Love it sis. The only thing I would change possibly would be the second line. Maybe break it off into another line: A smothering indistinctness of betrayal as memories creep.
Maybe you could cut it off at indistinctness and make the rest of it another line... and add maybe another two words or so after creep. Something like this maybe:
A smothering indistinctness of betrayal
as memories creep along forgotten flames.
Or something like that
I really like it though. It holds a lot of emotion in such few words. :)
Love yeah!
Wow sis! Awesome poem. :) You've really come a long way since your first. I remember back when you thought you couldn't write poetry Some of my favorite lines would have to be:
Lick your child's skin as they sleep in torment.
Golly never look into their eyes.
They know your sins, and your children are payment.
*awesome conclusion!
What an adorable piece! The ending really made me smile. In under 300 words you really hit it. That's just too cute
Suggestions: Things in your piece that can be improved to better your piece. Keep in mind, these things are only my opinion.
I would space between paragraphs. Try and split this thing up a bit so as it is easier to read and looks a bit nicer presenting it.
and waiting in the freezing cold to purchase item at a greatly discounted price.
*item should be items
The next morning, I carefully dressed the 14 month old angel and placed in her car seat without so much as a peep.
*After old angel it should be and placed her in her car seat without so much as a peep.
on the way to first stop on our list,
* before first there should be the word "the"
Overall: My overall thoughts.
Overall, an excellent story. With some editing it would be worth a 5.0. Thanks for sharing.
Basics: Some comments on different aspects of your poem.
Imagery:The imagery is a bit lacking in this poem. It's a cute little poem with some appreciation nestled in the lines. Maybe if you expanded it a bit, you could squeeze in so much more imagery and really bring the reader into what you are trying to say. Just a suggestion though
Flow:The flow is great. The big spaces between each line are great! And seemed to improve the flow for me.
Mood:The mood was great. Especially at the end, you really show the tiredness with the pauses. Great work!
Structure:Love the big spaces as I said above. Makes a bit difference.
Likes: Things in your piece that really caught my eye.
I love the simplisticness of it, I just wish it went a bit further into it.
Love the last cuople of lines!
Suggestions: Things in your piece that can be improved to better your piece. Keep in mind, these things are only my opinion.
Try adding some iamgery and expanding it a bit. Other than that, great work!
Basics: Some comments on different aspects of your poem.
Imagery:The imagery in this piece is absolutely wonderful. I've never quite seen anything like it before. Each line oozes with description at just the right amount. Not too much and not too little. Some of my favorite lines would have to be: On rainy nights, I hear plump kisses smack the pavement Could you take the sullen face of the wanderer as long as my hand was safe in yours? Let the water whisper on the rooftop *Amazing last two lines by the way. And the spaces are a great touch for the last two lines also. It gives them a certain impact that is really great.
Flow:The flow is beautiful. I was going to suggest adding periods but on second thought I think that would distract the reader and make the poem more choppy so nevermind with that.
Rhyme:Doesn't apply.
Mood:The mood was great. I love the rain and you brought my mind back to the many memories I have with the rain. The scene you created with me was a peaceful, serene setting. One that I really enjoyed.
Structure:Nothing wrong with the structure. the one thing I might suggest would be to center it. Just to see what it might look like.
Likes: Things in your piece that really caught my eye.
Loved the imagery!! Loved the last two lines. And the title matches beautifully.
Suggestions: Things in your piece that can be improved to better your piece. Keep in mind, these things are only my opinion.
Huge, drops of glassy tears saturating the earth
*I don't think the comma after Huge is needed.
No other suggestions. Well done!
Overall: My overall thoughts.
Overall, great work. I really enjoyed this piece and the imagery that went along with it. Thanks for sharing.
This is a really nice, heartfelt piece you have here. I really liked the idea. The title and rating all fit good. Also, the ending was very uplifting and inspiring. Well done! There were some grammar errors I notcied within your piece that made the story a bit confusing at parts. I will try and point out most of them. Though, if I were you, I would read your piece out loud and see where you could improve on. Here are some of my suggestions.
Suggestions: Things in your piece that can be improved to better your piece. Keep in mind, these things are only my opinion.
The Rivers official name was Benedict.
*Rivers should not have a capital and should look like this: The river's official name was Benedict.
Consequently many people over the years had committed suicide along these shores.
*I think there should be a comma after Consequently.
Consequently many people over the years had committed suicide along these shores.
*ghost should be ghosts
Hello the man said he had a deep, but non-intimadateting voice.
*Should look something like this: "Hello," the man said in a deep, but non-intimadateting voice.
"Hi seems kind of slow."
*There should be a comma after Hi
He could tell by Gabriel's eyes that he did not recognize the name in a way it was refreshing.
*I think you should seperate this into two different sentences. For example: He could tell by Gabriel's eyes that he did not recognize the name. In a way it was refreshing.
"Hello Aaron, James the usual?" ask Gabriel as he went over to the coffee pot
* ask should be asked
"Your wonderful Gabriel thank you very much said Aaron with a heavy Tennessee accent.
There's a couple things wrong in this setence. Here's what it should look like: "You're wonderful Gabriel thank you very much," said Aaron, with a heavy Tennessee accent.
Gabriel came back Marcus and asked him if he wanted some food he bragged about how good the house burger was and it did look good so Marcus ordered it.
*I think I know what you mean with this setence, but you might want to re-word it a bit.
" I like to get to know my customers tell me about yourself. What do you do for a living?"
"Ok I was a lead singer for a band called Inspiration. We were on our way to the top it was an incredible ride that Billy, that was my best friend and myself never would have dreamed possible. We started just him and me in my garage I'm sure my neighbors hated us. He smiled and took a drag of cigarette. The memories came back to him he had tried so hard to forget them.
* There's a lot of parts in this paragraph that seem to run on. I would read through it again and place some periods and commas where they are needed to help it read a bit smoother.
"Hi my names Angelica she said and these are my friends Bridget, Sandy and Shelia we had to stop your voice is incredible."
* It should look something like this: "Hi my name's Angelica," she said "and these are my friends Bridget, Sandy and Shelia. We had to stop, your voice is incredible."
"What happen with Billy?"
*happen should be happened.
I- I should have been there stooped him I was his best friend.
*stooped should be stopped.
His recovery was long and hard and Angelica was there every step of it and they got married a year.
* you shouold add the word, later after year.
He wondered though if it was all a dream because he was never able to find the dream cafe again
*dream should have a capital on it.
Overall: My overall thoughts.
Overall, this is a great story. The theme is strong, it's just some of the grammar you have to work on. I found the biggest thing you have to watch for it run on sentences. It makes the story a bit difficult to read when you're not sure where to stop and start again. I picked out all the grammar...at least most of it though I think I missed some places where you should have commas, but I didn't say where all the run on sentences were as there were quite a few. Overall, great story though. Fix the grammar part up and maybe add some more description(though there's some places where you have some awesome description) and it'll be worth a 5.0. Thanks for the read!
Great article! It's been a while since I've been writing any stories since I'm so into poetry lately, but I hope someday to travel back to all the characters I have(or will in the future) created and use these thoughtful and awesome tips on how to make your character more real. My favorite one out of them all and the one that would mean the most to me would have to be: Assign peculiarities.I think this one makes a lot of sense. Does she have to walk on the inside wall of the top floor of a mall because the railing is terrifying? There's me
Suggestions: Things in your piece that can be improved to better your piece. Keep in mind, these things are only my opinion.
None. Puncuation and the thought you have put into this is great.
Overall: My overall thoughts.
Overall, great work. I really enjoyed it and though I usually don't read articles, I found yours to be quite enjoyable. Thanks for the read! By the way, the title is pretty catchy.
First off, nice work with this!. I love the first few lines especially.
A break in the seams
Of bleach white-washed dreams
Leaks a ghost of a scream
a cry.
These were my favorite lines. Great flow and perfect rhyme. Great starting stanza. I also really like the title of this. Works very nicely.
A few suggestions. Those these are just my opinion and feel free to disregard them as you please
First off, I feel you lost "the feel" of the poem a bit in the second and third stanza, but then gain it back again in the last stanza. You have something in that first and last stanza that you seem to be missing in the middle two. What I would suggest on improving this or editing it would be to add more. Make the middle even bigger and leave the first and last stanza alone. Just focus on the middle and see if you can create a couple more stanzas. Then, go back and read each out loud and see which ones are the strongest in both emotion and depth.
And one more thing. Black-winged caresses
* I could be mistaken, but did you mean for caresses to be carcasses?
Overall, great dark poem. I absolutely love dark poetry and I definitely see something in this. Again, can't say it enough Love that first stanza!
Thank you for the good read.
Take care,
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dreamed before. - Edgar Allen Poe
Basics: Some comments on different aspects of your poem.
Imagery: This is a nice poem, though I feel it would have benefited from just a bit more imagery and feeling. It feels a bit too much like the many other poems I've read from others. There's just nothing that sticks out in it. However, it is well done.
Flow:The flow is nice throughout. There are a few lines that could use some work with the flow:
My eyes glance my suround
*This doesn't flow well with the rest of the lines in your poem and I think you mean "surroundings". Though not sure :P
But you are nowhere to be found.
*I think this would flow better if you put "you are" together to make "you're"
Rhyme:The rhyme is done pretty well. It seems you wanted every line in each seperate stanza to rhyme so an AAAA,BBBB kind of rhyme scheme. However, in the first stanza, second line:
{i{ What has happened to my core?
* "core" doesn't rhyme with the other lines.
Other than that I must say well done with the rhyming. That would have been quite difficult to rhyme 4 lines in each stanza and not make them seem overally forced. Well done!
Mood: The mood is on the sad/depressive side, but that's exactly my style And towards the end I really like how you expressed a feeling of impatience in that last stanza. Ends it off very nicely.
Structure:Well done with the structure. I like how you keep the lines for each stanza in similiar lengths. Good job!
Suggestions: Things in your piece that can be improved to better your piece. Keep in mind, these things are only my opinion.
I've pretty well mentioned most of the suggestions in the sections above. Hope they help, however if you feel differently, by all means throw them out
Basics: Some comments on different aspects of your poem.
Imagery:Beautiful imagery! You did an awesome job drawing the reader in immediatly with not only your words, but how they were placed. here are my favorite lines:
Threading the needle.Sewing together the
images in my head,
*Awesome work!
Flow: The flow is great. Has a certain rhythm to it that I really enjoyed. The length of the ilnes and how it starts off short, then gets long int the middle, then goes back down, fits this poem wonderfully.
Rhyme:There was none.
Mood: When I first started reading this, I didn't look at the introduction and it reminded me of something totally different than writer's block. However, I really like that, how this poem and the words can apply to different things that relate to the reader, however you still have the introduction to let the reader know how the poem was meant for you. Well done!
Structure: The structure is one of my favorite things about this. fits the poem very well. Is it any specific form?
Suggestions: Things in your piece that can be improved to better your piece. Keep in mind, these things are only my opinion.
The only thing that I didn't like was the third stanza and how you kept re-using the word Always. This is completely just my opinion and feel free to ignore me. But I find it a bit repetitive and maybe that stanza could use a little spicing up.
Overall: My overall thoughts.
Overall, definitely an enjoyable piece. Thanks for the read!
Hey there, just thought I would return the favor since you gave me a review on my poem. I can't get over how young people are on this site. People are starting out so early writing. It's nice to see. As for me, I'm only a year older than you, 15. You're port is really developing. Good work! Now on to your short story.
Likes: Things in your piece that really caught my eye.
I love the originality of this short story. And the bit of sense of humour. It adds a lot to it. Great work developing this! Love the ending too!
Suggestions: Things in your piece that can be improved to better your piece. Keep in mind, these things are only my opinion.
My first suggestion which would make a big difference is to put spaces between paragraphs in your story. It would make the read a lot easier and would help the format greatly! Even indenting too would help.
You have: His eyes gave out that alert look as if to say “Beware”.
*There should be a comma after say.
You Have: What was I meant to say to that?
*I would change meant to suppose. Make the sentence flow a bit nicer.
You Have:The one on his right was short, squat and was wearing a pair of dungarees, I could already see the grime under his fingernails.
*I would make this two different sentences. Make the comma after dungarees a period.
You Have:The short, squat man looked like he new exactly where to go ...
*new should be knew
Overall: My overall thoughts.
Overall, nicely done. Again, awesome idea. With a bit of editing here and there it could reafch to a 5.0 rating. well done!
Hey there. I saw your port in the "Invalid Item" and thought I would take a look. What an awesome place you have here! Your port is so neat. Nice original names for all your folders which I've always liked and plenty of writing. I've decided to stop by here since I've always had a love for nature. This poem...beautifully done.
Basics: Some comments on different aspects of your poem.
Imagery:The imagery is what really drew me in. It's probably my favorite thing in a poem. You've done an excellent job with it. My favorite stanza would have to be the third one. I think it's really beautifully done and portrays a really nice image in my mind.
Flow:Flows beautifully.I read the poem silent and outloud and I can see nothing wrong with the flow. Awesome work!
Rhyme:Rhymes are all perfect!
Mood:To me, the mood was peaceful. I've always found nature peaceful even a storm is beautiful to me and has its own sense of peace to it. You showed that sense of peace in this piece and that really drew me in.
Structure:The strucutre is nice. Maybe add a green color or bold the title might help the overall look a bit.
Likes: Things in your piece that really caught my eye.
Favorite thing was by far the imagery! Awesome work!
Suggestions: Things in your piece that can be improved to better your piece. Keep in mind, these things are only my opinion.
Really my only suggestion would be ehre Me, I'm keeping watchful eye
*I think I would add the word "a" after keeping.
As it is now, it doesn't sound right.
Overall: My overall thoughts.
Overall, awesome work! Definitely an enjoyable piece.
Hey there. Thanks for entering in my Write AWay Contest. It's much appreciated!
Basics: Some comments on different aspects of your poem.
Imagery:This poem is very well done. The one thing that I think you are lacking just a bit of is imagery. As I read your poem I couldn't picture it very well in my mind because I had nothing to go by. It's a great poem though! It just needs a bit of work as far as the imagery goes.
Flow:The flow was pretty good for the most part. Here's a couple of parts that were a bit rough:
The only home she knows, on the street where she lies
*I think this would sound a bit better if you took away the comma and put the word "is". Or you could even leave the comma and just put the word "is" after the comma. But I think that word is needed.
She shivers, no shoes, torn clothes, suffering from the cold winds bite
*Though I like what you are saying I think this line is a bit too long and disrupts the flow just a bit. Maybe shorten it up a little.
Rhyme:Rhymes are all very well done!
Mood:The mood was definitely sad and even though you didn't have that much iamgery you still showed off a lot of emotion which means that if you developeed this poem a little more and added to it than you would really hit the reader. As it is now, you still have great emotion involved which really brings the reader in. Well done!
Structure:I like the centering you've done with this. Great structure.
Likes: Things in your piece that really caught my eye.
I love the emotion in this. It really hit me. Awesome work!
Suggestions: Things in your piece that can be improved to better your piece. Keep in mind, these things are only my opinion.
My big suggestion is add more imagery. You're probably getting sick of me saying that by now but I really think it could improve this piece greatly. I think this piece has great promise and with a little more development it could be even greater.
The little girl sits alone, wondering why
She still sits, no home, and all filled with dread
*In these two lines it seems as if you're repeating the same thing twice. Maybe try and see if you can come up with something else for one of those two lines.
Overall: My overall thoughts.
Overall, great work. Definitely worth a 4.5 though I think you could really put the rating up at perfect if you worked on it a bit. Email me if you ever do.
Winners for the contest should be announced within the next couple of days.
Hey there Nice piece you have here. Very enjoyable.
Basics: Some comments on different aspects of your poem.
Imagery:The imagery in this was really beautiful. I love when in poetry plenty of imagery and description is used and that's exactly what you've done here. It's really nice to be able to picture everything and that's what really brings a reader into your world. Well done!
Flow:It flowed pretty well for the ton of imagery in it. There were a few rough places in it. Nothing to be too worried about but if you really want to work on perfecting this than maybe making some changes would help a bit.
of the most ancient of seas
*I read over this stanza about three times and outloud because I was iffy on it and I would have to say it needs a bit of work as far as the flow goes.
And also the last stanza needs some work for the flow.
Rhyme:I never really noticed until I read this out loud but you do have a few problems with your rhyming. If you were going to go free-verse than there really shouldn't have been any rhyme. But in the first two stanzas you have an AABB rhyme scheme going on. Then in the next few stanzas this scheme seems to be a bit rocky. It seems like you're trying to do the same rhyme scheme but your rhymes are off. For example:
until a warmth, the cause unknown,
wrought havoc unto natures fold.
*unknown and fold don't rhyme.
As glaciers melted, and winds arose
wearing into ancient stones
*arose and stones don't rhyme.
And then in the last stanza the rhyme is completely off. You might want to decide whether you want rhyme in this or not. Personally I think it's good with rhyme, there are just a few places that need to be fixed up.
Mood:The mood, though you say in your description is suppose to be playful, it didn't seem that way to me. To me, the piece held more of a mysteriousness and somewhat peacefullness to it rather than playfullness. But this could have just been the way I took it.
Structure:The structure is pretty good. One thing I would do just to spice it up some is to put your title in and bold/underline it. This just adds a little something extra to it.
Likes: Things in your piece that really caught my eye.
My favorite thing about your poem was the imagery. Really beautiful!
Suggestions: Things in your piece that can be improved to better your piece. Keep in mind, these things are only my opinion.
I would try working on your rhymes and the flow as I said above and also I would take out a couple of the brackets that you have in place throughout your piece. They are a bit distracting and really aren't needed.
Overall: My overall thoughts.
Overall, nice job. I don't mean to be to hard on you. Really, this piece is really nice it justs needs a bit of touching up. You have the idea and you ahve the imagery, you just need to work on a few other aspects of the poem. Good luck with this!
Hey there This was very cute. lol. I read the introduction and that immeditaly sparked my curoisity. I mean a person falling in love....with themselves. lol. This is nice and original with some really good humour to draw the reader in. Nice work
Suggestions: Things in your piece that could be changed to improve it. However, this is only my opinion
He wanted to shatter it…yet if he did,
*THe elipses(...) should only be used in dialogue. Small rule but thought I should mention it.
“I’m just…just practicing my acting.”
*For this the elipses(...) should be spaced between each dot like this: . . .
Hey there This is really nice. Sad but nice. The emotion is strong in it and the imagery adds so much. You really drew me in by having such strong emotion and imagery at the same time which a lot of pieces either have one more than the other. Good work!
Suggestions: Things in your piece that could be changed to improve it. However, this is only my opinion
Choppy waters raging storm
* I think this would sound better if there was a comma after waters, because there is a pretty big pause there.
In the first stanza I find the first three lines are excellent, but in the rest of the stanza the flow seems to go really off. Maybe try re-wording some stuff there.
In the third stanza, the last line is also a bit off with the flow. Just experiment with the line and read the poem out line. Maybe you'll see what I mean, but then again it might just be me. The second stanza, fourth, fifth, and last one are all perfect though with excellent flow. Well done!
Overall: My overall thoughts on the piece
Overall, nice work! I really enjoyed this. You bring the reader in with some great imagery and emotion. Well done!
Hello, Cappy
Here's my review of your piece, "Lost"
Hey there This was nice. I like the idea you have here, the losing youself in your loves eyes,etc. It holds a lot of emotion and really nice imagery too! Well done!
Suggestions: Things in your piece that could be changed to improve it. However, this is only my opinion
I would suggest adding more to this. I find it a bit dull as it is now. Though it has a good idea to it and nice emotion I feel it's lacking something. I think it would really help if you expanded upon what you're saying. Create even more emotion and imagery for the reader. This definitely has potential in my opinion.
Overall: My overall thoughts on the piece
Overall, nice work. A little more work to it would help, but good work overall.
Hey there This was nice. A different way of doing a poem. I love the idea of falling in love with a drop of rain. It sounds so peaceful and beautiful. Nice ending also.
Suggestions: Things in your piece that could be changed to improve it. However, this is only my opinion
My big suggestion here is the structure you have with this. Though it's different and it does have a nice quality about it, I would just experiment with a different structure or form. Just to see the difference in the two and maybe compare. Just a suggestion though.
Hey there This was a nice poem with a lot of emotion to really draw the reader into this characters turmoil. Some nice imagery used throughout too!
Suggestions: Things in your piece that could be changed to improve it. However, this is only my opinion
You Have: I had planned to make vow.
* you might want to add the word "a" after make.
You Have:But after what I saw, it was not mine to say.
*Though I definitely like this line and it goes well with the poem, it doesn't flow as well the the lines before. Compared to the other lines before this, this line seems a bit too long compared to the others. I would just try to shorten it up a bit to help the flow.
You Have:You told me would be together.
*You should add the word, "we" after me.
You Have: I feel this more painful than if I were dying!
*again, as in the first stanza, this line is too long to flow well with the lines before it. Just try shortening it up a bit.
That's about it. This was prety good. I think it has potential, it just needs some editing and mostly a bit of work on the flow of it.
Overall: My overall thoughts on the piece
Overall, nice work! Email me if you work on it and I'll come back to re-rate it for you. Take care.
Hey there Really cool poem you have here. What really drew me in was the sense of mysteroiusness buried within this poem. The ending especially made me stare for a moment and really think. Also, the imagery you used throughout this was wonderful and really really drew me into the poem and into this world. Excellent work!
Suggestions: Things in your piece that could be changed to improve it. However, this is only my opinion
My big big suggestion here that would help a LOT, in my opinion would be to develop some kind of strucutre to this. As you have it now it's all clumped together and is a bit hard to read and disrupts the flow. This is pretty well all that brought down your rating and a few other mistakes here and there. It really has nothing to do with your poem at all because in my opiion this is absolutely beautiful. You just need to better organize the structure. It would really help!
You Have:Wondering where life had gone
*had should be has
You Have:Dreaming or longing for better times
*I think this would sound nicer if it was: Dreaming and longing for better times
That's pretty well it. If you ever decided to fix this up a bit, especially the strucutre then definitely email me and I would glady re-rate it. Wonderful work!
Overall: My overall thoughts on the piece
Overall, awesome job! Absolutely loved the imagery and myseroisness here.
Hey there This a nice peice filled with some really nice emotions of love and hope. Nice work!
Suggestions: Things in your piece that could be changed to improve it. However, this is only my opinion
There were quite a few mistakes in thsi taht really detracted from your poem. I've highlighted most of them below in green and changed them to what I think they should be.
It's so care free.
When we call,
When we fall.
When we're sad.
When we're mad. We're here for each other,
Forever and always. You're more than a Brother, Through the days.
Along with these corrections and maybe adidng some more to this poem...I think you could definitely pump this up some. Good job!
Overall: My overall thoughts on the piece
Overall, nice work! If you edit it, email me and I'll re-reate it for you
hey thereThis was nice. I like the nice sense of emotion...of love and a sense of hope. It's very nicely done
Suggestions: Things in your piece that could be changed to improve it. However, this is only my opinion
There were quite a few things with this that really brought down your rating. If you could fix them, I definitely think it would bring your rating up. I've done over the poem and put the correct use of puncuation/grammar in it. Some other things I've done which I'm not going to highlight is all your i's should be capitals ( I ) and all your u's should be you's ( you ) These are small things but things that detract from your poem. All new things are in green, except the i's, and u's which I'll leave up to you to fix.
I think of u and stay (c:green}awake
To wish i was by your side
To wish u were holding me
if only u were there I would be happy
Knowing you're happy lets me sleep at night
but only if you're by my side
to wish your hand in mine
to wish your heart as one
to share the love I have to give
All I wish is to be with you
Overall: My overall thoughts on the piece
Overall, nice work here. Don't forget the i's and u's. Good poem...Just some editing here and there would really improve it.
Hello, Neena
Here's my review of your piece, "The Truth"
Hey there, nice piece you have here. You definitely draw the reader in with your strong show of emotion. Nice work! I really like the end too! How you use "I'm at a loss" as your last three sentences is a nice touch.
Suggestions: Things in your piece that could be changed to improve it. However, this is only my opinion
You Have: Let's sit here & know
The &'s that you use throughout this piece is a bit distracting. This is being pretty picky(e:delight} but I would change those to the actual word "and".
You Have:Having something so deep & meaningful as a relationship means giving, taking, sacrficing, putting aside your pride.
*after your last comma in this sentence you should put an "and" after it.
Overall: My overall thoughts on the piece
Overall, nice work with this! Definitely an enjoyable peice.
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A smothering indistinctness of betrayal as memories creep.
Some of my favorite lines would have to be:
Suggestions:
Overall:
Basics:
Likes:
I love the simplisticness of it, I just wish it went a bit further into it. 
Love the last cuople of lines!
And the title matches beautifully. 
No other suggestions. 
Overall:
Overall, this is a great story. The theme is strong, it's just some of the grammar you have to work on. I found the biggest thing you have to watch for it run on sentences. It makes the story a bit difficult to read when you're not sure where to stop and start again. I picked out all the grammar...at least most of it though I think I missed some places where you should have commas, but I didn't say where all the run on sentences were as there were quite a few. Overall, great story though. Fix the grammar part up and maybe add some more description(though there's some places where you have some awesome description) and it'll be worth a 5.0. 
Likes:
Overall: