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76
76
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: E | (4.5)
You are being reviewed by "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS"  [E] for giving such awesome reviews yourself! Keep up the great work.


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This is a cute little poem that struck me just the right way. For a man who has raised a daughter, like me, it will have even more meaning. The description of the item specifies the child as a daughter, but there are no gender-specific lines, so the poem itself would apply equally well to a son. I loved the last few lines; it brings back memories of when my now big girl was small. This is sure to bring a smile to anyone’s face. Nicely done.

EarlyHours

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77
77
Review of Plaguewood  
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I happened across your poem while checking out the contest, "Invalid Item" .

It is a wonderfully vivid, eerily dark poem. The writer's use of imagery is outstanding. Even though in poem format, a story is told, with a beginning, a middle and an end. It even has conflict and a resolution, of sorts. The reader can really feel what the subject is going through, including the fear.

Overall, this is a well written poem, full of imagery, and incredibly engaging. Nice work!

EarlyHours

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78
78
Review of Dance of Death  
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: E | (4.5)

*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


A very cutting poem about conforming. People strive to be what others think they should be. We try to fit into the molds that other people make for us. Sometimes this is to our own detriment, as it is for the subject of this poem. The poem is well written and insightful, with a sarcastic, almost sardonic commentary at the end. A really good read. Nice job!

EarlyHours

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79
79
Review of 'Droid Void  
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: E | (5.0)

*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


An entertaining, and fascinating read. This story tracks the last micro-moments of a robot's life. Or existence. The story very cleverly shows the robot's intelligence, and maybe even sentience. There is even some one sided dialogue between the robot and it's creator, Zach, as its life is dwindling away. Do we know of any other writers who described sentient robots? Maybe Isaac Asimov? Well that's where the satisfying twist comes in, and I don't want to give it away here.

In addition to the general comments above, I was very impressed with the fine details of the writer's style. Subtle but effective wording permeates the piece. For example, in the passage: It burns that I can not feel the radiation emanating from my tin sheaf. It sears my soul that I can not see the tarnish thus instigated on my canister. It smolders that I can not smell the insulation of my electrical leads smoking in these last few milliseconds. Burns is associated with radiation, sears is associated with tarnish, and smolders is associated with smoking. I like the effect produced.

I am further interested in this concept because my Group Leader, The Vigilante Angel , lives totally within the electronic cyber-ether of WDC, and became sentient right here in our own online community. *Wink*

Nice job!

EarlyHours

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80
80
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: E | (5.0)

*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*



The first time I read through this poem, I was a bit lost. I didn't have a frame of reference, and I didn't get the subject matter. But a note at the bottom of the page explained the poem's background. Armed with that information, I reread the poem, and was astounded by the depth and beauty of it.

The imagery is outstanding. Who can't feel the music in this line: I remember the caress of the notes flittering about the air.... ? And what a wonderful description of an old piano this is: White ivory, black as night, worn wood smooth to my gentle touch.... Excellent.

The goodbye at the end feels sad, just as the author intended. The skill of this writer is very evident. I wonder if the explanatory line at the bottom should be moved to the top.

I can't wait to read more. Nice job!

EarlyHours

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81
81
Review of -- Boys brother--  
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


This is a deeply moving poem about relationship, love and war. A Muslim and a Jew grow up together, as friends, but are pulled to their respective sides of the well-known conflict. The imagery is good and the underlying ideas are well illustrated. The style presents the material well, so as to effectively evoke emotion in the reader. All these aspects make the poem very engaging as it tells the story. And a twist with a lesson caps it off at the end.

Just a few suggestions:

They forgot who each other were, They forgot who each other was,

One boys’ clan yelled at the other, Did you mean, boy’s clan…?

They would get no where, They would get nowhere,

How much they forgot about each others fun, each other’s fun,

This was an interesting read. I am glad I took the time to think about it and absorb what the author was saying. Nice job.

*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Halfstar*


EarlyHours

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82
82
Review of The Minute  
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


I came upon this author’s portfolio while looking through the list of “WDC Birthdays.” And I’m glad I did. “Bob” is an amazingly talented writer. This item tells a story and teaches a lesson. The vehicle for learning the lesson is a creative twist on the “Ground Hog Day” scenario. In other words, a period of time that repeats over and over, trapping someone into repeating events. This story was different in that the participant was an observer within his own body, without the ability to interact differently in each cycle. It was a refreshing twist on the theme, and allowed the participant to learn solely from observation. Of course, he learned his lesson (regarding not paying enough attention to his family), and eventually broke free of the time loop.

The writing is crisp. The story telling is engaging. And the ending is very satisfying. I highly recommend this story, and this author. Nice job!
And Happy WDC Anniversary! *Bigsmile*

EarlyHours

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83
83
Review of Commercial Break  
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Daniel! I love this page of WDC Commercials! You have developed a unique idea, and the sponsorship helps get the word out. It looks like too few people are taking advantage of it. Maybe posting this as a public review will give you some very deserved advertising yourself! Would you consider writing a commercial for an auction? If so, please check mine out at: "Invalid Item" 

Best of luck, and expect a few links to my own stories!

EarlyHours

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84
84
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: E | (5.0)

You are being reviewed by "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS"  [E] for giving such awesome reviews yourself! Keep up the great work.


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This review is given in the spirit of WDC members trying to encourage each other and help improve our writing skills. The comments below are just suggestions. I am by no means an expert or a creative writing teacher. Comments are not meant to be offensive, only constructive. Thanks, EarlyHours

*Smile*

Overview:

*Noteb*An enjoyable and light-hearted account of an extraterrestrial girl’s school trip to Earth. It is presented in the form of a transmission (letter, postcard) from the girl to her cousin.*Noteb*

Story/Plot:

*Noteg*A girl goes on a school trip to Earth. Her home world is Saturn, and upon reaching Earth in their cloaked ship, the teacher changed the students into the form of humans. These “new” humans had much to learn, including how to walk, which led to a hilarious time for the students. The first activity that the teacher led was an expedition to get ice cream! Of course, it’s just what every visiting alien does! *Bigsmile* In fact, when I visited Saturn, the first thing I did was get ice cream. And Ice cream on Saturn is really cold! *Noteg*

My Favorite Part:

*Noter*I like the way the author kept the alien nature of the visitors constant. They had to learn everything from walking, to what a shadow was, to what wind sounded like. Which means their natural state must be something really weird! What kind of space-faring species doesn’t have a shadow? Something really exotic, that’s what. I love Science Fiction! *Noter*

Suggestions:

*Checkr*
This is a very serious criticism *Wink* A Jeep? They drive a Jeep? The last time I saw an aliens from Saturn, they drove a Mercury. But the Aliens from Mercury drove a Saturn. Go figure.

I have no style, grammatical, or punctuation suggestions. This is very well written. The skill and craft of the author is very evident.
*Checkr*

Conclusion:

A wonderful little “story” that brought a smile to my face. Not only do I recommend this to any WDC member who likes entertaining stories, but also to those with children who could read this to their kids. I’m sure they would get great pleasure from it! *Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*


EarlyHours

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85
85
Review of A TIRED GAME  
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a wonderful poem. It very artfully points out that by the time we learn to play the game of life, we are old and ready to leave it. It is tragically ironic in that sense. Very well written; this really exhibits the writer's well developed skill and craft. I especially like the kaleidoscope imagery. May we all still be able to see the world as many a happy scene full of hope.

Although this is the first item from this author that I am reviewing, his portfolio is quite interesting. From one professor of medicine to another, I can tell you I will be diving deeper.

Thanks for the great read.

*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*


EarlyHours

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86
86
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a wonderful little parable. Among many possible meanings, one is learning to accept who you are. The boy is raised thinking he will be king. His Village people thought he would be king, truly and in all sincerely. So he accepted it and pursued that course. When he learned that he wasn’t to be king, he very pragmatically selected a different career path.

The parable-design of this piece works well for the story. I particularly like the small headings dividing the story into nano-chapters. This is exceptionally well written, and conveys a lot of meaning in a small, simple package. Good job! *Thumbsup**Thumbsup*
*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Halfstar*


EarlyHours
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87
87
Review of The Dive  
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
An intriguing and captivating story about a character that could be the center of an entire novel or franchise. You did an amazing job of letting the reader get to know her. This is a very dense story that takes some effort to read thoroughly, but the effort is well worth it. The scenes, setting, characterization and plot is very well done. The ending twist is really satisfying. You have a unique, very natural writing style. Don't be surprised if it's not appreciated by all readers. I urge people to read this for the story and be accepting of the stylistic aspects. I think this writer is refreshing and interesting. Highly recommended.

I am glad you posted this. It would sound great as a recording, like an audio-short-story. Then that whole smoky bar speakeasy under belly effect would really come out, and the stylistic facets would have their intended cadence. Nice job.

EarlyHours
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88
88
Review of Planet Animalus  
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)


You are being reviewed by "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS"  [E] for giving such awesome reviews yourself! Keep up the great work.


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This review is given in the spirit of WDC members trying to encourage each other and help improve our writing skills. The comments below are just suggestions. I am by no means an expert or a creative writing teacher. Comments are not meant to be offensive, only constructive. Thanks, EarlyHours

*Smile*

I came across your requests for reviews, so I thought I’d stop by your portfolio. All I can say is wow! You are quite prolific. I selected this interactive to read and review because it was first on your list of items.

I must admit, I did not read every word in the interactive. I am impressed that with all the depth and detail you worked out in the back-story and rules, there are 99 chapters as of right now!

Speaking of back-story, it is obvious that you have dedicated an incredible amount of time and effort creating this Universe, containing Planet Animalus. The setting, and the types of characters, their features, their tools, and their very lives, is of an incredible scope. I am in awe of the creative force you have exerted for this creation of yours. *Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

I will be spending more time on Planet Animalus. Perhaps, I will add a chapter or two!

EarlyHours

89
89
Review of The Streak  
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
You are being reviewed by "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS"  [E] for giving such awesome reviews yourself! Keep up the great work.


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*Noteb*
This is an entertaining account of a mid-70’s streaking event. The premise alone is humorous, but when superimposed on a military setting, the effect is hilarious. The craft and skill of this author is very evident, so I can dispense with my usual Review Template that points out style and grammar errors. There are none.

As a story, this piece is very well constructed. The frigid setting of a New England Winter made me shiver. The college event perfectly foreshadowed the ROTC event. The story climaxed with something very funny, emphasized by an even funnier ending narrative.

On a personal note, I was in college in the 70’s. Regarding streaking, the author of this item writes, There are probably as many stories as there are participants in this short-lived, but great American pasttime. I can say from experience, this is absolutely true.

Thank you for this most entertaining read!
*Noteb*

*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star*


EarlyHours

90
90
Review of At The Palace  
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
You are receiving this review, in association with "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS"  [E], as a reward for the awesome reviews you give. This particular review is in reward for your review, Review of "Chain Reaction" . Keep up the great work.

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This review is given in the spirit of WDC members trying to encourage each other and help improve our writing skills. The comments below are just suggestions. I am by no means an expert or a creative writing teacher. Comments are not meant to be offensive, only constructive. Thanks, EarlyHours

Two women walk into a bar…

This is an interesting short story about two friends who just want a peaceful after-work drink without getting hassled. The solid craft of the author is quite evident. The setting is superbly drawn. I could especially visualize the setting with lines like crystal chandeliers gleamed over polished silver, and the clink of silver on china gave way to the tinkle of ice-filled glasses and the Palace came to life. Characterization was similarly well done. Narrative is kept to a minimum, and we are left to feel what the characters feel. It is familiar, as though we’ve all been there before, wanting a peaceful retreat, only to have it continually interrupted. Some of the best stories reflect our own experiences.

In my opinion only, as a stand-alone short story the plot itself is a bit thin, but it would work well as a chapter or part of a larger story. I may discover this to actually be the case as I explore more of this author’s portfolio. That being said, there is solid setting, characters, dialogue, conflict and resolution. All the components of a great story.

I am very impressed with the skill of this author.

EarlyHours

91
91
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Great Sestina. I only recently got introduced to this form of poetry, and in fact, I wrote one for this same contest. So I have been reading others' sestinas, and I have to say, I really enjoyed yours. I am not a poet, per se, so I can't really critique it. I just wonder about the second line in the fifth stanza: "Ii is not that with childhood..." Is it supposed to read "It is not that...?"

I really did enjoy your poem and appreciated its imagery. Nice work, and thanks for the read.

EarlyHours
92
92
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi BIG BAD WOLF is hopping ,

I came to your story because of your post in the Vigilante Angel's "Secret Angel Ranger Cave" . I am pleased to provide this review on behalf of the The Vigilante Angel Ranger Team.

It is an interactive that you alone add to, thereby creating a story, chapter by chapter. There are twenty-six chapters. It is quite lengthy, and in all honesty, I only read through the third chapter, but I thought my observations might still be of interest to you.

Your story is incredibly rich. It is obvious that you put a lot of time and thought into your characters. Overall, it is a very well thought out and complex story. I believe it has a lot of potential. The richness of the story and the denseness of the writing limited how much I could read in a reasonable amount of time.

As it stands, it reads very much like an interactive. Even to the point of having different writing styles throughout. Some passages are dialogue with the speaker noted in parentheses. Other passages are written more in the traditional format for dialogue. In parts, it even reads like a play.

I can say that the plot and story itself is obviously good. But that being said, it is not an easy read in its current form. You are familiar with the setting and characters, but the reader is not. I think the strength of this story would lend itself to a novel. In that format, you could show many of the important features through action and dialogue. The different races could be described more fully, and a lot of what you talk about could be made into individual scenes. Here on WDC we banter around the expression, “Show Don’t Tell,” but I think it applies here particularly.

A great story is not enough to draw the reader in. I know you have a great story, but the long narratives kept me from continuing deeper into it.

I actually think you have a winning idea here. I could see it as a screenplay, novella or novel. Maybe even a series of short stories. The interactive format is probably good for getting your ideas down, but it is just the beginning. It has enormous potential.

Very impressive.

EarlyHours
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93
93
Review of ocean avenue  
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a very descriptive story, or beginning of a story. The strongest parts of the piece are the excellent descriptive lines, such as: a golden streak of sun sandwiched between two crumbling buildings, and Making his forehead sweat beads that stumbled down his newly rough cheek. I think this story has great potential. The setting is good, and now it needs some characterization and plot.

There are just a few grammatical issues:

"God that's beautiful" he thinks a loud. Should be either “aloud,” or “out loud.”

It was like god had poked a hole.... Convention usually capitalizes God.

If the bug guy was around to talk, that is. Did you mean “big guy?”

"Bogart" the man on the platform mouthed… Would put comma after Bogart, e.g., “Bogart,” the man on the…

I really enjoyed this story, or start of a story. The author has obvious skill, which drew me in. I was hooked immediately. I hope there is more to come. Nice job.

EarlyHours
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94
94
Review of Private calls  
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)

This is a jam-packed 200 words. It was written for the horror/scary/dark genre(s). As opposed to a story, it's more of an idea piece, and I must say, the idea is very scary. So the author definitely did the job here. I guess the most frightening thing is that this type of surveillance might actually happen one day. That makes it even more terrifying.

I liked this very much. If it is expanded into a longer story, with character and setting development it could be very good.

EarlyHours

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95
95
Review of Leprechauns  
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

You are being rewarded by "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS"  [E] for giving such awesome reviews! Keep up the great work.

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This review is given in the spirit of WDC members trying to encourage each other and help improve our writing skills. The comments below are just suggestions. I am by no means an expert or a creative writing teacher. Comments are not meant to be offensive, only constructive. Thanks, EarlyHours


I have to say, this is one of the most fascinating and creative stories I have read in a long time. It is unique. It is mesmerizing. It is thought provoking. And it is almost impossible to get through. That’s where my ambivalence about this review comes in. I’ll be more specific:


Overview/Story:
I’ll try to decipher this story. A dark erotic tale about a Leprechaun infestation, where evil little Leprechauns manifest and sexually torment women in leadership positions. It is suggested that the culture’s suppression of female dominance, and ignorance of magical feminine rituals, blocked the expression of the feminine divinity in such a way as to cause the feminine Id to psychically manifest leprechauns. Whew! Two solutions to the problem were proposed, one of which was for women to dance in order to release their female nature. That’s probably good because the other fix involved animal sacrifices to the sun and moon, and pulling on a man’s, well, ahem… privates. A humorous ending capped it off.


Grammar/Spelling:
Here’s the rub. This piece is written without much regard to punctuation or spelling. I found twenty-one spelling mistakes and innumerable punctuation errors.

There is no paragraph structure. The thoughts, words, dialogue and descriptions all blend together in a giant mass of lines. It is very work-intensive to get through it. I have read several of the author’s stories, most of which (including this one) I love, and are written in a similar style. The author’s writing is very scripture-like. Poetic wording, verse-like clauses and religious imagery abounds. So I want to resist criticizing the structure, however unusual it may be, when it is the author’s own creative style.


Summary
I really liked this story. It is a challenge to read, but the story is well worth the effort. Read it for the idea, read it for the imagery, read it for the creativity. But don’t read it for structure, punctuation, or spelling. Overall, I am very impressed with the philosophical depth of the author’s thoughts, and his creative attempts to illustrate them through story telling. I am reminded strongly of Neil Gaiman’s American Gods. Dark stuff.

I will be reading more of bob county . I love a challenge!

{popnote:“EarlyHours”}Sidekick to the Vigilante Angel
96
96
Rated: E | (5.0)
You have created a beautiful photo-graphic signature. I love the way the grass blades are in focus up front, but hazy in the back. And the ripples in the water are amazing. Your are quite the talent.
EarlyHours


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97
97
Review of Boy Goes Fishing  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is given in the spirit of WDC members trying to encourage each other and help improve our writing skills. The comments below are just suggestions. I am by no means an expert or a creative writing teacher. Comments are not meant to be offensive, only constructive. Thanks, EarlyHours

Overview/Story:
*Thumbsup*A charming short story about a boy’s first fishing trip. His trepidation about going on the boat was ultimately offset by catching his first fish. Relative to the boy, a small 10-inch fish seemed big. And the small fish’s impact on the boy was equal to that of a 600-pound marlin. *Thumbsup*

My Favorite Part:
*Thumbsup*The emotion of the story is conveyed well. You can feel the mother’s worry, the father’s excitement, and the boy’s victory. *Thumbsup*
You wrote: The thought of this made the boy proud; he hoped to one day love something just as much as his father did. Interesting line. Perhaps very telling. Where does Mom fit in?


Grammar/Spelling:

There are some grammatical problems, listed below. I am no expert here, but I’ll do my best:

He was worried to. Should be “too.”

Finally the boats engine slowed to a loud purr, grey smoke quickly emitted the rear of the boat. This might work better as two sentences (divide between “purr” and “grey”). Also, the way it is worded, the smoke is releasing the back of the boat, as opposed to the back of the boat releasing the smoke. A quick fix is to put the word “from” between “emitted” and “the rear.”

His father heaved the bulbous anchor down into the depths of the ocean and he began to notice that the boat seemed to sway steeply It is not clear who “he” is. Is it the father or the boy? Read it again and you’ll see what I mean. If you mean it’s the boy, then I suggest: …and the boy began to notice…

it was the first fish the boy had caught by himself and he didn’t want to deter him from any future fishing trips. ”he didn’t want to deter him” is unclear. I think it would be better to be more specific. For example, it was the first fish the boy had caught by himself and he didn’t want to deter his son from any future fishing trips

I’m only six years old and I caught a bigger fish then you today Dad! bigger fish than you today



Summary:

A heart warming story about overcoming apprehension, and seeing the best in things, as only a child can, metaphorically speaking. The writer is skilled at describing setting and surroundings. The detailed imagery is the hallmark of this piece of writing. Nice job, and welcome to Writing Dot Com! *Bigsmile*


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98
98
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This review is given in the spirit of WDC members trying to encourage each other and help improve our writing skills. The comments below are just suggestions. I am by no means an expert or a creative writing teacher. Comments are not meant to be offensive, only constructive. Thanks, EarlyHours


Overview/Plot:

A cute short story with an interesting twist early on. At first I thought the point of view was a dog, and then I was sure it was a blanket, and I finally realized it was a sofa. The story personifies this sofa, treats it like a pet, and follows it through a change of ownership.


My Favorite Part:

*Thumbsup*Your description of the sofa was vivid. I especially like the parts I can’t reprint in this review, regarding what had happened on the sofa. Also, the ending was amusing.*Thumbsup*


Grammar/Spelling:

I found no grammatical errors. The only thing is where you used the word “yea,” I think you meant “yeah.” Yea is pronounced “yay.”


Summary

This is an adorable short story, with great imagery and refreshing creativity. At first, I wasn’t sure who the speaker was. To keep it from sounding like a blanket, you might want to try this: I was the one he laid on, the one… I was the one he sat on. The one he laid on, the one…

The tense is correct, but a little choppy. The first sentence is present tense, then the speaker tells a story, so it is in past tense, and then the action catches up with the present, and then it’s present tense again.

Overall, a charming read. I highly recommend your story to other readers on WDC.

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99
99
Review of Hearts Divided  
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: E | (4.5)
You are being rewarded by "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS"  [E] for giving awesome reviews yourself. I noticed you’re a member of the group, and I just joined, so this is my first attempt at a RRReview. I thought your review of "First Anniversary"  was very well done, and I wanted to reward you with a review.

Story/Plot:
A heartfelt and poetic first person account of love being torn apart. From the woman’s perspective, we hear of the story of her lover having to leave for an unknown amount of time. It is really a description of the woman’s intense awareness of her feelings, and the sorrow of the moment.

My Favorite Part:
I love the continuity between the opening lines, it was like something was reaching deep inside of me, taking a hold of the best part of myself and ripping it free of my body, and the ending, When he was gone my shell stood alone. A cocoon robbed of its butterfly Nice imagery. You have a great command of emotional writing, which very effectively evokes those feelings in the reader.


Grammar/Spelling:
There are some grammatical problems, listed below. I am no expert here, but I’ll do my best:

at least if there was I had never felt it. This pain this ache, it was like This pain, this ache…I would add a comma in there. Even still, it seems like this is a long sentence that could be separated into shorter ones. This may just be a style preference.

I turned my tear streaked face up to his but I could not look tear-streaked

A month, a year? two? Capitalize Two

wishing. hoping. Trying. Either comma after wishing, or capitalize hoping

I dared not speak, the sound of my misery would make my ears bleed. I think after speak there should be a semicolon. I’m no expert with commas and semicolons, but I think there are a lot of instances in the story where the sentences are too long, and could be split up somehow. As I mentioned earlier, this could just be a style preference. After all, you are very poetic in your writing, and long sentences with commas is very poem-like.

Summary:
The story is wonderful, and heart wrenching. The author is highly skilled in conveying emotion. The story reads very poetically. Like prose written by a poet. I think several existing lines, separated differently, would stand up as poetry in their own right.

I didn’t quite get why he was leaving, but there is reference to something political, or dealing with immigration policy. Before this reference, I thought he was leaving to fight in a war. People all over the country are experiencing similar situations with their spouses in the military, so that’s just where my head went early in the story.

I really enjoyed this story, and I plan to read more by this author.

Thank you.
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