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400 Total Reviews Given
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51
51
Review of Venting  
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice job on the poem. Sounds a lot like lyrics to me. Very effective approach to reflecting on one's life; not just right now, but in the past and the future. The speakers potential future is well shown in the last three lines:

But because I need a change in my life...
But until then I renew my dedication to greatness
And perservere until my guilty conscience is weightless
*Thumbsup*

Also, the rhyming pattern is very well done. Very lyrical in a rap kind of way.

Thanks for sharing,
EarlyHours
52
52
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Although this item refers just to the novel's cover art, I have read the novel, and so wanted to comment. This is an engaging short detective novel, centered around a teenage girl in the 1950's. When a rich neighbor dies mysteriously, Charlotte Cartier suspects foul play. With a new found friend, Julep, she investigates clues which lead to an unexpected and satisfying ending.

While directed toward younger teenage girls, I think any fan of detective mysteries would love this book. It is a quick read, with flowing poetic phrasing.

I urge everyone to check out Charlotte's Hummock, written by WDC's own VictoriaMcCullough . Nice job Vicky *Thumbsup*

See my full product review at: "Charlotte's Hummock: A Young Adult Womans Mystery Detective Novel"  , a product review by EarlyHours-A Vigilante Ranger
53
53
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)

*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*

*Star*
Rising Stars Member-to-Member Review
Given in the spirit of support and encouragement
*Star*


Overview:
*Noteb*
A man ponders his life, has an epiphany, and takes an important leap, literally.
*Noteb*

Story/Plot:
*Noteg*
This is a very well detailed short story about a man who thinks about aspects of his life, including his family, as he climbs up to (I think) a high floor in a building or skyscraper. He pushes open the door, and the reader starts to understand that he plans to jump. He thinks about the shortcomings of his sister, mother and father, and his place in the world. He finally puts it all in perspective, and yes, jumps. *Noteg*

My Favorite Part:
*Noter*The story is well described. The reader can really feel what the character is going through. Some interesting observations: His sister loves dangerous stunts, but he is the one jumping. His mother likes self-destructive men, and here he is pondering self-destruction. His absentee father lacks understanding, but he (the character) finally does understand. *Noter*

Suggestions:
*Checkr*
This story is very well-written. It seems fine grammatically, and I found just one typo:
…travelling inexorably towards destinations… …traveling…
*Checkr*

Conclusion:
This is a very enjoyable short story. In a short space, we learn a lot about the character. We get to know who he is and how he thinks, as well as the influence his family has had on him, and visa-versa. It sets up well for either of two endings. The ending chosen by the author is a tasty twist that I don’t want to give away.

Nice job, and Happy WDC Anniversary!
*Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

EarlyHours

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
54
54
Review of Coffee  
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I read this poem because I am such a coffee addict. The poem certainly describes the addiction, and you can almost substitute any addiction in for the coffee. The only line I didn't understand was: Has to be your blood.. But all-in-all, it's a good poem that flows well, and is interesting to read. Regards, EarlyHours
55
55
Review of Her Tears  
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Ren,

I don't review much poetry, so I can't comment on the technical aspects. But I know what I like, and I must say that this poem moved me. It is very well written and flows perfectly, making it easy to read. It is full of emotion and feeling. By posing questions throughout the poem, you really draw the reader inside, and I think it is very effective at making the reader feel her (the epeaker's) emotion. It is also a haunting postmortem lesson (or lecture?) from the speaker to the mourner. .

Very well done. Thanks for sharing.

EarlyHours
56
56
Review of Jump  
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Welcome to WDC!
A cute little poem, full of feeling. Although it doesn't spell it out, it seems to be about making the decision to enter a relationship. I think that leaving that conclusion to the reader is a really nice touch. Additionally, the structure of the poem is very good, and the rhyming scheme is excellent. This very effectively describes the difficult decision involved in beginning a relationship.

Nice job! *Smile* I can tell you are really going to like it here on WDC!
Welcome!
57
57
Review of Chapter 1: Tim  
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Welcome to Writing Dot Com (WDC)! I know you'll love it here!


This review is given in the spirit of WDC members trying to encourage each other and help improve our writing skills. The comments below are just suggestions, only meant to be constructive.*Smile*

Overview:
*Noteb*An interesting start to what promises to be an intriguing story. A classroom scene involving a new student arriving at school.*Noteb*


Story/Plot:
*Noteg*I believe this is just the beginning chapter. The writing is in the first person POV, and the speaker is describing what he sees. He begins the day with a rough start (haven't we all felt this way before?). When he gets to class, things still go wrong at first. His best friend is absent, and the teacher obviously picks on him. Ultimately, the "new kid" enters. He looks different, with piercings and what seems to be a gothic look. He sits in the next seat, since his friend isn't there today. We end the chapter with the suggestion that a friendship might develop between these two characters.*Noteg*


My Favorite Part:
*Noter*I really liked this imagery: This day couldn’t get any worse; to start things off, I dropped my toast on the floor - butter side down - and then spilled coffee down my front, which was cold anyway because it took me so long to get ready for school. It really illustrates what a bad day is like. Which reminds me, I always felt that if you drop a piece of toast and it doesn't fall butter-side-down, it means you buttered the wrong side!*Laugh*.

The writing is tight and flows very well. It's easy to read, which makes it a pleasure.*Noter*


Suggestions:
*Checkr*
There are a few grammatical errors, and I won't point out every one of them. I do, however, want to suggest correction of your use of quotation marks:

Please take these suggestions as my opinion only:

“Cut the noise, Timothy.”, she snapped, “Cut the noise, Timothy,” she snapped,

“I don’t know where he is, Mrs Henley.”, I said... “I don’t know where he is, Mrs Henley,” I said...

“We have a new student joining us today.”, she said,... “We have a new student joining us today,” she said,...

There are several instances with the same error as noted above. A quick read with this in mind will reveal them to you.
*Checkr*


Conclusion:
Excellent start. I really enjoyed reading this beginning chapter, and I urge you to continue and see where the story takes you (and us).

You have talent, and are obviously a thoughtful writer. I know you will enjoy being a member of WDC. Please continue your writing and post more so we all can enjoy your talents!

Best wishes.
*Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

EarlyHours

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
58
58
Review of The Grey Place  
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This review is given in the spirit of WDC members trying to encourage each other and help improve our writing skills. The comments below are just suggestions, only meant to be constructive.*Smile*

Overview:
*Noteb*A surrealistic story about a man’s unexpected trip to the Moon.*Noteb*


Story/Plot:
*Noteg*The main character (the “man”) wakes up on his back, staring at the stars. It turns out that he’s on the Moon, and, like in a dream, can talk and breathe. And not freeze. He meets a stranger who shows him around a bit, and then sits with him to watch the Earth rise over the horizon (more on this later). A very brief conversation ensues, followed by the man’s mysterious disappearance from the Moon, or perhaps he just wakes up. *Noteg*


My Favorite Parts:
*Noter*The Moon and the landscape are described well. The reader really can appreciate walking around on the Moon, while still breathing and talking. I also like the way the first line and the last line are the same. This fits in well with the dream-like feel of the story. At the beginning, he opens his eyes to start the “dream,” and at the end he opens them to stop it, or wake up. But the fact that the stranger (on the Moon) notices and comments on the man’s disappearance, suggests that there is more to it. Maybe it’s more than just a dream. Maybe he really did go to the moon *Smile*.

The small dose of political commentary at the end seemed to fit; the stranger appreciated being on the Moon, thereby avoiding cruelties on the Earth, which he compares to a prison. *Noter*


Suggestions:
*Checkr*
The stranger doesn’t answer any questions. He purposely avoids giving the man any information. He almost doesn’t even need to be there, except to be available to notice that the man disappeared. And also to give the reader the sense that people come and go all the time, and for some reason, the stranger is the one who observes it.

Incidentally, there is no actual “Earth rise” on the moon. The Moon is “tidally locked” with the Earth. It does move around a little in the sky above the Moon, but one side of the Moon always faces toward Earth, so there isn’t a rising and setting as we know it.
*Checkr*


Conclusion:
I enjoyed this story very much. There was enough story and “other worldliness” to keep me interested.

Thanks for sharing. Nice job.
 *Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

EarlyHours

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
59
59
Review of Reflection  
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This review is given in the spirit of WDC members trying to encourage each other and help improve our writing skills. The comments below are just suggestions, and are not meant to be offensive, only constructive. Thanks *Smile*

As a published songwriter myself, I was of course drawn toward this item. It is described as lyrics and in fact is written in a format that would lend itself to a melody. The content is appropriate for a song: the speaker (singer) is mentally destroyed after losing his love. He looks in the mirror and sees a reflection of himself that shows despair and longing. It suggests that he is contemplating ending it all.

Content aside, I tend to read lyrics unlike other static items. I look for potential hooks, as well as well-formed verses, choruses and bridge(s). It appears to be a standard verse-chorus-verse-chorus structure without a bridge. I think the repetition provided by the choruses is good, but I'd like to see a bit more repetition within individual choruses. I wonder if the chorus would provide a strong enough hook as it is. Of course, the music and melody will play a big part of that.

All together, I like the lyrics, and I think they are appropriate for a number of different musical genres. I'm leaning toward metal here, but you can make country out of anything! *Bigsmile*

Nice job and good luck!
*Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

EarlyHours

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60
60
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A wonderful little poem about seeing the Earth from the perspective of the moon as a personified entity. The metaphor used suggests the Moon is the "mother," and the Earth is the "child." I like the way the last line of the poem matches the first line. It is a nice and tidy way to finish up.
Very enjoyable. Thanks for sharing.
Regards,
EarlyHours
61
61
Review of Transformation  
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You are being reviewed by "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS"  [E] for giving such awesome reviews yourself! Keep up the great work.


This review is given in the spirit of WDC members trying to encourage each other and help improve our writing skills. The comments below are not meant to be offensive, only constructive. Thanks.*Smile*

Overview:
*Noteb*An eerie short story about a man who should have been careful what he wished for.*Noteb*

Story/Plot:
*Noteg*The story starts with the character, Jeff, waking up in the dark, while a thunderstorm roars outside. He notices things feel different. A ‘flashback” type memory of the night before is then recalled, and he remembers complaining about his life to a mysterious stranger, including stating that he’d do “anything” to change his life. Now it appears that things have indeed changed. Whether it’s for the better or worse is a call that’s left up to the reader to contemplate.*Noteg*

My Favorite Part:
*Noter*I am very impressed with the quality of the writing. The reader is brought into the story by skillful wording that makes him or her feel what the character feels. This ability to “show” rather than “tell” really illustrates the author’s excellent command of the craft.

I was especially impressed by these lines:

… his mouth felt like it was full of cotton. Very descriptive.

…continuous Patron shots he consumed. A creative way to effectively describe what’s going on. Continuous shots – even as a non-drinker, this wording makes me feel what it must be like.

The uninvited guest was dressed in black from head to toe and smelled of rotting leaves and freshly turned earth. Again, very descriptive. I can see him and smell him.
*Noter*

Suggestions:
*Checkr*
I am a bit confused at the end, with two virtually identical paragraphs. The difference in the two paragraphs is merely a few italics, but otherwise they are identical. I think, if done on purpose, perhaps in the first instance it refers to Jeff, now in a stranger’s (Rob) life, and in the second instance maybe it refers to Rob, now in Jeff’s life (?). It isn’t clear, and at first I thought it was just a mistake in editing. The superior style and quality of the overall writing more than makes up for this ambiguity.
*Checkr*


Conclusion:
Well written and captivating. This is a fun, fast read. I highly recommend it to other WDC readers.

Nice Job!
 *Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

EarlyHours

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
62
62
Review of On Parade  
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is given in the spirit of WDC members trying to encourage each other and help improve our writing skills. The comments below are just suggestions, and are not meant to be offensive, only constructive. Thanks *Smile*


Hi Vendaki !

I am helping to judge the entries submitted for the "Invalid Item" . And in doing so, I am the one benefiting, because I get to read uplifting items, including the poem you submitted, "On Parade" 

Overview:
*Noteb*This is written based on the Fourth of July theme. It is a happy little poem about the simple pleasures of Independence Day. The piece describes the parades, singing, flag-waving, marching bands, floats, and most of all, the fun.*Noteb*

My Favorite Part:
*Noter*I think capping the poem off with children laughing and playing is wonderful, and reminds us about the fun nature of the holiday.{c}*Noter*

Suggestions:
*Checkr*
I see no grammatical errors in this short poem. The rhyming works and doesn’t feel forced.
*Checkr*

Conclusion:
*Noteb*I really enjoyed this entry because it is so happy. In fact, the last line even describes the holiday as a “happy day.” It stands in contrast to most Independence Day-themed items, which tend to describe war and hardship.

Nicely done!*Noteb*
 *Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

EarlyHours

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
63
63
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This review is given in the spirit of WDC members trying to encourage each other and help improve our writing skills. The comments below are just suggestions, and are not meant to be offensive, only constructive. Thanks *Smile*

Hi Jonathan Marx !

I am helping to judge the entries submitted for the "Invalid Item" . And in doing so, I am the one benefiting, because I get to read entertaining stories like the one you submitted, "Mindy's Fourth of July Bonanza" .


Overview:
*Noteb*This is a cute short story, related to the Fourth of July theme. A woman prepares for the party she is throwing, with some entertaining and unexpected twists.*Noteb*


Story/Plot:
*Noteg*A woman has planned a party and invited some of her friends. When just a little late, the woman assumes they are not coming and reacts by thinking about all the negative feelings she has for her friends, and eats the hotdogs and drinks the wine herself. It is also revealed that other friends have upset her in the past, and so are no longer invited to her parties. There is a twist at the end that is humorous but a bit sad.*Noteg*


My Favorite Part:
*Noter*The reader really gets the idea that this is a woman that is hard to please. She holds her friends to her own standards and is intolerant of them. I like the way this concept is brought out in the story. I also like how, at the end of each section, she drinks more wine. The reader can feel her getting deeper and deeper into her discontent, and goes along with the woman on her downward spiral. Well done here.*Noter*


Suggestions:

*Checkr*
Please take these suggestions as my opinion only:
Overall, the piece is well written. I see no grammatical mistakes. My only comment is minor and relates to this line: She stood up and emptied her glass via her throat. It seems a bit formal, or maybe too reaching for a line that says she swallowed the wine. I know it is technically correct, but struck me as a bit out of place with the style of the rest of the story.
*Checkr*


Conclusion:
This is a enjoyable story, well-suited for the Fourth of July celebration. It is a look into the personal thoughts of the character/speaker. I enjoyed it very much and highly recommend it.

Nice job!


 *Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

EarlyHours

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
64
64
Review of Independence Day  
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This review is given in the spirit of WDC members trying to encourage each other and help improve our writing skills. The comments below are just suggestions, and are not meant to be offensive, only constructive. Thanks *Smile*

Hi chad !

I am helping to judge the entries submitted for the "Invalid Item" . And in doing so, I am the one benefiting, because I get to read inspiring stories like the one you submitted, "Independence Day" .


Overview:
*Noteb*This short story is about preparing for the Battle of Yorktown, during the Revolutionary War, from the first person point of view of an American soldier.*Noteb*


Story/Plot:
*Noteg*
The soldier and his fellow Revolutionaries endure horrible ordeals during their march to Yorktown in preparation for the battle. The British are stuck in Yorktown, their sea escape prevented by the French, who are allied with the Americans. When the time comes to volunteer to go into battle, the soldier’s patriotism rises to the surface, making him think about the land, his home, his family, and his country. *Noteg*


My Favorite Part:
*Noter*
This is a very heartfelt story, which certainly elicits the feeling of patriotism. It relates well to the Fourth of July theme. It is also related to actual events in American history, namely, the American victory over the British at Yorktown, the last major land battle of the war. *Noter*


Suggestions:

*Checkr*
Please take these suggestions as my opinion only:
The story flips back and forth between present and past tense multiple times. Sometimes even within a single sentence. I think it could be easily fixed with a careful read, specifically noting whether each sentence refers to the past or the present. Consistency in this will improve the overall flow.

More specific suggestions:

I was preparing a place to sleep tonight when I could of sworn I heard a cannon. …could have sworn I heard a cannon.

The mourning came quickly. The morning came quickly.

…we have the British blocked in and theres no where… …and there’s nowhere…
*Checkr*


Conclusion:
This is a thoughtful story that celebrates America’s Independence. It is engaging and interesting, especially because of its historical significance and accuracy. It is a very appropriate entry for the 2010 Independence Day Writing Contest.

Nice job!
*Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

EarlyHours

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
65
65
Review of What You Wish For  
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


*Star*
Rising Stars Member-to-Member Review
Given in the spirit of support and encouragement
*Star*



Overview:
This is an entertaining short story. A collector finally locates and purchases an important artifact for his collection, with unexpected consequences, and maybe even a lesson for the rest of us.
*Noteb* *Noteb*


Story/Plot:
The story describes a collector at an auction, where he is trying to purchase the third and final mask in his collection. Each mask represents a different god, with this final one representing the god of war.

The auction process and interaction with a rival is skillfully presented, both in setting and character. Conflict is brought into the story through the rival bidder, and is resolved within the story.

The story absorbs the reader, who starts to wonder if putting all three masks together confers some sort of power. This question is answered in an interesting manner.
*Noteg* *Noteg*


My Favorite Part:
The importance of the mask to the collector is very well presented. His impatient personality comes through, as does his single-minded quest for the mask. And we get a hint that perhaps the mask wants the collector as much as he wants the mask.
*Noter* *Noter*


Suggestions:
Not really a suggestion, more of a comment: ***warning…spoiler alert*** The collector wishes he could have great power. The mask seems to grant his wish. Then everything goes black. But blackness usually suggests death. So does he die, or does he get the power? Maybe this is the point, for the reader to ask this question. The story certainly leaves us intrigued and wanting more.

*Checkr*
Please take the following suggestions as my opinion only:

None of that mattered to him, all he wanted… None of that mattered to him; all he wanted…

a few well placed bribes,.... a few well-placed bribes,…
*Checkr*


Conclusion:
This is a well-written and well-developed story, with good character development, a setting, a plot, and an unexpected twist at the end. It is obvious that the writer is skilled, and is a good storyteller. I enjoyed this very much and highly recommend it.
*Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

Nice job, and Happy WDC Anniversary!


EarlyHours


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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
66
66
Review of Miracles  
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Rising Stars Member-to-Member Review
Given in the spirit of support and encouragement
*Smile*


Overview:

This is a short story filled with a mix of emotions. There is a medical setting, personal turmoil, heartfelt emotions, and an important lesson at the end.
*Noteb* *Noteb*


Story/Plot:

A couple has an automobile accident, and are injured. The husband has mild injuries and is released, and the pregnant wife has more severe injuries and is treated in the emergency room. The husband waits, both inside and outside the waiting area, but never goes in to check on his wife. The hospital staff judges him as disinterested and therefore a bad husband. The whole time, he was waiting for someone to tell him it was all right to go in to see her. He was in fact a loving, attentive husband, and was severely misjudged by the staff.
*Noteg* *Noteg*


My Favorite Part:

The lesson in this story is an important one: Don’t prejudge, so you don’t misjudge. The story is well told, and describes the characters well enough for the reader to relate to them.
*Noter**Noter*


Suggestions:

*Checkr*
Please take these suggestions as my opinion only
Overall, the story is well written and easy to read. Some of the passages seemed a bit choppy, with partial sentences and short statements. Just one example is: Fours hours into the admission to the ER. Still no sign of the father. It reads a bit like a news report here. Perhaps this: After four hours into the ordeal, there was still no sign of the father. Or even simpler: Four hours later there was still no sign of the father. A read through the piece will reveal several areas that fragments like these can be smoothed out. But even without making changes, the story still reads well and wonderfully describes its subject matter.
*Checkr*


Conclusion:

I am in the medical profession, so my first thought was, I hope I’m not the type of medical staff depicted in this story! But the lesson is for everyone, including me.

I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. The author has obvious skills, and a knack for putting emotion into writing. Well done!
*Thumbsup**Thumbsup*


EarlyHours


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67
67
Review of I AM  
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: E | (5.0)
You are being reviewed by "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS"  [E] for giving such awesome reviews yourself! Keep up the great work.


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This review is given in the spirit of WDC members trying to encourage each other and help improve our writing skills. The comments below are just suggestions. I am by no means an expert or a creative writing teacher. Comments are not meant to be offensive, only constructive. Thanks, EarlyHours

*Smile*

This is a wonderful item. It is poem-like, but even more so, it is like a prayer. It is thoughtful and reassuring. The item reminds the more spiritual of us that we are not alone, and we are being watched and taken care of all the time. I highly recommend this piece for anyone going through a tough time (isn't that almost all of us?).

This writer is one of my favorites here on WDC. She is insightful and has a keen sense of what is important in life. More than once, she has inspired me and added joy and wisdom to my day.

I highly recommend this item, as well as all of her writings.
Nice job, again! *Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

EarlyHours

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68
68
In affiliation with Smile~Worldwide  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A great crossword puzzle, not for the faint of heart. Only scientists (like me and a few others around here) will even understand the subject matter. For a first portfolio item, this sure sets his bar high.

Welcome to WDC and please post more items! Maybe a fiction story about a magical proteoglycan molecule that falls in love with an orphan peptide. That'll get those immunoglobulns flowing!

EarlyHours-A Vigilante Ranger
69
69
Review of The Butterfly  
In affiliation with Smile~Worldwide  
Rated: E | (4.5)

*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


This is a cute little acrostic poem, using the word "Wonder." It is skillfully constructed, with pairs of alliterating ending words. Although never specifically mentioned in the poem itself, the subject is a caterpillar's metamorphosis into a butterfly. Packed with texture and imagery, this is a very enjoyable poem.

Nice work, and Happy WDC Anniversary!
*Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

EarlyHours

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70
70
Review of Day Dreamer.  
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: E | (4.0)

*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


*Noteb*This is a short but cute story about a man who goes on a sort of unexpected adventure. Wishing to change his routine, he decides to take a bus, but falls asleep and ends up in unfamiliar territory. He walks around, and his imagination comes to life. He has visions of his neighbors as trees, and experiences a scene reminiscent of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Or was it Matrix? He eventually finds his way back onto the bus, and presumably gets home.*Noteb*

*Checkr*
Please take these suggestions as my opinion only:

…like a christmas ornament The convention is to capitalize Christmas

…crammed it in the mail box. mailbox

…enjoying themselves to much for its liking. …too much for its liking.

The warming air grew uncomforatble… uncomfortable

…those silly japanese ninja people. capitalize Japanese
*Checkr*

*Noteg*This is well written and captivates the reader from the beginning. I thought the ending was a bit of a let down, as I was expecting a twist. Like maybe the man didn’t fall asleep on the bus, but instead died, and his imaginings were his afterlife. But even though the twist never came, the read was certainly enjoyable, and the author has skills. *Thumbsup*

Nice job, and Happy WDC Anniversary! *Smile*

EarlyHours

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71
71
Review of 100 word story  
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


This was an entry for a 100 word story contest. It is a police/detective scene. On the good side, the story is very descriptive, and packs a lot of background, information and even character development into very few words. On the other side, the wording is very choppy due to leaving out the small connecting words that would allow for smooth flow. But it actually works in a few areas, because people expect detectives to talk like that. For example: “Believe so. Wanted outside Boss.” Just like Detective Friday in Dragnet. Overall, I liked the story, and I think the author has skills. Nice job.
*Thumbsup**Thumbsup*

EarlyHours

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72
72
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


This review is given in the spirit of WDC members trying to encourage each other and help improve our writing skills. The comments below are just suggestions. I am by no means an expert or a creative writing teacher. Comments are not meant to be offensive, only constructive. Thanks, EarlyHours

*Smile*

*Noteb*A little story about a dare that leads to scary happenings in an old creepy abandoned asylum. What could be more classically frightening than that? James enters the building to stay overnight, thereby attempting to disprove the building’s haunted reputation. Not to give too much away here, let’s just say the asylum wins and its reputation stands.

This is an expertly written, tight piece, displaying the obvious experience and craft of the author. Early in the story, the sentences are long and clauses are joined, slowly and deliberately setting the stage for what’s to come. As the action picks up, so does the pace of the writing, with shorter, more “staccato” phrasing. This way, the reader’s heart rate speeds up along with the character’s! I think this is very skillful and effective writing. *Noteb*

*Checkr*
Please take these suggestions as my opinion only:

I know this isn’t part of the story, but: (Originally written as an entry in a short story competion of 650 words) competiton

What if there was some truth to the stories? There was a lot of them after all. There were a lot of them after all.

He rested his sleeping bag on an old mattress he’d found that had come as a pleasant surprise. I think I know what you’re saying here, but I feel that it’s a bit awkward. What was the surprise? Was it the mattress or the act of finding it? I think it’s the latter, so perhaps: Finding an old mattress on which to rest his sleeping bag came as a complete surprise. Or maybe break it up like this: Finding an old mattress came as a complete surprise. He unrolled his sleeping bag on it.

All the time the voices kept getting louder the screams more painful. I would add a comma between louder and the

With that a violent crash released a steel beam from the ceiling above, With a violent crash a steel beam released (or was released) from the ceiling above, Or, With that, there was a violent crash and a steel beam released (or was released) from the ceiling above,

No-one understood No one understood

claims of the buildings structural safety, the building's structural safety
*Checkr*

*Noteg*Overall, I enjoyed this story very much. It was actually very scary, like a horror story should be. The writing is very conversational, in that sentences are constructed in a style similar to speech. This made the story accessible, and reminiscent of those eerie, shine-a-flashlight-on-your-face, campfire tales we’ve all grown up loving. I am very impressed with this author’s writing, and I highly recommend this story to readers who like to be scared. You might want to keep the lights on though. *Wink*

EarlyHours

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73
73
Review of I Looked Beyond  
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


This is a cryptic but pleasant little poem about falling in love. Without the description, I don't think I would have gotten the idea right away. The speaker is in search of love throughout the first half of the poem, and describes finding the love in the second half of the poem. The continuity is evident; moon goes with glow, stars go with shine, and sun goes with warmth. Horizon doesn't go with heartbeat, but the effect still works. It is obvious that this writer has poetic skills.

Nice job and Happy WDC Anniversary!

EarlyHours

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74
74
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)


*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


This is a marvelous little story about a tribal elder, who is wondering why he is still around. Much older than the other tribe members, he expects to join the Great Mother (i.e., die). The piece is written in first person present tense, which is a very difficult POV to use, and it works very well here. The story is very fable-like, in that there is a moral lesson. Although the characters are not animals, as in a classic fable, they are characters that differ from our normal lives – tribal people. The characters’ actions demonstrate that being old is not the same as being worthless. There is value in the elder’s knowledge, and the younger tribe members discover this, and then seek it out. This is exceptionally well written. A lot of information and morality is expertly squeezed into a small item. The skill and craft of the author is very evident.

Nice job and Happy WDC Anniversary!

EarlyHours

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75
75
In affiliation with Vigilante Angel Ranger Team  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)

*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


A fun little account of a school experience. The speaker was resistant to learning new math, and is forced into it anyway. Of course, as it turns out, the speaker, now an adult, has never actually needed the new math skills. Some people do, some people don't, but the description of the event is very entertaining. The author has skills and presents a very interesting and engaging read, with touches of humor.

My only suggestion: You should change the rating from E to ASR. The last word in the second paragraph is expressly excluded in E items, as noted in: "Please Keep It E!" . More information is available at "Content Rating System (CRS)" , and if you want to ask a moderator about it, you can do it at "Content Rating Support" .

Overall, a very enjoyable read. Nice job and Happy WDC Anniversary!

EarlyHours

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