First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!
My Thoughts: I decided to read this piece because the title interested me. I'm glad I did! I really enjoyed this short story! I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a complete and meaningful story using only 300 words or less, and I must say that you did an excellent job of that here. You adequately described the characters, the setting, the conflict and the resolution. Good job!
I like the way you began the story with the bank employees' boredom but quickly revealed it was to be short-lived. The story was action packed, and I was on the edge of my seat, anxious to see what would happen next. I especially like the way you ended the piece with a bit of humor. You took the reader through so many emotions in this short piece. Terrific!
My Suggestions: First of all, I suggest changing the description of the story to give the reader an idea as to what it's about rather than only stating that it was written for a contest.
In the sentences, "Dave pulled up to the bank and was thankful he saw no cars in the parking lot. Pulled his sedan up by the door and walked in.", the last sentence is a sentence fragment, and there was no need to mention pulling up in the second sentence after mentioning it in the first sentence. I would change this to "Dave pulled up to the back, thankful he say no cars in the parking lot, and walked in." Rather that start the next sentence with, "Dave got a phone call", I would change it to, "His wife had called on his way home". Then, in the next sentence, you could change "His wife" to "She".
In the next paragraph, I would change, "crashed open a man" to "crashed open, and a man". Otherwise, it's a run-on sentence. In the following sentence, I would change the comma after "hurt" to a semicolon. In the next paragraph, I would shorten, " Kim and Allison went into a panic looking around. They were looking for the manager", to simply, "Kim and Allison went into a panic, looking around for the manager." A couple of paragraphs later, "Not wanted to make" should be "He did not want to make". Otherwise, you have a sentence fragment here, because there's no subject.
In the next paragraph, "screamed" shouldn't be capitalized, because it's a continuation of the quote. In the next paragraph, you say, "The bag were getting filled in a hurry. Kim and Allison franticly throwing everything they had in the bag. The looks on their face was of complete terror." I would consider shortening this to "Kim and Allison frantically filled the bag in a hurry. They were terrified." A couple of paragraphs later, you have, "passed him. Then reached". This should be "passed him, then reached". Otherwise, the second sentence is a sentence fragment. Finally, in that paragraph, "Bandits right thigh" should be "Bandit's right thigh", because you're attempting to show possession.
Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story! It was an enjoyable read that would be even better after a thorough edit. Should you decide to do so, I would be happy to review the story again afterward. Regardless, I look forward to visiting your port again soon!
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