once wanted and I life I enjoyed living for a new dream and a new life. I would be proud to call the people I have had the pleasure to meet, on this journey, my family and I still hope to some day. My belief in Hashem has not changed. He was, he is, and he will be one for all eternity. My faith in Hashem has not changed. He leads me, he guides me, he directs my steps. There is no waver of faith or question of my decision. I know where I stand and who I stand with, and someday, these wonderful friends and community members that I have grown to care for and love will be my family. I am still converting without reservation. I am going to shul on Shabbat because there is no place on earth I would rather be than with my people and my G-d, our G-d.  |
| This was the first Shabbat that I spent at home in months. I had work obligations which kept me home Friday night. I wasn't home in time to light the Shabbat candles so my daughter A2 lit them for me (without a blessing). It was nice to come home to let candles, but I really miss lighting them. However, Saturday, as I looked at them while doing kiddush, they had a special glow. It was peaceful and restful. It was exactly what I needed but it still left me wanting. Being at home on Shabbat did leave me missing members of the community because they are so amazing. Their smiles and dedication give me strength to make through a week of davening alone among those who don't understand me or my journey. But there was more missing from the weekend than just my friends and community. There is something unexplainable about praying in the shul instead of at home that makes Shabbat a completely different experience. It something spiritual and within the heart and the soul, a special communication with G-d that happens when davening in the shul (praying in the synagogue). I am missing that feeling today. I can hear the chants of the cantors in head from the past few weeks of being there multiple days, but that sound is fading. I know I needed this weekend of rest, but after one weekend away, I can't imagine not going to shul every chance I have to be there. I slept, but I don't feel rested. Perhaps it is the "Good Sabbaths" or the "Shabbat Shaloms", or the prayers being sung that I am missing, or the Torah scrolls being raised, or the Torah scroll making its way round the room and touching it, or the cantor chanting after the congregation, or hearing the prayers in Hebrew from all around, or hearing the Torah read in Hebrew and following along, or the power of praying with a congregation. Or maybe, it is all of it combined. While wishing I could be at shul and missing it, I wonder how the community members are doing with the war in Israel, and how their families are doing, and wanting to offer love and encouragement. I was not cut off from the community by not being gone one weekend. Several of the community members reached out throughout the week which gave me great joy and encouraged me to not focus on what I missed this weekend, but look forward to next weekend when I will be there again. I reached out to others and their hearts are big and aching, and their love for me and their people will resonate with me all this coming week. There is no place I would rather be than with these amazing people who, one day, I will get to call my family. Reading through prayers in the Siddur with L was helpful also. We spent a couple of late nights reading through the services, and even though my Hebrew is slow (and I'm sure painful to listen to), he was encouraging and helpful the entire time. And when midnight passed and the nikud disappeared into the page and the letters blurred together, he took over and started singing the prayer. I would feel bad normally for falling asleep on someone on the phone, but what better way to fall asleep than to the sound of prayers being sung to me. When I started this journey, I didn't want who I am to change, and I don't believe that part of me ever will. I will always be same soul that started this journey to becoming a Jew, but I will also be changed. I know I am not the same person as I was when I started. I am more confident in myself because I understand G-d's love for me in a different way and my purpose on Earth in a different way. I talk more, which shocks my family, but it's hard not to talk when the new language I am learning fills my tongue with such joy. I read a lot more, because I have so much to learn. I see people in a different way and motivations of others differently. I feel more disconnected from those around me, because I am no longer like them. I can respond to Christian statements with understanding, but I can't share in the feeling of them. Different feelings arise instead. My feelings aren't the only thing that has shifted. My whole world has shifted. Becoming a Jew is not a single act for me or even a couple years of learning. It is becoming a person who lives a life of dedication from the meant I reach a state of consciousness and thanking G-d often even before opening my eyes, until I fall asleep at night with the last words from my lips being a blessing and a prayer. It is thoughts of G-d at every meal with a blessing before I eat thanking G-d for the food and a blessing after I eat again thanking G-d for his provision. It is in my daily prayer to understand the Torah I read, and prayer for traveling to and from work each day, and the prayer for peace, and the Shema, and the Amidah, and the varies prayers I go over with my tutor, and the last prayer I pray before bed. It is in making sure my daughter's cat is fed before I am, it is in making sure I give tzedakah, and when I sing prayers and songs in Hebrew thanking G-d, and when I light candles and welcome in the Shabbat, and when I do kiddush, and when I welcome the angles, and when I close out Shabbat, and when I turn off my candles, and in every breath I breathe. Becoming a Jew isn't an single act. It isn't just eating kosher, following the holiday schedule, speaking Hebrew and Yiddush, attending shul, saying the Shema at least twice a day, dressing a certain way, lighting candles, praying, not working on Shabbat, and reading a million books. Though all of these things are what sets the Jewish people apart from the rest of the world, there is also a spiritual connection with Hashem, the creator of the universe, magnifying an inner thankfulness, trust, and fear that permeates the soul of every Jew. It is not an act to be a Jew. It is a state of being. I spent 45 years learning what it meant to be a Christian. Though I hope it doesn't take me that long to enter the mikvah, I want to give G-d the rest of my life learning what it means to be Jew. |
| Tonight was Talmud with the Rabbi who glows. He said that he wasn't going through the portion to be inspirational, but he most definitely was inspirational. His message was exactly what I needed to hear. When war happens, there is a myriad amount of emotions that a person goes through to process what is happening. I have been depressed, sad, angry, confused, and in mourning. I am still mourning for those lost and will continue mourning, but I was reminded tonight that it is important to feel hope, to not be afraid, and to know that victory is certain. G-d promises victory to Israel. He is with every soldier fighting, because he promises to be with them and promises to grant victory over their enemies. The Rabbi also talked about the power of the Shema prayer and it's recitation twice daily (as is the mitzvah). The belief in one G-d is what sets the Jewish people apart from all other faiths. When they go to battle, they take with them The Creator himself. How can failure be possible when G-d fights for his people? Failure is not possible. It is not an option. If G-d can create an entire universe with one breath, who could possibly stand a chance against him, against Israel? He said something about the soldiers that I did not know and was amazed by. Every soldier, the observant and the non-observant, are wearing tzitzit. This, just as the Shema prayer does, shows how Israel is set apart from the rest of the world. Though the world may understand the significance of this, every Jew does. To be a Jew means to be a people, to be one. There is no such things as a lone person in Israel, there is only the people of Israel, and G-d is with and fights for Israel. So though I am still mourning tonight, I am understanding my friends and my teachers a bit better tonight with this important reminder from my Rabbi. So do what you can do support the soldiers, even if it only saying the Shema prayer twice daily as commanded. G-d will honor that, because Israel is one. I think of my bedtime prayer that references Tehillim (Psalm) 91 that describes not being afraid because of saying, "The Lord is my refuge" and "You have made the Most High your dwelling place." Faith and trust in Hashem is the key to victory. I have been saying this prayer (Psalm) for months, but I am understanding it on a different level tonight. G-d is in the very midst of battle, because the soldiers put their faith in him. Psalm 91 https://www.chabad.org/library/bible_cdo/aid/16312/jewish/Chapter-91.htm My Hebrew tutor GZ has lived in Israel through two wars and tried to convey this hope yesterday. I'm sorry I was too overwhelmed with my grief to see it. My prayer tutor L also attempted to convey this truth yesterday when he talked about his time serving in the IDF. Though he encouraged me and made me feel so much better and helped me sleep in peace, I still did not grasp it last night. It took a third teacher to help me understand. There will be a time for mourning (not that I won't still have those feelings), but right now is the time for support for battle to stop the murder of more innocent lives. If you pray, please pray for Israel. If you don't know what to pray, pray one of the prayers available at the following links. https://www.sefaria.org/Siddur_Ashkenaz%2C_Shabbat%2C_Shacharit%2C_Communal_Pray... https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/809299/jewish/Psalms-for-Times-of... If you would like to donate, here are a couple of places to donate to help Israel. https://www.chabad.org/special/campaigns/israel/donate.htm https://www.timesofisrael.com/where-people-abroad-can-donate-to-israels-hospital... Your local Chabad Center If you need to do more, please read this article and watch the video for more ideas. https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/6120608/jewish/7-Things-You-Can-D... |
| Why do people have to hurt each other? I know that is a rhetorical question. I just don't understand the necessity of war, destruction, and hate. Especially hate. Anyone that has read other things I have written besides this blog, knows that I have not had an easy life. I understand what it is like to be beaten, abused, left, and hurt. Do I hate those that did those things to me? No. I don't want them around me ever, or around my children ever, but I don't hate them. God will take care of them for their actions, and hopefully they will have remorse some time in their lives and give back to the world because of it. Hate accomplishes nothing. It doesn't heal. It doesn't make the person hating feel better, only worse. It doesn't solve problems, only causes more if actions are done because of it. I don't understand hate. Is it's only purpose to hurt and destroy others and the hater? My Rabbi said that everything is created by Hashem so it has a purpose. There is no good purpose in hate. Is hate there only to give us the free will to choose love instead? If so, then choose love. That is a place where purpose can found and expanded upon and accomplish everything that hate cannot. That is the place where people change and worlds change. Choose to accomplish by love. Leviticus (Vayikra - ויקרא) 19:17-18 says לא-תשנא which means "Do not hate." Imagine if this truth extended to the entire world and the entire world started living this. And instead of hating, they decided to love one another as verse 18 commands us to do. Earth would become Eden once again. Heaven would be on Earth. Do not hate. Choose love. Then, and only then, will I understand the world. |
| On the day of tragedy comes dancing. Simchat Torah was interrupted by explosions, gunfire, and death. On the most joyous day of the year, tears fell. Around the world, people prayed for Israel and their safety. In synagogues, prayers lasted for hours and then, as commanded in the Torah, joyous celebrations began. Simchat Torah is the finishing of the Torah reading and the starting of the reading all over. The Torah consists of the first five books of the English bible: Genesis (בראשית), Exodus (שצות), Leviticus (ויקרא), Numbers (במדבר), and Deuteronomy (במדבר). This means they finish reading the book of Deuteronomy and then started reading Genesis. This is read in Hebrew in the synagogue so no matter what country you find yourself in, you can walk into a synagogue and join a service. This is one thing (of many) that unifies the Jewish people around the world. This site offers a good English and transliteration combo https://www.chabad.org/library/bible_cdo/aid/63255/jewish/The-Bible-with-Rashi.h... It was somber at parts with hugs and comforting those with children and family in Israel and serving in the IDF (Israel Defense Forces). However, after some amount of alcohol, the reading was done and the dancing began. The dancing was accompanied by singing for Israel, singing for Hashem, singing for the future of the Jewish people, singing for the coming of the Mashiach, and singing for a joyous year because we are commanded to do so. Did I sing? When I knew the song or the words were repeated enough times, yes. Did I laugh with others, yes. Did I cry with others, yes. Did I dance, of course! I joined hands with the women and danced around the shul while the men danced with the scrolls on their side of the shul. Children were on parent's shoulders waving flags of celebration. Men climbed on top of other men's shoulders and sang and danced in circles around the synagogue. The Torah Scrolls made rounds around the synagogue for hours. Then the dancing and singing went outside. Under the stars, men formed one circle with the five Torah scrolls dancing and singing. Women formed another circle, holding hands and danced and sang. Children got into the middle of the circle and we celebrated the children in attendance. It was a celebration of Torah, a celebration of the acceptance of the Jewish life, a celebration of all things Jewish, and a celebration of the hope of the future of Israel as promised by G-d. The words, "We want Mashiach now!" rang out from the synagogue, both days, out into the streets. Peace. Peace for Israel and for the entire world. A world full of people loving one another, helping one another, friendship, and family. A world full of people that loves one true G-d, the G-d who created the heavens and the earth and everything and everyone in it. That is what it means to want the world with the Mashiach in it. That is what it means to be Jewish. To spend two days with people who share my love for G-d and see it celebrated so openly and to have a one (if you live in Israel) or two day holiday specifically to show joy and love for receiving G-d's word is beyond amazing, spiritually satisfying, and proof of everything that is right in the world. With wars and hatred for Jews for just being Jewish, do I still want to become a Jew myself? Yes, I do. More than ever. |
| Shabbat is about to begin, but I wanted to get this entry in before I lit the candles. Dinner is already cooking, nothing great. I am home tonight and not driving until the morning. I will drive right to shul. I am sad that I will not get my A1 hugs tonight and have to wait until after evening services tomorrow, but I am thankful for the time home. I will only see A1 for a short time before going to morning service on Sunday. I will rest tonight after candle lighting and dinner. I may even get to go to bed early. After a couple of stressful weeks, I just feel so blessed tonight. There is a peace that I have not felt in a very long time, and I know it is because I am closer to Hashem than I have ever been. I hope you have a wonderful and restful weekend. |
| I feel so far behind this week. Work seems to be such a priority as well other things that I don't feel as though I have done enough learning. I have said my prayers daily. I have said my blessings before eating. I've attended class with my American Rabbi only once, but there weren't any other classes due to Sukkot. I baked my challah. I even talked with L about Chanukah and the menorah, dreidel, and meanings behind them. However, I feel as though there is something that I am missing. Could it be my community? I received a text from the door guy and his mother with a beautiful name to make sure that I was coming to lunch Saturday after shul. It has been such a long week that it feels like that conversation was a long time ago. The door guy speaks in Hebrew which is really nice to hear with all of my practicing and learning. The mother is so sweet and so warm and inviting. I can imagine what it must have been like to grow up with her. I'm so excited to see them and spend time with them and learn from them. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone in the community that I have gotten to know. Even just a wave between prayers is always greeted with a smile. Then there is the reading of the Torah and the touching it with the prayer book. It's so hard to know I'm so far away from it all. At the same time, I want to spend some time resting on Shabbat. I haven't been able to read and relax and take a nap on my floor in months, because I have such a long drive. It takes an entire day to go to shul and come home. I have no time of rest and I need it. I need that alone time of G-d and not have to worry about my cell phone and writing and my emails and my work. It is greatly needed. My Rabbi said that I need to do something to mess up keeping Shabbat because non-Jews cannot keep Shabbat. I am able to do 99.9% of it, but I have to do something to not keep it correctly. The easiest way to break Shabbat is to drive. If I stay home, I could cook or turn off or on a light. Any of these breaks Shabbat. I, however, don't want to break Shabbat. I want the rest and peace that comes with the day. I'm looking forward to going to shul like always, but I'm looking forward to the day that I am living in the community and not having to drive to get there. |
| I can say that I did not stay up to midnight talking last night and actually got more than 5 hours of sleep. That good sleep was very helpful with my Hebrew lesson tonight. I was surprised with how much I remembered and how much I could read and understand as I read or heard the other guy in my class read. At one point I even said, "I actually understood that." I'm still taking multiple classes with GZ. I am in Easy Hebrew Method which I finished unit 5, I think. In that class, I read and learn vocabulary, sentence structure, verb conjugation, etc. I am in Conversational Hebrew on unit 6. I do learn vocabulary in that class also, but mostly how to pronounce words and hold a conversation. I am also enrolled in Isaish (Yeshayahu). Hearing the Tanach (bible) read in Hebrew and translated directly from Hebrew brings so much more depth and meaning to the verses. I wish I had access to this a long time ago. I have been talking with L (sometimes until midnight) and going over the different prayers. We were reviewing the different prayers of the regular Shabbat service, and I was telling him every place that I was still struggling. He, of course, was very encouraging and had no problem calling me out being hard on myself. I know I am. I just love the language and the prayers and feeling that I get when praying them. I want to be able to pronounce every now perfectly. That is completely unrealistic, especially with how slowly I learn, but it's like someone put my heart on a page in a book. I want to speak my heart. There is one prayer that is sung and I can't read fast enough to keep up. I have the melody down, but if I can't read fast enough or memorize the prayer, I can't sing it with everyone else. I really want to be able to sing it, because it is a beautiful prayer with a beautiful melody. L sent me a link to the song last night, and even though I didn't like the version he chose, I found one that I liked that was closest to the way it is sung at shul. I am hoping after a week or two of listening to it, I will be able to sing it. I figure that even if I have lost my place at the time, when I hear it sung, I will be able to participate still and find my place again easily. There are still a few places in the prayers that I struggle. One place is not translated to English at all. It is transliterated because it is in aramaic (I believe that is the reason he said). I have a hard time with prayers when I can't read that fast and I only understand a few of the words if any. I want to know it, and I can't translate it myself yet. I understand the phrase, "Walk before you run," but I haven't been walking very fast in my opinion. It has been many months that I have been studying and a couple months that I have been attending shul regularly. I know that most of the people in the shul have been doing this for years or most of their lives (a large part all), and I shouldn't expect myself to know everything right away. However, there is a sweet 85 year-old woman with a beautiful Jewish name who only found out a couple of years ago that she was Jewish and started started attending shul. If a woman as old as my grandmother can learn in a couple of years, I should be able to also, right? This week is still Sukkot though I don't have access to a sukkah through the week (sadly enough). This weekend is two holidays Shemini Atzeret and Simchat Torah. I will not be going to the Friday night service as I will be at my daughter's lighting candles, but I will be there Saturday night and Sunday morning. This weekend, we will finish reading the Torah and start it over. When I talked to my American Rabbi today, he said that next weekend we will finish reading the entire book of Genesis (Beres***) since we only read like the first 50 verses or so this weekend. I think that is amazing. If you've never heard it read in Hebrew, get on YouTube, find it read aloud, and you may understand why this is such a joyous occasion. Have a great night. I know I will. |
| I had a magical shabbat. I did have a couple people that said they were surprised that I came the week right after Yom Kippur. I admitted that it was a lot, but I loved being there. I wanted to be there. Today is the second day of Sukkot and we did a lot of special prayers including the Hallel which is amazing to hear. It definitely set me up for my magical afternoon. I sat in my first sukkah today. This week is the holiday of Sukkot. The sukkah is a hut built out of flimsy materials with a tree branch roof. It must have the sky visible and rain should be able to come through slats in the ceiling. It is the celebration of the provision of Hashem as they were rescued from Egypt by G-d. They dwelt in huts like the sukkah that is created during this holiday. It is required to eat in a sukkah for a week. The first one I was in was the sukkah at the Chabad where I attend shul. It had tarps for the sides and a pergola and branches for the roof. Apparently, there is a shortage of pergola because of the Canadian wild fires. That is where it is shipped from to the US for this special holiday. I had kiddush lunch in the sukkah. It was beautiful and everyone was happy. The weather was warm and there were few clouds in the sky. It was a perfect afternoon. I was then invited to the Rabbi's house again for lunch. His wife is just the sweetest woman ever and the best cook. I am not even close to her ability to cook. She always has so much food for the people there. They have a total of 10 children, all grown. A couple of their children were there with their families so there were a lot of people there again. We had lunch in the sukkah. I felt very honored and blessed to be able to spend shabbat and the first day of Sukkot with that family. One tradition the Rabbi has is to go around the table(s) and introduce yourself and say something on the topic he designates. They were all obviously used to the tradition. It was fun listening to them interact as a family. There was so much love and laughter. We were asked to say our names and our favorite Sukkah memory. I, of course, do not have a sukkah memory since it was my first day ever being in a sukkah. Their sukkah was the second one that I was in, and both were on the same day. I will not get a chance to be in another sukkah until next year. I live in the middle of no where and in a townhouse. I will look forward to being where I can enjoy them all week next year and every year after that. There is a special feeling when sitting in the sukkah. I bet it is beautiful under the night sky, just as it was in the sunlight. There is a warmth, a feeling of being blessed, and a special glow that comes from within that can't be described, only experienced. |
| Yom Kippur is a 25 hour fast and an all day (and night before) prayer service. It is filled with beautiful prayers of asking G-d for forgiveness. It was quite exhausting. Not only did I fast for over 25 hours, but also stood a long time (hours) praying and concentrating on prayers. The concentration and reading became difficult the last hour of service. At that point, I had fasted 27 hours. Words started to run together. Then there was the fact that I hadn't showered since the morning before. One of the rules for Yom Kippur is not to wash. I felt gross. My hair felt gross. I wanted nothing more than to take a hot shower (one of the things I thank G-d for every time I get one). I pictured the stench coming off of me and filling the entire room like a cloud of yuck. Of course, that is an exaggeration, but it didn't seem like it by the end of the day. At least not that day. I did smell my clothes the next day and they smelled just fine, so it was just me worrying for nothing, but I'm used to showering every morning. I enjoy showering every morning. This part was difficult for me for sure. Then there was the part of me being me. I have to be the only person who can fast for over 24 hours and suddenly, in the middle of praying, start choking on my own spit. How did I even have that much spit at that point? Seriously? Normally, my mouth would be completely dry, but not the day I fasted in the presence of a hundred other people. No, then I had so much spit in my mouth that I had to embarrass myself by choking on it. I spent three nights at my host's house. It was nice getting to know her a little more. She really is a wonderful woman. She has a pond and a creek behind her house. It was a beautiful escape and a great spot to refresh the mind and talk with G-d. I'm attaching the photos (if I get it right) I took of the pond and the creek. It's amazing that in the middle of a stressful day, event, or place, G-d can provide such peace. I am so thankful to my host, S, for the possibility to have this experience. Without her, I would just be reading about it instead of experiencing it. I'm also thankful for H who let me nap at her house between services. I am blessed with having found a wonderful community with women so inviting and helpful. This next weekend starts Sukkot. I will not be able to do all of the events for the holiday due to work obligations, but I get to enjoy one day of it, and I'm very much looking forward to it.   |
| This is my first High Holiday season. This weekend is Yom Kippur. Yom Kippur is the day of atonement. That means that we will be asking G-d for forgiveness, feel regret for our wrongdoing, and never do those mistakes again. I am heading down state tomorrow to go to my host's house until the evening of Yom Kippur. I honestly have no idea what to expect. It still seems that most of the rules I get during my online classes are geared towards men. I know the ladies at shul will help me, but I have to be there to learn and to understand. I imagine Shabbat to be a normal day, but Yom Kippur starts Sunday night. What should I expect? It goes until Monday. Is it just like any other day and I will be sitting there at the house reading? Are we all going to be gathered together. Do we go to shul and if so what time? Do only men go to shul like during the regular week? Though firsts are often nice, sometimes they are difficult when coming into that first feeling completely unprepared. |
| Some conversations bring you back to reality. Jews are not able to drive on Shabbat, so they live within walking distance to shul. When a few of them were walking to shul, a car drove passed and the people yelled out the window, "HAY JEWS!" One was upset that children were with them at the time. They work really hard to shelter their children from hatred. A couple said that they were so sheltered that they didn't even know it existed until they were older. There are armed guards at the shul and discussions of safety are a regular conversation. I have never understood hate, and I hope I never do. I didn't get home Sunday night until after 10. I chatted with my daughter for a few minutes, wrote, and went to bed. I was asleep after midnight and had to be up at 5 am for work. It made for a long Monday with my brain not wanting to function as fully as needed. Monday was also The Fast of Gedaliah. It is to remember Gedaliah ben Achikam the governor of the Jews under the Babylonians who was murdered. This murder made it so Jews could not settle in Israel until 371 BCE. You can read more here https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/2316462/jewish/Tzom-Gedaliah-Fast... After the amount of food over the weekend, it was the easiest fast I have ever done. Even the side effects of fasting all day without food or water was minimal. Though it wasn't my first fast, it was for that specific day on the Jewish calendar. It was another first in a long weekend of firsts. And the high holidays are not over yet. This weekend is Yom Kippur. |
| There are holidays that people attend worship only on that day. The second day of Rosh Hashanah was one of those days. I woke up a little after 6, but since I felt like a bother the morning before, I stayed in bed until I heard my host up and around. I then showered and and got ready for shul. This time I think she was ready to go before I was ready. I thanked her again for letting me stay and for everything: food, kindness, company, knowledge, lighting of the candles on Shabbat, and so much more. I know how lucky I am to have made her as a friend. Shul was pretty empty during the morning part of the service. We arrived before 9 am and again I moved up by the ladies that were there so I did not sit alone. The Chazzan (the one who chants the prayers) did a lot of work. They again auctioned off the Torah readings. There was so much more to the service and so many special moments. There is a custom to touch the Torah scroll with the prayer book as it is brought around or to touch it with your hand. Most of the women go up to the front to the partition and reach over with their prayer book and touch the scroll. I have held back from doing this because I felt that it was not yet my privilege to do so since I am not a Jew yet. However, the women did not feel the same. I was not only encouraged to go up to the partition and touch the scroll, I was held up front at the partition and told to touch the scroll. I'm still not sure that I should have been given that honor to do it yet, but I will never forget it. Perhaps I am just a sentimental woman, but there is a true feeling of awe and reverence when that prayer book touches the scroll. This was not the only special moment of the service though. A little after 11:30, the shul filled with so many people that there was not only full rows, but no standing room left. There were so many people packed into the shul that I am sure people had to stand in the doorway or out in the hall even with everyone hugged in together. There was prayer, and then for the first time in my life, I heard the shofar blow. It started off quiet with short bursts but it made my entire body shake. Someone had told me that when they heard it, it made their back hair stand up and they didn't even have back hair. I wasn't sure what that meant until I heard it. The first time it blew it was short and the shul cleared out after that first time. There is a mitzvah (law or good deed) to hear it once a year. Since they did their mitzvah for the year, they left. I, of course, stayed. Service wasn't close to over. The second time the shofar blew was when it really got me. I could feel it in every cell of my body. Every cell shook. For a brief moment, I felt that I didn't belong there. I was infringing on something holy and I wasn't chosen to be there. That brief thought became another conversation with Hashem. I wanted to be there. I chose to be there. I belonged there. And finally, by the end of my conversation (all while the shofar was blowing) I was welcomed there. It was then that tears started to leak from my eyes and no matter how hard I tried, I could not hold them back. The ladies tried not to look, but I know that they kept looking. I had to ask the lady in front of me for a tissue multiple times because I kept soaking them. I didn't weep, but I didn't stop crying for a long time. I continued praying and following the service even with tears streaming from my eyes. I am sure that someone would say that it was soul in conversation with Hashem, or that my soul was repenting (which was entirely possible). All I know is that I have never walked into a church and felt what I did during that service. I, of course, will never walk into a church again, and I never want to miss out on another Rosh Hashanah service for the rest of my life. I don't even remember the time that we walked out of shul after the service ended, but I remember being amazed that over 6 hours had passed and it didn't feel that long. I had not left the shul to even use the bathroom the entire time. I walked with my friend H and her husband to their house. I had lunch there (more like normal dinner time than lunch). There are certain people that you meet in life that you feel connected to and can't explain why. They are people who feel privileged to meet and to get to know. They are people that inspire you and who you want to be or be like. They are people you hope to know for a very long time. That is my new friend H. She's just an amazing person. Her husband is a good person as well. I left and got home late. It was after 10 pm. I talked with my daughter A2 and my friend L who helped me process everything that happened over the weekend. There is so much more to say. The holiday weekend wasn't quite over yet. The Fast of Gedaliah or Tzom Gedaliah Fast Day was Monday. A short bit about the fast and more about the weekend will be in my next entry. Thank you Hashem for your many blessing this weekend. I am truly thankful. |
| Have you ever eaten a fish head? Me neither! However, during dinner on Saturday night (at a table of 10) fish head was offered as a ritual to celebrate the head of the year. Apparently, there were people with a calf head on their dinner table. Cooked fish heads were bad enough. There may just be some traditions that maybe should be let go or changed a bit. So my Saturday was busier than my Friday. The first day of Rosh Hashanah. I got up early at six like I normally do on Saturdays when I stay at my daughter's house and got dressed and ready for Shul. I am sure that my host, S, was not excited about my early morning routine. We arrived to shul quite early. I don't think she knew what to do so early in the morning with a stranger in the house. The service was long and there weren't very many people in attendance. I moved up to someone else's seat (there was a seating chart for the regulars) because my assigned seat was further back, and no one else was around me. The amazing ladies didn't like me sitting alone, so I was asked to move up. The shofar was not blown on the first day of Rosh Hashanah because it was also Shabbat. I guess this only happens once every ten years (I overheard). The service was still beautiful and heartfelt. I had my host telling me what was going on through the service because it was different from the other services I attended. Every service the Torah is read. During the holiday services, the readings are auctioned off. Congregation members pay quite a bit of money to have the privilege to go up and read the Torah aloud. Of course only the men go up in the Orthodox community. I know it is not a popular opinion, but I think that is the way it should be. Men and women are different and have different roles in the home, in society, and in the shul. I read a lot about the service and understand why people said to wear comfortable shoes. Mine were cute but comfortable, at least on the first day. It wasn't cold at all, which was nice, because it wasn't hot either. The Rabbi who glows gives a little message, sermon, or whatever you want to call it during the service. I already have heard some of the stories he tells or heard stories like them, but there is always something that he says that resonates with me and touches me. There is always some nugget of wisdom that sticks out that I can't forget. After service, I went to the Adorable Rabbi's house for lunch. His wife is a wonderful woman and so sweet. She was a great cook too. I tried a little bit of everything. I had my first gefilte fish. It was surprisingly good. As someone who has always avoided fist because of the taste, I could eat it and enjoy it. I actually liked all of the fish dishes that were made. I had my second drink of wine (in many years) at the lunch. It was a good wine that I wouldn't have a problem buying and drinking, and I don't drink. There were three courses (after the kiddush and the challah). It was a lot of food. After talking with a large group of strangers, hearing stories, watching children run around, and eating more food than I should have, I left back for my host's house a little after 5. This was not the end of the day though. There was still dinner! Yes, I went to a third stranger's house in two days for dinner, the fish head house. I had met the lady and her husband the week before and they are the ones that set me up with my host. They are the kind of people that you are thankful to have as friends because they bring so much joy to every relationship. I was able to help prepare help which was nice. It felt good to be useful and not just stand around or sit and watch everyone else do so much work. It wasn't awkward for a moment, which was quite unexpected. They set up candles so the lady of the house could light, then my host lit two, and then I was able to light two candles as well. If you've read any of my previous entries, you know how much the lighting of the candles means to me. This was two nights in a row that I was able to light candles. My heart was full. There was so much food. Remember that I had eaten so much food at lunch (with a few of the same people interestingly enough). I had to try the things I have never eaten though. I had matzo ball soup for the first time. I have been wanting to make it, but haven't had the chance with my busy schedule. I had two types of kugel, apricot (my favorite) and potato. They had non-dairy ranch dressing. I was so excited to be able to have a salad with non-dairy ranch dressing. I found some the other day at Meijer and picked up a bottle, but hadn't had the chance to try it yet. Again, there was multiple courses. However, being the first night of Rosh Hashanah, there were certain things that were necessary to do eat and say a blessing on. We had challah with honey (like I did at the Adorable Rabbi's and at dinner the night before). We had an apple dipped in honey. We had a carrot (forgot why). We had a fresh date. We had celery with raisins (to symbolize a raise in salary - get it?). We had pomegranate seeds. I think I'm forgetting something. All of these small things were before the meal and all of them had meaning and a brucha (blessing). Of course there was the fish heads to represent the head of the year (not the tail). I passed on that (really gross!). Fish heads aside, all of the food was amazing. And the desert was amazing too. We ate a starfruit before desert because we needed to eat a fruit that we had not eaten in a long time. I'm too tired to remember why, but it was important. There were different tribes of Jews at the table so some traditions differed. Sephardic Jews have different customs that Ashkenazi Jews. Listening to the discussions was a learning experience. There were long discussions on traditions and reasoning, but what I love about it is that it was all friendly and accepting of each other's differences. Discussions were about learning about each other and learning about each other's differences. It was always friendly. Being a teacher, I can compare it to two teachers who teach the same lesson and discuss how they teach the same material differently. Neither is wrong, just different and both accepted. I won't get into the comparison between the amazing people sitting at the table and those that I have eaten with at church. There is no comparison. If you were to define yourself with the company you keep and people you surround yourself with, I would choose every person at that table Saturday night without question. They may all live a bit differently and have a few different traditions, but when it came time to pray or sing to G-d, they were the same and had the same enthusiasm. They have the same morals and beliefs. You certainly can't say that with Christianity or any other religion for that matter. Every moment I spent with them made me wish I never had to leave. I did finally leave the house with my host and went back to my host's house well after midnight. They were still there eating and talking. I believe it was after 1:30 am before I climbed into bed. It was a long, amazing and unforgettable night. This is not the end. There's still day two of Rosh Hashanah. |
| Happy New Year! Yes, it is the Jewish new year! I just ended my first ever Rosh Hashanah. It was three days of prayers, rituals, celebrations, and an amazing amount of food. Since it is very late on Sunday night, I am going to talk about my Friday night. Since there is so much to tell, I will add more about the weekend over the next couple of days. I worked Friday until about 4 and then rushed to my car and drove the three hours to the community that I am slowly becoming a part of to have dinner with someone I had met the week before and stay at her house. Yes, for the first time in my life, I stayed at a stranger's house. It was as awkward the first night as anyone would expect it to be. I made it to her house about fifteen minutes before we were to light candles. Her family (extended) was there. I sat at the table of a stranger with her mother, brother, and sister-in-law. We did kiddush (a prayer over wine or grape juice), and I realized that it was real wine a bit too late. However, with the awkwardness of the night already, I didn't say anything and finished off the glass of wine. It was actually helpful. I don't remember if we lit candles before or after the challah, but I thought it was very thoughtful that she had two candles out for herself to light, two for her sister-in-law to light, and two for me to light. We then said our bruchas (blessings) together. Because it was a holiday and it was the new year, it was technically the first time that year that we had lit candles, so they helped me through a new brucha (blessing) for the experiencing a first. The challah was a honey challah because of the holiday. Honey is added to almost everything, "to have a sweet year." It was a honey wheat and it was delicious. The lady, S, that I stayed with is vegan, so all of the food we ate was meatless. I tried everything. The salad, the beans, and more. It was all very good. It was the first meal I had eaten that day besides a bagel. I had a very busy day and worked through my lunch. Dinner was perfect. Of course her family knew I was arriving and that I am converting. This, of course, meant a lot of questions. I don't know that I can answer all of the questions that everyone asks, but so far, questioning starts the same way. What made you want to convert to Judaism? The simple question of why does not have a simple answer. There is no one thing. There is not a day that I woke up and said, "Oh, I think I'll become Jewish today." No, it was a long process that took years of questioning who I was, my life, my beliefs, my relationship with G-d, my family, my history and my family's history. And then there was the slow letting go of what I knew was wrong and the gradual step toward what I knew was right and where I knew I needed to be. My steps are no longer little or gradual. I to the point of meaningful and purposeful steps with a lengthened stride and holding back on the desire to sprint because I know there are still miles to run. We did a lot of discussion about Judaism, traditions, and the new year. My host's brother asked what year it was (5084) and then said, "I just got used to writing 5083 on my checks." I thought it was a clever joke. Obviously no one writes that date on their checks since the world runs on the secular calendar. It's not funny when I explain it, I know, but I laughed. They were happy to have met me and left after 10pm. I helped my host clean the table, we talked for a short amount of time, and then we went to bed. There were some things that she did differently. She did not have lights turned on throughout her house. She said she normally just walks around in the dark. I hadn't heard of anyone doing that, because I heard that the lights being on in the house symbolized the fact that Jews were a light to the world showing G-d's light. There was a lot of differences between her house and the other two houses that I visited this weekend. I will talk more about that tomorrow. Have a great night! |
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