Hey, Welcome to Writing.com!!I hope you enjoy the site. It's really awesmoe once you get the hang of it. I'll do the best I can with the review, though I'm still only starting out here at writing.com and I'm really not used to reviewing. Hope this helps. Review:
This is a very emotional pice with a lot of feeling and I can see that you put your heart into it when you wrote these words. I'll mention some of the grammar mistakes then go into some things I liked and disliked.
Editing:
There were quite a few grammar mistakes and this is what brought the rating down a bit. Try running it through spellcheck before posting. This helps a lot.
Ok, a couple of things that I'm going to mention instead of listing each mistake. I would capitilize the first letter of the first word of each sentence. That's kind of conufsing but hopefully you'll no what I mean. If by any chance you don't understand something I've said, feel free to email me. Though I'm new also, at least you might have someone to be confused with lol. Ok, Onward with the review.
you have: people spread roumers, laugh at me, sometimes call me names. roumers should be rumours.
you have: Me and thousand of others have learned people can be rude & crule. thousand should be thousands. crule should be cruel.
you have: I know there is others like me born with a trait only jesus can comperhend. jesus should be spelled Jesus(with a capital). And comperhend should be spelled comprehend.
you have: why people bully people like me around I don't know. Comma after around.
you have: ever sences last year things have gotten better eventhough for the occasional outbrust. sences should be since. There should be a space between eventhough.
Actually I think the sentence might flow better if you wrote this:
Ever since last year things have gotten better except for the occasional outbrust.
you have: only if the bullys could see the emotional scars it leaves in us. I would write If only instead of only if.
you have: sometimes these scars still ach bringing back memories of a past that I wish I could froget. ach should be ache. comma after ache. froget should be forget.
you have: what I don't get is why people that are suppost to be your friends turn there backs on you and then treat you like the scum of the earth. suppost should be supposed. There should be their.
you have: only if your so called freinds could see your & other emotional scars. Should be If only. so called should be
so-called. freinds should be friends. & should be and.
you have: Like Hester Pynne the pain of the past will haunt you why I don't know. comma after Pynne
you have: every day on the news you hear someones been killed or has died. someones should be someone's
you have: It hurts me to hear that, I know the family of that person must be emotional scared. scared should be scarred.
you have: how I know is because I have lost plenty of freinds & loveones. freinds should be friends. & should be and. loveones should be loved ones.
you have: emotional scars hurt alot, but you must learn to pickup the piceses an start again. alot is two words: a lot. pickup is two words: pick up. piceses is pieces. an should be and.
*Remember to capitilize at the start of each sentence. This is really important for any future writing you do!
Likes:
I like the amount of feeling you've put into this piece and the emotion. You really bring the reader in by your words. Good job!
I especially like the ending, very well done. It finishs it with a cherry on top.
I like how you spaced between your paragraphs. Well done.
Dislikes/Suggestions:
A lot of it was your grammar, but don't give up on it. Grammar might not be that fun.. but once you get the hang of it it's not that bad. You'll catch on fast.
On your introduction, you have it a little messed up. Try writing this:
People who have been picked on or have lost someone they love can understand this. just a suggestion though.
You tend to repeat on what your saying. Try to read over and pick these parts out.
I would add a little more. You've got a good idea going and you show a lot of feeling, but try adding some kind of experience you've had. Try adding more to make it come alive a little bit.
Overall:
Other than the grammar , you've done a really good job for your first piece. Some touching up and you could make it even better. It has some nice potential. Keep up the good work! Also, if you need anything or have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. just email me and I'll try my best to answer them. Also, whenever you want a review, just ask me and I'm sure I can probably do it. I hope you're having a good time here at writing.com and good luck with all your writing. Hope to hear from you soon.
I think you have a nice piece of work here. It has some good thoughts in it and some nice feelings nestled in it, even though most of the feelings are of hopelessness...I guess you wouldn't call them "nice" but it fits the story. A few grammar mistakes:
Editing:
you have: And she does for the most part, save for sometimes, which are far and few between, when she lets her mind wander and she finds herself remembering Ursula play by the beach with her, and hoping that somewhere, Helen is there again, surrounded by happy foster siblings. You've got a lot of commas in here and..I would have to say that this sentence seemes to run on. Maybe trying rewording a bit.
you have: She repeates it like a mantra under her breath when she can‘t sleep. I think repeates should be spelled repeats.
you have: She is cold and cruel and a harsh reminder to Virginia what will happen to her if she stops believing. I would add the word, "of" in between Virginia and what.
you have: so sure that the every story could have a happy ending, I think you can take out the word "the" in between that and every.
you have: too caught up the fantasy universe she'd traded the grey world for. You missing the word "in" after up.
Likes:
I think you've done a really nice job in expressing some of the feelings that your character is experiencing. For example: There had been so many flaws she simply hadn't seen, hadn't let herself see, too busy with her fictional friends, too caught up the fantasy universe she'd traded the grey world for.
Nicely done!
another thing is your grammar. It's very very good. Few mistakes!
The ending. I really like the way you ended it. Original.
Dislikes/Suggestions:
I would space between your paragraphs and indent each new paragraph. This helps the reader a lot, when trying to read. It also simply looks better.
I find in some parts, it is confusing. In the middle I wasn't exactly sure who was speaking(or things rather) Whether it was Virginia or another sister. I got a little confused. I would just read over it some and maybe reword a few things.
Some of your sentences ran on quite a bit, which kind of cause the confusion that I was mentioning. Try no to use too many commas and if you find your using quite a few,divide it up into sentences a little more.
Overall:
Again, you've got a nice piece. One that I think is worth working on! Just needs a little work. Hope I helped a little. Best of luck. Write On!!
I think you've done a nice job with this. It's short, but sweet. I love the idea that you've used to symbolize a rose and you've done a good job in telling the tale.Your grammar is good and there weren't many mistakes, but I'll point out the ones I've found.
Editing:
you have: As she walked she came upon a pebble. Comma after walked.
you have: It was the most beautiful pebble that she had ever seen so she picked it up and touched it to her lips and then her heart and finally she laid it back down on the ground. I would try rewording it, just because there is three "ands" and it seems to run on a bit.
you have: As she watched him she saw him pull back on a bow string and within seconds an arrow pierced her heart so deep. I think there should be a comma after him.
you have: As she fell to the ground the last words to escape her lips were "But - I love you". Not positive on this one, but I think there should be a comma after ground.
you have: He knew that he loved her too and that is why he had to kill her.
I would say that's instead of that is. It jsut makes it flow a little better.
you have:As the blood flowed from her dying body it ran onto one of the beautiful white flowers closest to her heart staining half of it red. I think there should be a comma after body.
you have: Then he drew his dagger and ran it into his own heart saying "Now we will always be together". I would put a comma after saying.
you have: As he fell to the ground his blood splashed onto the other half of the flower staining it too. I would put a comma after ground.
you have: Having heard the story of the two lovers he began cutting at the thick growth until he came upon the red flower. I would put a comma after lovers.
you have: Again he cut one and took it to his fair maiden to let her know he had returned. Comma after again.
you have: Soon after this became tradition and the one red flower became a single red rose - the symbol for true love. comma after "after".
Likes:
As she fell to the ground the last words to escape her lips were "But - I love you". I think you catch quite a bit of emotion here, and I like it.
As the blood flowed from her dying body it ran onto one of the beautiful white flowers closest to her heart staining half of it red. I think you've got nice iamgery here. I can picture this vividly.
Soon after this became tradition and the one red flower became a single red rose - the symbol for true love. I like this ending. It sums up the story very nicely. Good job!
Dislikes/Suggestions:
I think you should use spaces between your paragraphs and indent each paragraph. This helps the look and also makes for an easier read.
There are a few places that seem to run on. I'd read over it and take out some "ands". I've mentioned one but I've also found one or two more that you might be able to re-word.
You have places where you have nice imagery, but there are other places where you might be able to add some more. Describe the surroundings a bit more when the girl is walking through the garden. Decribe her and this man. This is just my opinion though(I tend to lvoe description). It's totally up to you.
Overall:
I think you've got a nice peice here and you tell it well. Good luck with your writing and keep up the good work! Write On!!
This is a very heart-touching piece. I love how you put a lot of emotion into it and how you expressed yourself through your writing. You've done a really nice job with this. First off, the editing.
Editing:
You Have: 6 years ago, we began a journey. I would put 6 as six. My English teacher bugged me with this forever and I think I've finally caught on. The same goes for all the numbers in your piece.
You Have: It begain with worrying about just a late talking child, and ended with dealing with the maze that is "Autism". begain should be began.
You Have: In the beginning, I swore my son, couldn't be autistic, no way. I would take out the comma after son.
You Have: a non verbal child, who rocks, or who acts like Dustin Hoffman in "The Rainman". I would put a comma after in.
You Have: I have spent the past 6 years, learning so many things. I would take out the comma after years.
You Have: Others more of an personal challenge; I would put a comma after others and "an" should only be a.
You Have: How I love this little child of mine, I would put a period instead of a comma after mine.
You Have: but Cameron has truly shown me how you can still love someone, that you are exasperated with. I would take out the comma after someone.
You Have: But they are coming further and further apart as I learn to appreciate the wonderful special person he is. I would put a comma after wonderful.
You Have: In a world, where we tend to classify people as round or square, he's an octagon. I would take out the comma after world.
Likes:
I definitely like the whole idea of your story. The way you have made it very interesting. Well done!
I love the title and it's actual meaning. It's very nice.
My favorite sentence would have to be:
"Someone who doesn't see the world through the same lenses as the rest of us, but instead challenges us to see the world through his eyes." This is very nice...I love it!!
Dislikes/Suggestions:
This is more of a suggestion, but I would say that you should indent. Just makes it look a little nicer.
....Really there isn't many things I didn't like. Just a few grammar mistakes and it would be near perfect. Well done!
Overall:
You've done an excellent job in showing your feelings toward your son and showing how he is different but in a good way. And how you have grown from this journey and come to realize many things, that have no doubt changed your life. Great job and Keep Writing!!
This is really nice. You have a lot of emotion and you write it really good in the story. You keep the reader attatched with the emotion that you show. Good job! A few suggestions would be to space between paragraphs. This helps when reading it and makes it look better. Also I would indent at each new paragraph. I found a few grammar errors:
You have:As I walked I remembered all the fun we use to have.
should be: As I walked, I remembered all the fun we use to have.
(there should be a comma after walk)
You Have:I some times heard mom and him yelling, then I would hear the door slam and mommy crying.
( there shouldn't be a space between some and time, it should be sometime)
Should be:I sometimes heard mom and him yelling, then I would hear the door slam and mommy crying.
You Have: I told her there where two men in uniforms that needed to talk to her.
(it should be were instead of where)
Should be: I told her there were two men in uniforms that needed to talk to her.
You Have: Mommy walked into the room, looked at my friend and she started crying.
(I would take out the "she" in this)
Should Be: Mommy walked into the room, looked at my friend and started crying.
You Have: When I looked at him again he looked tired, mommy asked me to wait out side so she could talk to him.
(I would put a period after tired. Then a capital on mommy. Also, I would make out and side one word)
Should Be: When I looked at him again he looked tired. Mommy asked me to wait outside so she could talk to him.
You Have: Mom came out a few minutes later and as we were leaving I asked he if he was asleep now and if we could come back and see him when he got up.
(I think he meant to be her)
Should Be: Mom came out a few minutes later and as we were leaving I asked her if he was asleep now and if we could come back and see him when he got up.
You Have: She had tears in her eyes as shook her head no and told me that he would never wake up again.
(I think you forgot the word "she" in between as and shook)
Should Be: She had tears in her eyes as she shook her head no and told me that he would never wake up again.
You Have: She said, “ I know baby, but he is still with us even though we can see him.
( There shouldn't be a space between the quotation marks and "I". Also, I think you mean't to say can't after we) This is kind of hard to explain :) But this is what it should like like.
Should Be:She said, “I know baby, but he is still with us even though we can't see him.
You Have: He will always be watching over us with Jesus up in heaven”.
(The quatation marks should be after the period at the end.)
Should Be: He will always be watching over us with Jesus up in heaven."
You Have: As I grow up I understood better, what mommy was trying to tell me back then.
(grow should be grew)
You Have: As I talked my husband came up behind me and smiled.
(there should be a comma after talked.)
You Have: then got up and introduce my new baby boy named after my friend to my friend, who had also been my father.
(introduce should be introduced)
You Have: As we were turning to leave I thought I hear my father say
( I think you meant heard instead of hear)
Overall nicely done!
darkskye
This is definitely an emotional peice with a lot of thought put into it. And I like it! It's confusing in ways and deep but the things in it make a person wonder and keep the reader attatched to it. Nice job! I have a few suggestions and I've also found a few grammar mistakes that are usually hard to miss.
Grammar Mistakes:
You Have: I wake with all the morning about me in cool sunlight’s praise of the unworthy.
***This doesn't sound right to me. I don't know for sure but I think it's missing a word somewhere in it. I can't really think of anything that would make it sound right. Maybe you can though. :)
You Have: In fact, I do not know whether this rain has come at the right time, or the exact wrong.
(This is jsut small but I think it might sound better if do not was changed to don't.)
You Have: Whether it be the clichéd harbinger of my doom or the inspiratory work of some higher power, I must doubt that it is anything but the word of my lord: the word of my own self.
(Again, this is something small but I would change it is to it's. I would do this to all the "it is" in your story. :)
You Have: And in this place there is nothing but me.
(I would take out the And.)
There really isn't much grammar mistakes. There were a few places that I wasn't sure whether they needed commas or not so I didn't want to put any in case they were wrong :S. One more suggestions would be to break up your story into paragraphs and indent them. This helps when the reader is reading the story and it simply looks better too when it's in smaller pieces rather than in one big chunk. Overall though, you've done a really nice job with this. Keep up the great work!
Write On!
darkskye
I think this is a very emotional story with a lot of potential. I was wondering, I know the last part can't be true because you wouldn't be writing it right now, but is the car crash real or something you made up because for something that you might have made up, it definitly has a lot of feeling and a sadness to it.
Some Suggestions: I think you told it pretty good, but you could always go into more description and go even deeper into the person's thoughts and feelings. Also, the ending seemed so sudden and is it really the way you want to end it. I mean, it's just so sad. But, that's entirely up to you. Try reading it out loud to yourself once you've finished. This always helps in finding errors.
Grammar Mistakes: There was just a few spelling mistakes and grammar errors.
You Have: I woke up in the hospital and I saw my sister Mackena sitting next to my bed, and then I remembered, I remembered the car crash, There should be a period at the end instead of a comma.
You Have: Mackena said "Oh! Anna, your awake!" your should be you're
You Have: I however immediatly started to scream. There should be a comma after I.
You Have: While she was gone I had a flash back of the crash - I was driving, and mom was sitting next to me in the passangers sitting gently encouraging me This doesn't seem to make sense.
You Have: When suddenly she yelled "Anna! Brake!" and than it all went black. There should be a comma after yelled and than should be spelled then.
You Have: Thats when Mackena told me "We lost her Anna, we lost her forever." There should be a comma after me.
You Have: Two weeks later, I was released from the hospital, Mackena came into the hospital room her long, blonde hair still messy and her grey eyes frantic. There should be a period instead of a comma between hosplital and Mackena. Also, there should be a comma after room.
You Have: She said "Anna, the police still haven't found dad, we'll have to go stay with Grandma." There should be a comma after said. Also, I think haven't should be spelled havn't.
You Have: Our grandma was one of my favourite people and we hadn't seen our dad in 12 years so I didn't really care all that much. There should be a comma between years and so.
You Have: The truth is I didn't really care all that much about anyting. There should be a comma after is. Also, anyting should be spelled anything.
You Have: Our aunt was a marine biologist, so every day that horrible women made me go with her and watch the stupid dolphins, swim around. There should be no comma after dolphins.
Overall: You have a really nice if not emotional story that could be developed even more. You've definitely made me feel what this character is going through and I think if you elaborated even more on the character's feelings and emotions, then it will make this story even better. Great work! Keep Writing!!
darkskye
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Review:
Editing:
lol. Ok, Onward with the review.
roumers should be rumours.
Likes: 
Overall:
Dislikes/Suggestions:
Editing:
One more suggestions would be to break up your story into paragraphs and indent them. This helps when the reader is reading the story and it simply looks better too when it's in smaller pieces rather than in one big chunk. Overall though, you've done a really nice job with this. Keep up the great work!
There should be a comma after is. Also, anyting should be spelled anything.