My Overall impression:
Your rating, genres and title are good.
Your rhymes are good as you tell this old story.
I like your ending (last 2 lines) the best.
Suggestions/Errors:
I would work on the overall flow/read of this poem.
Read your poetry aloud when you are finished with it and check for the flow of it.
One way to help with this is to remove some of the words you have that are not needed.
ex;
You could remove:
So in line 2 & 4
maybe in line 4
Also watch your use of filler words.
(the, that, and)
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
My Overall impression:
Your title, rating and genres are all appropriate.
Cute story. I enjoyed reading about your characters and their life on the farm.
I like your ending the best.
I could see grandma run back into the room!!
Suggestions/Errors:
Your story is very busy, I got confused with who and what was going on in a few areas and had to re-read parts a few times. I would suggest slowing it down and maybe making it less busy.
You have numerous funny parts but you don't need them all, it is distracting to the reader.
Space after the dialog, it's easier for your readers to read and follow.
Mary chassed after the pig
(chased)
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
Your rating, title and genres are appropriate.
Neat way to write this..from his p.o.v.
Your rhymes work good and your poem flows well.
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS: In the last stanza you have I think I do...instead of 'And I think I do' like the other stanzas.
I like the 'I think I do' without the and..I think you should cut the and in this line in all the stanzas.
My Overall impression:
Great title.
Your genres are good.
I really like the way you did this.
I like how you show your childhood dreams, to the reality and your life now.
I like that you end this in such a positive way...that one day you will accomplish what you want!
Never let anyone take that dream away from you.
Suggestions/Errors:
You need to rate this 13+ for the reference you have to sex in line 18.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
OVERALL IMPRESSION: Good comparisons on nature and personal feelings.
I love the colors that you show your readers throughout.
Great imagery!
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS: watch your repetition of words.
In stanza 1 - You have ever twice and so 3 times.
I think I would remove the so's and the and's that you have throughout/ where they are not needed.
It will help with the read/flow of your poem.
Try reading your poem aloud with and with out these to check this.
My Overall impression:
I like how you compare a swimmer struggling to life and emotions.
Your first stanza sets this up well.
I like how you show the choking and the pride not allowing it.
That is well said!
Suggestions/Errors:
You might make your title more appealing, some suggestions from your poem;
Choking Swimmer
Pathetic Swimmer
I would change this static item to poetry and prose, add some genres - they help your item get exposure. (experience, personal, philosophy, bio...)
I think if you expanded just a little more on what brought you to this point/made you feel all this that it would enhance your whole poem.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies. "THE DROP-OFF BOX "
My Overall impression:
Your ending is very strong and positive.
Thanks for sharing your story.
This is a very powerful read and just think if this reaches only one teenage girl...a cycle could be broken.
This story sounds like my sister and her 2 teenage girls and I pray for their children to grow up in a more stable way.
Suggestions/Errors:
I'd cut the 2nd comma in line 1 to help smooth the read there.
I think I'd make line 4..2 lines and have this part all by itself to make it more dramatic;
I knew poverty first hand.
Line 9, I'd cut the 2nd the.
The day came for us to grow up to fast,
to should be too
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
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and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
I like your title, it fits very well.
Your poem is sad and it makes me want to cry knowing that this reality was the fate of so many...
I think you set this up well/ the mood fits and you evoke emotions for your reader.
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:Your read is off in a few areas/ read this aloud to work on that.
Watch your repetition of words.
Some are only children disguised in a man's body
try;
Some being children disguised in a man's body
The road seems endless while I prepare for battle
The danger zone approaches and so does the enemy.
try;
This road seems endless while I prepare for battle
The danger zone approaches as does the enemy.
In the 3rd line from the end I'd cut now.
Your ending line is strong...you need to add a period to this line. Keep writing. Always, Tammy
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies. "THE DROP-OFF BOX "
My Overall impression:
Your title, rating and genres are good.
I think I may have read more into this than I should have.
I took this more literaly...as the lines/box being me/my conscious and 'it' being the bad of the world.
Not sure if that is where you were going with it...with the genres you have I 'm guessing this is supposed to be more of a thriller than a philosophical read...
Suggestions/Errors:
As a thriller...I was left with some questions.
You never really reveal what 'it' is.
Maybe if you set this up a bit..where are you, what are the lines representing/ why can't this 'it' cross the borders/lines??
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
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and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
Very romantic and sweet poem you have here.
What a kiss with the cicadas in the background.
I could feel the love and heat between these two.
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
Watch your use of filler words.
(and, the, that)
Especially your repetition of the at the start of your poem.
ex
The warmth of that summer night caressed her like a lover
The sound of cicadas filling the silence with their eerie call
try;
The warmth of that summer night caressed her like a lover
Sounds of cicadas filling the silence with their eerie call
I think if you made some small changes like this it would help your poem.
"This is a reciprocal review on behalf of writetight, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed recently, and is in connection with "Invalid Item" ."
OVERALL IMPRESSIONS;
I enjoyed you story.
I have worked in nursing homes and have seen this behavior from both patients and their families.
I like that you show the characters fears about seeing his Grandmother and I like the memories that sets up how the Grandmother was before getting sick.
I think you capture the Alzheimer's patient well/ with the back and forth and the rambling.
SUGGESTIONS;
I think it would have been more effective if you expanded a little more on the memories/ building the relationship the character once had with the Grandmother.
I was a little confused with the slapping part...you say right before the slap...is that supposed to mean she slapped him or that she caught herself before slapping him?
"This is a reciprocal review on behalf of writetight, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed recently, and is in connection with "Invalid Item" ."
OVERALL IMPRESSIONS;
I enjoyed reading your story.
You tell it well, I wasn't left with any questions.
I like your two main characters and the friendship you show between the two of them.
Great ending.
SUGGESTIONS;
a small thing;
The part were he falls gasping for breath after seeing the other couple...isn't very believable. Not for a teenager/ especially a guy.
Your spacing is off at the end of this para - '“Snap out of it...'
I'm not the best with punctuation...especially with dialog, but I think you need to check that..it is off in places.
"This is a reciprocal review on behalf of writetight, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed recently, and is in connection with "Invalid Item" ."
OVERALL IMPRESSIONS;
I like your introduction for this
I like how you picked the title for your story/ very creative.
I like your description of the school sign and I like the contrast you show between her and the other girls.
SUGGESTIONS;
The bell for first class would ring in five minutes, so the students laughed and leaned into towards their friends ears to hear their summer stories.
(this doesn't really make sense. It reads like they were leaning in to listen to the stories because the bell was bout to ring??) Towards should be toward.
You might change that..cut the so...or make it two sentences.
I'd like to know more about your characters.
It sounds like this will be an interesting story/ I hope you finish it.
Overall Impression:
I think we have all had guilt and this will be an easy poem for people to identify with.
I think stanza two shows feelings of guilt very well.
Stanza 4 is my favorite part of the poem; who hasn't walked on eggshells...
Suggestions:
add some genres
You might try for a more unique title.
suggestions from your poem
Inward Guilt
Guilt Too Deep
Broken Glass
Keep writing!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
My Overall impression:
Great title.
Your rating and genres are good.
I think this line really captures what your poem is saying;
'She'll never trespass where my heart locks its fear.'
I think we all do this...lock up certain areas of our self.
I love this line;
'Rain gives clay new form!'
Suggestions/Errors:
Watch your use of and, you start off lines with it and it's not needed.
Try reading this aloud without the ands.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
My Overall impression:
Your title, rating and genres are all appropriate.
I like your thoughts and I agree with them.
If we all did this..it might help the world some.
Suggestions/Errors:
Your thoughts are clear but there isn't much feeling in this.
Your wording is straight to the point and the read is a little choppy making this feel impersonal.
Your poem might do better with a little punctuation.
You might try expanding some on this; maybe have some examples of how the world is unaccountable/maybe show what is 'right.'
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
My Overall impression:
I like the title you picked for this/ it's creative.
Your genres and rating are appropriate.
Suggestions/Errors:
This feels very unfinished.
It seems like you started in the middle and then it doesn't end.
You briefly introduce your story but even the beginning is weak/ I think you need to set this up a bit more. Explaining a little more on the background of this and then go into your story/memory.
You end this more like a prologue instead of a story...is there more to come??
If not, you need more on your ending/ tie up your loose ends.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me.
Keep writing, Tammy
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OVERALL IMPRESSION: 
Keep writing. Always, Tammy