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211 Public Reviews Given
253 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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26
26
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Aaralyn!

What an intriguing piece! I want there to be more, and I heartily encourage you to continue this *Smile*

I think you have a good knack for suspense, building it one block at a time as your protagonist wakes to discover her strange surroundings. My favorite example of this: "She continued on. She never noticed the eyes that followed her path down the hall." Lines like this draw me in, make me eager to find out just who or what the eyes belong to *Wink*

I would suggest breaking this sample into more paragraphs. Currently, your three blocky paragraphs seem a bit daunting to a reader. You could divide and expand, weaving more depth into the description and suspense of this story.

I look forward to read more when this is continued - I have to find out where she is *Smile*!

Happy writing!


-Kilpik


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27
Review of Half Way There  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Marjorie!

I'm one of your fellow PDG newbies, and I'm excited to get to know you *Smile* I'm absolutely amazed (and slightly jealous) that you can write so well in your 2nd language!

I love the topic of this piece. I also struggled with some of the same things you discuss. It's hard to feel motivated when you feel so far away from the completion of your dreams. I commend any author who has the courage to discuss their personal lives in their work.

Some of your sentences are quite beautiful. My favorite: "The rushing ocean that burdened my heart came to be a calm azure body of water." You have a true gift for imagery and metaphor.

There are several grammar errors and the like, but I know that that is just the product of writing in your 2nd language. The real heart of this piece, its message and purpose, is flawless *Smile*

I look forward to getting to know you more in the PDG and reading more of your stuff!

Happy writing!


-Kilpik (Hayley)


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28
28
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi siza!

What a beatiful poem! You've created something that is incredibly rich with gorgeous imagery and depth.

I love saying the "tick-tock" line out loud. You have a great knack for the way words sound together, the rhythm that goes into poetry *Smile*

I think you are marvelously skilled at creating stirring emotions that anyone could relate to. I love how the shower washes away your own fears and hates and evil deeds, while the sun's presence purifies you.

There our just a few things I noticed:
5th line: "Gods artistry" *Right* God's artistry
11th line: "A panama of intelligence" *Right* A panorama (?) of intelligence
12th line: "elegant shoes by perseverence" *Right* elegant shoes of (?) perseverence
13th line: "to the rhythm time" *Right* to the rhythm of (?) time
15th and 21st lines: There is an "i" that needs to be capitalized

Thanks for this intriguing and beautiful read! Happy writing!


-Kilpik


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29
29
Review of Betrayal  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Mxlove Zeekay!

This was quite an engrossing read! I felt sucked into your story from the very start, and my interest held until your unexpected and rather satisfying conclusion.

You have a nice knack for description. Your use of imagery was natural and engaging. I felt like I was lost with this poor guy, feeling the same sense of claustrophobic panic.

My only suggestion would be that this piece could use a few sentence editing. Some sentences like:

"The freezing cold had me jerk to consciousness" and "My eyes were squinted" could be changed to more active forms such as "cold JERKED me to consciousness" and "eyes SQUINTED" for more effectiveness.

Just a few small edits like that would help to make your story even better =)

Thanks for this engrossing read! Happy writing!

-Kilpik


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30
30
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Mini!

What a fun and delightful piece! I think you do an absolutely splendid job of creating such an enchanting story in less than 300 words!

My favorite part, as I am sure you are well aware, is your wonderful twist at the end. I had no idea that young Sarabi was a winged horse . . . or something like that *Wink* And to end it, on a final note, with Sarabi not looking forward to facing her dad's anger was a charming touch.

My only suggestion would be to double space the paragraphs. It makes it a little easier for readers to better enjoy your lovely story *Smile*

Thanks for sharing this! Happy writing!

-Kilpik



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31
31
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Michael Romeo!

I really liked this story! You have a nice ear for descriptive dialogue and imagery. Your story was breezy and immensely entertaining.

I loved your depiction of Mr. B. He was creepy and devilishly amusing *Wink* One of my favorite lines was when Whistles cries out, "Oh, my god!" and Mr. B replies, "Not quite."

You also are truly adept at drawing up the graveyard scene. The unseen, sticky half-footprints and tendrls of fog were marvelous touches.

I only have a few suggestions on how to make this even better =) An additional edit for grammar and spelling errors would be good. A couple of times you use you're ("But you're choices. Tsk, tsk") instead of your.

I also was left a tad confused at the end when Mr. B tells Whistles that they are going to a place he had made. Was this a general statement as to the fact that hell (which I assume was where they were going) was created by humankind's wickedness or something else?

Overall, though, great read! Thanks for taking the time to share! Happy writing!

-Kilpik


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32
32
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Breshke!

This story was delightful! I was having fun reading it, smugly thinking I knew what the ending would be, and then SURPRISE! I had to go back to reread everything Peter had been thinking once I knew it was a puppy and not marriage he wanted =)

I think you are a very skilled writer at forming believable dialogue. I loved the dynamic between Peter and Jess, especially when their perfect day was falling apart. I love when Peter is musing that at least this had turned into an adventure of some sorts. This reminded me of my own interactions with my friends!

I would suggest that you continue Peter and Jess's adventures! Adding a puppy to any story is almost always a good idea =)

Thanks for the great read! Happy writing!

-Kilpik


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33
33
Review of Broken  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi desertrose!

This is simplicity done at its best! I love this breezy and emotionally engaging poem. It tells a real story by using some marvelous examples of imagery.

The end might just be my favorite. I love evoking this idea of a girl literally lost by the love she no longer has. She wishes to go "home" but never can. It's quite simply beautiful and tragic.

My only suggestion would be to add the necessary commas and periods, a job that a quick edit will easily take care of. Currently, you have a period at the end of each quatrain, but not at the end of each sentence.

Thanks for the fascinating piece! I think the imagery will stick with me for more than a little while =)

-Kilpik



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34
Review of Shaper  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Deathisnigh!

Your short story was so imaginative! I loved the way you made me want to BE a shaper . . . or at least a shaper's apprentice *Wink*

My favorite part was when the shaper turned the door to water. You presented it as matter-of-fact and a given of the world and character you had created. I love it when authors completely commit to their imaginations.

Your story was very appealing in the way it promised the reader an escape from our sometimes bland reality. If you ever continued with this story (which I would encourage you to do!), then I would suggest you completely embrace this type of escapism in your writing. I love it =)

Thanks for the marvelous read! Happy writing!

-Kilpik



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35
Review of Real Bond  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi fuzzystuff!

I was intriguiged by this brief beginning to your story. I think you are very good at paying attention to the sights and sounds that make up a truly great read. I loved the way you described the bed springs creaking and the quiet whimperings that turned to grunts.

You have a real eye for drawing the reader into your story. I admit to wondering how the two infants will be bonded, especially, as you put it, through "pain and confusion".

I would just suggest a few things to make this even better =)

One: Double space the paragraphs. It's a minor issue, but it helps out the reader a lot.

Two: The second to last paragraph's sentence that starts "She was only three months older . . . " has two conjunctions that begin with but. Maybe rework this a bit so it's smoother.

Three: I might expand upon the differences between each infant. You do a splendid job, but I think your readers wouldn't mind even more =)

Thanks for the good read! I look forward to reading more in the future!

-Kilpik


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36
36
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Robert!

I'm relatively new to Writing.com and the whole politics of reviewing and responding. However, in the few short weeks I have been on here, my mind has already been mulling over some of the very same topics this piece went over.

I really appreciate what you had to say here, if for no other reason than someone else has encountered the same problems as I have, and I commend you for sharing it.

I have received a couple rather odd review responses that perplexed me. In each case, the author I was reviewing was of a "higher status". I remember giving them both high reviews, but pointing out one or two areas where matters were slightly confusing for me. The responses I got were cordial, no name calling, thank goodness, but more than a little condescending.

I had hoped, and still do, that these respones were not a true reflection of how more experienced members of this community treat the lesser experienced. It was very refreshing to read your perspective on this and the like.

Sorry for any ramblings, but your piece was quite thought-provoking for me. I very much appreciate the time you took to put this together. This proved quite useful for at least one WDC member, and, at the very least, I'll remember your tips when I'm responding to my own reviews =)


-Kilpik



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37
37
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Hektor!

What a fun and delightful fairy tale! I caught myself smiling more than a couple times during your charming tale about Sausage and Bacon.

Some of my favorite parts were when Sausage was trying to trick Bacon. I love the line: "“Holy Toast & Scrambled Eggs!” squealed out Sausage; for “squeal” is what pigs cry out when surprised, even if they are piggy banks." It is very imaginative and comical, a testement to your prowess as a writer =)

My only suggestion for improvement would be to increase the amount of dialogue and actual interaction between Sausage and Bacon. You spend a lot of time TELLING the reader about them which, for the most part, matches the fairy tale model, but I think the story would really benefit from showing more of their dynamic. Especially since you're so clearly good at depicting their antics =)

Also, a minor note, the sentence:

"Machiavellian, which is to say someone who deceives in order to get what they want, would have been a great alternative for a name in his case"

-could benefit from a minor rewrite. You could either say that "machiavellian" is a great way to describe him or that "Machiavelli", the actual name of the Italian writer, would be a suitable name for Sausage.

Thanks for the amusing read! I think you have a real knack for writing, and I'm glad I got a chance to read this!


-Kilpik


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38
38
Review of Tesla  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Casamyr!

I was quite entertained by this first chapter of your steampunk novel! There was a lot going on and many references to past and present unknowns, but I was steadily intriguiged.

My favorite part was the dialogue between Jon and Florence at the very beginning. It displayed a true skill for wit and believable dialogue that I found very refreshing. It was also a good way to engage your readers and get the interested in your main characters.

I love the world that you are beginning to create! I always appreciate chapters that can successfully allude their world, patiently waiting to build it step by step as their tale progresses. I love the steampunk craze, and your inclusion of Tesla is a great move.

My advice, as silly as this may seem, is to either reveal more or save more for later. As I said earlier, there is a LOT going on in terms of things being referenced. Most of it is very effective, but there seems to be a tad too much. For example, mentioning Jon's brother at the end maybe isn't necessary. You could possibly wait for a more organic time to mention it. Too much "unknowns" leaves the reader floundering.

But overall, fantastic! I can tell this is just the start to something great, and I look forward to reading it in the future!

-Kilpik


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39
39
Review of He Awoke A Beast  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi LaleBianci!

Welcome to Writing.com! It looks like you just joined TODAY (or yesterday, depending on timezone)
I've barely joined myself, and it's always nice to review a fellow newbie =)

Your poem was absolutely mesmerizing. It reminded me of Franz Kafka's Metamorphosis. Your protagonist's plight was both engaging and terrifying. I was also immensely impressed with your grasp of imagery. I felt like I could really see his black claws glisten and hear his anguished howl.

My only suggestion (and it's a small one) would be to possibly review the two lines that begin "A ridge or wiry brown hair . . ." They seem a tad long and clunky in comparison with the rest.

Besides that, terrific job and thanks for the great read!

-Kilpik


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40
40
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi lucky!

I'm one of your fellow Paper Doll Gang newbies! I thought I'd come by and say hello the best way I know how - with a review =)

I loved the honesty and subtle complexity of your "biography". I too often struggle with matters of free will and God's purpose for my life, and it is so refreshing to see an author who can bravely embrace this inner turmoil within their writing.

I admit I was initially confused why you began by describing the events of the 2006 World Cup. By the time I reached the end, however, I understood. I loved the originality of using the World Cup as a sort of benchmark, comparing who you were then to who you are now - even wondering what kind of person you'll be by 2014!

My only advice is to maybe further elaborate upon the significance of the World Cup and why you chose to feature it in your piece. It falls together nicely by the end, but a little more explanation at the beginning would help readers =)

Thanks for this great read, and I look forward to getting to know you more in the future!


-Kilpik


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41
41
Review of Made to See  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Leeus!

I thoroughly enjoyed your poem for its always relevant message of strength through adversity. I loved how your poem did not take the traditional route in conveying such a message. Rather than focus on merely surviving troubling trials, your poem championed the spreading of goodness to any and all who will receive it.

One of my favorite lines was: "To heal the wounds that drag us under, beow a sky that flashes thunder". Beautiful.

In terms of advice, I would suggest looking over the commas. There are a lot of them placed at the end of lines that shouldn't actually have a comma. Also, the quatrain that mentions "since wolves were young and the vast planet old" does not quite fit and sounds a tad clunky. I'm sure an additional edit will clear that all up =)

Anyway, great job! Thanks for the inspiring read!

-Kilpik




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42
42
Review of All in One Night  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Elyse!

I feel like you have a real story to tell here, and I was intriguiged by the opening lines. I think you did an excellent job of tapping into the eerie and certainly frighting nature of spending a night in an old manor, especially one that isn't so empty *Wink*

I loved your description in the middle of this piece! I absolutely love when authors take the time to really lay out the atmosphere and surroundings.

My advice would be to elaborate upon this piece. The descriptive elements in the middle would be lovely throughout. Some of the action is a little muddled. If you take time to really elaborate upon your plot, I'm sure any confusion would be eliminated.

Thanks for the read! Happy writing!

-Kilpik



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43
43
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi again *Wink*

This was a wonderful and poignant piece! You are incredibly skilled at tapping into the depth and passion of your narrator. You made me feel the emotions and tragedy of your dystopian tale. I love when authors like yourself insist on focusing upon the human nature of their stories, even when depicting a future world with different governments and terrors.

My only comment, neither positive or negative, is this bears a remarkable resemblance to the letter within V for Vendetta. Was this intentional? Either way, it doesn't matter to me. You expanded upon the bones of that story, crafting a heartbreaking and realistic tale of love amidst chaos.

Thanks for the great read! See you around =)

-Kilpik
44
44
Review of Victory March  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Winchester Jones!

This piece was so refreshingly original and amusing! I admit to taking a look at this same Writer's Cramp prompt, but my muse was unable to come up with anything satisfying. You not only came up with something that effortlessly showcased the prompt, but a short story that was a pure and unique delight!

I loved how you broke away from traditional story-telling, utilizing fragments of thoughts and sounds to better tell your story. The persistant clickety-click of Gussy's red heels was an inspired touch.

Thanks for this fun and engaging read!

-Kilpik


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45
45
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Breshke!

Haha is this a TRUE story? If so, you are truly a brave individual. Thank you for sharing your story with the world =)

I think I am very lucky to know you, Breshke. Years from now, when we are both famous authors basking in the glow of multiple Bestseller lists, we will look to THIS moment (maybe) and realize it was the start of our Pulitzer and Nobel Prize winning careers!

Anyway, this is supposed to be a review. Haha but I really did like this story! You are very skilled at creating a likeable character who I identify with and would possibly consider being friends with. I can't wait to read more of your work in the future =)

My suggestion on how to improve this story: I feel like the main character needs a plucky friend. I don't know...I'm picturing brown hair, equal (ish) height ;) Think about it. It might REALLY help your story.

-Kilpik
46
46
Review of The Night Watch  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Steve Wilds!

I quite enjoyed your story because it was like a tiny snapshot of regular life that just happened to include an alien life form.

I think you did an excellent job of creating real characters with believable dialogue and reactions in such a small amount of space. It resulted in a story that was both intriguing and charming. Derek's comment at the end was especially satisfying and amusing.

My only advice is to rework the spacing of this piece. Most of the paragraphs are double-spaced, but a big chunk of dialogue in the middle is all squished together. Nothing major, but it does help out future readers =)

Thanks for the amusing read! Happy writing!

-Kilpik
47
47
Review of La' Guillotine  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Demolition!

I fell in love with your poem the more and more I read. I am not traditionally a fan of poems that have a strict rhyming scheme, but the content and rhthym of yours won me over.

The almost melodic beat of your words meshed perfectly with the tragic mood of your story. One of my favorite lines was: "The blade comes slowly down and down, and what comes next ale cannot drown."

I am a history major with an emphasis in the revolutions and reformations of early modern Europe. This should go a long way in explaining why I was so impressed with your work. You did an excellent job of depicting the double-edged nature of France's "salvation" in a completely human and poignant way.

Thanks for the intriguing read!

-Kilpik
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Arman White!

I found something naturally compelling about this first chapter. As you admit, not much, if anything, is given away, but I was still intriguied nevertheless.

I think you have a good knack for developing character. I already found myself getting into the narrator, feeling the attitude and language. Not to mention, that bird. I liked that bird, Arman! Haha good job for introducing a likeable bird and then tugging on the old heart strings when you kill it =)

In terms of anything to improve, I would focus on description. The very first paragraph has some nice examples of imagery, but the narrative gets a little bogged down with all your details. Similarily, towards the end, I don't think it is absolutely necessary to describe the bedroom in parentheses. It's okay to leave some things up to the reader's imagination.

There are some grammar and spelling errors (most noticeably the last sentence where the narrator lays some of his "father's" instead of feathers upon the grave), but nothing major =)

Thanks for the great read! Look forward to future chapters!

-Kilpik
49
49
Review of Dreams  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi Naataliea!

There was something alluring about your short poem that drew me in and encouraged me to keep reading. The repetitive and whimsical nature of your prose was not unlike an actual dream.

My favorite part was your last triplet. It flowed very nicely, and the last line: "No more to dream nightmares, no more to dream dream" was quite beautiful.

I do have to say that some of the other triplets seemed a bit clunky and might benefit from a little reworking. I might even suggest reading it out loud (a helpful tip once given to me) in order to catch areas that do not flow quite right. Also, your use of "wherein" is a bit confusing and distracting to the rest of your piece.

Thanks for sharing your poem, and happy writing =)

-Kilpik
50
50
Review of Monster  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Coffeebean!

Your piece was instantly intriguing and well crafted. Your characterization was superb, and I loved the imagery of the monster waiting in the bowels of the earth.

Part of the hook of your piece, obviously, was finding out just what exactly the monster was. I found myself initially dissatisfied with "evil", as it seemed too easy a conclusion. It's sitting better with me now as I realize that it best fits the excellent groundwork you set down at the beginning. What better twist than to see evil embedded into our history and consciousness, living, dormant or otherwise, in all of us?

Again, very skillfully executed and thought-provoking. Thanks for taking the time to share!

-Kilpik
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